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Affective Presence: How to Influence the Mood and Improve Your Impact · Unspoken Career Truths

0:00
Welcome to Unspoken Career Truths.
0:02
I'm Lauren Levette Gilbert. And I'm.
0:04
Cara Wood and we're here to be the coworkers you can trust.
0:09
Hello, Lauren. Hey.
0:11
Cara, how's it going? Good.
0:13
I'm super excited. We're kicking off the month of
0:16
skill building and yeah, we're gonna March forward and just
0:22
improve everybody's skills. I see what you did there 'cause
0:25
it's March. Nicely done.
0:27
Can't, can't pass a pun. And we're going to talk about
0:32
how to improve your effective presence.
0:35
What is effective presence, you might be asking?
0:38
I know I certainly did when I first heard the term.
0:40
It's your ability to impact mood.
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So do people feel energized, calm, supported or seen?
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Do you spread anxiety, tension or exhaustion?
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It's all in kind of how you show up.
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So we're going to talk about how to understand the impact you
0:55
have, how to read and react to the mood in the meeting or just
0:59
even in exchange and conversations that you're
1:01
having. And then most importantly, the
1:04
ways to get better at effective presence so that you can
1:08
actually improve and influence outcomes in your workplace.
1:12
And Cara, I didn't actually know that that's what effective
1:15
presence was, but now that we started talking about it and we
1:18
were preparing for this, I think it's so, so, so important.
1:21
And it's like a definitely an unspoken truth or something
1:24
that's unspoken about, but super, super important.
1:27
So I'm excited for this one. Yeah, you're so right.
1:29
I mean, I feel like it's a skill that is not talked about at all
1:33
and it's plays a role in every interaction we have.
1:36
And I also, one of the other things that I thought of with
1:40
effective presence was it's sort of sometimes treated like this
1:43
pre-existing trait, but it actually shows up in a ton of
1:46
other ways. Like it can impact how you have
1:50
difficult conversations. It can impact your ability to
1:52
motivate an entire team or a person.
1:55
It helps you deescalate things because of the present.
1:58
Again, if you bring a calming presence, you can help
2:00
deescalate, you can help build alignment.
2:04
And I also really think it's important when you're doing
2:06
brainstorming. I also think that it's important
2:10
to realize that you can have effective presence even if
2:13
you're not super outgoing and charismatic.
2:16
Like there's different ways of exuding this in many different
2:19
situations. I think sometimes people are
2:21
like, oh, it's only the people that are like super extroverted
2:24
and like the loudest ones in there.
2:25
That's not, that's not true. Like there's so many ways that
2:28
you can have effective presence that is so valuable to different
2:32
parts of your job, your life, etcetera.
2:35
Yeah, and I actually think like you make a good point because
2:38
everybody in the room is bringing their affect.
2:40
They're bringing their emotional like resonance with them.
2:44
Some peoples might carry more weight or they might bump up.
2:48
Sometimes you walk into a room and you immediately feel the
2:51
energy and you don't know where it's coming from.
2:53
Or you, you feel a shift in energy when someone either
2:57
leaves or, you know, there's a big sigh sometimes when somebody
3:00
leaves and everybody else feels like less tension.
3:03
And it might not even be because that person was carrying the
3:06
tension. It might be because of the role
3:07
that they play in the room. So there's I, I think of it as
3:11
having three elements to effective presence.
3:14
It's the way that you show up. It's the way that you listen and
3:17
react to others, and then it's how you use it.
3:22
Can you impact a mood? Can you guide, unite and
3:25
influence a room? Understanding again how you show
3:28
up and then how other people are showing up.
3:31
I also think car, you make a really great point, especially
3:33
for like people at certain levels.
3:35
So let's say, for example, like you're on the executive
3:39
leadership team or you're in the C-Suite.
3:41
Like even if your presence doesn't necessarily say it, your
3:45
title does. So understand that it's also
3:47
connected to a lot of different things associated with you and
3:51
your role. Because sometimes people look at
3:53
people in positions of leadership as like, oh, I'm
3:56
nervous around them or intense or like maybe they feel this way
3:59
and, and that might not be true, but the leader should know that
4:02
coming into it, people might feel that way.
4:04
A. 100% if you are a boss, your effective president presence is
4:09
amplified. I know I've experienced this.
4:12
I get more laughs when I'm in charge.
4:14
Like people laugh at my jokes easier because they want you to
4:17
like them and I I am not as funny as they act like I am.
4:21
I think you're funny. But not as funny as the easy
4:25
last I get when I'm also the one in charge of paychecks.
4:28
Fair, fair, fair. And then your behavior and your
4:31
mood is actually scrutinized and very likely discussed.
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I actually sort of, it's like both a nightmare to know what
4:37
your employees are saying about you, but also really informative
4:40
if you do get sort of a vibe or you know what habit they're sort
4:43
of making fun of you for. Not because then you immediately
4:46
change it, but just know that they're watching you.
4:48
And I think the most important thing when you're a manager is
4:51
that your mood or like how people are perceiving your mood
4:56
is actually a replacement for what they think you think of
5:00
their performance. So how how they think you feel
5:03
about them, the health of the company.
5:06
I've definitely had situations where if I come in and I've had
5:09
mood, people start to worry. About.
5:12
Their jobs and, or the importance of like a priority
5:16
initiative. So you can use this to your
5:18
advantage as well, where if you're excited about something
5:21
that you think is important, know that they will be.
5:24
If you're, you know, suddenly putting a lot of priority on
5:27
some silly task, know that someone else might then think
5:30
it's an important task and it might not actually be an
5:33
important task in your mind. And it might not like need to
5:36
rise up on their list just because you said you wanted it.
5:40
There's a saying that's, I hope I get it right.
5:44
Intention goes where your energy goes, I think is what it is.
5:47
So like what you put energy into is like what people pay
5:50
attention to around you, especially if you're in
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leadership roles. So I loved your point around
5:55
like if you're focusing on something that seems like really
5:57
small, then everybody else is going to focus on it and it's
5:59
going to become really big. Yeah.
6:02
And I also want to just say that there's always a baseline of how
6:05
you normally react and what your natural reactions are.
6:10
So some of this can be changed, but the most important thing in
6:13
that first thing I listed off like the energy, the way you
6:16
show up, the first key to that is actually just understanding
6:20
yourself. What is your baseline?
6:24
What is your normal? How are you feeling in this
6:27
moment? You know you wake up and you
6:29
don't have energy and you know you need it.
6:32
What can you do to change that? What's your default reaction in
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difficult situations? You might not everyday know
6:38
you're going to be confronted at work, but when you are, how do
6:41
you react? I think that's a great point
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because, and that's something I've had to kind of learn over
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the years because I'm just like a very emotive person and you
6:52
can kind of read everything on my sleeve and on my face.
6:54
So I've had to like be very aware of my reactions to things.
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And I honestly think it, it, it has been harder in a remote
7:03
world because when you're on a Zoom screen, like everybody
7:09
might be looking at you and you don't actually know, like when
7:11
you're in a room, you can kind of like see where people are
7:13
like looking or where their attention's going.
7:15
It's very different when you're on Zoom.
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And I also think I've been a bit, if this is the right word,
7:20
desensitized because I'm on a screen.
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And so sometimes I can make a face or have a different kind of
7:26
energy that I shouldn't have. So how to be aware of that?
7:29
Yeah, I'm so glad you brought up Zoom and like Hybrid, because I,
7:36
I was thinking a lot about this. You're right, we don't have the
7:40
body language that we do have. We don't know where people are
7:44
looking. So you actually have to rely a
7:47
lot more on tone of voice 'cause we're all processing the emotion
7:51
behind the tone of voice in addition to what's being said.
7:55
People are listening to this like it doesn't matter because I
7:57
work remotely still does it actually.
8:00
Matters more I think. You're still showing up with a
8:03
ton of emotion and you're conveying it in your voice and
8:07
other people are conveying it in their voice.
8:09
And to your point, Lauren, you can also see like sometimes when
8:12
you do that tile look and you see everybody sort of looking
8:15
off, or you see that everyone shut off their video and then
8:19
you don't even know if they're there.
8:20
They're grabbing a snack. That can be really tough on a
8:24
speaker. And I sort of sometimes do this
8:26
when I know the person and I want to sort of support them is
8:29
like, I act like I'm in an audience where I'm like, you
8:31
know, settling another day and just kind of giving them
8:35
something some energy back. I appreciate people like you.
8:40
I give a lot of virtual presentations to a lot of big
8:43
groups and it's like you're going into the void sometimes
8:46
because also when you're presenting your slides on the
8:49
screen, you probably only see your face or maybe one other
8:52
people's faces. So you're like just talking to a
8:55
laptop. So even like the reactions on
8:57
Teams or Zoom, like just we're going to talk about empathy on
9:02
the next episode to have empathy for the person that's giving
9:05
that presentation and make sure that your presence is kind of
9:08
helping them in a way. Yeah, and you, we talked about
9:11
us both being ballerinas in our past lives.
9:14
I felt, I feel like I channel a lot of times my like stage
9:17
presence of like even when you don't have a solo, you're in an
9:21
ensemble, you're still on stage. Like thinking about A, that
9:24
you're still on stage, and then B, like, what is your stage
9:27
presence even when the theater's dark and you can't see the like
9:30
reactions of your audience? So.
9:32
That's a good talk about that, But that's a great point, yeah.
9:36
So what do you do to understand, you know, again, know how you
9:41
are perceived and what I think is actually interesting about
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this or how I like to think about it is every strength that
9:46
you have is A2 sided coin. It can also be a pitfall and any
9:51
feedback, any negative feedback you get, look for the strengths
9:54
inside of that because as I said, you're not going to
9:59
necessarily change overnight how you're perceived or what your
10:02
natural energy is. Sort of knowing it and then
10:05
knowing the kernels of good or the like dangerous defaults.
10:09
So one of my examples is that I'm pretty cerebral.
10:14
I think a lot. Sometimes I use big words like
10:17
cerebral, and that can be a good thing when I am showing what I
10:21
know and a really bad thing if I'm making people feel more
10:25
distant from understanding me. So it's a good thing, but it's
10:29
also a bad thing that I have to be aware of.
10:31
Great point, Cara. I was just trying to think of my
10:33
example and I think for me, I'm like naturally very high energy.
10:37
So like I always ask questions and I engage and I like I
10:40
usually always like speak on meetings.
10:43
And so I find if I'm either like for example, last week I was
10:48
sick and I like couldn't speak. Like I basically lost my voice.
10:52
I was just like not feeling great.
10:54
So like in the beginning of the meeting, I actually set the, the
10:57
tone where I was like, listen, I am not going to be super
10:59
talkative because like I am sick and I can barely speak.
11:02
So like another thing you can do is like if you know, for
11:07
example, either something happened personally or you're
11:09
sick or something like that, you can be like upfront to explain.
11:13
Like, hey, I'm going to be a little different today.
11:15
But here's why I find that to be just super helpful, especially
11:18
if it's like a very stark difference from your normal,
11:21
because people won't notice that and you could just be honest
11:25
about it. Yeah, I love that.
11:28
And then another thing you can do is just make sure that you're
11:31
developing like what are your resting needs?
11:33
What are your coping strategies? What are your reset strategies?
11:36
Like what does either telling people how you're feeling and
11:40
that's what you need is for them to know already, I am not my
11:44
normal self or when things happen, what do you need to sort
11:48
of reset your mood? Because oftentimes knowing your
11:52
mood is just the first step. What you're actually doing with
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effective presence is understanding and managing other
11:57
people's. It's not really about how you're
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feeling. And then the last thing that I
12:02
think is really valuable is to think about what your boundaries
12:06
are to determine those and then maintain them.
12:09
And again, I'm thinking specifically of when you're
12:11
managing folks because there's an amount of personal detail
12:15
that is really helpful to use to sort of build trust.
12:19
But how much personal detail do you want to use?
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And you, you get to decide that, you know, And then again, what
12:25
buffer time do you need? So if you need to communicate to
12:28
people, I want to see something first so I can react to it
12:31
before I'm in a meeting. That's really helpful to know
12:34
about yourself so that you can choose when to communicate that.
12:38
And then what's your capacity for feedback like?
12:40
Some folks don't want as much direct feedback.
12:44
Some people love it. So knowing that about yourself,
12:47
because no matter what, someone's going to come to you
12:50
with as much feedback as they think they're willing to
12:53
provide. So it might not be something
12:54
where you get to tell someone and then they they do what you
12:57
want, but knowing what you want helps you then filter what you
13:01
get. For this one, I think I'm going
13:04
to bring in like a personal element because it's something
13:07
that I have had to kind of learn over time and that's set the
13:12
boundaries for work, but also make sure you remember how you
13:16
show up to people in your personal life.
13:18
And what I mean by that is like, if I don't have the energy,
13:22
you're like, I feel like I'm a little lower energy.
13:25
I'll probably like turn it on a bit for work because I know I
13:29
like have to and I have to be present.
13:31
But something that I don't do super well is then turn it back
13:34
on for like my personal life for my husband and such.
13:36
And he gets the part of me that's like super tired and
13:39
didn't have any of the energy. And I want to really kind of
13:41
work on that and say like it. That doesn't mean that you can
13:45
turn it off for like your family and the people around you just
13:48
because you have to turn it on for work.
13:49
So it's just an an interesting boundary that you have to
13:53
understand and also like make sure you save some energy for
13:57
your loved ones and they don't get just the part of you that
14:00
didn't like turn it off for work.
14:03
Does that make sense? Cara it.
14:04
Totally does. I feel like it comes up all the
14:06
time when people talk about how much time we spend with our Co
14:09
workers. We talked about that in season 1
14:12
in our trailer. But you spend a ton of time with
14:14
your Co workers and to your point, it's also feels like a
14:18
responsibility. It's your job.
14:19
And so you might be putting way more effort in that into that
14:22
and then showing up for your loved ones.
14:24
You're like, they already know me, they already love me.
14:27
There's a default like safety net in that.
14:30
But doing that over and over again sort of erodes the ability
14:34
to just sort of be present with them or show up and really
14:38
notice what they need out of you.
14:39
So I think effective presence impacts every aspect of your
14:43
life, how you're showing up for people and knowing how you show
14:47
up. And one times you need rest and
14:50
what you need to communicate and then what space you actually
14:54
have for other people's emotional needs.
14:56
Because there are some days when you have no space for someone
14:59
else's emotional needs. And you can either communicate
15:02
that or you can't, but it sort of shows up in how you act.
15:05
And then there are other times when it's absolutely you have
15:09
energy to give and then hopefully you are directing it
15:11
first towards your loved ones. A. 100% it.
15:14
It just matters. So I think it's something to put
15:16
out there. To think about, Yeah.
15:19
The next thing that really matters is presents.
15:22
How do you show up for the other people and sort of make space
15:26
for them? So an example that I absolutely
15:29
adore, and it's because it comes from a person I absolutely
15:32
adore, Camille Brown, the choreographer.
15:35
If you don't know her, check her out.
15:37
We may drop a YouTube link to one of her Ted talks in the
15:41
notes. I saw her live and the first
15:45
time I saw her live, there was a teenage girl in the, they ran a
15:48
talk back after the dancing. There's a teenage girl in the
15:52
audience who asked a question that was sort of more of 1/2 of
15:56
a question, but sort of like, how do you, what's your advice
16:01
for me? How should I show up?
16:03
I'm running for student council and I go to a lot of events and
16:08
I sure others do too, where you kind of hear these questions
16:11
that are sort of someone's wondering, especially a young
16:14
person's like wondering how to apply what they just saw and
16:18
thinking about themselves. And So what I loved about how
16:22
Camille answered was she actually paused and said, I
16:26
think you already know, tell me more.
16:30
And that already to like share. It was kind of her sharing stage
16:35
space with this girl from the audience, and it gave her space
16:39
to tell us all a little bit more about what was actually going
16:43
on, what was what she was actually thinking.
16:45
OK, well, here's my platform. Oh, well, here's this.
16:48
And it gave her space to tell her story a little bit, gave
16:50
Camille more context and how to help her and just again, like
16:54
made the space and made her feel like she was being listened to,
16:58
which was what she really needed in that moment.
17:01
I love. That so much.
17:02
Yeah. And it's something that I try to
17:04
channel a lot when I think about, like, what is this person
17:08
coming to me with, you know, when they're making a comment in
17:11
a meeting or when they're asking a question, Like, are they
17:14
trying to be heard? Are they genuinely confused?
17:17
Are they trying to make a point just to, again, be, I don't want
17:21
to say adversarial, but maybe they're concerned about
17:24
something that's going on in their department.
17:25
Maybe they're concerned about their own job and their space in
17:29
the job, like what's happening a little bit behind the question.
17:33
And then how can you make space in a way that's safe for them to
17:36
share more if you need more? I love that and I think it's
17:40
super important. And I also think it takes
17:42
practice, right? Like because sometimes when
17:44
people are listening to a question or just other people
17:48
speaking, you're thinking about like what to say next.
17:50
But if you like pause and listen and really kind of be very
17:54
intentional about what comes out after I, I think it takes
17:58
practice, but it's really important and it it makes people
18:00
feel valued. Yeah, I feel like I am going to
18:04
be working my entire lifetime on being a better active listener.
18:08
And I that's my advice for anyone who's trying to think
18:11
about presence is start with active listening.
18:14
So active listening is not just hearing, you're actually
18:17
listening and noticing what's not said and what is said
18:21
through body language or like we said, voice.
18:25
So all the other things that are happening and a lot of it is not
18:29
what's being said. And it takes a lot of energy to
18:33
actively listen. You cannot actively listen for a
18:38
long time effectively. And that's actually also a
18:41
really good thing to know is like, choose your moments to
18:43
actively listen. You can't.
18:45
Actively listen while you're preparing your answer.
18:48
So that's the, that's the thing you like.
18:50
Yeah, you need to listen, pause, and then respond. 100% and it's
18:56
there's a beauty and again, giving that conversation time
19:00
and space. The other way to think about it
19:02
is, you know, it's focused and it's kind and it's supportive.
19:06
My best shorthand for this, and it was, I know I told you when
19:10
this first happened, Lauren, because this advice like changed
19:12
my life 2 year, 2-3 years ago now when I became a mentor, I
19:16
got the advice of like, you hear something from someone and you
19:20
just give it an extra beat. And then you might ask a follow
19:24
curious, non judgmental question like what does that mean to you?
19:29
And that helped me immediately in my work life as well as my
19:33
time as a mentor, just because giving people that extra
19:37
curiosity and an extra moment sort of let whatever they said
19:41
that surprised you sink in is super powerful.
19:45
And I also think it frees up space for them to say more.
19:47
It's something I've had to work on because I am someone who I
19:50
think and speak quickly and I process things quickly.
19:55
And so I'm like very eager to like continue the conversation.
19:59
And so it's helped me a lot because.
20:02
That like extra beat of silence. Sometimes they'll like add
20:04
additional detail or they'll like open up more.
20:07
So I still practice this to this day.
20:11
But it's I agree, it's definitely a game changer in
20:13
conversations. Yeah.
20:16
So the last one is how do we put this into practice to actually
20:19
influence and impact the world? You know, there's at the at the
20:25
office, for example, you might have an initiative where you
20:29
want people to feel like energized and positive about
20:31
something, but how do you actually get them moving
20:36
forward? How do you actually get them to
20:38
feel the way that either you do or the way that you're kind of
20:40
supposed to make them feel? And maybe it's an initiative
20:42
that came from on high and you're even trying to sort out
20:45
your own emotions. Has this happened to you,
20:47
Lauren? Oh.
20:48
Yes, working in corporate America, it happens all the
20:50
time. You just have to, I, I mean, for
20:55
me, I think it's getting it right in your own like head and
21:00
kind of, it's a lot about storytelling too, right?
21:03
Because I think especially as a leader, like maybe you're told
21:07
something and you can't change it, but like, what's the story
21:11
that you can feel good about that you can get your team
21:13
behind that can provide some value, right?
21:17
And you can kind of rally around it.
21:19
And that's your job as a leader to to your point card influence.
21:22
And I think a lot of that comes down to the like the story in
21:25
the messaging. I love thinking about it as a
21:27
story. I'm thinking about how to tell
21:31
an effective story, especially to individuals that you already
21:34
know. Sometimes you have to know what
21:36
they value. So right away, I was thinking of
21:39
like, babysitting and deciding I'm going to tell, you know,
21:43
nephews about robots because they're really into robots right
21:45
now. And the robots might have
21:47
decided they need to, you know, clean up their toys before they
21:50
went to bed. And that was really great little
21:52
lesson for the robots to learn. But like throwing in the like,
21:55
what matters to them as you're talking and then what matters to
21:58
you can be like a really powerful combination, I think
22:03
students. Are naturally like that though,
22:05
like, right, Like what's it for us?
22:06
You know, like at the end of the day, most humans are thinking
22:09
about like, how does this affect me?
22:10
Yeah, I think about this influence piece.
22:12
As you know, we talk a lot about like moving people from point A
22:16
to point B, but I actually think about this as like moving from
22:19
X, like a variable that is unknown to B.
22:22
So you know where you want to get them to, but how do you get
22:25
them there when you maybe don't know all the emotions swarming
22:29
around and where they're actually starting from?
22:31
I really like that. Yeah.
22:33
So like, you already know B and get to know it even better, you
22:37
know, you know how people ought to feel.
22:39
Examine how you feel about about it and then prep the other ways
22:45
that people might feel that way. And if you don't feel the way
22:48
you're supposed to, that's actually a good thing because
22:53
you can get the clarity and the answers and you're going to be
22:56
even more empathetic to tease next week's episode to others
23:01
because you'll have gone through that change yourself.
23:03
But kind of before you are the messenger, make sure you can at
23:06
least Lauren, to your point, tell the story or, you know,
23:10
maybe why a reason you could feel the way you're supposed to
23:13
be feeling. And then you have to discover X
23:16
and you're going to use a lot of the like active listening skills
23:19
and the perception skills and the present skills that we
23:21
already talked about. You know, take time to read the
23:23
mood, ask for reactions. Maybe if there are people who
23:27
you are anticipating, either need to know early or you're
23:29
going to have really big reactions, maybe get to them
23:32
early to kind of see, get them on your side, work with them or
23:38
just understand what kind of mood they might bring to an
23:40
announcement like that. And then you have to really
23:43
project you project that be emotion and and acknowledge
23:47
their gaps. Like, Hey, we may not be here,
23:50
but I want us to be or it's going to be valuable for us to
23:54
to all be energized about this because it's an inevitable thing
23:57
and it's going to impact our bottom line in these ways.
24:02
And then be really curious and patient.
24:03
Get all of the other questions and like the XS that you hadn't
24:06
seen. What are people's reactions were
24:08
the things you hadn't anticipated?
24:10
And then over time, you still have to kind of show up
24:12
consistently as that be emotion. That's our part.
24:16
Yeah, with empathy for the X, though, like with empathy for
24:19
all of the X's that came up. Like, you know, we don't always
24:23
advocate empathy for your ex's on the show, but this time it
24:27
makes a lot of sense. For your ex's and the X.
24:31
From X to B. There we go.
24:32
See what? I did there.
24:33
Yes, very good. Well, so that's a wrap with some
24:39
takeaways. You know you want to know
24:41
yourself and be really genuine to yourself.
24:44
So remember everything is A2 sided coin.
24:46
Every flaw has a strength. Every strength has its flaws.
24:49
Invest time in your own emotional needs and reset
24:52
requirements. Practice, and I do mean like
24:55
keep practicing. Just get better and better at
24:57
active listening. Recognize moments when you have
25:01
influence. I think a really powerful way to
25:04
use influence that you have is to make space at a table for
25:07
someone that should be there but isn't.
25:10
So if you're someone who's talking a lot and has influence
25:12
in a meeting, think about the people that you might not be
25:15
hearing from or want to hear from, or you know they have good
25:17
ideas and they're not sharing them in the meeting.
25:19
And how can you advocate for them with the influence you
25:22
have? And then lastly, like apply that
25:26
X to B methodology when you actually need to have influence.
25:30
I love these and I, I, I think be patient with yourself as
25:34
well. I will add, right, this takes
25:36
time to kind of learn some of these skills, but they can
25:39
really make you and everyone around you feel so much better
25:43
and more included. So really encourage you to pick
25:46
one and start practicing. That's a wrap.
25:49
Thanks for joining us on Unspoken Career Truths.
25:51
Don't forget to follow us on Spotify and Instagram.
25:54
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