Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Should you tell a Narcissist when you're leaving?

Transcript

Should you tell a Narcissist when you're leaving? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  Should you tell your narcissistic partner that you're
• 0:04
  leaving or your narcissistic spouse that you're leaving now?
• 0:08
  Y'all, you made it to the end of the relationship.
• 0:11
  You you're ready to leave. You decided you know, I've had
• 0:14
  enough, I've done enough. We've got we've came to the end
• 0:17
  of the road. Boys to men is the end of the
• 0:19
  road is playing in the background.
• 0:22
  Now you're thinking, should I tell them that I'm leaving?
• 0:25
  Should I let them know that I'm, I'm, I won't be coming back,
• 0:28
  that this is the last time that we're going to be together in
• 0:30
  this relationship? Should I let them know that's
• 0:33
  what we're talking about today? Y'all, if you're new here, my
• 0:35
  name is Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist.
• 0:37
  And I give you the perspective that inside look at the mind of
• 0:40
  a narcissist. I've been doing this for about 5
• 0:43
  years now. Y'all, I'm a, I'm a seasoned
• 0:45
  veteran. I'm a fifth year senior in the
• 0:48
  College of narcissism, right? But that's the question a lot of
• 0:52
  people ask me actually popped up in my comment section the other
• 0:54
  day. I've responded with a shorter
• 0:56
  video, like when my YouTube shorts, all of those are still
• 0:59
  on TikTok out on YouTube, tick tock Instagram, Facebook.
• 1:02
  That's my my shorts are right now.
• 1:05
  But it came in my comment section.
• 1:08
  I was just like you know what I'm going to do a longer video
• 1:11
  on it because this needs to be talked about This needs to be
• 1:14
  discussed. This needs to be covered in some
• 1:17
  way shape or form. Like should you tell this person
• 1:20
  that you are leaving and elderly y'all let me what what do you
• 1:24
  think? I know most of you are going to
• 1:27
  say no, right? And you and you will be right.
• 1:32
  Most times the answer to that question is going to be no, but
• 1:35
  for me it's going to be. It depends.
• 1:37
  The first thing you if you like it, y'all safety first.
• 1:42
  Those two words are extremely important.
• 1:44
  Safety first. You want to prioritize your
• 1:47
  safety first. Safety above all.
• 1:49
  I don't look y'all. You need to be safe because
• 1:53
  leaving a toxic relationship, leaving a domestic violence
• 1:57
  relationship or an emotionally abusive relationship can be the
• 1:59
  most dangerous time. So you have to be safe.
• 2:02
  Prioritize your safety first above all, the safety of your
• 2:06
  children above all because you don't know how this person is
• 2:10
  going to react. So most times I'm going to tell
• 2:13
  you, it really depends. I'm going to tell people.
• 2:15
  Most people, no, don't tell them because you don't want to tell
• 2:20
  them because they can get dangerous.
• 2:23
  They can really seriously get dangerous because they think
• 2:26
  that it's over. They think that they're never
• 2:28
  going to see you again and y'all will never, y'all will never be
• 2:31
  a couple again. You, This is it, this is it,
• 2:33
  this is it. They're never going to see you,
• 2:36
  never going to talk to you. Nothing is going to happen,
• 2:38
  right? That's, that's what they going
• 2:39
  to think. They this is, this is going to
• 2:41
  be the end of the road for y'all.
• 2:43
  So they might lose their damn minds and try to take you on up
• 2:46
  out of here. They might try to send you to
• 2:49
  meet your maker. They might try to send you to
• 2:51
  meet God. They might try to send you to
• 2:52
  meet Jesus face to face. I know y'all know a lot of y'all
• 2:56
  are Christians and religious, but sometimes you go meet Jesus
• 2:59
  one day. But you don't have to be today,
• 3:01
  right? We want to be as safe as you
• 3:04
  possibly can. So you don't have, you don't
• 3:06
  have to tell the most times you don't want to tell them until
• 3:09
  you have a plan of action in order and you are safe, right?
• 3:12
  And you have a way to get out of there safely.
• 3:14
  Because sometimes, especially if they've been putting their hands
• 3:16
  on you, if they've been putting their hands on your feet on you,
• 3:19
  especially if they put their hands in this area right here or
• 3:23
  put something around here and cut off your airflow, if you
• 3:28
  know what I mean. If this has happened to you,
• 3:32
  right? If this has happened to you, you
• 3:35
  definitely do not need to tell them until you were safely out
• 3:37
  of there. And I noticed, I say it depends
• 3:40
  because yeah, it's going to be everybody's situation is going
• 3:42
  to be different, right? Sometimes if you don't have
• 3:46
  kids, you don't have anything tied to this person.
• 3:49
  Like there's no lease. The lease is ending.
• 3:51
  Like whatever the case may be, and this is it, there's no
• 3:54
  nothing tying you to this person and this person is dangerous.
• 3:57
  You can ghost them. It'd be safe, be safe about it,
• 4:01
  right? You can ghost them and be as
• 4:02
  safe as you, as safe as you possibly can about it in a lot
• 4:05
  of these situations because you want to be safe because you
• 4:08
  don't know what this person is going to do or how they're going
• 4:11
  to react or how they're going to behave or how they're going to
• 4:13
  treat you. You do not know that, but you do
• 4:15
  know that you can be as safe as you possibly can to protect
• 4:18
  yourself. You do know that, right?
• 4:20
  That's a pretty that's an absolute that right there.
• 4:23
  You have to know that because that's extremely important.
• 4:27
  It really is. Be safe because you don't know
• 4:32
  what they're going to do. You don't know how they're going
• 4:34
  to behave, you don't know how they're going to act.
• 4:35
  So if you have no ties to this person, like y'all been dating
• 4:39
  for six months, y'all live together or whatever and you're
• 4:41
  done, you're scared as hell, Don't tell them.
• 4:45
  You don't even have to tell them where you're leaving or where
• 4:46
  you're going or where you going to leave or where you're going
• 4:49
  to go, where you're going to live, where you're going to go.
• 4:52
  You don't have to do that, y'all.
• 4:54
  Y'all know? My office is beside the Police
• 4:55
  Department. It's safe.
• 4:57
  We safe over here. But it's can get kind of
• 4:59
  annoying sometimes, right? And there they there, they go.
• 5:04
  There they went. But yeah, you have to be safe
• 5:09
  because you don't want to have now, if you have kids, you have
• 5:11
  things tied to them that they're going to have to know your
• 5:15
  address and stuff like that. You still don't necessarily have
• 5:19
  to tell them until you're out, right?
• 5:22
  Until you out. Just make sure you look up the
• 5:24
  state laws because you don't want to get hit for parental
• 5:27
  alien alienation or abandonment or something like that.
• 5:29
  You don't want to get hit by that.
• 5:31
  So make sure you look up the state, the the state and local
• 5:33
  laws before you do it. But you don't have to tell them
• 5:36
  because you want to be safe, right?
• 5:38
  You want to be safe because you just don't know.
• 5:41
  Even if you have kids, you just don't know what they're going to
• 5:43
  do or how they're going to react.
• 5:45
  So you want to be as safe as humanly possible in order to
• 5:47
  protect yourself, in order in order to guide yourself in the
• 5:50
  right direction, in order to have the opportunity to live
• 5:53
  freely and take the chance and be able to move forward.
• 5:56
  The opportunity to do this. Because everybody doesn't make
• 6:00
  it out, y'all? Everybody doesn't make it out.
• 6:03
  Everybody doesn't make it out alive.
• 6:04
  I'll say that as well. I'm not trying and I'm not
• 6:07
  trying to be morbid but y'all know I have to keep it real and
• 6:10
  raw because if I don't it just sometimes the point can get
• 6:13
  missed. I have to keep it real and raw
• 6:16
  because some people, not everybody makes it out with
• 6:17
  their life especially so you don't have to tell them.
• 6:22
  Like especially you don't want to tell them.
• 6:24
  You don't want to tell anybody. If you are surrounded by people
• 6:27
  you can't trust, you don't want to share it with anybody.
• 6:29
  You don't want to share your plan of leaving with anybody,
• 6:34
  especially nobody. You can't, you can't trust if
• 6:36
  you can't trust them, you feel like you can't trust these
• 6:38
  people or the the person you around.
• 6:40
  You don't want to share your leaving plan with anybody
• 6:42
  because they can divulge this to your abusive partner and they
• 6:45
  can make your abusive alert your abusive partner to you and they
• 6:49
  can come after you. Your abusive partner can come
• 6:52
  after you, right? They can they'll they'll try to
• 6:56
  stop your plan. They'd be like, I hope you know,
• 6:58
  like Lee told me he was leaving. I, I was hoping I was, he told
• 7:02
  me not to tell you, but I know y'all got a good family.
• 7:05
  I've seen you. I've seen y'all be great
• 7:07
  together. Y'all got kids.
• 7:08
  He told me he was moving out. Why you wouldn't He said he's
• 7:11
  moving out tomorrow. Why you were not going to be
• 7:13
  there while you were at work. So if y'all can make it work, I
• 7:16
  will hope y'all make it work. Please don't tell them I told
• 7:18
  you. Now the person that I, the
• 7:21
  person that told I go home, my partner comes home and shoots me
• 7:26
  because this person told you see what I'm saying, or this person
• 7:29
  comes and takes the kids. My my partner now comes home,
• 7:34
  comes home and takes the kids because now they feel like I'm a
• 7:37
  banner. You see what I'm saying?
• 7:38
  There's so many different things.
• 7:39
  Watch who you tell because some people do have the best and
• 7:43
  might have good intentions, but they can set you up.
• 7:44
  So you don't even want to tell your friends and family members
• 7:47
  sometimes unless you can trust them, unless they know what's
• 7:50
  going on, right? Because a lot of times people
• 7:53
  keep it to themselves what's going on because you're
• 7:54
  embarrassed, because you're afraid, right?
• 7:56
  You're ashamed. That's understandable.
• 7:58
  So you keep the abuse to yourself.
• 8:00
  And then you, you finally come out and tell people, some people
• 8:02
  don't still don't listen to you. Some people are still not going
• 8:04
  to be on your side. Some people will still take the
• 8:06
  side of your abuser, right? So when they're taking the side
• 8:10
  of your abuser, why the hell would you want to be around this
• 8:12
  person? You know what I mean?
• 8:13
  If they're taking, if they're siding with your abuser, why
• 8:16
  would you want to be around this person at all?
• 8:18
  It doesn't make any sense, you know what I mean?
• 8:21
  So it's just like you want to protect yourself at all costs.
• 8:23
  So, so sometimes you should tell them, right?
• 8:25
  Sometimes you should. You have to tell them that
• 8:27
  you're leaving because y'all have leases, y'all own a house
• 8:30
  together, there's property involved.
• 8:31
  Sometimes you have to tell them that you're leaving, but you
• 8:34
  want to wait up until the close. You have to make, you know, just
• 8:38
  be safe, man. I can't have the harp on safety.
• 8:40
  I don't repeat myself about the safety thing, but you want to be
• 8:43
  safe because you want to tell them as close to the date as
• 8:46
  possible so they can't foil foil your plan.
• 8:49
  They can't hold you hostage. You can't damn kidnap you or
• 8:52
  your children or refuse to let you leave the house or barricade
• 8:56
  them or start threatening to harm themselves.
• 8:59
  They start threatening to harm themselves because of the
• 9:01
  situation that the way the situation is going, they start
• 9:05
  threatening and harming themselves and do this type of
• 9:06
  stuff right here. This is a truth bomb right here.
• 9:09
  That's why I want to tell y'all so many.
• 9:11
  So I want to tell so many people.
• 9:13
  When you're dealing with people in these situations, you always
• 9:16
  want to be safe. So should you tell them you're
• 9:19
  leaving? That's up to you.
• 9:20
  Your situation is very specific to you and I know there's a lot
• 9:23
  of people here who are going to be like, well, I'm going to tell
• 9:25
  them just so they know you don't look, if you are planning on
• 9:28
  leaving and you want to tell them, make sure that you're
• 9:32
  telling them with the right intent.
• 9:34
  Don't tell them with the intent on trying to get them to change
• 9:37
  their behaviors. But I've seen people do that
• 9:39
  before. Maybe if I tell them I'm
• 9:41
  leaving, they'll change because sometimes they will.
• 9:44
  They'll change on the spot. You wake up, they look, they
• 9:47
  ain't cooked or cleaned. They, they, they haven't,
• 9:50
  they'll, you wake up the next day, they'll be doing stuff they
• 9:53
  haven't done in years. They ain't cooked for you in 10
• 9:56
  years. Now.
• 9:56
  You got breakfast in bed, you got lunch in bed, you got dinner
• 9:59
  in bed, you got brunch in bed. They you can't get out of bed
• 10:02
  because you got food all over you.
• 10:05
  The house cleaned. They ain't cleaned the house in
• 10:07
  here. They said that was your damn
• 10:08
  job. They ain't cleaning nothing.
• 10:10
  The house is clean now. They took the kids to school.
• 10:13
  They did. They're doing stuff that they
• 10:14
  normally don't do. They trying to give you the
• 10:16
  cheeks. You ain't they, they didn't
• 10:18
  withheld. They didn't withheld the the
• 10:20
  cheeks or withheld the intimacy from you for a long time.
• 10:22
  But now they can't get out. They bounce on top of you.
• 10:24
  You wake up, you wake up to them bouncing or you're like, what is
• 10:26
  what's going on down there? You see what I'm saying?
• 10:30
  This happens, but that's manipulation.
• 10:32
  That's why don't tell them with the intent on helping that
• 10:35
  they'll change because they can foil your plan.
• 10:37
  You'll stop your plan on leaving, right?
• 10:40
  You'll stop your plan on leaving and this just starts up all over
• 10:43
  again. This will start up all over
• 10:45
  again and it won't stop. It'll keep going and going and
• 10:48
  going because that's the mentality that so many
• 10:51
  narcissistic people have, so many toxic people have.
• 10:54
  You always want to protect your peace.
• 10:56
  You always want to be as safe as you possible again.
• 10:58
  So should you tell them you're leaving?
• 10:59
  It's up to you. I'm actually working on my new
• 11:02
  course right now. You're called y'all call it
• 11:04
  leaving a narcissist. How to Leave a narcissist.
• 11:06
  It's gonna be a short mini course to go along with my other
• 11:10
  two courses slash video series, Understanding the Seven Stages
• 11:14
  of a Narcissistic Relationship to help you understand what
• 11:17
  you've been through and finding your why, How to Heal from
• 11:20
  narcissistic abuse. I would have those two
• 11:22
  available. Those two are at
• 11:24
  mentalillness.net. You can end the code mothers
• 11:27
  MOTHERS for 50% off y'all 2 great courses well reviewed so
• 11:32
  far. You can also book a one-on-one.
• 11:35
  I do zoom calls, zoom coaching or whatever over zoom mental
• 11:39
  illness.net. You can enter the code mental 10
• 11:41
  mental 1014 percent off those y'all only if you made to the
• 11:45
  end of this video. You want to do a call Mental
• 11:46
  ten? Hit the subscribe button y'all
• 11:48
  and I'm out. Peace.