Latest / The R4R Podcast: Road to Zero / Lili Mooney: From Anorexia to Half Marathon Champion

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Lili Mooney: From Anorexia to Half Marathon Champion · The R4R Podcast: Road to Zero

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At Lonsdale St Studio, we believe in the power of
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storytelling to connect people and create change.
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That's why we're proud to be the production partner for this
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Running for Resilience podcast. Welcome to the after our
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podcast. My name's Matt.
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I'm here with a new guest today, which we'll introduce shortly.
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But the idea behind this podcast is to share stories, talk about
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mental health and just champion whatever's going on in our
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community and keep it growing stronger.
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We believe that a suicide free Canberra is possible and we
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believe that a way to achieve that is to share stories, not
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just from myself, Benny and others who are familiar faces
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with the audience, but everyone from within the for our
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community. So we hope that we'll get many
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guests and many hosts, which we've got planned and it's
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exciting. But today we've got Lily our for
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our gift champion, I believe Batemans Bay half marathon
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champion. I'm.
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Very glad you mentioned that. We'll talk about it later
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because I think we're going to get into it pretty quickly.
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You have your fingerprints all over our for our in a way I
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don't think you saw coming. Definitely not, no.
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Yeah, the the newsletter we started maybe is 3-4 years ago.
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Yeah, 2021. And you were the second, you
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were the 2nd, and I was just having a read.
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Before, we didn't know where it was going to go.
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We just wanted to build familiarity within the
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community. But we asked you a question
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about the hardest moment in your life, and you shared something
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that kind of tilted us on a a good path.
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Yeah, well, I don't actually think.
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I don't know if we've ever spoken about why I chose to
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share that. I think I remember you messaging
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me with the questions and asking if I would like to take part in
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the in the survey or the get to know the runners.
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And of course I did. And I remember messaging you
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back saying, well, like, how deep do you want me to go here?
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Is this taking it a bit too far if I share this?
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And you said share whatever you feel comfortable with.
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And I thought, OK, let's go for it.
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And there were sort of two reasons why I did it.
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The first was because I. Firstly, what did you share?
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Well, I shared that I had suffered from an eating
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disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 15,
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and I was in and out of treatment till I was about 22.
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Yeah. And it obviously had a huge
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impact on my life and my family's life and continues, I
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guess, in a way to have an impact on my life.
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And it's not something I speak about all that often.
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Like people that know me, I don't hide from it, people that
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know me know that that's what happened and what I went
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through. But I never really spoke about
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it publicly. But when it when you asked me
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those questions, I thought the first reason was it kind of felt
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like I wasn't being super genuine if I didn't answer the
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way that I did. But the main reason was that
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when I was diagnosed with anorexia, I was 15, so obviously
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quite young. And that's also now 1516 years
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ago, so quite a long time. And I feel like mental illness
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in my circle anyway, we were all teenagers and it wasn't spoken
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about as much as it as it might be now.
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So when I was diagnosed, I was, I mean, there was a lot going
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on. I was obviously in denial, but I
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was ashamed and I was embarrassed because there are
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all those memes about mental health and being, you know, the
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psych ward patient. And that was my reality.
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Like I at some points I was in a locked psych ward and I felt
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really ashamed by that. And I thought that everyone
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else, you know, had their life perfectly together and I was the
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only one that was going through anything like bad.
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And as I got older, I realised that, you know, that's not the
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case. A lot of people have things
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going on. Doesn't have to be a mental
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illness, but most people at some point have a chapter in their
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life. That's not ideal, you know.
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And, but knowing that, I would still log on to social media and
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see people in my community, like my friends, people I went to
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school with and just think, oh, their life is so perfect like
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mine. Mine's not like that, so.
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When you remember thinking that, yeah.
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Yeah, yeah. And so and I, and I don't know
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if anyone has ever looked at me and thought that, but I thought
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when you asked me those questions, maybe there's someone
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in that community, in the after our community that has seen me
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at the runs and thought, wow, that girl, you know, she's got
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everything together. And they were ashamed by
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something they were going through or embarrassed or
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struggling and felt alone. And I thought if I can help one
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person by sharing my story and and showing that it's not all
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what it seems, then that's that's a win.
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And I actually never thought about the impact that it would
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have on other people feeling comfortable to share their
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stories. But that was a really cool sort
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of thing that unfolded the next few weeks and months with the
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meet the runners. Yeah, it was really cool to see
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people feeling comfortable to share their stories and just
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helping people say that it's, you know, you're not alone and
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everyone goes through things. Yeah.
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And now where we are exactly podcast or you just did that.
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I don't think many people can do that.
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So well done and we'll go. Thank you a bit deeper.
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I actually, I really struggle to say that I'm proud of myself a
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lot of the time, but I'm really proud of of that having that
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impact on running for resilience all those years ago.
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Yeah. Because, yeah, I think, as I
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said, I struggle saying that I'm proud of things I've done.
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But that was something that I, you know, when you and Ben
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reference it to this day, like it makes me feel really good
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that I've had that impact and helped in that way.
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Oh, yeah, I I get goosebumps from that.
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Now I know Benny articulates it pretty well.
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Where he goes shit. Somebody else has got something
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going on. Yeah.
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And I don't know if you've ever seen it in real life.
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Where people's shoulders relax when they see someone else going
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through something similar and they and they go, oh, thank God,
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I'm not alone. You said you felt ashamed and
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part of that is because you thought you were the only one
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that was going through what you were going through.
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Is that is that true? Like.
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That I thought I was the only one, or that I was ashamed.
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Well, that you're the only one. Yeah, I think, I mean,
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especially when I was first diagnosed, I was 15 and so I was
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quite young and quite new. Like I'd never experienced any
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mental health. I'd never been around that sort
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of environment. Like I think I had a very basic
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understanding. Like I didn't even really know.
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I didn't have a full understanding of what anorexia
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was. I was in denial for years about
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it and I didn't think that I would have that.
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And I like, you know, you get put in hospital or treatment and
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suddenly all these things are happening to you.
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And I just felt like a bit of a, like a train wreck.
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Like I just thought, how has, and I felt embarrassed that I've
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put this on my family, like my parents and my, I've got 2
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younger brothers. And I thought, you know, I just
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felt, yeah, ashamed of it. Do you remember the first time
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that you thought something was up?
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Like, I know you said you're in denial.
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Yeah. But.
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Well, the first time you had to push back on what people were
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telling you. I think the first time that I
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realised like within myself, that something probably wasn't
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right. So I started disordered eating,
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I guess when I was when I started high school and I
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started when I was like 11 1/2 or almost 12, so quite young.
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What does that look like? It was, it was subconscious,
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like I didn't realise that that's what I was doing.
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I had just sort of, I think, worked out that if I ate less, I
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felt better. And I think it wasn't like I was
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always a pretty normal kid. Like I was sporty and I wasn't
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overweight or big, and I'd never really seen myself as that.
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So it wasn't like I was trying to lose weight.
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I think I was just really stressed about starting high
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school. I mean, it seems silly now as an
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adult to be like you're not growing up when you start high
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school, but I was really. That's what it was at the.
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Time. Exactly.
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And that's all you can, you know, that's all you know, when
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you. That's all you know.
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And so at that point in my life, I was just stressed about all
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those changes, you know, you sort of going through puberty
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and as things happening. And I was very.
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Yeah, there's just a lot going on at that time.
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And so I had sort of worked out that if I ate less, I felt
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better. And I think at the same time,
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which kind of contradicts what I just said, there was obviously
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no social media at that point. But I the sort of it girls at
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that time were Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Britney Spears,
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and they were always in the front cover of magazines, which
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I would say, you know, I was in the shops with mom and they were
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all, it was all about their weight.
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They were all very thin. And that was the look that was
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in and the headlines were focusing on their weight.
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So I think I also, at the same time as not wanting to grow up,
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I was kind of like, oh, well, I'm growing up now and this is
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what women do when they grow up, they donate.
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So it was sort of a weird mix. But then throughout my sort of
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high schooling years, I sort of was in and out of heavy
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restriction, and then I would sort of pull myself out and eat
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a bit more. When you say heavy restriction
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like you're not eating much. Yeah, just really, really trying
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to limit what I ate and. Consciously at this time.
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I think as I got like a bit older I started to consciously
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be like the. Connecting the dots.
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Yeah, the guilt I would feel and I guess the anxiety I would feel
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would if I ate. So I would be like, what's
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better not to eat as much? And that was how.
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But I didn't know really. I didn't know what a calorie
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was. I didn't know what my
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understanding of a diet was like, you know, chocolate and
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ice cream, bad apples good. Like it wasn't, it wasn't as
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intense as it got. That was just sort of my very
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basic understanding and, and the way that I sort of went about
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those years. And I was also very into
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running. And so I think there was a big
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kind of focus on the fact that if I was running and I was doing
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relatively well, there couldn't be any issue going on with my
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eating. You said before we came in here,
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but when I told you not to use up all your gold, that you
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didn't have a traditional way of getting into, if there is such a
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thing of getting into an eating disorder, it sounds like you
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sort of fell into it. Yeah, over many years, yeah.
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And I think that was then sort of the harder thing about trying
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to fall or climb back out of it. It was like all I'd known for so
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many years. You built up.
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Yeah. And that's honestly what I
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struggle with today as well, is that I don't really remember a
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time where I didn't think a certain way about food which,
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you know. It is well, let's let's jump a
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few years, jump straight to that.
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When you say you struggle with it today, Yeah, how is it the
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same? But how is it, how is it
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different for you? Because obviously you, you look
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after yourself a lot better now. Yeah.
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So how are you? What's different?
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I would say, well, what's different is I, I, I can eat now
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and I know that I have to eat. I think I put a lot more thought
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into what I ate then maybe the average person.
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And I definitely have a lot more anxiety around food.
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I think those that spend a lot of time with me get sometimes
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very frustrated with my inability to choose things.
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But then also my very quickly, you know, snapping into that
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real hangry kind of vibe. We've all been there.
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Yeah. You know, you and you're hungry.
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Yeah. And it's always funny because
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it's like, I relearned this almost everyday that I suddenly
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eat something and then I'm like, oh, it's actually not that bad.
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You know, I can cope with everything.
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It looks like you're able to bring some humour into it as
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well. Do you think you you've
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comprehended what you've been through enough where you can
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laugh? No, I don't know, laugh at you
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like I certainly can with myself.
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Do you find the same? Yeah, well, sometimes if you
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don't laugh, you cry, so sometimes that's the best thing.
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I actually bumped into a nurse that used to look after me a lot
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in the paediatric ward a couple weeks ago and I hadn't seen her
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for years, obviously. And I, I'm the first to admit
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that I was a pain. Like I was a brat.
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I was, you know, a teenager and I was also going through a lot
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at the time. So I apologised to her and she
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said you don't need to apologise at all.
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You know, we knew that you were going through something
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incredibly difficult because obviously my anxiety was around
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food and I had to eat 6 times a day.
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So six times a day. I was like, you know, freaking
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out. And then.
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But it was actually, we had a really nice chat because it was,
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it was like sort of full circle, you know, we were able to laugh
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and yeah. And remember some of the more
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bizarre things I used to do. And it was really nice to see
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her and. Yeah.
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Well, yeah, what was that time like where you were in care?
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Interesting. Yeah, that's when I sort of get
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flashbacks now to when I was in that acute inpatient setting and
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just sometimes think surely that wasn't the same person because
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some of the things I used to do, which really bizarre, but I
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spent a lot of time in hospital. So I was first admitted when I
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was 15 to the paediatric ward, which was just a general
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paediatric ward, like it wasn't specialised for eating
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disorders. How does that happen?
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How do you get admitted? You go.
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Your parents are concerned. Yeah.
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So I started doing an outpatient day programme and that's when I
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was formally diagnosed at the start of 2010.
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So I was 15 and it was also the start of year 11.
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And so I think circling back to when I said I started
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restricting when I was starting high school, starting college or
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year 11, big change, big change. And I was someone that didn't
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really know what they wanted to do.
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I felt like everyone around me had plans for the future and
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what they want to do when they finish school and I didn't.
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So I was very stressed and I also, you know, there's a lot
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going on in in your life at that stage.
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You're getting older, things are happening.
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And I that's when I really just couldn't pull myself out of the
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heavy restriction. And my parents then noticed.
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Obviously, I mean, they'd noticed the entire time.
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They were always on my case about things, but they were like
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this is, this is. Going on too far, Yeah, It's
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like gradual, which is, I mean, yeah, that's hard to draw a
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line, but there was a point, yeah, where they said.
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Yeah, so they took me to a psychologist at the end of year
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10 and that was, you know, a complete waste of time.
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I think I said 10 words to her the entire 4 sessions we went
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in. I just sort of looked at my feet
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and shrugged. And so then she said, look, this
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is not, we're not getting anywhere here.
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And they got me involved with the aiding disorder programme,
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which is when I started the day programme.
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And that's when I started more like formal kind of, you know, I
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had to be weighed once a week. I had a meal plan.
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They were very strict on like no exercise.
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So I started doing all of that treatment for a couple of
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months, but my weight was just going down.
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And they had, I think, certain criteria for when you had to be
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admitted to hospital. And so when I met that criteria,
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I guess they were like, into hospital you go.
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Into hospital and then is it the normal hospital like the
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Canberra? Yeah, it was just Canberra
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Hospital, as I said, in the paediatric ward, which like, you
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know, is where I needed to be at the time, but it wasn't like a
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specialised thing. And I'm, that's what I guess
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where I feel the guilt is because I had, you know, all the
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nurses and, and all the other staff at the hospital just
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trying to do their job. And they had this very intense
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teenager that didn't want to be there and was, yeah, a pain who
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they had to sort of manage eating 6 times a day.
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And I was tube fed for a long time as well.
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And so, you know, I used to play around with that and they had to
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somehow manage that as well as all their other patients.
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How long were you there for? So that time I was there for
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quite a few months and then I came out and then I went back in
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and then I came out again, like I was in and out.
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And then I went up to Sydney to a clinic there called Northside
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Clinic, which is a specialised eating disorder floor in the
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clinic. And that was like I was one of
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the younger ones there because you had to be sort of 16 and
17:13
older to go to that clinic. So that was not the right place
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for me at the time, yeah. Do you remember your thinking at
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the time? Do you?
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I know you said you look back and go, oh, so bizarre.
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Yeah. But do you remember?
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Do you remember what you, what was going on inside your head?
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Like was there any sort of rational objective or no logical
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thought? I don't think so, no.
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I kept a diary for most of my days in in that period.
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Yeah. And it's quite interesting to go
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back and read it because it's just, yeah, I wasn't thinking
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straight at all. I didn't think I needed to be
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there. And that I think that's where a
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lot of my issues came because I didn't want to be there, but I
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didn't think I needed to be there.
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And I didn't think I thought everyone was being dramatic.
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There was, you know, nothing wrong with me.
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I I had that kind of unhealthy way of being, like I'm not thin
18:09
enough to be treated. For anorexia.
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Which I know now is you know. But that's what you thought at
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the time. Which is, I know that eating
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disorders like, I mean, you can look at the stats, like
18:22
obviously my weight and all that was was low.
18:24
So I did need to be there, but I didn't.
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Yeah, it was hard for me to see that.
18:28
Yeah, I think everyone in the moment of whatever struggle
18:32
they're going through sees it because you're right at the
18:35
coalface, right? Yeah.
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And it's hard to see the forest from the trees.
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Do you remember a moment where it shifted?
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Because you said that the way you got out of it was a little
18:44
bit different as well. Do you remember the moment it
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shifted or that first, first moment where you go, ah, maybe
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there's maybe I can do something about this or I want to do
18:58
something about this. I think it took quite a few
19:02
years because when you're in that kind of environment, it's
19:07
like everything revolves around what your next meal is.
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Have you ticked off? Like I used to have people come
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and like tick if I had my morning tea or cross if I
19:14
didn't. And I was being weighed 3 times
19:17
or two times a week and everything revolved around if I
19:20
had eaten and if what my weight was.
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And so people kept telling me that there's, you know, there's
19:26
a beautiful life out there for you to live and you're wasting
19:28
your life and you're wasting the best years of your life in
19:30
hospital. And you know, you'll look back
19:32
on this and regret it. And it's very hard when you're
19:35
in that mindset and in that environment to see how because
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from my perspective, you know, at this stage, I was 19, I
19:44
hadn't finished school, I hadn't got my licence.
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I pretty much lost contact with a lot of, you know, my friends.
19:52
I didn't have good relationships with my immediate family because
19:57
I was, you know, we were just constantly having World War
19:59
Three, like real time and. I didn't, you know, I just
20:04
couldn't see like what else there was for me because
20:06
everything I had to do to get to that normal life that all my
20:09
friends and peers were living just seemed like such a big ask
20:13
and. I didn't want to do as well.
20:15
It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, I just I couldn't see how
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I could do it because there was so many steps that I had to take
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to get even to like being remotely close to where I should
20:25
be as a 19 year old. Yeah.
20:27
Did you come across somebody else's story that helped you?
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I read so many stories and, you know, people were always giving
20:36
me stories or telling me about people.
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I think when I was in that really bad mindset, I was always
20:43
like, yeah, but they've got something to live for, and I
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don't they're, you know, they're good at this.
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They, they're pretty. They're whatever.
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Like, they're better people. And I just didn't think that I
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was any of that. So what was the point?
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Yeah, so did you. Who did you rest on?
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Like I mean family would have played a massive.
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Yeah, so my parents, like I always say, I wouldn't be here
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today without them. They went above and beyond what
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they, I mean, I don't know, I guess because they're my
21:11
parents, maybe they should. But like they would just, they
21:13
were just there every step of the way.
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Like we went through it all, like, you know, arguing, all the
21:18
emotions, crying, everything. And I, I feel bad now about
21:23
what, what I put them through, but I'm also so grateful for
21:26
them. And we had a really good
21:27
relationship now, but they were just there every step of the
21:30
way. My mom got me enrolled in the
21:35
vocational college at CIT because she was very big on
21:39
like, you need to finish school. And it wasn't an option for me
21:41
to go back to my old school because it was just too hard to
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go back and, you know, be in a younger year group.
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So she was very big on that. She used to drop me there and I
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only went once a week at the start, just one class.
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But that was sort of the beginning of of me being like,
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oh, there is more out there. That was the beginning.
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Yeah, and it was also, I would sit in a class when no one knew
22:03
me. So no one knew that I was Lily
22:05
with anorexia or I was the anorexic girl.
22:07
It was just like, this is Lily and no one needed to.
22:10
Like no one was asking what did you eat today or you know all
22:13
that. So it just kind of gave me a
22:14
break from my life and I used to love going to that.
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Just it was every Tuesday. Isn't that interesting?
22:22
Yeah, the change causes stress initially.
22:25
It did. I didn't want to.
22:26
Go change was almost your outlet.
22:29
Yeah, to to reverse it all as well.
22:32
Yeah Yeah, I could see you. Sorry if this is a bit of a hand
22:35
grenade. I could see you yet bit
22:37
emotional but in a good way about your parents.
22:41
Yeah, I think. Like he said, a lot of
22:44
gratitude. Yeah, I do.
22:46
And like my whole family, like my grandparents, my brothers, my
22:49
sister, they all, yeah, they all, we all went through it.
22:54
I think there was a really good quote from someone.
22:57
There was a very like, I think 60 minutes years ago, one of the
23:00
first interviews they did on someone with anorexia was this
23:02
young girl called Bronte. And her family sort of said
23:07
Bronte didn't have anorexia. The whole family had anorexia.
23:10
And I was like, it's so true. So unfortunately true.
23:15
You know, my poor younger brothers going through high
23:17
school and having to deal with my problems.
23:22
I feel very bad about that. But.
23:25
Do you, do you like, I know you feel bad, but are you also able
23:29
to kind of be kind to yourself as well?
23:32
I liked, yeah. I mean, I think that now the
23:35
relationship that I have with my brothers in particular, because
23:38
they're younger than me is really good.
23:41
Like they don't live in Canberra anymore, but we're still
23:43
incredibly close. And I wouldn't like, you know, I
23:46
love them so much and I'm so thankful for them and thankful
23:50
that we can, you know, we've moved past that phase and I
23:54
don't think I've ever actually told them, but they were a huge
23:56
part of me getting better. They don't know it.
24:01
So when I was a little bit old, I think I was 22 and my brother
24:08
was in year 12 and he was turning 18 and he was sort of,
24:10
you know, growing up. Doing what brothers are.
24:13
Doing yeah. And it was a weird feeling when
24:14
it's your younger brother as well.
24:16
And it's kind of like he's more advanced than me.
24:20
But I think just watching him go through that, like turning 18
24:25
and getting his licence and all of that kind of thing.
24:28
And I just thought, well, why can't I do that?
24:31
You know, he's living his life. There's no reason why I can't
24:34
either. And so it really like motivated
24:38
me to to keep going and I think, yeah, to keep pushing ahead and
24:44
keep moving in the right direction.
24:47
There's a couple things coming to my mind, and they're all,
24:50
they're all good things. It one, I think I spoke about it
24:54
with Benny in the first episodes, that resilience safety
24:58
net. Yeah.
24:59
You know, you had your family, friends.
25:00
Yeah. Your brothers, your
25:03
grandparents, your parents and they, they're there to help
25:06
catch you when you fall. But then you're also saying it's
25:13
the power of community as well as when you see others doing
25:15
well, you kind of want to join in.
25:17
Yeah. Kind of help drag you out.
25:19
Yeah. Of what you were going through.
25:22
When was the first time you felt normal?
25:27
Who do I ever feel normal? That's a good, I think that
25:31
philosophical, but you know, when I, I, I told it been like
25:35
there was a moment where I felt normal and it gave me hope that
25:40
I was going to that I wasn't going to be controlled by this
25:45
thing hanging in the back of my head and this like
25:48
uncontrollable fight or flight. That was just with me for three
25:52
months. I got a bit of normalcy for half
25:54
an hour and I was like, thank God, like I'm going to be OK.
25:58
Or at least in the moment. I thought that.
26:00
Did you, do you remember having that moment or did you have that
26:04
moment like that? I don't know if I remember like
26:06
a moment, a particular moment, but I guess there was a period
26:10
of time in when I was 22 and I'd sort of, I'd stopped any formal
26:17
sort of treatment. And so I was just living my
26:20
life. And that's honestly the what
26:24
helped me was taking the shift away from my eating disorder and
26:29
focusing on me as a person as not an illness and what I wanted
26:33
to do and not revolving my life around appointments and therapy
26:38
and, and you know, the. Coming of age of certain.
26:42
Yeah. So I think there was just a
26:44
period of time there where I had weight restored myself, which I
26:50
think is actually a pretty key point in recovery because as I
26:55
said before, you know you when you're hungry.
26:57
And I guess the reality was I've been hungry for 10 plus years.
27:01
And I remember the doctors always telling me that it takes
27:04
a little while once your weight restored for your brain to catch
27:07
up and to for things to seem a bit easier or clearer.
27:12
And I never believed that because I guess I would be like,
27:15
well, I was at a healthy weight then and everything still felt
27:18
the same. But in reality, I was at a
27:19
healthy weight for, you know, not very long in time before I
27:23
then lost weight again. So my brain, I guess, never had
27:26
a chance to catch up. But I had been weight restored
27:30
for a few months. I had deferred uni, so I just
27:35
didn't have that stress. And I was just working full time
27:40
and just sort of figuring out my next move.
27:43
But I remember just being like out for dinner with a friend one
27:47
night, and normally that would be a huge thing because.
27:51
It would just take up so much. Yeah, I would just not, well, I
27:55
would either not do it, I'd spend weeks stressing about it
27:58
or I just, you know, would lie about eating.
28:03
But I was there eating and I just thought this is so much
28:07
simpler than it has been. And that's when it kind of
28:11
clicked to me. I was like, I need to go back to
28:12
uni, I need to. Felt like you were ready.
28:15
Yeah, like, and it was just life was a lot, a lot easier to cope
28:19
with when I wasn't hungry, I guess.
28:23
Yeah, yeah. Bit of a thought of experiment.
28:28
That girl who was shrugging her shoulders in the psychology room
28:32
or that girl that was fiddling with the chords or whatever in
28:36
the in the paediatric ward. If you could walk into the room
28:40
and see her, what would you like?
28:44
Would you say any? Like, could you say anything?
28:47
What would you do? Or would you just sit there and
28:50
just be there? I think what would I do?
28:54
I think I'd first of all give her a big hug.
28:55
Yeah. And I would say like, you are
29:00
enough. Like you don't.
29:03
Just being you is enough. And you don't have to make
29:08
yourself seem better or, you know, just being you is enough.
29:14
And then I think I would just sit there for a while.
29:18
Yeah. And not that I ever felt alone,
29:21
because as I said, I had my parents there, but.
29:25
You were on your own, in your own struggle.
29:27
Yeah. Yeah, because at least you felt
29:28
that way. Yeah, yeah.
29:29
And I, I appreciate that if you have never had an eating
29:34
disorder or disordered eating, it is a very bizarre thing to
29:37
try and wrap your head around. Yeah.
29:39
Like my poor grandparents. I think my granddad in
29:42
particular love him to bits. Yeah.
29:45
And he's done so well. But I can imagine how
29:47
frustrating it was for him to sit there and see this very.
29:51
Why won't she eat? Yeah, Slim girl just refusing to
29:54
eat like it just didn't. It doesn't make sense.
29:56
Yeah. And yeah, it's very hard, I
30:00
guess, for other people who haven't been in that position to
30:03
sort of understand the the anxiety and the the guilt that
30:08
everything's. Yeah.
30:09
And what drives that very bizarre behaviour?
30:11
I think that's key. It's like if you haven't been
30:13
through something, you don't know what the other person's
30:15
going through. And I certainly judge mental
30:18
health differently, even after my dad's passing until, you
30:22
know, I went through my own. I was like, oh, man, this.
30:25
I have, like, a lot more sympathy and empathy for my dad
30:29
now because of what I've been through, you know, And I can
30:34
only imagine what, yeah, your family would have gone through.
30:39
You walk out of the room after being with yourself for a bit.
30:44
You see your parents in the hallway.
30:46
What would you tell them? Anything.
30:48
What would you tell them? I'm a I'm a big crier, so I
30:51
probably would cry just because it like it is emotional.
30:56
Of course, thinking back to some of those like dark days and just
31:01
the helplessness that they must have felt just seeing their
31:06
daughter. I mean, I probably didn't even
31:09
seem like their daughter anymore.
31:11
Dad used to call me a zombie because I would just, I remember
31:13
I would just sit in the family room at home and I would just be
31:16
listening to their conversations.
31:17
But I just couldn't be bothered contributing because it took too
31:20
much energy. And I would just sit there and
31:21
he'd be like, you're a zombie, like you're not doing anything.
31:25
And it would be so hard for them to just watch that.
31:30
And I guess frustrating at the same time because they just want
31:32
me to be better. And it's, it seems so simple of
31:34
what I had to do. But I, I think I would just give
31:38
them a hug and thank them. Yeah.
31:41
There's a bit of, it's like frustrating, isn't it, that
31:46
there's no quick fix for something like that.
31:48
It's a lot of enduring and patience and.
31:50
Support. Yeah, and I guess trust.
31:54
And also, like, it's a hard one because I think with other,
31:58
because it is like an addiction, but with other addictions, you
32:02
know, you can live without the substance, but you can't live
32:06
without food. Yeah.
32:07
So six times a day, I was having to face that, and it makes it
32:13
tricky, yeah, because the reality is you have to have
32:15
food. So I had to eat to get over it.
32:18
But that was also what was causing me so much stress.
32:22
I'm very impressed with how you're talking about this.
32:26
Thank you. And I can see why you're proud
32:30
of how you've tilted off for a in a certain way.
32:35
I can see how you should be proud of how you're talking
32:37
about this now. How has it made you a better
32:43
person like you? Your family's.
32:46
You said you've got a great relationship with your family
32:48
now you seem to be doing comprehending it really well.
32:56
Yeah. How How are you better for it?
32:58
Or are you better for it? Or what's?
33:00
That's a tricky one. Why?
33:03
I think it depends on the day because OK, I like, I Sometimes
33:08
I'm, I get really frustrated by how long it took me to get to
33:13
this point. And I think back to, you know,
33:16
years where I maybe didn't put in as much effort as I could
33:21
have to getting to this point. But the reality is like, that's
33:25
what happened. Youth is wasted on the young.
33:28
Yeah, exactly. I think when I have those
33:30
moments, you know, it's when I'm in a crisis about being in my
33:33
30s. Yeah, Yeah.
33:34
And I think we wasted half your 20s.
33:39
I don't know if it's made me a better person.
33:41
I think it's made me more, well, actually it's probably or has
33:46
made me more resilient because I think back to the places that I
33:51
was in and the, you know, the deep holes that I sort of dug
33:55
myself in and and I managed to get out of them.
33:57
So if I think now to other things that I will probably face
34:01
in the future, I can sort of lean back on that.
34:04
Not necessarily, you know, tools because it's probably a
34:08
different situation, but just the fact that I did get through
34:11
it is probably enough to. Yeah, a bit of evidence in your
34:15
back pocket. Yeah, Yeah.
34:17
And it can be used for good things like the Batemans Bay
34:21
Half Marathon. Yes.
34:23
Seriously though, because I'll give you an example of when I
34:27
ran my first marathon, I was telling myself it'll get hard,
34:33
but I'll be ready. Like that was kind of my mantra.
34:36
Running is like, I know it's going to get hard, but I'll I'll
34:39
be ready. I'll push through.
34:40
Do you like, how does your previous struggle with eating
34:44
disorders and your endurance to get through it, but then you're
34:48
overcoming as well? How do you see that in your
34:51
everyday life now? Well, I think.
34:54
Or even in Batemans Bay. Heart marathon.
34:56
I'm incredibly stubborn, yeah. So I think that that probably
35:02
helps if I, I like to, you know, stick to what I'm going to do.
35:08
It's funny that you mentioned the Batemans Bay Half Marathon
35:11
because I don't know if you know that.
35:12
I did it last year as well. Are you You're 2 back to back
35:15
champion. Not quite.
35:16
I was running in first place. Yeah, at 19 K yeah.
35:21
Don't know what happened, like completely passed out.
35:24
It was a really hot day. You were going really hard it.
35:26
Was a heat stroke, Yeah. So I think I remember you.
35:29
Telling me, yeah, yeah. So I had a little bit of extra
35:31
motivation this year to redeem myself.
35:33
To not pass. Out to not pass out, get to the
35:35
finish line standing. Yeah, but I think I'm just like,
35:42
I don't I sometimes don't know if my drive for running is
35:46
because I do have that sort of exercise push in my head.
35:51
Yeah. From the eating disorder days or
35:54
actually more just probably I've I've always loved exercise, but
35:57
that definitely did play a part of it.
36:00
Well, it is. It's interesting because we
36:01
spoke about how change caused stress.
36:04
Yeah, but then change was also really good for you getting into
36:07
the finishing your year 12 certificate.
36:10
And then you go, OK, exercise and stubbornness would have been
36:16
not great during the hard times, but now you're leveraging, I
36:22
guess let's call them predispositions like
36:24
stubbornness. I know I'm stubborn.
36:27
It can be a good thing. Definitely.
36:30
And you know, I obviously I love running and I did love running
36:33
before I got, you know, really unwell.
36:36
And then there was a long period of time where I never wanted to
36:38
run again because it's sort of brought back a lot of bad
36:41
memories. And I don't think running is
36:43
what caused me to get unwell, but it definitely wasn't very
36:46
pleasant there for a while, you know, when I was using it as a
36:49
tool to sort of cope with my guilt.
36:54
But now I do think that it is, I have, you know, a very healthy
36:58
relationship with it. And it's, I do it because it
37:01
makes me feel good, you know, mentally it's a.
37:05
Different association. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:07
And I remember the first fun run that I did when I got back into
37:12
running and I started running because of the stress of uni in
37:15
my final year. And it just, it just felt good.
37:18
And then I saw that there was a 5K fun run coming up for
37:21
Lifeline. And I really wanted to do it
37:24
because Lifeline, I've personally used it, but I also
37:29
have had friends or people I went through treatment with who
37:33
unfortunately took their own lives.
37:34
So it's very close to my heart. So I wanted to, you know, take
37:39
part in that fun run. So Mom and I did it together and
37:43
the feeling that I got finishing that 5K.
37:47
Euphoric. Yeah, yeah, it was incredible.
37:49
Like I, I just felt on top of the world.
37:51
And I thought, this is the feeling that I used to get
37:53
before running turned sour for me.
37:55
And and then we started park running and you know.
37:59
Yeah. What 8 years later with?
38:01
I get, I get goosebumps again because I mean, I imagine that
38:04
run would have been quite symbolic.
38:06
Yeah. Yeah, you know, almost like a
38:09
new chapter. Yeah, chapter from, from so many
38:12
perspectives, it was, you know, the fact that I was running, I
38:16
was able to run first of all, physically and that I could do
38:19
it in a way that was sustainable and healthy.
38:22
The fact that mom, bless her, like came with me and did it
38:25
with me. And you know, it's for a good
38:27
cause. And it was a good good vibes and
38:29
good community and just all of that combined, I just felt like
38:33
this is, yeah, the best feeling. Calling Lifeline, I know there's
38:40
always, there's definitely somebody who'll be listening to
38:42
this that might be scared. Yeah.
38:46
To reach for help. I, I certainly like you, I've
38:50
followed a different path in my own journey.
38:52
Like I feel like I've been quite lucky in that I've been able to
38:56
internalise in a healthy way and come up with like good
38:58
conclusions and because I've never really asked for help and
39:02
I asked. It's hard to ask for help
39:04
sometimes. Especially if you don't know
39:05
what's going on in your head or if you're scared about the
39:08
person, for lack of a better term, turning around and saying,
39:12
yeah, you're, you're messed up. Yeah.
39:15
And it's, I think that's what scared me before I spoke to
39:17
people. Do you remember what the moment
39:21
you decided to call them? Yes, I was.
39:25
Yeah, I was just by myself. I was really upset.
39:29
Well, yeah, I was in a very bad place for a whole range of
39:35
reasons. I think that I'd had a big fight
39:37
with mom and dad about dinner and this is when I did have my
39:41
licence. So I just taken off and I just,
39:47
I just didn't. I was like, I can't do this
39:50
anymore. It's been years and I couldn't
39:53
see how because we were just having these same fights and
39:56
there was, it was almost like Groundhog Day for me because
39:58
every day was just the same over and over again.
40:01
I just couldn't. It was chipping away.
40:03
Yeah, but it was. And in that moment, because I
40:08
was so alone, like physically and mentally, because I was
40:10
like, no one understands this. No one understands what I'm
40:14
going through and it was just having that conversation with
40:19
someone and it was almost like a distraction because they just
40:22
were asking me what was going on.
40:24
Yeah. And what was here in the
40:26
ringtone? Like, like you, you dial, you
40:29
dial the number. Yeah.
40:31
And you don't like obviously there's something in you that
40:35
wants to feel better. What are you thinking when you
40:40
what's what's going through your mind?
40:43
Well, I think there was part of me that I guess the negative
40:48
part of my brain was like, why are you being so dramatic?
40:51
Yeah, why are you? You're being critical of.
40:54
Yourself yeah like why you know just get on with it like and
41:00
then the other part of my brain was like I.
41:02
Need some? I just, I just need someone here
41:05
to talk to and I, I always have this thing, I guess when I'm
41:09
really upset is I don't want to worry other people.
41:11
So I feel like even now I do it like if I send a message or I
41:14
talk to someone, I'll always end it with, but I'm fine.
41:16
Yeah, yeah. I don't want other people to get
41:18
worried about me. I.
41:19
Don't think you're alone there. Yeah, nobody wants to be a
41:22
burden. Yeah, yeah.
41:24
So all the I feel. Like a burden.
41:25
Yeah, so I guess, you know, I'm very fortunate that I live right
41:29
near, I lived right near my grandparents so and I was very I
41:32
am very close with them. And so I could have gone around
41:34
to their place, but I just, I didn't want to because I didn't
41:39
want to burden them with, you know, another episode of Lily
41:43
and mom and dad having a fight over food for, like, what, the
41:46
ninth year in a row? And so I just felt, yeah, just
41:51
alone. But I just needed someone.
41:54
And then after the call, how do you feel?
42:01
I mean, obviously there was still.
42:03
You still would have been upset. Yeah.
42:05
I was still upset because there was still things that I had to
42:07
go back home and face, and I was still like, I've got to get up
42:10
and do this all tomorrow. But I think it just took me out
42:15
of that acute, like, I can't do this.
42:19
It got me through that stage and it kind of just got me back up
42:22
to the level of OK, We're like, you know, this is hard.
42:26
Yeah, we've got. Gave you a boost.
42:29
Yeah, it just gave me a boost and that was enough to get me
42:32
through that, that particular moment.
42:34
And then I remember I just sat by myself for a bit in the car
42:36
and then eventually I came home and my parents were always so
42:42
well, are always so forgiving. And I can't remember exactly
42:47
what happened after that, but I guarantee they would have just
42:50
given me a hug and. Yeah, yeah, that's a you got
42:54
good parents, it sounds like. I can see why you've become such
43:00
a big part of Afar. You've obviously got your
43:03
personal stuff and then you said that you had friends that you've
43:07
lost as well or people that you've come across.
43:11
When you first came across Afar, was it just another running
43:17
group or was it the story and both?
43:20
Both are finances, but what was your introduction to AFRA?
43:24
Well, Ben, because I knew Ben from Park Run and he was sort of
43:27
saying you should come along. And then I think it might, may
43:31
have stopped for a few weeks with that first COVID, COVID,
43:33
yeah. But then when it started back up
43:35
again, I think in May, from memory, that's when I started
43:39
coming. And there were like, it was two
43:41
things I, I was really getting into, like joining running
43:44
groups again because I had always run alone and I didn't
43:46
want to run with other people. But then through doing back run
43:50
and meeting people, I was really, I was really loving
43:52
running in groups. And the second one was, yeah,
43:57
I'm very passionate about promoting positive mental
44:00
health. And like, now for my life at the
44:04
moment, obviously I'm not needing like a cute treatment or
44:08
therapy, but everyone still has those days where you're like,
44:11
just, you know, I can't, you know, it's just been one of
44:14
those weeks or there's a few things going on.
44:16
And that's what I love, isn't it?
44:17
Exactly. Yeah.
44:18
And running for resilience is great for that because it's just
44:20
what that that boost that I need with the community and seeing
44:24
other people. I think you referenced it in
44:27
your podcast, but just getting out of your own head.
44:29
And that's what I love about it. I think that's one of the.
44:32
It's certainly helped my own, yeah.
44:35
Is that summing it up in those words, just getting out of your
44:38
head? It's so perfectly described
44:42
because sometimes you are just in your head and you just need
44:45
to be somewhere else for a moment, whether it be playing
44:48
footy, whether it be watching ATV show, talking to some.
44:51
It's just like just to reset your thinking.
44:54
Yeah. And into the evening with a
44:56
different perspective. And you always leave so much
45:01
like I always leave in such a good mood when I'm driving out
45:03
of that car park in Kingston. Why do you think that is?
45:06
I think it's just because, you know, sometimes I'll finish work
45:09
and I could be like, you know, especially in winter, it's cold
45:12
and dark and windy and I thought, oh, you know, I can
45:14
just run from home or I can run from work and get it done.
45:19
But you always, I always feel so much better when I leave because
45:22
I've I've talked to people, I've even if I haven't spoken to
45:26
heaps of people, it's just being around other people and having
45:29
that circuit breaker for whatever was playing on my mind.
45:33
It just distracts me from it and I think that, yeah, that's what
45:38
that's the best thing. It is.
45:43
I know before we started this podcast, you were very
45:47
conscious. I wouldn't say worried or
45:49
anything. You were very conscious that you
45:51
wanted to talk about your own story, but not from a talking on
45:57
behalf of other people. Yeah.
46:02
What would you say to the broader audience who might
46:06
someone might be experiencing something similar to what you've
46:08
gone through? Where do you think they can go?
46:13
I know you kind of touched on it, but before we started
46:16
talking. Yeah, so the Butterfly
46:19
Foundation has great resources and support networks that you
46:23
can join. I would also recommend like
46:26
speaking to your GP or you know, family or friends that you trust
46:31
because getting help is the most important thing and everyone
46:35
deserves that help. I think it's very common to
46:39
think that you are not sick enough or you don't, you know,
46:42
it's not that bad. But the reality is that it's not
46:46
going to go away. It's unlikely to go away unless
46:49
you sort of get some resources and support.
46:53
And the earlier you get on to it, the less like ingrained some
46:58
of those thoughts and behaviours will become.
47:00
So that's my tip is get onto it. And you said sometimes people
47:07
need to find their own their own way through because we spoke
47:11
about it. Butterfly Foundation, fantastic.
47:14
There's all these other organisations in different parts
47:16
of mental health that are fantastic and it's no buts it's
47:20
they are fantastic. Sometimes people won't resonate
47:26
with their messaging and they might need to go look elsewhere
47:29
for help. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
47:32
So I did every kind of treatment.
47:35
I think I did individual, I did inpatient, I did outpatient.
47:38
We did family therapy for a bit and they're all good.
47:42
They can definitely help. But you have to like you have to
47:47
everyone. You have to be in the right mind
47:49
set for that help. You got to be ready.
47:51
Yeah, and So what I found, I just wasn't ready.
47:54
But what I did find really helped me was just finding my
47:57
life outside of the eating disorder and becoming me again.
48:01
Not, you know, Lily with anorexia.
48:04
Yeah, I always, I mean, I think we're getting close to the end
48:10
of the podcast, which is we're not wrapping you up.
48:12
Don't worry. Whenever I ended a talk or like
48:18
whatever, I always like to talk to one person.
48:20
And it was always, I don't need to know you to know that you're
48:24
going through something that's real, that you know, I believe
48:28
in your ability to overcome it. Do you have a message for anyone
48:35
of that ilk that you know, I'll give you one.
48:38
When I was going through the hardest part of my life of all
48:41
people, it was Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
48:44
I saw a video of him and he said I needed somebody in that time
48:48
to tell me that it would be OK. And I remember that resonating
48:51
with me like so much. I was, regardless of who he is,
48:55
it just resonated with me heaps. And so whenever I got a
49:01
platform, so to say, it was, I just wanted to give somebody a
49:04
chance to resonate with something.
49:07
Do you have anything that resonated with you at that time
49:10
or I know you mentioned Brooke from 60 Minutes, but do you have
49:16
anything you want to say to someone who might be going
49:18
through something hard? Yes, you can do it.
49:27
There is, you know there's going to be all these obstacles, but
49:32
that doesn't mean that you can't do it.
49:34
You just have to keep fighting and pushing and eventually
49:38
things will start falling into place and it's worth it.
49:41
It's. Worth it?
49:42
Yeah. Lily, you've been great on this.
49:46
And I don't want to set a precedent that if I don't say
49:49
this someone hasn't been great, but it's kind of fun.
49:53
I think you'd be really good at interviewing somebody else.
49:56
Do you have any anyone out there that would we could throw under
49:59
the ether and see what happens that you'd like to interview?
50:03
Anyone in the world? Anyone in the world?
50:05
Kim Kardashian. Kim Kimi K We can.
50:09
Make that I'm sure. She's listening.
50:10
If we can make it happen, we'll make it happen.
50:12
Yeah. Lily, thank you.
50:14
Thank you so much. Honestly.
50:15
Awesome. Well done.
50:16
Thank you.