Latest / The Growth Project / Episode 382: Winning the Summer
Transcript
- 0:00success is not just being busy. Success is designing a summer that aligns to the things you said we're going to be important. Part of that is clarifying these are our big rocks for the summer, the things that we're going to prioritize.
- 0:16Welcome to The Growth Project, a podcast brought to you by Angelo's in the studio today. I'm Brian and joined by Doctor Miller. Louder. Welcome to the show. Oh, yeah. This temporary, lush studio over in. You know what did John wouldn't say? Things that turn out best for those who make the best of how things turn out.
- 0:36We're making the most of what we got. Never heard you offer, John. Never in your life as shock. I just I just heard I just found out who he was. Just found out who he was. Oh. No. But excited to get into this one today. And, you know, sometimes I think the topics that we cover sync up to where we are in the calendar, and sometimes they don't, you know, this one does.
- 0:59And I think there's a reason why we try to do that. We know that as a as our listeners, you're going through your day, your week or month, your year. Part of what you begin thinking about is like, well, where am I in the year and what's happening and what's current, that type of stuff. So, I don't have a song to play to, like, bring us into the summer here.
- 1:17Although what what would be the what would be the, you know, I'll throw out my first, cassette I ever Baldwins. It's great. Brian Adams, summer of 69. Oh, yeah. That's so that's what that's what. Get us here first. That's the first thing that came to mind of you, that can hear the chorus and, urge you to go and take it.
- 1:36Just go for it fully. But what what I like about this, drew, and especially doing the podcast with you because you're very intentional and thoughtful about not wasted a moment. And and it's so easy to kind of see the summer as just that gap between one school year to a next and not think meaningfully and deeply around, okay, what I like this the most, however, are the children this year they're in school.
- 1:58We'll probably have the most interaction. They may go off to camp, they may do some different things. But how do we want to look back when the summer is over and not regret that we didn't create the experiences we weren't thoughtful about? What do we want our children to grow? How do we empower them? How do they grow mentally and physically and spiritually and emotionally and relationally and behaviorally?
- 2:17And most of us are looking up it's May it's like, okay, I just had one college graduation. Personally, for me, I've got another high school graduation. There's parties all during the month of May, and before you know it, August rolls around again. And you've just been reactive to the calendar early. Yeah. So we want to talk about how do you design a summer that you feel great about meaning, as you said, it has purpose to it.
- 2:43Along the whole continuum that like, we have fun, we do things that are meaningful, we make memories. But that again, I'll come back to that word that you feel like you got purpose. Yes. Opportunity. Yeah. And, you know, even before we jump into it, one of acknowledge several things here, beginning with we know that some of our listeners don't even have kids, which, you know, so you don't think of the summer maybe.
- 3:04Is that different from, you know, the other months of the year, but maybe you could write. Yeah. You know, typically, regardless of your professional situation, summer can be a time where you have a little more margin, a little more opportunity. So maybe there's a way you could be thinking about your summer a little more intentionally than you would some other months of the year.
- 3:22And then those of you that do have kids, we realize that we kind of cover the whole gamut as far as parents go. Some folks are, both both mom and dad are working, and, this summer is kind of a headache. Yeah, because you're having to figure out what do we do with the kids? And so we want to be able to give you some thoughts, ideas for how you still make it a great summer.
- 3:44And then, there's certain scenarios where maybe both parents are not working. And this might be a really useful conversation for you because, you've got more margin than that other situation. Yeah. Put some things into play. Yeah. So I think wherever that you find you, wherever life has you, whatever hand you've been dealt, whatever stage of life you're in, I think this is a time for just to pause and reflect, like think through our growth process.
- 4:08We want to be more aware of, what are some things you can do proactively? What actions can you take, and then how can you hold yourself accountable to what you set out to accomplish? And to take the pressure off of it has to be a certain way. I think so many of us go through life just doing things the way we've always done them, the way we were raised, the way we were brought up, or living up.
- 4:29Here's what social media says you have to do. And at AMP those we're all about empowering. You decide what kind of life do you want to lead. And this is summer's a microcosm of how do we take advantage of maybe a different pace, a different feel? Yeah, yeah. One final just comment before we jump into things here. I remember, although it was a really long time ago when our kids began to get old enough to even know that summer was a thing.
- 4:55As soon as they get out of school, your kids probably did this too. They would ask me, dad, for you work the song? Yeah yeah yeah yeah and yeah, that was it. Yes, it still is. It took a while for my kids to figure out, like I didn't get out of school, you know? We were still going to work.
- 5:13Still working in the summer. Which is all the more reason to be having this conversation, right? Yeah. There's plenty of things still competing for your attention. So how do you design a great song? Yeah. All right, so let's get into it. And we kind of want our thesis question to be, this for for parents when the summer ends, how do we want our family to be different.
- 5:34And then I'll kind of attack on a little footnote here, too. What are the, the things we want to be true about how it went down, meaning? Hey, we made these memories. We did these things. We went to these places. We had we upheld these standards, whatever it is. So how do we want to be different? And what do we want to be?
- 5:52True. In terms of how it went down. Yeah, I think maybe go back to even reflect back to last summer to set the stage for a like what was last summer. Like what what do you remember? You know, and I think, you know, too many times in America that we put so much pressure on a vacation when when I know what you and I enjoyed most when our children were little, were those little moments in between the daily routine of the summer, the feel, the, they're in the pool.
- 6:18Maybe they're they're playing golf. Maybe it's just daylight savings time. We got a family with a ball game going on at night. So I think go back to last summer and just kind of ask yourself, well, what did that feel like? What did I regret, what I wish I would have done differently. And maybe that'll set the stage of how do you want to finish that sentence at the end of this summer?
- 6:36Yeah, yeah. So start with some good questions and then we want to kind of build a little bit of a framework as we go through this, begin to think about establishing some categories. Yeah. And not every family will have the same categories, nor will every family have the same number of categories. But when we say categories, what we mean are things such as relational meaning, ways in which we want to really connect.
- 7:04Yeah, some or maybe connect with others as well. Or in addition to that. Right. Another one would be emotional and mental. How how rested do we want to feel as a result of this summer? How can we develop more confidence throughout the course of this summer? And then a third mental offer would just be, you know, growth oriented.
- 7:23How do we what are some things we want to do this summer to help us grow and develop? And that could be so many different things. It could be something, something kind of fun of like, hey, we're we're gonna learn something new this summer. Yeah, we're going to, either maybe it's someone in the family, maybe it's more than one person in the family.
- 7:40Or if we're going to pick up a new skills, I'm going to learn how to do this. I'm going to learn how to whatever it is you what I think all of these categories allow you to do, it informs your decision making. You know, instead of just throwing darts and hoping our children are going to catch what we're trying to deliver that, that we have a game plan of, here's how we want to connect.
- 7:58And I know, like that relational piece drew is so important as your children, you know, age. They start speaking a different language. They have different interests, they have different priorities. And as parents, you want to make sure you have your finger on the pulse of how can I communicate in them a way that really connects, how can I speak their language?
- 8:18And I you know what my children enjoyed at six is different than what they enjoy at 16. And, you know, might Noonan says it so well. The soccer coach at Clemson about, you know, in his profession, the players have stayed the same ages. But he's changed. You know, he's the one who's aged. So he's always trying to find ways to create ways to stay relevant with this new generation.
- 8:41I think sometimes we do that a lot in our work, but maybe not enough for our families. Yeah, it's very true. It's very, very true. And so I think what's mentioned this too, as we're getting into talking about how you're setting this up, be clear from the beginning. The goal here is not to go design an extremely busy summer.
- 8:59Yeah, that is not what we're saying. You know, on the other hand, do we think that it's a great idea to just have this, like, completely blank canvas every day where you're not really trying to thoughtfully, plug in some, some, some gaps? I wouldn't recommend that, you know. No, but but to me, one of the things we know, like a great growth area for young children is the ability to develop critical thinking skills.
- 9:26And, and we've got children now that their lives are so overscheduled and over structured. You know, think about the what is one of the complaints about this generation. And they're the most over coached generation ever. And so there's a balance and routine about being overscheduled and creating some kind of structure and rhythm, and also giving them the freedom to make some decisions.
- 9:49You know, kind of narrow it down to 1 or 2. Okay. Depending on your child's age, they may be at a stage where they, they can either work or they can play a sport or they can have some, they're going to be on a swim team or they have some unstructured play. They got to get out of the house.
- 10:03It can be very simple, but empowering them to make decisions and get outside and just play on their own without you solving their problems, that could be a very worthy goal for you and your family this summer. Yeah. Yes. So the things we're talking about here of helping you kind of build your framework really kind of lead you into then what are your is a phrase.
- 10:24It's not unique to us. We've all kind of heard it. What are your big rocks? Yeah. Like how do you identify what are your big rocks. And they need to align to. You know we're saying
- 10:33success is not just being busy. Success is designing a summer that aligns to the things you said we're going to be important. Part of that is clarifying these are our big rocks for the summer, the things that we're going to prioritize.
- 10:47And it could be as simple as you asking each person in the family, hey, this summer will be successful. If yeah, it's a great question. And then that can help you identify what's important to them. And then like the concept of the big rocks is okay, which rocks or like is each person going to take ownership of and and depending on the ages of your children, depending on the stage of life you're in, everybody makes a commitment and ownership that, hey, these are important and they should be consistent with your vision for your family and the values that you want your children to understand and live by.
- 11:18Yeah, yeah. And just to give a concrete example that you might have a big rock, maybe your kids are or say, yes, an elementary age elementary school age kids. That's a really important age for kids to be learned. Responsibility. Yes. And so it might be that, hey, although it's harder during the school year for you to do tasks A, B, and C right now, guess what?
- 11:38We're going make it a chart. And my kids, you're in charge of this every week. And then maybe with your older kids it's like, hey, guess what? You're cooking dinner once a week. Yeah. And you know, things like that. But make plans where people can grow and responsibility. That only happens through doing. Yeah. And so just think if your goal is to build their self-efficacy, not their self-esteem, you give them opportunities to show that you believe in them.
- 12:01And now you got to take the pressure off of your perfectionism and the way it should be. You you got to let them figure out how to do it themselves. But one of the ways that we ruin children is we try to build their self-esteem instead of their self-efficacy and those mastery experiences by curious experiences. I think these are opportunities that you get to do in the summer, that we're going to all risk and grow in a certain area.
- 12:25Yeah. I made some mistakes in this department.
- 12:30Believe it or not, what I'm thinking about right now is, for whatever reason, I thought it was important for our kids to empty and load the dishwasher probably long before they were ready for that. Yeah. So to your point, it definitely had to add to it at first stage one was like letting go of the perfectionism, like how the dishwasher should put.
- 12:53But then then it was acknowledging that they're not ready. Yeah, yeah. And so so again, that's where having your finger on the pulse of your children like what can they do. Yeah. What are they ready to do. Yeah yeah. Meet them where they are. That's a great example. Are ready. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Just because apathy does not mean they, they can't do it just because they're apathetic.
- 13:16One of the things drew is we're talking about, you know, what a Warren Buffett say. One of the keys to successful people is knowing what to say no to. And so kind of if you clarify, hey, here, the big rocks here, the things that, hey, we're going to do to win the summer, then what are we saying yes to means we got to say no to something else and and I can fall.
- 13:36I know you're shocked. You know, like I like it all. I love, I love to say, okay, let's let's soak it all up. But that also comes at a cost. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So that goes back to what we said about a busy summer isn't necessarily a yes. The summer is a great time to say no.
- 13:56I feel like so many in the summer optional. Yeah. Right. But I don't know if they're always, like, psychologically optional. Know when you know, was it you and I that did the podcast? What are you teaching your children without the invisible curriculum? And so one of the things that we think about that happiness comes from experiences. Or you have to be able to do this or you should be able to get to do this.
- 14:19And we kind of keep pushing this happiness piece. And so you're modeling, you got to be going, going, going all the time and not realizing that it's okay to rest.
- 14:29one of the things that is normal to happen to a family during the summer is because you suddenly your whole plan and structure and routine is just blown up.
- 14:44You struggle. And I think it's normal, as you said in the month of May, can also be for like so many different yes, these end of year, you name it and you get to the on the other side of that. And I think it's normal for families to be like, I just want to leave me alone. Yeah, that's for sure.
- 15:01Yeah. Do anything or be on time for anything. Just leave me alone. And that's really normal and but maybe even, like, a good idea immediately. After that, as you begin your summer. But I wouldn't stick with that plan. So let's talk a little bit about, like, what are your thoughts on what the right type of routine is and why you need a routine without getting rigid?
- 15:23Yeah, I think that's so easy that the routine is disrupted and it's kind of all or nothing like you're saying, like the, the, the school year is the calendar and the schedule dictates the routine or the sports. And so what we see a lot of times it's all or nothing. And so then there's absolute freedom. And I always believe creativity without structural is a chaos.
- 15:44And nobody's growing. Nobody knows what anybody else is doing. Creativity within the right structure leads to freedom and innovation and growth. And so that's where you got to find that harmony of what's what's a cadence, what's a rhythm. It's like, oh, my child's so tired. He's worked so hard this summer. He just he needs to sleep until 10:00.
- 16:03And then you're setting that rhythm in that cadence of there's like next thing you know, it's July. And so I think that's I think that's what you're saying is fight that tendency to make it all or nothing and say, okay, how can it feel different without some of the extra stress and pressure? But if things are optional, what are the things that are non-negotiable, that you put some parameters in place for you and your family?
- 16:29So that reduces the the frustration that comes from unmet expectation or unspoken expectations. Yeah. And if we're just talking about simple things like something as simple as we're going to have an understanding in our house that every morning in the summer you're going to get up and you're going to move. And so yeah, that's easy if you have practice, but you might not have practice, but you're going to move, which could be so many different things that like, hey, you're going to get up in the morning and you're going to maybe you're going to go exercise, maybe you're going to move and that you're going to get going on things around the house that we
- 16:58need you to do. You're going to do laundry. You're going to go outside and cut the grass. What are you going to do? Yeah. But like every morning we're going to get up and we're going to move and immediately have some purpose and some structure for that. Yeah. And then, you know, to end the day like maybe it's a family meal.
- 17:13Yeah, maybe, maybe we're going to sit down and eat together. Maybe we're going to have a family movie night. You know, our, our nights, we're kind of those games. It was football or wiffle ball or basketball or a made up game that I created, and that was a that was part of the day. We're going to have a fun day when dad gets home.
- 17:31But I think that's it doesn't have to be complex, but there has to be some structure, right? Yeah. And just that, you know, we might even try to build some weekly rhythms to of like, hey, on Wednesdays we're going to do this. Yeah, we're going to, we're going to volunteer or do some service type thing, or on Wednesday nights we're going to have our neighbors over and we're going to order pizza, and we're going to rotate who comes over.
- 17:54So we get to there's so many things, you know, some weekly. And I think part of like the big battle that you and I had didn't have to worry about growing up is just screen time. Yeah. And, and, and parents are, well, we can overindulge our children with screen time, but but I think setting up a schedule, an expectation of screen time and and maybe you're a little bit more lax in your on the school year, but hold firm and fast.
- 18:22Feels like a podcast. Yeah yeah yeah. Know. Yes. We, Yeah, you and I are probably a little bit more old school, than the rest, but. But especially your children. What helps remove some anxiety is just knowing what's expected, and. And none of us have the willpower to make the right decision every time. And so a little bit of structure that facilitates the decision making process.
- 18:47Here are the things I have to do here. The non-negotiables no matter what. Here's what we're doing as a family. But that list has to be pretty small. Yeah, yeah. And I think all the screen time and just having some some clarity around what are the points in the day. It's a green light and you're fine to be on your device.
- 19:09And then what are the parts of the day where it isn't? And we don't want to see you looking at your phone like that, because in the absence of that, you can rack up some screen time numbers. Yeah. And I don't think that's what's best for anybody. That's not you. And, giving our opinion. That's what the literature.
- 19:25Yeah, the research supports it screens in a way. It impacts our mental emotional well-being. And and go back to what you said. How how does that impact my child's growth mentally, physically, emotionally? How does it impact our relationships? Or those are the the success factors that we talked about in the beginning, these behaviors, how does that support that or how does that take away from that?
- 19:48Yeah, yeah. So even just to kind of close the loop on this example of like building structure, if you have a very simple plan, like what if each person, your family for the summer was willing to take on kind of the challenge of, a one thing to learn, one thing to build, one way to contribute. Yeah.
- 20:10So I think I'm going to add one thing to mark the here's here are the books I'm going to read here. Right. I'm laughing about the summer reading, for my children. They did not they did not love that. No. But it doesn't have to be that. It could be. I'm going to learn how to play the guitar, learn how to play in a garden.
- 20:27I'm going to let, like, like one thing to learn, one habit to build. Those could kind of be one of the same. Yes. And the last one, is there one way to contribute? So what's my contribution going to be to the family on a consistent basis? Not in a way where mom or dad or mom and dad have to basically, you know, badger me to do what I said I would do?
- 20:49Yeah. And so to me, that's like, how do you get buy in? You know, we just think about in corporate culture, how do you give people the perception that they have a choice and you have them write it down. You have them take ownership. You catch people doing something right when they're trying to learn that task, when they're trying to build that habit, when they're contributing in a meaningful way.
- 21:09You talked about building a child's self-efficacy is letting them take ownership of, here's what I want to learn, here's what I want to build, and here's what I want to contribute. And then they do it. Yeah, I that's a that's a win for a summer in and of itself at the end. Right. So yeah just just yeah just hammer one thing.
- 21:25Yeah. Yeah. Take take everything else out and think about this. All right. Let's talk about border. You know it's normal in this summer. Happens all the time for sometimes kids. Sometimes it's parents, spouses, parents and kids to say a kind of a word. Is that good or bad?
- 21:50Well, there's a lot of different ways I can go. My first but first thought is like, where's the continuum of boredom? You know, we're in such a, oversaturated, overstimulated environment that I think the pendulum has shifted. I know what my parents response would be if I said I was bored, you know, that would be quite different on the farm.
- 22:15And off we go, South Carolina. Then maybe what my response has been, because somehow we've taken on the burden as parents to fulfill our child's happiness, to to make them never feel bored, never feel like they're less than, never feel overwhelmed, never feel anxious. We've we've we spent so much time trying to protect them that we unintentionally overscheduled them to make it for the board or boredom reduce the likelihood.
- 22:41Anybody? Yeah. Boredom prevention. Yeah. And so to me, given the brain time to think, given the brain time to rest, maybe maybe it's where we're going is worth rethinking. Boredom is how can that allow for some time just to rest and recover? Yeah, yeah, I know that in our experience with our kids and they're obviously older than they once were, but.
- 23:06I can't think of a situation where when we made when we removed the things that they wanted, such as the phone. Yeah. Like since like, hey, you have none of that. You have figure it out. They almost always move into doing something. But my reaction became that's exactly why you can't exercise. Yeah, that's really good. Yeah. Spontaneous. Whatever it was, whether it was like hey, they started, they made up this game or they decided to go knock on doors and ask if they could rake leaves or like, they just they need to figure something out.
- 23:39And it was way better than what they were doing when they absolutely got my attention. Yeah. And so to me, I think that's where boredom, drives them. But but what you did is different than what most parents. So you put the burden on them. Oh yeah. Figure it out. You figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. You put the burden on them.
- 23:57And and when parents here. I'm so bored. You know, the world we're in now, that interpretation from a career perspective is like, well, we must be doing something wrong. As a parents, we're going to fight those cognitive distortions that my child always has to be happy. They always have to be busy. They can't be bored. They can't miss out.
- 24:13If we don't challenge some of those lies we've told our self over the years, we won't ever make some of the changes you're talking about. Yeah, no, I mean, gosh, one of the most important things that parents need to do for the summer, if you think it's your responsibility for your kid to have fun all the time, that's a problem.
- 24:30Yes, it's going to be stress. Yeah. You are not responsible for your child's happiness. Yeah, that is not how you should be thinking about it. And so this harmony, you know, we talk about work life balance. True. Where there's like that word just reminds me that I'm out of balance. And so harmony is a word that kind of resonated in my heart, my mind.
- 24:50And so what we're talking about is you said earlier, can I have rules without being rigid? Can I can I find ways to connect without being overscheduled?
- 25:01This harmony that we're talking about, like a how do we how do we learn just to be present?
- 25:08What are some things like if that's a goal for the summers? Like, I just want to be more present. We talked about removing phones. We talked about creating those meaningful moments through the week, or maybe family movie night or maybe dinner. Ooh, just being present. Yeah, I think it's all about the conditions. Right. So I think, it'll come down to one of the huge one is that you've already sedative putting your phone somewhere else or creating a way for it to not be a distraction, and then creating a schedule or a plan that gives you a chance to accomplish the goals that you have.
- 25:41It being present is one of them. And that means don't overstuff the calendar. Yeah, but have a thoughtful approach to what we're trying to do and find a way for people to be born into it. And explain it. Right. So this will sound a little bit reaching in itself and mind. For the record, my intent would not enjoy this but have like a like, let's sit down as a family before the summer starts and have a conversation led by parents of like, hey guys, here's how we're thinking about the summer.
- 26:12Yeah, because if you haven't done things this way in the past, no one's going to understand what's happening and it's going to be very unfamiliar and confusing to the family. So I would suggest you here's the phrase family meeting. Yeah. Family meeting. Yeah. Family meeting. Afraid to go for the family meeting. To set this whole thing up.
- 26:33Yeah. Nothing. But it's back to you taking ownership of. How do we want it to be? What memories do we want to create? Not what the world suggests we have to have. And then having the courage to have that conversation, it's like we're going to do things a little bit different this summer. We want to be proactive. What do you want to get out of it?
- 26:50What's important for you? How do you want to grow? That. And then let's build this together and you will be amazed to watch your children take ownership and hold you accountable to it. Yeah, well, and if you need some added motivation or incentive for parents, clarity wise, this is not good news for you or me as our kids get older.
- 27:07But people probably realize this. I think it's the last numbers I saw of 93%. So 93% of the time you will spend with you to your kids will occur prior to them leaving to go to college and throughout their lifetime. Yeah.
- 27:21And so if 93% of our time is with our children before they go to college, then to me, it's then I better make the most of the time I have. Yeah. And have a plan and have a plan that I can execute so I don't look back and wish I could have when I should have. And I think that's what sticks out to me.
- 27:40And so this podcast is to encourage you to think a little bit differently of how do you want to spend your time, and are you being proactive and intentional about what lessons you're teaching your children and what do you truly value? Right. Yeah, and hopefully we want to challenge you to look at this summer as just a prime time to do those things.
- 28:06It's such a great opportunity. You think there's so many things off the table from a distraction. Yes, in the summer. And that's really the that's the point of all this is it's just such a fertile ground to do some things that are much more difficult to do when it's the school. And I love what you said earlier, and I think that's maybe my takeaway is most everything you're doing this summer is optional.
- 28:28Yeah. Now, now again your situation. Your children may have to, you know, you may both be working. It may be a really busy time. There may be a lot of demands, but there's optional activities. Like that means you have freedom to choose. And so I would just encourage you choose wisely based on how do you want the summer to be.
- 28:49Yeah, yeah. And I think just to, we realize that we talked about beginning the episode that not everybody's in the first precise situation like this. And so maybe you don't have kids and I think, you know, the what a great opportunity still to to make some memories, when you travel, whether that be, you know, I tell you, people that do have kids sure would appreciate some help.
- 29:16I. Yeah, yeah. From people that don't. Yeah. It's a great opportunity to also, offer your time in the way of service to people who could use maybe a helping hand or even, you know, for if you're single, you know, the questions we asked you, how do you want to grow this summer? What's one habit you really want to build?
- 29:38You know, this summer will be successful if these these lessons. Yeah, they apply to everybody. You know, just the lens was okay. My kids are out of school. You know, I was laughing earlier, but our clinical practice may was a time when you never saw anybody but this get everybody was gone and busy. And so we're just trying to encourage you to take ownership, be proactive.
- 29:59And be intentional about how you spend your time this summer. Yeah. So yeah. So hopefully, you everybody will be able to kind of digest and figure out what this conversation means to you. Where do you find yourself and your situation might be. And, we'll be with you through the summer. We won't be sure. Yeah, yeah.
- 30:16Yes, we are going anywhere. Because, yeah, we do still work in the summer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's never changed. So as always, drew, I appreciate the conversation. I appreciate you. Our listeners. Thanks for giving us the chance to be relevant in your life. We encourage you, please follow us on the appropriate channels. But send us any questions or thoughts you may have, what's worked for you in the summer or what hasn't worked, or topics that you might want us to discuss on the Growth project.
- 30:44So till we see you again and continue to pursue better and be better. Thanks so much.