Latest / Aspergers & Autism Podcast [The Aspie World] AuDHD / Autism And Sexuality Secrets to Better Relationships

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Autism And Sexuality Secrets to Better Relationships · Aspergers & Autism Podcast [The Aspie World] AuDHD

• 0:00
  All right, let's talk about autism sexuality.
• 0:02
  In this video, I'm going to cover a lot of the
• 0:05
  misconceptions, but also some ways to help you if you are
• 0:08
  wanting to get intimate or you're wanting to make sure that
• 0:10
  you get the best out of your intimacy with your partner and
• 0:13
  you're on the autism spectrum, don't go anywhere.
• 0:14
  It's all coming up guys. What's going on?
• 0:18
  Welcome back to the ASP world. My name is Dan at autism and
• 0:21
  ADHD. Now, if you're new around here
• 0:23
  and you're new to this channel, make sure to hit the subscribe
• 0:25
  button by clicking the notification bell down below and
• 0:29
  give this video a like if you feel like it is helping you.
• 0:31
  OK, so I wrote a book called Autism for Adults.
• 0:34
  It became an international bestseller in the US, Canada and
• 0:37
  UK back in 2023. I think I released it.
• 0:40
  Now the cool thing was I talk about autism in relationships,
• 0:44
  right? Because I am in a relationship
• 0:48
  and I have been in other relationships.
• 0:51
  And what's really interesting is the amount of people who kind of
• 0:55
  this is 2 things. One is that people don't
• 0:57
  understand the, the difficulties of the sensory issues or maybe
• 1:02
  some of the, the, the, the thought processes of autistic
• 1:05
  individuals and their sexuality and, and sexual intimacy in
• 1:08
  general. And then the other thing is that
• 1:10
  a lot of people think because you're classified as a disabled
• 1:13
  person, you're autistic disabled person, you're not going to be
• 1:15
  capable of wanting to have intimacy or, or even have sex.
• 1:18
  I just wanted to say today's video is sponsored by Balassa.
• 1:21
  Now Balassa is a bi woman company whose mission is to help
• 1:26
  with everything sexual Wellness right in the world.
• 1:29
  Now, one of the most interesting things about Bolasa is that they
• 1:32
  have these silent vibe toys. My friends at Bolasa have the
• 1:37
  best deal ever. They're going to be sending out
• 1:38
  a free vibrator or a gift card for a vibrator of your choice to
• 1:43
  everybody who signs up to the campaign.
• 1:45
  Now I'm going to leave the giveaway link in the description
• 1:48
  of this video, so you can go through to that.
• 1:50
  Now if you're watching on any other platform, just make sure
• 1:53
  you go through to my YouTube channel and find this video
• 1:55
  talking about autism and sexuality.
• 1:57
  Now I am going to just show you a little quick overview of some
• 2:01
  of the products that they sent me to show you guys because I
• 2:03
  know that most of you watching are probably a female.
• 2:06
  OK, so the Pebble is a section vibrator controlled
• 2:11
  independently, so it's ergonomically built to fit
• 2:13
  perfectly in your hand. And as you can see in these
• 2:16
  these little clips, the newest edition of the Pebble Pro is the
• 2:20
  next Gen. power and it's a longer, stronger and more
• 2:24
  powerful motor for deeper and more satisfying sensations.
• 2:27
  Right now. The next one is the air vibe.
• 2:29
  This is a dual simulator G spot and click stimulator, which it
• 2:33
  comes with most discreet casing. Again, it's super discreet and
• 2:36
  it's waterproof, it's rechargeable and it's silent
• 2:39
  right? This is really interesting for
• 2:41
  autism and sexual health is because if you're an assistant
• 2:43
  person and you want access to silent vibrators because this
• 2:47
  noise could also impact you because this is what we're going
• 2:49
  to talk about in this video. So the next one is called the
• 2:51
  flutter vibe. This one is a dual stimulated G
• 2:53
  spot and click stimulator. It stimulates and experiences of
• 2:57
  a human tongue, but with an added precision, so mimicking
• 3:02
  the sensation of oral pleasure. So as you can see in these
• 3:04
  videos, it comes in the most discreet casing.
• 3:07
  It's waterproof and rechargeable, and it's powered
• 3:09
  by a discreet series of technology.
• 3:10
  So it's like very, very cool. Again, this thing is pretty
• 3:13
  amazing and I know you guys are going to love it.
• 3:15
  OK, so make sure you check out the link down below.
• 3:18
  If you want to vibe for free or you want a gift card to use at
• 3:21
  the Balassa store, you can do make sure to check out the link
• 3:25
  in the description. Let's go on with the video.
• 3:26
  Me and my partner have five children between us.
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  It's a blended situation. People think oh wow, you guys
• 3:32
  have parents and we're both autistic.
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  So my partner's autistic and I'm autistic and we both have ADHD.
• 3:38
  And what's really interesting is that it gives lots of insight
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  into kind of like what are the things that are on the spectrum
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  struggle with? What are the things that people
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  on the spectrum have issues and difficulties with when trying to
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  become intimate? Because intimacy is not just
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  kind of like, you know, one Bam, thank you, ma'am.
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  There's a lot more into that. You know, there's, there's
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  feelings and, and connections and touch and sounds.
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  So I'm going to go through all the things.
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  What I did is I went to my book and I listed out some some key
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  areas where we can talk about the areas that may impact you.
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  Like I said before, autism comes with sensory processing disorder
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  and what that means is basically like sight, smell, sounds,
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  temperature, textures, even feeling close to somebody.
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  Now there is different experiences and I've had
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  different experiences with different people and I know this
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  from my current partner. She tells me the same thing.
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  Like I like the touch of my current partner to an extent
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  where it doesn't irritate me or bother me at all.
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  If we're touching too much, I never get touched out and we
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  have a a special connection, hence why we're together.
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  But I have been with other people where too much touch is
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  overpowering and it's too overwhelming for me and I don't
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  enjoy that connection as much. So so how do we navigate this
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  world? Another thing is that if you're
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  wanting to become intimate, you can't just simply think
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  everything is going to be as you want it.
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  Because the temperature, the, the feeling of your clothes, the
• 5:02
  feeling of the other person's skin them, the smell of them,
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  the smell of you, the smell of the room, the lighting in the
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  room, all of these things could really disrupt how you are in
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  that moment. So I've got some ideas, right?
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  And this is kind of like a sensory consent menu, but it's
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  not more more of a consent menu. It's more of a kind of like how
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  to plan things out. How do you get this?
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  How do you get the most out of it without kind of upsetting the
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  other person? Because at the end of the day,
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  you don't upset the person who you're going to want to kind of
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  be in a relationship with and they don't want to kind of upset
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  you and you don't feel left out, right?
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  So the first thing to do is make a yes and no list.
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  OK, so this is basically you try and make a list of like touch,
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  pressure, temperature and fabrics, sounds and sense.
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  So you just provide any intimacy.
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  So basically you make a A1 to 10 pressure scale, right?
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  So for example, you would have a really simple thing like, Hey,
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  hugs are about A7, right? I can deal with that because I
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  like, you know, full pressure, like I I don't like soft touch.
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  So hugs are about A7 back rubs about a three.
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  And then you can see how different types of touch can
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  shock your system because what happens is, say you wanted to
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  become intimate with somebody, and then you start becoming
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  intimate, but you've got sensory processing disorders for light
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  touch and they lightly go past you.
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  It's going to make you jump. It's going to make you feel a
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  certain way. And that's not something you
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  want, right? You want to avoid that at all
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  costs. So you create these clarity on
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  the matters of touch, right? So you're thinking, OK, so you
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  have predetermined kind of do's and don'ts.
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  They know that you like, you know, firm touch.
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  They know that you, you know, I don't know, don't like hugs or
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  you don't like back rubs or feet rubs.
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  I don't know. It's whatever's personal to you.
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  Now, I would say that you script 2 sentences that would say like
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  every time you know, you want to have intercourse, you'll be
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  like, hey, here's what this makes me feel like if it's good
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  or if it's bad, right? So it's kind of like I want to
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  avoid this tonight because maybe you want to engage in it, of
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  course, because obviously we're humans and we want that need.
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  But maybe you don't want lots and lots of kissing or maybe you
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  don't want lots and lots of like smells or candles or anything.
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  You just want it like the room temperature and the lighting to
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  be the same. So it's kind of like, hey,
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  here's what I want to avoid tonight or here's what I would
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  like to do tonight, right? And if you say those needs, the
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  other person will say to you, well, here, here's what I want
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  or here's what I need tonight. And so then you can come to a
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  compromise in the middle, which is exactly what you want in a
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  relationship because what you don't want is to have an
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  avoidance of intimacy because intimacy is a key path to a
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  solid foundation of a good relationship.
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  So do a quick 5 minutes like scene scan, like just have a
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  quick seat. Like you know what the lights
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  like, what's the noise like? Do we have music on?
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  Do we not have music on? Do I want music on?
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  Is that strong smells? There's something like a candle.
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  Is there an oil we're using? You know, the comfort depends on
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  your needs, right? And so maybe you want no smells
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  or cold room and all the lights off, right?
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  And there's nothing wrong with that.
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  I'm just saying that you need to communicate this to the person.
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  Then the other person needs to also communicate their needs to
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  you because it is a joint partnership, right?
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  And so you simply just make a quick check sheet of all the
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  things that you like and you don't like.
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  And then once you know about your kind of scene, you know
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  about your touch or whatever, you can then do a thing where
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  you have like a pause word or a so say, maybe, maybe you're
• 8:27
  engaging in intercourse and you're, you know, getting ready
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  and you're doing stuff, but there's something off.
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  Maybe you wanted music at the beginning, but now the music's
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  putting you off now. It'd be a heck of a shame if the
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  other person felt like you weren't into it because of them
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  when it would have been an environmental factor.
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  Like the music or that it's too hot in the room or there's a
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  certain smell in the room. Maybe you kind of like going for
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  a shower and then the smell of the shampoo or something is kind
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  of like coming into the room. So it's always important to to
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  make sure that if there is anything there, you need these
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  kind of code words, right? And so I have this also in a
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  relationship for communication where if my partner's busy
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  because of rejection sensitivity, if I message her
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  and she can't message me back, I worry like, Oh my goodness,
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  maybe I'll upset her. But rather than me worry, she
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  just sends me an emoji symbol that we've agreed upon that I
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  know that she's just busy. So I'll speak to her when she's
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  ready. It's like a loading, you know,
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  you know, pending, I'm busy. I'll message you later.
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  So have a word or a phrase that you use if you need to just stop
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  and rehash something, right? Because it's so important.
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  We don't think about these things, but it's important
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  because autism has caused a communication disorder, a
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  communication issue. So we need to communicate our
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  needs in a way where both parties will understand each
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  other. So I said about doing the the
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  the you know, you check out the noise or the sounds in the room,
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  then low lights, you know, cool room or hot room or whatever you
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  want. I get everything right, the
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  sheet track everything right. And then you agree on the simple
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  word like it could be, Hey, pause for a SEC or whatever it
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  is, right? Just to make a small change to
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  the environment that you don't lose yourself in it, right?
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  So rejection can be difficult for relationships, right?
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  And so to help explain this, you want to be able to be upfront
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  and be like, hey, if, if you know if it's a new relationship
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  or even if it's an ongoing relationship, this could help
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  improve the way in which your sexuality and the time you have
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  with that person actually increases in its potential.
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  Because like I said, it's the core value of everything.
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  Now, it may not work with every single person, but it will work
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  with many people and those people are going to get a lot of
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  benefit from this. OK, so I would also say do a 10
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  minute pre-check together before intimacy, just adjusting, you
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  know, one thing at a time and then retry.
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  Like you're going to find something that works for you,
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  but in order to find that thing that works for you, you have to
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  test things, right? If you don't test something,
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  then you'll never know. And so I would also say build a
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  pressure plan. So you start with firm touch and
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  then, you know, I, I like firm touch.
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  And then maybe if I'm having, you know, a lot of firm touch,
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  then soft touch isn't too much of an issue.
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  And that's really interesting because we are complex creatures
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  as humans, but we're even more complex when we have an autism
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  spectrum disorder, right? So, you know, starting with firm
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  and then going on to, you know, light touch, if it triggers, you
• 11:14
  then edit it out of the system. But then maybe, you know, you
• 11:18
  want to not have hugs or you don't want to like lay next to
• 11:21
  somebody. There's a lot of things that
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  come into it. So all I'm saying is that make a
• 11:23
  pressure plan. Say, hey, these are the, this is
• 11:25
  the type of pressure I like. This is the type of pressure I
• 11:27
  don't like. And if the person's cool with
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  it, then you go, OK, cool. And I guess that there are going
• 11:31
  to be some compromises where you'll be like, OK, well, maybe
• 11:34
  we'll have to figure something out, right?
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  If the person doesn't want to, you know, doesn't like hard
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  pressure and they're like soft touch, but you do like the
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  opposite, it could become difficult.
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  But you just eradicate those things from your intimacy,
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  right? And it's really interesting
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  because I found that the more you communicate before intimacy
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  and more honestly and upfront you are with stuff, then there's
• 11:53
  no ambiguity. There's no kind of going back.
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  So we can't be like, Oh, I didn't know you didn't like
• 11:58
  this. There may be some things that
• 11:59
  will arise that you didn't know of, but then you share it
• 12:02
  afterwards or, or if you say, hey, I didn't realize, I wasn't
• 12:04
  really into this. Let's go forward and do
• 12:07
  something else. So practice non asexual touch
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  first. This is a really good tip.
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  So why not like, you know, have a 15 minute kind of like, you
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  know, play around that's non sexual, but you can touch each
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  other where you know, holding hands or touching sitting next
• 12:23
  to somebody. You're skin to skin because what
• 12:25
  happens when your skin touches another person's skin,
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  especially if you, you know, phenomenically interested in
• 12:32
  that person, is you'll have a release of something called
• 12:34
  oxytocin, which is going to make you feel really, really good.
• 12:36
  But if you're touching skin with somebody and you're not getting
• 12:39
  the oxytocin, it could be down to the pressure of that.
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  It could be like if that light touch is not doing it or heart
• 12:44
  touch is not doing it, maybe you need a light touch and that kind
• 12:46
  of stuff. So I would say that you start
• 12:48
  with like just testing the boundaries of like what kind of
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  touching into deal for like 15 minutes and have a stop signal
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  be like, OK, I don't like this, but it's not to offend the other
• 12:58
  person. It's just to kind of make them
• 12:59
  aware of your needs, right? And specific needs.
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  And so an example of this would be like 3 minutes of squeezing
• 13:03
  somebody's hand and then agreed pressure, you know, and then you
• 13:07
  measure that and then two minutes of rest.
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  So between and then you can repeat this.
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  And so once you both match the pressure.
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  And this sounds kind of very complex thing and we're
• 13:17
  goodness, all this complexity for just intimacy.
• 13:18
  But it's, it's important because a lot of people don't cover this
• 13:21
  and we don't talk about it. And I think intimacy is such an
• 13:24
  important part of any relationship with autism, right?
• 13:27
  So one of the things that we never do is maybe like a debrief
• 13:31
  afterwards. So after intimacy, I would say
• 13:32
  always debrief with like questions like, hey, was that
• 13:34
  OK? Or was it too much?
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  Is there anything you'd like to change for next time?
• 13:38
  Keep it short, very direct, very open and honest.
• 13:41
  As long as you're open, as long as you're wanting and willing to
• 13:44
  do and improve the conditions of the intimacy between you, you're
• 13:49
  going to be fine. And I'd say always do this,
• 13:51
  right? So you have a quick overview is
• 13:53
  that you make, you know, a yes, no and try, right?
• 13:56
  So temperatures, fabrics, sounds and stuff.
• 13:59
  So yes, I like this. No, I don't like that.
• 14:02
  Maybe I'll try this. And then you do your, you know,
• 14:06
  trial touching pressure beforehand.
• 14:10
  You do a quick scenery scout around you set everything up as
• 14:13
  much as you can. And then afterwards just have a
• 14:16
  tiny debrief. I know it sounds more like an
• 14:18
  operation rather than intimacy, but you want to make sure that
• 14:22
  you get it right because what? So what will happen is as you,
• 14:26
  you know, you do this once and then maybe twice and three times
• 14:29
  and then for the third time, you're going to know what you
• 14:32
  like, what you don't like and how to manoeuvre around that.
• 14:34
  And so this is what I would do. Now if you want all of what I
• 14:37
  spoke about in a nice uniformed pattern or a sheet or PDF, then
• 14:42
  just go to link down in the description down below.
• 14:44
  And I'll leave it as I'll just put PDF from video and I'll link
• 14:47
  it so you can go and download it.
• 14:49
  And you can go through this at your own pleasure, leisure and
• 14:53
  time. Don't forget guys, if you are
• 14:55
  interested in the campaign, make sure to check out Belissa.
• 14:59
  They are giving away a free vibrator or a gift card for one
• 15:02
  on the website. All you have to do is get in on
• 15:04
  the giveaway. Go to link in the description
• 15:06
  down below. Going to be awesome guys.
• 15:08
  Peace.