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041 - Book Six Chapter Two · Brothers Karamazov

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Speaker 1: Chapter forty one of the Brothers Karamatzov by Fyodor Dostayevsky,
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Speaker 1: translated by Constance Garnet. This librevox recording is in the
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Speaker 1: public domain recording by Tony Addison, Chapter two, The Duel,
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Speaker 1: Part one see Recollections of Father Zossima's youth before he
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Speaker 1: became a monk, The Duel. I spent a long time,
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Speaker 1: almost eight years in the military cadet school at Petersburg,
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Speaker 1: and in the novelty of my surroundings, the many of
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Speaker 1: my childish impressions grew dimmer. Though I forgot nothing, I
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Speaker 1: picked up so many new habits and opinions that I
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Speaker 1: was transformed into a cruel, absurd, almost savage creature. A
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Speaker 1: surface polish of courtesy and society manners I did acquire,
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Speaker 1: together with the French language. But we, all myself included,
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Speaker 1: looked upon the soldiers in our service as cattle. I
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Speaker 1: was perhaps worse than the rest in that respect, for
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Speaker 1: I was so much more impressionable than my companions. By
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Speaker 1: the time we left the school as officers, we were
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Speaker 1: ready to lay down our lives for the honor of
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Speaker 1: the regiment. But no one of us had any knowledge
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Speaker 1: of the real meaning of honor, and if any one
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Speaker 1: had known it, he would have been the first to
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Speaker 1: ridicule it. Drunkenness, debauchery, and devilry were what we almost
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Speaker 1: prided ourselves on. I don't say that we were bad
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Speaker 1: by nature. All those young men were good fellows, but
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Speaker 1: they behaved badly, and I worst of all. What made
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Speaker 1: it worse for me was that I had come into
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Speaker 1: my own money, and so I flung myself into a
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Speaker 1: life of pleasure and plunged headlong into all the recklessness
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Speaker 1: of youth. I was fond of reading, yet strange to say,
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Speaker 1: the Bible was the one book I never opened at
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Speaker 1: that time, though I always carried it about with me,
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Speaker 1: and I was never separated from it. In very truth,
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Speaker 1: I was keeping that book for the day and the hour,
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Speaker 1: were the month and the year, though I knew it not.
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Speaker 1: After four years of this life, I chanced to be
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Speaker 1: in the town of k where our regiment was stationed
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Speaker 1: at the time. We found the people of the town hospitable,
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Speaker 1: rich and fond of entertainments. I met with a cordial
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Speaker 1: reception everywhere, as I was of a lively temperament and
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Speaker 1: was known to be well off, which always goes a
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Speaker 1: long way in the world. And then a circumstance happened
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Speaker 1: which was the beginning of it all. I formed an
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Speaker 1: attachment to a beautiful and intelligent young girl, of noble
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Speaker 1: and lofty character, the daughter of people much respected. They
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Speaker 1: were well to do, people of influence and position. They
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Speaker 1: always gave me a cordial and friendly reception. I fancied
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Speaker 1: that the young lady looked on me with favor, and
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Speaker 1: my heart was a flaim at such an idea. Later
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Speaker 1: on I saw and fully realized that I perhaps was
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Speaker 1: not so passionately in love with her at all, but
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Speaker 1: only recognized the elevation of her mind and character, which
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Speaker 1: I could not, indeed have helped doing. I was prevented, however,
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Speaker 1: from making her an opper at the time by my selfishness.
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Speaker 1: I was loath to part with the allurements of my
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Speaker 1: free and licentious bachelor life in the heyday of my youth,
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Speaker 1: and with my pockets full of money. I did drop
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Speaker 1: some hint as to my feelings. However, though I put
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Speaker 1: off taking any decisive step for a time. Then all
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Speaker 1: of a sudden we were ordered off for two months
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Speaker 1: to another district. On my return two months later, I
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Speaker 1: found the young lady already married to a rich neighboring landowner,
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Speaker 1: A very amiable man, still young, though older than I,
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Speaker 1: was connected with the best Petersburg society, which I was not,
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Speaker 1: and of excellent education, which I also was not. I
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Speaker 1: was so overwhelmed at this unexpected circumstance that my mind
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Speaker 1: was positively clad in the worst of it all was that,
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Speaker 1: as I learned them, the young landowner had been a
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Speaker 1: long while betrothed to her, and I had met him,
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Speaker 1: indeed many times in her house, but blinded by my conceit,
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Speaker 1: I had noticed nothing, and this particularly mortified me. Almost
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Speaker 1: everybody had known all about it while I knew nothing.
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Speaker 1: I was filled with sudden, irrepressible fury. With flushed face,
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Speaker 1: I began recalling how often I had been on the
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Speaker 1: point of declaring my love to her, and as she
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Speaker 1: had not attempted to stop me or to warn me,
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Speaker 1: she must, I concluded, have been laughing at me all
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Speaker 1: the time. Later on, of course, I reflected and remembered
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Speaker 1: that she had been very far from laughing at me.
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Speaker 1: On the contrary, she used to turn off any love
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Speaker 1: making on my part with a jest and begin talking
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Speaker 1: of other subjects, but at that moment I was incapable
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Speaker 1: of reflecting and was all eagerness for revenge. I am
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Speaker 1: surprised to remember that my rough and revengeful feelings were
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Speaker 1: extremely repugnant to my own nature. For being of an
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Speaker 1: easy temper, I found it difficult to be angry with
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Speaker 1: any one for long, and so I had to work
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Speaker 1: myself up artificially and became at last revolting and absurd.
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Speaker 1: I waited for an opportunity and succeeded in insulting my
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Speaker 1: rival in the presence of a large company. I insulted
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Speaker 1: him on a perfectly extraneous pretext, jeering at his opinion
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Speaker 1: upon an important public event. It was in the year
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Speaker 1: eighteen twenty six, and my jeer was so people said,
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Speaker 1: clever and defected. Then I forced him to ask for
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Speaker 1: an explanation and behaved so rudely that he accepted my
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Speaker 1: challenge in spite of the vast inequality between us, as
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Speaker 1: I was younger, a person of no consequence and of
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Speaker 1: inferior rank. I learned afterwards for a fact that it
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Speaker 1: was from a jealous feeling on his side, also that
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Speaker 1: my challenge was accepted. He had been rather jealous of
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Speaker 1: me on his wife's account before their marriage. He fancied
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Speaker 1: now that it be submitted to be insulted by me,
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Speaker 1: and refused to accept my challenge. And if she heard
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Speaker 1: of it, she might begin to despise him and waver
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Speaker 1: in her love for him. I soon found a second
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Speaker 1: in a comrade, an ensign of our regiment. In those days,
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Speaker 1: though jewels were severely punished, yet dueling was a kind
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Speaker 1: of fashion among the officers. So strong and deeply rooted
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Speaker 1: will a brutal prejudice sometimes be. It was the end
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Speaker 1: of June and our meeting to take place at seven
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Speaker 1: o'clock the next day on the outskirts of the town.
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Speaker 1: And then something happened that, in very truth was the
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Speaker 1: turning point of my life. In the evening, returning home
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Speaker 1: in a savage and brutal humor, I flew into a
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Speaker 1: rage with my orderly Afarnazi and gave him two blows
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Speaker 1: in the face with all my might, so that it
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Speaker 1: was covered with blood. He had not long been in
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Speaker 1: my service, and I had struck him before, but never
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Speaker 1: with such ferocious cruelty. And believe me, though it's forty
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Speaker 1: years ago, I recall it now with shame and pain.
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Speaker 1: I went to bed and slept for about three hours.
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Speaker 1: When I waked up, the day was breaking. I got up.
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Speaker 1: I did not want to sleep any more. I went
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Speaker 1: to the window open it looked out upon the garden.
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Speaker 1: I saw the sun rising. It was warm and beautiful.
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Speaker 1: The birds were singing. What's the meaning of it? I thought,
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Speaker 1: I feel in my heart, as it were, something vile
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Speaker 1: and shameful. Is it because I am going to shed blood? No,
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Speaker 1: I thought, I feel, it's not that. Can it be
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Speaker 1: that I am afraid of death, afraid of being killed? No,
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Speaker 1: that's not it. That's not it at all, And all
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Speaker 1: at once I knew what it was. It was because
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Speaker 1: I had beaten Apar Nazi the evening before. It all
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Speaker 1: rose before my mind. It all was as it were
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Speaker 1: repeated over again. He stood before me, and I was
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Speaker 1: beating him straight on the face, and he was holding
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Speaker 1: his arms stiffly down, his head erect, his eyes fixed
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Speaker 1: upon me as though on parade. He staggered at every
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Speaker 1: blow and did not even dare to raise his hands
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Speaker 1: to protect himself. That is what a man has been
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Speaker 1: brought to. And that was a man beating a fellow creature.
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Speaker 1: What a crime? It was, as though a sharp dagger
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Speaker 1: had pierced me right through. I stood as if I
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Speaker 1: were struck dumb. While the sun was shining, the leaves
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Speaker 1: were rejoicing, and the birds were trilling the praise of God.
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Speaker 1: I hid my face in my hands, fell on my bed,
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Speaker 1: and broke into a storm of tears. And then I
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Speaker 1: remembered my brother Markel and what he said on his
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Speaker 1: death bed to his servants. My dear ones, why do
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Speaker 1: you wait on me? Why do you love me? Am
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Speaker 1: I worth your waiting on me? Yes? Am I worth?
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Speaker 1: It flashed through my mind. After all, what am I
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Speaker 1: worth that another man, a fellow creature, made in the
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Speaker 1: likeness and image of God, should serve me? For the
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Speaker 1: first time in my life, this question forced itself upon me,
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Speaker 1: he had said, mother, my little heart. In truth, we
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Speaker 1: are each responsible to all for all. It's only that
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Speaker 1: men don't know this. If they knew it, the world
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Speaker 1: would be a paradise at once. God, can that too
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Speaker 1: be false? I thought, as I wept in truth, Perhaps
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Speaker 1: I am more than all others, responsible for all, a
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Speaker 1: greater sinner than all men in the world, and all
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Speaker 1: at once the whole truth in its full light appeared
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Speaker 1: to me. What was I going to do? I was
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Speaker 1: going to kill a good, clever, noble man who had
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Speaker 1: done me no wrong, and by depriving his wife of
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Speaker 1: happiness for the rest of her life, I should be
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Speaker 1: torturing and killing her too. I lay thus in my
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Speaker 1: bed with my face in the pillow, heedless, how the
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Speaker 1: time was passing. Suddenly my second the ensign, came in
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Speaker 1: with the pistols to fetch me. Ah said he it's
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Speaker 1: a good thing, you're up already. It's time we were off.
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Speaker 1: Come along. I did not know what to do, and
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Speaker 1: hurried to and fro undecided. We went out to the carriage. However,
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Speaker 1: wait here a minute, I said to him, I'll be
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Speaker 1: back directly. I have forgotten my purse, and I ran
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Speaker 1: back alone to Afa Nazi's little room. Alf A Nazi,
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Speaker 1: I said, I gave you two blows on the face yesterday.
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Speaker 1: Forgive me, I said. He started as though he were frightened,
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Speaker 1: and looked at me, and I saw that it was
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Speaker 1: not enough, And on the spot, in my full officer's uniform,
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Speaker 1: I dropped at his feet and bowed my head to
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Speaker 1: the ground. Forgive me. I said. Then he was completely aghast.
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Speaker 1: Your honor, sir, what are you doing? Am I worth it?
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Speaker 1: And he burst out crying as I had done before,
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Speaker 1: hid his face in his hands, turned to the window,
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Speaker 1: and shook all over with his sobs. I flew out
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Speaker 1: to my comrade and jumped into the carriage. Ready, I cried,
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Speaker 1: Have you ever seen a conqueror? I asked him, here
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Speaker 1: is one before you. I was in ecstasy, laughing and
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Speaker 1: talking all the way. I don't remember what about. He
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Speaker 1: looked at me, well, brother, you're a plucky fellow. You'll
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Speaker 1: keep up the honor of the uniform, I can see.
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Speaker 1: So we reached the place and found them there waiting us.
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Speaker 1: We were placed twelve paces apart. He had the first shot.
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Speaker 1: I stood gaily, looking him full in the face. I
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Speaker 1: did not twitch an eyelash. I looked lovingly at him,
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Speaker 1: for I knew what I would do. His shot just
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Speaker 1: grazed my cheek, and dear, thank God, I cried, no
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Speaker 1: man has been killed. And I seized my pistol, turned
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Speaker 1: back and flung it far away into the wood. That's
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Speaker 1: the place for you, I cried. I turned to my adversary.
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Speaker 1: Forgive me, young fool that I am, sir, I said,
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Speaker 1: for my unprovoked insult to you, and for forcing you
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Speaker 1: to fire at me, I am ten times worse than
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Speaker 1: you and more. Maybe tell that to the person whom
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Speaker 1: you hold dearest in the world. They have no sooner
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Speaker 1: said this than they all three shouted at me upon
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Speaker 1: my word, cried my adversary, annoyed, if you did not
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Speaker 1: want to fight, why did not you let me alone? Yesterday?
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Speaker 1: I was a fool. To day I know better, I
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Speaker 1: answered him gaily. As to yesterday, I believe you. But
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Speaker 1: as for to day, it is difficult to agree with
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Speaker 1: your opinion, said he Brabo. I cried, clapping my hands.
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Speaker 1: I agree with you there too, I have deserved it.
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Speaker 1: Will you shoot, sir or not?
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Speaker 2: No?
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Speaker 1: I won't, I said, If you like, bar it me again,
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Speaker 1: but it would be better for you not to fire.
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Speaker 1: The seconds, especially mine, were shouting too. Can you disgrace
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Speaker 1: the regiment like this, facing your antagonist and begging his forgiveness?
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Speaker 1: If I'd only known this, I stood, facing them all,
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Speaker 1: not laughing. Now, gentlemen, I said, is it really so
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Speaker 1: wonderful in these days to find a man who can
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Speaker 1: repent of his stupidity and publicly confess his wrongdoing, but
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Speaker 1: not in a jow. Cried my second. Again, that's what's
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Speaker 1: so strange, I said, for I ought to have owned
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Speaker 1: my fault as soon as I got here, before he
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Speaker 1: had fired a shot, before leading him into a great
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Speaker 1: and deadly sin. But we have made our life so
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Speaker 1: grotesque that to act in that way would have been
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Speaker 1: almost impossible. For only after I have faced his shot
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Speaker 1: at the distance of twelve paces could my words have
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Speaker 1: any significance for him. And if I had spoken before,
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Speaker 1: he would have said he is a coward. The sight
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Speaker 1: of the pistols has frightened him. No use to listen
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Speaker 1: to him, gentlemen, I cried, suddenly, speaking straight from my heart.
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Speaker 1: Look around you at the gifts of God, the clear sky,
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Speaker 1: the pure air, the tender grass, the birds. Nature is
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Speaker 1: beautiful and sinless, and we only we are sinful and foolish,
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Speaker 1: and we don't understand that life is heaven. For we
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Speaker 1: have only to understand that, and it will at once
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Speaker 1: be fulfilled in all its beauty. We shall embrace each
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Speaker 1: other and we I would have said more, but I
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Speaker 1: could not. My voice broke with the sweetness and youthful
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Speaker 1: gladness of it, and there was such bliss in my
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Speaker 1: heart as I had never known before in my life.
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Speaker 1: All this is irrational and edifying, said my antagonist. And
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Speaker 1: in any case, you are an original person. You may laugh,
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Speaker 1: I said to him, laughing too, But afterward you will.
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Speaker 3: Approve of me.
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Speaker 1: Oh, I am ready to approve of you. Now, said he.
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Speaker 1: Will you shake hands, for I believe you are genuinely
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Speaker 1: since here, No, I said, not now. Later on, when
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Speaker 1: I have grown worthier and deserve your esteem, then shake hands,
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Speaker 1: and you will do well. We went home, my second
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Speaker 1: upbraiding me all the way while I kissed him. All
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Speaker 1: my comrades heard of the affair at once and gathered
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Speaker 1: together to pass judgment on me. The same day. He
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Speaker 1: has disgraced the uniform, they said, let him resign his commission.
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Speaker 1: Some stood up for me. He faced the shot, They said, yes,
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Speaker 1: but he was afraid of his other shot and begged
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Speaker 1: for forgiveness. If he had been afraid of being shot,
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Speaker 1: he would have shut his own pistol first before asking
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Speaker 1: forgiveness while he flung it loaded into the forest. No,
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Speaker 1: there's something else in this, something original. I enjoyed listening
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Speaker 1: and looking at them, my dear friends and comrades, said,
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Speaker 1: I don't worry about my resigning my commission, for I
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Speaker 1: have done so already. I have sent in my papers
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Speaker 1: this morning, and as soon as I get my discharge,
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Speaker 1: I shall go into a monastery. It's with that object
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Speaker 1: I am leaving the regiment. When I had said this,
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Speaker 1: every one of them burst out, laughing. You should have
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Speaker 1: told us of that first. That explains everything. We can't
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Speaker 1: judge a mine. They laughed and could not stop themselves,
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Speaker 1: and not scornfully, but kindly and merrily. They all fell
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Speaker 1: friendly to me at once, even those who had been
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Speaker 1: sternest in their censure. And all the following month before
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Speaker 1: my discharge came, they could not make enough of me. Ah,
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Speaker 1: you monk, they would say, and every one said something
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Speaker 1: kind to me. They began trying to dissuade me, even
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Speaker 1: to pity me. What are you doing to yourself? No,
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Speaker 1: they would say, he's a brave fellow. He faced fire
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Speaker 1: and could have fired his own pistol too, But he
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Speaker 1: had a dream the night before that he should become
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Speaker 1: a monk. That's why he did it. It was the
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Speaker 1: same thing with the society of the town. Till then
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Speaker 1: I had been kindly received, but had not been the
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Speaker 1: object of special attention, And now all came to know
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Speaker 1: me at once and invited me. They laughed at me,
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Speaker 1: but they loved me. I may mention that although everybody
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Speaker 1: talked openly of our duel, the authorities took no notice
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Speaker 1: of it, because my antagonist was a near relation of
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Speaker 1: our general, and as there had been no bloodshed and
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Speaker 1: no serious consequences, and as I resigned my commission, they
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Speaker 1: took it as a joke. And I began then to
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Speaker 1: speak aloud and fearlessly, regardless of their laughter, for it
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Speaker 1: was always kindly and not spiteful laughter. These conversations mostly
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Speaker 1: took place in the evenings in the company of ladies.
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Speaker 1: Women particularly liked listening to me then, and they made
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Speaker 1: the men listen. But how can I possibly be responsible
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Speaker 1: for all? Every one would laugh in my face. Can I, for.
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Speaker 3: Instance, be responsible for you? You may well not know it,
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Speaker 3: I would answer, since the whole world has long been
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Speaker 3: going on a diff incline, since we consider the veriest
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Speaker 3: lies as truth and demand the same lies from others.
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Speaker 1: Here I have, for once in my life acted sincerely
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Speaker 1: and well, you will look upon me as a madman.
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Speaker 1: Though you are friendly to me, Yet you see you
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Speaker 1: all laugh at me. But how can we help being
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Speaker 1: friendly to you? Said my hostess, laughing. The room was
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Speaker 1: full of people. All of a sudden, the young lady rose,
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Speaker 1: on whose account the duel had been fought, and whom
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Speaker 1: only lately I had intended to be my future wife.
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Speaker 1: I had not noticed her coming into the room. She
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Speaker 1: got up, came to me, and held out her hand.
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Speaker 1: Let me tell you, she said, that I am the
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Speaker 1: first not to laugh at you, but on the contrary,
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Speaker 1: I thank you with tears and express my respect for
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Speaker 1: you for your action. Then her husband too came up,
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Speaker 1: and then they all approached me and almost kissed me.
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Speaker 1: My heart was filled with joy. But my attention was
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Speaker 1: especially caught by a middle aged man who came up
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Speaker 1: to me with the others. I knew him by name already,
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Speaker 1: but had never made his acquaintance, nor exchanged a word
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Speaker 1: with him till that evening d the mysterious visited. He
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Speaker 1: had long been an official in the town. He was
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Speaker 1: in a prominent position, respected by all rich, and had
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Speaker 1: a reputation for benevolence. He subscribed considerable sums to the
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Speaker 1: almshouse and the orphan asylum. He was very charitable too
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Speaker 1: in secret, a fact which only became known after his death.
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Speaker 1: He was a man of about fifty, almost stern in appearance,
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Speaker 1: and not much given to conversation. He had been married
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Speaker 1: about ten years, and his wife, who was still young,
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Speaker 1: had borne him three children. Well, I was sitting alone
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Speaker 1: in my room the following evening when my door suddenly
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Speaker 1: opened and this gentleman walked in. I must mention by
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Speaker 1: the way, that I was no longer living in my
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Speaker 1: former quarters. As soon as I resigned my commission, I
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Speaker 1: took rooms with an old lady, the widow of a
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Speaker 1: government clerk. My landlady's servant waited upon me, for I
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Speaker 1: had moved into her rooms simply because on my return
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Speaker 1: from the duel, I had sent Afar Nazi back to
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Speaker 1: the regiment, as I felt ashamed to look him in
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Speaker 1: the face after my last interview with him. So pro
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Speaker 1: is the man of the world to be ashamed of
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Speaker 1: any righteous action, I have said, my visitor, with great interest.
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Speaker 1: Listen to you speaking in different houses the last few days,
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Speaker 1: and I wanted at last to make your personal acquaintance.
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Speaker 1: So as to talk to you more intimately, Can you,
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Speaker 1: dear sir, grant me this favor? I can with the
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Speaker 1: greatest pleasure, and I shall look upon it as an honor.
26:35
Speaker 1: I said this, though I felt almost dismayed. So greatly
26:41
Speaker 1: was I impressed from the first moment by the appearance
26:45
Speaker 1: of this man. For though other people had listened to
26:49
Speaker 1: me with interest and attention, no one had come to
26:54
Speaker 1: me before with such a serious, stern and concentrated expression.
27:01
Speaker 1: And now he had come to see me in my
27:03
Speaker 1: own rooms. He said, You are I see a man
27:12
Speaker 1: of great strength of character, He said, as you have
27:16
Speaker 1: dared to serve the truth, even when by doing so
27:22
Speaker 1: your asked incurring the contempt of all Your praise is
27:28
Speaker 1: perhaps excessive. I replied, No, it's not excessive. He answered,
27:35
Speaker 1: Believe me, such a course of action is far more
27:38
Speaker 1: difficult than you think. It is that which has impressed me,
27:43
Speaker 1: and it is only on that account that I have
27:46
Speaker 1: come to you, He continued, Tell me, please, that is,
27:52
Speaker 1: if you are not annoyed by my perhaps unseemly curiosity,
27:57
Speaker 1: What were your exact sensations, if you can recall them,
28:02
Speaker 1: at the moment when you made up your mind to
28:05
Speaker 1: ask forgiveness at the duel. Do not think my question frivolous.
28:11
Speaker 1: On the contrary, I have in asking the question a
28:16
Speaker 1: secret motive of my own, which I will perhaps explain
28:20
Speaker 1: to you later on, if it is God's will that
28:24
Speaker 1: we should become more intimately acquainted. All the while he
28:29
Speaker 1: was speaking, I was looking at him, straight into the face,
28:33
Speaker 1: and I felt all at once a complete trust in him,
28:37
Speaker 1: and great curiosity on my side, also, for I felt
28:41
Speaker 1: that there was some strange secret in his soul. You ask,
28:46
Speaker 1: what were my exact sensations at the moment when I
28:49
Speaker 1: asked my opponent's forgiveness, I answered, but I had better
28:53
Speaker 1: tell you from the beginning what I have not yet
28:56
Speaker 1: told any one else. And I described all that had
29:00
Speaker 1: passed between Aphannazi and me, and how I had bowed
29:05
Speaker 1: down to the ground at his feet. From that you
29:09
Speaker 1: can see for yourself. I concluded that at the time
29:12
Speaker 1: of the duel it was easier for me, for I
29:16
Speaker 1: had made a beginning already at home, and when once
29:19
Speaker 1: I had started on that road to go farther along,
29:23
Speaker 1: it was far from being difficult, but became a source
29:27
Speaker 1: of joy and happiness. I liked the way he looked
29:31
Speaker 1: at me as he listened. All that he said is
29:36
Speaker 1: exceedingly interesting. I will come to see you again and again.
29:44
Speaker 1: And from that time forth he came to see me
29:48
Speaker 1: nearly every evening, and we should have become greater friends.
29:54
Speaker 1: If only he had ever talked of himself, but about himself.
29:59
Speaker 1: He scarcely ever said a word, yet continually asked me
30:03
Speaker 1: about myself. In spite of that, I became very fond
30:07
Speaker 1: of him, and spoke with perfect frankness to him about
30:11
Speaker 1: all my feelings. For thought, I what need have I
30:16
Speaker 1: to know his secrets? Since I can see without that
30:19
Speaker 1: that he is a good man. Moreover, though he is
30:23
Speaker 1: such a serious man and my senior, he comes to
30:26
Speaker 1: see a youngster like me and treats me as his equal.
30:30
Speaker 1: And I learned a great deal that was profitable from him,
30:34
Speaker 1: for he was a man of a lofty mind. That
30:39
Speaker 1: life is heaven, he said to me suddenly, that I
30:43
Speaker 1: have long been thinking about, And all at once, he added,
30:48
Speaker 1: I think of nothing else. Indeed, he looked at me
30:52
Speaker 1: and smiled. I am more convinced of it than you are.
30:56
Speaker 1: I will tell you later why I listened to him
31:01
Speaker 1: and thought that he evidently wanted to tell me something.
31:05
Speaker 3: Heaven.
31:07
Speaker 1: He went on, lies hidden within all of us here,
31:11
Speaker 1: it lies hidden in me now, and if I will it,
31:16
Speaker 1: it will be revealed to me tomorrow. And for all
31:19
Speaker 1: time I looked at him, he was speaking with great
31:25
Speaker 1: emotion and gazing mysteriously at me, as if he were
31:29
Speaker 1: questioning me. And that we are all responsible to all
31:34
Speaker 1: for all, apart from our own sins. You are quite
31:38
Speaker 1: right in thinking that, And it is wonderful how you
31:41
Speaker 1: could comprehend it in all its significance at once, and
31:45
Speaker 1: in very truth. So soon as men understand that the
31:50
Speaker 1: Kingdom of Heaven will be for them not a dream
31:53
Speaker 1: but a living reality. And when I cried out to
31:58
Speaker 1: him bitterly, when will that come to pass? And will
32:02
Speaker 1: it ever come to pass? Is not it simply a
32:05
Speaker 1: dream of ours? What then you don't believe it? He said,
32:10
Speaker 1: You preach it and don't believe it yourself. Believe me,
32:13
Speaker 1: this dream as you call it, will come to pass
32:16
Speaker 1: without doubt. It will come, But not now. For every
32:20
Speaker 1: process has its laws. It's a spiritual psychological process. To
32:25
Speaker 1: transform the world, to recreate it afresh, men must turn
32:30
Speaker 1: into another path psychologically until you have become, really, in
32:34
Speaker 1: actual fact, a brother to everyone. Brotherhood will not come
32:39
Speaker 1: to pass. No sort of scientific teaching, no kind of
32:44
Speaker 1: common interest, will ever teach men to share property and
32:48
Speaker 1: privileges with equal consideration. For all everyone will think his
32:54
Speaker 1: share too small, and they will be always envying, complaining,
32:59
Speaker 1: and at backing one another. You ask when it will
33:02
Speaker 1: come to pass. It will come to pass, But first
33:07
Speaker 1: we have to go through the period of isolation. What
33:11
Speaker 1: do you mean by isolation? I asked him? Why the
33:15
Speaker 1: isolation that prevails everywhere above all in our age. It
33:21
Speaker 1: has not fully developed, it has not reached its limit yet.
33:26
Speaker 1: But everyone strives to keep his individuality as a part
33:31
Speaker 1: as possible, which is to secure the greatest possible fullness
33:35
Speaker 1: of life by himself. But meantime, all his efforts result
33:42
Speaker 1: not in attaining fullness of life, but self destruction, for
33:49
Speaker 1: instead of self realization, he ends by arriving at complete solitude.
33:56
Speaker 1: All mankind in our age have split up into units.
34:01
Speaker 1: They all keep apart, each in his own groove. Each
34:05
Speaker 1: one holds aloof hides himself and hides what he has
34:10
Speaker 1: from the rest, And he ends by being repelled by
34:16
Speaker 1: others and repelling them. He heaps up riches by himself
34:21
Speaker 1: and thinks, how strong I am now, and how secured.
34:29
Speaker 1: And in his madness he does not understand that the
34:32
Speaker 1: more he heaps up, the more he sinks into self
34:36
Speaker 1: destructive impotence. For he is accustomed to rely upon himself alone,
34:43
Speaker 1: and to cut himself off from the hole. He has
34:47
Speaker 1: trained himself not to believe.
34:48
Speaker 2: In the help of others, in men and in humanity,
34:53
Speaker 2: and only trembles for fear he should lose his money
34:57
Speaker 2: and the privileges that he has won for himself.
35:00
Speaker 1: Everywhere in these days, men have, in their mockery, ceased
35:05
Speaker 1: to understand that the true security is to be found
35:10
Speaker 1: in social solidarity, rather than in isolated individual effort. But
35:16
Speaker 1: this terrible individualism must inevitably have an end, and all
35:22
Speaker 1: will suddenly understand how unnaturally they are separated from one another.
35:28
Speaker 1: It will be the spirit of the time, and people
35:31
Speaker 1: will marvel that they have sat so long in darkness
35:35
Speaker 1: without seeing the light. And then the sign of the
35:38
Speaker 1: Son of Man will be seen in the heavens. But
35:42
Speaker 1: until then we must keep the banner lying, sometimes even
35:48
Speaker 1: if he has to do it alone. And his conduct
35:50
Speaker 1: seems to be crazy. A man must set an example,
35:55
Speaker 1: and so draw men's souls out of their solitude and
35:59
Speaker 1: spur them to some act of brotherly love, that the
36:02
Speaker 1: great idea may not die. Our evenings, one after another,
36:10
Speaker 1: were spent in such stirring and fervent talk. I gave
36:15
Speaker 1: up society and visited my neighbors much less frequently. Besides,
36:21
Speaker 1: my vogue was somewhat over. I say this not as blame,
36:26
Speaker 1: for they still loved me and treated me good humoredly.
36:29
Speaker 1: But there's no denying that fashion is a great power
36:33
Speaker 1: in society. I began to regard my mysterious visitor with admiration,
36:40
Speaker 1: for besides enjoying his intelligence, I began to perceive that
36:45
Speaker 1: he was brooding over some plan in his heart, and
36:49
Speaker 1: was preparing himself, perhaps for a great deed. Perhaps he
36:54
Speaker 1: liked my not showing curiosity about his secret, not seeking
36:58
Speaker 1: to discover it by direct question nor by insinuation. But
37:04
Speaker 1: I noticed at last that he seemed to show signs
37:08
Speaker 1: of wanting to tell me something. This had become quite evident. Indeed,
37:14
Speaker 1: about a month after he first began to visit me,
37:18
Speaker 1: do you know he said to me once that people
37:22
Speaker 1: are very inquisitive about us in the town, and wonder
37:25
Speaker 1: why I come to see you so often. But let
37:28
Speaker 1: them wonder, for soon all will be explained. Sometimes an
37:34
Speaker 1: extraordinary agitation would come over him, and almost always on
37:39
Speaker 1: such occasions, he would get up and go away. Sometimes
37:44
Speaker 1: he would fix a long, piercing look upon me, and
37:48
Speaker 1: I thought he will say something directly now, But he
37:52
Speaker 1: would suddenly begin talking of something ordinary and familiar. He
37:57
Speaker 1: often complained of headache too. One day, quite unexpectedly, indeed,
38:04
Speaker 1: after he had been talking with great fervor a long time,
38:08
Speaker 1: I saw him suddenly turn pale, and his face worked
38:12
Speaker 1: convulsively while he stared persistently at me. What's the matter?
38:17
Speaker 1: I said? Do you feel ill? He had just been
38:20
Speaker 1: complaining of headache. I do you know I murdered some one?
38:29
Speaker 1: He said this and smiled with a face as white
38:33
Speaker 1: as choke. Why is it here smiling? The thought flashed
38:37
Speaker 1: through my mind before I realized anything else. I too
38:41
Speaker 1: turned pale. What are you saying? I cried, You see,
38:46
Speaker 1: he said, with a pale smile. How much it has
38:50
Speaker 1: cost me to say the first word. Now I have
38:53
Speaker 1: said it. I feel I've taken the first step and
38:56
Speaker 1: shall go on. For a long while, I could not
39:00
Speaker 1: believe him, and I did not believe him at that time,
39:04
Speaker 1: but only after he had been to see me three
39:07
Speaker 1: days running and told me all about it. I thought
39:11
Speaker 1: he was mad, but ended by being convinced, to my
39:15
Speaker 1: great grief and amazement. His crime was a great and
39:20
Speaker 1: terrible one. Fourteen years before, he had murdered the widow
39:27
Speaker 1: of a landowner, a wealthy and handsome young woman who
39:32
Speaker 1: had a house in our town. He fell passionately in
39:35
Speaker 1: love with her, declared his feeling, and tried to persuade
39:40
Speaker 1: her to marry him, but she had already given her
39:43
Speaker 1: heart to another man, an officer of noble birth and
39:47
Speaker 1: high rank in the service, who was at that time
39:51
Speaker 1: away at the front. Though she was expecting him soon
39:54
Speaker 1: to return, she refused his offer and begged him not
39:59
Speaker 1: to and see her. After he had ceased a visit her,
40:04
Speaker 1: he took advantage of his knowledge of the house to
40:07
Speaker 1: enter at night through the garden by the roof, at
40:11
Speaker 1: great risk of discovery. But as often happens, a crime
40:16
Speaker 1: committed with extraordinary audacity is more successful than others. Entering
40:23
Speaker 1: the garret through the skylight, he went down the ladder.
40:27
Speaker 1: Knowing that the door at the bottom of it was
40:29
Speaker 1: sometimes through the negligence of the servants, or left unlocked,
40:35
Speaker 1: he hoped to find it so, and so it was.
40:39
Speaker 1: He made his way in the dark to her bedroom,
40:42
Speaker 1: where a light was burning, as though on purpose. Both
40:47
Speaker 1: her maids had gone up to a birthday party in
40:50
Speaker 1: the same street without asking leave. The other servants slept
40:56
Speaker 1: in the servants quarters or in the kitchen on the
40:59
Speaker 1: ground floor. His passion flamed up at the sight of
41:04
Speaker 1: her asleep, and then vindictive, jealous anger took possession of
41:09
Speaker 1: his heart, and like a drunken man beside himself, he
41:13
Speaker 1: thrust a knife into her heart, so that she did
41:16
Speaker 1: not even cry out. Then, with devilish and criminal cunning,
41:21
Speaker 1: he contrived that suspicion should fall on the servants. He
41:26
Speaker 1: was so base as to take her purse, to open
41:30
Speaker 1: her chest with keys from under her pillow, and to
41:34
Speaker 1: take some things from it, doing it all as it
41:38
Speaker 1: might have been done by an ignorant servant, leaving valuable
41:42
Speaker 1: papers and taking only money. He took some of the
41:47
Speaker 1: larger gold things, but left smaller articles that were ten
41:51
Speaker 1: times as valuable. He took with him too, some things
41:56
Speaker 1: for himself as remembrances. But at that later, having done
42:01
Speaker 1: this awful deed, he returned by the way he had come.
42:07
Speaker 1: Neither the next day, when the alarm was raised, nor
42:11
Speaker 1: at any time after in his life, did any one
42:15
Speaker 1: dream of suspecting that he was the criminal. No one,
42:20
Speaker 1: indeed knew of his love for her, for he was
42:24
Speaker 1: always reserved and silent, and had no friend to whom
42:28
Speaker 1: he would have opened his heart. He was looked upon
42:31
Speaker 1: simply as an acquaintance, and not a very intimate one
42:36
Speaker 1: of the murdered woman. As for the previous fortnight, he
42:40
Speaker 1: had not even visited her. A surf of hers. Coulpiote
42:46
Speaker 1: was at once suspected, and every circumstance confirmed the suspicion
42:52
Speaker 1: the man knew. Indeed, his mistress did not conceal the
42:56
Speaker 1: fact that, having to send one of her serfs as
43:01
Speaker 1: a recruit, she had decided to send him as he
43:05
Speaker 1: had no relations and his conduct was unsatisfactory. People had
43:10
Speaker 1: heard him angrily threatening to murder her when he was
43:14
Speaker 1: drunk in the tavern two days before her death. He
43:18
Speaker 1: had run away, staying no one knew where in the town.
43:23
Speaker 1: The day after the murder. He was found on the
43:26
Speaker 1: road leading out of the town, dead, drunk, with a
43:29
Speaker 1: knife in his pocket, and his right hand happened to
43:32
Speaker 1: be stained with blood. He declared that his nose had
43:36
Speaker 1: been bleeding, but no one believed him. The maids confessed
43:40
Speaker 1: that they had gone to a party and that the
43:42
Speaker 1: street door had been left open till they returned, and
43:46
Speaker 1: a number of similar details came to light, throwing suspicion
43:50
Speaker 1: on the innocent servant. They arrested him and he was
43:55
Speaker 1: tried for the murder. But a week after the arrest,
43:58
Speaker 1: the prisoner beals of a fever and died unconscious in
44:02
Speaker 1: the hospital. There the matter ended, and the judges and
44:07
Speaker 1: the authorities and everyone in the town remained convinced that
44:12
Speaker 1: the crime had been committed by no one but the
44:15
Speaker 1: servant who had died in the hospital, And after that
44:19
Speaker 1: the punishment began. My mysterious visitor, now, my friend told
44:27
Speaker 1: me that at first he was not in the least
44:29
Speaker 1: trouble by pangs of conscience. He was miserable a long time,
44:34
Speaker 1: but not for that reason, only from regret that he
44:38
Speaker 1: had killed the woman he loved, that she was no
44:41
Speaker 1: more that in killing her, he had killed his love
44:45
Speaker 1: while the fire of passion was still in his veins.
44:48
Speaker 1: But of the innocent blood he had shed, of the
44:51
Speaker 1: murder of a fellow creature, he scarcely thought. The thought
44:56
Speaker 1: that his victim might have become the wife of another
44:59
Speaker 1: man was insupportable to him, and so for a long
45:03
Speaker 1: time he was convinced in his conscience that he could
45:07
Speaker 1: not have acted otherwise. At first, he was worried at
45:12
Speaker 1: the arrest of the servant, but his illness and death
45:16
Speaker 1: soon set his mind at rest. For the man's death
45:19
Speaker 1: was apparently so, he reflected at the time, not owing
45:24
Speaker 1: to his arrest or his fright, but a chill he
45:27
Speaker 1: had taken on the day he ran away, when he
45:30
Speaker 1: had lain all night dead drunk on the damp ground.
45:34
Speaker 1: The theft of the money and other things troubled him little,
45:38
Speaker 1: for he argued that the theft had not been committed
45:42
Speaker 1: for gain, but to avert suspicion. The sum stolen was small,
45:48
Speaker 1: and he shortly afterwards subscribed the whole of it, and
45:51
Speaker 1: much more towards the fund for maintaining an almshouse in
45:56
Speaker 1: the town. He did this on purpose to set his
45:59
Speaker 1: content at rest about the theft, and it's a remarkable
46:03
Speaker 1: fact that for a long time he really was at peace.
46:07
Speaker 1: He told me this himself. He entered them upon a
46:11
Speaker 1: career of great activity in the service, volunteered for a
46:15
Speaker 1: difficult and laborious duty which occupied in two years, and
46:20
Speaker 1: being a man of strong will, almost forgot the past.
46:25
Speaker 1: Whenever he recalled it. He tried not to think of
46:28
Speaker 1: it at all. He became active in philanthropy too, founded
46:34
Speaker 1: and helped to maintain many institutions in the town, did
46:38
Speaker 1: a good deal in the two capitals, and in both
46:41
Speaker 1: Moscow and Petersburg, was elected a member of philanthropic societies.
46:47
Speaker 1: At last, however, he began brooding over the past, and
46:52
Speaker 1: the strain of it was too much for him. Then
46:56
Speaker 1: he was attracted by a fine and intelligent girl, and
46:59
Speaker 1: soon after married her, hoping that marriage would dispel his
47:04
Speaker 1: lonely depression, and that by entering on a new life
47:08
Speaker 1: and scrupulously doing his duty to his wife and children,
47:12
Speaker 1: he would escape from old memories altogether. But the very
47:17
Speaker 1: opposite of what he expected happened. He began, even in
47:22
Speaker 1: the first month of his marriage, to be continually fretted
47:26
Speaker 1: by the thought my wife loves me. But what if
47:29
Speaker 1: she knew when she first told him that she would
47:33
Speaker 1: soon pay him a child? He was troubled. I am
47:37
Speaker 1: giving life, but I have taken life. Children came. How
47:42
Speaker 1: dare I love them, teach and educate them? How can
47:46
Speaker 1: I talk to them of virtue? I have shed blood.
47:50
Speaker 1: They were splendid children, He longed to caress them. And
47:55
Speaker 1: I can't look at their innocent, candid faces. I am unworthy.
48:00
Speaker 1: At last, he began to be bitterly and ominously haunted
48:05
Speaker 1: by the blood of his murdered victim, by the young
48:09
Speaker 1: life he had destroyed, by the blood that cried out
48:12
Speaker 1: for vengeance. He had begun to have awful dreams, but
48:18
Speaker 1: being a man of fortitude, he bore his suffering a
48:22
Speaker 1: long time, thinking I shall expiate everything by this secret agony.
48:30
Speaker 1: But that hope, too, was vain. The longer it went on,
48:34
Speaker 1: the more intense was his suffering. He was respected in
48:39
Speaker 1: society for his active benevolence, though every one was overawed
48:45
Speaker 1: by his stern and gloomy character. But the more he
48:49
Speaker 1: was respected, the more intolerable it was for him. He
48:53
Speaker 1: confessed to me that he had thoughts of killing himself,
48:57
Speaker 1: but he began to be haunted by another eye dear,
49:01
Speaker 1: an idea which he had at first regarded as impossible
49:04
Speaker 1: and unthinkable, though at last it got such a hold
49:08
Speaker 1: on his heart that he could not shake it up.
49:12
Speaker 1: He dreamed of rising up, going out, and confessing in
49:16
Speaker 1: the face of all men that he had committed murder.
49:20
Speaker 1: For three years, this dream had pursued him, haunting him
49:24
Speaker 1: in different forms. At last he believed with his whole
49:28
Speaker 1: heart that if he confessed his crime, he would heal
49:32
Speaker 1: his soul and would be at peace forever. But this
49:36
Speaker 1: belief built his heart with terror, for how could he
49:39
Speaker 1: carry it out? And then came what happened? At my duu?
49:43
Speaker 1: Looking at you, I have made up my mind, I
49:47
Speaker 1: looked at him. Is it possible, I cried, clasping my hands,
49:52
Speaker 1: that such a trivial incident could give rise to such
49:56
Speaker 1: a resolution in you? My resolution has been growing for
50:01
Speaker 1: the last three years, he answered, and your story only
50:05
Speaker 1: gave the last touch to it. Looking at you, I
50:09
Speaker 1: reproached myself and envied you. He said this to me,
50:13
Speaker 1: almost sullenly. But you won't be believed, I observed. It's
50:18
Speaker 1: fourteen years ago. I have proofs great proofs I shall
50:22
Speaker 1: show them. Then I cried and kissed him. Tell me
50:27
Speaker 1: one thing, one thing, he said, as though it all
50:30
Speaker 1: depended upon me, my wife, my children. My wife may
50:35
Speaker 1: die of grief, and though my children won't lose their
50:38
Speaker 1: rank and property, there'll be a convict's children and forever.
50:42
Speaker 1: And what a memory, what a memory of me, I
50:44
Speaker 1: shall leave in their hearts. I said nothing, And to
50:49
Speaker 1: part from them, to lead them forever. It's for ever,
50:52
Speaker 1: you know, for ever. I sat still and repeated a
50:57
Speaker 1: silent prayer. I got up at last, I felt afraid. Well.
51:04
Speaker 1: He looked at me, go said, I confess. Everything passes,
51:10
Speaker 1: only the truth remains. Your children will understand when they
51:14
Speaker 1: grow up the nobility of your resolution. He left me
51:19
Speaker 1: that time as though he had made up his mind.
51:23
Speaker 1: Yet for more than a fortnight afterwards, he came to
51:26
Speaker 1: me every evening, still preparing himself, still unable to bring
51:31
Speaker 1: himself to the point he made my heart ache. One
51:35
Speaker 1: day he would come determined and say, fervently, I know
51:41
Speaker 1: it will be heaven for me. Heaven the moment I
51:43
Speaker 1: confess fourteen years I've been in hell, I want to suffer.
51:50
Speaker 1: I will take my punishment and begin to live. You
51:53
Speaker 1: can pass through the world doing wrong, but there's no
51:56
Speaker 1: turning back now. I dare not love my neighbor nor
52:00
Speaker 1: even my own children. Good God, my children will understand
52:03
Speaker 1: perhaps what my punishment discussed me, and will not condemn me.
52:08
Speaker 1: God is not in strength, but in truth. All will
52:12
Speaker 1: understand your sacrifice, I said to him. If not at once,
52:16
Speaker 1: they will understand later, for you have so truth, the
52:19
Speaker 1: higher truth, not of the earth. And he would go
52:23
Speaker 1: away seeming comforted, but next day he would come again bitter,
52:27
Speaker 1: pale or sarcastic. Every time I come to you, you
52:31
Speaker 1: look at me so inquisitively, as though to say he
52:34
Speaker 1: has still not confessed. Wait a bit, don't despise me
52:38
Speaker 1: too much. It's not such an easy thing to do,
52:40
Speaker 1: as you would think. Perhaps I shall not do it
52:43
Speaker 1: at all. You won't go and inform against me, then,
52:46
Speaker 1: will you. And far from looking at him with indiscreet curiosity,
52:51
Speaker 1: I was afraid to look at him at all. I
52:54
Speaker 1: was quite ill from anxiety, and my heart was full
52:57
Speaker 1: of tears. I could not sleep at night. I have
53:01
Speaker 1: just come from my wife, he went on, Do you
53:04
Speaker 1: understand what the word wife means? When I went out.
53:08
Speaker 1: The children called to me, good bye, father, Make haste
53:11
Speaker 1: back to read the children's magazine with us. No, you
53:15
Speaker 1: don't understand that no one is wise from another man's word.
53:19
Speaker 1: His eyes were glittering, his lips were twitching. Suddenly he
53:24
Speaker 1: struck the table with his wist so that everything on
53:27
Speaker 1: it danced. It was the first time he had done
53:30
Speaker 1: such a thing. He was such a mild man. But
53:33
Speaker 1: need I, he exclaimed, must I? No one has been condemned,
53:41
Speaker 1: No one has been sent to Siberia in my place.
53:44
Speaker 1: The man died of fever, and I have been punished
53:47
Speaker 1: by my supperings for the blood I shed. And I
53:50
Speaker 1: shan't be believed. They won't believe my proofs. Need I
53:54
Speaker 1: can best need I. I am ready to go on
53:56
Speaker 1: suppering all my life for the blood I have shed.
54:00
Speaker 1: If only my wife and children may be spared, will
54:03
Speaker 1: it be just to ruin them with me? Aren't we
54:06
Speaker 1: making a mistake? What is right in this case? And
54:10
Speaker 1: will people recognize it? Will they appreciate it? While they
54:13
Speaker 1: respect it? Good Lord, I thought to myself, he is
54:18
Speaker 1: thinking of other people's respect at such a moment, and
54:22
Speaker 1: I felt so sorry for him. Then that I believe
54:25
Speaker 1: I would have shared his fate if it could have
54:27
Speaker 1: comforted him. I saw he was beside himself. I was aghast,
54:31
Speaker 1: realizing with my heart as well as my mind, what
54:35
Speaker 1: such a resolution meant. Decide my fate, he exclaimed again,
54:43
Speaker 1: Go and confess, I whispered to him. My voice failed me,
54:49
Speaker 1: but I whispered it firmly. I took up the New
54:53
Speaker 1: Testament from the table, the Russian translation, and shewed him
54:57
Speaker 1: the Gospel of Saint John, Chapter twelve, verse twenty four. Verily, verily,
55:06
Speaker 1: I say unto you, except a corn of wheat fall
55:10
Speaker 1: into the ground and die, it abideth alone. But if
55:14
Speaker 1: it died, it bringeth forth much fruit. I had just
55:19
Speaker 1: been reading that verse when he came in. He read it.
55:24
Speaker 1: That's true, he said, but he smiled bitterly. It's terrible
55:30
Speaker 1: the things you find in those books, he said, after
55:33
Speaker 1: a pause. It's easy enough to thrust them upon one.
55:38
Speaker 1: And who wrote them? Can they have been written by men?
55:43
Speaker 1: The Holy Spirit wrote them? Said I. It's easy for
55:49
Speaker 1: you to pray. He smiled again, this time almost with hatred.
55:57
Speaker 1: I took the book again, opened it in another place,
56:01
Speaker 1: and showed him the Epistle to the Hebrews ten, verse
56:06
Speaker 1: thirty one. He read it is a fearful thing to
56:13
Speaker 1: fall into the hands of the Living God. He read
56:18
Speaker 1: it and simply flung down the book. He was trembling
56:22
Speaker 1: all over an awful text. He said, there's no denying
56:27
Speaker 1: you've picked out fitting ones. He rose from the chair. Well,
56:32
Speaker 1: he said, goodbye. Perhaps I shan't come again. We shall
56:35
Speaker 1: meet in heaven. So I have been for fourteen years
56:39
Speaker 1: in the hands of the Living God. That one must
56:43
Speaker 1: think of those fourteen years. Tomorrow I will beseech those
56:47
Speaker 1: hands to let me go. I wanted to take him
56:51
Speaker 1: in my arms and kiss him, but I did not dare.
56:54
Speaker 1: His face was contorted and somber. He went away. Good God,
56:59
Speaker 1: I thought, what has he gone to face? I've followed
57:04
Speaker 1: my knees before the icon and wept for him before
57:08
Speaker 1: the Holy Mother of God. I swept up under an
57:10
Speaker 1: help her. I was half an hour praying in tears,
57:15
Speaker 1: and it was late about midnight. Suddenly I saw the
57:19
Speaker 1: door open and he came in again. I was surprised,
57:22
Speaker 1: where have you been, I asked him. I think he said,
57:27
Speaker 1: I've forgotten something, my handkerchief. I think, well, even if
57:33
Speaker 1: I've not forgotten anything. Let me stay a little. He
57:38
Speaker 1: sat down. I stood over him. You sit down, too,
57:42
Speaker 1: said he. I sat down. We sat still for two minutes.
57:48
Speaker 1: He looked intently at me and suddenly smiled. I remembered that.
57:54
Speaker 1: Then he got up, embraced me warmly, and kissed me. Remember,
58:01
Speaker 1: he said, how I came to you a second time?
58:04
Speaker 1: Do you hear? Remember it? And he went out tomorrow,
58:11
Speaker 1: I thought, And so it was. I did not know
58:16
Speaker 1: that evening that the next day was his birthday. I
58:20
Speaker 1: had not been out for the last few days, so
58:23
Speaker 1: I had no chance of hearing it from any one.
58:27
Speaker 1: On that day, he always had a great gathering. Everyone
58:31
Speaker 1: in the town went to it. It was the same
58:34
Speaker 1: this time. After dinner, he walked into the middle of
58:38
Speaker 1: the room with a paper in his hand, a formal
58:42
Speaker 1: declaration to the chief of his department. He was present.
58:46
Speaker 1: This declaration he read aloud to the whole assembly. It
58:51
Speaker 1: contained a full account of the crime in every detail.
58:56
Speaker 1: I cut myself up from men as a monster. God
58:59
Speaker 1: has visited me, he said, in conclusion, I want to
59:03
Speaker 1: supper for my sin. Then he brought out and laid
59:08
Speaker 1: on the table all the things he had been keeping
59:11
Speaker 1: for fourteen years that he thought would prove his crime.
59:16
Speaker 1: The duels belonging to the murdered woman, which he had
59:19
Speaker 1: stolen to divert suspicion, a cross and a locket taken
59:23
Speaker 1: from her neck, with a portrait of her betrothed in
59:27
Speaker 1: the locket, her notebook, and two letters, one from her
59:31
Speaker 1: betrothed telling her that he would soon be with her,
59:34
Speaker 1: and her unfinished answer leapt on the table to be
59:38
Speaker 1: sent up. Next day, he carried off these two letters.
59:42
Speaker 1: What for why had he kept them for fourteen years
59:45
Speaker 1: afterwards instead of destroying them as evidence against him? And
59:50
Speaker 1: this is what happened. Everyone was amazed and horrified. Everyone
59:56
Speaker 1: refused to believe it, and thought that he was deranged,
1:00:00
Speaker 1: though all listened with intense curiosity. A few days later,
1:00:05
Speaker 1: it was fully decided and agreed in every house that
1:00:09
Speaker 1: the unhappy man was mad. The legal authorities could not
1:00:14
Speaker 1: refuse to take the case up, but they too dropped it.
1:00:18
Speaker 1: Though the trinkets and letters made them ponder, they decided
1:00:23
Speaker 1: that even if they did turn out to be authentic,
1:00:26
Speaker 1: no charge could be based on those alone. Besides, she
1:00:30
Speaker 1: might have given him those things as a friend or
1:00:33
Speaker 1: asked him to take care of them for her. I
1:00:36
Speaker 1: heard afterwards, however, that the genuineness of the things was
1:00:40
Speaker 1: proved by the friends and relations of the murdered woman,
1:00:45
Speaker 1: and that there was no doubt about them. Yet nothing
1:00:48
Speaker 1: was destined to come of it. After all, five days
1:00:52
Speaker 1: later all had heard that he was ill and that
1:00:55
Speaker 1: his life was in danger. The nature of his illness
1:00:58
Speaker 1: I can't explain. They said it was an affection of
1:01:02
Speaker 1: the heart. But it became known that the doctors had
1:01:06
Speaker 1: been induced by his wife to investigate his mental condition also,
1:01:10
Speaker 1: and had come to the conclusion that it was a
1:01:13
Speaker 1: case of insanity. I betrayed nothing, though people ran to
1:01:17
Speaker 1: question me. But when I wanted to visit him, I
1:01:21
Speaker 1: was a long while forbidden to do so, above all
1:01:24
Speaker 1: by his wife. It's you who have caused his illness,
1:01:27
Speaker 1: she said to me. He was always gloomy, but for
1:01:30
Speaker 1: the last year people noticed that he was peculiarly excited
1:01:34
Speaker 1: and did strange things. And now you have been the
1:01:36
Speaker 1: ruin of him. Your preaching has brought him to this.
1:01:39
Speaker 1: For the last month he was always with you. Indeed,
1:01:43
Speaker 1: not only his wife, but the whole town were down
1:01:46
Speaker 1: upon me. And blamed me. It's all your doing, they said.
1:01:50
Speaker 1: I was silent, and indeed rejoiced at heart, for I
1:01:54
Speaker 1: saw plainly God's mercy to the man who had turned
1:01:57
Speaker 1: against himself and punished himself. I could not believe in
1:02:00
Speaker 1: his insanity. They let me see him at last, he insisted,
1:02:05
Speaker 1: upon saying good bye to me. I went into him
1:02:09
Speaker 1: and saw at once that not only his days but
1:02:11
Speaker 1: his hours were numbered. He was weak, yellow, his hands trembled.
1:02:16
Speaker 1: He gasped for breath, but his face was full of
1:02:19
Speaker 1: tender and happy feeling. It is done, he said, I've
1:02:24
Speaker 1: long been yearning to see you. Why didn't you come.
1:02:27
Speaker 1: I did not tell him that they would not let
1:02:29
Speaker 1: me see him. God has had pity on me and
1:02:33
Speaker 1: is calling me to himself. I know I am dying,
1:02:36
Speaker 1: but I feel joy and peace. For the first time
1:02:39
Speaker 1: after so many years, there was heaven in my heart
1:02:42
Speaker 1: from the moment I had done what I had to do.
1:02:45
Speaker 1: Now I dare to love my children and to kiss them.
1:02:48
Speaker 1: Neither my wife, nor the judges, nor any one has
1:02:51
Speaker 1: believed it. My children will never believe it either. I
1:02:55
Speaker 1: see him that God's mercy to them. I shall die
1:02:58
Speaker 1: and my name will be with that, staying for them.
1:03:00
Speaker 1: And now I feel God name my heart rejoices as
1:03:04
Speaker 1: in heaven, I have done my duty. He could not speak,
1:03:09
Speaker 1: He gasped for breath. He pressed my hand warmly, looking
1:03:12
Speaker 1: fervently at me. We did not talk for long. His
1:03:16
Speaker 1: wife kept peeping in at us, but he had time
1:03:19
Speaker 1: to whisper to him. Do you remember how I came
1:03:23
Speaker 1: back to you that second time at midnight? I told
1:03:26
Speaker 1: you to remember it. You know what I came back for.
1:03:29
Speaker 1: I came to kill you. I started, I went out
1:03:33
Speaker 1: from you, then into the darkness. I wandered about the streets,
1:03:37
Speaker 1: struggling with myself, and suddenly I hated you so that
1:03:41
Speaker 1: I could hardly bear it. Now, I thought, he is
1:03:44
Speaker 1: all that binds me, and he is my judge. I
1:03:47
Speaker 1: can't refuse to face my punishment tomorrow, for he knows all.
1:03:51
Speaker 1: Tis not that I was afraid you would betray me.
1:03:53
Speaker 1: I never even thought of that, But I thought, how
1:03:56
Speaker 1: can I look him in the face if I don't confess.
1:03:59
Speaker 1: And if you have been at the other end of
1:04:01
Speaker 1: the earth, but alive, it would have been all the same.
1:04:04
Speaker 1: The thought was unendurable that you were alive, knowing everything
1:04:08
Speaker 1: and condemning me. I hated you as though you were
1:04:12
Speaker 1: the cause, as though you were to blame for everything.
1:04:16
Speaker 1: I came back to you then, remembering that you had
1:04:19
Speaker 1: the dagger lying on your table, I sat down and
1:04:22
Speaker 1: asked you to sit down. And for a whole minute
1:04:24
Speaker 1: I pondered if I had killed you, I should have
1:04:27
Speaker 1: been ruined by that murder, even if I had not
1:04:30
Speaker 1: confessed the other. But I didn't think about that at all,
1:04:34
Speaker 1: and I didn't want to think of it at that moment.
1:04:37
Speaker 1: I only hated you and longed to revenge myself on
1:04:40
Speaker 1: you for everything. The Lord vanquished the devil in my heart,
1:04:45
Speaker 1: But let me tell you, you were never nearer death.
1:04:50
Speaker 1: A week later he died. The whole town followed him
1:04:54
Speaker 1: to the grave. The chief priest made a speech full
1:04:57
Speaker 1: of feeling, all lamented the terrorable illness that had cut
1:05:01
Speaker 1: short as days. But all the town was up in
1:05:04
Speaker 1: arms against me after the funeral, and people even refused
1:05:08
Speaker 1: to see me. Some at first appew and afterwards more began,
1:05:13
Speaker 1: indeed to believe in the truth of his story, and
1:05:16
Speaker 1: they visited me and questioned me with great interest and eagerness.
1:05:21
Speaker 1: For man loves to see the downfall and disgrace of
1:05:23
Speaker 1: the righteous. But I held my tongue, and very shortly
1:05:27
Speaker 1: after I left the town, and five months later, by
1:05:31
Speaker 1: God's grace, I entered upon the safe and blessed path,
1:05:35
Speaker 1: praising the unseen finger which had guided me so clearly
1:05:38
Speaker 1: to it. But I remember in my prayer to this
1:05:42
Speaker 1: day the servant to God, Nhael, who suffered so greatly
1:05:49
Speaker 1: end of chapter forty one
1:06:01
Speaker 3: Two