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Everything You Have Been Taught About Good Parenting Is Focused on the Wrong Thing · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Everything you have been taught about good parenting is probably focused on the wrong thing.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: And the approach that you're following right now might be the exact reason that your kiddo does not feel as secure as you want them to.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: You have probably read all the books.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: You've learned all those scripts.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know what you are supposed to say when your toddler melts down or when your baby won't stop crying, when those really hard moments come out of nowhere.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: But you're still anxious.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Your child is still struggling.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere in the back of your mind, you are wondering if you're just not doing this right, or if there's something wrong with you or your child that no parenting advice can fix.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: You are scared.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I have sat with thousands of families in this exact place.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: And what I keep seeing over and over again, it's not a parenting skills problem.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's something happening inside those hard moments that the parenting scripts never address.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Something your kiddo is reading that has nothing to do with the words coming out of your mouth.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And once you see it, you can't unsee it.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to show you the difference between two very different parenting approaches, what each one actually produces inside your child and exactly where you are right now so that you know what to do next.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start by looking at what perfect parenting promises and why it has spread so quickly.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: You were taught that good parenting is about doing the right thing.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Say this when they cry, use this phrase when they're scared, create this kind of environment, follow this protocol.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it makes sense, doesn't it, that this advice is spread the way that it did.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because as parents, we want clear guidance.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Researchers have spent decades studying what children need.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Experts have packaged it into something tangible.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you care about your kid, you want the roadmap.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that this approach turned parenting into a sort of performance.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're performing, you are monitoring.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're monitoring, your nervous system is not regulated, it's on alert.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And your child can't feel your script, they can feel your body.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So why does every parenting book still lead with what to say and what to do?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because the real variable was never what you do, it's the state you're in when you do it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But most of parenting advice does not address this specifically.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Katie, one of the mothers who I worked with, she had done everything right.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: She knew the language.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: She did all the research and she was present physically for every hard moment.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: She was still consumed by fear and self-doubt, though.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: She questioned every decision.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: She braced, like really braced for what might go wrong before it happened.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And her kiddo felt that.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not because Katie was doing anything wrong necessarily, but because her nervous system was still in that bracing state and her child was reading it constantly.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: He was often really hard to soothe and he was struggling with sleep.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: When you stop measuring parenting by whether you did or said the right thing and start paying attention to what your body is doing in the moment, everything actually shifts because you stop performing, you start being present, and that is what your child has been waiting for.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to what regulated parenting actually is, because it's probably not what you think.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Regulated parenting sounds like another thing to achieve, doesn't it?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're supposed to always be calm, always be centered, never lose your patience.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that version has spread.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, because calm looks like a goal.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: We like goals.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Social media is full of parents who look serene.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Gentle parenting content makes it seem like the whole job is just to stay composed.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not what regulation means.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And chasing that version of it will make your anxiety worse, not better.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because now you're performing calm instead of actually being regulated.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And children can feel the difference.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Performed calm is just anxiety wearing a different face.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, what does actual regulation look like?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And how do you actually get there?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, regulation is not the absence of hard feelings, it's the capacity to stay present with them without being hijacked by them.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Leah came to me feeling totally numb and disconnected.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: She loved her kiddo.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: She was doing everything she'd been told to do, but she felt like she was watching her own life from behind glass.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Once she learned how to help her body feel safe inside of a hard moment, not to perform calm, but actually settle, something shifted.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: She slowed down.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: She reconnected.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: The confidence she'd been waiting for actually came back on its own.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: The anxiety didn't disappear first.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: The regulation came first, and the quieting of the anxiety followed.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: When your nervous system is regulated, your child borrows it.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not a metaphor, that's biology.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Babies and young kids don't have a fully developed capacity to regulate their own emotions.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: They literally borrow yours.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And a steady parent isn't a nice to have.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually the mechanism by which your child learns that the world is safe.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: In a second, I'm going to show you exactly how to know which place you are operating from right now.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: But first, if this is landing for you, go ahead and subscribe.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I post videos like this every single week.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the next one will build on exactly what we're talking about today.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So go ahead, take a moment, and hit subscribe right now so you don't miss it.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so let's look at how to diagnose where you are right now.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to think about the last time that your child had a hard moment, a meltdown, a crying jag, a tantrum in the car seat.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we've all been there.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: One of those ones that came out of nowhere.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: What happened in your body the second it started?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Most moms operating from the perfect parenting approach have the same response.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: They go into this management mode.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Their body tightens and their mind starts scanning for the right move.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And the whole interaction becomes about solving it rather than being in it.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: When your child is dysregulated, does your body feel like it's bracing for something?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you stay outwardly calm, like if you act calm, do you find yourself mentally running through what you're supposed to say instead of just being with them in the moment?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: After a hard moment passes, do you feel relief, but relief that's mixed with dread about the next one coming?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you said yes to any of those, you're not failing at anything, but you are parenting from a nervous system that never got the memo that the hard moment is survivable.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your body is treating a meltdown like a threat, and your child is reading that signal, not your words.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And here's where the verdict actually lands.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because secure children aren't built by parents who say all the right things.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: They're built by parents whose nervous systems are regulated enough to stay present in a hard moment without needing that moment to stop.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Katie, that mom I mentioned earlier, she told me that once she stopped focusing on what to say and started working on how her body actually felt when things got hard, all those what if thoughts quieted on their own.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not because she was solving her anxiety, but because she stopped fighting the way her child's hard moments were happening and she started staying steady inside of them.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Her kiddo settled because she settled.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to stop treating every hard moment as a problem to solve with the right words.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your child doesn't need a perfectly worded response.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: They need to feel your nervous system signal that the moment right here is survivable.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the next time a hard moment hits, before you reach for what to say, notice what your body is doing.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like take one breath that goes all the way down.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let your feet feel the floor, literally, and then speak.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Even something simple, even just I'm right here, we're okay.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: What comes out of your mouth matters far less than the state that you're in when you say it.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And here's one thing that you can try tonight to start building that capacity in real time.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system isn't a fixed thing.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's trainable.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the way you train it isn't through meditation apps or breathing exercises that you do alone in a quiet room when your kiddo isn't there.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You train it by practicing regulation inside the actual moments your body finds really hard.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Small repetitions, real situations.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's how the nervous system learns.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Think of it like a radio signal.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, when things get hard, your signal is full of static.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And your child is trying to tune into you, and all they're getting is interference.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Regulation is about reducing the static inside enough that your child can find you.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you do that by practicing in the moments that used to knock you offline, not by waiting until you feel ready.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you stay present through a hard moment, even imperfectly, even with a chest that feels tight and a racing mind, you're sending your child's nervous system a message.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that message is this is survivable.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: We're okay.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm right here.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: So tonight when a hard moment comes, try this.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Step one, the second you feel your body brace, name it silently.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just say it to yourself.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: My nervous system is responding.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: No judgment, just naming it.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Step two, take one slow breath.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Exhale slowly and deeply and press your feet into the floor for a full three seconds.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Step three, stay in the room with the feeling, yours and your child's, without reaching for a fix, maybe 10 seconds of just being present.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Step four, then respond with whatever words feel natural to you.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Don't perform, just be there.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You've been working so hard at this.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I know you have.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And the hard work is real.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to hear today is that the thing you've been chasing, your child feeling safe, is not on the other side of more knowledge or better scripts.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's on the other side of your nervous system learning that it's okay to stay.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That is not a small thing.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's absolutely learnable.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to go deeper on this, watch my last video.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's the one that explains why your nervous system learned to treat emotional discomfort as danger in the first place.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it'll make everything we talked about today make even more sense.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Most people find that video first and then come back here.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Some people find this one first.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, they work together.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the link is right there.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: So go watch it, and I'll see you next time.