Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Family Narcissist Bingo. How many did you tick off?

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Family Narcissist Bingo. How many did you tick off? · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:11
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode
0:16
Speaker 1: of Today, where I come to you with yet again
0:18
Speaker 1: another husky voice. I feel like I'm really leaning into
0:21
Speaker 1: the OG days where my voice was so husky in
0:23
Speaker 1: the first kind of year and a half of the
0:25
Speaker 1: podcast because I was also teaching pilates and teaching way
0:28
Speaker 1: too many classes, and I felt like I was destined
0:32
Speaker 1: to have permanently damaged vocal cords, but they slowly came
0:34
Speaker 1: back to life. But now I don't know why my
0:37
Speaker 1: voice is completely gone. This is why this episode is
0:40
Speaker 1: coming out on a Tuesday, not a Monday, because my
0:43
Speaker 1: voice was ten times worse than it currently is over
0:47
Speaker 1: the weekend. It was just woeful. Anyway, boring, We're not
0:51
Speaker 1: going to speak about my voice any longer. If you
0:53
Speaker 1: can deal with my husky voice, then let's press on.
0:57
Speaker 1: So this episode is actually going to be a slightly
1:02
Speaker 1: different take on how we go through a checklist of
1:06
Speaker 1: knowing if you're dealing with a narcissist. And I actually
1:09
Speaker 1: thought that we would do this because of the amount
1:12
Speaker 1: of questions that I get, whether it's in my DMS,
1:14
Speaker 1: whether it's a respond to and ask me anything on
1:16
Speaker 1: my Instagram or also, of course in my emails with
1:20
Speaker 1: head noise questions and all of that, so many of
1:23
Speaker 1: you speak about dealing with family members or in laws
1:26
Speaker 1: in particular parents and parents and laws as well. And
1:31
Speaker 1: there's so many behaviors that not just with what you
1:35
Speaker 1: guys have written in, but also that's just been documented
1:39
Speaker 1: in psychology for years that narcissists do, especially and I'm
1:44
Speaker 1: not necessarily talking about in a romantic relationship. This is
1:47
Speaker 1: more family narcissists and how they treat their children and
1:50
Speaker 1: different people in the family. That I thought it would
1:53
Speaker 1: be a nice quote unquite nice, I don't know if
1:56
Speaker 1: you want to call it nice, but something that's maybe
1:58
Speaker 1: like a bit therapeutic for you guys to go through
2:02
Speaker 1: this family narcissist bing go. I am putting a lighthearted spin,
2:05
Speaker 1: but it's not to take away from how serious it
2:08
Speaker 1: is dealing with a narcissist in your life. I just
2:11
Speaker 1: thought i'd do something like this as a way of
2:13
Speaker 1: you guys being like, oh my god, there's so many
2:16
Speaker 1: people that understand my position and get me. Also, if
2:21
Speaker 1: you don't have a narcissist in your family, where there
2:24
Speaker 1: are many many families that don't have narcissists. It's actually
2:27
Speaker 1: the you know, having a narcissist in your family is
2:30
Speaker 1: not really the most common thing, but it's more common
2:32
Speaker 1: than we'd realize, Okay, And I thought that it would
2:35
Speaker 1: be cool to just do this episode because you might,
2:38
Speaker 1: you know, have heard your friend talk about this and
2:40
Speaker 1: be like, oh my god, I get what they're going through.
2:43
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that must be so frustrating. It's kind
2:45
Speaker 1: of like a way to bond with other people that
2:48
Speaker 1: are in the same boat as you and feel a
2:50
Speaker 1: little bit less alone of having to deal with this
2:52
Speaker 1: kind of behavior. So it's not to take the piss
2:54
Speaker 1: and make it more light and make light of it
2:56
Speaker 1: like it's nothing, but it's more so to make you
2:58
Speaker 1: feel like, yeah, wow, there's so many people that actually
3:01
Speaker 1: do understand the fucking shit that I'm going through, Because
3:04
Speaker 1: sometimes when you've got a narcissist in your family, especially
3:07
Speaker 1: with some of the behaviors that I speak about, it
3:09
Speaker 1: makes you feel like you're the one that's going crazy
3:12
Speaker 1: and everyone on the outside believes them and doesn't believe you.
3:15
Speaker 1: And this is just to show you that that is
3:17
Speaker 1: not the case at all, and you're not the crazy
3:19
Speaker 1: one anyway. So that is what we're going to be
3:21
Speaker 1: talking about. Also very quickly, I know, I said I
3:25
Speaker 1: was going to do a poll on my Instagram regarding
3:29
Speaker 1: which one you wanted, and the pole wasn't put up,
3:31
Speaker 1: And it's actually because I don't want to bore you
3:33
Speaker 1: with the details of like the ins and outs of
3:35
Speaker 1: the tech that goes on behind the fucking podcast. But
3:38
Speaker 1: just in a nutshell, I was just moving over who
3:41
Speaker 1: the hosting server was of the podcast, which means nothing
3:44
Speaker 1: for you guys, It doesn't change your listening experience. But
3:47
Speaker 1: due to that, there was like a bit of a
3:49
Speaker 1: lag of when that was happening, and therefore I couldn't
3:51
Speaker 1: actually put the poll up when I wanted to. But
3:54
Speaker 1: you guys did comment and the comments were great, So
3:58
Speaker 1: it's kind of reinforced what I thought, and that is
4:00
Speaker 1: to return back to the old style format where we've
4:03
Speaker 1: got brain factor, then the body of the podcast, and
4:04
Speaker 1: then one question at the end. So we're doing that today.
4:08
Speaker 1: So the brain fact that we're going to be talking about,
4:10
Speaker 1: it's actually a pharmacology fact. You guys. You fucking know me.
4:14
Speaker 1: The ogs that especially the ogs that we're commenting, You
4:18
Speaker 1: know how much I love pharmacology, especially when we talk
4:20
Speaker 1: about drugs and drug design and you know, the mechanism
4:25
Speaker 1: of action, the pharmacology. And one thing that I love
4:28
Speaker 1: almost more than anything when it comes to pharmacology is
4:31
Speaker 1: drugs that have been taken off the market. And why
4:34
Speaker 1: so the brain slash drug fact of today is methaqualone
4:40
Speaker 1: also known as quaaludes. We're gonna be talking about the
4:43
Speaker 1: rise and fall of coludes and it's kind of like
4:45
Speaker 1: this quote unquote safe sedative that absolutely was not safe. Okay.
4:51
Speaker 1: So I find that something so interesting about pharmacology is
4:54
Speaker 1: like how often, you know, medicine and you know, therapy,
5:00
Speaker 1: drug will become such a fucking disaster and then needs
5:03
Speaker 1: to be pulled off the market because often because of abuse.
5:07
Speaker 1: You know, there will be well intended you know, use
5:10
Speaker 1: for that drug and the way it works actually works
5:13
Speaker 1: how they intend it to work. But then because the
5:15
Speaker 1: side effects are so dangerous, or because the misuse of
5:18
Speaker 1: that drug can be so dangerous and when in the
5:20
Speaker 1: wrong hands or when people use it recreationally, then it's
5:24
Speaker 1: borderline a catastrophe and then it has to be kind
5:26
Speaker 1: of pulled off. But quayludes were marketed in the nineteen
5:29
Speaker 1: fifties and sixties as a believe it or not, safer
5:32
Speaker 1: alternative to barbiturates. And I've done a whole brain fact
5:36
Speaker 1: on barbiturates, but I will kind of brush over them
5:39
Speaker 1: in a second. But yeah, they eventually became after that
5:44
Speaker 1: one of the most famous recreational sedative drugs of the
5:48
Speaker 1: nineteen seventies, and the name Quaylude actually comes from the
5:53
Speaker 1: phrase quiet interlude, which suggests like peaceful, RESTful experience for
6:00
Speaker 1: users who were wanted to treat insomnia or anxiety. So methaqualone,
6:06
Speaker 1: which is you know, qualudes are methaqualones. It's a sedative
6:10
Speaker 1: hypnotic drug. So it works as a central nervous system depressant,
6:16
Speaker 1: and a lot of the drugs that I talk about,
6:19
Speaker 1: especially when you're treating things like anxiety or insomnia or
6:22
Speaker 1: other related things, work as a central nervous system depressant.
6:27
Speaker 1: You are reducing activity in the CNS instead of being
6:31
Speaker 1: something that's going to increase activity. Okay, So you're depressing
6:35
Speaker 1: that activity and you're enhancing signaling at the gabba a
6:39
Speaker 1: receptor complex. Okay, I'll go into that in a second.
6:42
Speaker 1: But in like broad terms, it's got similar effects to alcohol, barbiturates,
6:46
Speaker 1: and benzodiazepines as well. So to break it down, Gabba
6:50
Speaker 1: is the brand's major inhibitory and neurotransmitter. He basically is
6:54
Speaker 1: telling the neurons to stop firing or fire less or
6:57
Speaker 1: to calm down. Methaqualone is amplifying that signaling, this inhibitory
7:03
Speaker 1: signaling of Gabba, and then that creates sedation, muscle relaxation,
7:07
Speaker 1: It lowers anxiety, it reduces inhibition, and then it also
7:13
Speaker 1: increases sleepiness. So you want to look at it as
7:16
Speaker 1: it's kind of turning down the excitability in your neurons.
7:20
Speaker 1: We've got relaxation, euphoria, slowed reaction time, also impaired memory,
7:24
Speaker 1: but also reduced anxiety and much higher doses you've got
7:29
Speaker 1: respiratory depression as well, which is not a good thing. Now,
7:32
Speaker 1: if you guys ever watched The Wolf of Wall Street,
7:36
Speaker 1: you see when he takes all the kayludes and gets
7:39
Speaker 1: really fucked up. And what's not funny or it's not anything,
7:44
Speaker 1: but at the time where coayludes were such a big
7:47
Speaker 1: recreational drug and when this movie is set and when
7:50
Speaker 1: he was taking all those coludes, it had already been
7:52
Speaker 1: pulled off the market, so it already was just kind
7:55
Speaker 1: of a recreational, illegal substance to be taking, and it
7:58
Speaker 1: wasn't something that you were just casually be taking for
8:01
Speaker 1: medical purposes even at the time. But initially doctors loved
8:05
Speaker 1: coelude so much or methaqualone because they were really really
8:08
Speaker 1: desperate to find an alternative to barbiturates, because barbiturates had
8:12
Speaker 1: this really small therapeutic window and they were used to
8:15
Speaker 1: treat in so many anxiety seizures, to also induce anesthesia
8:21
Speaker 1: by acting as sedatives and hypnotics, but also they were
8:25
Speaker 1: dangerous due to like a really high risk of addiction,
8:28
Speaker 1: fatal overdoses, and also really really bad withdrawals. Now, when
8:33
Speaker 1: we talk about it small therapeutic window, it means that
8:36
Speaker 1: the dose that's required for sedation is really dangerously close
8:41
Speaker 1: to the same that that dose that could stop you
8:44
Speaker 1: from breathing, so that the window where it works for
8:47
Speaker 1: its intended purpose is small, therefore making it dangerous. Methaqualone
8:53
Speaker 1: was introduced as like a supposedly safer pharmaceutical option, and
9:01
Speaker 1: because of that it exploded in popularity. But it's actually
9:05
Speaker 1: not that safe at all. Now, let's first talk about
9:08
Speaker 1: the mechanism of action. So it acts as something called
9:11
Speaker 1: a positive alisteric modulator of the GABBA a receptor. Let's
9:15
Speaker 1: break that down, because what the fuck am I talking about?
9:18
Speaker 1: So it doesn't replace GABBA. When we talk about allosteric
9:22
Speaker 1: binding site or an allosteric modulator, you have different binding
9:26
Speaker 1: sites on a receptor within the brain, Okay, So if
9:30
Speaker 1: something binds to the allosteric site, it can enhance or
9:33
Speaker 1: diminish the activity off the main molecule that's going to
9:37
Speaker 1: bind on that site. So let's say GABBA is the
9:40
Speaker 1: molecule that's binding on this site. The alisteric site is
9:44
Speaker 1: not where GABBA is binding. So you can then bind
9:46
Speaker 1: something onto that site not compete with where GABBA binds to,
9:52
Speaker 1: and you can turn up or turn down what's going on.
9:55
Speaker 1: So when we talk about a positive alisteric modulator, it
9:58
Speaker 1: is modulating the activity of but not competing with, and
10:02
Speaker 1: in this case, it is increasing the effects of endogenous GABA,
10:06
Speaker 1: that is gaba that is already produced within the body. Now,
10:10
Speaker 1: when GABA binds, chloride ions flow into this neuron. The
10:14
Speaker 1: neuron becomes negatively charged neural firing becomes less likely because
10:20
Speaker 1: it is negatively charged, and therefore methaqualone is enhancing that
10:24
Speaker 1: inhibitory effect. So functionally, your neurons are less active, your
10:29
Speaker 1: cortical activity slows down, arousal goes down. Also, your motor
10:34
Speaker 1: coordination gets worse. But then your anxiety reduces good times,
10:39
Speaker 1: and sedation also increases. Now, the reason that it works
10:43
Speaker 1: differently to other drugs like benzos, for example, is because
10:46
Speaker 1: it's not binding to the same site as benzos as
10:50
Speaker 1: one example. So the research is kind of showing that
10:54
Speaker 1: it's acting at a distinct allosteric site on the gabba
10:58
Speaker 1: A receptor. So I'm not going to go into crazy details,
11:01
Speaker 1: but you've got receptor subtypes and they're assembled in like
11:04
Speaker 1: subunits of like alpha, beta, gamma, delta, right, So different
11:07
Speaker 1: combinations of where it's binding too is going to have
11:10
Speaker 1: a different effect on the brain. So it's really fiddly,
11:13
Speaker 1: and I don't want to go into the crazy details
11:14
Speaker 1: because I don't want to give you unnecessary confusion when
11:17
Speaker 1: we talk about, you know, the mechanism of action. But
11:20
Speaker 1: that's roughly why you might see or hear it. For
11:22
Speaker 1: drug that binds to a recept and you think, well,
11:25
Speaker 1: if they're both binding and they're both working, you know
11:27
Speaker 1: on like modulating gab about why you're getting the exact
11:30
Speaker 1: same effects. It's because you might be looking at different
11:33
Speaker 1: subunits of where they're binding to, and that might explain
11:36
Speaker 1: why the effects could be different. But in a nutshell,
11:39
Speaker 1: you're getting all these different brain regions affected, like the cortex,
11:42
Speaker 1: and that's why it impairs your judgment, thinking inhibition, your
11:47
Speaker 1: limbic system. This is your amigdala emotional response circuits, and
11:50
Speaker 1: that's why you have lowered anxiety. And like this thing
11:54
Speaker 1: called emotional blunting, it kind of blunts the extremes of
11:57
Speaker 1: your emotions. Then the cerebellum, this is why you have
12:01
Speaker 1: that coordination impairment, slurred speech, stumbling. Again, if you watched
12:04
Speaker 1: Wolf of fall straight when he was really high on coeludes,
12:07
Speaker 1: that is why, because it was affecting his cerebellum and
12:10
Speaker 1: that takes care of like you know, your gait, your stance,
12:13
Speaker 1: your balance or things like that. Delayed reaction time as well.
12:17
Speaker 1: And then brainstem. This is the dangerous one. So if
12:20
Speaker 1: you suppress the gabba gabba urgic receptors in the brain stem.
12:26
Speaker 1: Then you're going to have like huge issues with your breathing,
12:31
Speaker 1: like it reduces your respiratory drive, and if you combine
12:38
Speaker 1: it with alcohol, that's when it can become absolutely lethal
12:41
Speaker 1: because they are both central nervous system depressants. Then when
12:47
Speaker 1: the like nineteen seventies hit that's when, like in the
12:50
Speaker 1: whole history of for like ten twenty years after they
12:52
Speaker 1: hit the market, they became huge and like the nightclub scene,
12:56
Speaker 1: and they were really really popular because people were mixing
12:58
Speaker 1: them with alcohol, so really amplified these sedative effects. So
13:03
Speaker 1: you become less responsive to your brain sorry, your brain
13:07
Speaker 1: stem becomes less responsive to this carbon dioxide build up,
13:11
Speaker 1: which reduces your respiratory drive. And then it doesn't look
13:15
Speaker 1: like this chaotic overdose. It doesn't look really really hectic.
13:19
Speaker 1: Sedative overdoses look really peaceful. People just seem really relaxed,
13:23
Speaker 1: really zoned out, and they're just kind of quote unquote
13:26
Speaker 1: fall asleep. But then they don't fucking wake up. They die.
13:31
Speaker 1: And so that is why it's so dangerous because it
13:34
Speaker 1: leads me to the almost last point of this no
13:37
Speaker 1: ceiling effect that a lot of quote unquote dangerous drugs have,
13:41
Speaker 1: and a no ceiling effect is where the more of
13:46
Speaker 1: the drug you have, the more of the effect you're
13:48
Speaker 1: gonna have. There's many drugs on the market, especially the
13:50
Speaker 1: ones that are considered medically to be safe drugs are
13:54
Speaker 1: ones that have a ceiling. So you could have x
13:56
Speaker 1: amount and you're gonna have X amount of response from
13:59
Speaker 1: your body, but if you keep going with the dose,
14:01
Speaker 1: your body doesn't respond any further. It's like this is
14:03
Speaker 1: the maximum response I will get, no matter if I
14:05
Speaker 1: continue the dose. That is why certain drugs are safe.
14:09
Speaker 1: Drugs with a no ceiling effect are obviously extremely dangerous
14:13
Speaker 1: because it's at you know, it's really at the discretion
14:17
Speaker 1: of the individual. If the individual is abusing this drug
14:19
Speaker 1: or they're using it for recreational purposes, then of course
14:23
Speaker 1: that's very dangerous because you're going to keep getting more
14:24
Speaker 1: and more and more depression of the central nervous system,
14:27
Speaker 1: and there is no ceiling, so the more you take,
14:29
Speaker 1: the more it goes up. You're then mixing it with
14:31
Speaker 1: other things such as alcohol, and that's when it becomes
14:33
Speaker 1: an absolute disaster. So to summarize it, obviously got discontinued
14:39
Speaker 1: by the late seventies early eighties. There was the overdose
14:42
Speaker 1: depths were climbing. Recreational abuse of coiludes were absolutely everywhere.
14:47
Speaker 1: Production through the black market also went up like crazy,
14:50
Speaker 1: and dependence rates also went up. You know where people
14:54
Speaker 1: when you become dependent on a drug and you can
14:56
Speaker 1: have more and more and more because your body starts
14:58
Speaker 1: altering how it how it can tolerate that drug. Okay,
15:01
Speaker 1: So dependence and tolerance became a lot higher. So that's
15:05
Speaker 1: when government started heavily restricting it. Yeah, and in specifically
15:10
Speaker 1: in the United States, quothas were moved to something called
15:12
Speaker 1: a Schedule one in nineteen eighty four, so that meant
15:15
Speaker 1: high abuse potential. It wasn't accepted in medical use anymore,
15:19
Speaker 1: and the production off it effectively ended. So that is
15:23
Speaker 1: the fun fact of quailudes. Ah cool. Let's get into
15:28
Speaker 1: the body of the podcast today. Okay, so we are
15:35
Speaker 1: going to be getting into family narcissist bingo. It's kind
15:41
Speaker 1: of like a put a finger down edition. If you've
15:43
Speaker 1: dealt with this bullshit, all right, So how many of
15:45
Speaker 1: these can you identify with? Or do you know someone
15:49
Speaker 1: who you like, a good friend of yours who is
15:51
Speaker 1: dealing with this. Here we go. I'm just going to
15:55
Speaker 1: I'm just going to go straight into it because I've
15:56
Speaker 1: already prefaced everything I had to say about it about
15:59
Speaker 1: him not being offensive. I'm not trying to whatever. I'm
16:01
Speaker 1: not trying to make live or something serious. I'm just
16:04
Speaker 1: trying to make you realize that so many people are
16:06
Speaker 1: going through what you might be going through. So here
16:08
Speaker 1: we go some of these things that are going to mention.
16:11
Speaker 1: It's going to be just one line that someone would say.
16:14
Speaker 1: And I want you to imagine this in a setting
16:16
Speaker 1: of when the family gets together or when you go
16:19
Speaker 1: and visit your family. I'm very often going to phrase
16:22
Speaker 1: this as when you're visiting parents or parents in law,
16:25
Speaker 1: because it is very common this experience when it is
16:27
Speaker 1: like parent child relationship, but it could also go for
16:31
Speaker 1: other relationships in the family as well. So bear that
16:34
Speaker 1: in mind as you're going through this stunning BINGO checklist.
16:38
Speaker 1: So let's begin number one, the phrase after all I
16:41
Speaker 1: have done for you? Tick that one off the list.
16:45
Speaker 1: So when someone is especially a parent, saying after all
16:48
Speaker 1: I have done for you, when a parent is always
16:52
Speaker 1: expecting a child to repay them for the Ford parenting,
16:56
Speaker 1: for basic parenting, for basically keeping you alive as a
17:00
Speaker 1: child that is extremely unhinged thought process and behavior. Obviously,
17:06
Speaker 1: because this goes without saying, but if I'm a parent,
17:09
Speaker 1: I've chosen to have this child. And even if it
17:11
Speaker 1: was like, oh, maybe I didn't want it, or maybe
17:13
Speaker 1: I wasn't ready, it's still not the child's fucking fault.
17:15
Speaker 1: It is still your responsibility as a parent to raise
17:18
Speaker 1: the child and assist. A narcissistic parent will say, after
17:22
Speaker 1: all I have done for you, and when you're referring to, well,
17:24
Speaker 1: what have you done for me? I raised you like
17:27
Speaker 1: I literally didn't let your stuff to death. I literally
17:30
Speaker 1: had a roof over your head. I did the bare
17:32
Speaker 1: minimum of what a parent should be doing. Next one,
17:36
Speaker 1: sorry I wasn't the perfect let's say parent in cert
17:39
Speaker 1: relationship status. Sorry I wasn't the perfect mother. Sorry I
17:42
Speaker 1: wasn't the perfect So if you make one statement that
17:46
Speaker 1: could be deemed as some sort of a judgment instead
17:49
Speaker 1: of them saying, yeah, wow, you know, it's interesting, how
17:52
Speaker 1: like parenting has changed so much and now in hindsight,
17:54
Speaker 1: and we look at what we used to do and
17:56
Speaker 1: how things have evolved for the better or how things
17:58
Speaker 1: have evolved. Instead of opening it up for a healthy
18:00
Speaker 1: debate or discussion about parenting styles or what was wrong
18:04
Speaker 1: back then, and maybe they didn't realize and now they
18:06
Speaker 1: can reflect. No, they'll they'll then say, oh, you think
18:09
Speaker 1: I made a mistake, got sorry, apologies, I'm so sorry.
18:13
Speaker 1: I wasn't the perfect parents. Sorry. They effectively make such
18:16
Speaker 1: a big, universal, sweeping statement to shut down anything you said,
18:20
Speaker 1: and that kind of behavior obviously stops you from feeling
18:23
Speaker 1: comfortable or feeling like it is a safe space for
18:26
Speaker 1: you to ever bring up anything about their parenting, because
18:29
Speaker 1: instead of them being receptive, they then turn it on you, saying, wow,
18:33
Speaker 1: just so you know, you've made me feel like a
18:34
Speaker 1: shit parent. I obviously wasn't good enough. Obviously I wasn't
18:37
Speaker 1: good enough, and you're gonna they have to be the victim.
18:40
Speaker 1: So instead of accountability, it's victim victim victim victim number three.
18:45
Speaker 1: If they can't be happy, then no one else can
18:48
Speaker 1: be happy. So, if you're at a family of and
18:50
Speaker 1: if you've gone to visit your parents or say you
18:52
Speaker 1: grew up in the household with your parents, if this
18:55
Speaker 1: individual who was a narcissist was in a bad mood,
18:58
Speaker 1: it is their job to ruin the vibe of the household,
19:02
Speaker 1: so everyone feels uncomfortable, So everyone is walking on eggshells.
19:07
Speaker 1: Everyone has to share in that bad mood with them
19:10
Speaker 1: and the vibes are so fucking off. Instead of the
19:13
Speaker 1: person who's in a bad mood saying guys, I'm having
19:15
Speaker 1: such an off day. Can I just take an hour
19:18
Speaker 1: or two, I'm just gonna retreat or whatever it is,
19:20
Speaker 1: but then still wanting your family members to enjoy it.
19:23
Speaker 1: This is very different, mind you to if you've actually
19:25
Speaker 1: had a fight or an argument. I'm talking about this
19:26
Speaker 1: person being in a bad mood, maybe because they had
19:28
Speaker 1: a fight with their partner, maybe because something else happened,
19:31
Speaker 1: but you might not have directly had a disagreement, an
19:34
Speaker 1: argument or anything. But the fact that they were in
19:37
Speaker 1: a bad mood still meant that you yourself had to
19:39
Speaker 1: walk on eggshells. You couldn't show that you're having a
19:42
Speaker 1: good time, a nice afternoon, that you were enjoying yourself.
19:44
Speaker 1: You felt like you needed to retreat away in your bedroom.
19:47
Speaker 1: And this can still happen at family events where you're
19:50
Speaker 1: there and you think I need to get the fuck
19:51
Speaker 1: out of here, or I need to like I need
19:53
Speaker 1: to appease them constantly because they're in a foul mood.
19:55
Speaker 1: I can't they can't see me be happy, because then
19:58
Speaker 1: SIT's gonna hit the fuck I'm fan? Okay. Number five,
20:02
Speaker 1: just the statement what will people think? What will people think?
20:06
Speaker 1: They are so concerned about what other people will think.
20:10
Speaker 1: Then instead of ever giving a heartfelt comment to you
20:16
Speaker 1: saying something about something that you've done with your life,
20:20
Speaker 1: or a decision that you're going to make, or a
20:22
Speaker 1: decision that you're contemplating about your own life, their response
20:26
Speaker 1: is what will people think? And it's often they're basically
20:29
Speaker 1: trying to say, you are a reflection of me, so
20:33
Speaker 1: you better adhere to my standards of what's good and
20:36
Speaker 1: what's bad, and what you should do and what you
20:38
Speaker 1: shouldn't do, because if you don't, what will people think?
20:41
Speaker 1: They care so much about their image and you as
20:44
Speaker 1: part like a kind of a fragment of their overall image,
20:49
Speaker 1: and you kind of have to adhere to that. Number
20:53
Speaker 1: five when they give you the silent treatment, when they
20:56
Speaker 1: withhold communication as a way of punishing you for trying
21:00
Speaker 1: to set a boundary. Okay, so if ever you make
21:04
Speaker 1: a comment saying, hey, I just don't like it when
21:07
Speaker 1: you say that I don't like it when you make
21:09
Speaker 1: a comment like that, or i'd appreciate it if you didn't.
21:12
Speaker 1: Then they're like, oh, good, yep, fine, fine, fine fine.
21:14
Speaker 1: They might act well, not even act like it's so
21:16
Speaker 1: obvious that they're not receptive, but they might verbally say yeah, cool, fine, fine,
21:20
Speaker 1: fah fine, and then crickets, absolute crickets. God forbid you
21:26
Speaker 1: mention anything that is boundary related, something purely about you.
21:32
Speaker 1: You're not trying to control them, You're not saying anything
21:34
Speaker 1: about their behavior. And knowing you, you probably already are
21:38
Speaker 1: walking on eggshells because you know that anything can set
21:41
Speaker 1: them off. You know, an artisist is very often a
21:43
Speaker 1: ticking time bomb. So when you do make this comment,
21:46
Speaker 1: it's probably quite you know, whittled down to the politest
21:51
Speaker 1: way to make this request. And even then they will
21:54
Speaker 1: completely withhold communication. They will withhold talking to you. It
21:58
Speaker 1: is the silent treatment. It is such an effective way
22:01
Speaker 1: to emotionally manipulate someone. It's very obviously unhealthy, very unfair,
22:06
Speaker 1: but it's very effective because one of the things that
22:09
Speaker 1: hurts relationships the most is when someone doesn't want to
22:12
Speaker 1: open up, when someone shuts you out and doesn't want
22:14
Speaker 1: to communicate so to get you to never criticize them.
22:18
Speaker 1: They pull that stunt on you a couple of times,
22:21
Speaker 1: and then you put two and two together and you think, oh,
22:24
Speaker 1: I'll just I don't want to say anything. I don't
22:26
Speaker 1: want to say anything because then they're not going to
22:27
Speaker 1: talk to me for ages. I'm going to rock the
22:29
Speaker 1: boat too much. It's going to ruin our evening, it's
22:31
Speaker 1: going to ruin our afternoon. We just got to these holidays.
22:33
Speaker 1: I can't do that. So then you start editing everything
22:36
Speaker 1: you say or do. You start allowing this person to
22:39
Speaker 1: cross your boundaries again and again and again. But mind you,
22:41
Speaker 1: they have planned this. This is strategic. They know what
22:44
Speaker 1: they're doing. So when someone gives you the silent treatment
22:47
Speaker 1: and withholds communication as a way of punishment, especially because
22:52
Speaker 1: you tried to set a boundary, narcissist okay, next one
22:56
Speaker 1: number six, you are just so sensitive it was fine before?
23:00
Speaker 1: Or this is you know, another comment that they would make. Obviously,
23:04
Speaker 1: if you try and stand up for yourself about something,
23:06
Speaker 1: or if you try and stand up for someone else,
23:08
Speaker 1: maybe they make Maybe they're those people that constantly say
23:11
Speaker 1: racist things or inappropriate things, or laugh at people who
23:14
Speaker 1: don't deserve to be laughed at, and you try and
23:16
Speaker 1: step in and they're like, oh so sensitive, oh so like,
23:19
Speaker 1: they'll just dismiss and they make you look like the
23:21
Speaker 1: biggest fucking kill joy when you are just being you know,
23:25
Speaker 1: someone who actually cares about human rights. Basically, Number seven,
23:30
Speaker 1: they play the victim when you choose not to take
23:32
Speaker 1: their unsolicited advice. They will give you advice that you
23:35
Speaker 1: probably never asked for, and then you go and do
23:38
Speaker 1: the thing that you wanted to do and were planning
23:41
Speaker 1: on doing, and probably you know, sort out other advice
23:43
Speaker 1: for it and did that thing. And then they're like, oh,
23:46
Speaker 1: you know, I gave you the advice, but you don't
23:48
Speaker 1: want to take it. I said you should, but you
23:50
Speaker 1: didn't want to, and they get all offended. They manage
23:53
Speaker 1: somehow to insert themselves in something that has nothing to
23:58
Speaker 1: do about them and some how become the victim. It's
24:01
Speaker 1: extremely exhausting, and if you know, you fucking know, okay.
24:05
Speaker 1: Number eight, they feel that you are personally attacking them
24:10
Speaker 1: when you choose to hang out with another relative and
24:12
Speaker 1: they are not there, even if it's like your siblings
24:15
Speaker 1: or the other parent or someone else. If you just
24:18
Speaker 1: want to hang out with you know, it's got nothing
24:20
Speaker 1: to do with them, You just want to hang out
24:21
Speaker 1: with another relative, and you just happen to have not
24:23
Speaker 1: invited them. They think that you're actually out to get them.
24:26
Speaker 1: They feel like you have attacked them. Number nine, always
24:32
Speaker 1: bringing up an embarrassing or an unpleasant story of your
24:36
Speaker 1: past or highlighting something that you have done wrong, even
24:40
Speaker 1: if it was years and years and years ago, and
24:44
Speaker 1: like the this is in an attempt to humble you
24:47
Speaker 1: but also appear that they know so much about you
24:52
Speaker 1: all in one right, So it's classic form of emotional control.
24:56
Speaker 1: They're trying to disarm you. They're trying to disarm you,
24:59
Speaker 1: and they're trying to show everyone how much they know
25:01
Speaker 1: about you and how well they know you, and how
25:04
Speaker 1: well they know your past. And it makes you feel completely,
25:08
Speaker 1: you know, obviously emotionally designed, but embarrassed as well, because
25:11
Speaker 1: they might have brought something up that it was something
25:13
Speaker 1: that you did that you're not proud of, or is
25:15
Speaker 1: something that you did that was embarrassing, or is something
25:17
Speaker 1: you did as a child that has nothing to do
25:19
Speaker 1: with who you are today, And it doesn't reflect any
25:22
Speaker 1: of the conversation that you were having in that group.
25:24
Speaker 1: It's kind of just thrown out there. And you know,
25:27
Speaker 1: luckily for you, because sometimes it feels like you've just
25:30
Speaker 1: been completely embarrassed and you're mortified. But ironically for the
25:33
Speaker 1: narcissist when this happens, every normal person with half a
25:38
Speaker 1: brain around them sees this as a giant waving red
25:43
Speaker 1: flag for what it is, and everyone feels uncomfortable on
25:46
Speaker 1: your behalf mind you. So if this ever happens to you,
25:49
Speaker 1: just know that ninety nine percent of people listening are like,
25:54
Speaker 1: fuck me, that's so uncomfortable for you. Like they're not agreeing,
25:58
Speaker 1: being like, oh my god, embarrassing, they're just feeling for you,
26:01
Speaker 1: being like what a joke that they're having this way
26:04
Speaker 1: Number ten commenting on your physical appearance loud enough for
26:07
Speaker 1: everyone else to hear that. That just goes without saying
26:11
Speaker 1: Number eleven carrying on like a fucking pork chot. But
26:14
Speaker 1: if you try to correct their behavior, they would become
26:18
Speaker 1: so volatile that it's going to ruin the day for everyone.
26:21
Speaker 1: This is really common in like a family get together
26:25
Speaker 1: or a family holiday or anything where you've got a
26:27
Speaker 1: lot of people that have put in the effort and
26:29
Speaker 1: they want a nice time. Okay, so say you've all
26:32
Speaker 1: gone out for a birthday dinner, or you're all away
26:35
Speaker 1: for the weekend, and you've got all these activities planned.
26:39
Speaker 1: They then start to become extremely inappropriate with their behavior.
26:43
Speaker 1: They're carrying on. They might be being really rude and insulting,
26:46
Speaker 1: or they're a sook, or things haven't gone their way
26:48
Speaker 1: and they're becoming extremely painful. And normally you would say
26:52
Speaker 1: to someone you need to pull your fucking head in.
26:53
Speaker 1: We're all here together, pull your head in, or just
26:56
Speaker 1: sit this one out and take time out for yourself.
26:59
Speaker 1: But you're you're about to ruin everyone's day. We're here
27:01
Speaker 1: to have a nice day. You could never say that
27:04
Speaker 1: because you know that this individual, if you were to
27:07
Speaker 1: ever try and correct their behavior, they would go. That
27:12
Speaker 1: would blow up, and it would ruin the day for everyone. Okay,
27:17
Speaker 1: this is emotional blackmail. Obviously, they are willing to cause
27:20
Speaker 1: a scene at any time due to the fact that
27:24
Speaker 1: they just have a deficiency in any kind of scruples
27:27
Speaker 1: or moral compass. Okay, So people that are willing to
27:30
Speaker 1: cause a scene just to manipulate other people. Huge red flag,
27:36
Speaker 1: huge fucking red flag. Okay, And it's not just you
27:39
Speaker 1: who sees it. Everyone else who is like privy to
27:41
Speaker 1: that is exposed to that and sees it too. So
27:45
Speaker 1: that's a big, big, big common one. With family narcissists,
27:49
Speaker 1: they will very often do something like that number twelve.
27:52
Speaker 1: They treat you horribly, but when you try and step away,
27:55
Speaker 1: you are instantly accused of quote unquote tearing the family apart,
28:00
Speaker 1: tearing the family apart. So the onus is on you,
28:03
Speaker 1: on you, and only you, to keep the family together.
28:05
Speaker 1: They can behave however fucking want to behave, but the
28:08
Speaker 1: moment you do something for yourself, no, no, no, no,
28:10
Speaker 1: you're tearing the family apart, okay, And they will play
28:15
Speaker 1: the victim to the outside world, accusing you of being
28:18
Speaker 1: a fault, accusing you of it all going to shit.
28:20
Speaker 1: So a lot of people stay in these dynamics, and
28:22
Speaker 1: this also happens in romantic relationships. They will treat you
28:25
Speaker 1: like an absolute dog. But then if you're the one
28:27
Speaker 1: to walk away, especially if children are involved, you taught
28:30
Speaker 1: the family apart, You caused the divorce. You you, you, you,
28:33
Speaker 1: So they have zero accountability for the fact that their
28:35
Speaker 1: behavior should have consequences. They don't put two or two together.
28:40
Speaker 1: I mean, they probably do, but they're trying to manipulate
28:42
Speaker 1: you to make you feel like it is all on you,
28:45
Speaker 1: that the onus on keeping the family together is on you.
28:47
Speaker 1: That in order for the family to be together, they
28:50
Speaker 1: shouldn't have to change. No, you should have to put
28:52
Speaker 1: up with their shit. That's it. It's like, except me
28:55
Speaker 1: for who I am. It is what it is. Meanwhile,
28:57
Speaker 1: they continue to manipulate you emotionally, blackmail you, you know,
29:03
Speaker 1: shut you out, gaslight you. All of the above. How fun.
29:08
Speaker 1: The next one is that will constantly drill into you
29:11
Speaker 1: and everyone else. Family is everything. Family is everything. It's
29:15
Speaker 1: often the most toxic people that say family is everything
29:18
Speaker 1: so much like they drill it in and reiterate it.
29:22
Speaker 1: It's like they kind of trying to brainwash you into
29:26
Speaker 1: just knowing deep down that you have to stay no
29:29
Speaker 1: matter what because family is everything you've got. You can
29:32
Speaker 1: never turn your back on your family. The reason they're
29:34
Speaker 1: the ones drilling this into you so much is because
29:36
Speaker 1: they're the problem. They're the fucking problem. They've got to
29:38
Speaker 1: make it known that you know, you couldn't never turn
29:42
Speaker 1: your back on your family. You could never because they
29:43
Speaker 1: can't have people deserting them. They have to have this
29:46
Speaker 1: network where everyone revolves around them. So I'm not saying
29:49
Speaker 1: that I say family is everything too. A lot of
29:52
Speaker 1: us do. But people that drill it in again and
29:54
Speaker 1: again and it's never followed by behavior that reflects that
29:57
Speaker 1: they actually value the individuals in their fae family. That's
30:00
Speaker 1: a big fucking red flag. And it is so common
30:03
Speaker 1: that they would do things to hurt you, do things
30:06
Speaker 1: to make you feel kind of used or manipulated or unloved,
30:09
Speaker 1: and then follow it up with or family is everything,
30:12
Speaker 1: Family is everything. When they never display any behavior that
30:15
Speaker 1: seems to reinforce this statement that they're saying, the next one,
30:21
Speaker 1: I think it's the last one, second, last one. They
30:25
Speaker 1: always cross a privacy boundary, this lack of privacy. They
30:29
Speaker 1: read a text, they read through your journals or your emails.
30:32
Speaker 1: They'll snoop into a conversation, they go through your belongings.
30:35
Speaker 1: They have the full sense of entitlement over your shit,
30:38
Speaker 1: over your privacy, over your conversations. They think that they
30:42
Speaker 1: are deserving to have an inn on all these things
30:45
Speaker 1: that have nothing to do with them. They are entitled
30:48
Speaker 1: to that or they feel a sense of entitlement to
30:50
Speaker 1: these things. And it is extremely frustrating because, again, based
30:53
Speaker 1: on everything I just said, if you were to just
30:55
Speaker 1: turn around and reprimand them for it or tell them
30:58
Speaker 1: you cannot do that, and they would whip out out of
31:01
Speaker 1: their whole artillery of bullshit, they would whip out any
31:04
Speaker 1: one of these, like twelve fourteen things that I just said.
31:08
Speaker 1: Now I'm going to go into So that's the checklist.
31:11
Speaker 1: How fabulous. Now I'm going to get into a couple
31:14
Speaker 1: of family roles and dynamics that you might actually be
31:17
Speaker 1: exposed to within a family setting. And the three of
31:22
Speaker 1: these are, and this is specific mind you if the
31:25
Speaker 1: narcissist is a parent, but the three of these are
31:27
Speaker 1: the golden child, the scapegoat, and the enagbler. Okay, So
31:33
Speaker 1: when there is a narcissistic parents sometimes definitely not in
31:36
Speaker 1: all cases, there is this the golden child and escapegoat.
31:41
Speaker 1: So the scapegoat is the child where most things are blamed. Okay,
31:46
Speaker 1: It's often the one who's trying to become more independent
31:49
Speaker 1: and separate themselves from this dynamic becomes the scapegoat because
31:53
Speaker 1: they don't fully align, they don't fully agree, they end
31:57
Speaker 1: up being the quote odd one out, and they seem
32:01
Speaker 1: to have abandoned the family values. Normally, the narcissist is
32:05
Speaker 1: the one that's in control of the family, so they
32:07
Speaker 1: determine kind of what the family values are and what
32:10
Speaker 1: the family kind of overall vibe is. So the one
32:13
Speaker 1: that kind of wants to really go out there and
32:16
Speaker 1: become true literally independent, not rely on the family for anything,
32:20
Speaker 1: still be part of the family, still definitely be involved
32:23
Speaker 1: with the family and their siblings, and the parents still try,
32:26
Speaker 1: but not so heavily just be one with the crowd
32:29
Speaker 1: with that family because they obviously don't agree, they're the
32:32
Speaker 1: ones that often end up being the scapegoat. Okay, So
32:36
Speaker 1: because of this, the narcissistic parent is like, how do
32:39
Speaker 1: I punish this child now that they're an independent adult, right,
32:43
Speaker 1: they don't live under my roof anymore, So what's a
32:45
Speaker 1: good way of punishing them? Is to make the other
32:48
Speaker 1: child the golden child. Okay, so the other child can
32:52
Speaker 1: do no wrong. Okay, they are you know, everything about
32:57
Speaker 1: them is fine. And because of this, the golden child
32:59
Speaker 1: then does and have such a strong urge to distance
33:03
Speaker 1: themselves from the family because they feel like so much
33:05
Speaker 1: like they really feel like the favorite. Okay, they get
33:08
Speaker 1: the help they need, they get the comfort they need,
33:11
Speaker 1: they get the attention they need. And it's not necessarily
33:14
Speaker 1: saying that the golden child is in on it or
33:16
Speaker 1: is at fault, but it's less painful for the golden
33:20
Speaker 1: child to put up with this shit. Okay, and so,
33:23
Speaker 1: and this is mind you, this happens before there's someone
33:26
Speaker 1: that before you become adults and move out, but it
33:29
Speaker 1: maintains this dynamic heavily once you have become an adult
33:34
Speaker 1: and moved out. Okay, So you can definitely have the
33:36
Speaker 1: dynamic even when your teenagers living at home or kids
33:38
Speaker 1: where there's the escapegoat and the golden child, and that
33:41
Speaker 1: dynamic really works quote unquote for the narcissist because the
33:45
Speaker 1: golden child is kind of that buffer, the point of comparison.
33:49
Speaker 1: And you keep the golden child because by default, we
33:52
Speaker 1: are wired to seek approval from our parents. So the
33:55
Speaker 1: golden child, even if they see that it's unfair, there's
33:58
Speaker 1: a part of them that obviously still feels very validated
34:01
Speaker 1: when the parent is liking everything that they do and
34:05
Speaker 1: you know, praising them for everything, and then due to that,
34:07
Speaker 1: their behaviors are going to kind of mirror more what
34:11
Speaker 1: the narcissistic parent wants because they get used to this,
34:14
Speaker 1: you know, this kind of love and this constant validation,
34:18
Speaker 1: so they're like, I need to get more of this validation.
34:20
Speaker 1: This is how my parents shows me that they love me.
34:22
Speaker 1: So both are the victims. The golden child is the
34:24
Speaker 1: victim and the scapegoat is the victim. The I guess
34:28
Speaker 1: beauty of it, I wouldn't call it beautiful, but the
34:31
Speaker 1: slightly good side of it as far as the scapegoat
34:33
Speaker 1: is concerned, is when they do have an opportunity to
34:35
Speaker 1: step away as an adult and distance themselves, it probably
34:39
Speaker 1: is more again, I don't want to use the word easier,
34:42
Speaker 1: but for them it's probably like, well, I fucking had enough.
34:44
Speaker 1: There's no point like it is what it is. It's
34:46
Speaker 1: not like they already think I'm this way. So for
34:49
Speaker 1: them it's kind of like a no brainer to be like,
34:51
Speaker 1: I can go off and do my own thing. For
34:52
Speaker 1: the golden child, it ends up being a little bit
34:54
Speaker 1: harder because they have a standard that they're so used
34:56
Speaker 1: to living up to. That it's almost harder for them
34:59
Speaker 1: to get away. So what initially feels like they're getting
35:01
Speaker 1: off easy ends up being quite difficult. On the flip
35:05
Speaker 1: side of that, Now, another thing that will happen is
35:08
Speaker 1: that it can sometimes cause a divide between the siblings.
35:12
Speaker 1: It's really hard for siblings to kind of see through
35:15
Speaker 1: all of that, especially at a young age. As you
35:17
Speaker 1: get older, if both the siblings have their head screwed on,
35:20
Speaker 1: and if they're close, then of course they can work
35:23
Speaker 1: through that quite well. But in many cases it has
35:26
Speaker 1: kind of torn families, literally, torn families apart. Not the siblings,
35:30
Speaker 1: but the actual narcissist. When they're like, you're tearing the
35:33
Speaker 1: family apart, they actually are tearing the family apart by
35:35
Speaker 1: really purposely causing a divide within between the children. Then
35:41
Speaker 1: there is lastly the enabler. So the enabler is very
35:46
Speaker 1: often the spouse, whether it be the other parent of
35:49
Speaker 1: the children, or whether it be a new partner that's
35:51
Speaker 1: come in. But the enabler is someone that never wants
35:57
Speaker 1: to rock the boat. Okay, they don't want to rock
36:00
Speaker 1: the boat with the dynamic. They want to stay in
36:03
Speaker 1: the good graces of the narcissist, and because of that,
36:08
Speaker 1: they will be the ones kind of allowing that behavior
36:11
Speaker 1: and also speaking And the reason why I talk about
36:13
Speaker 1: it is in the parent dynamic, where it's so often
36:15
Speaker 1: the partner that is the enabler, because they're often saying
36:18
Speaker 1: to the kids, oh, you know, it's just you know,
36:22
Speaker 1: your other parents just being this way. That's just how
36:24
Speaker 1: they are, you know, don't be like that. They're your parent,
36:26
Speaker 1: they're your father, they're your mother. You know, you have
36:29
Speaker 1: to love your par They're never really saying, you know what,
36:32
Speaker 1: I see you, I hear you, I fucking agree with you.
36:35
Speaker 1: It's not okay, this is unacceptable, and I need to
36:38
Speaker 1: defend you. I need to stand up for you. They're
36:40
Speaker 1: never going to defend you. They're never going to stand
36:42
Speaker 1: up for you in front of them or even behind,
36:44
Speaker 1: like definitely not when you're not there, but definitely not
36:47
Speaker 1: in front. They just go quiet. They don't necessarily and
36:51
Speaker 1: they feel like they're playing an indifferent role. But they
36:54
Speaker 1: are enabling because a they're always if anyone, if they're
36:58
Speaker 1: going to intervene with anyone and try and tell anyone
37:00
Speaker 1: to change the behavior, it's to you. They're saying, oh,
37:03
Speaker 1: you know, you know what they're like, just be a
37:05
Speaker 1: bit nice, settle or don't say that in front of them,
37:07
Speaker 1: or don't So they're telling you have to walk on
37:09
Speaker 1: eggshells because this person's behavior is just going to continue
37:12
Speaker 1: as it is and none of us are going to
37:14
Speaker 1: do anything about it. They're also never going to stand
37:17
Speaker 1: up for you. They're never going to go to war
37:20
Speaker 1: for you, even if they feel bad for you, even
37:24
Speaker 1: if they feel sorry for you. So while they might
37:26
Speaker 1: not actively be trying to do anything wrong, they are
37:28
Speaker 1: enabling that behavior. And the reason they are an enabler
37:33
Speaker 1: is because they are basically not trying to rock the
37:39
Speaker 1: boat with their own relationship with the narcissist. They are
37:41
Speaker 1: trying to do everything in their power to maintain a
37:44
Speaker 1: relatively normal, stable relationship with the narcissist, and it makes
37:48
Speaker 1: them feel stable and it makes them feel comfortable, even
37:51
Speaker 1: if it means encouraging other people to maintain a really
37:54
Speaker 1: unhealthy dynamic with this person. So these are common dynamics,
37:58
Speaker 1: definitely not in every case. So if you're like, oh
37:59
Speaker 1: my god, I definitely have a narcissist in my family,
38:02
Speaker 1: but there definitely isn't the golden child escape goat relationship
38:05
Speaker 1: and there isn't an enabler. That doesn't mean that it
38:08
Speaker 1: can't still exist as an individual in your family. These
38:11
Speaker 1: are just common dynamics that do often occur, but not
38:16
Speaker 1: in every case. So I hope you were able to
38:19
Speaker 1: take a lot from that and really see if you know,
38:23
Speaker 1: we're at the very least noticed that there are many
38:25
Speaker 1: people out there who are in a similar position to you,
38:27
Speaker 1: who are going through what you are going through. So
38:29
Speaker 1: that is the family narcissist bingo. Now we are going
38:33
Speaker 1: to finish with a listener question at the end of
38:36
Speaker 1: this episode. I'm going to try and do this at
38:37
Speaker 1: the end of every episode whenever possible, So let's get
38:41
Speaker 1: straight into our listener question of the day. This one
38:45
Speaker 1: is called friendship Sez, friend or foe. Hi, Alexis, thank
38:49
Speaker 1: you for the amazing work on the pod. I've written
38:51
Speaker 1: in before and I've always appreciated your advice and insight.
38:53
Speaker 1: I'm a thirty year old woman dealing with the friendship
38:55
Speaker 1: dynamic that's been bothering me and I'd love some perspective.
38:59
Speaker 1: About eight months ago, I met a girl who was
39:01
Speaker 1: new out of a relationship and didn't have many friends.
39:03
Speaker 1: I introduced her to my social circle and included her
39:06
Speaker 1: in my life. Since then, she's become very embedded. She's
39:10
Speaker 1: in all my group chats, makes plans with my friends
39:12
Speaker 1: without me, and she doesn't really have any friendships outside
39:15
Speaker 1: of the ones she's met through me. The issue is
39:18
Speaker 1: I don't trust her. She's repeated things I've told her
39:22
Speaker 1: in confidence to others in the group, often in a
39:24
Speaker 1: way that reflects poorly on me, and doesn't take accountability
39:28
Speaker 1: when I bring it up. She calls me her best friend,
39:30
Speaker 1: but I don't feel the same. I have deeper, long
39:33
Speaker 1: standing friendships, and I don't feel emotionally safe with her
39:35
Speaker 1: at all. She's not someone I would go to for advice.
39:38
Speaker 1: She lives her life very chaotically and makes moral decisions
39:42
Speaker 1: I don't agree with. What's making it more unsettling is
39:45
Speaker 1: that she seems to mirror me, my style, phrases, Instagram aesthetic,
39:49
Speaker 1: even big choices like buying the same car as me
39:52
Speaker 1: that's okay. She often comments on how similar we are.
39:56
Speaker 1: It feels less like admiration and more like she's being
40:00
Speaker 1: my life and friendships and trying to step into my identity.
40:03
Speaker 1: I'm usually someone who loves bringing people together and sharing openly,
40:07
Speaker 1: but with her it feels different, like my space is
40:09
Speaker 1: being encroached on. I feel uncomfortable, but also unsure if
40:13
Speaker 1: I'm overreacting. I just have this feeling and intuition that
40:16
Speaker 1: something is not quite right with her and I need
40:18
Speaker 1: to distance myself. But I can't put my finger on what,
40:21
Speaker 1: and I find it hard to articulate why does this
40:24
Speaker 1: dynamic bother me so much? And how do I handle it?
40:26
Speaker 1: Given how intertwined our lives have become. Okay, firstly toxic. Sorry, sorry,
40:34
Speaker 1: but this is unhealthy. And the reason why it's unhealthy
40:36
Speaker 1: is because she is trying to paint a picture of
40:40
Speaker 1: the dynamic you have that doesn't actually exist. Calling you
40:43
Speaker 1: her best friend when it's clearly not reciprocated is trying
40:47
Speaker 1: to kind of I don't want to use the word brainwash,
40:50
Speaker 1: but it's trying to kind of like slowly get you
40:53
Speaker 1: to agree with it, oh, we're best friends, we're best friends,
40:55
Speaker 1: and then get you to adopt that language as well.
40:57
Speaker 1: She's trying to just lock you in as the best
41:00
Speaker 1: without doing the stuff that is required to be a
41:02
Speaker 1: best friend that you need to earn out in order
41:05
Speaker 1: to achieve quote unquote best friend status. Talking about things
41:10
Speaker 1: that you have said to other people behind your back
41:12
Speaker 1: that doesn't reflect good on you is not what a
41:15
Speaker 1: best friend does. After only having known you for eight
41:18
Speaker 1: months and then copying everything that you do and literally
41:22
Speaker 1: just meshing herself into your life, that's not a best
41:25
Speaker 1: what a best friend does. So the reason for you
41:28
Speaker 1: to feel that way, I think is extremely fair and natural,
41:32
Speaker 1: and I think you should listen to your instincts on
41:34
Speaker 1: this one. The other reason why I feel quite confident
41:37
Speaker 1: about what I'm saying, and I'm obviously presuming that everything
41:40
Speaker 1: you're telling me is the truth. But the fact that
41:43
Speaker 1: you normally do share quote unquote share your friends with
41:48
Speaker 1: other people, like you say, you have no problem introducing
41:51
Speaker 1: people to your friendships and having people connect and getting
41:53
Speaker 1: them more connected. So that's obviously not an insecurity of yours.
41:56
Speaker 1: It's not like you're saying, oh my god, when my
41:58
Speaker 1: friends are hanging out without me, and that clearly isn't
42:01
Speaker 1: an issue. I know you did say that they do.
42:04
Speaker 1: You know you know that she makes plans with your
42:07
Speaker 1: friends without you. I know that you're not freaking out
42:11
Speaker 1: about that one thing, as if you feel like they
42:14
Speaker 1: don't want to make plans with you. But I feel
42:16
Speaker 1: like I know what you're getting at. When you normally
42:19
Speaker 1: don't have an issue when these things happen, this one
42:22
Speaker 1: feels different. Okay, So there's a few things that could
42:26
Speaker 1: be going on. I've kind of tried to dive a
42:30
Speaker 1: little bit into it, and I'm not going to obviously
42:32
Speaker 1: diagnose it, but I'm going to throw out a few things,
42:33
Speaker 1: so maybe you can like read into it and see
42:35
Speaker 1: if anything kind of jumps out at you when you
42:38
Speaker 1: do further research into this. So there's something called copycat syndrome,
42:42
Speaker 1: and it's not like a fully diagnosable syndrome. I'm pretty
42:46
Speaker 1: sure it's not. But it's this where like one friend
42:49
Speaker 1: is excessively mirroring the other friend's style. They're like languages
42:54
Speaker 1: or like their hobbies, and it starts from admiring their friend,
42:59
Speaker 1: but then like it's exacerbated from deep insecurity and also
43:04
Speaker 1: a lack of personal identity the fact that she has
43:07
Speaker 1: no friends outside of you. While I'm not saying that
43:10
Speaker 1: everyone that doesn't have friends is like this, but if
43:12
Speaker 1: she doesn't have any friends outside of you, that does
43:17
Speaker 1: often link to you having a lack of a personal identity,
43:21
Speaker 1: because your relationships and the longevity for your relationships really
43:24
Speaker 1: does help form your identity. So if she's kind of
43:27
Speaker 1: starting fresh with you and has no other relationships outside
43:30
Speaker 1: of that, it's her quote unquote opportunity to create a
43:33
Speaker 1: brand new identity, and she's chosen to base her new
43:37
Speaker 1: identity on you. Okay, And this obviously can be extremely
43:42
Speaker 1: uncomfortable because it takes away where it's trying to chip
43:48
Speaker 1: away at how unique you are. They're trying to kind
43:50
Speaker 1: of cling on to you and reinforce a relationship that
43:53
Speaker 1: doesn't actually exist. Then the other thing that I looked into,
43:57
Speaker 1: which again I'm not able to say this is for
44:00
Speaker 1: sure or not. I'm just throwing it out there, is
44:02
Speaker 1: narcissistic mirroring. I don't know if anyone's ever heard of that,
44:06
Speaker 1: but it's kind of fitting that this episode is about narcissists,
44:09
Speaker 1: then we can talk about narcissistic mirroring. So narcissistic mirroring
44:13
Speaker 1: is actually different between healthy mirroring because when you are
44:17
Speaker 1: doing healthy mirroring, it's when you're interacting with someone and
44:21
Speaker 1: you begin to kind of mirror their mannerisms or their
44:25
Speaker 1: body language, and that's a way to show kind of
44:28
Speaker 1: that you're connecting, that you understand that you're you've got
44:31
Speaker 1: empathy with that person. Okay, it's not a way of
44:34
Speaker 1: trying to manipulate. Even if you start picking up like
44:37
Speaker 1: sayings of a friend, that's kind of healthy mirroring. It's
44:41
Speaker 1: just because you're exposed to each other quite a bit,
44:43
Speaker 1: and just it's just by default you are going to
44:45
Speaker 1: mirror each other a little bit more. Okay, But this
44:48
Speaker 1: is different because narcissistic mirroring is firstly, it's intentional and
44:54
Speaker 1: it's a manipulation tactic. So this kind of mirroring serves
44:59
Speaker 1: their own needs. It's like it helps inform a sense
45:02
Speaker 1: of their own identity. It's trying to gain your trust
45:06
Speaker 1: and trying to create a sense of intimacy, even though
45:09
Speaker 1: you might not be feeling it, but from the outside,
45:11
Speaker 1: everyone's like, oh my god, you guys are so close.
45:13
Speaker 1: You guys seem so close. You guys did is that?
45:15
Speaker 1: And if you weren't hyper aware of what's going on
45:17
Speaker 1: right now, you probably could slip into that, like that
45:21
Speaker 1: same wave of like oh yeah, wow, we are really similar,
45:23
Speaker 1: we are really doing everything the same, but really it's
45:25
Speaker 1: just per copying everything that you're doing. It's also a
45:28
Speaker 1: really good way of gathering power over you and gathering
45:30
Speaker 1: information about you. So if if I'm not saying she
45:34
Speaker 1: is because I don't know nowhere near enough about this character,
45:37
Speaker 1: but if she was a narcissist and she was trying
45:40
Speaker 1: to do this, it's a way of manipulating you. It's
45:43
Speaker 1: a way of winning you over with the intent to
45:47
Speaker 1: manipulate you. Okay, so how do you know that this
46:05
Speaker 1: narcissistic mirror is happening? They will do things similar to
46:09
Speaker 1: love bombing, where it's all about you everything, it's amazing,
46:12
Speaker 1: we're best friends or whatever. I don't know if she
46:14
Speaker 1: loves bombs you. I know she does talk about you,
46:16
Speaker 1: guys are so close, you're best friends, But does she
46:17
Speaker 1: do other things that I love bomby? Maybe maybe not.
46:21
Speaker 1: It's also like a pressure for you to become really
46:24
Speaker 1: personal with her, like what insight can she get about
46:28
Speaker 1: you and about your life that makes it feel like
46:30
Speaker 1: she now knows you on a much deeper level. Okay.
46:34
Speaker 1: There also is like they cross boundaries and they cross
46:39
Speaker 1: like privacy boundaries that like she's shared she might share
46:42
Speaker 1: private information about you or I feel like she already
46:44
Speaker 1: has done this where you've spoken about something and that
46:46
Speaker 1: she's gone and told other people that you said that
46:48
Speaker 1: thing okay, and then of course the copying side of things,
46:51
Speaker 1: where she copies everything. So I think that it's important
46:56
Speaker 1: for you to really listen to your instincts when it
46:58
Speaker 1: comes to friendships. It has to feel comfortable and safe.
47:03
Speaker 1: If it doesn't feel comfortable and safe, then too bad.
47:07
Speaker 1: It's not okay now, not that you have to seek
47:09
Speaker 1: external validation, but I do think it's worth you speaking
47:12
Speaker 1: to someone who's close to you in the group, who
47:13
Speaker 1: also knows her and open up. This isn't bitching. This
47:18
Speaker 1: is getting insight someone else's insight and see how they feel,
47:21
Speaker 1: getting another perspective, and say, hey, I just want you
47:24
Speaker 1: to let me know how you would perceive this, because
47:27
Speaker 1: this is what I'm going through right now. It's got
47:29
Speaker 1: to be someone that you trust in, someone that you're
47:30
Speaker 1: close with within the group, because obviously you don't want
47:33
Speaker 1: it getting back to her or you don't want it
47:35
Speaker 1: circling through the group. This isn't about bitching. This is
47:37
Speaker 1: about trying to get clarity on what the next step
47:42
Speaker 1: is going to be for you within this friendship. But ultimately,
47:46
Speaker 1: I genuinely do believe that if you have these inklings
47:49
Speaker 1: and you know that it's unique to another situation, like
47:53
Speaker 1: you are not normally insecure, You normally have no problem
47:55
Speaker 1: sharing your friends and getting them to meet and then
47:58
Speaker 1: socializing if you're not there or whatever. This is unique
48:02
Speaker 1: to this individual and this odd behavior that you feel
48:06
Speaker 1: is encroaching on your boundaries and your privacy or whatever
48:10
Speaker 1: it is, then you need to listen to that instinct.
48:13
Speaker 1: Based on how you've written, you seem quite level headed,
48:16
Speaker 1: So I think that it's something that I mean, whether
48:19
Speaker 1: you speak to a friend or not, that you kind
48:21
Speaker 1: of already know the answer. You know that she's not
48:24
Speaker 1: a best friend. You know that you can't really feel
48:27
Speaker 1: vulnerable and open up to her, and you don't feel
48:29
Speaker 1: emotionally safe with her because she has gone behind your back.
48:31
Speaker 1: So you got two options. Number one, you just distance
48:35
Speaker 1: yourself and you don't say anything to her. Or number two,
48:39
Speaker 1: you do pull her up on certain things and you
48:41
Speaker 1: can have a conversation with her, but you might feel
48:44
Speaker 1: extremely uncomfortable doing that. A lot of people do not
48:46
Speaker 1: feel comfortable having a conversation like that with a friend
48:49
Speaker 1: that they're trying to distance themselves from for like obvious reasons,
48:54
Speaker 1: but the fact, I don't know if you ever did
48:55
Speaker 1: pull her up, on the fact that she then spoke
48:58
Speaker 1: to other people in the group about something you would said.
49:00
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's something that you would have
49:02
Speaker 1: wanted to address with her, because maybe it was uncomfortable.
49:05
Speaker 1: But that's the other route you could go down. But
49:07
Speaker 1: if you want to distance yourself completely from her, then
49:10
Speaker 1: the other thing you want to do is look at
49:12
Speaker 1: how that impacts the dynamic of the friendship. Is she's
49:15
Speaker 1: super close to the rest of the group, would that
49:17
Speaker 1: affect the rest of the group as well? Would it
49:20
Speaker 1: be awkward moving forward? Because you then wouldn't like what
49:23
Speaker 1: would that look like? Okay, because you've got to decide,
49:26
Speaker 1: am I going to cut this person completely out of
49:27
Speaker 1: my life? And then will it be awkward within the
49:29
Speaker 1: friendship dynamics? Or am I just going to distance myself
49:33
Speaker 1: to the extent where she then decides it's too much
49:36
Speaker 1: effort to try and be my best friend whatever, and
49:38
Speaker 1: then she's going to move on to a different target
49:41
Speaker 1: and I can still deal with her in like a
49:43
Speaker 1: group setting, But I don't have this person breathing down
49:45
Speaker 1: my neck copying everything that I do. Okay, so I
49:48
Speaker 1: feel like that's what you need to do. I can't
49:50
Speaker 1: really give that much more detail because I don't have
49:52
Speaker 1: total insight, but I would recommend you looking up copycat
49:55
Speaker 1: syndrome or even you know, narcissistic mirroring, just to like
49:59
Speaker 1: see you might look at narcissistic and being like, no, no, no, no, no,
50:02
Speaker 1: that's not it. It's not that hectic. You might just
50:04
Speaker 1: be a copycat thing that she's just gone too far
50:06
Speaker 1: and maybe she has no sense of identity and she's
50:08
Speaker 1: clinging on. Then only you can decide if it's worth
50:11
Speaker 1: a conversation with her, if there's enough of that friendship
50:14
Speaker 1: that you're willing to resurrect and do something with, or
50:16
Speaker 1: if you're like, you know what, fuck that, it's ruining
50:17
Speaker 1: my piece I'm a normally a piece of a person.
50:20
Speaker 1: She's killing my fucking peace of mind. I can't do this.
50:23
Speaker 1: So that's the call you're going to have to make.
50:25
Speaker 1: But thank you so much for writing in because it's cool.
50:28
Speaker 1: It's a cool not cool? What am I talking about?
50:31
Speaker 1: It's a good topic to talk about. This copycat syndrome
50:35
Speaker 1: because I think a lot of people are in something.
50:37
Speaker 1: Maybe not a lot, but there's people out there that
50:39
Speaker 1: are in that position where someone copies them and it's
50:42
Speaker 1: initially a form of flattering and then it doesn't feel
50:44
Speaker 1: flattering and it's just outright annoying. So it's good to
50:47
Speaker 1: know what it is. Is it the harmless style or
50:50
Speaker 1: is it something that's more manipulative, more intentional. You know,
50:54
Speaker 1: there's like a there's a deep reason as to why
50:57
Speaker 1: they're doing it, and it's to get something out of you.
51:00
Speaker 1: So that's what you need to determine. Guys, I feel
51:03
Speaker 1: like I'm speaking so like obviously husking, but really quietly
51:06
Speaker 1: as well. It's just because if I raise my voice
51:09
Speaker 1: like I normally do, well a, my twins are having
51:11
Speaker 1: an ut right now and be my throat gets all
51:14
Speaker 1: itch and I start coughing. So anyway, also with the videos,
51:18
Speaker 1: I wanted to address videos. If you're someone that normally
51:20
Speaker 1: will watch the video episode on Spotify, I'm no longer
51:24
Speaker 1: doing video on Spotify, but I will be doing video
51:26
Speaker 1: on YouTube, So if you really want the video side
51:30
Speaker 1: of things, you can watch it as well on YouTube.
51:33
Speaker 1: But yeah, I'm just going to separate the two for
51:35
Speaker 1: the time being and just see how it goes. But really,
51:39
Speaker 1: my podcast has always been audio first. That's how I know.
51:43
Speaker 1: I know. I always do video and have it for
51:44
Speaker 1: socials and stuff, that the heart of my podcast is
51:47
Speaker 1: audio first. So hopefully that won't really negatively impact your
51:50
Speaker 1: listening experience. But this episode there is no video at
51:54
Speaker 1: all to it because of the amount of times I
51:57
Speaker 1: had to pause it to cough. Anyway, that is all
52:00
Speaker 1: for today, guys. Thank you so much for tuning in.
52:02
Speaker 1: I hope you liked the return to the OG format
52:05
Speaker 1: in today's episode of The Brain Fact the body of
52:08
Speaker 1: the podcast, and then the listener cool ask John. Thank
52:11
Speaker 1: you so much. As always, remember becand to yourself, becanti
52:13
Speaker 1: your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't
52:16
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Dunker