Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep19: Jo Koy's LOL Files 🤣.

Transcript

S3 Ep19: Jo Koy's LOL Files 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm half white, half Filipino, that's not.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Which means my dad was in the military.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's not even a joke.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's real shit.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of soldiers were fighting for this country.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was dating.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm his purple heart.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: My dad would say borderline racist shit to me when I was a kid.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Borline racist shit.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I knew he was joking, it's my dad.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just sitting at the dinner table, like, no, I married your mom, right?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, why?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because I love Chinese food.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: She's Filipino dad.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Rice is rice.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Rice is rice.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's so racist.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's a way you can tell Asians apart from other Asians.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's by their accent, and only if they have accents.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Out of all the Asians, Koreans are the easiest.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because when a Korean person talks, they sound like they've been smoking weed all day.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like right before they talk, just Koreans sound like Asian ghosts.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: My best friend growing up was Korean.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I remember the first time I went to his house, his dad yelled from upstairs.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I thought the fucking house was haunted.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Swear to God, right when I walked in.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what the fuck was that?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, it's my dad.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: He just wants to know if you're hungry.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can do that with any Asian.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Vietnamese! What?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't even done it again.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're my I love you.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're the smallest of the Asians.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're smaller.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I will tell you this: don't fuck with Vietnamese people.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: They will fight anybody.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Those little fuckers will fight any.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: They don't give a shit.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care how strong you are, they will fight you.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: They will run up to you and say shit.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's their little feet.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had one run up to me at the end of the show.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, dude, what you say to me like that, dude?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: They talk real fast.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know they talk that fast.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: They talk like that, real fat, like dude, what you say to me like that, dude.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: They talk real fast like that, dude.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Koreans sound like they've been smoking weed all day.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Vietnamese people sound like they've been doing cocaine their whole life.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Vietnamese people put a period after every word that comes out.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Vietnamese people go real high, they go real high, like that do they go they don't like, don't do like that, they go real hard, like that.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Vietnamese people sound like they're in a car far away, and they drive by you real fast when the cockpit.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Japanese.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Japanese, only if they have accents you can tell us apart.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Japanese, very distinct.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: When a Japanese man talks, it comes from diaphragm.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: These Japanese men, Japanese.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Japanese woman, doesn't matter if she's twelve years old or seventy-five years old.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: They always sound twelve years old.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I give my ex whatever the fuck she wants.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I saw that baby come out.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck that shit.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of you women need to be more graphic with these guys that ain't paying their child support.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let them here.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Stop being nice about it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your daughter wants to take ballet classes.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: She needs shoes and some Latin.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your son wants to play sports.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: He needs to please and some gear.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck that.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Be graphic.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I want extra money?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because those kids ripped my pussy apart.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ripped.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Ripped.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Ripped it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Ripped.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't stay like that.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't stay like that.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want you to think it's ripped and stays like that.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's the cool thing about the vagina.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: It comes back together.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's fucking.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a transformer.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's like pussimus prime.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's like baby boss.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: I saw that baby come out.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck that shit.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: The vagina is beautiful, just not that day.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: That day it's its evil twin.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's not even vagina, it's called vagina.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am vagina.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the living baby.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, come out of vagina.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, here come the baby.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, here come the baby.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, man.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: My son's head was hanging out like this.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then she coughed and he went back in.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh! The pussy just ate the baby.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I just remember my son going, jaaa.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't hide shit.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't candy coat shit.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I let my son know.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, Joe, I know what you did in there.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: What are you talking about, Dad?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm just saying, like, I was 15, and I I know what you did in there.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, all the creepy shit you're doing, I did too.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was just better at it.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: What are you talking about, Dad?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Joe, come on, man.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I know what you did.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: You were in the shower for 30 minutes, man.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know what you did.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't do anything.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I just took a shower.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Joe, you didn't take a shower.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know I didn't take a shower?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Joe, you were in there for 30 minutes, and your hair is dry.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I bought you a big bottle of head and shoulders and it's empty.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: But you still have dandruff.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I don't want it.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: But your dick always smells like mint.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's just mint.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Mint and zinc come from here.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Head and shoulders, you know, not dick and hand.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's that.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I want every guy in this room to know this tonight.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: You got caught by your mom, too.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: She caught your dumb ass.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: She saw it.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's a grown woman.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: She knows what her teenage son is doing.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: She just never said anything to your dumb ass.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: But she found it.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it was you were abusing, she found it.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just didn't tell you about it.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: She was cleaning your room.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, oh, let me get that plate.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's not a plate.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's a towel.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't say anything to you.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: My mom said something to me, because that's the kind of fucking mom I got.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I thought I was bulletproof.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sock.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Genius, sock.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sock, hamper, sock, hamper.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: All week, sock, hamper.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sock, hamper.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Two-a-day Friday, sock, sock, hamper, hamper.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Then Sunday came around, my mom walked into my room.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Stop backing your socks.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me right now?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: You want me to clean it?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you, Joseph.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's disgusting.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've been showing all your socks away, huh?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: You have two pairs of socks left for the rest of the year.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You buck those, no more socks, Joseph.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna go to school barefoot like that, huh?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: The principal will call me, Joseph doesn't have any socks.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because he keeps backing them.