Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Being Gay is Lowkey Mid | Jared Goldstein | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

Being Gay is Lowkey Mid | Jared Goldstein | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today a teenager told me that my hair is giving Far Quad.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: So guess I'm like a king.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: I uh I'm I'm used to that kind of stuff.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like one time I was walking down the street with a friend of mine uh who's also gay when this guy driving by yells fag, and my friend goes, Oh my god, that guy just called you a fag.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I feel like he was talking to you.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: And that is how a straight guy got two gay guys to call each other fag.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Get out.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Crazy thing to high five.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh when I was in high school, I was closeted, and my prom date, she was Muslim, so she was like, hey, just so you know, when we meet my parents, we have to act like nothing is gonna happen here tonight.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, okay, uh also when we meet mine, we have to act like something is gonna happen here tonight.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Two liars.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um I posted that joke online, but in the clip I mispronounced Muslim.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: I said Muslim, and people were like making fun of me in the comments, but whatever, jokes on them, because she was Hindu and I forgot.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Not so smart now, huh?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: I am a gunkle.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I love being a gunkle.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I recently got to bring my five-year-old niece to a drag story time.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, and I found out that she is Republican.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: She cried the whole time.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I am single.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: That'll fix it.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's tough.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's tough out here, right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the other night I was at a bar, uh and this guy he comes right up to me and he goes, Hey, what race are you?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, ask me a different question.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, fine, what are you reading?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, so I am half Asian.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Outsmarted again.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: What do you guys think about Asian fetish?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: We'll go one by one.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, okay, I'll go first.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm actually for it.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm for it.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever a white guy fetishizes me, I'm like, great, I'm gonna do it right back to you.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: I am all about the Midwest.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Columbus, Ohio is my Thailand.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm having a freaky little time.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm at a top golf alone.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Being gay is rotting my brain, as you are all witness to.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: It really is.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: The other day I saw this couple, a twink and a daddy, classic.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Turns out just a father and son.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Get me to church.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's see.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Clap if you're a bottom.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds like we have a hundred tops in the building.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Lock the door.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Best night of my life.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: No, honestly, like, I don't really like the terms top and bottom.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think that they are divisive, as we just saw.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I've got a better idea.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, don't call me the bottom.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: What if instead you call me the front?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: You're seeing it, right?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that better?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I like that.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the front.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am the front, and then this guy, whatever, he's just the back.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Big deal.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sick of him.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Get in the back, alright?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Go, get in the back.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: If we took a picture right now in portrait mode, you'd be blurry.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that will be the Christmas card.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, cool.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: In review, if I'm the front, he is wrong.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: He's the middle, guy behind him.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Stay on your toes.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, next question.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Who here has peed in the ocean?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, all of you.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Very cool.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: I aspire to do that, to be you guys.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can't, I can't do it.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: I've tried.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm too shy.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: I can't pee in the ocean.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: So after I shit, I just hold it.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I told that joke a couple weeks ago, and this guy in the crowd yells out, shark sugar.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so now we've all heard that.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently, blood in the water, not the only thing that can attract a shark.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: He told me that.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, is that for real?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, well, did a shark show up?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I have never shit in the ocean.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: That was a joke.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: None of this is true, okay?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even gay.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: My wife is here.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Honey, start the car.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: No, but I'm like pretty straight.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: I just saw Dave Matthews band.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was excited because they meant a lot to me when I was in high school.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: But now they're like a jam band.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And seeing a jam band live is fun because you get to see your favorite band play none of their songs.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: They're not playing them.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: An hour into the concert, not one hit was played.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: 30 minutes after that, they finish playing a song they just made up.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then Dave stops the show and he's like, I just want to say that I am against this White House and I'm against corporate greed and I'm against war.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: And everyone's like, Yaa.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, are you against playing Crash Into Me?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: We paid for parking.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I don't care about sports, but I think you guys knew.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I I live in LA.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: I've lived there for over 10 years now.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: And in that time, I've been to Dodgers Stadium twice.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: It was for the vaccine.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Thought it was a hospital.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: The other day I saw a guy in a Dodgers jacket, and I was like, doctor.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: But I went back recently for the first time for a game and I saw something really interesting.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: There was a guy sitting near me on his phone watching a football game.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he's at a baseball game and he's watching a football game.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I started to think, I was like, you know, I bet that there is a guy at that football game on his phone watching this baseball game.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And if these two guys could meet, maybe they would kiss.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then I thought about that for half an hour, and the game still wasn't over.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And now I would like to leave you guys with a little impression.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Do you guys like impressions?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, cool.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is me getting into the back of a cop car.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Hi for jail.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Allie Wong.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.