Latest / The Family Teams Podcast / Ep. 317 | Should You Spy on Your Kid's Phone?

Transcript

Ep. 317 | Should You Spy on Your Kid's Phone? · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  I think it's actually important to, when you give that to your children, say, and I am going to be checking what you do with this phone. Yeah.
• 0:11
  What's up, guys? Welcome back to 5-Minute Fatherhood. So, Jeff, I want to talk to you about this really interesting conversation that I saw online. And it started with somebody writing, If you're a parent and you go through your teenager's phone, you're a bad parent. And I was like, ooh, wow, this is going to be a good conversation. So I jumped in and, you know...
• 0:31
  It's an interesting dilemma that we have in this day and age because there is something to what this person is saying, right? It's like if you give your kids a phone and your kids start to do lots of things with a phone that maybe you would not approve of –
• 0:50
  And suddenly you, because there's lots of ways you can kind of grab the phone, spy on your kids. And so there was a conversation that was going on in this forum where, you know, most people, of course, were agreeing with what this person is saying. Yeah, privacy, don't invade your kids' privacy. Then, of course, some people were like, wait, they're your kids. You know, you need to know what's going on with them. And what I was kind of engaging in, and I'm curious what your thoughts are, is I just think when you give your kids technology where they could be private, it's computer or phone. Yeah.
• 1:19
  I think it's actually important to when you give that to your children, say, and I am going to be checking what you do with this phone. Nothing you do with this phone is private. It's sort of like the terms and service that you might sign when you go to a website. Hey, this information is not private. It is going to be shared. I am going to be checking in.
• 1:42
  And so be aware of that. And then regularly doing that, like checking on, checking the history, like making sure that your kids know that this is there are things I'm going to be doing to make sure that if you can give it, give some privacy to your kids. But man, if you're not going to do that, then let them know up front. And that's kind of how we've done it. But yeah, Jeff, any thoughts about how to deal with technology, privacy and kids? Because this is going to be a big topic.
• 2:07
  Totally, totally. I mean, I think, yeah, you said it all. I think one of the it's for the main thing is expectations, right? Like just expectations. I know I know another family who's solid and, you know, and their kids are older and teenagers and like, yeah, every kid gets a contract like a legitimate like here's the here's the terms of this agreement. Here's what I expect from you. If any of these are violated.
• 2:27
  here's the probation, here's the longer one, and here's the kind of final straw. You know, and it just says it. Like there's no... And what's great too is I feel like you even see that in business. You see that in marriage. Like if the expectations are set, it actually tends to create less conflict and fighting because it's just like everyone just is more of a...
• 2:45
  just submitting to the external reality of the rules. It's not like, I'm not, I'm not mad against you. I'm just like, this is what we all signed up for, you know? And so I think that is big. So yeah, I think, but I think I'll say two more things. I think the one is, yes, there's the seed of the idea that's here is on the one side. Well, there's two sides here that I'm, I'm, I'm wrestling with, or that I think just both have to be true. The first one is another, another way I would put it is your kid doesn't have a phone.
• 3:12
  Like your kid, you have a phone that you probably bought, right? That you own, that you pay for, that they are renting, right? Right. And just like a house, like that's my house. I'm the one that comes in and says, if I want to change the fridge or change the oven, I'm the one that says you're getting evicted, right? Like it's just like all, like it's, it's not your house. You're, you're renting and I make all the rules and I own this asset.
• 3:36
  But I want it to serve you right now. And that's why you have it. And so I think that's a philosophy that should be true. And then lastly, on the other side of the conversation, I do think the seed of the truth that's here is that.
• 3:52
  The worst possible thing a parent can usually do is treat a 17-year-old like a 7-year-old. And that includes emotionally, with friends, socially, their dreams, their hopes. And privacy not in the sense of that we have secrets. Like no family should have secrets. But privacy in the sense of like I'm not micromanaging your life.
• 4:12
  Because I have discipled you in a way where I trust you. And so that's the issue is it's a trust issue is the way that you're snooping in your kid's phone or whatever, you know, showing a certain amount of trust. Right. But that doesn't necessarily. But again, it gets back to expectations because you totally.
• 4:30
  should be able to look if you said this is like, I actually have a hard time with this as a 30 year old. So I don't believe you can steward this well. And that's not a trust issue. That's a brain development issue. That's a new innovation issue. That's a technology issue. That's a, you know, like it's expectations and communication again. So I think, um, so if there's this, you get to this context where you're kind of snooping and it's secretive and you're like looking and then they're upset and, um,
• 4:52
  You know, all these things to me that just usually shows like, oh, there's probably a battle that was lost like five years ago. You know what I mean? Like for lack of a better term. And that's kind of the heart of this. And so just getting super intense about it is not going to solve it either. So I don't know if that fully rounds it off, but that's kind of how I see all the sides of it.
• 5:09
  Yeah, I totally agree that your job when you have a teenager, the most important thing is to have that child's heart. And if you create a situation with their phone, with their friends, with their privacy, where it's eroding their trust in you and their desire to share with you and that you create a sneaking atmosphere. And, you know, that's what I think is really dangerous about this. It's not that you don't have every right to.
• 5:33
  to violate your kid's privacy, quote unquote. It's that if you do that in a way that they weren't expecting, you could be creating a culture in your family where of sneaking of, you know, and so that's the kind of thing you have to be really careful about. You want to have your child's heart
• 5:49
  And I think the way you said it is the best way to do that when it comes to a phone and say, this is my phone. Hey, I'd love for you to be able to use this, by the way, because it's mine. I'm going to, you know, I'm checking on it. The apps that are on it are going to be approved or disapproved by me. This is going to be a constant conversation. This is not a license for you to do whatever you want with this, etc. So that having those expectations, writing them out in a contract, which we've done as well, I think is really, really helpful.