Latest / Daily Classic Science Fiction Books / 05 - The Flying Inn - GK Chesterton

Transcript

05 - The Flying Inn - GK Chesterton · Daily Classic Science Fiction Books

0:00
Speaker 1: Chapter five, The Astonishment of the Agents. Lord Ivywood shared
0:10
Speaker 1: the mental weakness of most men who have fed on books.
0:16
Speaker 1: He ignored not the value, but the very existence of
0:21
Speaker 1: other forms of information. Thus, Humphrey Pump was perfectly aware
0:27
Speaker 1: that Lord Ivywood considered him an ignorant man who carried
0:31
Speaker 1: a volume of Pickwick and could not be got to
0:34
Speaker 1: read any other book. But Lord Ivywood was quite unaware
0:42
Speaker 1: that Humphrey never looked at him without thinking that he
0:46
Speaker 1: could be most successfully hidden in a wood of small beaches,
0:51
Speaker 1: as his gray brown hair and sallow ashen face exactly
0:58
Speaker 1: reproduced the three predominant tints of such a Sylvan twilight.
1:06
Speaker 1: Mister pomp I fear had sometimes partaken of partridge or
1:12
Speaker 1: pheasants in his early youth, under circumstances in which Lord
1:16
Speaker 1: Ivywood was not only unconscious of the hospitality he was dispensing,
1:21
Speaker 1: but would have sworn that it was physically impossible for
1:24
Speaker 1: anyone to elude the vigilance of his efficient system of gamekeeping.
1:31
Speaker 1: But it is very unwise in one who counts himself
1:35
Speaker 1: superior to physical things to talk about physical impossibility. Lord
1:44
Speaker 1: Ivywood was in error. Therefore, when he said that the
1:49
Speaker 1: fugitives could not possibly escape in modern England. You can
1:55
Speaker 1: do a great many things in modern England if you
1:58
Speaker 1: have noticed some things in fact which others know by
2:03
Speaker 1: pictures or current speech. If you know, for instance, that
2:08
Speaker 1: most roadside hedges are taller and denser than they look,
2:15
Speaker 1: and that even the largest man lying just behind them
2:19
Speaker 1: takes up far less room than you would suppose. If
2:25
Speaker 1: you know that many natural sounds are much more like
2:30
Speaker 1: each other than the enlightened ear can believe, as in
2:35
Speaker 1: the case of wind in leaves and of the sea.
2:40
Speaker 1: If you know that it is easier to walk in
2:42
Speaker 1: socks than in boots. If you know how to take
2:45
Speaker 1: hold of the ground. If you know that the proportion
2:50
Speaker 1: of dogs who will bite a man under any circumstances
2:54
Speaker 1: is rather less than the proportion of men who will
2:57
Speaker 1: murder you in a railway carriage. If you know that
3:03
Speaker 1: you need not be drowned even in a river, unless
3:06
Speaker 1: the tide is very strong, and unless you practice putting
3:11
Speaker 1: yourself into the special attitudes of a suicide. If you
3:17
Speaker 1: know that country stations have objectless extra waiting rooms that
3:23
Speaker 1: nobody ever goes into. And if you know that country
3:28
Speaker 1: folk will forget you if you speak to them, but
3:32
Speaker 1: talk about you all day if you don't. By the
3:38
Speaker 1: exercise of these and other arts and sciences, Humphrey pomp
3:43
Speaker 1: was able to guide his friend across country, mostly in
3:48
Speaker 1: the character of trespasser, and occasionally in that of something
3:53
Speaker 1: like housebreaker, and eventually with sign keg cheese and all
4:01
Speaker 1: to step out of a black pinewood onto a white
4:05
Speaker 1: road in a part of the country where they would
4:09
Speaker 1: not be sought for the presence. Opposite them was a cornfield,
4:15
Speaker 1: and on their right, in the shades of the pine trees,
4:20
Speaker 1: a cottage, a very tumble down cottage that seemed to
4:24
Speaker 1: have collapsed under its own thatch. The red haired irishman's
4:30
Speaker 1: face wore a curious smile. He stuck the ensign erect
4:36
Speaker 1: in the road, and went and hammered on the door.
4:41
Speaker 1: It was opened tremulously by an old man with a
4:46
Speaker 1: face so wrinkled that the wrinkles seemed more distinctly graven
4:54
Speaker 1: than the features themselves, which seemed lost in the labyrinth
4:59
Speaker 1: of them. He might have crawled out of the hole
5:04
Speaker 1: in a gnarled tree, and he might have been a
5:08
Speaker 1: thousand years old. He did not seem to notice the signboard,
5:15
Speaker 1: which stood rather to the left of the door, and
5:19
Speaker 1: what life remained in his eyes seemed to awake in
5:23
Speaker 1: wonder at Dolroy's stature and strange uniform, and the sword
5:30
Speaker 1: at his side. I beg your pardon, said the captain courteously.
5:36
Speaker 1: I fear my uniform startles you. It is Lord Ivywood's livery.
5:42
Speaker 1: All his servants are to dressed like this. In fact,
5:45
Speaker 1: I understand the tenants also, and even yourself. Perhaps excuse
5:50
Speaker 1: my sword. Lord Ivywood is very particular that every man
5:55
Speaker 1: should have a sword, you know, his beautiful way of
6:00
Speaker 1: putting his views. How can we profess, he was saying
6:05
Speaker 1: to me yesterday while I was brushing his trousers. How
6:10
Speaker 1: can we profess that all me and her brothers while
6:14
Speaker 1: we refuse to them the symbol of manhood? Or with
6:19
Speaker 1: what assurance can we claim it as a movement of
6:23
Speaker 1: modern emancipation to deny the citizen that which has in
6:27
Speaker 1: all ages marked the difference between the freeman and the slave.
6:33
Speaker 1: Nor need we anticipate any such barbaric abuses, as my
6:39
Speaker 1: honorable friend, who is cleaning the knives, as prophesied for
6:43
Speaker 1: this gift is a sublime act of confidence in your
6:47
Speaker 1: universal passion for the severe splendors of peace. And he
6:52
Speaker 1: that has the right to strike is he who has
6:55
Speaker 1: learnt to spare all this nonsense with extreme rapidity and
7:03
Speaker 1: vast oratorical flourishes of the hand. Captain Delroy proceeded to
7:08
Speaker 1: trundle both the big cheese and the cask of rum
7:11
Speaker 1: into the house of the astonished cottager, mister Pump, following
7:17
Speaker 1: with a grim placid tea and his gun under his arm.
7:23
Speaker 1: Lord Ivywood, said Dolroy, setting the rum cask with a
7:27
Speaker 1: bump on the plain deal table, wishes to take wine
7:33
Speaker 1: with you, or more strictly speaking, rum. Don't you run away,
7:39
Speaker 1: my friend, with any of these stories about Lord Ivywood
7:42
Speaker 1: being opposed to drink three bottle Ivywood we call him
7:47
Speaker 1: in the kitchen, but it must be rum, nothing but
7:51
Speaker 1: rum for the ivy Woods. Wine may be a mocker,
7:55
Speaker 1: he was saying the other day, and I particularly noted
7:58
Speaker 1: the phrasing, which seemed to be very happy even for
8:01
Speaker 1: his lordship. He was standing at the top of the steps,
8:05
Speaker 1: and I stopped cleaning them to make a note of it.
8:09
Speaker 1: Wine may be a mocker. Strong drink may be raging,
8:13
Speaker 1: But nowhere in the sacred pages will you find one
8:17
Speaker 1: word of censure of the sweeter spirit sacred to them
8:21
Speaker 1: that go down to the sea in ships. No tongue
8:25
Speaker 1: of priest and prophet has ever lifted to break the
8:29
Speaker 1: sacred silence of holy writ about rum. He then explained
8:36
Speaker 1: to me, went on Dolroy, signing to Pump to tap
8:40
Speaker 1: the cask. According to his own technical secret, that the
8:45
Speaker 1: great tip for avoiding any bad results that a bottle
8:49
Speaker 1: or two of rum might have on young and inexperienced
8:52
Speaker 1: people was to eat cheese with it, particularly this kind
8:56
Speaker 1: of cheese that I have here. I forgot its name, cheddar,
9:03
Speaker 1: said Pump, quite gravely. But mind you, continued the captain,
9:10
Speaker 1: almost ferociously, shaking his big finger in warning at the
9:15
Speaker 1: aged man. Mind you, no bread with the cheese. All
9:19
Speaker 1: the devastating ruin wrought by cheese and the once happy
9:24
Speaker 1: homes of this country has been due to the reckless
9:29
Speaker 1: and insane experiment of eating bread with it. You'll get
9:34
Speaker 1: no bread from me, my friend. Indeed, Lord Ivywood has
9:39
Speaker 1: given directions that the allusion to this ignorant and depraved
9:44
Speaker 1: habit shall be eliminated from the Lord's prayer. Have a drink.
9:51
Speaker 1: He had already poured out a little of the spirit
9:54
Speaker 1: into two thick tumblers and a broken teacup, which he
9:59
Speaker 1: had induced the age man to produce, and now solemnly
10:05
Speaker 1: pledged him. Thank ye, kindly, sir, said the old man,
10:10
Speaker 1: using his cracked voice for the first time. Then he drank,
10:17
Speaker 1: and his old face changed, as if it were an
10:21
Speaker 1: old horn lantern in which the flame began to rise. Are,
10:31
Speaker 1: he said, my son, he be a sailor. I wish
10:36
Speaker 1: him a happy voyage, said the captain, And I'll sing
10:40
Speaker 1: you a song about the first sailor there ever was
10:43
Speaker 1: in the world, and who, as Lord Ivywood acutely observes,
10:49
Speaker 1: lived before the time of rum. He sat down on
10:54
Speaker 1: a wooden chair and lifted his loud voice, once more,
10:58
Speaker 1: beating on the table with the broken teacup. Oh noah,
11:03
Speaker 1: he had an ostrich farm and fowls on the greatest scale.
11:08
Speaker 1: He ate his egg with a ladle in an egg
11:11
Speaker 1: cup big as a pail, and the soup he took
11:15
Speaker 1: was elephant soup, and the fish he took was whale.
11:20
Speaker 1: But they all were small to the cellar he took
11:23
Speaker 1: when he set out to sail. And Noah, he often
11:27
Speaker 1: said to his wife when he sat down to dine.
11:32
Speaker 1: I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't
11:35
Speaker 1: get into the wine. The catter racked of the cliff
11:40
Speaker 1: of Heaven fell, blinding off the brink, as if it
11:45
Speaker 1: would wash the stars away. As SuDS go down a sink.
11:50
Speaker 1: The seven heavens came roaring down for the throats of
11:53
Speaker 1: hell to drink. And Noah, he cocked his eye and said,
11:58
Speaker 1: it looks like rain. I think the water has drowned
12:03
Speaker 1: the matter horn as deep as a min dip wine.
12:07
Speaker 1: And I don't care where the water goes if it
12:10
Speaker 1: doesn't get into the wine. But Noah, he sinned, and
12:16
Speaker 1: we have sinned on tipsy feet. We trod till a great,
12:20
Speaker 1: big black teetotaler was sent to us for a rod.
12:26
Speaker 1: And you can't get wine at a psa or chapel
12:30
Speaker 1: or icet at fod, for the curse of water has
12:34
Speaker 1: come again because of the wrath of God. And water
12:39
Speaker 1: is on the bishop's board and the higher thinker's shrine.
12:44
Speaker 1: But I don't care where the water goes if it
12:47
Speaker 1: doesn't get into the wine. Lord Abby Wood's favorite song,
12:53
Speaker 1: concluded mister Patrick Dolroy drinking, sing us a song yourself. Rather,
13:02
Speaker 1: to the surprise of the two humorousts, the old gentleman
13:05
Speaker 1: actually began, in a quavering voice to Chance she George
13:13
Speaker 1: that lives in London Town. I hope they will defend
13:16
Speaker 1: this crown and bony part. Be quite the down on
13:19
Speaker 1: Christmas Day in the morning, old squire is gone to
13:24
Speaker 1: the meet today all in his It is perhaps fortunate
13:30
Speaker 1: for the rapidity of this narrative that the old Gentleman's
13:34
Speaker 1: favorite song, which consists of forty seven verses, was interrupted
13:41
Speaker 1: by a curious incident. The door of the cottage opened,
13:46
Speaker 1: and a sheepish looking man in corduroys stood silently in
13:50
Speaker 1: the room for a few seconds, and then said, without
13:54
Speaker 1: preface or further explanation, for ale, I beg your pardon,
14:01
Speaker 1: inquired the polite captain. Four a l said the man
14:08
Speaker 1: with solidity, then, catching sight of Humphrey, seemed to find
14:13
Speaker 1: a few more words in his vocabulary. Morning. Mister Pump
14:19
Speaker 1: didn't know as how you'd moved the old ship, mister Pump,
14:24
Speaker 1: with a twist of a smile pointed to the old
14:27
Speaker 1: man whose song had been interrupted, mister Mames, seeing after
14:34
Speaker 1: it now, mister Galp said, pump with the strict etiquette
14:40
Speaker 1: of the countryside. But he has got nothing but this
14:44
Speaker 1: rum in the stock as yet bettered out, said the
14:51
Speaker 1: laconic mister Galp, and put down some money in front
14:56
Speaker 1: of the aged Mame, who eyed it wonderingly. As he
15:01
Speaker 1: was turning with a farewell and wiping his mouth with
15:04
Speaker 1: the back of his hand. The door once more moved,
15:08
Speaker 1: letting in white sunlight, and a man in a red neckerchief, mourning,
15:15
Speaker 1: mister Maime, mourning, mister Pump, mourning, mister Gow, said the
15:19
Speaker 1: man in the red neckerchief, mourning. Mister Coot said. The
15:24
Speaker 1: other three, one after the other, have some rum, mister
15:29
Speaker 1: Coot asked, Humphrey Pump, genially, that's all mister Mame's got
15:35
Speaker 1: Just now. Mister Cout also had a little rum, and
15:40
Speaker 1: also laid a little money. Under the rather vague gaze
15:43
Speaker 1: of the venerable Cottager. Mister Coot was just proceeding to
15:49
Speaker 1: explain that these were bad times, but if you saw
15:53
Speaker 1: a sign, you were all right. Still A lawyer up
15:58
Speaker 1: at grunt and abbot had told him so. When the
16:01
Speaker 1: company was increased and greatly excited by the arrival of
16:05
Speaker 1: a boisterous and popular tinker who ordered glasses all round
16:10
Speaker 1: and said he had his donkey and cart outside. A prolonged,
16:16
Speaker 1: rich and confused conversation about the donkey and cart then ensued,
16:22
Speaker 1: in which the most varied views were taken of their merits,
16:27
Speaker 1: and it gradually began to dawn on Dolroy that the
16:31
Speaker 1: tinker was trying to sell them. An idea suited to
16:39
Speaker 1: the romantic opportunism of his present absurd career suddenly swept
16:47
Speaker 1: over his mind, and he rushed out to look at
16:50
Speaker 1: the cart and donkey. The next moment he was back again,
16:55
Speaker 1: asking the tinker what his price was, and almost in
16:59
Speaker 1: the same breath, offering a much bigger price than the
17:03
Speaker 1: tinker would have dreamed of asking. This was considered, however,
17:08
Speaker 1: as a lunacy especially allowed to gentlemen. The tinker had
17:14
Speaker 1: some more rum on the strength of the payments, and
17:17
Speaker 1: then Dolroy, offering his excuses, sealed up the cask and
17:23
Speaker 1: took it and the cheese to be stowed in the
17:26
Speaker 1: bottom of the cart. The money, however, he still left
17:31
Speaker 1: lying in shining silver and copper before the silver beard
17:36
Speaker 1: of Old Maine. No one acquainted with the quaint and
17:44
Speaker 1: often wordless camaraderie of the English poor will require to
17:50
Speaker 1: be told that they all went out and stared at
17:54
Speaker 1: him as he loaded the cart and saw to the
17:57
Speaker 1: harness of the donkey. I'll except the old cottager, who
18:03
Speaker 1: sat as if hypnotized by the sight of the money.
18:09
Speaker 1: While they were standing there, they saw, coming down the
18:11
Speaker 1: white hot road, where it curled over the hill, a
18:17
Speaker 1: figure that gave them no pleasure, even when it was
18:22
Speaker 1: a mere marching black spot in the distance. It was
18:27
Speaker 1: a mister bull Rose, the agent of Lord Ivywood's estates.
18:37
Speaker 1: Mister Bullrose was a short, square man, with a broad
18:41
Speaker 1: square head with ridges of close black curls on it,
18:47
Speaker 1: with a heavy froglike face and starting suspicious eyes, A
18:55
Speaker 1: man with a good silk hat, but a square business.
19:01
Speaker 1: Mister Bullrose was not a nice man. The agent on
19:07
Speaker 1: that sort of a state. Hardly ever, is a nice man.
19:12
Speaker 1: The landlord often is, and even Lord Iveywood had an
19:16
Speaker 1: arctic magnanimity of his own, which made most people want,
19:21
Speaker 1: if possible, to see him personally but mister Bullrose was petty.
19:32
Speaker 1: Every really practical tyrant must be petty. He evidently failed
19:39
Speaker 1: to understand the commotion in front of mister Maames partly
19:43
Speaker 1: collapsed cottage, but he felt there must be something wrong
19:48
Speaker 1: about it. He wanted to get rid of the cottage altogether,
19:53
Speaker 1: and had not, of course, the faintest intention of giving
19:58
Speaker 1: the cottager any compensation for it. He helped the old
20:03
Speaker 1: man would die, but in any case he could easily
20:08
Speaker 1: clear him out if it became suddenly necessary, for he
20:14
Speaker 1: could not possibly pay the rent for this week. The
20:18
Speaker 1: rent was not very much, but it was immeasurably too
20:23
Speaker 1: much for the old man, who had no conceivable way
20:27
Speaker 1: of borrowing or earning it. That is where the chivalry
20:33
Speaker 1: of our aristocratic land system comes in. Goodbye, my friends.
20:41
Speaker 1: The enormous man in the fantastic uniform was saying, all
20:46
Speaker 1: roads lead to Rum, as Lord Ivywood said in one
20:50
Speaker 1: of his gayer moments, and we hope to be back soon,
20:54
Speaker 1: establishing a first class hotel here, of which prospectuses will
21:00
Speaker 1: soon be sent out. The heavy frog like face of
21:06
Speaker 1: mister Bullrose, the agent grew uglier with astonishments, and the
21:13
Speaker 1: eyes stood out more like a snail's than a frog's.
21:19
Speaker 1: The indefensible allusion to Lord Ivywood would in any case
21:26
Speaker 1: have caused a choleric intervention if it had not been
21:30
Speaker 1: swallowed up in the earthquake. Suggestion of an unlicensed hotel
21:34
Speaker 1: on the estate. This again, would have affected the explosion,
21:40
Speaker 1: if that and everything else had not been struck still
21:43
Speaker 1: and rigid by the sight of a solid wooden signpost
21:50
Speaker 1: already erected outside Old Mame's miserable cottage. I've got him now,
21:59
Speaker 1: muttered mister bull Rose. He can't possibly pay, and out
22:04
Speaker 1: he shall go. And he walked swiftly towards the door
22:09
Speaker 1: of the cottage, almost at the same moment that Dolroy
22:13
Speaker 1: went to the donkey's head, as if to lead it
22:16
Speaker 1: off along the road. Look here, my man, burst out
22:22
Speaker 1: mister Bullrose, the instant he was inside the cottage. You
22:28
Speaker 1: cooked yourself this time. His Lordship has been a great
22:33
Speaker 1: deal to indulgent with you, but this is going to
22:37
Speaker 1: be the end of it. The insolence of what you've
22:40
Speaker 1: done outside, especially when you know His Lordship's wishes in
22:45
Speaker 1: such things, has just put the lead on. He stopped
22:51
Speaker 1: a moment and sneered. So unless you happen to have
22:59
Speaker 1: the exact rent down to a farthing or two, about you,
23:06
Speaker 1: out you go. We're sick of your sort. In a
23:12
Speaker 1: very awkward and fumbling manner, the old man pushed a
23:17
Speaker 1: heap of coins across the table. Mister Bulros sat down
23:22
Speaker 1: suddenly on the wooden chair with his silk hat on,
23:27
Speaker 1: and began counting them furiously. He counted them once, he
23:32
Speaker 1: counted them twice, and he counted them again. Then he
23:37
Speaker 1: stared at them more steadily than the cottager had done.
23:43
Speaker 1: Where did you get this money, he asked, in a thick,
23:49
Speaker 1: gross voice. Did you steal it? I ain't very spry
23:58
Speaker 1: for stealing, said the old man in quavering comedy. Bull
24:06
Speaker 1: Rose looked at him, and then at the money, and
24:09
Speaker 1: remembered with fury that Iviewwood was a just, though cold
24:15
Speaker 1: magistrate on the bench. Well, anyhow, he cried, in a
24:22
Speaker 1: hot heady way, we got enough against you to turn
24:27
Speaker 1: you out of this. Haven't you broken the law, my man,
24:31
Speaker 1: to say nothing of the regulations for tenants in sticking
24:36
Speaker 1: up that fancy sign of yours outside the cottage A.
24:42
Speaker 1: The tenant was silence a reiterated the agents. How replied
24:52
Speaker 1: the tenant, Have you or have you not? A signboard
24:57
Speaker 1: outside this house? Shouted bull Rose, hammering the table. The
25:04
Speaker 1: tenant looked at him for a long time with a
25:07
Speaker 1: patient and venerable face, and then said, maybe yes, maybe no.
25:17
Speaker 1: I'll mabbe you, cried mister Bulrose, springing up and sticking
25:22
Speaker 1: his silk hat on the back of his head. I
25:26
Speaker 1: don't know whether you people are too drunk to see anything,
25:29
Speaker 1: but I saw the thing with my own eyes out
25:33
Speaker 1: in the road. Come out and deny it, if you
25:36
Speaker 1: dare car, said mister Mayne dubiously. He tottered after the agent,
25:46
Speaker 1: who flung open the door with a business like fury,
25:50
Speaker 1: and stood outside on the threshold. He stood there quite
25:54
Speaker 1: a long time, and he did not speak. Deep in
26:01
Speaker 1: the hardened mud of his materialistic mind, there had stirred
26:07
Speaker 1: two things that were its ancient enemies, the old fairy tale,
26:14
Speaker 1: in which everything can be believed, the new skepticism, in
26:21
Speaker 1: which nothing can be believed, not even one's own eyes.
26:28
Speaker 1: There was no sign nor sign of a fane in
26:34
Speaker 1: the landscape. On the withered face of the old man name,
26:41
Speaker 1: there was a faint renewal of that laughter that has
26:49
Speaker 1: slept since the Middle Ages. End of chapter five