Latest / Sober Readings / Wild Ride to Sobriety: From Drunken Oblivion to Profound Clarity with Ian Fee
Transcript
- Scott Hayes: Welcome back to Sober Readings, my name is Scott, I am the host, and I have got a great episode for you today. My guest today is Ian Fee, author of the book Wild Ride to Sobriety, a transformation from drunken oblivion to profound clarity. And you know it's gonna be a good book because on the front cover it's got a little boy with a fake mustache and a cigarette in his mouth holding a beer. And that little boy happens to be Ian, and I think he was eight years old when he... when this picture was taken of him. So Ian's an author, he's an entrepreneur, he's been sober since 2017. He's an advocate for personal growth, rebuilding strong family connections. He's been a guest on multiple podcasts. He does speaking arrangements. He does coaching and consulting. So he's real big in the sobriety community. Ian's website is ianfee.com. And I'm gonna read the bio for you right now from that website. Ian Fee once embraced the work hard, play harder mentality, diving headfirst into a lifestyle that celebrated excessive drinking. He started sipping beer at the age of one, bartended in the middle of nowhere at 13, built a business from the ground up in 2003, endured two failed marriages and ultimately sold his company in 2016 while fat and drunk in Vegas. Ian then reached a breaking point and began his journey to reclaim his life. This time, he rebuilt everything. His relationships, his business, and his sense of purpose, without relying on the crutch of martini lunches or wine dinners. So if you'd like to learn more about Ian, you can go to his website. It's ianfee.com. And there's a link there also to buy his book. It's also on Amazon. So I would suggest everyone go out and get that. It's a great read. I read it in about one day. So that's enough out of me. I'm going to shut up now so that you can listen to my conversation with Ian Fee. All right, so let's get started. Ian, it's ⁓ really nice to meet you. I'm really looking forward to this conversation. Thank you for joining me. I can't thank you enough for having me on. First, I want to say thank you for sending me your book. It's titled Wild Ride to Sobriety, a transformation from drunken oblivion to profound clarity. So thank you for ⁓ sending me that. I got through it and one day I couldn't put it down. It's really interesting. It's a great read. ⁓ So tell me about the, first of all, tell me about the title. Where did that come from? ⁓ I did sitting around with the kiddos and just my closest circle. And then we were looking at pictures. So the picture is actually me. eight years old in Bellingham, Washington. had six shooters, those little cap guns. ⁓ if you remember those, ⁓ that's a real banquet of beer in the picture, a real marble, not lit. Thank God. ⁓ and it's cut off. Intentionally because I also pissed my pants. So the picture is really fitting and has a lot of humor behind it That's great. And that was that was one of my questions is who is in the picture, but you explained it and that's ⁓ So so so why don't we start off? you tell us a little bit about yourself for sure? Yeah 34 years drunk in debauchery eight years sober now ⁓ three amazing kids grandbaby one on the way I live in Seattle, Washington, and a little bit of time down in Arizona. ⁓ Two failed marriages, ⁓ stories for days, ⁓ turn the corner and ⁓ trying to enjoy life every day and be better every day and make an impact. You're explaining how I live life exactly. As it should be. Yeah. ⁓ Is there any, any sections in your book since this is called sober readings, I do readings all the time, but is there any sections in your book that you'd like to go over, maybe read apart and then talk about it? There's gosh, there's such an easy read. A lot of it for me in ⁓ was stacking baby habits. When I, when I got sober and I look back now and be like, man, that was a a little bit of the easy part, and I know people think I'm absolutely crazy for saying that, but when I had to sit in my dirty diaper and feel my feelings and emotions and like clarity started kicking in and regret and all that, man, that was, because I was numbing it for so many years that I didn't even know I was numbing myself. ⁓ And then when you start getting sober and clean, all these emotions just start flooding you. And man, it was, that was a tough part for me dealing with. All the stuff that I didn't even realize I was pushing down are just absolutely numbing with alcohol. I can totally relate to that part. Let me find something here in the book. I learned to stack a lot of baby habits. So a follow up question on that. I don't mean to cut it off, but real quick, you grow up suppressing emotions? Did you grow up with a family that talked about emotions or just didn't, you You're not allowed to cry, know, that type of thing. ⁓ yeah, great question for sure. You know, my mom, everything was always okay. ⁓ Suck it up, you know, be seen, not heard. Yeah, so it was, there was no, no feelings, no communication, no talking, which I'm go, I have a therapist and a life coach and man, it's amazing how much we go back into my past from the age of five, seven and 12 are such big triggers for me of of just suppressing emotions. I never had that. I never was able to communicate. And I'm learning it now at 53, which is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I can also relate to that too. I grew up the same way where my dad was very stoic and my father raised us. And we just didn't talk about things like that. And we didn't hug. We didn't say, love you, things like that. And so That kind of translated that it made it easier for, for me to drink and drug and just, you know, hide the emotions. So coming into the program, it was, it was wild. It was a wild ride for me too. ⁓ I didn't see it coming. You know, all these people hugging me all the time in the meetings and, you're like, what is this? Yeah. Like, why are you telling me you love me? Don't touch me too. Yeah, that's it. That's the biggest thing that, you know, I see in. and talking with a lot of people, doing podcasts, and ⁓ just people reaching out to me is like, it's crazy how much it goes back to our childhood. How were we brought up? Were we able to talk feelings? so easily we learned or leaned towards substance abuse, booze, blow, whatever your vice was be just to go numb it. Because when we started feeling those, we were like, weren't, well, what is this thing? don't talk about it. This is so new. I never talked about it in my family. Yeah, it's crazy. And some people die never ever realizing that and dealing with those emotions and feelings. And my mom passed away a couple years ago at 85 and ⁓ everything was always still fine. No drama, no nothing. Like everything's always, it was very peaceful home. Don't get me wrong. But there was also zero emotion with like expressing it feeling like, hey, I'm kind of feeling sad from school today or some kid picked on me or I reacted and pushed the kid over like. There was zero talking of anything. Everything was always hunky-dory and great. So there's a couple parts in this book that I've, I mean, I could talk about every page in here. It's great. But a couple things I wanted to mention, and we'll go over each one of them and talk about it. Or if you'd have a reading that you'd like to go through first. No, no, no. You go. Go. I'm taking your lead. Yeah. So chapter two is called Bottled Deceptions. this first part here, you're at a company retreat and a buddy and you are drinking wine in the morning from the night before, guess, I'm guessing it was an all nighter. It was a good one. Yeah. And then you, you have to go into this conference room and you're speaking in front of people and, and, ⁓ you had to speak for 25 minutes or so. And then, and then, ⁓ someone yells 25 minutes and, and, and you said, perfect. Cause I'm going to hurl, you know, and, and, everybody laughs and claps and, and what came to mind was no consequences. You know, mean, the consequences are physical. feel it, but, And it was celebrated. It's accepted. It celebrated. Right. Yeah. That's, that's. And it was one, one hell of a speech too, man. There was a standing ovation of like, man, I knocked it out of the park. I wish I would have recorded it because, ⁓ again, being hung over, I was just sweating profusely in front of, don't know, 65, 70 dudes, ⁓ doing my sales pitch motivational thing. ⁓ Yeah. And then I was like, I will time up because I'm about ready to throw up in this trash can. And what year was that? Uh, that would have been 2016. Wow. About a year prior to getting sober for sure. Okay. Yeah. was, uh, 2016 was a rough one. I sold my company merged with these guys that I was talking with and yeah, it was just a drinking. And I thought booze was my superpower, man. I was building my business thinking booze and entertaining clients and going to strip clubs and, and casinos and happy hours and martini lunches and fine wine dinners at night. And then I'd be like, wow, that was fantastic. Why don't we just continue it at my house and rinse and repeat. And again, this just wasn't one day. This was five, six days a week. Yeah. Yeah. And it sounds like you were, you know, that type of business that you were in, like you said, it was celebrated. It was, it was just part of the culture. Yeah. To drink and to entertain clients and it's just what you do. It's what's accepted. Right. Yeah. Accepted and expected, really. Yeah. Yeah. So the next line that I wanted to talk about was... This is in chapter seven, it's titled, Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful, which is one of my favorite ⁓ lines in the big book. It's talking about alcoholism and how it's cunning, baffling, and powerful. And on page 14, you say, for people addicted to alcohol, however, quitting is an almost insurmountable task. The easier choice is to continue drinking. So coming to alcohol is... seductive grip, even when you know alcohol is doing terrible things to you. Like it's like it was doing to me in my 20s, 30s and 40s. And, you just keep putting it in your mouth. And I love that that was the title of this chapter. Powerful because that's exactly what I thought when I read that, that little, that little paragraph was, was powerful. You know, we in, in sobriety say that, yeah, that, that it's powerful. You know, this, this pull towards towards drinking, to make us drink is powerful. But I don't think that's what people outside of the room see. I think they see weakness, you know? And I think they see, well, why can't you just stop? Why don't you just not do that? Yeah, can't you just have one? Yeah, was, it's crazy. It just sucks you in, right? It's so celebrated. Hey, you're having a bad day, let's go have a drink. ⁓ my gosh, we just closed a deal, let's go celebrate and have a drink. Let's go have happy hour. ⁓ I was... ⁓ You know, I got invited to do a speaking gig. Let's go celebrate. Hey, my wife's pissed off at me. Let's go drink. Like everything evolved around drinking. Everything. ⁓ Every aspect of my life. ⁓ the kids want a baseball game. Great. Let's go celebrate and get pizza and drink. ⁓ my gosh, they lost. Let's rally all the parents and get pizza and get them, you know, completely annihilated. It's so celebrated. Yeah. There's a term in sobriety that I really love that, that, ⁓ I w it's a word actually, freedom. You know, and I feel like that's probably the biggest thing that I get out of my sobriety is freedom. And it's not, I don't mean freedom, you know, as in like the context of, you know, our country is a free country. You can do what you want. mean like freedom from exactly what you're talking about. You know, the insanity in my head of when am going to get my next drink? I'm, you know, planning every event of my day around drinking, around my hangovers, around whether or not I can drink. It was such a big it was a it was everything in my life Yeah, every everything was planned around it and the crazy part is I'm not sure for you But for me, I feel like I bought so much time back so much time in my life And ⁓ my gosh I did the math recently over a million dollars in booze a million bucks client entertainment buying wines kids kids college event be like whoa, let's pick up the $2,300 bar tab for all these kids that I'm getting shots for is like The amount of time that I wasted, I haven't had that up, but it's gotta be years and years and years. mean, 34 years at debauchery, mean, probably 24 of those are just sitting in a bar. Like I could go lunch with a client at noon to, that would roll into let's go have happy hour with another buddy to let's go have a really nice dinner. I would be drinking from noon to 10, and then I'd probably come home with them and we would, you know. make some excuse to come home, hey, let's light a fire, let's go sit in the hot tub, let's crack another bottle of wine. It would go from noon to midnight. That's insane. And it wasn't just one day a week. Those were a lot of days. So I was like, ⁓ my gosh, you just think about that amount of time was mind boggling to me of how much time I got back. Right. But the crazy thing is we don't think about it when we're home. ⁓ no, no, we want more time. We want more time in it. Yeah, more. That's the word. That's the important word is more, you know, more of everything. So, ⁓ and in, in chapter 18, you get to talking about your kids and how they desperately craved, the presence of a normal engaged husband and father, you know? ⁓ and I can kind of relate to this because I felt like, well, I mean, I've got a great job. I I'm providing the insurance. I'm providing the paychecks, you know? So just let me go out and drink like I'm not hurting anyone. Right. But then at home, what we don't think about is exactly what you wrote here is that I just want you, you know, my kids say, I just want you home. I want your time, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That was a tough one for me having the kids write that. Cause again, before rehab and getting sober, it was everybody else's fault. It was wife's fault, kids' fault, work's fault. Everybody else's fault for except mine. you know, hey, I provide the house and the car and the insurance and you get cool vacations and all this stuff like, hey, I'm not the problem here, folks. It's all you. And boy was I absolutely wrong there because it was me. I was the problem. I was the problem in two failed marriages. I was the problem of not being a present dad. The meaning of present today has a whole new meaning to me because I was always the party house with the kids and college kids and high school kids. you know, come over here, have a bonfire, let's drink and be merry and watch something silly on TV. ⁓ cause I thought I was the cool dad, like all the kids are at my house, right? I'm the cool dad. ⁓ and I taught all those kids how to drink and party like rock stars. They caught, they caught everything I was doing. which is so, so crazy. And some of my daughters were like, we had no idea what kind of dad we're going to get. What were you going to get? Happy dad, sad dad, mad dad, drunk dad. Is he going to bring 22 people home like he does often? ⁓ My daughter would text me from her room at 10 o'clock at night, be like, dad, could you turn the music down? I'm trying to study. And I'm like, what's up? I'm the cool dad here. Why are you texting me? And I would be a dick and turn the music up. Like, so wrong. so wrong. Yeah, that was actually one of the points that I wrote down here was, you what kind of what kind of dad am I going to get tonight when when he comes home, or if you're home already, you know, and I went through the same thing with my father, you know, when I was in high school. ⁓ My I got I got a really big family and they all partied and and my father would throw cake parties and and there was, you know, multiple times I'd come home. to everyone was there already. Everyone being my friends from school, like half of my school is there down back having a bonfire and a cake party and my dad's down there and they're all like cheering them on and he's holding people up to do cake stands. And you know, at the time it was great. I was like, this is awesome. know, everybody loves my father. Everybody's over here, you know, but, ⁓ but yeah, reflecting on it now, like how much damage did that, did that do? Yeah, this, the psychological impact of that is like, like I said earlier, it's like our Our kids, especially younger ages, catch more than we teach them, Like, I think I caught how to drink. I don't think, I know. I caught how to drink from my parents. From the age of one, when my dad was giving me a banquet of beer sitting in a little bouncy thing, ⁓ to 13 cocktail parties for my parents. Like, me and my buddy from high school, we'd dress up and look like little matri-d's and my parents always had potlucks and there's 20 plus people there. Hence, that's what I did. And we would go make tips and we I could tell you today what we made Betsy's drink ⁓ My dad's good friend Jimmy like I could go make their drinks today. I made so many of them Yeah, it seems crazy that, you know, ⁓ that our parents would, well, I was gonna say that our parents would do that to them, but I don't, don't, it was just normalized back then, you know? Yeah, I mean, we were sitting in the back of cars bouncing around with no car seats and the windows rolled up and there's smoke in and they probably got a fifth of black velvet between their legs and that was like normal. Or when we were kids, you know, when we were teeth and they did, ⁓ rub some whiskey on their gums, right? Today that's like child abuse. I've got a 26 year old daughter and she's about seven months ⁓ sober now, which is, you know, it's wonderful. It's so it's such a blessing for me to be sober and and for her to come to me and talk about sobriety. And she said to me one time, ⁓ you know, you did the best you could, you know, when when we were when I was talking to her about, you know, things I used to do and how bad I felt, you know, for the things I did. for drinking and drugging around them and what I put them through. and she's like, well, you just, did the best you could. And, and it kind of blew me away for her to think like that, you know, and that comes from sobriety, from the things you learn in sobriety that, ⁓ so it was, was, was really interesting. That's awesome. Yeah. So tell me about your, family life now you have, you have older kids. I do. got a 30 year old son, a 28 year old daughter who's a detective and a 16 year old in high school. Yeah. And my relationship with them is like no other. It's so consistent. It's so present. ⁓ And again, I didn't go to my kids and go, Hey, sorry for being this drunk idiot dad. I did it by my actions and I lost 80 pounds and ⁓ I'm way more present. I'm so neutral with the kids now and they see it. ⁓ And they are so proud and grateful of the dad I am today for sure from what I was. And I think that's really important is to lead by example, especially for I mean, that's really what I want to do for my kids is I want to be an example for them. You know, and for a long time, I was not, you know, and they saw that and they know that even, you know, they were young, but like you said, they they absorb stuff like that. And they see what happened what's happening and They know more than we think they know. They do. Yeah. So even in sobriety, you know, I don't have to, the same thing here. I didn't have to apologize to them. didn't have to make amends to them. ⁓ I did for a couple of things, but, ⁓ my actions speak louder than my words now, you know, and I see that. Yep. A thousand percent. I don't care what it is. Your actions will speak louder than your mouth for sure. You know, my daughter, my 28 year old daughter does not drink today. My son can manage and have a beer or two, glass of wine, but nothing, like I taught him to be like, on kid, we're doing another fireball shot, we're doing another shot of Crown, and he can manage it well. My daughter, absolutely not. I would be absolutely shocked if my 16 year old ⁓ dabbled into it just from seeing her older siblings and my transformation, because she was really young, she was seven when I got sober, eight. ⁓ And she's seen the transition and she was a big part of the process with the book and all the kids were so I'd be surprised if the younger two ⁓ ever partake in any drugs or alcohol. Yeah, what comes to mind with that thought is if only it were that easy, right? You know, ⁓ they're surrounded by this sobriety with you and the book and the podcast that you do and all that stuff, right? But then they're also surrounded by society and the pressures from their friends and drinking is in your face everywhere. know, and social media, you got to talk about social media too, because the pressures of social media and- my goodness. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And again, I talk a lot like how important your circle is. Who you run with is who you become, right? It's that old saying, show me your five friends, I'll show you your future. That is- 1000 % accurate like I got one of my son's friends great kid Not the best circle And he's he's trying he's like hey, he asked me all the time Hey, you know I really would like to get sober and slow down and and you know I've seen what you've done and I'd be like bro your problems your circle And I know it's really really tough to get out of your circle and they're your your good buddies But every day you get off work you smoke weed you drink you play video games Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Hey, you spice it up a little bit because you go golf on Saturday with those guys. You drink, smoke weed, ⁓ get hungover. Sunday you recover and you rinse and repeat. Your circle is your problem. And I know it's tough for people to, you know, have that, you know, change a season of a friendship is really tough for people. ⁓ And that ⁓ was a tough thing for me. My circle was this big, partying and drinking. I mean, I could text a group of I could text a group and have 20 people at my house in 10 minutes because they're like, ⁓ my god, it's going to be so wild and crazy at Ian's place. ⁓ And today, I just have a small intimate circle that are like my ride or dies. Yeah, and I think fear of missing out has a lot to do with it, you know? ⁓ But also with me, you know, same thing with me. what I didn't realize is that those were not really my friends, you know, because I really saw who my friends were when I got sober. I never heard from most of those people again. And those were people that I sat at the bar with every single day and they would, ⁓ I love you and give me shots and all this stuff. now I haven't talked to them in years, you know? that's not because I don't think they're good people. It's because You know, it's because they were drinking buddies. Right? Yeah. You have something super dramatic in your life. You will learn real fast who your friends are real fast. And I was the same boat. It'd be like, you know, I wish them well and they're great people. And, but they were social, social best friends. Right. ⁓ it's different to have real, ⁓ emotional, you can laugh, you can cry. They support you. They. Encourage you with your goals and ambitions and not drag you down and be like, ⁓ that's fucking dumb You're not gonna do that. You can't do that. Like I just have zero people around me that you know, I hate that word I Can't you can't like drives me crazy Yeah, cuz you can Yeah, there's a there's a great there's a great line. I don't remember who Who said it but ⁓ it's whether you think you can or you think you can't you're right? You're right. Yep. it's so accurate. It's all in your head. Everything's all in our head. So chapter 61 is titled doing the math sobriety's cost benefit analysis, which is interesting because you brought up the money issue already. ⁓ you know, but there's, you have a line in here that says, can't, why can't I have that beautiful glass of wine? Everyone else can indulge. Why not me? And I wanted to ask you, are those thoughts that still come up today for you? every now and then? No, no, don't even, it doesn't even cross my mind. I can go sit in a bar and I had a couple really great dinners in Southern California this last week for some work events and I can still go do all the things that I did ⁓ not drinking and I'm the same guy. I'm still the energy and the life of the party. ⁓ But I have a couple buddies that were part of the book with me that it's, you know, It's romanticized to like, can I just sip and have a glass of wine? like every TV show, every movie, you know, if you've ever noticed, there's always booze. There's always this romanticized about booze and cheers and are celebrating with a glass of champagne. And ⁓ one of my good friends still struggles today, sober, you know, coming on six years, but it is still a very, a friend of mine struggle of like, why can't I just have one and enjoy a sip of wine? around all this, you know, everybody else just kind of like toasting and it's romanticized and ⁓ yeah, it's, it's still a struggle for, for some people, but it's, you know, again, it's one day at a time and he's very smart to love. I'm not going to put myself in those environments because I don't want to have those feelings. Yeah. So what do you attribute that to that? You don't have that urge anymore that it's not even your thought process anymore. I went through a pretty intense, ⁓ 10 day rehab called a virgin therapy where they actually induce vomiting with alcohol. ⁓ and it was violent so I could still again, sit in bars, but every blue moon I'll get a whiff of a fireball or a shot of tequila. Somehow somebody serving something in the bar, my mouth will water to this day and like, ⁓ man. So my aversion is so high that the smell of alcohol makes my mouth water still because for, for ⁓ ten days in rehab when they're just they give you epikac which induces vomiting and then you gotta swish every kind of alcohol around in your mouth and spit it in the silver bowl and you're violently puking yeah I'm sure there's people out there that'd be like I don't drink tequila anymore that one time in in Mexico I had tequila and I was throwing up and they've never had it again it's just like that but imagine that with every single booze you've had So my inversion is still pretty high. But is there something, like do you have a routine, do you have a thought, something that you do if those thoughts come up? Or is it just like a passing thought, like they come in and you're just like kind of laugh it off and they're gone? Yeah, they come and go very fast for me. I'm trying to think last time I had a thought. Yeah, it just comes and goes so fast for me. And one, I don't want to... I don't want go back to zero. That's a big thing for me. was like, look at the progress I've made, the type of person I am, the man I am today, the man I am for my kids and my family. I don't want to jeopardize that for nothing. For one sip of booze, it's such a mindset for me now. I'm not going back. Um, yeah, uh, I relapsed after, uh, I had six years of sobriety and, um, some close to your, your time. I got sober the first time in 2018 in September, 2018. And, you know, AA was a big part of my, my sobriety still is actually more than ever. And, but you know, they, um, they talk about relapse how It doesn't happen right away. It's not like I just one day say, Hey, I think I'm going to go take a drink or, whatever. You know, mine was, it was nine months of nine or 10 months of life changing issues that come up, you know, and, and, and problems and, ⁓ and it all just kind of led to, you know, it led to a relapse, you know, and it started with me not going to meetings anymore, you know, because I moved to a different location and. And, ⁓ you know, rather than find new meetings in the new, in the new area that I lived in, ⁓ you know, I, I tried something new, something new, but sobriety wasn't as big a part in my life anymore. And, know, it led to, led to the old thoughts and behaviors coming back and. Yeah. Just sucked you right back in. Yeah. And there's that saying, you know, if I do what I always did, I get what I always got, you know? Yeah. And that's very true for me. Um, so, uh, so, so for you, I was going to ask you about AA. Is AA a part of your sobriety? It is not. have, I've not been to an AA. know many, many people in it. I've never, I've never been to one. And why, I don't know how else to say it. Why is that? Was it a part your, your treatment, your rehab or no? No. Okay, they they encouraged to get into a community for sure and whatever that was a was a ⁓ big it was a topic in the 10-day rehab I was in for sure. I quickly got a life coach right out of rehab an accountability coach if you will ⁓ Which was a big part and my circle was so powerful. I had the best circle ⁓ Which was I guess my a circle really? I mean like we could talk about my thoughts of drinking ⁓ desires to drink and they would pull me out of it so fast and then my life coach that I talked to every Wednesday morning still to this day ⁓ and the counseling that I do for my own mindset, my business and health has really just consumed me to stay on track. Not that I wouldn't, I'd love to go to an AA, I just, I haven't. My oldest brother is super active in AA like almost daily and he's 13 years sober. And it is a huge part of his life. I think it's a great point that you're making is that you have connections, right? Connections with other people. I don't know if they're sober people. I don't think it matters if they're sober people, but people that you can rely on that know that you're sober, that know your story, that can help you. And that's exactly what I get from AA. I make connections with people in the rooms and we talk and you know, We text all the time, we talk on the phone every day, and it's really just about connection, connecting with people that, like you said, or die, you know? Yeah. That are gonna be there for you, whether it's in AA or outside of AA, I don't really think that matters. Yeah, I think you need to have some sort of community, whatever it is, and if it's AA, that is absolutely fabulous because they become your circle, your ride or die, is your best friends, and you text every day. And there's so many sober coaches and... so many resources out there anymore ⁓ to get into a community that you're comfortable with, right? I think, you some people might be scared of AA because it's, it's so big or they've heard stories or whatever. ⁓ Which one? Go try it. You don't know until you try. But definitely get into a community, whatever that is. If you want a smaller one, a couple people, get into some sort of community that you're on the same page, non-judged, and they're there for you at 10 in the morning or 10 at night. ⁓ So any ounce of community to get you out of your rut is absolutely a necessity. So tell me about your day. ⁓ What are your days like? Does it involve sober activities? ⁓ What keeps you sober every day? For sure. ⁓ When I tell you my routine, it didn't happen all at once. I've stacked all these over time. when I get up in the morning, I don't look at my phone for for 30 minutes. think that is a big thing for everybody is like, man, it's such a dopamine hit and you got to react and like, glad you said that. That is that is it. It's tough. Don't get me wrong. I mean, start with five minutes. Start with two minutes. Start with like right when you wake up, don't grab your phone because you got to react and it's such a dopamine hit and blue light, all these studies that I don't even know about. ⁓ Get your mind right and your body right. So for me, 30 minutes, no fun. I wake up and it always starts with gratitude. whether you're lying in bed or write it, is like, whatever you're grateful for. Pick one thing. Your kids that you woke up, like, that's a big deal. Just waking up anymore is a big deal. ⁓ The smell of fresh coffee. Whatever the case may be, start your day with gratitude. I am thankful for. ⁓ I get up, I go outside ⁓ immediately. ⁓ It's cold and sometimes wet in Seattle. I go outside and I do... Breath work for a couple minutes just super deep breaths get my body oxygenated ⁓ And again, I'm doing affirmations outside, you know, I am great. I am worthy I am loved like you have to tell yourself and set the tone for you for the day ⁓ And I'm a big believer of like set the tone and for me that first half hour is like I'm setting the tone for my mind my body And then I'm getting ready to go tackle the day ⁓ I make some tea. I always thought 95 year old ladies journal I journal, I never journaled. I started journaling after I wrote my book. ⁓ Because again, it just sets the tone for me for my goals and my gratitude and whatever's on your mind. Like I let go of having a bad day. I let go of the guy that cut me off in traffic. Whatever the case may be that you need to let go and gratitude is such a ⁓ mindset. And then I'm off to the gym and I go to the gym for an hour. I do some cold plunge and steams and man, when I come home, it is balls to the wall. I am ready to tackle the day. But again, those all didn't happen at once. I stacked those little baby habits over time and it's been seven years. And it's just, it's such a routine for me. I know when I miss it. I know if I miss journaling for some goofy reason, I know it. I'll come back and get it. Because it's just such a routine. Like, you know, when I have my clothes laid out the night before. Just all these little things that you can do. And I'm very active. I love the gym. I love golf. snowboarding. So I stay so active. I'm like a caged animal. I got to be doing something. ⁓ Whether it with the kids, hiking. We do a lot of hiking. We love coffee shops. My youngest loves ⁓ libraries and these cute little bookstores, these finds all over the place. So we stay super active. think sometimes they'd be like, can we just chill? And I'll be like, no, come on, we're going on a hike down here. We're going to go watch the sunset. yeah, I stay. super busy and I think that's a big thing that I don't let my mind rest a whole lot to like, stool on booze. I don't sit around and go, man, it's four o'clock, I would be doing happy hour by now. And I do, turn down, still, clients ask me to go to happy hour, sometimes I'll go, sometimes I won't, sometimes they'll be like, I missed the gym in the morning, so I'll be like, sorry, I gotta pass this time, but appreciate it, but I'm heading to the gym. And the crazy thing. is the silent impact we have on people that you don't even realize that I don't even realize of the people that we affect by what we do. To my circle, a lot of my circle ⁓ doesn't drink anymore. They got into health and wellness. ⁓ They eat better. So it's crazy how much, when you look in the mirror of how much you are making an impact on people and you don't even realize it with what you're doing. I know we're all out there trying to make an impact. but the silent impact we're making of people that we don't even realize is like, that's the powerful part. Yeah, a hundred percent. I mean, if you told someone your morning routine and I told someone my morning routine, they would think we're talking about the same person here because you are describing me. I'm like, are you watching me? Because I do almost exactly the same things in the morning. fill my brain with all this negativity from the outside world and just, you know, ⁓ and, you know, I can direct the way that my day is going to go based on how my morning is, you know, and I know that and it's so important. Yeah, that's awesome. I'll have to pick your brain a little bit about meditation. That's kind of like the new buzz and I've talked to a couple people and it's just like, it's amazing. You know, if you asked me ⁓ seven years ago, eight years ago, If I thought I would ever do meditation, I would have laughed. I was like me journaling. I also journal now and It's so important to me, you know ⁓ because And I never knew I never knew how to do I always use the excuse well, I don't know how to pray I don't know how to meditate. I don't know what I'm doing, you know, and but the thing is it's consistency doing it every day and Then and then I start to feel the benefits of it, you know And it's made a huge difference in my life. So that's awesome. Yeah. So, so that leads me to my, my next question. What podcasts are you listening to? Where are you getting all this stuff from? know, ⁓ man, I listened to so much, ⁓ Joe dispense it. I'm a big fan of, at my lead, anything positive in mode. do not listen to the news. I do not, you know, there's no news in my world. ⁓ even, you know, all my scrolling on social media and posts. It's all positive. It's all, you know, how can we be better? And I just love listening to people's success stories because they resonate with me and I'll take a little nugget of that. Like I'll take a nugget of yours and like I'll go implement that. action for me is a big thing instead of just words. So it's like, I'll take a nugget and I'll introduce it into my world, my routine. And ⁓ it just totally sets the tone. Like I was listening to something or reading something on a podcast. that three minutes of the news affects you 27 % of the day, for 27 % of your day, which is mind blowing. ⁓ So yeah, it's just all these podcasts and I listen to them at the gym. I'm always listening to like a Tony Robbins, Ned Mylade, Brendan Bouchard. There's just ⁓ the Daily Stoic, which I love their book. It gives you something to read every single day. It's one page. So if anybody's not a reader, which I wasn't a reader until I wrote a book, yeah, you know. seven years, six years, five years ago. The Daily Stoic is such a great, easy read for 30 seconds, maybe a minute, depends how fast you read. ⁓ And there's just such great stuff to set your tone. ⁓ You know, when I was a kid, I don't know if you remember those calendars that always had positive quotes on them. ⁓ yeah. Never really paid attention to them. Well, they have a whole new meaning to me today because I have one sitting right by my coffee maker. You tear off the page, you'd be like, well, that's a cool comment. I might take a picture of that and send it to my buddy. ⁓ It's just a cool way to set the tone for your day and start your day with them on the right side and a positive side. Yeah. Yeah, I agree 100 % So speaking of your book, how did that happen? did you just decide one day to write a book or, you know, suggested? It's a great story. So that conference we were talking about, where I was going to throw up after on the 25 and a half minute mark, we would do these quarterly functions. we, three of us, me and two of the guys I work with that were part of the book at the beginning. ⁓ We're sitting at the same restaurant that we would sit at and have martini lunches and there's these three dudes literally sitting across from us having martini lunches and flirting with the server and doing all the shenanigans we used to be doing and we were just kind of chuckling like man that used to be us and So we just started talking and reminiscing about stories and one of the guys like we should write a book I'm like, ⁓ my god, you know how fun that would be with the three of us and our stories and like It would just be so funny and go make an impact on people because look at us now, we're chuckling, but we're looking in the mirror, that was us two years ago. So it started with, let's write a book. And then one of the guys ⁓ was like, I know this ghostwriter. So I was like, let's call him. So I kinda got the ball rolling with the book and it started with three and ended up with me because it started to get real and naked and ⁓ some of them were a little apprehensive to like, I'm not sure I want my whole story out there which totally appreciate and understand There is a lot of them in the book and some of their stories just no names associated with it Because they just I wanted to be completely raw and naked and be like we we're gonna go make an impact on people because if we can do it Anybody can because we were just absolutely drunk baboons So yeah, that's how the whole book started was sitting in an inner vine at a nice bougie restaurant I agree. Yeah, I you got a copy of my book, I think, Oh, I think, yeah. I sent you a copy. Yes, yes, I do. And I, I a hundred percent agree with you. It's so agree with you. It's so therapeutic writing a book. ⁓ like I, I learned so much, ⁓ from that whole process, you know, but, what I, what I wanted to ask you was, ⁓ did you self publish or did you, did you get a publisher? No, I got a publisher cause I had, I literally had no idea. So this ghostwriter was, was phenomenal. He met with my kids and we spent hundreds and hundreds hours and he's a very good close friend to this day. ⁓ lives in Arizona but spent all kinds of time with my family. would do barbecues in Arizona. ⁓ And he did such a good job ⁓ telling the story because it would have been two pages if I wrote it because I email and text like a caveman. So he helped me a ton. ⁓ And I'd have no idea how to get a book on Amazon. So he was just so instrumental in guiding me through that process. Was there a lot of fear surrounding putting your story out into the world? Basically, you got some stuff in here, not real specific details, but it could be... ⁓ I don't know, for me, there was a lot of fear surrounding it because I'm putting all my dirty laundry out into the world. Yeah, for sure. And again, it was a little bit of like... We have these chatter boxes, right? Like, ⁓ my God, people are gonna judge you and they're gonna think this. And then the other one's like, ⁓ my God, you're just gonna go make an impact and make people better. So it's like, you had these chatter boxes. And I listened to this one too, be like, ⁓ my, you know, what is your closest family gonna think? Like, are your ex-wives gonna be pissed that like you made, you know, no derogatory comment, but it was just reality, but I was the problem, right? So I looked at it as like, I'm not blaming anybody. I was the problem. I was the problem in two failed marriages. I was the problem not being a present dad. ⁓ So I did have a little bit of ⁓ fear and apprehension, but it's so outweighed of the bigger whole reason to go make an impact, right? But yeah, just, I over, I kind of shoved off the negative chatter box on my side. So today, these days, what ⁓ do you do as far as getting the word out, getting your message out? Do you do a lot of speaking? Do you promote your book at all? I do a lot of social media to ⁓ really just get a positive message out there. There's some, probably a couple times a week, there's something about my book or a story about my book. ⁓ So social media is a huge platform for me. ⁓ And then I do... probably four, five podcasts a month. ⁓ Just getting the word out and meeting so many cool people like yourself. It's so awesome of ⁓ how many people out in the world are so sober curious and people that are ⁓ like-minded that just want to go make an impact so somebody can be a better dad, a better husband, a better friend, a better boss. But yeah, don't have a big PR or marketing firm pushing the book. And the book's not about making money, it's about making an impact for me. I mean, that's... I kind of found my purpose after getting sober and I sold my company and I was lost and confused and sad. ⁓ This has just been a new, exciting, ⁓ impactful purpose for me. Yeah. Yeah. Well, just like AA says, know, it's attraction, not promotion, you know? And just like you're talking about setting the example and just living the life that you want to live for yourself to be a better person, do the right thing just for today, you know, that a lot of people see that and they they get curious and well, yeah, you know, how do I do that? You know, and it's really, it's really, it's really not hard. I mean, when you think about it, but it takes it takes courage and it takes discipline. and everybody has a different time. Everybody I mean, I had people asked me like, Hey, where was your rock bottom? I stacked so many rock bottoms until, you know, really, it was even even going into rehab on the third day. before my third day in rehab, I'm like, okay, well, I'm doing this to save a marriage and how's my business doing? My kids will be fine. ⁓ And then man, the good Lord touched me on the shoulder and it's like, hey, unless your shit's right, nothing will be right. So hey, let's look in the mirror and focus on you and we gotta get you right before you worry about anything else, because you need to set the tone for you. And that really gives me goosebumps talking about like, that shook me. Yeah, so. What is your view on religion, spirituality? Is it a part of your program? Oh, yeah, I pray every day, multiple times a day. And I have ever since I was a kid, I just was never voiced it to anybody. I went to church, Lutheran church when I was a kid, but it was just kind of going through the motions of like, okay, we all go to church and like, we dress up nice and like, didn't have a whole lot of meaning to me. And we would say prayers at night that parents taught us to. ⁓ So, that always stuck with me. I've always had a faith and a belief. So, yeah, it's very important to me because it happens every day, multiple times a day. Yeah. So, I guess one last question is, what is your message to people? Yeah, the biggest thing is to look in the mirror and go, it's on me. It's on me. It's on me to set the tone for the day. It's on me. to make the impact and that's the biggest thing. And believe in yourself. So there's this little quote I always say is like, have to forgive your younger self, believe in your current self and create your future self. Because I think a lot of people still carry this big bag of garbage with them and it's hard to let go, right? It's hard to let go of the past ⁓ or we think things are good and then we get triggered and be like, well, shit. Let me go grab some of this past garbage here and bring it into my reality again, because that's comfortable to me. ⁓ so yeah, you got to forgive yourself, believe in yourself and create yourself. Couple of thoughts on that. Number one, there's a book called drop the rock. I don't know if you've heard about it or not, but it's basically, you know, some guys in a robo and I'm in the water and I'm carrying this rock, which is my past, everything in my past. And, and the guys are saying, Just drop the rock, man. Just drop the rock and you can get in the boat with us and you'll be fine. And I don't want to drop the rock because it's all I know. It's my past. Who am I going to be without it? know? Yeah. It's your security blanket. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. But then on the positive side, ⁓ know, the past can be positive, you know, because, ⁓ you know, things that I've done well in life, I need to remember those things. And David Goggins talks about the cookie jar, you know? how I did something great, let me put it in the cookie jar, or let me pull something out of the cookie jar when I start not believing in myself, or I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I can do this. Well, take something out of the cookie jar. Look what I did in the past, I can do that again. So that's a positive thing that I think we can get from the past. So it's not all about dropping the rock. For sure, and I've looked at now, it's like your biggest failures are your best lessons. So it's like, go fail fast. So you can learn. And fail many times. know how many successful people have failed if only because they just keep trying and they fail over and over and over until it works. Yeah. And I think so many people just fail and then, no, I'm not good at that. Let's move on to something else. It's comfortable down here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's what we, I guess it's what we learn and it's what's comfortable. For sure. Well, anything else before we close? That's it, man. I can't thank you enough for having me and keep making an impact that you're doing. you know, thank you and keep stacking those all those wins that you're doing. Absolutely. Thank you, Ian, so much. was it was it was a great opportunity to talk to you. You got it. Yeah, back at you. So there you have it, my conversation with Ian Fee. What did you guys think of that? Send me an email, let me know, write in the comments. I wanna know your thoughts on my conversation. So send me an email at soberreadingswithscottatgmail.com, go to my website, fill out the form. While you're there, drop a dollar in the donation basket, click that donate button, and go to ianfee.com and buy that book. It's definitely worth it. So thank you for listening today. Everybody have a great day. ⁓ remember, just for today, don't drink, go to a meeting, and keep coming back. Have a great day. And as my friend Larry says, best day ever.