Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 084: Why Successful Women Feel They Have to Prove Themselves and How to Stop

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084: Why Successful Women Feel They Have to Prove Themselves and How to Stop · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, and welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Frederica Davis, your host, and this is our Sustainable Success Tuesday episode.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we get to talk about building success in a way that does not require you to sacrifice your health, your relationships, or the rest of your life to get there.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start with this question today.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Have you been spending more time improving something that really matters, or more time proving something to yourself, to others?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Recently, I was listening to another podcast, the Mel Robbins podcast, and she was having a conversation with a Dr.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly Chug.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I am saying that right.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'll put her name in the show notes.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it was this similar question, but with a different distinction.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been thinking about it ever since I was listening because there really is a difference between working on improving something and working because some part of you needs to prove what you can do or that you can even do it at all.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the tricky part here is that proving can look like success.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: It can really look like that to others.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: It can look like ambition, it can look like determination or being the woman everybody can count on.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it will even get you to exactly where it is that you want to go.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I know this because I have genuinely spent a decent portion of my life in that proving mode.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's that mode where you think, okay, I can do it.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know I'm gonna prove you wrong.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I can do it.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I can carry it.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I can figure it out.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I will prove you wrong and everyone else wrong, and maybe even subconsciously myself wrong.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I will do it.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, during those times, I wasn't really only trying to prove something to the people around me, the people who were watching.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was actually really trying to prove something to myself mostly.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I remember years ago, I was affiliated with a direct selling company.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've ever been part of one, you know that you are technically self-employed.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: But there is still this hierarchy.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: There are people above you who mentor you and earn money based in part on what you do.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: There are rules from the company, goals, promotions, and a whole host of things you have to accomplish in order to move to each of the next levels.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now I did quite well there for a long time, and I was working towards the next level.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I was learning, I was working really hard, I was doing what I needed to do, and I was feeling really ready for that next promotion, that next level where I would have more people who would then be looking to me as their mentor.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Then a woman above me in the organization sat down with me one day over lunch and told me she did not think I was ready to move up.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, perhaps she believes she was acting in my best interest.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was young at the time.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to think that, but I don't necessarily believe that.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: The financial structure, the way it was set up, meant that when I moved forward, she benefited less than if I stayed right where I was at, inside her unit, instead of moving into my own.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can't say for certain what motivated her conversation with me that day.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: But what I can tell you is what it triggered in me.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Up until this point in time, I had already lived through enough key people, family members in my world who should have been cheering me on, who actually were not, who instead, under the guise of my best interest, were trying to ground me and tell me that my dreams were not possible, that I was not going to ever amount to what I had dreamed of and what I was working towards.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So when I sat down with this woman, what it triggered in me was an immediate reaction of, I'm gonna prove you wrong.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Who the hell are you to tell me I can't do something?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that's some pretty good motivation there, I will tell you, that can act as wonderful motivation.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I did consider what she said to me that day, but it didn't feel right.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think the motivation was pure, and I had my heart set on meeting the goal that I had set.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was a giant goal, but I knew I could do it.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of simply continuing on the way that I was and not allowing myself to have self-doubt and not getting worried about what anybody else thought, I got stuck back into the, okay, we'll see.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'll prove you wrong.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of me simply continuing to learn and build and prepare for the next level, I just got hellbent, hellbent on proving I could do it.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: But as much as I was going to prove it to her, it was even more important that I had to prove it to myself.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I got stuck in that because she planted a seed of doubt.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I made it.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I made it to that goal.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I reached the level I'd been working towards.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Once I got there, though, it was harder than it needed to be because I had pushed my way there instead of fully evolving my way there the way I had originally started.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was so focused on proving that I could reach the next level that I did not give quite enough attention to becoming the woman who could comfortably be in the next level and lead and sustain what came with it.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just harder than it needed to be.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, did I get through this?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, but it was harder.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's the difference I want to talk about today.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And again, proving is something that can be healthy.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: These are the moments when it motivates you.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: When you're trying something new and you're trying to prove to yourself, like, oh, I guess I can do like the first time I was scuba diving, you know, in the middle of the ocean or I couldn't see land anywhere in sight.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had to prove I could do it into myself.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: There are those moments that it can be healthy.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is when you develop a new skill and you do something you weren't sure you could do.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're a little afraid of it, and then boom, your confidence grows.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is not what I'm talking about.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Those moments are healthy.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the kind of proving that has an emotional charge underneath it, where it's the kind of proving that says, I'll show you.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need anybody.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody will ever be able to say, I can't handle it.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's the kind of proving I'm talking about.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of proving does not have a natural finish line either, because it really is not about the goal at this point.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's about what you believe reaching the goal will finally say about you.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, some of that started a whole lot earlier.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up from with discouragement from some family members who should have been there supporting me, cheering me on, teaching and leading me.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I heard things like, you'll never amount to anything.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: You never finish anything.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can't do that.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's too big of a goal.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: You'll never make that.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sure you want to do that?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you just settle in and get a real job, something you can count on?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So on and so on and so on.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And thank God I didn't listen.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God I just kept trying and kept growing and kept improving because I am the only one who's had a business for over 40 years.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the only one who hasn't been laid off or let go or all those things.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: So thank God I followed where I wanted to go.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And thank thank God I didn't listen.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God I pushed through.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God I kept evolving.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because here I am.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've never been laid off.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have had a business for over 40 years, ups and downs, all around, all the wonderful things that go with it.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the hard part, but the wonderful things.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm inspiring others and helping others live the way that they want to and build the businesses and the success that they want to.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: So thank God I didn't listen.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: even when you know those words are wrong, they can leave questions behind in yourself.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: So for a period of my life, I answered the questions and that little self-doubt that had been planted in me repeatedly.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: I answered it by being strong, by doing everything myself, by proving that I did not need anybody.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that followed me not just in my personal life, but into my work, my businesses, my relationships, and the way I responded when somebody doubted me.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: It can even pop up from time to time.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the difference is that I recognize it and I'm able to choose how I move forward.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now you might recognize some version of this in yourself too.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your history is not the same as mine, but maybe you had to become some independent force yourself because the people you should have been able to rely on let you down.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe somewhere along the lines in your career, your experience, your knowledge started being questioned.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody underestimated you because you're a woman.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: That one strikes a nerve with me every time.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the poor fool that ever underestimates me, I will say.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you were underestimated because your age, or because you're a woman raising children, you're a mom, or you stayed at home, or you took a couple of years off from your career, or you changed careers, or you changed your path, or now you want to change your path, and it no longer looks what other people expect.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't look like theirs.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's be clear.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes women really are expected to prove themselves repeatedly, unreasonably, too.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: That pressure is not imaginary.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: The bias is out there, it 100% exists.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: People make assumptions, some rooms, some people, some situations, they just give you a lot less room for error than they would give someone else.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: But even when that kind of pressure presents itself, and it's pressure that you did not create, you still get to decide how much of your life you're going to organize around it.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, how can you tell when you are now stuck or you've moved into that proving mode?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: One sign's going to be that you might have a particular person or even an imaginary audience living in your head while you're making the decision.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'll show this one, where I can't wait until so-and-so sees this.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Wait until they see what I did.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're thinking about how it will look.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: What will they say, or whether they will finally recognize what you can do, or finally stop talking about you, or finally give you the promotion, or respect you, or whatever.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Another sign is that the result is never enough.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: You may also notice that you become more rigid.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: You stop being as curious, and then you get a little bit more set and rigid.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And any feedback coming your way starts to feel more like a threat than just simple feedback.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: So slowing down is going to feel in these moments, perhaps like you're losing, or changing direction might feel like you're giving somebody else the satisfaction of thinking that they were right.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you bypass the very things that would make your success even stronger.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: And instead, you push through instead of learning.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: You keep doing everything yourself instead of improving the system, or you keep delivering more and charging less because you want nobody to question your value.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: So you spend your energy looking committed and doing all the things and actually doing more and more and more instead of taking a pause and really evaluating whether the work you're doing is actually even creating the results that you want.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that approach costs you mentally, you can stay on alert, high alert, replaying conversations and second-guessing decisions.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Physically, the ongoing pressure, it might actually show up in your sleep or your tension, maybe your shoulders are up at your ears, energy, or even your ability to recover from things, recover from mental fatigue throughout the day, or recover from a cold.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: In your business, it can make you the bottleneck.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can actually become the bottleneck of your business.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then in your personal life, you might only be showing the people around you that strong version of yourself, making it very difficult for them to see anything else.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: So when we switch to improving versus proving, things start to feel different.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Improving does not mean that you find 10 more things wrong with yourself.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: It does not mean turning your life into, you know, another big self-improvement project.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Improving means being honest about what would make the situation better.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you do need to learn a new skill or need a better process in how you do things.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your prices do need to change.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need to have a direct conversation with somebody, or you need to admit that the goal itself is no longer a goal that you want.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: It no longer belongs to you at this stage in life.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes what needs improvement is not you at all.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's really your environment or the agreement or the expectations or the way the work happens to be structured.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to give you three questions to use when you feel that familiar push rising in you so that you can recognize what the motivation is.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: The first question is what am I trying to prove and to whom?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now be honest.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a former boss, a parent, a spouse?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can be 60 years old and still be feeling like you're trying to prove something to your dad because it can be underneath, or an old boss that planted something in there and you just never quite got over it.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a spouse?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Is it someone in your industry, or maybe even a younger version of yourself?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: How about are you trying to prove something to people who really are not even paying attention nearly as much as you think they are?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: People today in this day and age, they're really paying attention to their own things 99% of the time.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: The second question is what actually needs to improve?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Not what will look impressive, but what would create a better result?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need more knowledge, a clearer plan, a boundary, a better system, maybe it's more practice, or even a different decision?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then the third question is, what would I do differently if this decision did not need to prove anything about my worth?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's a biggie.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: What would I do differently if this decision did not need to prove anything about my worth?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now that one can change everything because maybe you would still pursue the same goal, but you would do it at a healthier pace.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or you would ask more questions.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you would take longer to really plan and prepare and be rock solid as you begin.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you would stop over delivering for fear of not being enough, still stuck in that proving mode.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you'd walk away from a room where you are continually asked to audition for respect.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, instead of proving that you can personally handle every client problem, you improve the client process.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of proving how generous you are by giving away more and more of your time, you improve the boundaries around what is included.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe instead of proving how hard you work, you improve the work that actually produces the result.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of proving that you can survive yet another exhausting period of time or season, maybe you improve the way the season is structured.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: So the honest question here is not really whether you're able to do all these things.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: You have likely already been doing all these things.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: You've already probably proved that over and over again.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are you able?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Are you capable?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: More than likely, yes.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: The question becomes: do you still need to prove that you can?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is it helping you build the next chapter of your life and business?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it something you can stop doing?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can start doing it differently, or maybe no longer use it as evidence of your value?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: This week, I want you to choose one direction, one responsibility or goal, and ask yourself: am I doing this because it will improve something that really matters?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it because I need to prove something about me?
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you discover that proving is driving the decision, you do not necessarily have to abandon the goal.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just change the fuel to get there.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Decide what actually needs to improve and then put your energy there.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're recognizing that the way that you've built your success is asking a little too much of you, then I invite you to join the priority list for my next sustainable success accelerator.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is for women who want to strengthen and grow their businesses without continuing to prove their commitment through exhaustion, overwork, or sacrifice.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can visit me at fredericadavis.com, join the priority list, be the first to receive the details.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can also grab your free reset there.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for spending part of your day with me today.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.