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The 9 Types of Personal Boundaries · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you so much for taking some of the time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: So today and for the next couple of episodes, I want to start diving back into boundaries.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I've had a few different episodes on boundaries previously, but this concept has come up with a multitude of clients.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know, I work with individuals ranging in age from even some children, but mainly teens and young adults all the way through mature adults.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And this concept of boundaries has come up more times than I can count over the course of the last few weeks but and and months really.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: It seems to be more and more of an issue that I'm noticing is this idea of, you know, especially with high high achievers and high performers and uh people who tend to be of the people-pleasing nature, boundaries seem to be a very difficult thing to set.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Many times there is a fear around setting a boundary because there's a fear of either backlash or a fear of that person leaving.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I and I heard a quote recently that said, When you set a boundary that you have not had before, the person who uh most responds to it or most has the most adverse reaction to it is the person that was taking advantage of the lack of your boundary.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, which really resonated with me because I do think that there's some truth to that, that the people who really benefit from individuals not having boundaries certainly don't want you to learn how to set a boundary.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um so today I just wanted to talk about some different types of physical boundaries just to kind of get our bearings on what different types of physical boundaries, I'm sorry, types of personal boundaries that we can have.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So the very first one is physical, physical boundaries.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is very specifically related to your own physical body as well as your own physical space.
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  SPEAKER_00: Um you get to decide how much and you want to be touched, how you want to be touched, and by whom you get to decide who's allowed in your physical personal space or whether people can can come up close to you or whether you need some personal space between you and the next person.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: That is all in the category of physical boundaries.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: There are also material boundaries, and this boundary relates to you getting to determine for yourself who has access to your material possessions.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: So for instance, you get to decide who you're gonna let into your house or who you're gonna loan books to or whether or not somebody gets to borrow your clothes.
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  SPEAKER_00: And while that may sound trivial, it's still a personal boundary.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Having the ability and the autonomy over getting to draw a line around who, what, and when your items get to be used.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Another really important personal boundary uh for all individuals, male and female, are sexual boundaries.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the boundary where you get to decide when and if you engage in sexual intimacy with somebody.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide who, what, when, where, and how.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it involves deciding what you will accept or not accept uh in terms of the actions and also the words and comments that you will you will um allow to be spoken to you.
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  SPEAKER_00: That again is a personal boundary that you have the autonomy to set.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Another category is mental boundaries.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Mental boundaries really involve you being responsible and in charge of your own thoughts.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, listening to others is absolutely important.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I do I wholeheartedly believe that we should be open to listening to other people's viewpoints.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: But a mental boundary is around giving yourself permission to decide what you think.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: That you have your own core beliefs, you have your own core values, and just because somebody disagrees with you does not mean that they get to tell you that you are wrong and that your beliefs are wrong.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: You have the autonomy to set your own mental boundaries around what it is that you think, which then bleeds into another type of physical boundary personal boundary, excuse me, uh, which is your emotional boundaries.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And this boundary is really all about you being in charge and responsible for your own feelings, and also the boundary that you set around others, which is they're responsible for their boundaries.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So it's you being responsible for your feelings and letting other people be responsible for theirs.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So while you can contribute to others' feelings, they are ultimately responsible for how they feel just as you are for your feelings.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: So when you catch yourself saying, somebody made me feel this way, that's an indicator that boundary has actually been crossed.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're in charge of your own feelings.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Likewise, you can't make somebody feel a certain way.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely you can contribute to it, but you can't actually make them feel that way.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: There is a slight side note here, which is if you are intending to be mean or hurtful and it's very intentional with how you're speaking, then maybe there is some responsibility that you would bear for somebody else feeling feeling poorly.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: However, emotional boundaries are vital to your own well-being.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: So if someone is constantly telling you how you should feel, or that your feelings are not okay, or that they're invalid, it's an indication that you might need to be setting some emotional boundaries with that person.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And also, we have to have boundaries with ourselves.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about recognizing that your feelings matter and giving yourself permission to name your feelings and to honor whatever it is that you're feeling.
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  SPEAKER_00: Another personal type of boundary is relational.
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  SPEAKER_00: And this boundary is all about how you're deciding to choose to relate to other people and who they are to you.
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  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide who you're going to invest your time and energy into.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if someone is not treating you in a way that feels good, it may be time to set that relational boundary.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So an example of a relational boundary that could get murky would be if you are working with a client and the client oversteps that relational bound.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, the client relationship shouldn't necessarily become a friendship.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it does.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the great thing about boundaries, is you get to decide and they're movable.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: They're not walls, so you can move them.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but other relational boundaries that you might want to think about setting, they happen in friendships.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: They happen in workplace, they happen in families, you know, the parent-child relational boundaries, uh, the parent-in-law uh relational boundaries.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's also spiritual boundaries.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide what your beliefs are and how you want to practice them, and setting boundaries around that and insisting that they be respected and be honored are vital to your well-being.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then one last category, actually, two, two more categories.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's financial boundaries, which is a type of boundary where you can be um uh this can be personal as well as external.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is you can have a personal boundary around setting a personal budget on how you're going to spend your money, when and where you're gonna spend your money.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you can also have external financial boundaries in terms of with others, how you are going to um, if they were to ask for money, how you would respond.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you can set boundaries with other people as well around financial issues.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then the very last one is time.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, asking how do you want to spend your time?
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  SPEAKER_00: Are you doing for others first without taking care of your own needs?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Are you adding to your plate when you actually don't have the time to complete what's already on your plate?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: People pleasing, uh, business culture, the constant need to be doing all play a part in this um issue that we face with time boundaries.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So if you find yourself doing and then feeling frustrated or feeling resentful or angry afterwards, it might be an indication that you need to set a time boundary.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And again, boundaries are personal, meaning you set them for yourself.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can have boundaries for yourself and you can have boundaries for others.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's the line that you're drawing.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then finally, just before we wrap up today's episode around boundaries, I just wanted to touch on the types of boundaries.
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  SPEAKER_00: Uh there are porous boundaries, which are boundaries that are easily pushed.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I almost would equate them to um, you know, like a um like a house, a house of cards, so to speak, where it can easily be blown down.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So porous boundaries are when we say, yes, here's a boundary, but then we easily let it go.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's a porous boundary.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: We can also have rigid boundaries, which are um completely, it's when you completely block somebody out.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's like this way or no way.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: We can't ever have a relationship unless this happens.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: So visually you can think of this as a wall.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's a wall that can't be moved and you can't see through it and you can't talk through it.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: It just kind of blocks you from the other people.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then the third one is the healthy boundaries.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So healthy boundaries are when you're able to connect with others without losing yourself or your needs.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you can express your ideas, you can hear what others are saying, but you really also honor yourself with those healthy boundaries.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So visually, if you think of it, it's more like a fence where you can see through it, you can talk through it, there's a door that swings open and closed that lets people in and out.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And also fences can be moved if need be.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the best part about a healthy boundary is you can adjust it as it's needed.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, one last word on boundaries when you're setting boundaries, it can feel awkward, it can feel uncomfortable.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And again, the people who are most likely going to have a problem with it are the people who are benefiting from you not having boundaries.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so just keep that in mind as you set forth.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we will be talking more about boundaries over the next couple episodes.
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  SPEAKER_00: So, until then, stay well.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.