Latest / DA CREW Podcast / DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ EPISODE #131_HOST TRIVEDA HARRIS

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DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ EPISODE #131_HOST TRIVEDA HARRIS · DA CREW Podcast

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It was Sweet, Good evening, and welcome to Believe in the Journey
2:34
Podcast, where I am your host, Trevida Harris, and Believe in the
2:38
Journey. I feel like everybody always has a purpose in which they have been
2:44
created, which is why I titled the show Believe in the Journey, because
2:47
your journey is connected to your purpose in which God has created you. So
2:52
before we do anything, we always have to go to God in prayer.
2:57
Dear God, thank you for this moment. Thank You for the God items.
3:00
Thank you for allowing each and every person who was here tonight. Allow
3:05
them to take whatever they need from the show, and may bless them in
3:08
ways that you see fit in your precious name, Jesus, We pray Amen.
3:14
Tonight, we will be talking with the authors of You're Just a Foster
3:17
Parents anthology book. The first person that I'm gonna bring up is Natasha Robinson.
3:25
She is the brains behind this amazing book, and the other authors will
3:30
join us later as they are getting off of work. Tonight, So as
3:36
they come, we will add them into the conversation, but that will be
3:40
honest, Doctor good All, Mary Petty, Tiana Burton, and Lolisa Morgan,
3:46
who is a license social worker. So welcome, welcome, welcome again.
3:53
This is your second time on the show and I'm grateful to have you
3:57
here. So we're gonna talk about this. It's beautiful, beautiful anthology book.
4:02
Steady, just you're just a foster parent. How did you come up
4:06
with the idea to do this book in the first place? Being taught out
4:14
as you can bring them up? Huh, go ahead, keep going,
4:26
Yeah, just being told bad And you know, it was just an idea
4:30
that you know, God sent me a message that needs to be you know,
4:35
sent out. A lot of people were telling me that, you know,
4:41
I shouldn't have feelings because my my first baby left. They said that
4:49
I shouldn't have feelings that you know, you're a foster mom, so you
4:53
need to just basically get over it and foster the other kids. And but
4:58
that wasn't my goal. My goal was to actually adopt. So I just
5:03
felt that I needed to get my story out in some way, and then
5:11
I decided to actually include other foster parents who have actually adopted as well to
5:18
give out their stories and their experiences and stuff like that, because I thought
5:23
a lot of people don't see the good side. They see people just trying
5:28
to take advantage of the system and try to get all these kids and get
5:30
money and so on and so forth. And I feel like foster the system
5:36
or foster care is more than that that. You know, they're actually parents
5:42
and people out there that want to take these kids in and give them a
5:46
forever home. So yeah, that's where entie idea came from. Just one
5:53
day. I was like, let me tell my story. And I believe
5:57
that most foster parents do get that bad rap of you know, they just
6:01
want the kids just for the check. They're not trying to love on the
6:05
children. They're just there to line their pockets. And most people don't think
6:11
about the relationships that each person who takes in a foster child builds with the
6:16
child that comes into their home, you know. And I felt like it
6:21
was a very important story to share, and I'm glad that I had the
6:27
opportunity to help you guys get this story out. Hey miss li Liisa,
6:31
how are you are happy? Too happy to join you, yes man.
6:39
We were just basically talking about how she came up with the idea of the
6:45
title of the book and the book itself, you know, reading you guys's
6:49
stories and put it together in the book. At listen. I'll be honest
6:55
with you. I had to share me a couple of tears as I was
6:58
putting it all together, because every single story was so heartfelt and touching because
7:05
some of you were foster children yourself and got to be in that space and
7:11
and everything, and you know, you know what it felt like to be
7:14
on one side and then to be on the giving side and versus receiving and
7:19
the giving, so that that made it, you know, even more touching,
7:24
you know, Hi, Tianna Tiana, Yeah, I know for me
7:29
when she when I saw her her request asking authors, right, and I
7:34
had published before, but I was like, you know, this is an
7:39
opportunity this year. My other story, right, my foster care story,
7:44
because I adopted my middle side, and it was a very valuable instrumental lesson
7:50
because you know, when I learned about foster care, I did. It
7:55
wasn't called foster care, it was called something else. When it comes to
7:59
our history. Three in our genetics as far as in black community, and
8:03
so it was mom andem taking on a relative because someone was special, someone
8:09
had issues, and and so grandma, cousin, auntie, someone took you
8:15
in and they just took care of you. That happened in my family where
8:18
my mother was taken in by her step grandmother. And I would have never
8:22
known right outside of genealogy, but I found out. I was like,
8:28
wait a minute, you know, we just help people. Okay, I
8:31
want to do that when I get stables. That's all I'm wanted to do
8:35
is give back because I knew what had happened with my mother, and so
8:39
when I came into foster care for myself, it was unreal how insensitive some
8:46
people are or culturally not culturally competent when it comes to working with black families
8:52
and probably any of the minorities right where you know, the standard of proof
8:58
is culturally sensitive. It doesn't take into account that black families have come generation
9:05
generationally from poverty. And yeah, some people did it for a financial game.
9:13
It's unfortunate. However, there's a lot of people with a big old
9:16
heart on their sleeves. Yeah, just wanted to be a mom because of
9:20
infertility, or just wanted to give back and help a relative or something of
9:26
that nature, or just because of their faith right God may have called them
9:31
to do foster care. I know the lady who introduced me to modern gay
9:35
foster care, she had cared for hundreds of kids and I was like grateful
9:39
that she modeled that for me. So when I got my son, I
9:43
was like, I'm keeping them. That's it. That was it for me.
9:48
And so because it's like, if you gave birth, would you keep
9:52
your kids right, no matter how imperfect that child is. And so you
9:56
can't give your kid your biological ca why would you give a foster kid back?
10:01
And foster kids need a forever home. They need a meaningful adult relationships
10:07
so that it grounds them in reality to be a community member. And if
10:13
we don't be at the next generation of African Americans, not just general fostercule
10:18
in general, but our African American families need to be grounded, we are
10:24
we are destroying our own community without giving people positive attachment, positive relationships.
10:33
So this book that Natasha came up with, I just thought was important to
10:37
one give caregivers a live that you're not alone. Yes, you go through
10:41
the good, the bad, the ugly with having a foster kid, and
10:46
so did I, so did Natasha, like so many others who helped write
10:50
this book. And so it's it's just to you know, some people forget
10:56
therapy is available when you are a foster parent because it ain't easy, and
11:00
so a lot of foster parents go through parenting without the support. You know,
11:05
their social worker may come visit, but you know this is this it
11:07
could be traumatic for the foster parents because you want so much for that child
11:13
to reunify with their mom or you want to be that forever mom, and
11:16
they go back and forth in the system, back and forth, and it's
11:20
hard. It's it's grieving sometimes when you have to return a kid that you
11:26
don't really your gut says dad is not gonna do the right thing, or
11:30
mom is not going to do the right thing, or whoever the legal guardian
11:33
was before is not going to do the right thing, and you just don't
11:35
want them to go back and forth when they've made so much progress. Right
11:41
as well, Tianna, how is your experience being part of this book?
11:48
It was it was a good experience for me. This is actually the second
11:52
book that I've been anthology that I've actually been part of. For me,
11:54
it was kind of like a dear diary, like let me tell my side
11:58
and me tell my experience. Fortunately, I'll be completely transparent. I am.
12:05
I was. I'm already a single mother of four children, so to
12:07
be a single mother of seven was not I was not the top of my
12:11
list, all right. I did start doing foster care as a means of
12:16
supplementy income. That's what I've known. I grew up in a family where
12:20
they've adopted children and foster children, and so I knew what additional what it
12:24
meant to be a foster parent, but I also knew what the financial gains
12:28
of it is just being completely transparent, and so I ended up getting two
12:35
brothers, and the goal was for them to stay for me for six months.
12:39
Four years later, now we're doing a guardianship. She has another baby,
12:43
and this baby came to me at two weeks old, and so we
12:48
just cut the whole thing into the whole adoption process. So now I'm a
12:50
single mother of seven children. But for me, the adoption was not the
12:58
I did not go into fostercure to adopt or to do this alone at all
13:03
that that was not the goal. I wouldn't have any of the way now
13:05
that this is my babies. I've even had people out of town like,
13:09
girl, you don't stuck it have some babies, no, because we just
13:11
all placed together, we look like but yeah, I know, yeah,
13:18
no, I know that's funny. But you know it's it's a lot of
13:24
ups and downs. The crate the I'll see more. I'm a social worker,
13:28
so I have the social work review from the inside, and then I
13:31
also have the home life right, so I get I understand the balance.
13:37
I understand, and I tell people like to be complete, to be honest.
13:41
Foster care is a business, and so dcfs controls your home. They
13:45
tell you how your home needs to lookable, goes in your kitchen with you,
13:48
how you can discipline, so you're not able to even parent these children
13:50
the way you might want necessarily parent or give them the things. I actually
13:54
took my children off of psychotropic meds because I just thought that it wasn't necess
14:00
series so I was working lost her mind. But okay, so let me
14:03
take my babies out of the system so I can parent them and give them
14:05
what they need. And actually it's still what happened, you know what I
14:09
mean. So, but you have to know if you're going into this,
14:13
these children belong to the DCFS and so you have guidelines and rooms. They
14:16
actually belong to the state of California, right right, and so and so
14:20
does your home. So yeah, but it's been a good experience. Those
14:28
are my babies. I have seven children, seven blessings cly seven and we're
14:31
I met my quoting we're done and listen, listen. I say this like
14:39
as I was reading your story and you said that that was not in your
14:43
plan, but it was always in God's plan. It was always in his
14:46
purpose for you, which is why everything happened in the way that it needed
14:52
to, because you were searching for something in the midst of everything that you
14:56
were going through, and so everything alive mine the way that God intended.
15:01
You know. It was an ends to a means that you were going through,
15:05
but it was also the purpose in which He had been creating you and
15:09
bringing your children to you. That know that you didn't birth them, but
15:15
these were still destined to be your children. And that's one of the things
15:20
I Yeah, that's what I think about for foster children. Now, my
15:24
younger two siblings were placed in foster care, and their story has not been
15:31
an easy one. I can't say that I was in the system, but
15:37
I wasn't raised by either one of my parents. But I understand being raised
15:41
by the aunties, you know, because I was raised by my two unts
15:45
and my children I have my three. However, any other children that were
15:50
in the neighborhood have always, like I tell people, I have adopted children
15:56
because of their friends. And you know, I don't even know how many
16:00
adopted children I have now because my kids will make friends with anybody, and
16:06
once they come to the house and they eat dinner, they do not leave.
16:11
So you know, I am right, they come back community, yes,
16:22
And so that has been what has happened. And so I get phone
16:26
calls from the children and I'm like, okay, but can you call your
16:29
mama today because I don't I don't want to have to talk to you today
16:33
about this. Well, Mama, Ta, I just need you to listen.
16:36
Can you just listen. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and listen,
16:38
but we still gonna go ahead and talk to your mama too about whatever this
16:42
is. So I commend you guys for being open and honest and transparent with
16:49
sharing your journeys, because I feel like the positive side doesn't always get looked
16:55
at when it comes to foster parenting. You know, you gotta have a
16:57
big heart to look and share that with children who need that, because a
17:03
lot of times that's what kids are searching for. They're searching for a place
17:06
to where they can feel love, appreciated, celebrated and wanted. And the
17:12
main thing is that they want to feel like somebody wants them and they're not
17:17
afraid to say that and admit it. And for you guys to share these
17:22
stories. If you, guys have not purchased this book, please go to
17:27
Amazon and purchase You're Just a Foster Parent today, because I promise you it
17:33
is a heartwarming book and it will melt your heart and you will get attached
17:37
to You ain't gonna know children, but you're gonna wish you knew them by
17:41
the end of the book because all these children that they speak of are truly
17:45
a blessing in so many ways, and each one of them as well.
17:52
The next question I want to ask you, guys, and whoever wants to
17:56
answer can answer, what has been the greatest benefit from you from sharing this
18:03
this part of your life with the rest of the world. What has been
18:07
the blessing for you? Just encouraging other people to be foster parents. I
18:15
mean there's a shortage right now and because of the people who wanted to do
18:22
it for the money, they're now getting out of it because the requirements and
18:27
you know, are now more restrictive, and so now we don't have enough
18:33
and we don't have enough foster parents that take older kids. Yeah, and
18:37
so it's really a need out there for love and support and guidance and mentorship
18:45
to the older kids. Yeah. So that's the sadness that's going out.
18:51
So just encouraging people. Look, consider this, if you raise your kids,
18:56
if you're a grandparent that kind of have you know, you've retired and
18:59
you just want to mentor you don't have to do diapers. Everybody don't get
19:02
a baby, that's the truth. Everybody don't get a child that's quote unquote
19:07
perfect. And that's the misnomer of being a foster parrot. A lot of
19:11
these kids come from very traumatic, broken backgrounds, and whether it's sexual abuse,
19:18
which is could be deep dark healing from our very deep place, and
19:22
so whether that physical abuse. H's startled when you go to hug them.
19:27
I mean, this is real what you get when you get a foster game.
19:32
You get some kids that were were so neglect negligent, they hoard food,
19:37
They want to hide food in the room because they never know when they're
19:40
gonna get their next meal. So they've trained themselves to gather, hunt,
19:44
and gather their primitive brain. So it's so important to understand that we need
19:49
to encourage people just to be who you are, be authentically you, and
19:55
love them some babies, we just need you to take the oldest to the
19:57
youngest and enter them through and support them so we can have a strong community,
20:04
because if we don't do it, who will And if you don't,
20:10
if we don't have a community behind us, why did we live exactly exactly
20:18
for the babies too though? You know the babies. So my baby came
20:22
to me a two weeks old, but he came to me addicted to meth
20:26
and so I had to take him through all of his withdrawals, all of
20:30
that, and I remember I had a complete breakdown one day. I came
20:36
to work and I told my supervisor, like if I had actually birthfash child,
20:38
I would be at home on maternity leave, and I literally had a
20:41
baby that came into my home and got the next day and went to work.
20:45
Like I'm going through all these things with these children and just learning that
20:49
there are just some things genetically that when you have a parent that suffers from
20:53
mental illness and a father, the parents have these things, and these children
20:57
come here, you can love them, but it's not necessarily your DNA,
21:02
and so they come with the POST, they come with the PTSD, but
21:04
there's also just some things mental health wise that you have to be very very
21:11
patient and educated on to even know how to deal with it. Like my
21:15
children came to me my well, my sixteets six now, but he can't
21:18
spend eighteen months and he's still hoarded, and he still did the hunting in
21:23
the gathering and you never experienced that. You've been he since you were eighteen
21:26
months old. But at five, he's still hiding things under the bed.
21:30
He's still you know, like sneaking and not telling the truth. And they
21:36
still have these characteristics that are just interning, you know. I mean,
21:41
trauma starts in the womb. People don't think about that. I mean,
21:45
as a mother, your environment is so crucial to your child's manifestessfestation in reality,
21:56
So they had a traumatic womb period, gonna see that like you just
22:02
describe in their their birthing life. And so when we talk about maternal mental
22:08
health, it's it's real. And so as foster parents, we get to
22:12
see the product of the proper you know, maternity period, you know,
22:18
and it's sometimes you get a gamble and it's okay with the getting a newborn,
22:23
and sometimes you see alcohol, Feto syndrome, babies that cry without reason,
22:29
you feed them, clothe them, diaper and going through the whole list
22:32
of baby one on one and it's still not settled easy right, right,
22:37
So no matter these children come, the only reason the State of California gets
22:44
involved is trauma and drama. There's a clear documented rule of thumb that social
22:52
workers have to go through. Now. Granted, in the past, because
22:57
of poverty, there was children that just weren't returned home. Poverty was really
23:03
a really a number one reason some of these kids weren't try return home.
23:07
But now in today's society, we can't let poverty be the reason they don't
23:11
go home. So they as many as keen as as they can they return
23:18
them home. And the ones that can't clearly mom, dad, no relatives,
23:23
we can't. They just don't go home. And so we need foster
23:29
parents. That's why each of us have fostered the community babies. Each of
23:33
us has fostered children and you know, grandchildren sometimes, you know, so
23:40
that we can make a difference in the next generation. And the trauma,
23:44
even even with trauma, they will set you back into your own trauma,
23:49
yes, and that's not talked about. So if you experienced sex abuties and
23:53
you get a kid that was sexy abuts, you will go through some MoMA's
23:56
like what the heck? Or you were through physical abuse and that baby's got
24:00
actively going through something, you will relive your trauma. So that is why
24:06
it's important to have your team of the foster parents for respite, your inner
24:12
circle tribe, because you can't have all kinds of people around the kids.
24:17
But then at least your personal therapists. Because most people don't talk about foster
24:22
parent mental health. It is a real thing, and we need to take
24:26
care of foster parents because if you're gonna go to distance and raise generations of
24:32
kids, we need to make sure your mind is right. You know,
24:37
we got to make sure our right is right right when we have our biological
24:40
children, you know, and when you're dealing with constant trauma, kids acting
24:47
out, social workers that may or may not support you, administrations and schools
24:52
and all the community partnerships that may go back and forth with you. You're
24:56
fighting on the Individual Education Plan i EP to try to get additional support or
25:02
medical support, and no one helps you. It's frustrating and you want to
25:07
scream and put your teeth in your hair. If not nothing, yes,
25:11
or some foster parents turned to alcohol or other things. Right, And we
25:15
want to keep you healthy and good and safe for yourself because number one,
25:19
besides God, you need to love on you and then love on them babies.
25:26
So if you have to care your mental hellness, mental illness, whether
25:29
it's occupation, mental health, physical health, some people become severely unhealthy and
25:34
obese, and we have to make sure you all right. And that's part
25:38
of the reason why we wrote the book as a as a unit. We
25:41
want to make sure foster parents know you're not alone, right, You're not
25:48
alone. I think that another thing with foster parents and just in general with
25:56
parents most of the time, especially in our black community, we don't talk
26:00
about the mental health aspect as much as we need to. We always just
26:04
push ship down and say, okay, I'm okay, I'll get through this,
26:08
no matter what that hardship is. Whatever we're going through. We are
26:12
having a hard time formalizing words and things of that nature and trying to put
26:18
it all together. That we don't talk about the mental strain that is put
26:23
on us in that time as well. Hey Anna asked, how are you
26:27
glad that you made it? He is the foster dad, y'all. We
26:33
don't talk to many foster dads, so we gonna get him in this conversation
26:37
as well, because you know, most of the time it's always the women
26:45
who step up in taking in children and doing the mother and doing the nurturing
26:52
and things of that nature. But men are capable of doing the same things,
26:56
even you know, just single single dads out there. We don't talk
27:00
about them as well. But the questions that have been asked since you're joining
27:06
us now is basically what made you join to be part of this anthology book
27:11
and also what has been the greatest achievement of sharing your story inside this book.
27:22
I became a part of it because I was asked because it is true
27:29
that you don't hear about Foster dance at all. And I happened to come
27:33
across Nasha and it was like, you know what, you're right, I
27:38
guess you don't really hear our side of the side of the ordeal. And
27:45
you know, and the thing is is, like I give, I was
27:47
raised by a single mom, my my grandmother. I just call it my
27:51
mom, right, And and but it was something I realized that it saw,
27:55
I saw my whole life was it was just women, you know what
27:57
I mean, the men in the household or secondary if they existed, like
28:03
just doing the bare men because you know, like mad respect to to all
28:11
the moms, step moms, frost moms, anybody who steps up. But
28:15
women carry the weight of the world on their shoulder. And it's and it's
28:18
and me doing this by myself, like I ain't even gonna tell you it's
28:22
humbling. It humbled the hell out of me to to think about it.
28:26
What all the stuff my grandmother has to do. Right, Yeah, But
28:30
but my greatest, but my greatest part of the book, A lot of
28:37
the people, well, I feel like I'm able to just flip it and
28:44
go like thank you for giving me to respect for being a single or whatever.
28:47
But but it's just I get the opportunity to reflect, like, think
28:51
about how you can be supportive to the single women you know in your life,
28:53
the moms you know in your life, the aunties you know your life
28:56
right, And a lot of people are coming up to me going wanted to
29:00
know how to be a part of the foster foster care process and all of
29:03
that stuff. And you know, so so there are a lot of hearts
29:07
out there that want to do this. But you know, like I say,
29:11
this ain't for this saint, this ain't for the faint of heart.
29:14
But I wanted to let you know because I haven't talked to you since we
29:17
did the announcement of the book. I officially adopted my daughter yesterday. We
29:22
signed paper. Yeah yeah, So it wasn't just a foster care journey for
29:33
me and my family. It became we became a family because I really didn't
29:37
see myself having children and didn't. I didn't want kids. I ain't even
29:40
gonna lie any want kids. I don't even no, thank you, but
29:44
but GOT had a different plan for me. So but you know it but
29:48
it is true. The mental health aspect of it is like I felt like
29:52
I really couldn't say how I felt or what I was thinking because I would
29:57
have been viewed as weak. I would have been viewed as you know what
30:02
I mean. But this whole process for all of us that have in common
30:04
is we've gone through it, so we understand what I'm coming from. Where
30:08
the root is, you know what I mean. This is beyond the social
30:11
worker visits once a month, but this is you. This is your whole
30:17
life under a spotlight at any given moment, right, I mean, You're
30:22
not giving the resources that that are due to you, You're not giving the
30:26
services that are that are due to due to the child. Everything is a
30:30
fight, everything, and it's like I'm kind of like, well, why
30:33
why is that? I got I mean, not legitimate questions, but but
30:38
I mean, but we really, we really do not do this other than
30:42
the fact that our heart is in it. I can honestly say that,
30:48
yes, yeah, and I believe the heart has to be in it in
30:52
order for you to do that, to open your heart to a child that
30:57
you did not help create, And that's always one of the things that if
31:03
you have the love to share with someone else, then sharing that love with
31:08
someone else, and especially a child, because I had to explain to my
31:14
kids one time because they used to be so jealous of the other kids,
31:18
the neighborhood kids being at the house all the time. It's like when they
31:21
got mama's and dad, it's in everything and it's just you and us over
31:25
here. And I'm like, yeah, I understand that, I said,
31:26
but baby, you gotta understand everybody's home life isn't happy. And so if
31:33
these children are okay with being at my house and they can be kids and
31:37
they can feel the love and the appreciation that you guys get, there's nothing
31:42
wrong with you guys sharing me for a little while, for a couple of
31:47
hours, a couple of minutes or whatever. And once I explain that to
31:49
them that way, they understood a little bit more and so it wasn't a
31:55
fight no more, cause they were like, okay, but you my mama,
31:59
I'm just saying I'm young. Mm hmm. Her statement went up down.
32:08
Neighborhood kids always to do, come on back, okay, can't can't
32:24
hear me? Yeah we can hear you now. Yeah, okay, we're
32:30
still buffering now, okay, like my my, my internet decided it wanted
32:37
to cut me out. That's the enemy. But I wanted to say before
32:45
for it so rudely interrupted me that you know exactly, because we still gonna
32:54
get it done. I'm still gonna say what I was trying to say anyway,
32:58
that my hame mama. All right, our host has stepped away.
33:07
But like she was saying, foster parents, foster fathers are so I'll beat
33:13
single dads all the time and nas. And it's just that I think it's
33:16
an amazing tribute that you got to join this book. I'm so grateful that
33:22
you did, because men are underrepresentative. The Department is always releasing kids to
33:29
fathers more often than you, not than not nowadays, and so you're just
33:34
representative of the men who step up and be men. You know you are
33:40
covering, You are covering for our households, and we forget that that's a
33:45
God ordained structure. Men need to be in this picture. Men need to
33:51
be in the room. And so I'm grateful that you I just jumped intributed
33:54
because you know you had those out. But men need to be men need
34:00
to be in the room. Men need to be at the table leading a
34:02
way to build and strengthen our community. And I'm just grateful you got to
34:07
chance to join in on the conversation so that you can tell guys, if
34:13
you ain't met your queen and you still desire to be a covering to a
34:17
child who needs it, you still can't. You don't have to start in
34:22
diapers. You can start with young young teens that need that love and affection.
34:27
You can just you can start with the eight year olds, right I
34:30
started with an eight year old. You know, I didn't want to diaper
34:32
or not, but I gotta did it. So we need our men,
34:37
though, we need our men to lead the way in the past. So
34:40
to me to continue what you were gonna do, Dad, open your heart
34:45
to loving all those children because they all need it. And it starts from
34:50
if you get them when they're just a couple days old, and if you
34:53
get them when they're seventeen years old, they still need that love. They
34:59
need to know that they were not a mistake, that they were wanted,
35:01
they were their love. They're appreciated, and they will be celebrated in the
35:07
most highway that they can be. And God always connects us to the people
35:12
that we need, not the people that we want all the time, because
35:15
half the time we don't want half the people that we encounter. But it's
35:20
always the people that we need that He connects us too. And I am
35:24
a feign believer of all of that. And now I don't know what the
35:29
devil thought he had planned for today, but we still gonna take talk about
35:31
what we need to talk about. Everything just went out on where we supposed
35:38
to be right. And that's how it happens. When you start doing what's
35:44
right and what's positive and you're uplifting God in it. It's always gonna be
35:50
that little endemy. I ain't even gonna give him that credit, but it's
35:52
God always gonna he gonna try to show up. But what he doesn't seem
35:55
to understand is God is always gonna be on the other end, and we
35:59
always gonna win. We're never gonna be defeated by what he's doing. We're
36:02
battle tested. God always wins the war, So it doesn't really matter.
36:07
Yes, being a believer and follower of faith, you know, I chose
36:15
to go through a Christian based foster agency. If even in that I was
36:19
told what I was told right and so the enemy shows up to try to
36:23
kill, steal and destroy joy. The enemy tries to attack us in our
36:30
oom, let alone after we get here. And so these babies need to
36:34
cover and they need to be anointed in prayer. They need everything that we
36:38
have in us to bless a child with. And so you know, this
36:45
is just evidence, like the technical difficulties, it's just evidence that we're in
36:49
the right path. We're doing exact I want us to do, to talk
36:52
about a very real issue in community, and especially in black community, where
36:58
we need our men, we need other foster parents to step up and strengthen
37:04
the next generation and build them up so that we can have someone when we
37:08
get older, Like yeah, a blink of time and before we're the seniors,
37:15
just the blink of time before we're the seniors, we have oldest childest
37:20
thirty and I still can't believe it. I still can't believe you. From
37:25
one of my guests, and the question is if the children asked, how
37:30
do you explain to them why they're being fostered are adopted? That is one
37:36
of the hardest questions I have ethically, morally, and emotionally we have faced
37:40
during the three years of this whole process I do. And I'm just gonna
37:47
speak candidly because this is just where, just where it's coming from. I
37:53
understand that everybody needs to understand or wants to understand where they come from,
38:00
who they come from, and all this other stuff. I stand on the
38:04
I've been asked this question time and time again. When will I tell her
38:07
she's adopted. I don't hang around folks who know she's adopted, who could
38:13
potentially spill the beans before I get the opportunity to tell her myself, because
38:17
people feel this. You know, you just have certain people that feel the
38:21
need to tell other people's story for whatever reason. But how do you explain
38:28
to them there I'm gonna be honest with you, there is never I don't
38:30
feel that there is ever a right time or a wrong time to do it.
38:35
I feel it's a rule edged sword because if you do tell them,
38:39
it may create a longing in them, Like I don't have a relationship with
38:44
with with with my parents, okay, and and so there's this empty space
38:49
inside of me that I wish that nobody would ever feel. Okay, that's
38:53
just that's just the truth of the matter. So if I so so personally
38:59
as my as my daughter's father. I don't ever want to create hurt in
39:02
her, but this is what I feel will create hurt. It'll create a
39:07
situation inside of her that may not, you know, would be addressed otherwise.
39:15
But the way to explain it is to explain it in truth. And
39:21
you have to do when when you are mentally and emotionally ready to have that
39:27
conversation. And it's when they ask, if they ask. But I but
39:30
every child deserves to know where they come from. But how do you explain
39:35
it simply in truth? And there is no way to avoid the hurt that
39:40
comes with that. Now there may it may not all be hurt. I
39:44
have friends who are adopted and they were happy to know that they were adopted,
39:47
like they found root and love and it wasn't as devastating or whatever.
39:52
But they do say that there's a bit of trauma there because they were given
39:59
up and they don't understand and whine. They may never have that answer because
40:01
answer so so sana or tosture that you have something before I add to what
40:09
he's saying. You know, the fortunate not fortunately, but in my situation,
40:17
my oldest, my oldest, my oldest son was the one that experienced
40:22
the most abuse, and so he knows why he was put in the system.
40:28
The other two younger ones don't understand. The baby has no clue he's
40:30
he's he's having I've hadn't seen it was two weeks old. He has no
40:34
clue about anything else. But they also have sibling visits, right, so
40:38
they know that they have this big, extended family. The beauty of it
40:44
is I have me and my ex husband co parent and have co parented since
40:49
we were better divorced that we were together so much so us having big family
40:53
and people in the house. It's not weird, it's not strange, it's
40:57
not odd. And I agree with him that it's just about being completely truthful
41:02
and honest. I have to sometimes reel the oldest one back in because he's
41:07
he's the one that has experienced the most abuse, and so he's angry.
41:12
He has those moments where he's like caused the biological moment by her name,
41:15
whether the baby makes the five year old may say my other mommy, you
41:19
know, so we kind of battle with that, but I they just know
41:23
that they're my children, are very very appreciative, and they're always, so
41:28
I thank you, mommy, love you, mommy, whatever, and we're
41:30
we're a house full of love. And so that's what the that's all these
41:34
kids know. They're really not concerned with the traumatic part of it because I
41:38
think that my family and my extended family and my friends and co works and
41:43
everybody. So it's this big bubble of umbrell of love and so they're not
41:47
they don't they're not missing that part of it, you know what I mean.
41:52
So it hasn't that part hasn't been hasn't been hard. I do.
41:55
I'm not sure what I'll do when the baby asks, because I'm not his
42:00
anological mother and he does he does not know her, but he has siblings
42:04
and we interact with the siblings. So I hadn't gotten to that port yet.
42:08
Yeah, And with me, I had babies. I had two babies,
42:15
and I always, you know, wondered what, how or when and
42:19
what I would say when that time came, because I know that's the hardest
42:23
subject to actually talk about with the child, and you know, just to
42:30
think that the thought of them like you know, maybe you know, uh,
42:35
rebellion against me, because it's like, well, did you take me
42:38
away from my parents or from my mom, you know, just maybe like
42:43
going through the phase of where they you know, are like they don't want
42:49
to consider me to be you know, that person anymore to them. But
42:54
I always wanted to be open, always wanted to be, you know,
42:58
feel open to where they know their biological family by any means, if it
43:04
was safe enough for them, you know, to another biological family. But
43:09
I don't know. That question always was in the you know, the thought
43:13
was always in the back of my head, like how would I present that
43:16
to them, you know, like are their books and you know, videos
43:22
to where I can ease them into knowing like that they were either you know,
43:25
adopted or in the system because of such and such a reason like you
43:31
know, so, but I haven't got to that point yet. So okay,
43:37
So I would like to add it's about managing our emotions. It's about
43:40
being honest with ourselves how we feel about the process of adoption. When you
43:47
manage our emotions and really come to how do you feel about it? Right?
43:53
And then as you transfer knowledge, I will say, my son who
43:58
is adopted, was older. He did not like the word adoption, so
44:04
I had to reframe it. Would you like to stay with me forever.
44:07
But when I said adoption, he didn't want He's no, I don't want
44:09
to be adopted, right, especially when you're dealing with older kids, because
44:14
they're looking at the permanency. If they know their biological family, what does
44:16
that mean? They don't know, They just know. This is a word
44:20
that severs the tie on the name, basically, but that doesn't sever the
44:24
tie of them being your fair of her family. And so transitioning from oh,
44:31
the social workers are the baby takers? Did you take my mom?
44:36
You know the reframing of language, right, did you take me from my
44:38
mom? Life is about choices and consequences. If we start there. You
44:44
choose to obey the rules. You choose not to obey the rules. Parenting
44:46
has rules. You choose to obey the safety guard guidelines that each state sets
44:52
for or you don't. You choose to comply with the court. Sometimes their
44:57
sickness. Sickness mental health is largely the reason why children don't reunify. So
45:04
when I explained to my son the reason he wasn't with his nine other siblings
45:08
because he was separated from his other other siblings and adopted out separately, which
45:15
was a whole different story. But I told him, I say, your
45:17
mom and dad had some sickness and unfortunately they weren't able to work through it,
45:22
so someone had to raise you while mom and dad were sick. Therefore,
45:28
I volunteered to be here forever mom, and so in that six we
45:35
teach children about choices and consequence every day of their lives. Right, So
45:39
when you say, when you presented from an angle that because someone had a
45:45
need, you stepped in, it's a little bit easier to swallow. And
45:50
then it depends on your your orientation. I didn't open the adoption. I
45:55
chose that because I wanted his family to be able to reach out to him.
46:00
Now, if you did a closed adoption, that's still your choice.
46:02
However, for me, I families forever. So I opted to do an
46:08
open adopted. Now, the families never contacted us. And when he got
46:13
eighteen, I said, hey, do you want us to look for them?
46:15
And he declined. He declined. Being a foster parent you get access
46:22
to certain names. You know, when you go straight adoption, you don't
46:24
get the information, but being a foster parent, you know the names,
46:28
you know the biological family and so on. Some levels of parents at least,
46:32
and you know, with technology you could search for people. My son
46:37
decline, so I left it up to him. I do therapy for children
46:43
who are adopted by non black families, right, and because they are in
46:51
a white home, they're like, I wonder where my family looked like or
46:53
what they did, and so they needed some more support because they don't have
46:59
They weren't supposed to block culture in a sense from the hood or the suburban
47:04
lifestyle, and so coaching people like how wouldn't grieve what you didn't have,
47:10
because it's a grief and loss process. Right, You're grieving that I couldn't
47:15
give birth to a natural trust, so I chose adoption. I'm grieving that
47:21
you know your parents couldn't get it together, so as your cousin, I
47:24
had to raise you. There's a lot of managing emotions involved, and once
47:29
you start with yourself, it's an easier, you know, transition to teach
47:35
about choices and consequences and why you had to help with volunteeriness to step into
47:42
that full time role. Yeah, I agree with but I agree with what
47:45
you're saying. But I think what you hit on the grievance and loss that
47:50
is. I think that will be the coin the term the term to coin
47:54
right there, because most the equation there's gonna, it's grieving and loss.
48:00
Because our viewers said, I was, I asked because I was foster and
48:04
adopt it was and told the truth. And so that so when you're not
48:07
told the truth, you know, it cred it create, it creates something
48:13
inside you. But when you're told the truth, it also creates something insiety.
48:17
So it's so it literally is a double edged sort. Like for me,
48:22
if if I'll say this for my the way my daughter was brought up
48:24
to this world was very traumatic. I don't I don't have respect for the
48:30
mother, right. I respect her for choosing life, but I don't respect
48:36
her as a person because of the choices she made and has continued to make
48:39
again. Right, So I don't know how to personally introduce. Do you
48:45
see what I'm saying? Like you gotta I really start, really start to
48:49
go. You know, it's it's it's every situation for itself, like what's
48:53
too traumatic? What isn't too traumatic? The truth? Is the truth traumatic
48:57
or not? And you know how you may not to introduce in stages,
49:00
right, that's the truth because they're little, and then a young adult they
49:07
may be able to handle more of the information. You may have to bite
49:09
size piece it because it's an elephant. It's an elephant in the room.
49:15
Yeah, necessarily with this, with this whole entire topic, because I know
49:21
it's gonna have to come for sure, And I don't want my daughter to
49:24
feel like how how miss little John is feeling on the thing right? Wasn't
49:29
told the truth? Right? I would like, I'm pretty sure that that
49:32
she has, you know, something inside of her that is it's a piece
49:38
and that piece is heavy and the and it's and I mean, yes,
49:43
it's amazing. An answer to it, forever home, because there's some there's
49:45
somebody who wants you. There's somebody who wants to love you. It is
49:47
a choice, and choices are powerful. And when somebody opens up their home
49:52
to you, open up their hearts to you, open up their family to
49:55
you, open up all of this stuff that they can provide for you,
49:59
and and and with or without their own biological children, that is, that
50:05
is what is magnificent. And all of the foster foster care foster to adopt
50:09
whatever you know, and but but the but the meat and potatoes of the
50:15
situation is how do you how do you explain them traumatic not traumatic, this
50:22
that or the other about you know where they come from and and and who's
50:27
there and who their parents? Who their parents truly truly are you know what
50:31
I mean like? And then you break down the definition of parents like I'm
50:36
her father and the discussion. So she has two facts this worldom the one
50:40
who's choosing to raise her and the one who will raise her. And that's
50:45
that. But it's it's guys. This has definitely been a great, great
50:52
show, and we can continue talking about this, which we're going to have
50:55
to do a part too, because there's so much more to unpack with all
51:00
of this. And I am grateful that you guys came on to talk about
51:06
the book, to talk about your experience, because it needed to be brought
51:10
to the forefront. So I thank you guys. I am so proud of
51:15
you guys. I am honored to be the publisher for your book. Now
51:21
listen, if y'all have not gotten the copy, go over to Amazon and
51:24
purchase You're just a Foster Parent because their stories will touch your heart and it
51:31
is a great gift to give because Christmas is coming up, so y'all'll get
51:36
you some extra copies and give them out as gifts as well, but as
51:40
always, and I'll know I love you, and I will never leave my
51:44
show without telling you to stay out of God's business, mind your business,
51:46
and do only things that he tells you to do. Be obedient to what
51:51
alls you to do, and stay out of his love. Y'all until next
51:54
time, good night, good night the Queen, the Pride not Go