Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 419. Don't get rejected by the same person twice

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419. Don't get rejected by the same person twice · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, Welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: So in this podcast episode, we are talking about rejection,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: but specifically how to not get rejected by the same
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: person twice or by the same thing twice, kind of
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: how to wrap your head around rejection in general, how
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: to raise your standards, raise your self esteem, get better
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: at looking for signals and cues and messages in other people,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: get better at reading other people, so that way you
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: don't find yourself in a situation where you're like, I
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: feel like I've wasted all this time only to be
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: rejected by this person again. All right, So we're going
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: to be talking about a lot of that, a lot
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: of you listening. And I know this for a fact
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: based on the fucking listener question emails that I get.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: A lot of you guys are currently being rejected time
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: and time again, whether it's in a friendship, whether it's
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: in a relationship or a job, or even within a
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: family dynamic. And you keep giving the other party chances
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: and hope and all these things. A bit, what you're
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: actually doing is wasting your time and eroding your self
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: esteem and your confidence. Okay, that is what you're doing.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: That is what you are unintentionally achieving. So we're going
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: to stop all of that. We're going to turn it
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: around and you're going to feel like a million bucks
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: by the end of it. So quick life update, then
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: a brain fact, then we go into the episode.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: The life update is that.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: The live show tour has wrapped and it was honestly
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: an unbelievable experience.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: We were sold out in every city.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: Certain cities they were able to like up the capacity
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: because they opened more seatings and that sold out as well.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I met so many a few beautiful beans. It was honestly,
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: so so cool because I feel like, obviously, you guys
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: get to know more about me because I'm sharing about
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: myself and talking about me. But these are like the
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: few opportunities where I get to meet you guys and
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: you know, interact with you. So that was fucking just
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: a great time. And people gave me gifts. I had
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: a being and Adelaide give me this really cool like
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: wooden kind of chopping board. I think it's too pretty
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: to be chopping board. I think it's actually a cheese board.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Loll and it's like stunning and it's got DYFM carved
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: in it.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: I have this Argentinian being that brought me al fajores.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: If you guys know what they are, divine, I've eaten
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: all of them already and it was worth it, so
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: just I had people write me letters. It was just unbelievable.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: The vibe was strong, and I just can't wait to
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: do another live show tour around Australia, hopefully this time
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: next year. But yes, stay tuned for that unbelievable scenes
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: fucking good time. Now, let's quickly talk about the brain
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: fact for the day I want to talk about. Now.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: When I say talk about, I'm talking about brushing over
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: because this needs an entire episode in and of itself.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: But I thought it'd be interesting to just brush over
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: this idea of serotonin in the gut. So I'm not
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: going to delve into the entire gut brain axis or
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: gut brain connection because there's many, many, many layers to it.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: What I want to talk about is I want to
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: specifically address the serotonin side of things, okay, because I
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: think a lot of people get carried away, to put
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: it lightly, on the fact that ninety to ninety five
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: percent of our body serotonin is found in the gut,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: and so then a lot of people think well, then
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: the gut must That must mean that the gut and
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: the serotonin within the gut directly influences the serotonin within
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: your brain and therefore influences your mood. Now, while there
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: are studies that do show that gut health and the
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: microbiome health within your gut can impact your mood and
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: also mood desor the serotonin levels that are so excessively
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: high in the gut versus the brain are not necessarily responsible. Well,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: they're definitely not directly responsible. So here's white.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about it. So serotonin, it's not just a
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: brain chemical.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: We refer to serotonin as a neurochemical because in the
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: brain it is a neurochemical. But like I said, ninety
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: to ninety five percent of serotonin is actually found in
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: your GI tract, not in your brain. So where is
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: this serotonin made. So this is made in the entero
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: chromophen cells in the lining of the gut. So these
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: are the main producers of serotonin within the gut. And
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  Speaker 1: then some is made by the enteric neurons. So these
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: are nerves in the gut's own nervous system. Okay, So
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: when we talk about neurons outside of the brain, They're
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: not like brain cells outside of the brain.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: They're nerves outside of the brain.
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  Speaker 1: Okay. Now, the key role of serotonin in the gut.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: You've heard me talk about things, whether it's chemicals or
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: medication or rugs, being promiscuous, and that is that they serve.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: More than one function. They do more than one thing.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Most neurochemicals, most chemicals and hormones within the body and
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: the brain are going to be promiscuous. They don't just
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: serve one purpose. They are multi talented. Serotonin is one
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: of those, is just like most of them. Okay, So
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: in the gut, serotonin does something completely differently. So the
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: first thing is that it regulates motility, so that is
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: how fast things are moving, right, So it stimulates the
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: muscles of the intestines to contract. It's what pushes the
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: food along. If you have too much serotonin in the gut,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: you get diarrhea. If you have not enough serotonin in
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: the gut, you get constipation. There are other things that
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: also cause those things, but that can contribute to it.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: It also coordinates reflexes, so its sense. It's kind of
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: signals via the enteric nervous systems. Sometimes they refer to
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: the enteric nervous system as the second brain. But it
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: basically helps coordinate reflexes kind of like wave like contractions
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: within the gut, which is necessary. It also modulates secretion,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: so this modulates how much mucous and fluid gets secreted
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: into the gut, which again affects digestion, It affects absorption.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: It can help trigger nausea, so when there's something harmful
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: like bacteria, even things like chemotherapy that that's going to
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: trigger nausea and vomiting through the vagus nerve and through
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: the brain stem, so the brain stem is in charge
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: of like your vomit reflex. It influences gut sensation, so
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: visceral sensitivity, so it affects how the gut feels, pain, bloating,
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  Speaker 1: how full you are, which is really important in like
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: certain gut disorders, like one of them being like IBS.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: And it also talks to the brain through the gut
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  Speaker 1: brain axis. Okay, so gut derived serotonin can in wants mood, anxiety.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: And brain function, but it's indirect.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: It is it affects the vagus nerve signaling and immune responses,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: and that's what doesn't and the reason why it is
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: indirect is that the gut does not The serotonin in
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: the gut cannot directly affect the brain because the serotonin
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: in the gut cannot cross the blood brain barrier. So
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: no matter how much fucking serotonin you have floating around
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: in your gut, that serotonin is not going to cross
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: your blood brain barrier and make you feel direct results
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: from that. Okay, So the blood brain barrier, we know
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: it as kind of like the security at the gate.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: It's very very selective.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: It's like a shield of endothelial cells that's going to
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: protect your brain from unwanted substances or too much of
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: something in the blood stream. And serotonin, the actual molecule,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: the charged serotonin molecule is quite large and it can't
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: cross the barrier. So it's not going to leak into
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: your brain and suddenly make you feel better or reducer anxiety.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: That's just absolutely not going to happen. But what can
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: cross the brain is trip to fan, which is this
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: amino acid pre coosa. I've done a whole episode on
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: trip to fan and serotonin, so go check that out
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: if you're interested. And once inside the brain, trip to
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  Speaker 1: fan is converted into serotonin in the central nervous system,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: but that's not what's happening with the gut. So when
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: people talk about this gut health equals mental health kind of,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: you're not getting a direct effect in the brain. It
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: influences mood in other indirect ways. So the first one
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: is the vagus nerve signaling which I spoke about, So
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: particular cells in the gut and microbiomes can actually like
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: influence this vagus nerve and then we get this communication
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: between the gut and the brain. This can also influence
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: your mood, your stress response. Inflammation levels in the brain
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: are also influenced. Immune modulation is another one, so gut
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  Speaker 1: inflammation can lead to pro inflammatory cytokines crossing the blood
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: brain barrier, which can disrupt serotonin metabolism. And then microbiome
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: effects is the last one. So certain gut bacteria can
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: influence trip to fan availability and the production of these
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: neuroactive substances like GABBA, dopamine, short chain fatty acids and
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: things like that. So when you hear that, things like, oh,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: serotonin is like really really high in the gut and
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: that's why it's going to impact your mood or like
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: if you don't have high levels of serotonin in the gut,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: then it instantly means that you're not going to have
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: high levels of serotonin in the brain. That is simply
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: not the case. It is a lot more complicated and
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: indirect than that, because the serotonin in the gut acts
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: independently to the serotonin in your brain. Okay, And just
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: because serotonin is produced in the gut, it doesn't mean
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: that the gut is its own brain. That's ridiculous, to
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: put it lightly. There's amazing things that the gut does,
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  Speaker 1: but it's not a brain.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: All right, cool binsw.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Let's get into the actual podcast topic of today's episode,
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: and this is pretty much the whole fucking concept of
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: not getting rejected by the same count twice.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: So how I'm gonna run this episode is we're going
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: to talk break.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: It down into kind of certain like parts, like maybe
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: five parts, and then I'm going to give you a
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: bit of a how to section. Okay, So let's start
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: with part one or section one. And this is the
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: difference between need versus love, And this is where so
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: many of us get caught up in relationships, getting stuck
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: in relationships.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Because we choose to stay with people who.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: Need us quote unquote need us versus those who love us.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: We confuse need for love. We confuse someone coming back
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: to us, someone trying to you know, if we have
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: broken up, you know, sliding back into your dms, watching
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: your stories, you know, all of this kind of you know,
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: giving you that validation. We confuse that a love like
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: why would they be watching my stories otherwise? Why would
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: they ask to meet up again? Why why would they
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: do all these things? Why would they say these things?
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Why would they blah blah blah blah blah. Need versus love?
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: And it's really important to identify the difference. Okay, now,
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: need The biggest one that you have to think about
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: is need does not necessarily come with respect. If someone
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: needs you, they don't necessarily respect you. But love will
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: come with respect. It will come with an appreciation of
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: your autonomy and appreciation of who you are. Love and
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: need can also happen at the same time, and that's
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: where it can get a little bit like confusing and
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: crossed over. But there will always be a deep sense
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: of respect when someone truly loves you. Okay, if it's
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: always feels like they have to have you, but you
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: don't feel like you're on the even playing field. Big
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: alert narcissistic relationships as an example, then they just need you,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: whether it's for their ego, whether it's for their security,
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: their self esteem, their confidence, for there's many reasons someone's
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: going to need someone in a relationship, But it doesn't
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: necessarily mean that they love you, because love is not
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: a possessive emotion.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Okay, need is.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: I don't even know if need is an emotion, but anyway,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: so it's not based in control, it's not based in
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: emotional panic, it's not based in trauma bonds dressed up
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: as like a passionate relationship. Also, for those of you
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: that are interested a trauma bond, it's very easy to
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: I think we call trauma bonding when two people have
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: a shared trauma and bond over that shared trauma. I
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: feel like that's what trauma bonding should be because it
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: sounds right.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: But trauma bonding is not share is not bonding.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Over shared trauma. A trauma bond is when you form
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: a bond with someone that causes you trauma. So mainly
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: this happens in romantic relationships where there's this push pull
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: of emotional abuse and manipulation and then intense love. That
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: is a trauma bond. Not when you meet a mate
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: and you've gone through the same thing, you're like, oh
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: my god, we've got a trauma bond. No, a trauma
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: bond is with your abuser. If you also struggle to
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: notice the difference between this need versus love, then you're
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: going to mistake emotional dependency for devotional for love. Okay.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: So that's how often we get.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Really hurt because you're kind of reading into someone's survival
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: mechanisms and being like, oh my god, that is affection,
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: that's romantic.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: The next thing that I want you to think about
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: the part two is the investment trap. Okay. So this
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: is we know that the more time, the more energy,
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: the more we invest in somebody, the harder it is
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: to walk away from that person, even if we know
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: that they are not completely right for us, or even
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: if we know that they cause us a lot of pain.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: You might think, well, I love this person. They provide
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: so much for me in my life. They can tick
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: all these boxes. But they but I'm in so much
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: emotional pain so often, but starting from scratch again with
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: someone new is really really daunting, and that is scarier
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: than just dealing with the emotional pain that I know.
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: So it's kind of that's not love either.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: That's again like a sunk cost fallacies like I don't
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: want to feel like I'm leaving because it feels like
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: I'm wasting everything, but you know, you also don't get
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: anything back by staying any longer. Another problem is that
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: part three is this adaptation problem. We we start seeing
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: what they give us as love and we don't realize
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: that what they're doing is just you know, them needing us. So,
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: for example, say you're in an unhealthy relationship and you
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: make all the excuses under the sun, no no, no,
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: like you for if you find yourself making excuses to
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: the people that are closest to you, that's a huge,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: huge wake up call.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: That's a big red flag.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: You shouldn't have to always be excusing this person's behavior
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: because they just don't get them. There's very few times,
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: very few times, and I will say this because I'm
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: sure there's some scenarios where okay, fine, but in general,
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: rarely do you need to often excuse your partner for
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: their behavior in front of the people that are closest
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: to you, that know you. The best. Okay. An example
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: would be that you know that how they respond to
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: you in a fight, and you don't really want to
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: tell your friends and family about how you fight because
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: it's quite disrespectful, or they're very dismissive, or they like
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: absolutely like ghosts, you would disappear, or whatever it is.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: That that how they treat you. So they're already showing you.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: Your partner's already showing you all these signals that they're
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: rejecting you. Right, They're disrespecting you, they're not giving you
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: the time of day. They're making you feel like you're
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: walking on eggshells. They're telling you my time is more
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: important than yours. They're telling you my opinion in an
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: argument is the right one. Yours doesn't have any footing.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: You have no ground to stand on. I don't respect
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: the ground that you stand on. That's all mini rejections,
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: again and again and again. It's all saying I don't
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: love you, but you're here because I need you. I
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: don't love you here because I need you. So when
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: you know, let's say one day, your friends and family
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: come across this treatment and they're like, oh my god,
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Like that's really like confronting to say, you know, you
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: get treated that way, and then you're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no,
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: it looks really bad. But and then you find yourself stumbling.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: You find yourself really trying to excuse their behavior. This
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: is you having adapted. Okay, you are adapting to the
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: feel like you've fooled yourself into thinking that this person
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: is You start making excuses, like you say, oh, but
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: they've had a really hard you know, divorce, so they
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: really you know, they struggle with attachment, or they were
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: you know, they had a really hard time growing up
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: all this or that, or you come up with every
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: excuse under the sign as to why they've treated you
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: that way. And that's the excuse you used to the
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: people around you, but more importantly, that's the excuse you
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: used to yourself. So then you begin to adapt and
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: you convince yourself that this kind of inconsistent behavior is
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: just them. It's just they are. It's how they show love, right,
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: And you know, you you you interpret this lack of
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: effort as emotional unavailability. And when someone's not putting in
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: the effort that they should if they loved you, you're like, oh,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: it's just that they've had a hard life. Those someone
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: can have a hard life and you can still respect
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: yourself and walk away just because someone has had a
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: hard life. There is no excuse for you to be mistreated. Okay,
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: someone can have a hard life and be open with
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: you and try and work things through with you and
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: all of the above, but for them to then mistreat you,
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: disrespect you, dismiss you, there is no excuse ever, ever, ever, ever.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: But you are now adapting. You are falling for the excuses,
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: and you are also creating new excuses that might not
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: even be legitimate. Okay, but you've adapted to the lack.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: You start calling it normal, and you look at these
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: crumbs that they're serving you as love, okay, And because
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: there's so few and far between, it's this intermittent reinforcement,
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: So the crumb feels better in that space. The crumb
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: probably feels like more of a high than some really
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: nice gesture from someone who's quite stable in a different relationship,
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: because when someone who's quite stable in a different relationship
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: does your beautiful gesture, it's more like, oh my god,
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: that's so sweet, that's so nice, whatever. But my standard's
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: relatively good all the time, So yeah, it feels good.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: But whereas when someone gives you a crumb where they're
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: so intermittent with their love, it feels like this surge
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: of relief and euphoria.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Okay, the next thing is people show you.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Part four is that people show you over and over
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: and over again who they are. It is up to
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: you to acknowledge that information or to reject that information. Okay,
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: because don't stand here and tell me or tell yourself
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: while you're listening to this that you don't see that behavior.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: And I know that you see that behavior because, for example,
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: in my live show, and this is just typical with
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: most people. I'm sure I'm a culprit as well. Most
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: people do this, so I'm not like saying you're a
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: fucking idiot for doing it, but let's be real. In
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: my live show, I do a live Q and A
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: at the end where people scan a code send through
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: a question and the question comes up on the screen
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: and we're all reading it in world reading it live.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: There are times of people ask questions about unhealthy relationships.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: And you know the way I react when I first
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: read it and I'm like ah, and I'm about to talk.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: Everyone in the crowd is like oh my god.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: Yes, oh my god. So everyone instinctively knows, at least
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: of my listeners instinctively, their visceral reaction is they know
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: when it's a red flag. They know when a behavior
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: is not good enough, they know when someone should walk away. Right.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: But when it comes.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: To us, we choose to see what we want to
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: see and not see what we don't want to see.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: But what I'm telling you is that the clues and
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: the signals that someone doesn't love you are there. And
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I can speak from experience. I've been in relationships where
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: so so clearly they didn't love me, but they needed me,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: and they you know, they wanted the companionship. They want
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: to have someone by their side. There were all these
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: things that I ticked off in their thing of needs.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: A lot of men don't want to be alone. And
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: I'm saying I'm generalizing. You're talking about men. Women are
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: the same. But in a lot of unhealthy relationships, you'll think, well,
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: the man doesn't need me financially, it's the alone thing
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: that they don't want. So they will literally do quite
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: a lot to get you into their life. But it's
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: not because it's not out of love. It's because Now
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: I've got you by my side. Now I've got you
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: wherey I want you. I can kind of control you.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: But I'm also not alone. So it serves my ego,
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: it serves all these other things that I don't have
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: to deal with on my own time. Right, So, but
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: other things. You know when I said that people show you,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: how people show you over and over and over again.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: Here are examples they show you in how they prioritize you.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: If someone's never prioritizing you, but they prioritize other people,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: huge red flag. How they speak about you. Is it
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: always joking? Can they ever just be vulnerable and vulnerably
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: talk nice, nice, beautiful things about you?
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: Or is it like ohh the old ball and try
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: and fucker like the old.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Boomer energy of how boomers will talk about or gen
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: X talk about their partners in those fucked wedding speeches
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: that you see on fucking Instagram that make you like ooh,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: How they show up for you and the people that
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: you really care about, like if you needed, if you
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: desperately needed someone to help your parents do something, and
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: they bang, they're the first ones there because they care
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: about you, Because they're going to show up for you, right.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: They also, this is another thing that's really important to factoring.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: They don't want to lose if someone loves you. They
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: acknowledge that they love you, and they always act like
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: they don't want to lose you if someone doesn't love you,
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: especially a narcissist, So watch out for this. They will
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: only act like they don't want to lose you when
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: they're on the brink of losing you. And the reason
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: for that is ego centered. Okay, you never see someone
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: scram mbling so hard and gas lighting and love bombing
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: so hard as a narcissist who's about to lose the
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: person that or not even an narsist necessarily, but a
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: toxic person who's about to lose their partner because their
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: partner's going to dump them. Okay, so they see that
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: you're going to dump them, they take that as a
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: huge attack on their ego. They'll do anything to get
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: you back, so they'll have these gestures that they never
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: normally display, but they're displaying it now to get you back.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: So you think, wow, I've never seen this. I'm going
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: to stay. This is amazing. They've now realized what they
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: had and they don't want to let it go, so
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: you think it's that, then you stay with them only
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: for them to get you feels feeling secure, to get
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: you feeling and love again, and then they have no
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: problem dumping you. No problem. It's because they saw I'm
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: going to lose them soon, but it's got to be
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: on my terms. My ego cannot handle that, so I'm
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: going to do everything to get them back, and then
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: when I'm good and ready, I'll get rid of them,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: and then they'll be dating someone three seconds later. It's
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: so when you look at this, are they aware that, like,
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: do they actually like they never want to lose you
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: all the time, or only when you're threatening to leave,
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: or only when you're actually walking out the door, and
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: then they're crawling back, Because that is a huge signal.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: If you can't read that as a signal, you're kidding yourself.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: You're telling yourself, Oh, why did it actually take that
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: long for this person to understand my word?
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: Why did it?
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: It's because they don't love you. I'm sorry, they do
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: not love you. Repeat that record it put it in
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: a fucking alarm clock. Listen to my voice saying that
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: every single morning. To save yourself.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Going back to this.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: Fuck wit who doesn't love you. You are wasting your time, okay.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: And then the last part five before I go into
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: identifying and all of that is your independence is always
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: going to be your power. Okay. Once you are completely independent,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: then lean on people, ask for help from people, use people.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: But you never want to give up your independence to
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: a partner, emotional, financial, whatever kind of independence, because the
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: moment you do, then the playing field is no longer
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: even right.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: You've given them the power.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: And then you start to settle, not because you want to,
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: but because you have to, and then you start to
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: kid yourself, and then you believe lies. But the truth
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: is you're living a miserable life walking on eggshells. Okay,
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: So you always have to focus on your need to
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: be emotionally independent and truly understand what it's like to
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: walk away from someone who doesn't actually love you, who
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: has rejected you a thousand times, and you allow that
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: rejection to happen again and again and again, because the
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: rejection doesn't have to been we've broken up, we're done.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: A rejection can happen, happened multiple.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: Times a day from an unhealthy relationship, and that you're
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: living in day in day out, where they reject you emotionally,
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: they reject you know your feelings, they reject, They dismiss, dismiss, dismiss. Okay. Now,
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: when you are resourceful, independent with your emotions, you are
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: able to calm yourself move forward alone. You stop clinging
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: people who don't even want to be like, clinging on
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: to people who don't even want to be kept right.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: You learn how to not chase somebody. You learn the
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: difference between the fun, flirtatious nature of dating versus chasing
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: someone down you know you don't. You aren't begging to
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: be chosen. You aren't begging to be seen. You aren't
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: dripping first traps everywhere, hoping home being opening that they
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: see you. You're constantly able to choose yourself more and
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: anyone who's not really interested is not really your problem.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: It's not like, well fuck you if you don't see
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: my value. It's not even that. It's I understand that
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: you might not see what I have to offer because
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: you might not need what I have to offer.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: It's not a bitter exchange.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: I don't like it when people are like, you know,
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: if you can't have me at my worst, you can't
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: have me at my best, like, fuck off, everyone's got
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: their own shit to deal with whatever, Just be happy.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: If someone doesn't want to see your value, it's not
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: because they don't want to see your value. It's because
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: maybe they don't value what you think you have to offer,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: but someone else will. So let's not get caught up
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: in this revenge cycle of like the cock the county
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: didn't he never fucking you're then causing yourself animosity because
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: they're off living their best life. They don't give a
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: fuck and you should feel the same way.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: Okay, now let's talk about how to identify getting caught
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: up in all of this.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Sense. So we've got three points, three like to do
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: list points. So the number one thing is how do
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: identify when you are caught in this trap?
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: So, whether it's you or whether it's a.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: Friend who you want to learn the signals. This is
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: important because once you're emotionally invested, the red flags start
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: looking like personality traits or quirks that you're like, oh
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: but the poor thing, all right, So number one is
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: you do feel needed, but you never really feel valued. Right,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: You're important, but only when it serves them. It's not
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: like you're always this important thing. Okay, So I remember
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: one of my you know, my unhealthy ex. I didn't
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: really feel valued until we would be going out somewhere
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: and then he would be like, I want you to
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: wear this, I want you to dress up. We're going
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: to do this, because it was like, you're the one
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: on my arm. I need you to be a certain thing,
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: be a certain way. But then when I would do that,
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: he would be like, oh my god, like compliments this
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: that it was great, So well great at the time
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: based on what I thought was good and what was bad.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: So that's kind of where you feel needed.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: But you don't feel just valued.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: For who you are, right, Your opinions aren't valued. Your
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: how you you know, the points you put across during
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: an argument are not valued. They love how you make
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: them feel. They don't necessarily love who you are, all right,
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: So pay attention to the compliments that they give you.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: Is it I love your independence, I love how you
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: are with other people, I love your go get an attitude.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: Or is it you make me I like when you
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: do this for me. I like when you do this
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: for you know, when you you know, in the mornings,
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: when you do this, I like, is it always like
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: things that you do for them or things that you
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: make them feel, because it's fine for them to acknowledge both,
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: and it's nice for them to acknowledge both, but if
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: it's only ever what you can provide for them and
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: not them just saying I like this about you independently,
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: whether we're together or not, whether you were, whether you
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: knew who I was or not, this is what I
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: love about you.
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: Can they do that? And do they do that?
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: Okay? They come to you when they really need you,
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: like say they're going through a hard time, or they're anxious,
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: or they want to like open up about something, or
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: they're feeling lonely, they come to you, But when they're happy,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: they're distant, they go to other people. They you know,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: when they don't need you, But when they could have
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: their quality fun time, they're probably that with someone else.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Massive red flag, massive warning sign. They often breadcrumb you
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: with this like almost I almost love you, but it's
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: kind of it's just enough to keep you in that
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: hope stage. And again, like I said, if they feel
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: that you start pulling away, then they and then they
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: pull away, and it's just like a bit of a game.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: Like I just need you, they're enough. Right, You're constantly
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: explaining their behavior to other people, like they had a
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: rough child who they're not good with their emotions, kind
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: of what I spoke about before. You feel responsible for
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: their happiness, right, And this is a really scary trap
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: to fall into, because of course, you want to provide
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: your partner with happiness. You want to provide the person
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: you love, you want them to be happy. But if
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: you feel I am responsible for their happiness, then you're
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: probably gonna omit saying certain things. You're gonna omit opening
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: up about not being happy about certain things in the relationship.
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: It's a slippery fucking slope.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Okay, And this, you know, it's like an intense euphoric relationship.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: The highs are really high because it's that relief of like,
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: oh my god, they actually, oh my god, you know,
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: they've validated how I feel. And the lows are really
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: low because deep down, they don't love you, so they
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: don't care about making you feel relatively low or insignificant
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: in their lives. Because if they loved you, they would
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: acknowledge that. But because they don't love you, they either
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: it's not on their radar or they it is and
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: they just don't care. So if you ask yourself, why
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: am I feeling more anxious then I feel secure?
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: It may be for these reasons.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: Now, I don't want to say that as a blanket statement,
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: because sometimes you might just be anxious in general, have
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: anxious attachment, and find yourself in a healthy relationship and
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: still feel anxious. So I don't want to say that
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: all anxiety and no security will equal that, but that
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: is something to ask yourself. Am I feeling more anxious
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: than I am secure? Is it because of my past
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: and I can see a pattern, or is it because
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: certain behaviors that crop up regularly are kind of waking
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: up my anxiety more than I was when I was single,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: for example? And also ask yourself, does it feel like
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: I'm doing all the emotional heavy lifting when we have
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: an argument? Is it up to me to mend the
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: thing when we have an argument? Is it up to
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: me to be kind of walking on eggshells? Do I
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm like that they could leave at any time,
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: but I'm the one who's always like, oh my god,
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: make sure they don't leave, Make sure they don't leave.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: That is you being rejected a thousand times over by
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: the same person.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: Sorry to say it, but that's what's happening now.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: Number two, how are we going to mentally back ourselves
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: when they try to pull you back in?
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: Okay, So, like I said.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: Before, the moment you start pulling away, whether it's like
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: I actually am going to leave, I'm done, you're not
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: even trying to threaten. You're just saying like it's this
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: is just not working for me, I'm walking away. That's
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: when they come back, okay, not because they've changed, but
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: because they feel the power shift. They don't like.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: Someone else in the power. They want that power back.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: Okay. So you've got to mentally prep yourself for when
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: this happens, because it will happen. It will happen, whether
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: it's within a week or a few months, or for
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: some people unfortunately even longer than that. Okay, but this
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: is what I want you to remember. Number one. I
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: want you to write down and have accessible until you
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: completely over them. Have accessible in a list, ideally somewhay accessible,
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: so maybe on your phone, all the reasons why you
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: had to leave, why you left, and I want you
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: to reread it often and if they come sliding into
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: your DM's bang you're reading that thing.
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: You also don't want to.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: Be explaining and over explaining yourself, because at the end
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: of the day, if someone doesn't love you, you are
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: wasting your time explaining yourself and.
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: What a doubting Oh my god, probably heart you can.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: You're entitled to do so, but you're also wasting your
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: breath and your energy. If you think you're going to
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: get something back in return. If this is just like, oh,
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: it's cathartic for me. If I can write that letter
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: and do it, do it. But if you think I
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: need to tell them that because maybe it's going to
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: make them realize, No, don't do it for an outcome.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: Do it if it feels cathartic.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: The next thing is their attention to you is not
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: proof that this person has changed. Just because all of
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: a sudden you're walking away from the relationship, they're now
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: giving you the attention. They have not changed. They are
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: aware that the power dynamic changed and they don't like it,
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: and they want to have the power back. That is it.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: That is it. If the only.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: Time someone can start doing the things that you've asked
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: them to do for a very long time is when
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: you are on the brink of leaving. It means that
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: they need you. They don't love you. They need you
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: for their ego. They don't love you because anyone who
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: loves someone else would want to do the things that
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: makes their partner happy within reason. Okay, now back yourself
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: like you would back your best friend. Okay, so.
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: Do kind of like.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Those conversations that you would have with your friend if
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: you saw them going back to an unhealthy ex things
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: you'd say to the friend. You would talk about all
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: the attributes that your friend has and why they don't
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: need them. You would remind them of all the things
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: that they have available, all the good people around them,
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: all the good relationships, all you know, all these things
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: that you would do to g You're framed up to
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: be like no, equip yourself like mentally like no, this
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: is why like snap out of it. You've got to
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: prepare that for yourself as well, so when you're having
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: a weak moment, you can be like, wait a minute,
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: these are all the good things that happening. I've done
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: all this, I've achieved this, I've got this, I've got
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: these people in my life. You know, I'm just having
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: a weak moment because I've adapted. I've adapted into thinking
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: that that person loved me, when in reality, they're just
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: going to reject me again.
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: If I go back, That's what's going to happen.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: I'm going to go back and I'm going to allow
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: another rejection for what is the question? Right? The next
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: thing is identify manipulation disguised as a second chance. Okay,
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: so you've got to say, this is manipulation disguised as
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: a second chance. If they come crawling back, they this
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: is and you know, if they're doing all those behaviors,
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: doing exactly what you want them to do, saying the
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: things that you wanted to say but they never did
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: in the relationship, they're manipulating. You call it for what
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: it is, and then ask yourself, is this love or
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: is this the fear of loneliness? Right? Because often you'll
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: also see when couples break up, often the guy we're
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: talking about heterosexual couples. Here's so sorry to put a
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: blanket example, but in heterosexual couples, you see a breakup,
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: and often you'll see the guy cruising, laughing good times
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: and the girl woman going through a hard time, right,
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: because she's processing it in the moment and again this
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: is generalizing, but then often what happens is that after
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: this cruising time, the woman's done the healing, she's processed,
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: she's like, all right, I'm rebuilding that was fucked, getting
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: myself back together. And then after this cruising distraction ha
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: ha ha, the guys are like, oh wait a minute,
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: I actually I am quite lonely. I actually, you know,
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: I actually miss that stability and I miss you know,
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: having this person by my side and like at my
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: beck and call.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: So then they come crawling back.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: They come crawling back because they're in a moment of
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: like weakness, loneliness, maybe they got rejected by other people,
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: and then they're like, well, I know who won't reject me?
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: This can't over here, this fucon can't over here. Who
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: falls with my shit every single time? Are you going
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: to be that cunt? Or are you not? That is
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: the question you need to ask yourself now. Then, lastly
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: before I go into the final bit, is you don't
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: need one last conversation. You don't need that final talk.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: You don't need for them to explain, and you don't
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: need for you to explain you calling it and walking
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: away based on the information that you got from dating
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: this person is enough information. We are so fucked in
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: the head, all of us, all of us, we as
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: a collective are fucked because like Away, well, we literally
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: will date someone, we will see everything we need to see.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: We've got all the evidence, We've got all the information
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: we need. Then we think, Okay, I've seen what I
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: needed to say. I'm gonna I'm gonna call in, I'm done.
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: And then they're like, let me explain, and then we're like, yes,
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: by aways, explain that what the fuck can be said
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: that can undo someone's character, someone's consistency in their.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: Behavior of how they treated you.
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: Nothing. There is not one thing someone can say that
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: can undo character and behavior on a consistent basis. So
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: if you've dated someone, lived with someone, spend time with them,
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: seeing a consistent pattern of how they've treated you, and
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: then you've walked away, and then they're like, let me
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: explain one conversation that one conversation is going to do.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: Fuck all.
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: The only thing that one conversation is.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: Going to do, it's going to get you in your
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: moment of weakness. It's gonna get you when you're weak
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: and down and missing them, and it's going to manipulate
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: you to to enter that relationship again believing the bullshit,
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: believing all these lies. So that is what you have
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: to remind yourself of. Now. The last part is how
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: to kind of know what real love looks like in comparison,
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: just to remind yourself every time you're like, oh but
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: maybe just these are the key points. Okay, as we
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: wrap up, so you're going to know it's real love
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: when it feels safe and not addictive. Okay, there's not
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: the crazy highs and lows. But what people need to
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: understand because I think people think, oh so real love
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: is boring. It's far from boring. It's far from boring.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: But what doesn't exist is the crazy highs and lows.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: What people don't realize is they think that unhealthy, like
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: toxic relationships, or like, you know, I need a little
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: bit of toxic in my relationship.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: The reason we think that is because.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: We've gone through it before and while it sucked, the
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: highs felt really good, so we kind of got addicted
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: to that roller coaster, like the highs and lows. Right.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: The problem is that the highs actually know better than
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: the good times in a healthy relationship.
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: They just feel euphoric.
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: Because we are on this roller coaster of anxiety and
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: like dopamine and then like a huge amount of lack
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: wherein we're in fear and withdrawal and when you're scared
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: and when you're fearful of being abandoned, and then you
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: get you know, you get you know, reaffirmed that they
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: do actually want you in their life. That up and
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: down because the downs like oh, I'm going through like
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: oh my god, a withdrawal and my god, it's pain perment,
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: and then they give you that reassurance unbelievable. So in
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: contrast the emotions, the flood of emotion that you feel
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: feels so much better, but the actual thing that you're
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: getting is often not even as good as what you
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: get in a healthy relationship. It's actually a fraction of
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: that's it's crumbs in comparison. But we're talking about it's
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: the peak of the roller coaster. If you've been down
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: here and then you come me, that feels much better
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: than if you've been you know, just stagnant, nice and healthy, healthy, healthy,
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: and then there's a little peak and then healthy healthy, healthy, Okay.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: So the addiction is what you're looking out for.
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: It doesn't feel addictive?
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: Are they on my mind all the time?
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: And am I thinking when I can't?
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: I can't not be on my phone? Right? Consistency over intensity.
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: You don't want to be playing these waiting games. You
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: don't want to always be waiting by the phone. You
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: don't want to be guessing. You don't want to be
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: what could they be thinking, Oh, they've left me on
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: redit even when we've been dating for months on end. No,
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: it's consistency. It's not this crazy intensity. You feel like
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: yourself around them. You don't feel like you like it's
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: not like I know what they like. So I'm going
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: to try and perform in that way. I'm going to
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: try and behave that way. No, you could just yourself.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: You feel like you're prioritized, not when it's convenient, but
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: just they always will try and prioritize you when possible.
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: They see your worth and they behave like they're lucky
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: to have you in their life. Like they say things
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: and do gestures which show that they're like really pumps
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: to have you in their life. They're like, you know,
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: they eat, whether they want to show you off, or
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: whether they say certain things or do certain things. You
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: can tell that. They're like, oh, I'm so lucky, I'm
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: so fortunate to have you in my life. Okay, it's
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: not like, you know, I'm a really good person. You're
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: like it to have me, you know, And they turn
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: the tables around and try and make it about themselves.
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: There is respect even in conflict.
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: That's a huge one when someone loves you, there is
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: respect in conflict. You can have a fight, and you
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: can have a disagreement. You can like like blow up
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: and the walk away from each other, but very quickly
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: there's this deep care for the other person. There's this
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: deep knowing that I don't want you to think that
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: I'm angry at you. I don't want to think that
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: I hate you right now, I don't like I care
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: about how you're feeling. I respect your feelings, and therefore
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: I'm going to do what I can to soothe. Even
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: if we still disagree, even if we're still annoyed at
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: each other, I also don't want you spiraling over there.
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: I care about your feelings. Okay. They don't use shame.
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: They don't, you know, character assassinate you. They don't use
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: words as weapons. They don't use the silent treatment for
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: a prolonged period of time, or.
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: Just the silent treatment.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: In general, I think it's fine to walk away from
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: an argument if you warn them, say I need just
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: I need a moment before I say something i'll regret,
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: But to just go silent as a way of punishment,
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: they don't do that. And the other thing, the biggest thing,
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: and this is a whole episode, in just the final
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: sentence that I'm going to say, but I wanted to
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: throw it in there, is that you grow inside a
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: relationship where you are loved, not shrink. If you are
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: in a relationship where you are not loved but just needed,
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: and when there's this constant rejection of who you are,
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: but you maintain that relationship, you will shrink as an individual.
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: You'll become a shell of your former self. So really
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, am I am I the maximized version of
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: me being in this relationship? Or am I a shell
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: of my former self? And that is the only question, really,
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: if you're going to ask yourself one question from this
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: entire episode, that's the one I want you to ask.
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: Because real love you will flourish, because you will have autonomy, independence,
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: but you feel supported, you feel like you've got someone
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: that you can lean on that maybe you do lean on,
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: and then you can also be that person for somebody else.
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: You grow together, you really flourish. You feel like you
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: are in a safe space to you know, blossom into
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: the person that you want to become. Many times over,
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: when you are in a relationship where you don't feel loved,
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: and it's a risky place to be because you don't
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: know if they're if around the corner, they're going to
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: still love you tomorrow or this or that like it.
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: It's unsettling. You're always being rejected by this person. They
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: come crawling back back. Bahah. You don't have the bandwidth
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: to be creative and flourishing and being your best self.
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: You start to not initially, not straight.
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: Away, but it starts to erode it who you are. Okay, So.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: Someone who really loves you is always going to show
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: you that you are worth their time. They're not going
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: to try and make you prove that you're worth it.
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: They know you are right. They don't wait until you're
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: walking away to fight for you. They don't reject you
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: throughout the day by dismissing you and making you feel
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: less than and always doing the power play so you
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: know that they are more powerful than you are in
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: that relationship. They will show up before thing, before shit
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: hits the time and time again because they know that
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: you are, that they love you, that you're worth it,
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: and that they don't want to lose you. You know,
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: they show you through their actions that they want to
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: keep you in their life because they love you, not
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: because you serve them, but because they love you as
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: an individual. Okay, and they also make it relatively easy
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: for you to love them back. Okay. So that is
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: the podcast episode for today.
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: I hope that you are able to take in as
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: much of that as possible. I just feel like.
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: So many of us are in this situation where or
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: have been in this situation, or our best friends or
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: our siblings or whatever are in this situation, and from
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: the hour side you can see it. But when you're
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: in the inside, you start to make excuses and you
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: start to adapt, and you start to you know, take
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: bits of crumbs and put these crumbs together and make
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: it what you want it to be, because ultimately, we
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: all want to feel loved. So if you are in
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: a relationship, we're going to do everything in our power
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: to convince ourselves that the person that we're dating loves us,
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: but it is not always the case, and better to
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: identify it sooner rather than later. And if you're in
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: a situation right now when things have ended but they're
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: crawling back, this is the time to listen to this
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: episode fifty five times over so you are like, do
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: not snap because and like go back to them. Don't
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: crack and go back because you will regret it and
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: it's going to be such a waste of your time,
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: such a waste of your time because you already have
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: the answers. Guys, thank you so much for listening to
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: this episode today. As always, please remember be kind to yourself,
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: be kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't it