Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / Managing a Boss Who Never Gives You Feedback
Transcript
- Lucas: So Luna, you know that moment when you finish a big project, you send it off to your boss, and then... nothing. No praise, no critique, just silence. It's like your work disappears into a black hole. Luna: Oh, I know that feeling. It's almost worse than getting negative feedback. At least then you know where you stand. Lucas: Exactly. And this is something our listeners deal with all the time. We've covered all sorts of difficult bosses — micromanagers, credit thieves, the ones who never stop talking — but today we're tackling a different beast: the boss who never gives you any feedback at all. Luna: The feedback vacuum. I've had a manager like that. It's incredibly frustrating because you're basically working in the dark. Lucas: Right. And the tricky part is, you can't just demand feedback. You have to create a situation where giving feedback becomes easy for them. And that's what we're going to dig into today. Luna: So where do we start? Why do some bosses avoid feedback like the plague? Lucas: Well, there are a few reasons. First, many managers are terrified of conflict. They'd rather say nothing than risk an awkward conversation. Second, a lot of them never got any training on how to give feedback, so they just don't know how. And third, some are simply too overwhelmed with their own work to prioritize it. Luna: That makes sense. But it doesn't help you when you're the one left guessing. Lucas: Right. So the key is to make the process as frictionless as possible for them. And the most effective tool I've seen is what I call a structured request. Instead of asking open-ended questions like 'How am I doing?' — which puts all the cognitive load on the boss — you ask very specific, behavior-based questions. Luna: Can you give an example? How would that work in practice? Lucas: Sure. Let's say you run weekly client reviews. Instead of asking 'How was my presentation?' you'd say something like, 'In Thursday's client review, I noticed I interrupted a few times. Is that something you've noticed? And what's one thing I could do differently next time to keep the meeting more collaborative?' That gives your boss something concrete to react to, and they can just say 'Yeah, maybe let them finish their thought' — easy. Luna: That's brilliant because it's like you're handing them the feedback on a silver platter. It's not a vague, 'tell me how I'm doing' — it's a specific, 'here's one thing I'm working on, can you help?' Lucas: Exactly. And it shows you're self-aware, which is a trait most managers appreciate. Plus, you get the feedback you need to grow. It's a win-win. Luna: But what if you've tried that and your boss still dodges? Like, they just say 'You're doing fine' and move on? Lucas: That's when you might need to escalate the specificity. Instead of asking for feedback on your performance generally, you ask for feedback on a specific deliverable. Like, 'I've been working on the Q3 forecast. Could you take a look at the assumptions section and let me know if you think the growth rate is realistic?' That's a concrete ask they can respond to without feeling like they're doing a performance review. Luna: So you're kind of forcing them to engage with the work itself, rather than you as a person. Lucas: Precisely. And that's a lot less intimidating for a feedback-averse boss. They're not evaluating you; they're evaluating the forecast. It's a subtle but powerful shift. Luna: I've also heard of the 'sandwich method' where you put criticism between two compliments. Does that help with these bosses? Lucas: You know, the sandwich method gets a lot of hype, but I think it often backfires. I remember a manager I had who used it so poorly — he'd say, 'Great job on the report, but you missed a few key data points, but overall solid work.' It just came off as insincere, and the actual feedback got lost in the fluff. In my experience, people appreciate directness more than a carefully layered sandwich. Luna: That's a good point. If your boss is already avoidant, a sandwich might just confuse them — they might only hear the compliments and miss the critique entirely. Lucas: Right. So instead of trying to soften the blow, make the feedback request itself low-stakes. And that brings me to a related tactic: scheduling regular check-ins. When you have a recurring weekly or biweekly meeting, feedback becomes a normal part of the agenda, not a big deal. Luna: But what if your boss is the type to cancel those meetings constantly? They say they're too busy. Lucas: Then you make it impossible to cancel by tying it to something they care about. Say, 'I'd love to spend fifteen minutes each week reviewing the project roadmap so we can catch any risks early. That way you don't get any surprises.' Now it's not just about you — it's about protecting their time and avoiding problems. That's a much harder meeting to skip. Luna: That's smart. You're positioning it as a way to make their life easier, not another burden. Lucas: Exactly. And honestly, this whole topic reminds me of something I've been thinking about lately. You know, a lot of career advice assumes you have a supportive manager, but the reality is many people don't. So it's up to us to engineer the feedback we need. Luna: Absolutely. And if today's episode helped you think through a tricky situation with your manager, well, that's exactly why we do this. These episodes stay ad-free because of listener support, so if you found this useful, you can buy us a coffee at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, it genuinely makes a difference — helps us keep the lights on and the coffee flowing as we put these episodes together. Appreciate anyone who does. Luna: Anyway, back to the feedback vacuum. So we've talked about structured requests, but what about when you need feedback for your performance review? That's a high-stakes moment. Lucas: Right. That's a different beast. You can't just ask on the spot. You need to be strategic. Start documenting your wins throughout the year — keep a 'brag file' of accomplishments, numbers, and positive emails from clients. Then, when the review comes, you can present that as a basis for discussion. But even better, you can ask your boss for feedback in advance, using the structured request format. Luna: Like, 'Before we do the annual review, I'd love to get your input on these three projects I'm most proud of. What do you think I could improve on?' Lucas: Exactly. That way, you're giving them a head start, and they can't claim they had no time to prepare. And you set the agenda, which gives you some control over the conversation. Luna: But what if your boss just doesn't care? You ask, they say 'You're doing great,' and that's it. How do you get real, actionable feedback? Lucas: It's hard, but you can try to make it personal. Say, 'I'm really trying to grow in my career, and I value your perspective. Is there anything you've seen me do that I could do better?' That can sometimes trigger a more thoughtful response because you're appealing to their ego, in a good way. Luna: That's a good tactic. And if they still give you nothing, then maybe it's time to look outside for feedback — from peers, mentors, or even clients. Lucas: Absolutely. You don't have to rely solely on your boss. In fact, the most successful people I know have a personal board of directors — a few trusted people who can give them honest feedback. Your boss is just one voice. Luna: That's a great way to think about it. So, what's the biggest takeaway you want listeners to have today? Lucas: I think it's this: you can't control your boss's behavior, but you can control how you ask for feedback. And if you make it easy for them, you'll get more of it. So next time you want feedback, don't just ask 'How am I doing?' — ask a specific, structured question that's easy to answer. Luna: That's a solid takeaway. I know I'm going to use that in my next one-on-one. And I bet our listeners will too. Lucas: Yeah. So here's a quick challenge for you: this week, pick one project you're working on, and ask your boss a structured feedback question about it. See what happens. I'd bet you'll get more than you expected. Luna: And if you try it, let us know how it goes. We'd love to hear about it on social media. Until next time, keep managing up. Lucas: And keep your coffee warm. That's a good idea for any boss.