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Should you feel guilty over leaving your boyfriend? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hello there, this is Doc David with Head Shrink Inc., and I'm back.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I took a, I think, two or three week hiatus from recording, and now I'm back.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we're gonna talk about an email that I received about a woman who feels guilty in a relationship.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, welcome back.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's Doc David with Headshrink Inc.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And let me tell you a little bit, if you're just joining us for the first time, this is who I am.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: So I am a marriage and family therapist with a PhD in psychology, and I work with families of all sorts.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: I work with couples of all sorts, and one of the things that I have found in my uh 16 plus years of working with people is that people just people usually want the truth spoken to them.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: They pay uh good money to people like me, and a lot of times they don't get that truth spoken to them.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: They kind of go for months and even years, and they just kind of stay stuck.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things that I um kind of pride myself on, and it it it's some people don't like it, some people do, um, is I just I like to tell things straight.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: I I like to keep things very honest and direct with people, with humor as well.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because I think it's from my perspective, it's more um respectful to give people very direct information when they ask me a very direct question.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so that's why a lot of times what I do on this podcast is I answer questions that um listeners send into me.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And um, so the the the question that I've got sent today is from someone named L, like the letter L.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's a capital L.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So here I'll I'll read the question and then uh give you an answer.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um Hello, thanks for reading my question.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I've been with my partner for nearly six years.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: He has been married before and has a child from that marriage.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: He abhors his ex-wife.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: There's not enough hate in this world to describe how he feels towards her.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Now that's kind of scary that he's has that much hate.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: At any rate, it's been a very challenging component of our relationship.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm tired of hearing about what games she's tried to play with him, how she uses the children against him, etc.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I cannot help these situations.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: He refuses to pursue action because he's convinced that she will always win the battle no matter what.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's always a fight, and they've been more frequent and common in the past while.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: My problem is what my partner has said to me.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Each time we have a major fight, he expects I'll leave.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: However, he says if I do, it will uh be upsetting to the children.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: She would never get over me leaving, and it would be my fault if I left and she was upset.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: We are quite close, which makes it harder to hear this.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: The relationship is not good with the husband, I'm assuming, um, or boyfriend, but I can't leave.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: I feel too guilty.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um he's made it so clear that if I do that, I'm a horrid person that will ruin this child's life, but he will do nothing to change the din dynamic because he feels that his ex-wife is punishing him.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Therefore he is the victim and everyone must tiptoe around him.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Uh what can I do?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, there's lots of things you can do.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the easy thing I think you can do, Elle, is you can just leave.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um one of the things one of the words that you talk about is this word guilt.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: And guilt guilt is a strong word.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I mean it it's a strong emotion.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's something that gets people to do things that they normally wouldn't do.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: And usually when I hear the word guilt, um in the relationship world, I think guilt is implying that they're that you're doing something wrong.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so I I think about that through I think about what you've written me here, and I think is leaving this situation wrong.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I actually don't think it is wrong to leave.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now, is it gonna be hard for this young girl?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, it's probably gonna be hard for the young girl, but it's probably hard that there's been a divorce, and so stay, in my opinion, staying in the relationship simply because you're wanting this girl to not have sadness in her life is not a good enough reason to stay in the relationship.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, what I often tell people is that when you're in a shack up relationship with somebody, that's the pro that right there tends to be a problem, especially if there's kids, because usually in my mind there's not really much investment like the people that like a lot of people do with a marriage.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I I often get pushback from that.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh, I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I'm committed to prove that I'm committed to somebody.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I I agree with that to some point, but what I found over and over again is that the time and effort it takes to get engaged, have a fiance, plan a wedding, um, tolerate in-laws, tolerate um moms and dads who want to be involved in the wedding, that does something for a relationship that just simply moving in with somebody doesn't do.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I think there's a there's been a lot of studies in the past that have shown that people that live together are more likely to end up divorced if they do get married.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: And that changed a little bit, but I think I saw some research recently that that's come back around where if you live with somebody and then get married, you have a higher chance of divorce.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I I would say part of the reason here is that there's no investment in the marriage.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now, hear me out on this because I'm about to say something that sounds a little bit weird, but I actually think that your partner is still in his mind um married in a way to his ex.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because if if you think about it, he's at the opposite end of a relationship spectrum.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're in a relationship with somebody, let's say you're married to them, and you're in this, oh, I love this person phase, and you're huggy and you're kissy, and you're doing nice things for one another, that's one end of the spectrum.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Now you go to the opposite end of the spectrum and you're hating the person, you're trying to make their life miserable, you have nothing good to say about them to others, and you just wish that they were not on this planet.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's the other end of the spectrum.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the common theme in both uh ends of that spectrum is emotion.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um in the in the one end where there's the love and the the lovey-dovey feelings, there's emotion there that is invested in that other person.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um what you describe is the other end of the spectrum of this hate and this irritation and this annoyance, there's a lot of emotion there as well.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think in reality, your boyfriend is still emotionally invested in his ex and he's not willing or he doesn't realize it that he that that's happening to him.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so he's essentially I think he's stuck, right?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: So he's unable to get out of this emotional relationship that he's been out of for at least six years, because that's how long he's been with you.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um so my my suggestion is that he needs to go see a therapist and and and you need to potentially let him know that you're gonna be leaving the relationship if things don't change.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um just because he says you will be a bad person for leaving does not make it true.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I think deep down you know that, but you feel bad for this child.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And that's that's good.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that shows that you have compassion, but I honestly don't think you should be stuck in this relationship simply because you feel bad for a six-year-old girl or however old she is.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think that if that behavior continues of this emotional attachment to the ex-wife that's just a horrific attachment, that child, when they're older, they're gonna leave when they can because they're not gonna want to be around a father who is just so emotionally distraught every time his ex-wife does something that he can't manage.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, deeper down, I think this interaction, again, like I said earlier, shows that he's still emotionally connected with her.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And are you okay with that?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because it sounds like you're sharing a relationship with another woman, and that other woman is the ex.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you said that to him, he would absolutely deny it, I'm sure.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: But I usually tell people, don't pay attention to the words, pay attention to the actions.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And the actions that you describe here are actions that say, hey, I'm still kind of involved with my ex.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's in a really horrible negative way, but I'm still involved.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so my suggestion to you is you let him know, don't threaten.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you just give him information, say, if this doesn't change by this time in two or three months, I'm gonna need to move on with my life.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't move on with your life, this is your life for the next 20 years.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: No, think about that.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's your life for the next 20 years.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: This upset man who can't get over things that his ex is doing.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to be in a relationship like that?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: No, you don't.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: This would be a horrible relationship to be in.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So he's stuck, and I think you're stuck because you feel bad for a six-year-old.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And or I'm sorry, I don't know if she's six, but you feel bad for a young child.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Which is fair and which is great, and I think you could leave the relationship but still have a relationship with that child if you wanted to.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, if you have any questions, feel free to email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: If you have any comments, please go to my Facebook page, leave uh a comment on it's a doc, it's called DocDavid on Facebook, and stay tuned.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: I will have more for you in the next week.