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Dani Fontecha - Soy Lobo · Comedy Central Stand-Up

0:02
Comedy Central Podcast. Good night, good night. You have to be original.
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Even traveling, many people go to London to learn English. Not me,
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I' m original. I' ve been living in Siberia for three
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years. And in Siberia life is different. One morning I say good tonight
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for a drink, so nothing. It was daylight. Was it daylight?
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Was it daylight? Was it daylight? It was day to drink something at
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night in Siberia and a dick in Siberia is six months in a row day
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and six months in a row at night. The fifth month in a row
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of day my father called me, says Dani how about and me with a
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dream that you shit here the sunrise lasts two months. The aphonic cocks,
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a cold in Siberia, a cold, the penguins with scarf sucking thermometers.
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I' m wearing the Trevibal mp shivering. I' m going to ombar.
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I go to a bar I say give me a bottle of water,
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water tells me about the weather. Johnny de Coña, impressive not to sleep
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six months, had some shiners. I had no shiners, my eyes were
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underlined and they say. He looks rested. I say no, I look
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tired, I look like another son of a pushy shoemaker. There' s
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no room for me. There is no atmosphere in Siberia, no one echoes
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their own affairs. I mean, I' m going somewhere where there'
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s atmosphere or something. I went to China. In China they are an
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egg in China you go down the street walking and you get stuck. Besides,
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the bastards, well, they' re really weird, but what are
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you gonna expect from a guy who' s born with an amber face?
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No. In addition, the bastards adapt us to our language. They don
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' t adapt. The other day I run into one, say hello,
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tell me six and what you' re worth. Then I was in Asterdan.
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I don' t remember anything, because I' m usual. I
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started smoking too. Well, I went out of shop windows, didn'
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t buy anything I rented and then went to see my brother, who lives
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in America. He works at NASA. The other day he calls me,
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says Dan, and they' re gonna kick me out of NASA and I
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' m gonna kick you out of NASA. Normal, there' s not
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the rocket- throwing thing, but, well, that' s fine.
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That thing about us Spaniards going around the world. You' ve seen that
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Spanish show all over the world. You' ve seen it, because screwing
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you up isn' t going to be much more episodes either, because there
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aren' t so many Spaniards around the world either. However, a million
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episodes of Romanians have already been shot by Spain. The good thing about traveling.
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Many who see a lot of celebrities and are the same as the Spanish,
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the famous foreigners. It' s been a bunch of regular celebrities and
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assholes. Normals are normal. The assholes wear sunglasses from between an airport.
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For example, the captain of Madrid Gaul does not wear glasses. A normal
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guy pantoja a glasses. So every time you stop at a traffic light,
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yonkeye cleans them, then there are people who don' t asshole, but
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with eternal sunglasses. That French matías parents and man who was born at the
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age of sixty- three has always been sixty years older than transmitting football and
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bulls, bulls and football. In the end, the pot went away.
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I listen to her wearing butragueño or black, bragao, cornibleto astifino, obisco
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of the left python of the livestock of Real Madrid. I' m not
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famous, but I' m an asshole. Yeah, I can see ways.
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The other day I went to a party, with a white wig,
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with a cane, with a handkerchief on my neck and reciting poems. They
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told me I had to go for the gala and the amazing. I remember
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that party. I remember that party. At that party, I ate a
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Galician empanada It was delicious. The Galician empanada was called Virginia de Vigo.
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My grandmother told me, children, this good fucks you travez ylla granny,
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granny, where it says g granny, I have an older grandmother, tells
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me son, ale case to achieve franes do not fail everything. They'
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re telling the truth. I, as if an innocent man believed her They
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say, for example, that it' s better to try what strength.
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I agree. That' s why, in the end, I' ll
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finish it off with one from Zaragoza, because it' s easier to get
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to Zaragoza. Tona de Zaragoza you call her a wench, you feel like
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it, she says fuck Auntie. This guy' s got the way.
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You tell one of Madrid and the fuck is small. The humor to jiff
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To me it is that the humor that I like the most is the intelligent
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humor, because always you are well, the one that is smart is dissing
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and the one that does not get the grace is getting even more dissing so
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that the others do not think it is silly. But I, because I
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' m not very smart, don' t know how to make that mood.
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In all families there is a member who is a bit of a dick.
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I had the bad luck that touched me already I could see ways as
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small. My father told me what beautiful eyes you have and I came with
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my head when I became funny. He wanted me to be a billionaire.
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I was told Dani and the situation is a hundred euros plus the hotel and
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I fucking and the 200 euros for expenses. The hotel I sell. Then
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the school went very badly, although if I think about it, the school
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is not worth anything, not at all. The other day I go to
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a video club and I watch porn movie three euros and period and he'
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s already in school. I threw myself four years saying how much X is
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worth. They told me who Ramón y Cajal was and I gamón a Spaniard
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who agajan no fucking ideas. I wasn' t good at it. The
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school, however, approved why. It' s very simple, because the
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teachers, especially the English teacher, liked me so much, and I noticed
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it. I said to Dan and you know how he says nose in English
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and I don' t know and he says good you lack pronunciation and suspension,
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because it wasn' t that bad, because the day they gave you
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the notes where I lived, the day they gave you the notes, that
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day they opened the bars in the morning and for every suspense they invited you
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to a cubata that my father Dani told me, how about the notes and
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I fucking, free bar with this shit to cover with a schoolboy. They
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pictured my jobs as shit,' cause it sucks. I loved writing,
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but they didn' t publish anything to me. My poems talked about life
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itself. I have that one that says if you enter a ship in lights
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and it' s not December or January it' s clear, it'
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s not Christmas. The bar' s a potter, and if that ugly
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guy' s hooking up with you, you don' t think the ugly
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guy' s cute, it' s a house. Good bitches. I
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just haven' t. I' m Daniel Fontecha, you' ll beat
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him 30 years old and a whore who doesn' t fuck. I'
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m kidding, not if you win him well. Ap Despite all this,
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despite all this, I had a girlfriend because there' s something I do
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know and many guys don' t know. Today I know and it doesn
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' t fail. I know when you' re dwelling on an aunt,
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it doesn' t fail. They are cool or not depending on the kiss
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they write to you in the mobile message. They have a scale of importance.
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If they put you on, see you, get past you, see
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you, it means good, I like you, you' re nice,
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but what they think is go fuck yourself. We went up on a scale
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b sse they have invented them in vowels for arraigning, which is not bothering
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me to put a good aus. You didn' t come in original I
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' m sending you a kiss for looking good, but they' re thinking
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go fuck yourself. We went up phase kiss with an o, the same
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thing that there is a kiss coffee and here are songs. They have invented
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it they m a k moas with one more, with three ace and six
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ace muachco and admirations. The other one of an aunt put moascos six ace
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and admirations and in the half hour we were fucking. Plus she put her
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boyfriend Kari. I can' t meet today. See you, by the
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way, for a sub- paragraph. There are more and more spelling failures
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to shorten because of mobile messages. There are more and more misspellings. So
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I' m asking, please, from here for more control over the subject.
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Well, then, yes, then? Yeah? Well, yeah?
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Thank you. I don' t recommend online flirting because you' re being
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fooled, man. Take an aunt without a picture. I was saying I
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' m brunette and athletic. In the end it was Morena, but fat
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athletic. And I don' t want to be cruel. I don'
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t want to be cruel. If a pretty fat one, it' s
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pretty, but if an ugly fat one, no, no, because there
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' s fat ones in the gut. It tells the ztas what' s
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going to happen. That' s not it either. That' s not
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it either. I told my girlfriend the chubby, the zepelin. And that
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day, to top it off, I have a car accident. He had
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a car accident here I get serious. I, on July 4th last year,
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had a car accident. I was going with my bm ub leaves drinking
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by the m forty eight turns of bell. I fell on my feet and
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nothing happened to me. I got a cop. He tells me we'
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re taking him to the hospital. I' m really fine. It tells
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me that you' re okay, you say so, because in an accident
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there are people who say they' re okay and then they' re blown
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up inside. I thought what. Son of a bitch I insist we go
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to the hospital that besides I' m married. I finish my shift and
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my wife is home alone. I ah you' re married and you say
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yes, I am that your wife is alone at home. He says yes,
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I say well, that' s what you say, Jah, that
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' s what you say. Maybe you' re not alone and someone'
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s blowing it up through Entraajjhahahahahahaha. I had a bunch of car problems.
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The other day it happened to me with the car, the same as to
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Lord Beatle. If I were to die to lingostar, I ran out of
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battery. Unbelievable I get stopped by the police and says put the papers down.
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I' ve lost them at the drink bar that I didn' t
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hesitate and I don' t hesitate. I mean, he' s not
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this cop, by the way. I sewed and I pull the thread,
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get pissed and get out of the car low. He gives me a little
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white plastic and tells me to blow until I say it already. My question
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is when they make you blow. When the fuck he gets there, he
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never gets there. I started blowing like a platoon his old days, a
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dizzying blow I swear I don' t get a drink and say nine.
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You call me stop stop and that' s it. We' re going
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to immobilize the vehicle. I' m going to immobilize the vehicle. I
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keep looking at him, I say what hair, you have to wear to
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see him in incredible motion. When thank you, thank you very much.
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I' m not messing with people much anymore. I' ve had enough
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with my family. My father hasn' t done very well in his life
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either. His first job was on the subway that they told my mother what
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a deal with the job and he said good on his line had we had
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very little money, we bought some shitty steaks, a few nerves. My
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mother, in seeing you potatoes, would put us in valiums and buy glass
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yogurts and then take advantage of the container as a glass. Then my mother
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started getting more money from the drownings and started buying glasses. It was and
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when I started drinking by a tube. I drink a lot. I have
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a lot of problems with drunkenness, yes, I drink a lot. I
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was invited to a shot the other day. They tell me what you want
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it about and I' ll take coke tail in a ball cup, so
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don' t bring me ice. I know it' s a shot,
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I do. I have a lot of shows with the Borgacheras and also with
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the r yando whore well, yes, yes so much they have noticed.
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It' s a bitch. It' s a bitch. I don'
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t pronounce it, because if I had the dough in the car that'
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s cool with a Roice roll, I can' t buy it. The
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only car he buys me in my life I say the ranger Robert, the
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commercial jajajacá paca, I say fuck me, give me the panda. If
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I' m out Wisky, I don' t like it because I don
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' t ask for rum less, I' m lucky I' m not
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Don Juan Carlos first, if I wouldn' t be the gay of Spain.
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Of course I met her at a bar in Majorca. Al wanted to
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go unnoticed, but he didn' t make it. I asked for a
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little bitter in a little crown. I drink bitterca. Yes, I am
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I' m going to Siberia. I' m original and I also see
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bitercas. Nobody drinks it. If the glassware talked, I' d give
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him coke. I' m your menstruation. Anyway, he smoked a lot,
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too. I smoke more than philosophers. But there are people who smoked
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more than philosophers, cartoon writers. Those people did smoke. For example,
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Hediy' s screenwriter who made Peter and Heidie clear in short Manga in the
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Alps. My sister loved Heydi. I have a smaller sister. He never
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cooks. The other day I said a paella and burned it 18 years.
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She' s past her drop, and then there' s my mother,
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that my mother, like all mothers, has mother phrases. They don'
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t have a chip that, even if they can talk about it, they
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already have mother phrases. Gilipollices of the caliber of you choke and tells you
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that you' ve gone the other way. What' s the other side?
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What' s the other side? I don' t know what the
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other side is anymore, but eating. What' s the other side?
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What' s the other side? There' s no other side. Or
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it' s very good they give the melon at night it hurts. Let
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' s see what I say if you say it, daughter, why the
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hell does the melon in the night hurt? I mean, I imagine the
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antibodies in there making his life, something comes in because of the esophagus,
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you who comes in with a piece of steak, hellish creed, who doesn
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' t fucking, who loses shit, who comes in with a melon that
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time is nine. But I will not see by day, so come and
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give us a muse. I could say and he said hear my mother,
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and then there' s my grandmother, my grandmother who speaks for her elbows
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and I' m all normal. The other day I said my grandmother was
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talking about her elbows. There' s a Ijo coming up on the stage.
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He tells me it' s scientifically impossible for your grandmother to speak for
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her elbows. I' ll, then leave me alone. Time progresses,
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and my grandmother says, son, time progresses, technology progresses, but there
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are things that don' t change. Look at the toilet paper. I
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just kept thinking about it I mean, my abulilla. He' s right,
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because I wonder what' s going on in the 21st century. There
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' s everything about toilet paper, toilet paper, no, what about the
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first run of toilet paper, which we all premiered. Cut the middle to
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the right. Maybe you take one layer out of the middle to the left,
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two, it doesn' t match. Keep pulling the middle for the
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right, three layers of the middle for the left, five don' t
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match. Come on another lap. Seven layers to the right, eighteen to
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the left, twenty- three layers to the right twenty- eight to the
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left, until in the end you say pussy that I have to clean you
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stick my finger. You get it out. On the other side, you
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pull to match. You cut the ball that you pull weighs half a roll.
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Fuck me. Every time I release a roll, I end up cleaning
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with the cardboard and awesome. Well, I' ve had a lot of
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diarrhea problems this week. I' ve taken pills. I didn' t
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think of it in the end I' ve seen the solution. I ate
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a hundred and three hundred euro notes so I wouldn' t shit loose.
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Like I didn' t miss it. Seen a crucifix. I mean,
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there' s the solution. I took the crucifix. San Pancracio was like
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this. I took the crucifix, took off San Pancracio from the crucifix and
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stuck a finger of San Pancracio up my ass. Hey, Santo' s
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hand. It' s been a pleasure. Dani put on chaor ciero.
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Good night, thank you so much and never go out in the morning.
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Good night.