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What It's Like Growing Up With Narcissistic Personality Disorder? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  So what was it like growing up with narcissistic personality
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  disorder? Yeah, Yeah.
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  I don't think I understand how often I get this question.
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  If you're new here, I have narcissistic personality
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  disorder. My name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm going to diagnose self aware narcissist mental illness
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  everywhere, Right. And a lot of people ask me like,
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  what was it like growing up with NPD?
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  How did you get NPD? We're going to cover that in
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  today's video, y'all. So first of all, if you do not
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  know, I AM 40 years old. I know, I know I might not look
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  it now. I was just joking.
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  Now, I just turned 14 July so and I was born and raised in
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  Reidsville, NC. Shout out to Deville, North
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  Carolina. I still live in North Carolina
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  now, but in growing up with MPD was like, I feel like I had a
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  pretty normal childhood. Yeah.
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  I think a lot of people think I was just tortured and put it in
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  a closet and just beaten and starved and stuff like that.
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  It wasn't like that, no, I didn't get NPD from that type of
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  abuse, from that type of trauma. And I'm not trying to downplay a
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  joke on anything anybody else's went through, but I didn't get
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  it that way, right? How I got narcissistic
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  personality disorder was, I think genetics did play, could
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  have played a role in it, right? But I think more along the
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  lines, it was just neglect, right?
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  Not for my mom, but more neglect from on the on the father's
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  side, right? It is not to to bash my dad.
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  It really is just the, the honest to God truth.
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  So when I didn't get the love and appreciation and the and the
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  affection from my father that I was seeking who I look like, I
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  do look like him, right? It just turned me narcissistic.
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  It made me shut down right There was there was an incident when I
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  was little and I got my I got popped.
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  You know what popping is? I got popped when I was little
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  and it just I feel like that may be shut down internally, right?
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  Well, my father hurt me as a child.
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  I feel like he betrayed me and I was just like, OK, I shut my I
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  shut my emotion down in this space right there.
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  And that was one of the big things that ended up happening.
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  But growing up with it, y'all woo?
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  I don't think I said narcissistic personality
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  disorder, like because I have a twin brother that's not a
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  narcissist. I always had somebody to model.
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  I always had a, a person to model and behave like I always
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  had somebody. Oh, my brother acts this way.
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  Let me act the same way so that I don't so I could fit in.
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  So because it growing up as a child and whatnot, they possibly
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  had a personality disorder when I was very young.
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  It's just like I always felt out of place.
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  Like no matter where I was at, no matter what I was doing, no
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  matter the size of the crowd I was in, I always felt like I was
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  out of place. I always felt like an alien in a
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  little boy's body, right? I was just like I was born.
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  I was put in this little boy's body and I felt like an alien.
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  And that was a big piece of my upbringing.
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  That's a big piece of how I was raised and how I grew up is like
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  feeling like a damn alien. And this is like because I had
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  my brother who was not a narcissist, I knew how to act.
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  I knew how to fit in. But that didn't help me
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  internally. Externally, I could fit in.
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  Externally I could be funny and approachable and have friends
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  and things like that. But internally I didn't feel the
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  same way. You know, internally I was a
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  mess. So I'm always thinking of people
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  judging me. I'm always thinking everybody's
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  eyes are on me, always thinking that people are watching me or
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  whatever the case may be, right? So I'm looking around thinking
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  people are judging me. I think so many things or
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  different things are going on and whatnot, so I don't know
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  what the hell is going on. Like my mind, I'm just like, I'm
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  everywhere. So growing up, I just didn't
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  know what the hell was going on. Like seriously, I was just like,
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  this is just how I am. And the the teachers and the TV
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  shows and stuff like that, they always tell you you're everybody
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  is special in their own way. So I'm just thinking I'm
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  special, right? I'm just thinking I'm special.
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  Like, I know I felt different, but maybe this different is just
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  me being special, you know? So that's how I felt.
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  That's how I was when I was growing up.
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  I always felt like I was special.
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  Not because I'm narcissistic. I always thought I was special
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  because that's what society taught you.
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  Society said everybody is special in their own little way.
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  Go back and read those books from the 80s and the 90s, you
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  know? So that's what ended up
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  happening to me. Like I was growing up, like
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  thinking I was special, but I was also just so internally,
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  yeah, internal, my inside, internally, I was a mess.
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  I'm being real with you. Internally, I was a huge mess.
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  Destroyed. I was destroyed inside.
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  Like I, it felt like I couldn't be.
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  It felt like I couldn't be happy inside.
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  Honestly, I was always chasing happiness, even as a youth, even
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  as somebody young. And when I found things that
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  made me happy, it's like almost always something or someone
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  would take those away from me. I still remember the day, like
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  when I was eight or nine years old, right?
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  I was on the the monkey bars. Now it's not in the monkey bars.
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  That was it's like this little Dome of bars, right?
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  They might still have more playgrounds, but y'all know
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  playgrounds back in the day used to be super dangerous.
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  It was this Dome of bars and I was a research recess and I was
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  playing outside. I was, I was hanging up and then
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  Tony Winchester had done something and he like I told him
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  he was hanging upside down. I said bro, don't hang upside
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  down. I didn't say bro.
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  I was like, hey, why are you hanging upside down?
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  Something's going to happen to you.
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  He didn't listen. Literally 2 minutes later he
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  fell off the monkey bars and he hurt like literally I think he
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  broke his wrist. He started screaming.
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  We only had one teacher out there.
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  So I mean, everybody had to go inside because I wanted to be
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  outside. I'm yelling and screaming at
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  Tony. I'm losing my mind on Tony ass.
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  I'm gonna scream it at him and my teacher's like my teacher's
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  like, hey, what's wrong with you?
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  I was like he he wouldn't listen.
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  He got hurt. That's my first instance of
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  having narcissistic rage and a lack of empathy right there,
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  because I did not care that this little boy hurt his wrist.
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  The only thing I cared about was me being able to be be being
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  able to be outside and having fun and him taking it away from
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  it because he didn't listen to me, right.
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  So I'm yelling and screaming. I got, I think I got in trouble
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  that day again, Y'all, this is over 30 years ago.
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  I was like 8 or 9. I'm 40 years old right now, so
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  it's a little foggy, but I definitely remember the
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  incident. That's my first instance with a
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  lack of empathy and the old, like I still was trying my
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  hardest to fit in. Yeah, I wanted to fit in so bad
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  that I started playing sports. I started like doing things like
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  that. So I'm still still was mirroring
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  my brother. So I was playing sports.
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  I was doing things like that in order to just like again, to fit
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  in more so so so I would have more friends, so I would still
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  not feel like this internal outcast.
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  Externally I looked like everybody else, but internally I
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  felt like an outcast. And the older I got, the worst I
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  felt it did I? Sometimes you know, you, you
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  think you can grow all this stuff, you'll grow out of it.
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  No, it just got worse. It's kind of like the voices in
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  my head were getting louder and louder and louder of telling me
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  that I was not enough, telling me that I was not good enough,
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  telling me that I was an alien, telling me that nobody liked me.
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  These voices, these negative voices in my head talking to me
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  every single damn day. Like you didn't get, you don't
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  have peace. I feel like when I was growing
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  up having a personality disorder, but I didn't know it
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  at the time, right? I just felt like I didn't have a
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  peace internally. It was just crazy.
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  It really is your crazy mind. It really is crazy that I can
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  sit, sit up and think about it right now.
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  Being 40 and trying to understand what I was going
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  through and how I was doing, how was what I was going through and
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  whatnot, right? So that type of stuff continues
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  to happen. So I'm trying to grow up.
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  I'm trying to be better. And the older I got, the worse I
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  felt. The more out of place I felt,
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  the more I felt like nobody understood me, the more I felt
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  like the worse I got. Y'all seriously?
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  I remember. And then also growing up, my
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  self esteem used to take blows that I'd never.
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  Yeah, I can remember stuff that happened to me when I was eight
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  or nine years old that I still hurts me today.
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  I remember being in like, I think it was like 3rd or 4th
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  grade. No second or third grade.
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  Supposed to run the same time period.
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  A girl called me ugly. Her name is Michelle.
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  Michelle E She called me ugly because I had messed up teeth
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  and stuff like that. You ugly because your face, your
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  teeth. And it hurt my feelings that I
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  felt so much shame that day. Y'all that I hyper focused on
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  that day about how I looked. I was so I just, I need to look
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  better like nobody else was. Nobody else is going to call me
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  ugly when I grow up. So that's right.
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  The right now a little girl called me ugly in 8th, like
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  second or third grade. And it affects how I feel now.
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  It affects my confidence. Now, that's not as much as you
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  used to because I actually got to see that girl and talk to her
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  again. Again, I was like last year, I
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  got to talk to her last year. Like, hey, crazy, crazy seeing
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  you here, right? I hadn't seen her in 30 years.
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  I actually got a chance to sit there and talk to her and just
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  like, there's a little girl caught me.
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  Ugly little girls don't know nothing, right?
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  I'm just like, yeah, this is the stupid thing to hold on to.
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  So I was hyper focused on my looks and whatnot.
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  So that that was a big piece of it.
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  You see how that little trauma still still messes with me
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  today. That's I'm afraid of rejection
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  today, That's I have so many fears and making I'm always in
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  the mirror to make sure I nobody's going to call me ugly
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  today, right? And they can call me ugly.
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  I know how hard it was for me to cut my hair.
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  My hair was part a big part of my identity, right, But I just
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  feel like the hair don't make the man.
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  So I'm just like, let me slice this stuff out, Let me get a new
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  look and whatnot. Let me get a new look.
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  Let me get a new feel, a new kind of a new lease on life, so
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  to speak. So that's why I cut my hair out
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  because I was so afraid that I cut my hair.
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  People going to reject. I'm going to I'm going to be I'm
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  going to be ugly. I don't have no hair.
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  I'm not going to stand out anymore.
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  You see how that one incident affected me to this day.
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  So I just cut my hair off. What it's been about tomorrow.
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  Well, there's a week. Today is a week.
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  Yeah, today it's a week. So it's crazy.
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  Been a week since the dress is gone. 18 years.
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  No more swing. Y'all can't swing on them, I'll
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  shake them. Dress.
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  No more shaking the dress. So still growing up, y'all.
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  It's just like I never felt. I never felt like I was just
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  normal. Like growing up, I never felt
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  like I was just a full human. I always felt out of place.
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  I always felt like everybody was judging me.
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  Paranoia is a big part of, I think this can be a big part of
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  having this personality disorder, right?
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  I always felt like people were looking at me and judging me.
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  I was always afraid. Yeah.
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  I had super social anxiety as well, right?
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  I'm paranoid that people were judging me or I'm.
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  So I was super afraid of criticism and rejection, which
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  is why when Michelle called me ugly, did it stuck with me for
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  so long. I used to, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm
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  not the smartest person in the world, of course, right?
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  But I'm not, I'm not ignorant. I'm not stupid, right.
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  So I used to know the answers to the question the teacher were
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  asked. And I'd be so deathly afraid of
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  raising my hand and getting it wrong that wouldn't raise my
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  hand. But then somebody else raised
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  their hand, get it right, and they'd be the answer I had.
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  I'd be like, damn it, I'd be. So you see how even that right
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  there brought me shame. I've talked down on myself like
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  I'm smart. I know the answer.
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  I'll be ready to raise my hand like no.
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  But if you get it wrong, if you get it wrong, people going to
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  judge you. You can be stupid.
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  You're not smart enough to get this question right.
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  Then the next person raised their hand and get it right.
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  And I had the right answer in my head.
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  I'm like, now I'm ashamed of raising my hand.
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  See, now my mind is telling me the narcissistic part of me is
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  telling me you're not good enough.
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  You see, you're afraid to get things wrong.
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  You're afraid you're a coward. So my mind is now telling me I'm
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  a coward. My mind talked me out of raising
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  my hand, but then somebody else got it.
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  Now my mind is telling me I'm a coward.
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  You see how to do up the dual mindset?
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  It doesn't serve people. It doesn't.
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  It was not serving me as a child.
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  It held me back from so many things, right?
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  And it's still holding me back from now.
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  That's why I'm still in therapy right now.
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  Y'all if I started therapy at 32 years old and I'm still working
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  through things that happened to me when I was 89101112 years
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  old. So growing up with this person I
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  did is what I felt like it did hold me back from a lot of
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  opportunities and things like that because I was so afraid of
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  criticism of feeling shame of getting rejected again, which is
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  why I feel the same way now. Like that's why I'm, I'm still
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  working through that type of stuff now at 40 that I was going
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  through when I was 30 years old. You know, and that type of stuff
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  right now is what what I'm trying to battle through that
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  I'm still working through and I'm going to keep working
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  through. I'm going to keep battling
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  through it because I'm on a journey.
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  This is a different journey. It's a different space for me to
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  be in and I love this space. You know, I cherish this space.
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  That's why I appreciate y'all so much.
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  Now I'll do a longer video next time on my whole journey to
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  therapy because I can. That would this would be a 40
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  minute video. Y'all know, I'm not trying to
• 12:10
  put these super long videos on this channel, although I might
• 12:14
  be putting the podcast on this channel, the podcast.
• 12:16
  I'm starting interviews this week for my podcast.
• 12:19
  I'm thinking about putting them on this channel, but a lot of
• 12:22
  people, the channel, the views are going down.
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  So I'm just like do I need to put the podcast over here or do
• 12:26
  I need to start a new channel for the podcast?
• 12:29
  I have a lot of questions I'm things are working through right
• 12:30
  now. Y'all.
• 12:31
  If you want to be on a podcast, there's a link in my description
• 12:34
  to apply to be on a podcast in person or virtually.
• 12:37
  I'm doing in person stuff here in my office in North Carolina.
• 12:41
  If you're in the North Carolina area, it would not let's work or
• 12:44
  I do it virtually as well and what not.
• 12:47
  Anyway, y'all my coaching, my courses.
• 12:49
  Everything else is available at mentalillness.net.
• 12:51
  Hit the subscribe button. We're so close to 500 K and I'll
• 12:54
  see you later. Peace.