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Transcript

How to Reclaim Your Identity Beyond Your Roles & Responsibilities · The Inspired Speaker Network

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Welcome to Evolving with Elle, where a capable
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woman recognizes what she's managing, understands the responsibilities
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that she's carrying, and chooses self-honoring over
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self-abandonment, and decides to continue, change, or
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release.
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I am Elle.
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I bring the mirror, the map, and the
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message.
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You choose how you show up in a
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way that honors your capacity.
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So let's lean in, learn, and evolve together.
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So, you know, I've shared with you about
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the various roles that I have.
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And sometimes, we call those the hats that
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we wear.
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I was at a women's breakfast, and they
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had a whole skit about the hats that
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we, as women, wear.
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And it was, I was like, have you
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guys been in my head?
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Because I was like, that's what I talk
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about.
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And these roles that we have, some of
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us, we actually may carry them.
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They may be on our backs.
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And it's a heavy load to carry those
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roles.
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And what is a role, right?
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And that's an R-O-L-E, that
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kind.
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So that role is, it encompasses responsibilities
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of a person as they interact with others.
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That is what a role is.
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And some examples of roles that women carry
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are being an employee, being a wife, a
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mother, a business owner, a friend, a sibling,
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a daughter.
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All of those are roles that we carry.
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And we try to balance all of them,
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because every single one of them encompasses a
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relationship that we value.
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And that's a big thing about the roles
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that we have.
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It determines how we show up in relationship
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to another person, including ourselves, because as human
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beings, we have a relationship with ourselves as
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well.
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And what I like to really call them
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is role identities.
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And some of you may say, well, that's
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not my, that's not my identity.
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No, it's not your identity.
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But I love doing word studies.
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And in looking at the word study for
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identity, identity means sameness.
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So if we're going around saying, I'm trying
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to find my identity, I'm looking for my
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identity, insert the word sameness.
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You're looking for your sameness?
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I could have sworn you were a unique,
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genuine person, a one of a kind.
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So why are you looking for the sameness?
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But no, you're not.
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So you may have something the same as
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others, which is why I call it a
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role identity, because there is more than one
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person who has the role of parent, employee.
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That's where the sameness comes in, is in
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the role, not in who you are.
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And what is my distinction there?
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That is what I call your cor essence,
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your C-O-R, essence, which that means
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heart in Latin.
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So your heart essence, you are the unique
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person who steps into the role instead of
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the role stepping on you.
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Why are we carrying these roles?
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By saying we're putting on these hats and
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we have images of us with these hats
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on top of our head, like it's on
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us, weighing us down.
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But is that really how we need to
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look at all the relationships that we have?
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That they're a burden and an obligation?
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Because if we really think about it, when
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we approach some of our roles, we might
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give the biggest sigh.
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Let me go pick these children up.
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My husband needs me to bring something to
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his job again.
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Really?
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I don't think I did that.
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That was not acting.
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That was me remembering the times where I
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was working and I had to stop working
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and take time to go take my former
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spouse something or take my children their lunch
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or their project.
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Yes.
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I had those big size rolling eyes and
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just dread and heaviness all running off through
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my body until I was like, no, I
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am tired of carrying these role identities.
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And I was looking at myself in the
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mirror.
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I'm like, this is not how I promised
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myself I would show up as a wife
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and a mother or even an employee.
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Because ladies, I would give 10, 12 hours
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a day to some of my jobs because
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I felt rewarded from the recognition that I
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was given for my dedication.
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But what was it costing me?
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It was costing me relationship with myself, my
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spouse and my children.
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Being in that role, having that role identity
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and carrying it.
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So I now say, instead of carrying the
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role and having the role define me, I
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get to step into it and I get
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to own it.
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And so do you.
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Because what really woke me up to the
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fact that we as people wear our roles
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is I went to an all women event.
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It was a networking event as I was
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starting my business.
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And it was my first time there.
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And so everyone was introducing themselves.
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And it was the biggest wake up call
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because I hadn't noticed this before until that
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day.
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And they were saying, hi, my name is
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Tracy.
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I'm a wife of however many years and
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I'm a mother of two and I'm a
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pet mom.
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And then the other person would go and
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she would say, oh, I am a real
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estate agent.
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I have two children in college and I'm
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no longer married.
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And as I continue to hear that going
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around the room, I was like, I'm going
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to introduce myself differently.
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So it got to me.
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And I said, hi, my name is LJ.
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And I am an open, powerful, free woman.
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And I value connection, compassion, and love.
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And everybody just looked at me.
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And there was like, oh, it's like, yes.
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And then I said, oh, yes.
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And, and I have two children and I
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am a co-parent.
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So I introduced myself from how I've been
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operating from my heart, not by the role
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and responsibilities and relationships with others.
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I started with my relationship with myself.
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And that's what we're going to talk about
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is understanding our role identities, the responsibilities underneath
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them, and even the expectations that are entangled
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in those responsibilities.
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All right.
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Now, what is a responsibility?
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The Cambridge Dictionary calls a responsibility a duty
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that a person must perform, that they're accountable
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for completing.
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I don't like that definition because duty sounds
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so heavy.
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And let's face it, it's duty.
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And we know the other word for duty
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is poo.
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It's smelly.
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It's stinky.
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No, a responsibility is not smelly or stinky
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poo.
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It, from my definition, a responsibility is a
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task that we have the privilege to accomplish
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in relationship with another person.
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It's a privilege.
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And duty is heavy.
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Privilege is light.
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Okay.
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It floats to the top.
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When I think of it, okay, I, I'm
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elevated when I think of it from a
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place of privilege.
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In being an employee, it's a privilege to
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support an organization and receive a paycheck from
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them for my support.
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As a business owner, it is a privilege
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to support women as they strategize on how
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to align holistically with the core of who
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they are.
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That's a privilege.
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It's a privilege to be a parent, to
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be responsible for and responsible to another human
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being from birth to adulthood.
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It's, yes, there's some, there's ups and downs
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definitely with that role and the responsibilities of
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being a parent, but it's still a privilege
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of what I get to do in relationship
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with my children.
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And that's the beautiful thing about responsibilities.
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And to name some responsibilities, I'll, I'll stick
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with the parent one.
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We have the responsibility to feed our children,
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right?
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That's a responsibility.
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Well, sometimes responsibilities get entangled with expectations and
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it's the kind of expectations that are what
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I would call rigid rules.
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Because again, expectations are not bad.
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It's just the kind of expectation it is.
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Is it consciously chosen or is it heaped
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upon you?
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And so responsibility, feed your children, plain and
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simple.
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That is, you get to choose how you
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handle that responsibility, how you get to fulfill
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that privileged task.
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It's your choice on how you accomplish it.
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So now we're going to get into those
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expectations that get entangled in responsibilities.
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All right.
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Expectations.
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Cambridge Dictionary, love the Cambridge Dictionary.
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It tells us that an expectation is something
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that we believe will or should happen.
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There's musts with those rigid expectations.
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And there's not freedom within those kinds of
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expectations.
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It infringes on a person's choice, their voice,
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and just their ability to live from their
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heart.
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Because they didn't choose the expectation.
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It was told to them and forced upon
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them.
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And it's like this judgment, this thing that
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you must achieve.
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And if you don't, you're less than, you're
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missing something.
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You didn't, there was, why didn't you know
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this?
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That's what those rigid expectations bring.
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And to the example of the responsibility of
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feeding your children, an expectation that gets entangled
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with that responsibility is feeding your children home
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cooked meals, feeding your children from the garden
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to the table, not giving your children fast
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food, or limiting to once a week.
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All of those options are just that.
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They're options.
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They don't have to be an expectation.
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Because I remember, and this one might be
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very volatile, what I'm about to say, but
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breastfeeding.
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When I was expecting my children, I had
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so many people tell me that I should
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breastfeed my children for 18 months, two years,
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whatever.
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And gave all of these reasons why I
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should.
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And if I didn't, oh, they would be
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sick all the time.
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And it was like, for crying out loud,
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I'm already scared.
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I'm carrying another life in my body.
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Why are you heaping this huge expectation upon
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me?
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And they're not even here yet.
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Let me freaking choose.
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Let me give birth first and then see
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how this part of my body works with
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them.
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It's like, oh.
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And I know you mean well.
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I know there are studies out there.
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I get it.
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I get it.
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But again, that was the most selfish, inconsiderate,
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damn near abusive thing that people do to
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pregnant women.
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Like, no.
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We've got to stop doing that to each
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other, ladies.
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Please.
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Let's stop.
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I have thankfully, finally, given birth to two
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children.
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Because I, the reason it's so volatile for
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me, okay, is I had three miscarriages.
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So my main concern was giving birth.
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And as I said, everyone meant well.
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I'll charge it to their head, not their
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heart.
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And I get to say, I don't need
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that energy around me.
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And there's actually studies that say pregnant women
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don't need negative energy around you.
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And we really need to give each other
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that space and grace and allow people, just
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lay the information at their feet.
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Not the expectation.
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Not the rigid rule.
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But offer the information for the person to
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make an informed decision.
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Because with those expectations, that's why a lot
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of us end up carrying our role identities.
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It's because of the rigid rules embedded in
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the role identities.
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And what we get to do is parse
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out the expectation.
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Because the role is part of a relationship.
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So you, as the employee, get to say,
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how am I going to come to this
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relationship without any old expectations of having to
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do over and above just to prove that
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I'm worthy to get this paycheck?
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Barry, hire me.
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Proof already done.
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So why do you need to further prove?
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Right?
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So let that expectation go and just say,
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what are the role responsibilities of this job?
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And do them.
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That's what you get to do.
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Same thing with being a parent.
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What are the role responsibilities of a parent?
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And separate out what's an expectation.
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And you, as the parent, in relationship with
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your child.
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Because your child's not like my child.
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So that's the important part.
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You have to listen and know your own
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child and how to bring that responsibility for
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your role into that relationship to accomplish it.
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That's what we're doing here, ladies and gentlemen,
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is we are looking at our role identities
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individually.
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Employee, business owner, parent, co-parent, all of
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them.
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And we're saying, what are the responsibilities that
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I am choosing to do as part of
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this role?
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And then you look at, okay, what have
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I been doing that was not really my
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choice, or I haven't examined it yet?
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And when you examine and you get to
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see, oh, there's actually expectations, rigid rules in
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here that I don't need.
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Because it's okay to expect a particular thing
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within the role and the responsibilities of that
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role.
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And when you have that thing that you
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expect to accomplish, you take all the action
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necessary, make the decisions, make the choices, and
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then you see what actually happens.
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And that is what we call expectancy.
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Expect and see what happens.
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That's my framework.
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It's expect and see.
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Because that's where possibility is.
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That's where choice is.
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That's where you and those that you are
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in relationship with get to bring your unique,
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genuine, cor essence, the heart of who you
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are.
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So you can connect with compassion, treating others
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the way you want to be treated.
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That is what we will be talking about.
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So in my community, you will have opportunities
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on Wednesdays to join elevating conversations with me
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where you can share your experience.
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Ask me questions.
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There will be workshops for us to go
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deeper and opportunities for us to create a
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group or groups for us to really and
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truly connect, read each other's labels, reflect with
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each other, give each other encouragement and appreciation.
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And what I say that we are doing
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is that we are edifying each other with
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the reflection and encouraging each other by reading
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each other's labels.
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We are elevating each other with the conversations
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we have because as we pour out every
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day in all of these relationships at work,
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at home, with our spouses, with our children,
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we get to have someone else pour back
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into us to help us elevate to the
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next level.
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And all of this is part of evolving
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with help.
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That's what we're doing here.
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And in this evolution, I bring you the
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map, I bring you the mirror, and I
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bring you the method.
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So let's continue to evolve together.