Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Busting Myths About Love

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Busting Myths About Love · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And today I wanted to talk about myths about love.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, thanks to the world of Disney, Hallmark, fairy tales, movies, all the conditioning, we all have so many stories, so many myths that we believe about love.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: What it is, what it looks like, how it feels, or how it should feel, how it should begin, and how real love is forever.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: How love shouldn't end.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to unpack some of the common myths about love and how they impact on our relationships or our capacity to be really in a healthy relationship.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So myth number one, you fall in love.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: I actually don't believe you fall in love.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I believe you build it, you choose it, you co-create it every single day.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sure, you might find your person or you might find a person who is right for you just now, in this moment, in this season, and it might feel like an explosion or a falling, a falling into love.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: But I really believe that love is a verb, it takes choice, it takes action, it takes doing.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a verb, it's a doing word, and it takes for both of you to be committed to that doing, committed to the journey, both of you putting in, both of you doing the work, both of you co-creating it.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Successful, happy, long-term couples are those who give without any expectation of receiving.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: They want to give and they do so generously, and that giving is reciprocal.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: But it's gifting, it's giving, it's showing up for the relationship without an expectation of return or receiving.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not tit for tat, it's a generous giving.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, myth number one, you fall in love.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't believe that's true.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: I believe we build love, we build it, we co-create it.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Myth Buster here, the one doesn't exist.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: We're sold the BS myth that there is one right person out there for us, and that we'll know when we find this one.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: The one.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that's the that's the gift, I guess, of Disney, of movies, of fairy tales.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: We have all of those, all of that conditioning, all of that childhood conditioning to thank for this myth.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even Shakespeare, even the Bronte sisters, you know, whatever, whatever your story is, we have all of that to thank for the myths that we hold and believe and carry with us about love.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: About the one, about finding the one person.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: The one is who you are choosing to be in a relationship with right now.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: The one is who you choose to love in this moment at this time point in time.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: The one is who you're choosing to love and be in relationship with and explore love with now.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: If we hold, if we hold on to that myth of there only being one out there, then we close ourselves to possibility.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: We hold on to comparison and judgment, which pulls us out of connection.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the one, I think the one becomes the one when you're really willing and vulnerable enough to meet one another in that messy middle, and you're both committed to the doing.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number one, you're both committed to to the doing, to learning, to healing, and the journey that love is.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number three.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you love hard enough, if you love your person, if you love someone hard enough, it'll all work out.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: It'll all work out in the end.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Again, thank you, fairy tales.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Disney.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Shakespeare.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not Shakespeare, doesn't always work out in the end in Shakespeare, but thank you, the Bronte sister, or whoever it is, right?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Disney.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you love hard enough, it'll all work out in the end.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Love who the person is now.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Love who they are, not who you want them to be, not who you think they might become.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Love is about loving the person they are right now, not falling in love with potential, not believing in what they can could become if, if only.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you often find out that you've been sucked into this myth when resentment and frustration show up in your relationship.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: You discover that you're actually hoping they will change.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You're hoping they'll become something different.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're invested in and loving the potential that this person or this relationship shows, what you think they could be, rather than who they actually are.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can't fix or change or help.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can't love someone into being something else, something that they're not.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: You love them and then maybe they become more.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they step up and step into a higher version of themselves.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the relationship challenges and pushes and nudges them towards doing the work, doing the healing, so that they do step into their potential.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: But you can't love someone for who they might be or who they might become.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can't love someone enough to change them.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number four if it's real love, it's easy.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: If it's real love, it's easy.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: That is bullshit.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Love takes time, it takes shared time.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: So don't take that time for granted.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's a finite commodity, and both of you, I keep saying this, both of you need to be committed to the journey to the relationship, to putting in equal effort, taking equal responsibility, holding space for one another, but taking equal responsibility for carrying the relationship in times when it needs carrying for doing the work, equal responsibility showing up for one another, doing the healing, doing the work.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it goes back to the fact that love is an active choice and that loving is a verb, it's a doing word.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: So love isn't always easy, it does require an active choice every single day, and it requires that we that we do, we act, behave, we show up for one another, for the relationship in loving ways.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it does mean that sometimes one of you is going to carry a bigger load.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: If one of you is in a season where things are really challenging outside the relationship, that can make love not easy.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard sometimes to hold that for another person, to hold that for your person for your relationship.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Real love isn't always easy, but the flip side of that is it shouldn't always be hard either.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number five.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Being in love means you want the same things.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's true, but not always.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes if you're not on the same page about the big things that you want in life, if you're not on the same page about the big things, being in love, loving another person might might not be enough.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be on the same page about most of the big ticket items, most of the things that are really important to both of you.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't mean being in love and loving doesn't mean you always want the same things.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And just because you're not always on the same page, just because he wants Mexican and you want Japanese or whatever it is, it that doesn't necessarily mean that it's not love, and it doesn't mean that you're not compatible.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm using a fairly trite kind of example when I'm talking about a cuisine to choose, but if you're not exactly on the same page on everything, it doesn't necessarily mean it's not a real love.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that there's compromise, there's give and take.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So being in a healthy love means that you can compromise, you can share, you can have give and take without self-sacrificing and without diminishing or minimising your own needs.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: So myth number five: being in love means you always want the same things.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's important to want the same things when it's the big picture stuff, and some of the minutiae, well, you know, there's there's capacity to give and take there.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: More capacity, I think, to give and take there than there is on the really big ticket items.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number six.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Love means your partner can read your mind.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And before you scoff at or discount this, this myth, I want you to pause and really think about it.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: How many times have you wondered why your partner doesn't show up for you or for the relationship in the way you hoped he or she would?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: How many times have you felt let down or disappointed because they missed the mark?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: They missed the mark for you, they weren't there for you, they didn't do what you hoped they would do.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can see yourself in this, there might just be an element of you expecting them to be able to automatically know what it is you want and what you need to read your mind.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: So myth number six: love means your partner can read your mind.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: If he loved me enough, he would know.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Bullshit.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, bullshit.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Being in a loving relationship requires that you express your needs in order for them to be met.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: You need to know what your needs are, you need to speak up, you need to ask for what you need.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it's your partner's responsibility to meet your reasonable needs, to meet you, to hold space for you, to see you, to hear you, and yeah, sometimes preempt you, but they can't read your mind.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be able to speak up, ask for what you need.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Real love doesn't actually magically involve mind reading.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number seven.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: The honeymoon phase, what we feel in the honeymoon phase, that's real love.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's a myth.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: That passionate honeymoon phase of a new relationship is amazing, it's glorious, it's all the things.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: We've all felt it.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also not possible, it's actually not physically, humanly possible for that to last forever.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: In the excitement of that honeymoon phase, everything's new, and that in itself is exciting, but we don't really know our partner yet.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: We don't really know the ins and outs, the light and shadow.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: We're both presenting our very best the very best version of ourselves in that honeymoon phase, and we're not had to navigate any form of conflict or disagreement.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Everything's exciting, everything's new, everything's wonderful.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: But knowing, really knowing someone leads to a deeper form of loving, a deeper connection, and that can only come after the honeymoon phase, and that requires that we show up in as all of us, all our light, all our shadow, not just the very best version of ourselves.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we bring to the table, we bring to the relationship parts of us that we don't really want to acknowledge.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, we bring those shadow parts of ourselves, our wounds into the into the space, and it means we need to allow the same for our partner.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: So real love is messy.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Real love isn't always exciting all of the time, which is another myth I'm going to talk to in a minute.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Real love can sometimes be quiet and gentle, and sometimes real love is filling the car with petrol and cleaning the toilet.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Substance in a relationship is sexy, I reckon.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Depth, integrity, compassion, kindness, that deep vulnerability, and with that comes a willingness to be fully seen, to show up for each other as our whole selves, and to allow our partner to do the same.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: To allow our partner to be vulnerable, to bring stuff that is a bit messy or is a bit shadowy.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Real love is way more than the excitement and passion of the honeymoon phase.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number eight true, true, real love is exciting and all the things all the time.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy love is is deep love and real love.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, no, not sometimes, sorry, healthy love should feel safe.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy love should feel safe.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been someone who is used to that fiery um on again, off again, passionate connection, and you can and you associate that with love, sometimes a healthy love can feel kind of boring.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: White bread vanilla.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy love feels safe.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: If it's safe, you can rely on it, it's predictable, but that doesn't have to mean it's boring.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Real love feels like being seen for who you really are, being able to bring all of you, being able to express your needs, be heard, be held, and know that the relationship is safe, that to to do all that, to bring all of you, that that it will see here and hold all the parts of you.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Real love is about being able to express yourself, express your needs and not hold back for fear.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's about freely expressing, claiming your needs, having that expression validated, not shutting down, or having consequences if you bring parts of you to the to the table that perhaps you know aren't so shiny and lovely, that there aren't consequences for showing up as your entire self.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Real love is about curiosity and kindness, compassion, responding rather than reacting, being interested and as I said, curious and open to other possibilities, other thought, other ways of thinking or ways of seeing things.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: And real love is sometimes just being held gently, and I'm talking physical physical holding, sure, but also that metaphorical holding.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's being held gently and reverently, not fiery or desperate or held tightly in the fist of wild passion or control.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes real love is very gentle, tender, safe.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about being able to show all of you and having that be met by another, by your partner.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that just feels cozy and comfortable rather than racy or or frenetic or fiery.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean there's not passion, doesn't mean there's not depth, doesn't mean there's not amazing sex and deep connection, but sometimes, sometimes it feels cozy and comfortable.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number nine, and we have the Beatles to thank for this one, I reckon.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Love is all you need.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now I love the Beatles, but this myth is total, total BS.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Love is not all you need.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can love someone deeply, passionately, fully, wholeheartedly, soulfully, and still it not be a happy, healthy, healed relationship.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You also need, and we've talked, I've talked about it already, you also need kindness and compassion.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: You need mutual respect, you need a willingness to show up for one another, to be vulnerable with one another, to allow your partner and yourself to show up in all your messy humanness, in all the mess that is being human.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: You need understanding, you need compromise, you need willingness to work through difficulties or differences, communication skills, a willingness to stand in the discomfort of discomf of I can't speak in the discomfort of conflict, a willingness to stand in the discomfort of conflict and work through it to the end, to a resolution, to a make good, to a repair after rupture.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: You need a desire to make each other's lives better by sharing life together, a commitment to working through your own stuff, to healing and learning, and then growing into a deeper relationship.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: And while love is not all you need, I think we all as humans begin and end with love.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: If we start and finish with love, if we show up with love, then we do broaden, deep and extend that connection with another human.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: If we lead with love, if we lead with love and choose from a space, a place of deep love, deep self-love first, and then love for for another, can't help but build better relationships.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: And we can't help then but build a better world.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Leading from love, choosing from love, leads to deeper connection, leads to deeper relationships, and ultimately to a better, more loving, kind, compassionate world for us to all live in.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: On that note, thank you for sharing time and space with me.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate you being here.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know you've got a whole heap of things you could be doing with your time, so thank you for hanging out with me.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: If there's somebody that you know would benefit or enjoy this episode, please share it with them.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Also, if you can leave a review, rate and review the podcast, it means we get it into the ears of a whole lot more people who want to reflect, reclaim, and liberate.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you've followed the podcast and review this episode so we can give it in the videos of all of our humans just like you, it's a reclaim and the stuff in the podcast.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next month in another episode of this line.