Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / The Biggest Mistakes You Can Make In Your Divorce

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The Biggest Mistakes You Can Make In Your Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And on today's episode, I'm going to lead you through the biggest mistakes you can make in your divorce.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And they may not actually be what you think.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: They may not be what you're expecting.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to step you through four big mistakes that I see people make in divorce.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And the biggest one, without a doubt, the first one I'm going to talk about is outsourcing your power and your control.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I see people who do this a lot.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, not my clients, but I do see it a lot.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about expecting somebody else to be able to take control, to run with it, and to fix this for them.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're thinking about separating, if you're navigating the messy middle of your divorce, my biggest tip for you is don't let anyone or anything other than you control the process or dictate how you show up.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say anyone or anything, I mean your ex, your family, your friends, the other parents at school drop off.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: The way they respond or react will influence you.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I also mean your lawyer.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let them lead you down a path that you don't want to go.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let them nudge you into reacting or responding in ways that you're not comfortable with, and don't allow them to react or respond to the other side, to your ex, to their lawyer, to their legal team.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't allow them to react or respond in ways that you're not comfortable with.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, aggressively or without concern of the impact that that is going to have.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Once you head down that higher conflict, acrimonious path, it is a slippery slope.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: It snowballs.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So don't let anybody dictate the way you navigate your way through separation, divorce.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And don't let anything, the legal process, your expectations and conditioning, the stories you're telling yourself, the past and your past experience.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let anything dominate and dictate how you show up, how you react and respond.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: That is something that you can control.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can control your reactions and you can control your responses.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: So don't allow anything else to tip you and pull you into reacting and responding in ways that aren't aligned with who you are, how you want to show up.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't allow anyone or anything else to dictate your values, your actions, your behaviors, your decisions.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Stay anchored in your values and how you want to move yourself through your separation and divorce.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: I regularly see people being totally overwhelmed by the actual process of divorce.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I see them letting the legal process, the to and fro back and forth communications, the constant need to be on guard and vigilant.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I see them allow all of that overwhelm to completely dictate how they feel, their emotional state.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something that I work on really hard with all of my clients.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: How can you not be tipped, activated, and dictated to by the process?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: How can you not be activated?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: How can you not be pulled into responding and reacting in a way that does not align with how you really want to behave?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's about making a commitment and really declaring to yourself, consciously deciding that no matter what, that you will determinedly show up as the best version of yourself through your divorce and beyond.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's not going to be perfect, it's not going to be every moment, every day, you're going to fall over.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: But how can you commit to showing up as the best version of yourself?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: One of the biggest mistakes I see people making their divorce is allowing the legal process or their it or their ex to dictate their emotional state on a daily basis.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's exhausting and it massively impacts your well-being and your capacity, especially your capacity to make objective, well-thought-out, future-focused decisions.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you activate it, when you're reactive, you're in fight-flight mode, and you are just not physiologically able to process information, to take information in, process it, and make intentional decisions or act in alignment with what you most want, how you most want your life to be.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're just not physically capable of doing that if you're activated in fight-flight.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: So just like I do with my one-on-one clients, I invite you to flip this, pause, notice how you're feeling, breathe, then make a conscious choice.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Decide on purpose how you want to feel.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want to feel?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm pretty sure you don't want to feel fired up, activated, triggered all the time.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So decide how you want to feel.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Decide first how you want to think and feel about yourself, about your divorce, about your ex even, about the process, and then show up, behave, act in alignment with that.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it's kind of a bit like faking it until you make it, but on an on another level.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: So you choose how you want to feel.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you choose the values that underpin that, and that's another thing I work with my one-on-one clients on.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: What are your values?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: What are your life values?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: But what values are you going to embody as you move through your separation divorce?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because they inform how you feel.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: So choose how you want to feel.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to feel calm, free, relaxed, whatever it is, whatever it is for you, choose those feelings and then engage and respond and behave from that space, from already feeling that.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And yep, if you have to fake it till you make it, that's fine.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: But choose the feeling first, anchor into that feeling and react and respond and behave from that feeling.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I also, as I said earlier, see people handing over all of the power and all of the control to a lawyer, thinking that they know best and they're going to fix it and they're going to solve all the problems.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Lawyers know one thing.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Lawyers know one thing really, really well, and they that thing is the law.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they know best.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: They do not know you.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: They do not know your dreams, your values, your hopes.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't know you and your family.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So you are best placed to make decisions about your life.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, absolutely guided by the experts on your team, guided by your legal, financial, emotional supporters and experts, but you are the one who is best placed to make decisions about your life.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Outsourcing power and control 100% solely to your lawyer is costly.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Financially costly, yes, but also emotionally.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's emotionally costly because you you're relinquishing your capacity, as I said before, to tap into how do I want to feel, choosing how I want to feel, and reacting and responding to that.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually outsourcing that.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it's costly emotionally because of sorry, financially, because you're giving the lawyer a lot of work to do.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's also costly emotionally because you're releasing your capacity to control how you feel, how you show up, how you move.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So listen to the advice from your lawyer, absolutely.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sift through it, ask questions, and then make educated, empowered decisions for your future rather than letting someone else outside of your family, outside of you, outside of your life dictate that to you.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: So 100% listen, ask questions, seek clarification, and then make educated, empowered decisions for your future rather than let someone else dictate the story to you.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Second mistake I commonly see, big mistake, is expecting your ex to suddenly be different.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, still, all these years after we separated, there are times when I am surprised or disappointed or activated by things my ex does or says.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we get along relatively well.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we can do things as a unit, as a family for our kids.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: We stand at the football together, we have birthday dinners together, and still there are times when I find I'm disappointed.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: He probably is in me, I suppose.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I would assume.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: There are still times that he does things that surprise me.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: We're divorced for really, really good reasons, and some of those reasons are that we have different values, and those values inform our behaviour decisions and choices.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So why I would expect him to choose what I would choose or do what I would do, uh it's probably not clever.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes I do.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So suddenly expecting your ex to show up, step up, behave in ways they never ever did in your relationship is setting yourself up for disappointment.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And still I see it regul regularly, really regularly, wishfully hoping that suddenly they'll see the light, i.e., they will see your way, and behave differently.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this causes anxiety and activation and therefore contributes to not being able to be objective, not being able to communicate clearly, and it contributes to more conflict.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: So expect your ex to behave exactly as they have all along, and you save yourself from disappointment as well as argument or potential argument and conflict.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Expect that they will be true to form.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: As in all reality, will you?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: You'll still stay true to form too.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: So if you expect that, you're not disappointed, you're not surprised.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: The way you engage and interact together will only shift if you shift.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that, of course, is a whole other podcast episode, and what I call defining the container of this new version, this new iteration of your relationship.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Things will only shift or change if you shift or change.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, even better than expecting true to form behavior is releasing yourself from any expectation around your ex and their capacity, their behavior, their responses, their decisions, and just respond with grace and respect to how they actually show up, how they actually engage with you.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So shifting yourself to a place of acceptance.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Your ex is who he or she is, and they won't react, act, respond, behave in the same way that you might.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, acceptance is an ongoing process.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, I still find myself occasionally surprised, disappointed, activated, um, by my ex all these years down the track.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: But acceptance moves you closer to that sense of peace, which can be really supportive in moving your moving through your divorce calmly and quickly.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So the number two mistake I commonly see or hear about is expecting your ex to suddenly behave or be different.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number three, and these are in no real order, by the way, but mistake number three is dwelling.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Dwelling in the past, fixating on all the what ifs, all the should have's and the maybes.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: This just keeps you stuck.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: So dwelling in the past and rehashing all of the questions that you had, doubting all the decisions you make, keeps you stuck.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not conducive to moving forward, it's not future focused, it's not conducive to being future focused, or creating a new reality for yourself and your kids if you have them.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when the present is really difficult or uncomfortable, as humans our brain tries to create more safety by escaping it.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And one way we do that is actually dwelling in the past.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: We unpack all the would-could, should've, all the what-ifs.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it is important to unpack the layers, the hows and the whys of of your separation, your relationship breakdown, your divorce, and heal them for yourself.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: But remaining stuck in all the what-ifs and pondering all the things that you could have or should have done differently isn't actually healthy or healing.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Keeps you stuck, not moving forward.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it can definitely drag you down and drag your divorce out.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're still seeking answers to things that are either unanswerable, have no answer, or they're in the past.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than being forward-focused, focused on solutions, focus on creative solutions for you, your family, and forward movement progress to settlement, to a new version of life.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: So dwelling is not conducive to forward momentum and forward movement.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, number four, biggest mistake I see is skipping to the end.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I spoke about this in a recent masterclass that I ran with regard to Rupert Murdoch.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just jumps straight to the end, being straight to the good part, and look, I've got a new wife.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's not quite what I'm talking about here.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm talking about here is pushing through or agreeing to a settlement or a parenting arrangement simply to get it done.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like skip to the end, to have the negotiations over, to free yourself from the conflict and the drama and all the big emotions.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Just get to the end.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I absolutely advocate that a speedy-ish, a timely, I guess is the word I'm looking for, a timely agreement is the best thing for everyone.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: I also know that skipping to the end just to have it all over is not always the smartest.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's in fact, it's not the smartest or the best way through a divorce.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Again, as humans, we are wired to seek comfort and to move ourselves away from discomfort and pain as quickly and as safely as we can.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: But there's no denying it.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you chose it, whether you had it chosen for you, divorce hurts.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you know it's the right thing for you, even if you know it's the right way forward, it's painful.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: And having to negotiate and deal with your ex while you come to an agreement can be excruciating.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: So there is a temptation to skip to the end.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that where you are, where you are right now, if you're in that messy middle part, it's not the end.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: But to get to the end, you do have to go through the hard, messy, painful middle bits.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're tempted to just get it over with and skip to the end, things will be missed and you may come to regret your choice.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: So seek out the support that you need to hold your line and sit in the discomfort that is the messy, middle, hard, painful part of divorce.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you would like to explore how I can be that support for you, check the links in the show notes and let's jump on a call to discuss options.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Skipping to the end, jumping over your negotiation just to get yourself through and out of the pain can be one of the biggest mistakes that you'll make.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: So seek out the right support that you need to make sure you can be safely held while you go through the hard middle part.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And as I always say, if you know someone that would benefit from listening to this, please, please share it with them.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're open to, I would love it if you could rate and review and follow the podcast.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: It means it gets bumped up in the algorithms, and more people who need to hear it will get to hear it and see it.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you have found something useful in this episode.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.