Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1100 - Happy Go Lucky Teen (and Husband)

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#1100 - Happy Go Lucky Teen (and Husband) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, Welcome to
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast. I'm doctor Justin Colson. So excited
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  Speaker 1: to answer your questions or you need to do to
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  Speaker 1: submit your question about how to make your family happier
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  Speaker 1: is go to happy families dot com dot au scroll
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  Speaker 1: down to where it says podcasts, push the record button,
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  Speaker 1: start talking. Literally that simple. Submit your questions at happy
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  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au today. Only one question today
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  Speaker 1: comes from an anonymous listener who says our teenager has
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  Speaker 1: a very different outlook on life to me. She gets
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  Speaker 1: good grades, has great friends, and is involved in sport
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  Speaker 1: and music. She's happy to coast through her life, though
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  Speaker 1: she doesn't aim high as I did, but rather is
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  Speaker 1: happy with good enough in all aspects of her life.
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  Speaker 1: She says she just wants to be happy and get
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  Speaker 1: an okay job. Her words. Should I be thankful that
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  Speaker 1: she has a balanced outlook on life or be pushing
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  Speaker 1: her to achieve more as she's so academically capable. Part
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  Speaker 1: two of the question a chores a chance to tune
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  Speaker 1: out or should that be present during chores? My husband
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  Speaker 1: often wears EarPods when he's doing chores, even in our kitchen,
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  Speaker 1: cooking or tidying up. It bugs me. The rest of
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  Speaker 1: our family are in the same space, often trying to
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  Speaker 1: connect in a casual way. But he says he's doing
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  Speaker 1: enough by helping at home and should be able to
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  Speaker 1: listen to whatever he wants while he's in the kitchen,
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  Speaker 1: maybe your podcast. Sometimes he gets very cranky when I
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  Speaker 1: politely ask him to remove them when he's inside with us.
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  Speaker 1: Any advice, Okay, love both of these questions. Let's start
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  Speaker 1: with the cruzy teen who's happy, go lucky and just
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  Speaker 1: doesn't seem to want to put the effort in. I
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  Speaker 1: have a couple of ideas around here that might be useful.
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  Speaker 1: What I'm hearing when I listen to this question is
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  Speaker 1: a parent who has climbed, I don't know, forty maybe
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  Speaker 1: fifty runs on the ladder of life. If each rung
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  Speaker 1: represents a year of your life, you're climbing up and
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  Speaker 1: up and up, and obviously the higher you go, the
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  Speaker 1: better your perspective. You can see more. You can see
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  Speaker 1: past the forest, you can see through the woods, you
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  Speaker 1: can see around corners and through the shadows. You know
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  Speaker 1: what's coming, and as a parent who loves your children
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  Speaker 1: very much, you're invested in them making the best decisions
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  Speaker 1: possible to find their way through this journey of life
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  Speaker 1: in the most effective, efficient and successful way possible that
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  Speaker 1: makes sense. Of course, force creates resistance, and anyone who's
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  Speaker 1: ever raised a teen or being a team knows that
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  Speaker 1: most teens don't love parents being on their case and
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  Speaker 1: telling them what to do. So you've got the situation
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  Speaker 1: where you want the very best for your child, your
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  Speaker 1: child wants the very best for themselves, but they think
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  Speaker 1: that they know better, and you're now trying to tell
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  Speaker 1: them that in spite of their limited view and your
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  Speaker 1: wonderful view, and you're trying to talk to them. The
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  Speaker 1: difficulty is they don't know how good the view is
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  Speaker 1: from where you are. They can only see the view
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  Speaker 1: from where they are, and it's never been better than
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  Speaker 1: it is right now for them. They see you as old,
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  Speaker 1: out of touch, at least a generation older than them.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, most of them think that we were born
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  Speaker 1: well over a generation before them. Despite the math's not
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  Speaker 1: working out, And so there's this conflict, this tension that
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  Speaker 1: makes it really hard. Where do you go with this well,
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  Speaker 1: I think the most important thing to remember, given that
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  Speaker 1: force creates resistance, is that the harder you work to
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  Speaker 1: take away your autonomy, the more you work to convince them,
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  Speaker 1: the more they'll push back. Like I said, force creates resistance.
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  Speaker 1: There's an old couplet that said one convinced against their
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  Speaker 1: will is of the same opinion. Still, you can have
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  Speaker 1: every conversation out of the sun, you can talk into
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  Speaker 1: your blue in the face. But until your daughter buys
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  Speaker 1: into it and starts to have that perspective taking moment,
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  Speaker 1: it's not going to happen. Everything that your child does
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  Speaker 1: makes sense to them, even if it doesn't make sense
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  Speaker 1: to you, And that perspective taking is very, very challenging.
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  Speaker 1: Getting them to take yours is even harder. As a
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  Speaker 1: dad of a couple of twenty somethings now three twenty somethings, now,
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  Speaker 1: I can tell you how refreshing and how delightful it
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  Speaker 1: is when they say to you, I really appreciate what
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  Speaker 1: you were trying to tell me six or seven or
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  Speaker 1: eight years ago. I get it now, I can see it.
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  Speaker 1: But when they're going through their adolescent years, they just
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  Speaker 1: can't see it, and it's infuriating. Okay, So here's where
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  Speaker 1: we go with this. Conversations need to be consensual. That is, hey,
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  Speaker 1: I've been thinking about this thing. Would you be open
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  Speaker 1: to having a milkshake with me and chatting with me
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  Speaker 1: about it a bit. This is not an explorer explained
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  Speaker 1: in power conversation as much as it's two people trying
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  Speaker 1: to wrestle around with some tricky things. And I find
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  Speaker 1: that a useful framing can be upside downside. In other words,
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  Speaker 1: let's say you've got two opposing views. You say to
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  Speaker 1: your child, Okay, your view is this, you want to
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  Speaker 1: cruise through life. You've got this nice balanced out look
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  Speaker 1: you find having a I don't know, a minimum wage
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  Speaker 1: job and just doing enough. I get it. It's really appealing,
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  Speaker 1: especially especially when you're a teenager looking at things and
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  Speaker 1: looking at all the stress that school can create. What's
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  Speaker 1: the upside here? And so get them to explore the
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  Speaker 1: upside with you. They'll talk about how nice it feels
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  Speaker 1: to be relaxed, and how everything's probably going to work out,
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  Speaker 1: and they come from a good family, like the upside
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  Speaker 1: is really apparent to them, and then you can talk
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  Speaker 1: to them about the downside. That's the next question, what's
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  Speaker 1: the downside to you making these choices? If they're willing
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  Speaker 1: to be honest with you, they will acknowledge that there
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  Speaker 1: are several pitfalls to this approach. Nevertheless, there are also
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  Speaker 1: I mean, the upside's real and this is the great challenge, right.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, I was a high school failure. I scored
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  Speaker 1: on the bottom fifteen percent of New South Wales in
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  Speaker 1: my HSC and it wasn't until I was twenty seven
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  Speaker 1: years of age, married with a mortgage, a couple of
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  Speaker 1: kids that I went back to school and literally turned
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  Speaker 1: my life around. So if they do want a cruise,
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  Speaker 1: there is still the potential that that can change later
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  Speaker 1: in life. It's just that the numbers are against them.
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  Speaker 1: The probability is lower and lower the older they get. Nevertheless,
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  Speaker 1: there's an upside downside conversation looking at their choices. Then
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  Speaker 1: you can spin around and say, well, let's have a
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  Speaker 1: look at it from my perspective, what's the upside to
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  Speaker 1: working really hard at school and perhaps having a little
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  Speaker 1: bit more get up and go, And then what's the downside.
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  Speaker 1: Once you've had that conversation, hopefully your child will walk
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  Speaker 1: away and start to contemplate the discussion. I guarantee you
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  Speaker 1: they're not going to look at you and say, well,
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  Speaker 1: this has changed everything. I'm so motivated, inspired, I'm ready
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  Speaker 1: to go right now. Thank you so much for doing that.
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  Speaker 1: That won't happen. What does happen, though, is kids go
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  Speaker 1: away and they think about stuff, and little by little
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  Speaker 1: attitudes can shift, not all the time, but sometimes. And
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  Speaker 1: I think this is probably going to be your best bet. Ultimately,
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  Speaker 1: who we are as models is going to be more
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  Speaker 1: predictive of who our children become than anything else. It
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  Speaker 1: takes a real concerted effort on the part of our
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  Speaker 1: children to buck the trend or buck the conditioning and
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  Speaker 1: the socialization that we've given them. Some do, but if
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  Speaker 1: we can maintain those good relationships and support our kids,
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  Speaker 1: they'll usually be fine. I think there's one more thing
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  Speaker 1: I'd add, and that is just to find that thing
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  Speaker 1: your child might not be particularly motivated because for many children,
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  Speaker 1: and I say this with no disrespect of people working
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  Speaker 1: in education, but for many kids' school really does suck.
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  Speaker 1: They just they hate it and they don't see an
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  Speaker 1: academic element to their futures. I had a student at
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  Speaker 1: a school in Brisbane Just last week, when I was
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  Speaker 1: giving a talk about year eleven, year twelve and what
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  Speaker 1: to expect and how to do well and what options
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  Speaker 1: they have, I had a student put up his hand
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  Speaker 1: and said, he said, I just don't understand why I
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  Speaker 1: have to do the maths that I have to do,
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  Speaker 1: given that I'm never going to do maths again once
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  Speaker 1: i leave high school, certainly not this kind of maths.
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  Speaker 1: What's the point? And this is a legitimate question that
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  Speaker 1: a lot of kids are asking. This doesn't seem relevant
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  Speaker 1: at all. And that's why I think there's real value
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  Speaker 1: in finding the thing that lights them up and finding
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  Speaker 1: the thing that they can really orient themselves towards and
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  Speaker 1: move forward in that direction. Because then, well, if that
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  Speaker 1: maths is necessary to get there because they want to
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  Speaker 1: go to UNI, more power to them. They're going to
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  Speaker 1: get in there and do it. And if it's not
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  Speaker 1: because they have different plans, then they can have that
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  Speaker 1: a more relaxed approach. They can have an alternative approach
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  Speaker 1: because they've found the thing that really does it for them.
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  Speaker 1: Now let's step into part two about a husband in
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  Speaker 1: the kitchen using his EarPods rather than participating in the
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  Speaker 1: family discussion This one really frustrates me. I totally get
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  Speaker 1: where you're coming from this one. It's one of those
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  Speaker 1: situations where it's totally understandable that you'd feel bugged by
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  Speaker 1: your husband's epod habit. When you feel disconnected from your
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  Speaker 1: husband or partner and you're sharing the same space, it's frustrating,
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  Speaker 1: and it makes sense that you would crave those casual
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  Speaker 1: moments of connection because that's what we all do, That's
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  Speaker 1: how most of us are wired. Now here's what I
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  Speaker 1: want to recommend. It's important to understand his perspective. It
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  Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you're necessarily going to accept it, but
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  Speaker 1: it's important to understand where he's coming from. When I
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  Speaker 1: hear your perspective, his response seems dismissive. However, it's possible
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  Speaker 1: that your husband is using his EarPods as a way
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  Speaker 1: to create a sense of personal space and decompress while
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  Speaker 1: still making a contribution to what needs to happen at home. Now,
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  Speaker 1: you and I both agree that he's got his priorities
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  Speaker 1: around the wrong way. It's actually about involvement. It's not
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  Speaker 1: about helping that is, it's about being together and having
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  Speaker 1: that casual connection more than it's about getting the dishes
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  Speaker 1: dried and put away. A lot of people, though, find
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  Speaker 1: listening to musical podcasts really soothing and it can help
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  Speaker 1: them focus on mundane chores. I think, though, that it's
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  Speaker 1: important that he understands that his choice is impacting your
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  Speaker 1: ability and the ability of the kids to connect with him.
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  Speaker 1: And that's ultimately what this is about. The task is
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  Speaker 1: the vehicle to connection. It's not the purpose of the ride.
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  Speaker 1: The whole idea is that we're spending time together. Every
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  Speaker 1: night in our family, we have all in and that
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  Speaker 1: means everyone comes into the kitchen and they help with
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  Speaker 1: the dishes and the clearing of the table, and the
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  Speaker 1: sweeping or the vacuuming of the mopping of the floor.
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  Speaker 1: We're all in there together for ten, fifteen, twenty minutes
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  Speaker 1: getting the job done. And it's about togetherness. It's not
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  Speaker 1: actually about the task though. It's about the conversations. It's
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  Speaker 1: about the laughter. It's about the continued discussion from the
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  Speaker 1: kitchen table. So what do you do about it? I
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  Speaker 1: think there's a couple of things. Number one, what's his
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  Speaker 1: expectation of the kids They allowed to have their headphones
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  Speaker 1: in as well. Is he fine with that or is
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  Speaker 1: that not okay? Because consistency is important more than anything, though,
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  Speaker 1: I think that we've got to communicate really clearly and
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  Speaker 1: really collaboratively. What does that mean. It means probably four things,
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  Speaker 1: maybe five things. Number one, you've got to choose the
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  Speaker 1: right time. It's not the right time to have the
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  Speaker 1: conversation while he's in the middle of cooking or cleaning
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  Speaker 1: and the EarPods are in. You don't rip about and
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  Speaker 1: say we need to talk about this. I've had enough.
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  Speaker 1: Really need to find a neutral time when you can
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  Speaker 1: both talk calmly and openly. And while I don't talk
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  Speaker 1: about this sort of stuff much on the podcast, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm not a huge fan of the quote unquote eye statements,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes they're really helpful. Expressing your feelings using eye statements
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  Speaker 1: gets messages across. So you might say, I feel disconnected
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  Speaker 1: when you wear your ear pods while we're in the
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  Speaker 1: kitchen together. I miss our casual chats. I miss the
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  Speaker 1: chance to connect with you. You're not blaming him, You're
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  Speaker 1: not telling him there's anything wrong with him. You're saying
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  Speaker 1: I feel this, I missed that, I want this, And
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  Speaker 1: what I'm really be working towards is focusing on the positive,
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  Speaker 1: If you frame your request in terms of what you'd
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  Speaker 1: like to gain rather than what he's doing wrong, it's
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  Speaker 1: going to go down much better. An example would be,
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  Speaker 1: I'd love it if we could have earpod free time
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  Speaker 1: in the evenings while we're making dinner, while we're tidying up,
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  Speaker 1: because it means so much to me when we have
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  Speaker 1: that time to connect, and the kids love it as well.
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  Speaker 1: So we're really focusing on the benefit to having the
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  Speaker 1: ear pods out rather than you're dismissing us. You're ignoring us,
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  Speaker 1: you're abrogating your responsibilities as a father and a husband.
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  Speaker 1: And I think there's also value in considering what a
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  Speaker 1: compromise or negotiation might look like. Maybe he promises to
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  Speaker 1: just wear one earpod instead of two, or he agrees
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  Speaker 1: that he'll go earpod free at some times but not others.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know where you'll fall on that, and certainly
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  Speaker 1: i'd struggle with some compromises around this, but maybe some
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  Speaker 1: of those will work for you ultimately. Ultimately, I think
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  Speaker 1: that if he continues to dismiss your feelings, if he
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  Speaker 1: refuses to talk with you, if there's no willingness at
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  Speaker 1: all to compromise if there's an unwillingness to connect. I
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  Speaker 1: think that there's boundaries that can be set. You might say,
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  Speaker 1: I get it. I know that you need personal time.
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  Speaker 1: We all do. It makes sense you using the EarPods
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  Speaker 1: in the kitchen is a barrier to the relationship and
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  Speaker 1: that's not acceptable to me. And so therefore you might say,
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  Speaker 1: I'd rather be in the kitchen with the kids without
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  Speaker 1: you there, so that we can have time together without
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  Speaker 1: feeling like we're on eggshells around you because you've go
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  Speaker 1: that the earphones in. Or you might say, I just
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  Speaker 1: you're going to have to clean up the kitchen on
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  Speaker 1: your own because we're missing under that connection time and
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  Speaker 1: you can go and do something else with the kids.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean, this is where it starts
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  Speaker 1: to get messy, and I want to tread very carefully
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  Speaker 1: but sometimes cynically. A boundaries and't just saying I'm an
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  Speaker 1: adult here and I have feelings too, might be where
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  Speaker 1: you go. I really think that those other ideas are
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  Speaker 1: going to be more helpful though, choosing the right time
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  Speaker 1: to communicate using some carefully phrase eye statements, really focusing
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  Speaker 1: on the positive of having those ear pods out and
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  Speaker 1: trying to compromise if it's necessary. Sometimes, sometimes this type
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  Speaker 1: of behavior can be a symptom of a larger issue.
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  Speaker 1: Your husband may be consistently withdrawing, consistently being disengaged, and
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  Speaker 1: if he is, it's probably going to be helpful to
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  Speaker 1: explore those underlying dynamics. This is where you go and
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: have couples counseling. It can be a valuable resource for
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  Speaker 1: navigating the challenges and strengthening your connection. Open communication, though,
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  Speaker 1: mutual respect, willingness to compromise, they're probably going to be
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  Speaker 1: the best solutions to resolve in this type of conflict.
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  Speaker 1: I think that by expressing your needs really clearly and respectfully,
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  Speaker 1: you will be able to create a more connected and
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  Speaker 1: fulfilling relationship. Good luck, hope it works. Thank you so
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: much for the question. If you would like to submit
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: a question every Tuesday, I'll do my best to answer
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: them for you. Happy families dot com dot A. You
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: go to the super simple system on the homepage where
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: it says podcasts Just clip the record button, start talking.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: That's all you've got to do. The Happy Families podcast
• 14:31
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