Latest / Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss / Beyond the Unthinkable: A Mother’s Journey Through Child Loss, Grief, Trauma & Healing with Melissa Hull
Transcript
- 0:12Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
- 0:19host Bernice Quisenberry. Welcome to Cry It Out Loud, a
- 0:28podcast by Chasing the Rainbows, where we honor every story of
- 0:31loss and shine a light on the path toward healing.
- 0:34Today's guest is someone whose journey through grief has
- 0:37touched countless lives. Melissa Hall after the tragic
- 0:40loss of her four year old son in a drowning accident.
- 0:43Melissa spent the last 20 years on a path of heartbreak,
- 0:46resilience, and transformation. Out of her pain, she created the
- 0:49Greater Than Grief Movement, a coaching practice, a podcast,
- 0:54and sooner upcoming book, Dear Drew, Creating a Life Bigger
- 0:57Than Grief. Melissa has been featured in USA
- 1:00TODAY, Forbes, CNBCMSNBC, and most recently on FOX 5 Live, and
- 1:08she continues to share a message that resonates with so many.
- 1:11Grief doesn't define us. The choices we make in its
- 1:14presence do. Melissa, thank you for being
- 1:17here today. I know our listeners will be
- 1:19moved and inspired by your story, your wisdom, and the way
- 1:21you've redefined grief as an invitation to live fully.
- 1:26Thank you. Well, thank you so much for
- 1:29having me today. I've, I've been really looking
- 1:32forward to this podcast interview.
- 1:33So I just once again, I want to thank you for inviting me and I
- 1:37look forward to our conversation.
- 1:40Oh, well, thank you so much, Melissa.
- 1:42That means a lot. And yes, I would love for you to
- 1:44start by our guests and listeners, you know, getting to
- 1:48know you. Sure.
- 1:50So my name is Melissa Hall. I am the mother of three amazing
- 1:54children, one who resides in heaven.
- 1:58My journey began with loss and bereavement at an early age.
- 2:04My mother was a cancer patient when I was 10 years old, and she
- 2:08had to move away from our home for the treatment that she
- 2:12needed because our community was too small and we didn't have the
- 2:14right doctors for her. And so I, my introduction to
- 2:18grief was one that was really based in a lot of fear, a lot of
- 2:22anxiety. I was 10 years old.
- 2:26So that was, you know, 40 years ago.
- 2:28And cancer was a very different diagnosis back then.
- 2:31The prognosis wasn't expected to be very good for my mother.
- 2:38So I lived with this anticipation of loss and really
- 2:43created a story in my mind that grief was something that I
- 2:46needed to fear and avoid at all cost.
- 2:50Because the outcome and the reality of losing my mother at
- 2:54the time was so much more than my my little heart could handle.
- 3:00So in in some ways, I think when when the accident with my son
- 3:05happened later, I had this ingrained belief system around
- 3:11loss and bereavement and grief, one that didn't serve me well.
- 3:15But what happened on the morning of my son's accident?
- 3:21I was married, a young mother. I was 29 years old at the time
- 3:26and I had these two amazing little boys that were 15 months
- 3:29apart. Drew was the oldest and he was
- 3:32my absolute wild child. He just, he lived so fully every
- 3:38minute of his life. And on this particular morning,
- 3:43his younger brother Devin had asthma as a toddler.
- 3:46And I had been up for a few days giving him breathing treatments,
- 3:49just trying like heck to avoid having to take my 2 little boys
- 3:53to the emergency room because I knew Drew would not sit still
- 3:57and and behave when my husband was out of town at the time.
- 4:01So I had been just up doing what we moms do, taking care of my
- 4:06little boys. And on this particular morning,
- 4:09after a very long night of breathing treatments with Devin
- 4:13Drew, who always woke up at the crack of dawn, and we actually
- 4:17had a little rule and he couldn't get out of his bed
- 4:21until the sun was actually up in the sky.
- 4:23He had to wait for the sun to be up in the sky.
- 4:26So on this morning, he ran into my bedroom where Devin was
- 4:30laying next to me and he said, Mama, Mama, the sun is up.
- 4:34It's time to get up. It's time to get up and I'm so
- 4:38tired. I'm like just so tired.
- 4:42But I said he's right, the sun is up.
- 4:44That's the rule. So I got up with him and he had
- 4:48two requests for breakfast. He wanted Rocky red ice cream
- 4:51and beef raviolis. So we settled on some beef
- 4:55raviolis and I got him his his plate of food.
- 5:00He wanted to watch Thomas the Tank Engine.
- 5:02So I turned on his favorite program, give him some plans and
- 5:05paper to draw. And I said, hey, sweetheart,
- 5:07I've got to go back and check on Devin now because he hasn't been
- 5:09feeling well. And he said, OK, Mama.
- 5:13And I said I will be right back. And those are, you know, those
- 5:18last words. Yeah.
- 5:20There's the last words I said to my son is I'll be right back,
- 5:23sweetheart. So I go back to my bedroom and I
- 5:26can see Devin is just really struggling to breathe.
- 5:29And I can't give him another breathing treatment because it's
- 5:32not. It's too soon.
- 5:33So I just kind of sit beside him on my side, just kind of patting
- 5:37his back. And I must have inadvertently
- 5:41fallen asleep because I woke up. And when I woke up, I it was in
- 5:45like a panicked state. I knew.
- 5:47I knew instantly that I needed to go find Drew because the
- 5:51house was really quiet and that's just not normal when Drew
- 5:54is in the house. So as I started to look for him,
- 5:58I looked in all the usual hiding places, you know, under the bed
- 6:01hind curtains, you know, in closets.
- 6:05And I, I couldn't find him. And as I'm looking for him, the
- 6:11panic is now growing and I'm starting to really become very
- 6:16fearful that something is wrong. And then I saw that the back
- 6:20door was open ever so slightly. And then I thought, OK, great.
- 6:23He's just outside. He's outside because he loved to
- 6:26be outside. He, he was, he was, you know, he
- 6:29was only four and a half at the time.
- 6:31And he left to climb trees and get up on the roof like this
- 6:34child. Just, he was a handful.
- 6:36Like he just had No Fear and all this energy and all these
- 6:40creative ideas of how he's going to spend his time.
- 6:43So I'm outside thinking, OK, I, I looked in the trees, I looked
- 6:48around the property and then I happened to notice as I'm crying
- 6:52out for him, Drew, mommy's looking for you.
- 6:54Please let me know where you are.
- 6:56I'm getting scared. I happened to walk towards the
- 6:59front of our property and I noticed our dogs were running
- 7:04toward me. So they were away from the
- 7:06property, running back toward it.
- 7:09And I looked at, as they got closer, I looked at them and one
- 7:13of them was completely wet. And I thought, what in the heck?
- 7:17Why are you? Why are you wet?
- 7:20And then I thought, Oh my God, the irrigation canal.
- 7:25And I looked down at the ground and I could see my son's
- 7:29footprints headed towards that irrigation canal.
- 7:33And so in that moment, I recognized my son was in great
- 7:37danger. And I ran immediately to this
- 7:40irrigation canal, which is common in my community because
- 7:43we have such large agricultural enterprises here.
- 7:49And when I arrived at the canal, I could see the evidence of
- 7:55where some dirt had broken away from the top embankment.
- 8:01And there was a splash on the the canal on, you know, that I
- 8:05could see. And I just knew he had fallen
- 8:07in. And so I dropped to my knees and
- 8:11I remember begging God to please, please, please help me
- 8:15find him and to please let him be OK.
- 8:20It was about this time that a gentleman drove by and I begged
- 8:24him to call the authorities because I just ran out of the
- 8:27house. I didn't bring a phone.
- 8:29I, I just was searching for my child and he did call the
- 8:33authorities and because Devin was back at home, I said I've
- 8:38got to go back and go get my son to bring him with me to, to look
- 8:42for Drew. And by the time I reached the
- 8:46home and got the Devin that my house was just full of police
- 8:50and fire department, the Sheriff's Department and then
- 8:55friends and family started to arrive.
- 8:57My husband at the time was away on business, so it took him a
- 9:01few hours to come home. And as we were all searching or
- 9:07they were all searching, they wanted me to stay at the house
- 9:10with Devin. And so I did.
- 9:12And it was probably about five hours later that my father came
- 9:19and sat next to me and he put his arm around me.
- 9:22And in that moment, I, I just, I knew.
- 9:25And he said, Miss, I'm so sorry. They found him and he's gone.
- 9:30And I, I remember thinking in that moment after, you know,
- 9:37this, this devastating wave of unimaginable pain, just
- 9:41unimaginable sorrow just overcame me.
- 9:46I just thought, my life will never be the same.
- 9:50It will never. I will never be happy again.
- 9:53That was that was almost that instant kind of narrative that
- 9:57my mind took me to. And the reason I brought up my
- 10:01my childhood is because I think my relationship with grief, that
- 10:05story was so present that that's why I had that initial thought.
- 10:10I was preparing myself for this life of misery, this life of
- 10:15disappointment, this life of despair, this life of anguish
- 10:20and uncertainty because the accident really robbed my sense
- 10:25of safety. It really like, it really
- 10:28challenged my ability to feel safe in a world that I can't
- 10:32predict or control outcomes in. And so from that point forward,
- 10:39you know, it, it, it was a tough Rd.
- 10:41You know, my husband and I, we on the surface and to everybody
- 10:46who knew us, we look like we're doing fine.
- 10:48But we had cracks in our foundation and our marriage and
- 10:52the grief, we grieved in entirely different ways.
- 10:56And because I was the parent that was home that, you know,
- 11:00and I fell asleep, there was some blame.
- 11:04There was some blame for a period of time.
- 11:06And it just became really obvious that we needed to take
- 11:10some time apart. And so a month after Drew's
- 11:12burial, my husband made the decision and, and I, and I, I
- 11:17understood the decision, but I can't say I was in support of
- 11:20it, but I understood his need for some space.
- 11:23And so he made the decision to leave.
- 11:25And that is when that story that I had told myself in that moment
- 11:30really started to manifest. I was living my worst nightmare.
- 11:34I'd lost my son and now my husband.
- 11:37I'm not sure if I'm going to have a marriage.
- 11:38I'm not sure if I'm going to be forgiven.
- 11:41All I know is that I don't know how to handle this life.
- 11:44I didn't ask for this life. I don't know what to do with all
- 11:47of this pain. And I certainly didn't have any
- 11:50internal resources at the time to really process all of the
- 11:56losses that I was going through at that time.
- 11:59So my, my journey with grief in that moment was one of self
- 12:06hatred and blame shame because I felt like it was my fault and
- 12:12responsibility that I had failed as a mother, that I, I wasn't
- 12:17even sure if I felt confident to continue raising my, you know,
- 12:22raising Devin. And I really struggled mentally
- 12:25for a time. And I remember at my lowest
- 12:29point, which was the first time that Joey had come to pick Devin
- 12:33up to stay with him for a night at his new home.
- 12:37I remember saying goodbye to Devin and sitting on my sofa and
- 12:41holding a picture of Drew close to my heart and saying, God, I
- 12:44can't do it. I can't do this.
- 12:47I just can't carry it all. So I had this, you know, I, I'm
- 12:51not going to say that I hadn't been considering ending my life
- 12:55before this, But there was this moment of really kind of that
- 12:58dark night of the soul where I was at that crossroads.
- 13:00What am I going to do? Am I going to give in to this?
- 13:04Am I going to succumb to this or, or do I want to try to fight
- 13:09through it? And honestly, at the time, I was
- 13:11leaning more towards just letting this life go.
- 13:14And then I, I paused and, and I was crying and I sent Drew's
- 13:19picture down. And I remember looking at the
- 13:21coffee table and there were some condolence cards that I hadn't
- 13:25opened yet. And I knew what they were and I
- 13:27just didn't. I just couldn't bring myself to
- 13:29read one more, you know, I'm sorry for your loss kind of
- 13:34card. So there was this business
- 13:36envelope, a white business envelope that was addressed to
- 13:40me. It just and it was handwritten.
- 13:42There was no like it wasn't mailed somebody.
- 13:44Somehow it got to my home and I don't know if it was dropped off
- 13:47and somebody brought it into the house, but it said to the mother
- 13:50of Drew Gallimore and that's all it said.
- 13:53And I'm like, well, what the heck is this?
- 13:55So I pick it up and I open this letter.
- 13:57And it was a letter from another mother in my community, or at
- 14:01least I believe in my community, who was reaching out because she
- 14:09lost her daughter to an accidental car accident.
- 14:13They were ready to go to school and she had left her purse in
- 14:17the house, so they had gone to the car.
- 14:18She said, sweetheart, I left my keys in the house.
- 14:20So she went back into the house to get her keys.
- 14:22And she's explaining this in her letter.
- 14:24And her little girl somehow ran into the road and was struck by
- 14:29a, a, a vehicle passing by. And she wrote to me and she
- 14:34explained in the most eloquent way that she understood the kind
- 14:39of pain that I was going through from the perspective of feeling
- 14:43responsible and feeling the shame and the guilt and the the
- 14:49blame for what had happened. She said, I, I, I understand
- 14:53that you're probably feeling those emotions.
- 14:55I know I did. And then she said, but I want to
- 14:58encourage you to hold on to the beautiful memories of your son
- 15:02and let and let love and joy be your compass forward.
- 15:07She said you will have to choose it and it will be a daily
- 15:10choice. It will be something that will
- 15:11feel like you're taking a few steps forward and maybe 1000
- 15:15steps back in one day. But you have to point your
- 15:18compass toward joy and happiness.
- 15:21It's the only way forward in, in to bring your son's love with
- 15:25you. And so I, I, I, I, I have this
- 15:31letter in this woman's message of hope at my crossroads, at
- 15:35this pivotal moment in my, my life.
- 15:38And I decided to live. I decided, OK, I, if, if, if she
- 15:45can do this and it. And she went on to talk about
- 15:48what her life was like today and that she was living with meaning
- 15:53and fulfillment and that she, you know, found, you know,
- 15:56community service and outreach as a, as a healing mechanism for
- 16:00her. And at the time, water safety
- 16:04education and canal safety awareness was not something that
- 16:07was going on in my community. And so that was the decision I
- 16:11made. I made the choice in that moment
- 16:13that I was going to not only live, but if I was going to live
- 16:17that I was going to bring Drew's amazing, you know, life along
- 16:23with me. And so I started talking about
- 16:26water safety education to the most at risk demographic, which
- 16:30are little boys and little girls under the age of five.
- 16:33And little boys are at the top of that demographic for being
- 16:37most at risk. And so I started talking to his
- 16:42preschool and his friends 1st and then I branched off into
- 16:45other, you know, preschools in the area.
- 16:48And that's how I began to walk forward with grief in a new way,
- 16:55in a different way, with the intentional decision that I
- 17:00didn't know how I would get there, but that my goal in my,
- 17:05my desire was to not let the pain and the agony of losing my
- 17:10son be the end of his story or my life.
- 17:13And so that's when I decided to just intentionally find ways to
- 17:18bring him more into my world through the work that I do and I
- 17:25and honestly, I've never stopped.
- 17:27It's definitely changed and evolved.
- 17:29I went from talking about water safety education to eventually
- 17:33writing my first book, Lessons from Neverland.
- 17:37And that that was based on the, the one year where I spent every
- 17:42day for one year writing Drew a letter.
- 17:45And so dear Drew, my book, Dear Drew, Creating a Life Bigger
- 17:49than Grief is really, it's chronicled from partly those
- 17:54letters that I wrote to him and the other part, what I've
- 17:57learned and what I did to support myself to attain that
- 18:02goal of living a life of empowerment, fulfilment,
- 18:06meaning, and actually like absolute joy.
- 18:11I live a much different life now because I have taken the time to
- 18:17let grief be one of the most profound teachers of my life.
- 18:24And how you've just used it well, instead of shape so many
- 18:27different aspects of your life because it is, it's at times
- 18:31it's so overwhelming, it swallows you whole.
- 18:35And to take that and then now, you know, educate and advocate
- 18:40for, you know, others and to help them and to feel seen and
- 18:45heard, but also, you know, awareness around being proactive
- 18:49and things like that. It's huge.
- 18:52Well, thank you. I, it's, it's, it's truly the
- 18:56most meaningful work I, I think I could ever find or do it, it,
- 19:01it's brought me a lot of healing, honestly, connecting
- 19:06with other, other parents or people that have lost a
- 19:12significant beloved or loved one or spouse or sibling.
- 19:19I, I, I've talked with thousands of people and the one, the one
- 19:24question that I kept hearing was how, how did you do this?
- 19:30Because when they would meet me, I wasn't downtrodden and
- 19:34depressed and my energy levels were upbeat and I was happy,
- 19:38truly happy. Because I'm, I'm fulfilling my
- 19:41purpose, which is to bring Drew's beautiful life forward in
- 19:46such a way that it helps prevent future water.
- 19:49You know Future Drownings helps to educate parents around the
- 19:56lesser known and acknowledged water hazards.
- 20:02And so I felt like we were together making this
- 20:05contribution, but the how part, the how part was hard for me to
- 20:09answer. I didn't like I, I didn't
- 20:11necessarily stop and think, well, what did I do at this
- 20:15particular juncture that really did help me kind of mend this
- 20:19heart or end that cycle of questions that were really
- 20:23limiting or self punishing. What did I do?
- 20:26And once again, I turned to my, you know, turned back to my
- 20:29writing, my journaling, and it was very clear.
- 20:33I, you know, the, the different approaches that I took.
- 20:36I tried so many things. I was a curious griever.
- 20:40Like I went to drumming ceremonies.
- 20:43I went to, you know, healing or you know, healing like Sajana
- 20:50where they they the energy and the vortex and I drove into
- 20:54everything greatly so cellular release healing.
- 20:59And then I went on to study it and it become certified in these
- 21:03different modalities along with traditional therapy and the
- 21:07support of my faith community and my family.
- 21:11I forged this very, you know, zigzaggy kind of path towards
- 21:17what supported me. But I wrote it down.
- 21:20And so I had, I had a lot of information to pull from.
- 21:24So while I was asked by all of these people the how I didn't
- 21:27have an answer in that moment, but I intentionally took the
- 21:30time to go back and answer that question.
- 21:32And I started with that first moment.
- 21:35How did I go from that, that belief that my life was over and
- 21:38that I would never find any sort of joy or happiness and I
- 21:41deserved, you know, that I was just the worst mother in the
- 21:45world to knowing that not only was IA loving mother before the
- 21:52accident, I was a loving mother the day of the accident and I'm
- 21:55a loving mother today. None of that has ever changed.
- 21:59All that has changed is what I believe about myself.
- 22:02And that was and so I just did. I started to really dive into
- 22:08what helped me shift and and release a lot of those old
- 22:14experiences and old fears around what grief had to mean and let
- 22:20it teach me. And the lessons are beautiful if
- 22:24you allow for them to become that.
- 22:27I understand. And I am not here to say that it
- 22:30doesn't hurt it This process hurt.
- 22:33It hurt like hell. It brought me to the brink more
- 22:37than once. But there was always this thread
- 22:43of this idea of a future that would be joyful, that could be
- 22:49light, and that I could make a positive difference even even
- 22:53though my son wouldn't be physically here.
- 22:56How could I take our love in his life and his legacy and let it
- 23:01be a tribute to him? And that's what I, that's what
- 23:05really began to shape or reshape my relationship with grief.
- 23:09I never, I never understood why people would say that grief was,
- 23:16you know, something we'd go through.
- 23:18And it's like love with nowhere to go.
- 23:20I actually never felt like that. I always felt like no, no, no,
- 23:25no. Grief is the presence of loves
- 23:28in art. It's it's it's Love's presence
- 23:32in and it's begging our consciousness to reach beyond
- 23:37the pain and to acknowledge the love always remains.
- 23:42The one thing I know for sure is that love will always outlast
- 23:48life. It will remain long after we are
- 23:51not here and the left that we have for our children continues.
- 23:55Even though we are in the situation that no parent wants
- 24:00to be in and we have lost them, it doesn't mean that we've lost
- 24:05them entirely. We've lost the physical, you
- 24:08know, human connection. But the love and the that that
- 24:13infinite love that will always remain is where I found more
- 24:19peace in this journey than anywhere else is just really
- 24:23rejecting this idea that grief has to be this place where only
- 24:27love disappears. No grief.
- 24:29Grief was my my consciousness challenging my life story and
- 24:35experiences and the narratives that I created and really
- 24:40calling me forward into a different relationship, not only
- 24:43with myself, but with grief and then with the world.
- 24:47And so it just, it profoundly changed me and the work that I
- 24:52wanted to do. And I wanted to start writing to
- 24:55people like myself. And so I started writing blogs
- 25:00and I wrote my first book and my first book, you know, presented
- 25:04opportunities for me to start to become a public speaker.
- 25:08And I travelled the world. I'm sharing my story of
- 25:12overcoming adversities into finding, you know, a purpose.
- 25:17Maybe not the chosen purpose, but a purpose that has truly
- 25:22shaped my life in a healthy, positive and profoundly peaceful
- 25:28and loving way. And you're, you're spot on.
- 25:31I mean, just to name a couple things.
- 25:34You know, when you're sharing about grief and it not being
- 25:36linear, right? Like our journey with it either
- 25:39is the healing process or, or because we need to feel our
- 25:43feelings to continue with healing.
- 25:45And when you're going through that, sometimes journaling may
- 25:49work, sometimes, sometimes mindful movement may work, you
- 25:52know, and, and it really just depends on what you find for
- 25:56comfort in those in those moments.
- 25:58But also we are what we think, right?
- 26:02So then you having this way of using journaling to like in a
- 26:06healthy way, then start to tell yourself, right, because that
- 26:10shame, blame and guilt just can eat you alive.
- 26:12And if you stay in that space, but to be around others who
- 26:16understand and are your true support systems to help you see
- 26:20your value when you can in those darkest moments.
- 26:23And then also to start to re like train your brain to then
- 26:28start to think differently and then turn it into something so
- 26:33beautiful when you like repurpose your pain into helping
- 26:38others, Melissa, and not allowing it to keep you down and
- 26:41to keep you in a depressed state.
- 26:44And now you celebrate Drew's life.
- 26:45You honor him out loud by helping others is just.
- 26:50Thank you. Thank you so much.
- 26:54I'm, I'm very grateful for the life that I've had.
- 27:01And I say that and I understand what I'm saying.
- 27:04I am grateful for it all. I, I love the woman that I have
- 27:10become because of my experiences with grades.
- 27:16I am so clear on what is important.
- 27:20I understand the value of being truly present with the people
- 27:24that I love. And I also know that I don't
- 27:28wait. I don't wait to say it.
- 27:30If I, if I, if I love you, you're going to hear it 1000
- 27:33times, you know, and I'm going to, I'm going to hug you.
- 27:37I'm going to want to gather and be with you because I have come
- 27:41to realize that the most valuable things that I have are
- 27:46in the memories of the moments that I shared, not just with
- 27:50Drew, but with every person that has meaning in my life.
- 27:54And so I made I, I don't know where I heard the phrase, but it
- 27:59really resonated with me. I wanted to become a moments
- 28:04millionaire. I wanted a million moments with
- 28:08the people that I love, with the places that renew my soul, that
- 28:13bring me peace. I wanted a million of those
- 28:17moments to hold onto. And then I also recognized that
- 28:21what I was doing was giving those people also the same gift
- 28:26that I was receiving, which was I have all of these beautiful
- 28:29memories of my son. I actually want those memories
- 28:33with every single person that I know.
- 28:35And when my life ends and when I transition, I want my legacy to
- 28:41be that. She lived with purpose, she
- 28:45lived with love, and she loved big.
- 28:48That's what I want. Purposefully living.
- 28:52Oh my goodness, we had a whole episode on it months ago.
- 28:55But it's so true with this shapes you into then like your
- 29:00time, your time is so you realize it's so valuable.
- 29:03So who you spend it with, what you spend doing with it.
- 29:06That's the only thing. Like when, you know, we hear
- 29:10about people who are about to pass away and they're on their,
- 29:13you know, last moments and they say, you know, I wish I had more
- 29:16time. They never say, you know, I wish
- 29:17I worked more. I wish I had more money.
- 29:19It comes down to those moments and getting as many as you can
- 29:23in and it's so true. Now living with that purpose and
- 29:29you're intentionally living. Absolutely.
- 29:34And you know, I feel I feel inspired to say something right
- 29:37now. I'm sure that a lot of your
- 29:40listeners are probably at the beginning phases of their
- 29:43journey with grief. And one of the most helpful
- 29:47things that was ever said to me was that grief can be the
- 29:53reflection of love. It's, it's not, it's, it's the
- 29:57shadow side of Love's brilliance or the mirror reflection of the
- 30:02beauty and the uniqueness of the person that we lost.
- 30:07And so if we can, if we can find a way to look at it in that
- 30:12context, for me, it was it was validation of just how special
- 30:20my connection with my son was and just how beautiful his life
- 30:25was and how beautiful he was. And it stopped being this thing
- 30:28that I felt like I had to get away from.
- 30:31And I actually started to let it be something that I could sit
- 30:34with because it stopped being this this message of punishment.
- 30:38And it started to be the testament, the testament of what
- 30:43was what would always remain, which is the love that we shared
- 30:47between us. And I think it's really
- 30:49important to give people that message, especially early on,
- 30:55because there are a lot of, there are a lot of things that
- 30:58society tells us there's a lot of, you know, there's a lot of
- 31:01well meaning platitudes and, and phrases that we hear a lot,
- 31:05right? Yes.
- 31:08I always found that the most helpful were about the
- 31:12acknowledgement, not shying away from the reality of what I was
- 31:15dealing with, but also the acknowledgement that pain wasn't
- 31:19the only story that was being told here.
- 31:22That if I could, I was experiencing pain and my
- 31:25emotions were definitely, you know, harder to, to, you know,
- 31:29to, to move forward at times because it, it does hurt our
- 31:33hearts break it in that weight that we feel.
- 31:37I was feeling all of those things, but when I could tap
- 31:41into that truth, that Love's brilliance, if there is a
- 31:48shadow, it is in that when we lose someone that we treasure,
- 31:53that is that that there's a painful separation.
- 31:56But it doesn't mean that love is absent.
- 31:59It means that love is evident, that love is present.
- 32:03And that was where I truly found I started to grow, not only in
- 32:08my capacity to hold space for my pain, but to hold space for the
- 32:13idea that maybe there was a new way for me to to operate inside
- 32:21of this experience and to stop seeing it just as the worst day
- 32:25that ever happened to me. But to start to see it as the
- 32:28day I was being asked to become this person that you see before
- 32:32you today. It was an invitation.
- 32:34It was an invitation to expand beyond the circumstances and to
- 32:38allow my son's love and my love for my son to become a driving
- 32:43force in my desire to move forward.
- 32:47Not move on, but move forward and to bring him with me.
- 32:50That is how I began to do it. Oh, Melissa, thank you for
- 32:55sharing that. Oh, I, oh, just sharing all of
- 32:59it really tugs on the heartstrings.
- 33:02And to see you here today and how you share about it, just for
- 33:06a lack of a better word, beautifully, I mean.
- 33:09Thank you. Yes, thank you.
- 33:11Is there anything that you want to leave our listeners with any
- 33:16words of wisdom, you know, hearing, you know, and also
- 33:20where your book can be found? Of course you know the links up
- 33:24and everything in our podcast description.
- 33:26Sure. I want every person that's
- 33:29listening to this podcast to know that I speak from a place
- 33:33of truth. I am speaking from my own
- 33:36testimony of what grief has become in my life.
- 33:40It is my hope, my hope that my book can can serve you in some
- 33:45way because it is possible. Is is as much as you may not
- 33:50believe that in this moment, I want to challenge you and I want
- 33:53to be an example that you can. You can make the choice to honor
- 34:00your loved one by living a vibrant life and it is not a
- 34:04betrayal. It is the most loving and
- 34:08beautiful tribute to the person that you want to honor by living
- 34:13fully, living freely, and celebrating all of the love and
- 34:18the joy that you got to experience because of their
- 34:23existence. And hold on to that love even
- 34:27when it feels like it's outside of your reach.
- 34:29To close your eyes, put your hand on your heart and say to
- 34:33yourself, I have not lost you. I need to find you in search for
- 34:38you differently. Help me to find your presence in
- 34:40this moment. And then just be.
- 34:43And I promise you, it is a miraculous thing that happens.
- 34:47Your heart opens up, your mind quiets, and you can just feel
- 34:52them come into the room with you.
- 34:54And that love is so present, that is my greatest hope, is
- 34:58that people understand that grief is an invitation to expand
- 35:02beyond what we have come to think of grief as being.
- 35:06It is a beckoning, A beckoning for our consciousness to
- 35:10acknowledge that love is ever present.
- 35:13We just have to seek it differently.
- 35:17Melissa, just thank you for sharing your heart and your
- 35:20story with us today. You're very welcome.
- 35:23I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to be with your
- 35:26community, so thank you very much.
- 35:28Yes, and just sharing so openly and honestly, that's what we're
- 35:32about here and you know, going through the pain, but also, you
- 35:37know, still having your love in different ways now and how
- 35:41profound it is just really comes across and I can't thank you
- 35:45enough for that. Well, I appreciate the
- 35:47opportunity to be here and the work that I do.
- 35:51I, I have resources on water safety education and I write a
- 35:55weekly blog to support grievers. My website is my, my name,
- 35:59melissahall.com and there are tons of resources there.
- 36:04I have communities where we, we support each other and I come
- 36:07and I talk and, and I share more of my journey.
- 36:11So if anyone listening would like to find more support, they
- 36:14can certainly find me on social media or going straight to my
- 36:17website. And you can also find the links
- 36:20to my book Dear Drew, Creating a Life Bigger Than Grief there as
- 36:23well. Oh, that's great.
- 36:24Thank you, Melissa. Your journey, yes.
- 36:28And your journey does remind us. While grief never truly leaves
- 36:31us, it can also be a source of strength, transformation and
- 36:35compassion. So thank you.
- 36:37You're. Very welcome.
- 36:39For our listeners, if you are grieving or searching for ways
- 36:42to get involved, we want to know who you are and that you're not
- 36:45alone. At Cheese and the Rainbows, our
- 36:47mission is to ensure that every baby loss matters.
- 36:49So if you need support or if you'd like to join us in raising
- 36:52awareness and honoring families, please visit
- 36:54babylossawareness.org. And until next time, we are
- 36:57always with you. We see you, we are you, and
- 37:01we'll talk to you soon.