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The Success Trap: Why Achievement Alone Won't Make You Happy | Life-Changing Truth · Wake Up with Marci

0:00
Speaker 1: And I say this very seriously that anybody that lives
0:03
Speaker 1: in a domestic violence situation and an abusive situation of any kind,
0:07
Speaker 1: you always have a plan. It may be fantasy, right,
0:10
Speaker 1: There are some women that are like, if I could
0:12
Speaker 1: just get a job and make six figures a year,
0:13
Speaker 1: and they're you know, high school graduates and have never worked,
0:16
Speaker 1: and you know, but everybody always has a plan. And
0:18
Speaker 1: so I knew that the biggest, the biggest thing that
0:22
Speaker 1: I needed to focus on was the safety of the
0:23
Speaker 1: children and I and that until I could ensure that
0:27
Speaker 1: to the best of my ability, we just needed to
0:29
Speaker 1: stay in an environment for where we could work things through.
0:32
Speaker 1: And so by the time the incident had happened, I
0:35
Speaker 1: had been trying to figure out a way to keep
0:38
Speaker 1: us safe for well over five years, so it was
0:40
Speaker 1: probably more like seven or eight. And so at that
0:43
Speaker 1: point it was like, Okay, well, what do we do next?
0:45
Speaker 1: And so in my world, the first thing was I
0:48
Speaker 1: need an expert.
0:48
Speaker 2: This is Wake Up with Marcie, a space for honest
0:51
Speaker 2: conversations about healing, recovery and women's wellness. I'm Marcy Hopkins.
0:57
Speaker 2: Take a breath, You're safe here.
0:59
Speaker 3: Let's begin.
1:04
Speaker 2: What if everything you've been told about success is wrong?
1:08
Speaker 2: What if the promotion, the title, the perfect career, the
1:12
Speaker 2: life that looks so good on the outside still leaves
1:15
Speaker 2: you feeling empty Because so many high achieving women spend
1:20
Speaker 2: years building a successful life while quietly losing themselves in
1:25
Speaker 2: the process. And sometimes it isn't until life falls apart
1:29
Speaker 2: that we finally understand or discover who we really are.
1:35
Speaker 2: Welcome all to Wake Up with Marci. Thank you so
1:38
Speaker 2: much for being here, Thank you for listening or watching.
1:41
Speaker 2: I'm Marci Hopkins, your host, author, TV host, motivational speaker,
1:46
Speaker 2: and mental health advocate, and on Wake Up with Marcie,
1:49
Speaker 2: we have honest conversations about healing, recovery, relationships, and what
1:55
Speaker 2: it really takes to rebuild your life. If today's conversation
2:00
Speaker 2: and resonates with you, please make sure to like, comment
2:03
Speaker 2: and share this episode with someone who may need to
2:06
Speaker 2: hear it, because these are the conversations that help people
2:10
Speaker 2: realize that they're not alone creating that ripple effect. Today's
2:15
Speaker 2: episode is for every woman who has spent her life achieving, producing,
2:21
Speaker 2: and taking care of everyone else. Like, does that sound
2:25
Speaker 2: familiar because I've been there? But then one day you
2:31
Speaker 2: wake up and wonder what about me? You've lost yourself,
2:37
Speaker 2: Because sometimes the greatest transformation doesn't happen with life goes
2:42
Speaker 2: according to plan. It happens when everything you thought to
2:46
Speaker 2: find you falls away. My guest today is Melissa Franks.
2:50
Speaker 2: Melissa is a nationally recognized business strategist, fractional COO, speaker,
2:56
Speaker 2: podcast host, and founder of on Call CEO. A former
3:01
Speaker 2: Fortune five hundred executive and three time on con Top
3:06
Speaker 2: one hundred COO winner, she has led billion dollar transformations
3:11
Speaker 2: and helped countless businesses scale and thrive. But behind the
3:16
Speaker 2: corporate success is a woman who also knows what it
3:20
Speaker 2: means to rebuild after personal and professional setbacks and to
3:25
Speaker 2: discover that true success isn't just about what you build,
3:29
Speaker 2: but who you become. Now let's meet Melissa. Hello, Melissa,
3:35
Speaker 2: welcome to Wake Up with Marcy.
3:37
Speaker 1: Hello, it's great to be here.
3:39
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for taking the time, and I'm
3:41
Speaker 2: excited about this conversation and listen.
3:45
Speaker 3: I mean, we show up so.
3:48
Speaker 2: Much for others in our lives, and we're trying to
3:53
Speaker 2: accomplish so many things, and I think a lot of
3:56
Speaker 2: that has to do with our upbringing especially in our
4:00
Speaker 2: age group, as women always being the caretaker, right, we
4:05
Speaker 2: were raised to be that. But for you, I mean,
4:11
Speaker 2: things looked amazing, Right. You had a career, you were
4:15
Speaker 2: a leader, and you had an accomplishment that so many
4:19
Speaker 2: were were and are chasing. But you say your greatest
4:25
Speaker 2: growth came during a season of personal and professional upheaval.
4:30
Speaker 2: Can you take us back and share with us what
4:32
Speaker 2: happened during that time?
4:34
Speaker 1: Absolutely? So, I had what looked like on the outside
4:40
Speaker 1: a meteoric rise inside of a financial services company. So
4:45
Speaker 1: I had gotten very comfortable being the only woman. I
4:47
Speaker 1: was always the youngest, and I really internally became the
4:51
Speaker 1: poster child for successful woman. Look, we have a woman
4:55
Speaker 1: that's in the C suite and she's a mom, and
4:58
Speaker 1: she's married, and she can try all over the place.
5:01
Speaker 1: And that persona was highly cultivated and managed by the corporation.
5:06
Speaker 1: And I left them in the fall of twenty twenty
5:09
Speaker 1: two because a it was time for me personally to
5:13
Speaker 1: move on. I hit a ceiling and was bored out
5:15
Speaker 1: of my mind. And also it wasn't a business where
5:19
Speaker 1: I could work in anymore. It had been really difficult,
5:22
Speaker 1: kind of behind the scenes. I went to a startup
5:25
Speaker 1: and that lasted nine months until it failed. And almost
5:29
Speaker 1: at the exact same time that the startup began to fail,
5:32
Speaker 1: what had been very quietly behind the scenes an abusive
5:36
Speaker 1: marriage for well over a decade imploded and the father
5:42
Speaker 1: of my children ended up arrested for domestic violence in
5:45
Speaker 1: July of twenty twenty three. As I said, the startup
5:48
Speaker 1: was failing, but I kind of wasn't paying attention because
5:50
Speaker 1: I was trying to figure things out in the family
5:52
Speaker 1: court system. And so in October of twenty twenty three,
5:55
Speaker 1: startup failed. I didn't get the sufference package that I
5:58
Speaker 1: had negotiated so smart I was in family court every week,
6:03
Speaker 1: so four and five figures a month in legal fees,
6:06
Speaker 1: and I had three children I was responsible for, so
6:09
Speaker 1: you know, standing there after all of these accomplishments, I
6:12
Speaker 1: was unemployed. I had no income. I couldn't go get
6:16
Speaker 1: a corporate job because I couldn't travel around the world
6:18
Speaker 1: the way that I used to. We were definitely having
6:20
Speaker 1: some safety concerns and I had to stop and say,
6:24
Speaker 1: so what next? What do I do? And in that moment,
6:28
Speaker 1: it was really, well, what am I best at? And
6:31
Speaker 1: how can I make a dollar doing it?
6:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, and so what did that end up being for you?
6:38
Speaker 1: So ironically or maybe the universe was had my back
6:42
Speaker 1: and an interesting moment a few a few weeks before
6:45
Speaker 1: the startup really hit the skids, and I was offered
6:48
Speaker 1: the opportunity to work for free if I wanted to,
6:50
Speaker 1: which was not happening. I'm still always floored when I
6:57
Speaker 1: say it that that was actually be offered offered, and
7:00
Speaker 1: like in a serious like you know's we're in it together,
7:03
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't feel like we're in it together.
7:07
Speaker 1: And two weeks before that, I had a friend call
7:10
Speaker 1: who had just started a business and she in fact,
7:14
Speaker 1: at the time was one of less than two hundred
7:17
Speaker 1: female female female African American entrepreneurs that it raised a
7:21
Speaker 1: million dollars and seen money, so she highly accomplished on
7:24
Speaker 1: her own. And she called me and said, I'm in
7:26
Speaker 1: over my head and I don't know what I'm doing,
7:27
Speaker 1: and I think I need your help. And I'm like, okay,
7:31
Speaker 1: well we can probably figure that out. And so literally
7:33
Speaker 1: I got off of the Zoom call where I no
7:35
Speaker 1: longer had a job, and I called her and I said, hey,
7:38
Speaker 1: do you still need some help? I think there was
7:40
Speaker 1: about thirty minutes in between point A and point B,
7:44
Speaker 1: and she said, I do And I said, okay, well,
7:47
Speaker 1: I'm going to come in and be your fractional chief
7:48
Speaker 1: operating officer and let me you know, what's your budget,
7:52
Speaker 1: you know, because at this point any dollar was a dollar.
7:55
Speaker 1: And she became my very first client at a retainer
7:58
Speaker 1: for nine thousand dollars a month.
8:00
Speaker 3: And that's very good.
8:03
Speaker 1: To get me just this, like, okay, like for now,
8:08
Speaker 1: you know, for the next thirty days or whatever it was,
8:11
Speaker 1: there's a path I can be productive, I can balance
8:14
Speaker 1: all the things that I have. Some money's coming in
8:17
Speaker 1: the door. Let me figure out what to do next.
8:20
Speaker 1: And that was really just kind of the beginning of
8:22
Speaker 1: the what's this new chapter look like? And how do
8:26
Speaker 1: we define this differently and what do I do going forward?
8:30
Speaker 2: Well, let's rewind a little bit, because I don't want
8:33
Speaker 2: to just pass over the fact that you were in
8:35
Speaker 2: an abusive marriage, because there are a lot of women
8:41
Speaker 2: that are in difficult relationships and abuse can be many things, right,
8:47
Speaker 2: but when generally when you're in a relationship like that,
8:52
Speaker 2: I mean, that breaks you down, tears you down. Like, So,
8:56
Speaker 2: how did you manage to get through that very difficult time.
9:01
Speaker 2: I'm sure you're still healing through it. How did you
9:06
Speaker 2: find the strength to get through it and be there
9:08
Speaker 2: for your children?
9:10
Speaker 1: It's a really interesting question. You know. Recently we were
9:15
Speaker 1: just awarded a permanent restraining order. It took us one
9:17
Speaker 1: thousand and forty one days to get it. And during
9:22
Speaker 1: that process, just recently, my therapist said, you know, you
9:26
Speaker 1: have all the markers of PTSD and if we did
9:28
Speaker 1: a formal diagnosis, we could give you that. And it
9:30
Speaker 1: was such an interesting thing for me to think about
9:33
Speaker 1: because what that really meant was that there was just
9:35
Speaker 1: a lot of mechanisms that I had employed in order
9:39
Speaker 1: to live this dual life, which is exactly what it
9:42
Speaker 1: was to the public. There was there was one version
9:46
Speaker 1: of what was happening, and then as soon as we
9:47
Speaker 1: got inside, it was a completely different ball of blacks.
9:51
Speaker 1: And so by the time everything had fallen apart, the
9:55
Speaker 1: reality was and I say this very seriously that anybody
9:59
Speaker 1: that lives a domestic violence situation and an abusive situation of
10:02
Speaker 1: any kind, you always have a plan. It may be fantasy, right,
10:07
Speaker 1: There are some women that are like, if I could
10:08
Speaker 1: just get a job and make six figures a year
10:10
Speaker 1: and they're you know, high school graduates and have never worked,
10:12
Speaker 1: and you know, but everybody always has a plan, and
10:14
Speaker 1: so I knew that the biggest, the biggest thing that
10:18
Speaker 1: I needed to focus on was the safety of the
10:19
Speaker 1: children and I and that until I could ensure that
10:24
Speaker 1: to the best of my ability, we just needed to
10:27
Speaker 1: stay in an environment for where we could work things through.
10:30
Speaker 1: And so by the time the incident had happened, I
10:33
Speaker 1: had been trying to figure out a way to keep
10:36
Speaker 1: us safe for well over five years, so it was
10:39
Speaker 1: probably more like seven or eight. And so at that
10:42
Speaker 1: point it was like, Okay, well, what do we do next?
10:44
Speaker 1: And so in my world, the first thing was I
10:47
Speaker 1: need an expert. I'm not a family court expert. I
10:49
Speaker 1: don't know what I'm doing. And so I found like
10:51
Speaker 1: the very best lawyer that I could have possibly found
10:54
Speaker 1: who could guide me through the process. And then it
10:57
Speaker 1: became a matter of what can I control and what
11:01
Speaker 1: can I not And I'm a rule follower, tried and true,
11:06
Speaker 1: and so a lot of this process became what are
11:09
Speaker 1: the rules and how do I operate within that? And
11:14
Speaker 1: what did the children need? And what I realized very
11:18
Speaker 1: very quickly, is that life for them on the other
11:20
Speaker 1: side of the one incident was freeing. You know, I
11:26
Speaker 1: lived in a household where we walked on eggshells and
11:27
Speaker 1: everybody was silent and always in their rooms because that
11:30
Speaker 1: was the safest place to be if we could be
11:31
Speaker 1: in our rooms, like nothing bad was going to happen.
11:33
Speaker 1: And just recently I was talking to somebody and I'm like,
11:38
Speaker 1: I need to outside and talk to you. My house
11:39
Speaker 1: was so loud. They were like running around and they
11:41
Speaker 1: were playing video games and they were arguing, and like
11:44
Speaker 1: there was music somewhere, and you know, we got three
11:46
Speaker 1: teenage boys, and that house was something we would have
11:51
Speaker 1: never been able to have before. And so the focus
11:53
Speaker 1: was really how to keep them as healthy and happy
11:56
Speaker 1: and stable as possible. And I can carry whatever where
12:00
Speaker 1: I need to carry in order to make that happen.
12:03
Speaker 2: So for someone out there, were there any signs leading
12:06
Speaker 2: up to things unraveling, because I'm sure he put on
12:11
Speaker 2: a great facade in the beginning, So what did you
12:15
Speaker 2: start seeing? It could be markers for somebody else, right,
12:19
Speaker 2: red flags.
12:20
Speaker 3: For someone else.
12:21
Speaker 1: I think one of the one of the biggest challenges.
12:23
Speaker 1: So there's a few things. The definition of domestic violence
12:27
Speaker 1: is quite broad, and I think people don't actually realize that.
12:31
Speaker 1: We all think you end up in the hospital, it's
12:33
Speaker 1: a domestic violence situation. You know, you see a bruise,
12:36
Speaker 1: you see it, you see those things. And what I
12:38
Speaker 1: realized much much later than I probably should have, is
12:41
Speaker 1: that it's multifaceted. And so you know, there's a term
12:45
Speaker 1: called course of control that I encourage everybody to kind
12:47
Speaker 1: of understand, which means financial control, isolation, manipulation, Uh, there
12:53
Speaker 1: are layers of emotional abuse and you know, and other things.
12:57
Speaker 1: So it's not just a physical situation. But most people
13:00
Speaker 1: to end up in this in an abusive relationship. It
13:03
Speaker 1: happens over time. And one of the things that I
13:06
Speaker 1: really encourage people to think about is to step back
13:10
Speaker 1: and say, does my life, my personal life look materially
13:14
Speaker 1: different now than it used to. I became incredibly isolated.
13:18
Speaker 1: That was for two reasons. One he made it very
13:21
Speaker 1: difficult for people to stay in our lives, and two
13:26
Speaker 1: I didn't want people to know what was happening. And
13:29
Speaker 1: so the best way to protect the illusion was to
13:33
Speaker 1: just stop engaging with people. And if I had stepped
13:37
Speaker 1: back and really started to look at some of those
13:38
Speaker 1: earlier markers before things got significantly worse, I would have
13:43
Speaker 1: been able to say, Oh, there's something happening here. Why
13:46
Speaker 1: am I hiding in plain sight? What's happening here? And
13:50
Speaker 1: I think that that's it's the slow burn and the
13:54
Speaker 1: loss of identity that's the hardest to identify. But being
13:57
Speaker 1: able to step out of yourself and say what compromises
14:00
Speaker 1: have I made to be in this relationship? And if
14:03
Speaker 1: I was talking to my best friend, would I be
14:06
Speaker 1: okay with her making those compromises?
14:09
Speaker 3: So true? It's so true.
14:11
Speaker 2: And it is a slow process, and it's you're broken
14:17
Speaker 2: down slowly, and the changes it's not it's not like overnight.
14:22
Speaker 2: And I never want to take away from physical but
14:27
Speaker 2: mental abuse and control. I mean it literally breaks you
14:33
Speaker 2: down to nothing, just as the physical abuse does, and
14:38
Speaker 2: you completely lose yourself.
14:41
Speaker 3: Yeah.
14:41
Speaker 2: So I just want to say that I'm so enamored
14:47
Speaker 2: by your strength to be able to move past and
14:53
Speaker 2: get your children out of that situation and yourself and
14:57
Speaker 2: yourself because I know so many or so fearful and
15:01
Speaker 2: they stay in situations because they don't know how to
15:04
Speaker 2: get out ye.
15:06
Speaker 3: So for you, you got.
15:08
Speaker 2: Out and you had this opportunity and again like you
15:14
Speaker 2: were taken down and you had nothing right like, and
15:19
Speaker 2: I can relate to that. I mean, it's kind of
15:21
Speaker 2: like you're starting at that ground zero and having to rebuild.
15:27
Speaker 3: And there's a lot of power and strength that comes
15:30
Speaker 3: with that.
15:31
Speaker 2: Truly, truly it does. So let's let's talk about where
15:36
Speaker 2: did that take you once you were given that incredible opportunity.
15:42
Speaker 2: I mean, God is so good, right these things come
15:45
Speaker 2: in And would you say that at that time that
15:50
Speaker 2: you were putting stuff out that you were like looking
15:54
Speaker 2: for this opportunity or trying to be guided in some
15:56
Speaker 2: way to what's next.
15:59
Speaker 1: I mean, if you could pound the virtual pavement, I
16:03
Speaker 1: was pounding it. I've been a high achiever all of
16:05
Speaker 1: my life, right, like we do we do not lose,
16:08
Speaker 1: We find a way to win. You know, That's that's
16:09
Speaker 1: how I am wired. And I also because I had
16:14
Speaker 1: I had run very large businesses, I knew practically speaking,
16:19
Speaker 1: this one opportunity is short lived and not sustainable and
16:25
Speaker 1: not enough. And so if I'm going to do this,
16:28
Speaker 1: even if it's going to be short term, I need
16:30
Speaker 1: to like be firing on all cylinders. And so the
16:34
Speaker 1: very first thing that I did, which was probably one
16:36
Speaker 1: of the harder things for me to do, is I
16:37
Speaker 1: had just completely remove all ego. I had to like
16:41
Speaker 1: get rid of any sort of humility I had, and
16:44
Speaker 1: just anybody I could talk to if this is what
16:47
Speaker 1: I'm doing, this is do you know anybody that needs help?
16:49
Speaker 1: And I really put myself as far out there as
16:52
Speaker 1: I could and was willing to do anything. You know,
16:55
Speaker 1: it it was not it was not a steady climb up.
16:57
Speaker 1: So this is just not a not a story of
17:01
Speaker 1: it was so easy. And what we did? You know,
17:02
Speaker 1: she that I worked with her for about four months
17:05
Speaker 1: and I knew it was coming to an end, and
17:08
Speaker 1: I didn't have anything in the hopper I had. I'd
17:10
Speaker 1: engaged my whole network, and you know, I was doing
17:14
Speaker 1: all the things and just literally nothing was happening.
17:17
Speaker 3: It was just crickets.
17:18
Speaker 1: And so I was at the point where I was
17:20
Speaker 1: on government assistance, and I'm like, do I go work
17:22
Speaker 1: at Starbucks? Like you know, they have good health benefits,
17:24
Speaker 1: Like you know, what do we do here? Do one
17:28
Speaker 1: hundred percent? And I happened to be in you know,
17:30
Speaker 1: the right room at the right time with the right people,
17:32
Speaker 1: and the next client showed up in that regard, and
17:35
Speaker 1: what I what I realized very quickly is it wasn't
17:39
Speaker 1: the world that I had built previously that was going
17:42
Speaker 1: to help me get through this hump. It was the
17:45
Speaker 1: risks and vulnerability that I was going to bring with
17:49
Speaker 1: me into the new chapter that were going to help
17:52
Speaker 1: me get to the people that were going to give
17:54
Speaker 1: me either the skills or the connections or the network
17:57
Speaker 1: or the whatever to get to where I needed to go.
18:00
Speaker 1: And so it was really a process of saying that
18:04
Speaker 1: group of women that I was with in that early
18:06
Speaker 1: March room, they kept referring to me as kind of
18:07
Speaker 1: the phoenix rising from the ashes, and that was really
18:11
Speaker 1: imagery that I stayed with me as we burned it
18:14
Speaker 1: all to the ground October twenty twenty three. Everything got
18:17
Speaker 1: burned to the ground, and so this is now an
18:19
Speaker 1: opportunity for me to figure out what that phoenix is
18:25
Speaker 1: going to look like, how far that phoenix is going
18:27
Speaker 1: to fly.
18:28
Speaker 2: And I love that you brought up vulnerability because that
18:32
Speaker 2: is a huge part of my own story and it's
18:36
Speaker 2: something that I think it's so important that we do
18:40
Speaker 2: talk about, especially as strong women that you see on
18:44
Speaker 2: the outside is so successful, and it is when we
18:49
Speaker 2: got the most vulnerable that we were the strongest. So
18:57
Speaker 2: for you, what is vulnerability really look like? And how
19:03
Speaker 2: can you encourage somebody else to get vulnerable with themselves.
19:07
Speaker 1: So for me, as somebody that had always had all
19:10
Speaker 1: the answers, knew how to do the thing, could figure
19:13
Speaker 1: out out if she needed to, Like I, you know,
19:14
Speaker 1: in the corporate world, I was where everybody came when
19:17
Speaker 1: things were blowing up, you know, like I was. At
19:20
Speaker 1: one point, I was referred to as the Cia of
19:22
Speaker 1: the corporation. At another point, I was referred to as
19:24
Speaker 1: the fixer.
19:25
Speaker 2: You know.
19:25
Speaker 1: People used to call me the Olivia Pope of financial services.
19:28
Speaker 1: And so for me, vulnerability was being very clear, transparent,
19:34
Speaker 1: candid with anybody, like I don't know what I'm doing.
19:38
Speaker 3: That's big.
19:39
Speaker 1: I really don't know what I am doing. I know
19:42
Speaker 1: how to start businesses with like strong seed money and
19:45
Speaker 1: corporate backers and private equity and these sorts of things,
19:47
Speaker 1: but like this whole I'm going to start this thing
19:51
Speaker 1: and I'm going to find clients and I'm going to
19:53
Speaker 1: you know, make a big impact, and you know, I
19:55
Speaker 1: don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to
19:57
Speaker 1: use social media to grow business. I don't know what
20:00
Speaker 1: paid advertising means. Like I know what a billboard is,
20:02
Speaker 1: but I don't even know the language you're talking about.
20:04
Speaker 1: And so for me, it was at you know, forty
20:09
Speaker 1: five and highly accomplished on paper, getting very public and
20:14
Speaker 1: loud about the fact of like, I need help. Who
20:17
Speaker 1: knows how to do this?
20:19
Speaker 3: Love?
20:19
Speaker 1: Who can I meet?
20:21
Speaker 2: Yeah?
20:21
Speaker 1: Who introduce me to? Who can I buy a program from?
20:25
Speaker 1: Who do I need to learn from?
20:26
Speaker 3: Like?
20:27
Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm doing, But what I do
20:29
Speaker 1: know is that I have something to offer to the world.
20:32
Speaker 1: And if I can figure out what skills I need
20:34
Speaker 1: to be able to pair with my expertise, then there's
20:37
Speaker 1: a path forward.
20:39
Speaker 3: Ladies.
20:40
Speaker 2: I want you to listen to that, because that is
20:43
Speaker 2: my story too, And I thought that I could do
20:46
Speaker 2: it on my own, and I tried to do it
20:48
Speaker 2: on my own. But it's so important to recognize the
20:52
Speaker 2: things that you don't know how to do, and also
20:55
Speaker 2: to invest in yourself. It is so hard for us
21:00
Speaker 2: to think that we.
21:02
Speaker 3: Can spend money on ourselves and that's.
21:04
Speaker 2: Okay, But yet it's okay to spend money on another
21:08
Speaker 2: bag or another.
21:09
Speaker 3: Pair of shoes, and yeah, that makes you.
21:11
Speaker 2: Feel good, but really there's no growth from that, so
21:15
Speaker 2: it's not long term.
21:17
Speaker 3: It's an initial fix.
21:19
Speaker 2: So just think about it that way and just think
21:22
Speaker 2: about the next time you want to go shopping, maybe
21:26
Speaker 2: put that money to the side and think about how
21:28
Speaker 2: can I grow and how can that's going to be
21:32
Speaker 2: the reward for you and at our age now and
21:36
Speaker 2: if we are reinventing ourselves, it's so important because.
21:40
Speaker 3: There's so much for us.
21:41
Speaker 2: There's so much change, and there's so much for us
21:43
Speaker 2: to learn, and it's okay, and I love what you say.
21:47
Speaker 2: Like the other thing that I believe and something I
21:50
Speaker 2: learned way back when, is that you don't want to
21:54
Speaker 2: be just the cog and the will right.
21:56
Speaker 3: You want to know how the whole wheel works and
21:59
Speaker 3: have insight.
22:01
Speaker 2: You don't have to do everything, but just have insight
22:04
Speaker 2: and understanding how things work together so you can grow.
22:09
Speaker 2: So tell us about how now you are helping others
22:13
Speaker 2: to do that.
22:14
Speaker 1: So you know, it's interesting because I found that I
22:18
Speaker 1: was in a room with people a decade plus younger
22:20
Speaker 1: than I was, because they have the skills and the
22:22
Speaker 1: knowledge and the expertise. And what I also found was
22:28
Speaker 1: as much as they were giving me, I had as
22:29
Speaker 1: much to give back to them. Yes, because I had
22:32
Speaker 1: been there, I had done it, I had seen it all,
22:34
Speaker 1: you know, heard the screenplay, watched the movie, et cetera.
22:37
Speaker 1: And it really became a matter of, initially, how can
22:41
Speaker 1: I monetize my expertise in a way that helps others
22:45
Speaker 1: like them. So helps the female small business owner who
22:50
Speaker 1: had the ability to solve a problem, how to widget,
22:54
Speaker 1: you know, how to build a better mouse trap, like,
22:56
Speaker 1: how can I get into those spaces and really just
22:58
Speaker 1: give them what I understand is pragmatic business expertise as
23:01
Speaker 1: a chief operating officer and really help them. And so
23:05
Speaker 1: that's where I started, was they were able to identify
23:08
Speaker 1: and me the things that I knew how to do
23:10
Speaker 1: that they didn't. And they did that by literally every
23:12
Speaker 1: time we would be in a forum and somebody who
23:14
Speaker 1: asked me a question, all of a sudden, I see
23:15
Speaker 1: three phones come out and they would start, you know,
23:17
Speaker 1: recording me. So these women are wandering around by with
23:19
Speaker 1: hours of voice notes of me at this point to
23:22
Speaker 1: listen to. I was writing business plans on the back
23:24
Speaker 1: of a napkin while we were at a conference. And
23:28
Speaker 1: so I learned through one of those women how to
23:30
Speaker 1: run paid advertising, and I said, I'm gonna boil what
23:35
Speaker 1: a fractional COO is down to just the basics, you know.
23:39
Speaker 1: And I got very specific around the problems that we
23:42
Speaker 1: could solve, I could solve in a business, and I
23:45
Speaker 1: went to market with that. And what I found was
23:49
Speaker 1: relatively quickly two things. One, there was a lot of demand,
23:54
Speaker 1: so that was great. I only ever wanted to make
23:57
Speaker 1: enough money so that we could live. That was the goal.
23:59
Speaker 1: Be a soul, can newer, you know, single shingle and
24:01
Speaker 1: et cetera. And about six months in two things happen simultaneously.
24:06
Speaker 1: Demand exceeded my ability to fulfill.
24:09
Speaker 3: Wow.
24:10
Speaker 1: And I had all of these phenomenal women sending me
24:14
Speaker 1: emails saying, I want to be an on call COEO.
24:17
Speaker 1: That's the name of my company. And I'm like, that's
24:19
Speaker 1: not a thing, it doesn't exist.
24:22
Speaker 3: It's me.
24:23
Speaker 1: There is no There is no that. And when I
24:28
Speaker 1: got to the place where I'd over committed myself from
24:31
Speaker 1: a demand perspective, and I'm like, oh, I really can't
24:34
Speaker 1: do work this much. That's actually not possible, with not
24:37
Speaker 1: possible and all the things I started adding to the team,
24:40
Speaker 1: and I'm like, let's just experiment. This could be an
24:42
Speaker 1: absolute mess and then we'll pull it back. And I
24:44
Speaker 1: know how much I can can I can hold myself.
24:46
Speaker 1: And so in the spring of twenty twenty five, that's
24:51
Speaker 1: what I did. I started adding people to the team.
24:53
Speaker 1: And now we're a team of.
24:54
Speaker 2: Seventeen amazing, amazing, and it is so important for all
25:01
Speaker 2: of us to to recognize we don't have to do
25:05
Speaker 2: it all of our on our own, and there is
25:08
Speaker 2: help out there, and it's it's not out of reach,
25:12
Speaker 2: the help that.
25:13
Speaker 3: You know, creating a team.
25:15
Speaker 2: And I was just watching a video that a little
25:19
Speaker 2: short that you put on LinkedIn, and it actually really
25:22
Speaker 2: resonated with me about doing the emails, all the little
25:27
Speaker 2: tasks that I'm constantly doing. Yeah, that doesn't allow me
25:32
Speaker 2: to do the bigger projects and and put my efforts
25:36
Speaker 2: into other places. And those are areas that I could
25:41
Speaker 2: I could use more help in, and I do have
25:44
Speaker 2: people that could do it, you know.
25:46
Speaker 1: It's just yeah, yeah, I think that often those of
25:52
Speaker 1: us that are in the successful in the business space,
25:54
Speaker 1: I even think that that homemakers that you know have
25:57
Speaker 1: a well oiled, you know, running machine. Also because I
26:01
Speaker 1: could never do that. So I'm always in awe of
26:02
Speaker 1: these women that can do those things. We are powered
26:07
Speaker 1: by the ability to see that we are getting stuff
26:10
Speaker 1: done by productivity. And sometimes it is so much easier
26:15
Speaker 1: to count how many emails we sent, how many things
26:17
Speaker 1: we put on our calendar, how many tasks we got
26:19
Speaker 1: off the task list, then to sit down and say, okay,
26:22
Speaker 1: so the hard thing is that I really need to
26:24
Speaker 1: look at the entire model itself and figure out where
26:27
Speaker 1: it's broken and where I can start. You know what
26:29
Speaker 1: my growth lovers are, and like I need to sit
26:31
Speaker 1: and think for three hours and like figure this out.
26:34
Speaker 1: And so we will distract ourselves by the easy things
26:37
Speaker 1: because we're feeling productive. But where the true growth, whether
26:42
Speaker 1: it's you, of a human or of a business comes
26:44
Speaker 1: is from that like actual dedicated big thinking time. And so,
26:49
Speaker 1: you know, my business part of what we do is
26:52
Speaker 1: we either help you do that big thinking because we
26:55
Speaker 1: know how to do it, and we know what blind
26:57
Speaker 1: spots you're going to have and what lies you're going
26:59
Speaker 1: to tell your self and how you're going to get
27:02
Speaker 1: yourself into situations that are unfortunately not the right ones.
27:06
Speaker 1: But we can also bring in people to get those
27:08
Speaker 1: tasks done, or help find people to get the tasks done,
27:12
Speaker 1: so that you eliminate the distraction, because if you give
27:14
Speaker 1: that work to somebody else permanently, you don't get to
27:16
Speaker 1: pick it up anymore and start doing it yourself.
27:19
Speaker 2: Again, I think there's a lot of fear of failure,
27:23
Speaker 2: right to put yourself out there to.
27:25
Speaker 3: Do the big thing.
27:27
Speaker 2: And then I also think that there's a lot of control.
27:32
Speaker 2: There's a fear of letting go of control that I
27:35
Speaker 2: know what I need, I know what you know the
27:37
Speaker 2: answers to these things, and nobody else can do it.
27:40
Speaker 2: And I am definitely guilty of that. So how can
27:44
Speaker 2: we overcome that?
27:46
Speaker 1: I So it's interesting because I said to somebody the
27:51
Speaker 1: other day that the one thing that sends me into
27:53
Speaker 1: a panic is a bunch of white space on my calendar.
27:59
Speaker 1: Because as soon as my calendar looks empty, I question
28:03
Speaker 1: my existence and being. And I can run and look
28:05
Speaker 1: at the bank account. I can look at our you know,
28:08
Speaker 1: accounts receivable. I can look at how many contracts are
28:10
Speaker 1: and playing we are fine. There's plenty of money there
28:12
Speaker 1: are sales calls that are coming in and on the
28:14
Speaker 1: calendar and all the things. But as somebody that is
28:19
Speaker 1: used to making the business move forward, I'm really having
28:23
Speaker 1: to rewire my brain to say, that's your time.
28:27
Speaker 3: To grow the thing.
28:29
Speaker 1: That's your time to go out into the world and
28:32
Speaker 1: attend a networking event or a conference or you know,
28:36
Speaker 1: write content or whatever it might be. Like I've really
28:40
Speaker 1: and it's something I'm actively coaching myself on, yeh, but like,
28:43
Speaker 1: this is the opportunity that you were looking for so
28:46
Speaker 1: that you can grow to the next level. And so
28:49
Speaker 1: I think often we create these false markers for ourselves
28:53
Speaker 1: of what productivity and success looks like. If I am overscheduled,
28:56
Speaker 1: if I am incredibly busy, if I'm not sleeping enough,
28:59
Speaker 1: if my phone is bringing off the hook, if I
29:01
Speaker 1: am forgetting to do things because my list is so
29:03
Speaker 1: long I can't hold it in my brain anymore, I'm winning.
29:07
Speaker 1: And the reality is that that's the opposite of winning. Yeah,
29:11
Speaker 1: you know. And so I think we really have to
29:14
Speaker 1: either find an external coach or find a way to
29:16
Speaker 1: do it to yourself, but really start to rewire those
29:19
Speaker 1: lies that we were telling ourselves about what success looks like.
29:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's one of the things I've done, rewire
29:27
Speaker 2: my brain from my healing journey. And it's those little steps.
29:33
Speaker 2: You know, it's not something that's going to happen overnight.
29:36
Speaker 2: I mean, we have these habits that are ingrained the
29:41
Speaker 2: muscle memory, and so we've got to change those very slowly.
29:46
Speaker 2: So give yourself grace. It doesn't happen overnight, and that's okay.
29:51
Speaker 2: So let's talk about somebody that's out there, woman that
29:54
Speaker 2: she is struggling or something she doesn't know what's next.
29:59
Speaker 2: And self discovery, how we can connect with ourselves and
30:06
Speaker 2: really understand what is that next chapter for ourselves and
30:11
Speaker 2: maybe this next chapter, like maybe it's our happiest chapter,
30:15
Speaker 2: but we're too afraid to like jump in.
30:18
Speaker 1: So one of the things that I did years before
30:23
Speaker 1: my life turned upside down and I had to reinvent
30:26
Speaker 1: myselves is I started these small journaling practices. And I
30:32
Speaker 1: kept hearing everybody, you know, say you should journal, you
30:34
Speaker 1: should journal, and I'm like, uh, you know, that's it's
30:37
Speaker 1: in my household. It was a little risky writing stuff
30:38
Speaker 1: down because you know, like somebody could find it and
30:40
Speaker 1: then it would be a problem. And but I started
30:43
Speaker 1: with a gratitude journal initially, and then I read a
30:48
Speaker 1: variety of books that had different guidance around journaling practices,
30:52
Speaker 1: and so I kind of cherry picked a bunch of
30:54
Speaker 1: things and what I started to do was on a
30:57
Speaker 1: daily basis, you know, write one off that I've been
31:00
Speaker 1: writing for now the last four years around what my
31:04
Speaker 1: life looks like. So it has nothing to do with
31:06
Speaker 1: like a financial goal or the house someone to live
31:09
Speaker 1: in or any of that. It's just really what is
31:11
Speaker 1: my life look like at the person I am and
31:12
Speaker 1: who I am, And then I spend time thinking about
31:17
Speaker 1: where I want to go right And as I go
31:20
Speaker 1: through that journaling practice, it's really helped me clear my brain.
31:24
Speaker 1: So some days I just do stream of consciousness, what's
31:27
Speaker 1: everything that's driving me crazy and get it out on
31:29
Speaker 1: paper so that it's out of here and on the page.
31:32
Speaker 1: But I found that just those quiet moments every day
31:36
Speaker 1: where I could refocus around what's most important to me,
31:41
Speaker 1: What do I want my legacy to be, what I
31:43
Speaker 1: want my life to be at the end of it.
31:45
Speaker 1: And this is not an activity where you have all
31:47
Speaker 1: of the answers. This is an activity where you get
31:50
Speaker 1: to just dream a little bit. And I found that
31:54
Speaker 1: as soon as I got clarity around the dream and
31:58
Speaker 1: what those components saw, it helped me as I went
32:02
Speaker 1: through throughout the rest of my day to just start
32:04
Speaker 1: making decisions. And it became really easy to see, that's
32:09
Speaker 1: not a line to the life that I want, you know,
32:13
Speaker 1: like that that doesn't feel centered and correct anymore. It
32:16
Speaker 1: was actually the it was. It started providing me the
32:18
Speaker 1: ability to make some decisions about where my energy went
32:22
Speaker 1: and my time went, and my money and all of
32:24
Speaker 1: those things. And so my biggest recommendation to anybody is
32:27
Speaker 1: to just get really really clear on what you're working towards,
32:31
Speaker 1: and by that I mean your life.
32:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, what do you want that to be?
32:35
Speaker 1: Because you only have so many days, so that faster
32:39
Speaker 1: you can get an idea of what you want that
32:41
Speaker 1: to be, the faster you can start moving towards it.
32:44
Speaker 3: And just always remembering your why why you're doing it.
32:49
Speaker 3: And yeah, my.
32:50
Speaker 2: First book is about chaos to clarity, And I always
32:53
Speaker 2: say that that that trauma, that addiction, that life is
32:59
Speaker 2: chaos us and even like the hamster wheel like you're
33:03
Speaker 2: talking about, like that's just a way not to face
33:08
Speaker 2: any of the stuff that is you're trying to push
33:13
Speaker 2: down and mask, right, because I wore that mask.
33:16
Speaker 3: For a lot of years.
33:18
Speaker 2: And it's when you make that decision to surrender and
33:23
Speaker 2: get quiet and do the practices that you're talking about,
33:28
Speaker 2: that that clarity begins to come. And it was interesting.
33:34
Speaker 2: I was asked the other day, is quiet and peace
33:37
Speaker 2: the same thing? No, because in quietness you can feel
33:41
Speaker 2: like your skin's going to crawl, or you can feel
33:45
Speaker 2: joy and strength and peace in that time, and that's
33:51
Speaker 2: when you really that quiet time is productive time.
33:57
Speaker 3: Right, and you invite that to your day. For me,
34:02
Speaker 3: it's daily, I.
34:03
Speaker 2: Have to have it. It is a reset for me
34:07
Speaker 2: and my brain. I don't know if that is the
34:12
Speaker 2: same for you, but that hamster wheel I no longer need.
34:16
Speaker 2: I need that quiet time to reboot and allow.
34:23
Speaker 3: Allowed just the download to happen.
34:26
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think what's been an interesting shift to me
34:30
Speaker 1: is that I always worked out very early in the morning,
34:35
Speaker 1: and what I didn't realize at the time was that
34:37
Speaker 1: was me regulating my nervous system so that I could
34:42
Speaker 1: fight through the rest of the day. Yeah, And so
34:46
Speaker 1: that was the only time that nobody needed anything from me.
34:48
Speaker 1: And I was relatively like physically and emotionally safe and
34:51
Speaker 1: all the things. And I'm still I'm an early raiser,
34:54
Speaker 1: but my morning's now to your point or where I
34:58
Speaker 1: get centered and clear, I don't have that need to
35:02
Speaker 1: you know, flush all the cortisol and like really get
35:05
Speaker 1: myself stealed and ready to like fight through the day.
35:08
Speaker 1: And instead now I have the opportunity to sit still
35:12
Speaker 1: and be clear around how I'm going to show up
35:16
Speaker 1: for the day and getting centered like that every day,
35:20
Speaker 1: seven days a week, so it's not a Monday through
35:22
Speaker 1: Friday situation. I need it probably much more on the
35:25
Speaker 1: weekends when it's just me and the kids that I'm
35:26
Speaker 1: not fighting for my life, but it just allows me
35:30
Speaker 1: to have those moments of peace and clarity so that
35:33
Speaker 1: as I move through the rest of the day, there's
35:36
Speaker 1: that grounding exercise and that centered And what I also
35:40
Speaker 1: know too, is that sometimes the day does what it
35:42
Speaker 1: does days, you know, get out of control, and so
35:45
Speaker 1: then I carve out fifteen or twenty minutes where it's
35:48
Speaker 1: me and a walk and silence and the birds or
35:52
Speaker 1: whatever is out there, just to kind of get back
35:55
Speaker 1: to that place that I set in the morning.
35:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and the gratitude practice changed my life. And
36:03
Speaker 2: there's all kinds of practices that we can introduce in
36:06
Speaker 2: our lives. And I'm going to just take one quick
36:10
Speaker 2: break on that note. And this is for the women
36:14
Speaker 2: out there that are negatively coping and are ready to
36:20
Speaker 2: get back to themselves.
36:21
Speaker 3: So we'll be right back.
36:24
Speaker 2: Are you in the first thirty days of sobriety or
36:27
Speaker 2: wondering if now is your time to start? Hi?
36:30
Speaker 3: I'm Marcy Hopkins and I wrote wake Up You're Not
36:33
Speaker 3: Broken just for you. It's a real.
36:35
Speaker 2: Raw guide to those first thirty days, what no one
36:38
Speaker 2: tells you, what you will feel, and how to keep going.
36:42
Speaker 2: This isn't about perfection, it's about progress. Or to your
36:46
Speaker 2: copy now on Amazon. Remember You're not alone, You're not broken,
36:52
Speaker 2: You're waking up. Welcome back, Melissa. What an incredible conversation
36:58
Speaker 2: that we've been having. And it's so this conversation has
37:03
Speaker 2: been so insightful, and I think that so many of
37:06
Speaker 2: us can resonate and connect and learn. So just tell
37:11
Speaker 2: us more about how the company you own, how it's helping,
37:15
Speaker 2: and how we can connect with you.
37:18
Speaker 1: Sure, So on call COO is a fractional chief operating
37:23
Speaker 1: officer staffing agency as well as OPS manager placement agency.
37:27
Speaker 1: So what does that mean Because it's a bunch of gobblybook.
37:30
Speaker 1: So we provide strategic operations leadership inside of small businesses
37:35
Speaker 1: and if we need a helper to come with us
37:36
Speaker 1: to do stuff and get stuff done, that's where the
37:38
Speaker 1: operations manager comes in. We found that often the executive
37:43
Speaker 1: leader knows exactly what needs to happen and it's just
37:46
Speaker 1: cheaper to have a sidekick to do it. And we
37:50
Speaker 1: work for and with founders that have businesses that range
37:55
Speaker 1: from three million on ups. So we've even worked with
37:57
Speaker 1: one hundred million dollar company in the past. Across every
38:00
Speaker 1: industry you name it, we have touched it. I was
38:03
Speaker 1: not able to say that until we hit manufacturing and
38:06
Speaker 1: energy last year and now I'm like, okay, apparently we
38:09
Speaker 1: can do it all around here. And we do help
38:12
Speaker 1: businesses blow the three million dollar mark as well. So
38:14
Speaker 1: it's not like there's there's not solutions. It's just that
38:18
Speaker 1: getting a fractional executive inside of your business that's there,
38:21
Speaker 1: you know, part time, but invested in your business, that's
38:25
Speaker 1: you really want them. When you've goten to a place
38:28
Speaker 1: where you know what you're selling, you know who you're
38:29
Speaker 1: selling it to, and you've been over and over and
38:30
Speaker 1: over again and you've shown that that model really.
38:33
Speaker 3: Works for you.
38:34
Speaker 1: And before that, what we do is we provide strategic
38:36
Speaker 1: guidance and support to help you get to that stage.
38:41
Speaker 1: The best way to connect with us is to go
38:43
Speaker 1: to my website, which is Melissa Franks dot com and
38:46
Speaker 1: we offer free consultation call. So the good news is
38:49
Speaker 1: you can get on a call with a seasoned executive.
38:53
Speaker 1: You get thirty minutes of you know, free advice. So
38:55
Speaker 1: come in with your problems, lay it all on the line,
38:57
Speaker 1: and you'll walk away with at least a few solutions
39:00
Speaker 1: and answers. And if we think that we can help
39:02
Speaker 1: you in the long term, we'll let you know how
39:04
Speaker 1: you can do that.
39:05
Speaker 2: Amazing, amazing, Melissa, And thank you for your advocacy around
39:12
Speaker 2: physical abuse and women that are abused and we just
39:17
Speaker 2: it's so needed for us to get educated and bring
39:21
Speaker 2: awareness and help others. And thank you for the work
39:25
Speaker 2: that you're doing to help everyone out there in this
39:28
Speaker 2: corporate world.
39:29
Speaker 3: And you know, actually it's.
39:32
Speaker 2: Business owners, right, but they're creating corporate world. You know,
39:35
Speaker 2: they're creating their own corporate businesses, right, so corporations. So
39:40
Speaker 2: thank you again again Melissa for coming on Wake Up
39:43
Speaker 2: with Marcy and helping us to wake up to our
39:46
Speaker 2: best selves.
39:47
Speaker 1: Thank you. It was great to be here.
39:50
Speaker 3: All right, Melissa.
39:51
Speaker 2: Thank you all so much for listening and being here
39:54
Speaker 2: with us today. And please reach out to Melissa and
39:59
Speaker 2: just remember that you are not broken, you are becoming,
40:03
Speaker 2: and that your past does not define you and it
40:06
Speaker 2: is time to wake up to your worth and join
40:10
Speaker 2: me next Thursday with an all new episode, and wishing
40:14
Speaker 2: you the most amazing week and I'll see you soon.
40:17
Speaker 3: Bye,