Latest / Marriage Life and More and Bible Study / 4 Steps to Creating Safety in Your Marriage Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 293

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4 Steps to Creating Safety in Your Marriage Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 293 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

0:06
Daniel Moore: In one of those jewelry commercials that somehow sneaks up on you between football highlights and weather alerts, Jane Seymour sweetly says, If your heart is open, love will always find its way in.
0:18
Daniel Moore: And sure, it sounds a little hallmark-ish, like it belongs on a throw pillow you didn't ask for, but underneath the sparkle, there is a truth that hits home.
0:28
Daniel Moore: Alongside our relationship with Christ, one of the biggest lessons we've learned in marriage is that love can't grow where hearts stay guarded.
0:36
Daniel Moore: The Apostle Paul said something similar to the Corinthians when he opened his heart wide and urged them to do the same, reminding them that distance wasn't caused by a lack of love, but by hearts that hadn't fully leaned in yet.
0:49
Daniel Moore: Marriage works the same way.
0:51
Daniel Moore: Real intimacy, the soul deep kind, only happens when we risk vulnerability, create emotional safety, and open our hearts even when it feels uncomfortable.
1:01
Daniel Moore: So today, we're talking about why that's so hard, what closes our hearts, and how God invites us into a marriage where love doesn't just survive, it truly thrives.
1:12
Daniel Moore: Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
1:23
Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies, and sometimes we interview people that have stories.
1:28
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and once again here with me this week is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.com.
1:40
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1:41
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1:43
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1:45
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1:48
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1:52
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1:56
Daniel Moore: Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms, give us a thumbs up or a five-star review in Apple Podcast.
2:01
Daniel Moore: And we'd be grateful to you for doing that.
2:05
Daniel Moore: Well, this week we're going to be continuing into our series on marriage reset, as we are going to be starting episode 11.
2:14
Daniel Moore: We have two episodes left in this series.
2:17
Michelle Moore: It's went by quick.
2:19
Daniel Moore: I it did.
2:20
Daniel Moore: Although it did go a little longer than I anticipated because a lot of our episodes actually ended up being several parts.
2:27
Daniel Moore: But we sure do hope that everything that we've covered, we haven't left any rocks unturned.
2:31
Daniel Moore: And maybe some of you guys out there listening have, you know, got something from the series as we went through it.
2:38
Daniel Moore: You know, one thing about this series is even though it's called marriage reset, this kind of seems like it's geared towards marriages that are in crisis.
2:47
Daniel Moore: But in all reality, you know, as we've been through this, there's a lot of areas that these are probably good for anybody.
2:53
Daniel Moore: Um, it can strengthen your marriage and it can maybe make you see some spots maybe you're a little weak in some areas.
3:00
Daniel Moore: And Michelle and I have even gained a lot from this just by going through the study.
3:05
Daniel Moore: And so we're gonna go ahead and get started this week as we're going to be starting off episode 11, and this will be a multi-part episode as well.
3:15
Daniel Moore: And this week we're gonna be talking about four steps to creating safety in your marriage.
3:33
Michelle Moore: In her well-known jewelry commercial, actress and entrepreneur Jane Seymour proclaims, if your heart is open, love will always find its way in.
3:43
Michelle Moore: Sure, it borders on being sentimental, maybe in cliche, but beneath the sweetness lies a deep truth.
3:51
Michelle Moore: Alongside our faith relationship with Christ, the willingness to keep our hearts vulnerable and receptive has been one of the most powerful lessons we've learned in building a deep and lasting marriage.
4:05
Michelle Moore: Real emotional intimacy, what some would call a soulmate connection, can't exist unless both partners are willing to open up fully to one another.
4:17
Michelle Moore: This idea mirrors what the Apostle Paul once wrote to the believers in Corinth.
4:24
Michelle Moore: He poured out his feelings openly, telling them he was holding nothing back and pleading with them to do the same.
4:31
Michelle Moore: He reminded them that any emotional distance between them wasn't because he lacked love, but because they hadn't fully opened their hearts in return.
4:42
Michelle Moore: Paul urged them to love wholeheartedly, as if speaking to his own dear children.
4:49
Michelle Moore: In the same way, marriages thrive not when love is guarded or partial, but when hearts reach all the way toward each other with honesty and tenderness.
5:00
Michelle Moore: Oh, my dear Corinthian friends, I have told you all my feelings.
5:06
Michelle Moore: I love you with all my heart.
5:09
Michelle Moore: Any coldness still between us is not because of any lack of love on my part, but because your love is too small and does not reach out to me and draw me in.
5:22
Michelle Moore: I am talking to you now as you truly were my very own children.
5:28
Michelle Moore: Open your hearts to us, return our love.
5:32
Michelle Moore: And you can find that in 2 Corinthians 6 through 11 through 13.
5:37
Michelle Moore: Open your hearts.
5:40
Michelle Moore: This is a wonderful poetic notion, but it's much easier said than done.
5:46
Michelle Moore: Many people struggle with keeping their heart open because openness requires vulnerability.
5:52
Michelle Moore: As Dr.
5:53
Michelle Moore: Arch Hart and Sharon Hart may explain.
5:56
Michelle Moore: This is such a delicate, trusting act that any violation or injury of this trust can cause the most painful of reactions.
6:15
Michelle Moore: Imagine taking the very essence of your being, your heart, and placing it in the hands of your spouse.
6:23
Michelle Moore: Your heart becomes your mates to care for, safeguard, cherish, and love.
6:29
Michelle Moore: This necessitates a willingness to be vulnerable and take a bold, risky step.
6:36
Michelle Moore: One of the biggest challenges in any marriage is this to experience genuine, soul-deep intimacy, you have to let your spouse into the most delicate parts of who you are.
6:50
Michelle Moore: Your inner thoughts, emotions, fears, and wounds.
6:55
Michelle Moore: It's a risk because there's no certainty in how your partner will respond to that level of vulnerability.
7:04
Michelle Moore: Will they love you even more or will they turn away?
7:08
Michelle Moore: When you're no longer hiding your insecurities, mistakes, or messy parts of your story, will you still be seen as worthy of love and protection?
7:21
Daniel Moore: And this is a very important part of our relationships as spouses, because if we can't have a safe space between the husband and the wife that we both can go to and know that we are going to be securely taken care of in a loving manner, and that in S you know, example, you are my top priority, and vice versa, then it's very difficult for marital couples to really have much of a relationship, really, when it as far as the deep intimacy goes.
7:56
Daniel Moore: Um it does, it can kind of become superficial.
8:00
Daniel Moore: And I know as I'm reading, you know, as we're reading through this here and and sharing the beginning of this week's episode, uh I really like what those doctors stated there.
8:13
Daniel Moore: Um that's a very good explanation of what we're doing when we're giving our hearts away.
8:18
Daniel Moore: And that happens, it's supposed to happen the day that we walk down the aisle.
8:22
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
8:23
Daniel Moore: And we say I do to each other.
8:25
Daniel Moore: Part of that I do is I'm giving you my heart.
8:28
Daniel Moore: So take care of it.
8:30
Daniel Moore: That's in essence what we are saying.
8:33
Daniel Moore: But I see so many times, and even you and I went through this where we fail as spouses and we don't take care of each other's hearts, and sometimes there's a lot of damage that's done.
8:46
Daniel Moore: And we know from experience when we've had these moments where we've damaged each other's trust and you know did things to each other that we shouldn't have.
8:56
Daniel Moore: How hard was it to get that safety space back?
9:00
Michelle Moore: It was very difficult.
9:01
Daniel Moore: It was.
9:02
Daniel Moore: There's a process there that you have to go through to even try to to build that back.
9:07
Michelle Moore: And in my mind, when when you're talking about that and the hurt and anger, I was thinking about taking your heart and just like stabbing it with a fork.
9:14
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
9:15
Michelle Moore: It's a little but you know, if you really think about it and you put that in the context that you were just saying, as they stated, you know, when you're angry and stuff, are you gonna help that heart flourish?
9:27
Michelle Moore: Are you gonna pour into it?
9:29
Michelle Moore: Are you gonna speak life over it?
9:31
Michelle Moore: You know, you you're gonna nurture it.
9:33
Michelle Moore: Right.
9:34
Michelle Moore: You know, but when you're you've been hurt or damaged, it's like you put a shield over it to where nothing can touch it.
9:40
Daniel Moore: Right.
9:40
Michelle Moore: But yeah, if you're this the partner that made that person hurt, you're not taking care of that heart.
9:46
Daniel Moore: No.
9:46
Daniel Moore: And I'm gonna keep you away from the silverware drawer.
9:51
Michelle Moore: I was just sitting there thinking, I'm like, right, right, right.
9:54
Michelle Moore: Oh, I got my little noise.
9:56
Daniel Moore: You get a spoon from now on.
9:57
Michelle Moore: You're not getting a fork.
9:58
Michelle Moore: I'll just tap it.
10:00
Michelle Moore: Oh, okay.
10:02
Daniel Moore: I guess anything's a weapon.
10:03
Michelle Moore: I was trying to be serious too.
10:05
Daniel Moore: No, I really like that because you know, uh, I don't think we realize sometimes even the little things that we the little mistakes that we make sometimes how big the damage can be from something even what we consider to be small, it could still create something huge in our spouse without us realizing it.
10:25
Daniel Moore: And sometimes when that safety space is not taken care of, it's hard to talk about it.
10:32
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
10:33
Daniel Moore: Uh we don't want to get into the some spouses aren't comfortable getting into the accusatory stage or the critical stage or calling out their spouse on things that they do, and they let that stuff build up.
10:45
Daniel Moore: And then they do, like you said, they start putting defenses up.
10:49
Daniel Moore: And we're gonna talk about those here, what those defenses would be, because the truth is that we all yearn to be completely known and still fully accepted.
10:58
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
10:59
Daniel Moore: Yet many people enter into marriage with protective walls already in place.
11:03
Daniel Moore: Yes.
11:03
Daniel Moore: I mean, how many times have we seen that happen?
11:06
Daniel Moore: From early on in life, we encounter pain and we learn to guard ourselves.
11:11
Daniel Moore: We carry wounds, those are emotional, relational, sometimes even physical, that shape the way we relate to others.
11:18
Daniel Moore: So maybe you that's listening out there right now, maybe you've endured rejection as a child or witnessed your parents' relationship fall apart.
11:27
Daniel Moore: Perhaps you've been betrayed in a former relationship or a trusted friend left without explanation.
11:32
Daniel Moore: You know, some have experienced deep trauma like abuse or assault.
11:36
Daniel Moore: It can get into the really physical stuff or carry guilt from past decisions that they believe disqualify them from love.
11:43
Daniel Moore: One thing that I think this paragraph really explains is sometimes stuff that happens in your marriage may not be the root in your marriage.
11:52
Daniel Moore: You probably brought it in when you got married.
11:55
Daniel Moore: You already had stuff that already taken place even as early as your early childhood.
12:00
Daniel Moore: You know, so many people have things happen to them at a very young age.
12:04
Daniel Moore: They never deal with it.
12:06
Daniel Moore: They never, their parents don't help them deal with it, and they just tuck it away for years and years, and then someday they fall in love with someone, they get married, and they bring it in as extra baggage.
12:19
Daniel Moore: Well, when that happens, our spouse is the closest person to us at that point.
12:23
Daniel Moore: That's the person that we feel the most safe to be around.
12:26
Daniel Moore: And sometimes stuff starts getting exposed that we would have hid from everyone else, but we let our spouse see it.
12:32
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
12:33
Daniel Moore: And that can be bad stuff that can really put a sh a dark cloud over our marriage if we're not careful.
12:40
Daniel Moore: And all of a sudden we realize we have a lot of stuff we never dealt with.
12:44
Daniel Moore: And we have a lot of issues there that's now causing marital problems.
12:47
Daniel Moore: And so I really like how that, you know, looking at that paragraph like that, that you know, we we can bring wounds, all different kinds of wounds, into our relationships if we're not careful.
13:00
Michelle Moore: Right.
13:01
Daniel Moore: And you and I have seen this from other people, and it's it's very common.
13:06
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
13:07
Daniel Moore: I think it's a lot more common than what people realize.
13:09
Daniel Moore: And when you have these kinds of wounds in you, as you bring them into your marriage, they end up leaving lasting marks.
13:16
Daniel Moore: And to protect ourselves whenever we start having this issue, we kind of get to the fight or flight mode at that point, and we come up with elaborate ways to manage closeness.
13:29
Daniel Moore: We start trying to take more control of our life uh as a reaction, a defensive mode, keeping conversation shallow, avoiding vulnerability, staying emotionally distant, or distracting ourselves with busyness.
13:44
Daniel Moore: These defense mechanisms are often rooted in real pain, but over time they make true intimacy harder to reach and harder to sustain.
13:52
Daniel Moore: I've even been there with this because I think both of us have actually.
13:57
Daniel Moore: Because even when we started damaging each other in our marriage and we start having all the problems we did between us, you know, I can vividly remember conversations that we always kept shallow because we knew if we talk too deep into something, it's going to bring everything up and we're going to be forced into confronting it.
14:13
Daniel Moore: We're going to be con forced into talking about things we don't want to talk about.
14:17
Daniel Moore: And so we chose to dance around the issues and just let them be as they sit there and continue to build and become a bigger problem.
14:26
Daniel Moore: And, you know, there's the other things, avoiding vulnerability or staying emotionally distant, you know, staying busy all the time.
14:35
Daniel Moore: That's one thing I've heard several times with marital with couples that are having problems.
14:40
Daniel Moore: Uh sometimes something you'll you'll hear that's really common is well, the husband, when he comes home from work, he just sits in the garage all night to avoid everybody.
14:48
Daniel Moore: And at bedtime he comes up, takes a shower, and go to bed.
14:50
Daniel Moore: Or the wife, she'll end up in the bedroom reading a book all night long to stay away from her husband.
14:55
Daniel Moore: You know, that emotional distance stuff starts taking place.
14:58
Daniel Moore: And Michelle and I, we've seen that before in couples.
15:02
Daniel Moore: So that's things that we have to be careful of because that does not create safe spaces.
15:07
Daniel Moore: Right.
15:07
Daniel Moore: That doesn't create some, you know, if me and you're going through that, can you talk to me?
15:12
Michelle Moore: No.
15:13
Daniel Moore: I can't really talk to you either because we we just have issues there.
15:16
Daniel Moore: So let's look at some defenses that get put into place because you may, as we go through this conversation already, you might be thinking, well, you know, I maybe I have some of this going on in my life, but maybe we've not nailed it just yet with what exactly is going on in your situation.
15:32
Daniel Moore: So let's look at look at some items here that we can do to putting ourselves into defensive mode.
15:38
Daniel Moore: And the first, what's the first one there?
15:41
Michelle Moore: Build emotional walls.
15:42
Michelle Moore: The second one is maintain shallow relationships, use humor to distract people from seeing the real person.
15:50
Daniel Moore: And some people we like to veg out in front of the TV or the computer nonstop.
15:55
Michelle Moore: Or you can spend countless hours on social media or playing video games.
15:59
Daniel Moore: We can also use anger to control others from getting too close to us.
16:04
Michelle Moore: And we can overly in invest in children, work, or hobbies.
16:09
Daniel Moore: And we talked about that before.
16:10
Daniel Moore: Yep.
16:11
Daniel Moore: Because when you have kids, it's real easy to let them take the the front row and push the spouse behind.
16:18
Daniel Moore: And both spouses, when they do that, the kids become the priority.
16:23
Daniel Moore: And then you're you live a life of constantly chasing your kids around instead of keeping your relationship strong.
16:31
Daniel Moore: And we've talked about how that can be a problem in our past episodes before.
16:37
Daniel Moore: Uh another one is exist in a sexless marriage, which we just finished four weeks talking about.
16:44
Michelle Moore: Um, turning to food for comfort.
16:47
Daniel Moore: We can also prioritize our time with our friends so that we can stay away from our spouses.
16:53
Michelle Moore: And you can project certain personas on social media.
16:57
Daniel Moore: And we see that a lot.
16:58
Daniel Moore: Social media, the keyboard warriors, that's an easy place to hide behind a screen and act like we're somebody we're not and make our world look so wonderful and great.
17:06
Daniel Moore: Yep.
17:06
Daniel Moore: And the whole time we're sitting in seclusion somewhere in a room trying to hide from our spouse because we don't want to be around them or they don't want to be around us.
17:13
Daniel Moore: So that creates a huge issue.
17:15
Daniel Moore: Uh some of us don't talk about our feelings.
17:19
Michelle Moore: Or you can isolate, hide out in a man cave or a she shed.
17:25
Daniel Moore: You can anesthetize pain through addictions.
17:28
Michelle Moore: Or one that I can say that I truly know that you don't need to do is get involved in an affair.
17:36
Daniel Moore: Yep.
17:36
Daniel Moore: And the reason that happens is because a lot of times when there is an affair that happens, that means there's a huge disconnect between the spouses and there is a huge void there that's not being filled by the other spouse.
17:48
Daniel Moore: But yet when if somebody else comes into the picture and they start filling that void, they start being that person that's there in the place where your husband or wife is supposed to be, it's real easy to fall into an affair and put all of your time and effort into that relationship.
18:07
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
18:07
Daniel Moore: Because the other one's failing.
18:09
Daniel Moore: Another one, become self-reliant to avoid depending on anyone.
18:14
Michelle Moore: Or disappear when people get too close.
18:17
Daniel Moore: So this is a pretty good list of defensive things that you can do, but there's probably more, I'm sure.
18:24
Michelle Moore: No doubt.
18:25
Daniel Moore: There's a lot of things we can do to take up our time.
18:28
Daniel Moore: And I think a lot of this is a time issue because as spouses, we are supposed to be cherishing the moments we have with each other.
18:38
Daniel Moore: That's right.
18:38
Daniel Moore: And the time that we have together.
18:40
Daniel Moore: And when we aren't doing that, then we're putting that time and effort somewhere else.
18:47
Michelle Moore: Somewhere else, yeah.
18:48
Michelle Moore: Yep.
18:48
Daniel Moore: Um, it's not not taking place with a marital union at that point.
18:53
Daniel Moore: So the unfortunate truth is that the very tactics we use to shield ourselves from emotional pain often backfires.
19:03
Daniel Moore: These self-protective behaviors take a heavy emotional toll and create distance between spouses.
19:10
Daniel Moore: When walls go up, intimacy breaks down.
19:13
Daniel Moore: It's incredibly hard for your partner to draw close when you're hiding behind defenses.
19:17
Daniel Moore: Over time, this leads to a marriage that looks more like two respectful cohabitants than a loving, emotional, connected couple.
19:25
Daniel Moore: Whenever we do these kinds of things and it backfires on us, um, usually that's because a lot of those things in that that we just talked about in that list, they're negatives.
19:39
Daniel Moore: They are negative things that we are allowing ourselves to be a part of in our relationship.
19:44
Daniel Moore: And so that's that's not something that you want to be taking place in in your marriage.
19:49
Daniel Moore: Some spouses truly desire deeper connection and openness, but feel unable to let their guard down because the relationship doesn't feel emotionally secure.
19:57
Daniel Moore: It's like the old joke the insurance agent told His client, your paperwork is all correct except for one detail where it says relationship to Mr.
20:06
Daniel Moore: Smith, you wrote strained.
20:08
Daniel Moore: You should have written wife.
20:11
Daniel Moore: That is pretty funny.
20:14
Daniel Moore: Humor aside, it's hard to be emotionally available when you're constantly cautious, worried about triggering an argument or misunderstanding.
20:22
Daniel Moore: Instead of feeling like your marriage is a place of rest and acceptance, you find yourself anxious or guarded.
20:29
Daniel Moore: So when you and I was going through all the stuff that we were going through, and you know, I caused a lot of disconnect with the baggage that I brought into our marriage and caused some of the issues right up front before some of the really deep stuff started happening.
20:46
Daniel Moore: As far as putting up your walls, your barriers, trying to pre protect yourself emotionally.
21:02
Daniel Moore: Um, what did you find yourself doing?
21:05
Michelle Moore: Yeah, I kind of just I mean, for myself, I started to, I know this kind of sounds weird, but I did put up my walls, and it was like I became numb.
21:16
Michelle Moore: It's like whatever you said or did wasn't going to affect me.
21:22
Michelle Moore: I wasn't going to let it, even though you did, and it ended up those walls became even bigger because then it turned into I let the anger, bitterness, and hate come in after a while.
21:37
Michelle Moore: But yeah, even with the walls built up, you can still hurt someone even more.
21:43
Daniel Moore: And I'm glad you mentioned walls because that's why we don't want to let walls.
21:49
Michelle Moore: Mm-hmm.
21:50
Michelle Moore: They're hard to get down once they're built up.
21:52
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
21:53
Michelle Moore: Yeah, absolutely.
21:54
Daniel Moore: And how cruel can you be when those walls are built?
21:58
Michelle Moore: Oh, well, it's like you become a different person.
22:00
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
22:01
Michelle Moore: And you know, you just you let that take it over because I say that.
22:05
Michelle Moore: I hate.
22:07
Michelle Moore: You let the anger, the bitterness, and um hate take you over because the walls are built so tall that love got hidden somewhere in and behind those walls, forgiveness, all that.
22:20
Daniel Moore: And I think a lot of times when we let those walls build up inside of us, we put ourselves in a mode where we're dealing with our own pain by ourselves.
22:29
Michelle Moore: That's good.
22:29
Daniel Moore: We're not allowing we're not allowing anybody else inside of us to help with that.
22:34
Michelle Moore: Well, obviously, I didn't let God I didn't let anybody else because nobody knew what was going on.
22:39
Michelle Moore: Because I let pride on top of all that, just everything just built.
22:44
Michelle Moore: And that's the reason why her relationship with Christ is, you know, extremely, extremely important.
22:51
Daniel Moore: It actually keeps us from building those.
22:53
Michelle Moore: That's right.
22:54
Daniel Moore: We can we can go through a lot of trials in life and a lot of huge storms in life and still come out on the other side bruised and battered, probably, but at least still in a better condition if we have Christ involved than if we re reject letting him be a part of it either.
23:12
Michelle Moore: Yeah, because once those walls are you're trying to take care of everything yourself.
23:16
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
23:17
Daniel Moore: And I think that drives a lot of people to making very rash decisions.
23:22
Michelle Moore: Bad decisions.
23:23
Daniel Moore: And making making bad choices and doing things they shouldn't be.
23:27
Michelle Moore: Yes.
23:27
Daniel Moore: And of course, it also does not allow you that opportunity to work on the relationship between the spouses.
23:33
Daniel Moore: And so we know that it's hard when one spouse has the walls built and the other one, if they have walls built also, it's really almost impossible at that point for those two spouses to reconcile.
23:46
Daniel Moore: And so the easier thing a lot of times seems to be just to go opposite directions.
23:51
Michelle Moore: Well, and especially, you know, speaking from if you've been married before and you've been in a situation that was kind of somewhat similar, and you had walls that had been put up before, and you drop those walls, and then the second marriage you come along, and then you find yourself back in that same situation, and it's like I let that person take those walls down, and here we are again.
24:14
Michelle Moore: It's harder to get those walls down the second time than when you have been married previously.
24:20
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it is.
24:21
Daniel Moore: It's almost like it becomes a repetitive thing, and probably there's a lot of self-blame that goes on at that point because there does come a point where some people, because of their personalities and the way that they are, they start thinking, I must have a problem.
24:36
Daniel Moore: What's wrong with me?
24:37
Daniel Moore: You know, it's like, and then they start going into self-pity mode, and then you got the opposite side of that where some spouses want they go full-blown, full blame on the other spouse, you know, and just start giving them all kinds of grief.
24:51
Daniel Moore: And in all in probably in most cases, it's probably two-sided, right?
24:56
Daniel Moore: You know, both sides are at fault.
24:58
Daniel Moore: Um, but it can definitely put people in a very dangerous place emotionally, and really it's hard to create that safety in your relationship with all that going on.
25:09
Daniel Moore: So while there are countless missteps that can lead to emotional shutdowns in a marriage, you know, we've seen a few repeated patterns that tend to do the most damage.
25:28
Daniel Moore: To better understand what makes people close off emotionally, hundreds of couples were asked a simple but revealing question.
25:35
Daniel Moore: What makes you feel emotionally unsafe in your marriage?
25:40
Daniel Moore: Well, the answers that they gave gave some really powerful insight into the real barriers keeping couples from fully opening their heart to one another.
25:48
Daniel Moore: So we've got a list here of some of the top responses and the behaviors that make a marriage feel unsafe.
25:55
Daniel Moore: So, Michelle, why don't you go ahead and share those with us?
25:58
Michelle Moore: Being criticized, and that was number one, being physically threatened, intimidated, or abused.
26:06
Michelle Moore: You may be uh feeling put down or belittled when your spouse emotionally withdraws, hurtful jokes or sarcastic comments are at your expense, having your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions judged, being ignored or minimized, feeling controlled, or being verbally attacked, when your spouse intensely defends himself or herself, or being yelled at or spoken to with harsh words, when promises are broken, being incessantly nagged.
26:48
Michelle Moore: I could have been that way a couple times or two.
26:52
Daniel Moore: Possibly.
26:53
Michelle Moore: When your spouse shares private information without your permission, having your past mistakes repeatedly brought up, when your spouse doesn't listen, feeling unloved, rejected, or abandoned, and when you don't get the benefit of doubt, being deceived, feeling disrespected, or being embarrassed or humiliated in front of others.
27:20
Michelle Moore: If you ever did that, I'm gonna punch you in the face.
27:23
Michelle Moore: Suffering a betrayal or infidelity, or when affection or sex is withheld or used as a weapon, feeling like your opinion doesn't matter, when your spouse is unwilling to admit he or she is wrong or seek forgiveness, being forced to do something that you're uncomfortable with when your spouse tries to fix you.
27:52
Michelle Moore: I love that one.
27:53
Michelle Moore: When your needs are dismissed as unimportant.
27:57
Daniel Moore: So that's a lot of good stuff.
27:59
Daniel Moore: It's actually really good.
28:00
Daniel Moore: And it's a lot of stuff you and I both can personally relate to.
28:05
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
28:05
Daniel Moore: Um just looking there at some of the very first ones, you know, some of your past relationship that you had, you I know there was some put-downs, belittling.
28:15
Daniel Moore: Uh I've seen couples around us that do the hurtful jokes, the sarcastic comments at the other spouse's expense.
28:26
Daniel Moore: And I think, you know, that one there really irritates me.
28:29
Michelle Moore: I'm sure I honestly all these I have experienced.
28:34
Daniel Moore: You've probably experienced all of them.
28:35
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's very common, I think, a very common list that probably anybody that's listening right now can probably relate to at some point or other in your marriage or your relationships.
28:47
Daniel Moore: But I do I think one thing that does really irritate me for sure when I see it happen is when and this seems to happen more so from the guy side, the guy making the comments about the wife.
29:02
Daniel Moore: Um, but they'll have their friends around or whatever, and they'll do, you know, sarcastic comments or jokes at the expense of their spouse.
29:10
Daniel Moore: And stuff like that just burns me up.
29:14
Daniel Moore: Honestly, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
29:16
Michelle Moore: It does.
29:16
Michelle Moore: I just I feel like it's happened in front of us, and he's just like, uh, I don't like this at all.
29:22
Daniel Moore: I just want to leave the room.
29:23
Daniel Moore: I feel so embarrassed for the person that's being made fun of, and I can only imagine if I feel that way, and it's not even me that's those dire those uh remarks are being directed to.
29:34
Daniel Moore: I can only imagine uh what she felt like.
29:36
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, and there's just no no reason for that.
29:40
Daniel Moore: Now, if you're in a relationship where both spouses like to joke around a lot, they clown around, they've they've got the happy party personalities or whatever, you may tease each other that way.
29:55
Daniel Moore: But as long as you both know that you're doing it lightheartedly and you're just having fun with it, that's a little different.
30:01
Michelle Moore: But does other people with other people it depends?
30:04
Michelle Moore: I mean, it I guess if it it would be okay is if it it was between the two of you joking around.
30:09
Michelle Moore: But if you were in a room of other people, I don't know what that would be because some people wouldn't consider that and then they'd be like, Did you hear that?
30:17
Daniel Moore: You know, it's possible, but I think if the other spouse knew that they were joking, they're probably gonna rib them back.
30:23
Daniel Moore: So I think you'll probably just see the playful banter between the two.
30:27
Daniel Moore: That doesn't make me feel so uncomfortable when I when I see that they're just playing with each other and having some fun, but you can tell they truly love each other, you know.
30:36
Daniel Moore: But the other part, yes, I hate it.
30:39
Daniel Moore: But yeah, there's just there's a lot of things there.
30:42
Daniel Moore: And if if you relate to any of those things that we just talked about there in that list, then this episode's for you because that means you've probably got a safety issue uh right now in your relationship.
30:56
Daniel Moore: And so with that list that we just shared, it might be something obvious from it, or it might be something subtle, like the tone of voice, or that certain negative look, a shake of the head, rolling of the eyes.
31:10
Daniel Moore: But when we encounter these wrongs, we feel unsafe and instantly go into fight or flight mode.
31:15
Daniel Moore: We counterattack or we withdraw.
31:18
Daniel Moore: And we've been through the conversation, the communication stuff several times on this podcast.
31:24
Daniel Moore: And the that uh line that we just shared there is communication.
31:28
Daniel Moore: The negative looks, the shaking head, the rolling eyes, the tone of voice.
31:32
Daniel Moore: As we said many times, communication is not just talking.
31:35
Daniel Moore: That's right.
31:36
Daniel Moore: Communication includes any kind of interaction you have with another person where they can tell that you're communicating with them in a positive or negative manner.
31:45
Daniel Moore: So that's stuff that we have to watch for because that can again, if you do any of this stuff, your spouse says something, you roll your eyes at them, or you shake your head and blow them off like they're stupid.
31:56
Daniel Moore: What does that do to your safe spot?
31:58
Michelle Moore: I always laugh because if you say something and I just kind of look at you, you're like, What?
32:03
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
32:03
Michelle Moore: And I'm like, nothing.
32:04
Michelle Moore: He's like, no, there is something.
32:06
Michelle Moore: And I'm like, no.
32:08
Michelle Moore: And he's like, no, just spit it out.
32:10
Michelle Moore: And it's funny because you don't realize sometimes the look on your face really defines how you feel.
32:17
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
32:18
Michelle Moore: Or, you know, and he can read me like a book, and I'm just like, and there has been one or two times where there really wasn't anything, but for the most part, he knows me so well.
32:27
Michelle Moore: It's like, I'll just kind of it's not like an evil look or anger look, it's just a look.
32:34
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
32:34
Daniel Moore: And if you don't believe that it can happen, get your spouse and sit down at a table some night when you don't have nothing else to do, and sit there and just use facial expressions.
32:45
Daniel Moore: Don't say a word, just use facial expressions, and you would be amazed how you can carry on a conversation with fate your face.
32:54
Daniel Moore: I mean, I heard this once on a podcast, and I had that visual in my mind while they were talking about it, and I'm like, that is so true, because you can almost say anything with your face, you know, go get this over there.
33:08
Daniel Moore: I mean, there's a lot of things you can motion with your head or face and get it across what you're asking.
33:13
Daniel Moore: And so if you can do that just in a fun, joking manner, then can't you chew somebody out with your face?
33:20
Daniel Moore: Absolutely.
33:22
Daniel Moore: Um there's a lot of different ways that you can communicate what you're trying to say to a spouse.
33:29
Daniel Moore: So you have to be super careful with how you do that.
33:32
Michelle Moore: I'm trying to give him a serious look right now.
33:35
Daniel Moore: Yeah, I'm I'm starting to worry about my safe space here because I I think it's going bye-bye.
33:41
Daniel Moore: So yeah, that's just some things to keep into mind.
33:45
Daniel Moore: We don't want to get into that fight or flight mode.
33:47
Michelle Moore: No.
33:47
Daniel Moore: That's not a place you want to be because that's then making you have to make a choice for your inner stability.
33:54
Michelle Moore: Right.
33:54
Daniel Moore: And you don't want to be in that spot.
33:57
Daniel Moore: So when this takes place, and we've been talking about the closed heart and the heart shutting down, and you might be thinking, well, if I'm going through all this stuff and I've actually had a lot of this stuff in this list happen to me, and I do feel like I'm shut down right now and I'm not being open with my spouse, but how do I know that my heart has for sure shut down?
34:18
Daniel Moore: Well, uh, we've got some some things here to look for.
34:22
Daniel Moore: So, Michelle, won't you share those with us?
34:24
Michelle Moore: Little or no eye contact.
34:26
Michelle Moore: You can do uh negative body language, whether your arms are folded or crossed, or you could be glaring or pounting, um, or possibly just silence or withdraw, disconnecting relationally and physically, leaving the room.
34:44
Michelle Moore: Or you can be bitter or have bitterness and resentment.
34:49
Michelle Moore: Or I like this one anger, whether it may be yelling or intimidation.
34:54
Michelle Moore: And anger to me, sometimes when it says yelling, you don't really even have to yell sometimes.
35:01
Michelle Moore: Your voice can just elevate.
35:03
Michelle Moore: Yeah, and you can start seeing that.
35:05
Daniel Moore: So um escalation of the voice, yeah.
35:08
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
35:08
Michelle Moore: So harshness or acting cruel or just refusing touch.
35:14
Michelle Moore: Or you could be insensitive or callousness, um, selfishness, or here's a good one, unwillingness to forgive.
35:24
Daniel Moore: It's a bad one.
35:25
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
35:25
Michelle Moore: Um, emotional dissonance or coldness, um, and despair and hopelessness.
35:32
Daniel Moore: And not only can you look for these in your own self, but this is a good way too to gauge if your spouse has shut their heart down.
35:39
Daniel Moore: And of course, we do not want to encourage you in this in talking about this to look at your spouse and start trying to give them the evaluation list here and then start pointing it out.
35:53
Daniel Moore: Okay, you're angry and you're refusing my touch and you're this and you're that.
35:57
Daniel Moore: Start criticizing them because guess what?
35:59
Daniel Moore: Their heart's gonna shut down even more.
36:01
Michelle Moore: Don't want that.
36:02
Daniel Moore: You don't want that at all.
36:03
Daniel Moore: You're trying to fix this issue, you're not trying to make it worse.
36:06
Michelle Moore: That's all right.
36:07
Daniel Moore: Um, but it's good to know though, what that list is of signs, and there's more signs that can go with those, those are just a small portion of things to look for.
36:16
Michelle Moore: Those are really, really good.
36:17
Daniel Moore: But they're they're good ones to really kind of open up your heart a little bit to see how you might be feeling at that moment or how your spouse may be feeling at that moment.
36:27
Michelle Moore: And did you feel any like when you as I was reading those, do you remember the time when you felt those or some of them?
36:34
Daniel Moore: Yeah, I did because you know, there's a lot of those things that because my heart was shut down, uh we probably didn't have a whole lot of eye contact.
36:44
Daniel Moore: No.
36:45
Daniel Moore: We're trying to stay away from each other.
36:46
Daniel Moore: Uh we did have negative body language when we were fighting and having arguments, which there was, you know, and in that one also was anger, selfishness, bitterness, resentment.
36:58
Daniel Moore: There's a lot of things that go into when you're having an argument.
37:01
Michelle Moore: Uh-huh.
37:01
Daniel Moore: Several of those items can fall into that one one thing.
37:04
Daniel Moore: Uh then, of course, insensitivity or callousness.
37:08
Daniel Moore: That's a that's a bad one because that's when your spouse gets to a point where they can say anything and everything to you that's hateful and not not regret it.
37:17
Daniel Moore: They truly mean what they tell you.
37:19
Michelle Moore: I was there.
37:20
Daniel Moore: Yes.
37:21
Michelle Moore: And it that is a very scary place, let me just tell you.
37:26
Daniel Moore: Yeah, I think that's almost to the point of no return if you let it get to that point a lot of times, because it's it's hard to win your spouse back when they truly feel that way about you.
37:37
Daniel Moore: And so there's a lot of things there in that list that, and of course, the unwillingness to forgive, we can't get anywhere if we're not going to have forgiveness.
37:46
Daniel Moore: There's just no way around that one at all.
37:49
Daniel Moore: And that's why in the Bible it's mentioned so many times, and that's you know, the the very foundation of a lot of what Jesus talked about in the gospel.
37:57
Daniel Moore: Um, it all rotated around forgiveness and forgiving other people.
38:01
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
38:02
Daniel Moore: And if we don't forgive other people for what they've done and truly mean it, it's very hard to be serious in that relationship and for you to work things out.
38:13
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
38:13
Daniel Moore: So that's a a few good signs to watch for when you're trying to decide if you have your heart shut down or not.
38:21
Daniel Moore: So as we close this week, a shutdown heart is relationally risky.
38:45
Daniel Moore: You know, in my situation, when my own heart is closed off, I start becoming overly critical or defensive.
38:51
Daniel Moore: I'm really good at going into defensive mode.
38:54
Daniel Moore: Michelle can vouch for that.
38:56
Daniel Moore: I know I'm not a safe presence in my marriage at that point.
38:59
Daniel Moore: In that state, I'm more focused on managing my internal discomfort than considering Michelle's feelings or well-being.
39:06
Daniel Moore: It's easy to lash out or withdraw, not out of cruelty, but because I've lost sight of the bigger picture.
39:13
Daniel Moore: When we're emotionally closed off, it's like a turtle pulling into its shell or a pill bug curling up tight.
39:19
Daniel Moore: That's in little rolly pulleys.
39:21
Daniel Moore: Whenever they roll up, and you can't see nothing anymore except that little bitty ball.
39:27
Michelle Moore: Only you would bring that up.
39:28
Daniel Moore: Rolly polies rolled up tight.
39:30
Daniel Moore: We can't see the world clearly outside of your our own pain.
39:33
Daniel Moore: Everything becomes dark and distorted.
39:36
Daniel Moore: King David described this experience in Psalm 40, verse 12, when he admitted that he could no longer see clearly because his troubles had overwhelmed him.
39:46
Daniel Moore: That's just an interesting thing to think about in our life when we can't see anything that's going on around us because we have so much negativity, troubles, and problems going on in our life, that's all we focus on.
39:58
Daniel Moore: Just like David.
39:59
Daniel Moore: When our hearts are unsettled or overwhelmed, we become disoriented.
40:03
Daniel Moore: Our ability to think clearly disappears and we rely solely on logic stripped of compassion.
40:09
Daniel Moore: That's when we start making head decisions without any heart involved.
40:13
Daniel Moore: And we can easily justify harmful actions or reactions convinced that they make sense in the moment.
40:19
Daniel Moore: It's why good, well-meaning people are sometimes capable of deeply hurtful behavior when their hearts are closed.
40:26
Daniel Moore: Or I didn't think she had that in her.
40:33
Daniel Moore: Well, sadly, when we shut down emotionally for too long, our hearts begin to calcify.
40:38
Daniel Moore: They don't just close, they harden.
40:41
Daniel Moore: After walking alongside couples in crisis, we've learned this one truth again and again.
40:46
Daniel Moore: Harden hearts, not just surface problems, are what ultimately destroys relationships.
40:52
Daniel Moore: As Max Lacato once pointed out, a hard heart not only damages your life, but impacts everyone around you.
41:00
Daniel Moore: Jesus Himself addressed this in Matthew 19.8 when he explained that divorce came about not because it was meant to be that way, but because of hardened hearts.
41:09
Daniel Moore: That was never part of God's original design for relationships.
41:14
Daniel Moore: The encouraging part a closed or hardened heart isn't permanent.
41:18
Michelle Moore: Praise the Lord.
41:19
Daniel Moore: With time and willingness, hearts can reopen and soften again.
41:23
Daniel Moore: But restoration has to start with your own heart.
41:28
Michelle Moore: So good.
41:28
Michelle Moore: So good.
41:29
Daniel Moore: And you can validate that.
41:31
Daniel Moore: Yep.
41:31
Daniel Moore: Because 100%.
41:32
Daniel Moore: Because at one time you told me to run my jeep into a cliff and kill myself.
41:37
Daniel Moore: And here we are now doing a marriage podcast.
41:40
Daniel Moore: I wonder how did that happen?
41:42
Michelle Moore: It's so crazy because when you say that, I just cringe because it's like, who was that person that would say something so mean like that?
41:49
Michelle Moore: And it's like, Michelle, it was you, you know, and it's like, who was that person?
41:53
Michelle Moore: But I'm so thankful that God turned everything around and literally changed my heart.
42:03
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
42:04
Michelle Moore: I mean, you know, if you really think about it, God sees you as someone um in his own image.
42:10
Michelle Moore: And if that heart's closed off, you're not even looking at his image anymore.
42:15
Michelle Moore: You're looking at your own.
42:16
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
42:17
Michelle Moore: And if you close that wall, you become someone totally that that God did not intend you to be.
42:22
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
42:22
Michelle Moore: And that's who I was.
42:24
Michelle Moore: I don't even know who I was.
42:25
Michelle Moore: And and I look back and I still to this day I'm like, okay, God.
42:29
Michelle Moore: I mean, I was very selfish and I chose to to live my life for nobody but me.
42:35
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
42:35
Michelle Moore: And because I allowed so much into my heart, um, instead of praying and seeking him, it was literally a selfish decision.
42:44
Michelle Moore: But every time you say that, like, or even I say it, it's like people look at you and it's like, I can't believe she'd say something like that.
42:52
Michelle Moore: And I'm like, I don't know.
42:53
Michelle Moore: I don't know who that person is.
42:54
Michelle Moore: We know Michelle.
42:56
Michelle Moore: It's like and trust me, people, like when he says things, it's like, oh, I just like, but thank you, God, forgiving me.
43:04
Michelle Moore: And thank you to my husband for forgiving me.
43:07
Michelle Moore: And you know, restoration.
43:11
Daniel Moore: Yep.
43:11
Michelle Moore: I mean, that's just the word that just always I'm so thankful for it.
43:15
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
43:16
Michelle Moore: Not just with my marriage, but with God.
43:18
Daniel Moore: I agree.
43:19
Daniel Moore: It's not a good place to be when you're so angry that you would treat someone so badly.
43:26
Daniel Moore: It's just that's not how God wanted it to be.
43:28
Daniel Moore: And when you say, you know, you sometimes look at yourself and wonder how to ever get to that place.
43:34
Daniel Moore: You know, we all know who instigates that.
43:38
Daniel Moore: You know, when we let Satan get a toehold, then he can make us do some things that we never even thought was possible.
43:46
Daniel Moore: You know, Dr.
43:47
Daniel Moore: Jekyll, Mr.
43:48
Daniel Moore: Hyde.
43:48
Daniel Moore: I mean, it's you just see both two different sides of two different people when he gets involved in everything.
43:53
Daniel Moore: And that's why it's so important, like we was talking earlier, to keep Christ first.
43:57
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
43:58
Daniel Moore: And make sure that you you can walk in, you're already walking in victory when you keep Christ in the middle of everything.
44:04
Daniel Moore: And that being the case, it makes it a lot harder for us to fall into these situations because we're going to God for that restoration and for those answers and for Him to draw us back closer together.
44:16
Michelle Moore: That's right.
44:17
Daniel Moore: So have anything else to add to this week's?
44:19
Michelle Moore: No, that's so good.
44:21
Daniel Moore: It's been a really good episode.
44:22
Daniel Moore: Next week, when we come back, we're going to talk about healing your heart.
44:26
Daniel Moore: If it's hardened up like that and it's not soft anymore, we're going to talk about doing that.
44:32
Daniel Moore: And there's four steps that we're going to talk about to go through to reestablish that safety and that safe spot in your marriage.
44:40
Daniel Moore: So we'll be looking forward to that.
44:42
Daniel Moore: So we're going to go ahead and call it good for this week, though.
44:46
Daniel Moore: And don't forget that if you want to catch next week's episode, you need to subscribe.
44:50
Daniel Moore: If you're not subscribed, you won't get the notifications when they release, and then you're stuck searching around trying to see if it's released or not.
44:57
Daniel Moore: So please subscribe and share.
44:59
Daniel Moore: If you know of anybody that's going through a marriage like what we've been talking about over the last month, needs some restoration in their life, uh, needs a marriage reset.
45:08
Daniel Moore: These episodes are for them.
45:10
Daniel Moore: And anybody that you know of, please share these to them so that hopefully they can reach some of the rewards as well in having a better marriage as they listen to the episodes and maybe something will resonate with them.
45:22
Daniel Moore: You can reach out to us on the website at connectingthegap.net.
45:25
Daniel Moore: There is a form there, marriage life and more gets to the same spot.
45:30
Daniel Moore: Uh fill that out or email us at Daniel at connectingthegap.net if you'd like to uh get a hold of us and share something with us.
45:37
Daniel Moore: We'd love to hear from you.
45:38
Daniel Moore: But for now, we're gonna go.
45:40
Daniel Moore: That's all for this week.
45:41
Daniel Moore: And as we go, we do pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
45:46
Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.