Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 195. When the Holidays Don’t Look the Same: Finding Peace with Your Adult Children

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195. When the Holidays Don’t Look the Same: Finding Peace with Your Adult Children · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting.
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Pamela Hinkelman and you're listening to the Midlife Mama podcast.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: The show for Christian moms who want to let go with grace and actually enjoy their emptiness.
• 0:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a certified emptiness coach, speaker, and mom of five grown kids.
• 0:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know the challenges this season brings from letting go to setting healthy boundaries, to rediscovering your purpose, and reconnecting with your husband.
• 0:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Each week I'll be your guide.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: offering heartfelt conversations, faith-filled encouragement and practical strategies to help you thrive in this next chapter.
• 0:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I are loving the emptiness years and I have strong growing relationships with my adult kids and I want the same for you.
• 0:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't miss the end of each episode.
• 0:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll share a quick coaching tip you can apply right away to improve your relationship with your kids or your spouse.
• 1:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: One favor before we dive in.
• 1:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you find this episode helpful, would you leave a rating and review?
• 1:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: It helps other moms discover the show.
• 1:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's a link in the show notes with instructions.
• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss a single episode.
• 1:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get started.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the Midlife Mama Podcast, the place for faith, friendship, and real talk for empty-nessed moms.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: As the holidays approach, maybe you feel that familiar aching your heart.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: You miss the days when the kids were all under one roof, matching pajamas, romanticory, and laughter echoed through the house.
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: But now, the table feels empty here.
• 1:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Schedules clash, in laws enter the picture, and things just look different.
• 1:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever felt disappointed that the holidays don't look like they used to, you're not alone.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Today, we're talking about how to release expectations that steal your joy, and lean into God's peace instead, because even when the plans change, his presence doesn't.
• 1:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in this episode, I'll walk you through six grace-filled strategies to help you navigate this season with peace, flexibility, and the deeper connection with your own kids.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: We so grab your coffee, take a deep breath, and let's discover together how the holidays can still be beautiful, just in a new way.
• 2:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, is the holidays drawn near?
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Many moms feel that familiar tug of nostalgia.
• 2:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: We long for the simpler days when everyone was gathered around the table, laughter filled the kitchen, and no one had in-laws or work schedules to consider.
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Back then, life felt cozy and connected, our kids were close, and so were our hearts.
• 2:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: But now, the empty chairs sting a little.
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our grown children have new homes, new traditions, and new responsibilities.
• 2:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when the holidays don't look like they used to, disappointment can quietly creep in.
• 2:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: We picture what should be, and before we know it, those expectations begin to steal our joy and strain our relationships.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, what if this year looked not worse just different, and still full of meaning?
• 3:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: What if we could approach the holidays with open hands, trusting that God can make beauty out of change?
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Proverbs 69 reminds us, in their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.
• 3:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we release our tight grip and let him lead, peace begins to take root.
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let's look at six graves filled strategies to help you navigate holiday expectations with peace, flexibility, and deep connection this season.
• 3:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: The first step is to be self-aware.
• 3:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, have you ever felt that quiet heavyness during the holidays and you couldn't quite explain why?
• 3:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You love your family deeply, but something feels off.
• 3:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: You miss how things used to be, the matching jamies, the early morning giggles, the house buzzing with activity, everyone home.
• 4:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: everyone just delighted for the holidays.
• 4:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're holding on to those precious memories and that's okay.
• 4:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes, clinging too tightly to what was can make it hard to receive this new season God has for us.
• 4:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: When your emotions start to spiral, when you're irritable, hurt, or easily disappointed, it's often a sign that unspoken expectations are running the show.
• 4:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Becoming self-aware helps you name what's really going on beneath the surface.
• 4:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not about guilt or shame.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's about grace and grow.
• 4:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you recognize what's going on in the inside, can you know what to do?
• 4:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: You take time to pause and invite God
• 4:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Ask him to reveal what's during in your heart and get honest about it.
• 4:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Once you bring God's light and love to your discontent, then you can get his kingdom perspective on the situation.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: If we assume that the holidays should remain the same for as long as our kids live, that's just so unrealistic.
• 5:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it puts undo pressure on them, and it's not good for you.
• 5:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Psalm 139, 23 and 24 says, search me God and know my heart.
• 5:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
• 5:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: The second strategy is to name what you're holding.
• 5:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Momma, the purest way to manage those uncomfortable emotions that's surfaced during the holidays is to name them.
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't shove them down or pretend they're not there.
• 5:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have the courage to pause and ask yourself.
• 5:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: What am I really feeling?
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is it disappointment that your grown kids can't all be home this year?
• 5:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Resentment because you feel left out of their plans?
• 5:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's sadness, rejection, or even fear that family traditions are slipping away.
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever you're holding, bring it into the light.
• 6:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: God can't heal what we hide, but he lovingly meets us when we're honest about it.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we name our emotions with self-compassion instead of judgment or shame, we make room for grace.
• 6:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're not weak for feeling deeply.
• 6:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: were human and beloved.
• 6:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Psalm 34, 18, reminds us, the Lord is close to the broken-hearted, and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So take up breath and whisper your truth to God.
• 6:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let his gentle presence meet you in the ache.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we stop pretending everything's fine and honestly name our pain, we open the door for his comfort and healing to flow in.
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Strategy number three to manage holiday expectations is to understand the impact of expectations.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, let's be honest, most of our holiday stress starts right here.
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Expectations can sneak in quietly dressed as good intentions.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: We imagine what the holiday should look like, how the house should feel, and who should be around the table.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: But when reality doesn't match our vision, this appointment moves in and suddenly our joy feels stolen, holding to tightly to expectations not only hurts you, it's strange your connection with your adult children.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you insist things go your way, you unknowingly communicate.
• 7:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: My comfort matters more than our relationship.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know that's never your heart, but it can feel that way to them.
• 7:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grown kids want to come home because they're welcome, that gilded.
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: The truth is, expectations create pressure.
• 7:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: All they're so uncomfortable, they just feel awful to our kids.
• 7:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: But grace creates peace.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you release your grip, you make space for empathy, flexibility, and the authentic joy.
• 8:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: James 317 reminds us, but the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then peace loving, considerate, submissive full of mercy and good fruit,
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you trade your expectations for God's wisdom, peace begins to flow again.
• 8:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: You start to value connection over control, and that's where the sweetest holiday moments are found.
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Finding the perfect gift for the people you love most should feel joyful, not stressful.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: But between busy schedules and crowded stores, it's easy to lose the joy of giving.
• 8:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's why Christian parenting created the 2025 Christmas gift guide.
• 8:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: A one-stop collection of thoughtful faith-filled gifts for every agent stage.
• 8:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Inside you'll find meaningful ideas for kids, parents, grandkids, grandparents and friends, all designed to point hearts back to the true reason for the season.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Plus, we've included some of our very favorite advent resources.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: from family activities to devotional, just for grandkids.
• 9:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, you can keep Jesus at the center of the season.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: A best of all, it's completely free.
• 9:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Check out the guide today at crismparenting.org forward slash Christmas and make this Christmas your most meaningful and less stressful yet.
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: strategy number four is to practice flexibility to build connection.
• 9:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, the antidote for unmet expectations is flexibility.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you loosen your grip on how the holidays should look, you open your heart to the beauty of what can be.
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: A flexible mom knows that Christmas morning might not happen on December 25th and that's okay.
• 9:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: What matters most is being together whenever and however that happens.
• 9:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: For years, our family has celebrated Christmas, not on Christmas proper, which is December 25th, but on New Year's Weekend.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just a ribbon that we've gotten into and really it works for everyone, and I'm just happy when they come home.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't care when it is.
• 10:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: A flexible mom listens with love.
• 10:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: She shares what's meaningful to her, but she also makes space for what matters to her grown kids.
• 10:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't stew and disappointment when planned shift or someone can't make it home.
• 10:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, she blesses the time she does have and chooses gratitude over grumbling.
• 10:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Her gentle adaptability becomes the glue that holds her family close, even across miles and time zones.
• 10:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have you asked your kids lately?
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, are there any traditions that you'd really not like to do anymore?
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: A couple years ago, we've been doing a gingerbread making competition for years, and we are highly competitive and artistic, and I'm like, hey, are you guys tired of that?
• 10:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they're like, no, we love it.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: So put everything on the table and then have a discussion about what does and doesn't work.
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: The Libbyans, too, for Reminds Us, let each of you look not only to his own interest, but also the interests of others.
• 11:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you model humility and flexibility, you show your children what love looks like in action.
• 11:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: The result, deeper connection, softer hearts in a home, whether fuller quiet that radiates peace and grace.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Strategy number five, partner with God in surrender.
• 11:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama surrender isn't giving up.
• 11:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's giving over.
• 11:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: As a parent of adult children, you're learning that surrender is the secret to peace.
• 11:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And strong connection, it's laying down your expectations not in defeat.
• 11:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: but in trust, trust that God loves your family even more than you do.
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can bring every disappointment, every lonely ache, and every, this isn't how I pictured it moment to a precious God who never shames or condemn.
• 11:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: In surrender, you placed your desires at the feet of Jesus, and whisper, your will, not mine.
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: You loosen your grip on the past and you open your hands to the new thing God is doing right now.
• 11:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Isaiah 26-3-4 promises you will keep him in perfect peace.
• 12:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you, trust in the Lord forever for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the rock eternal.
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: surrender, anchors your soul in peace, you stop striving to control, and start resting in God's faithful hands, even in the ache you can be confident.
• 12:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's working in your heart in your children's life, and in the story he's still writing for your family.
• 12:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Strategy, I cannot say that word, strategy number 6.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Things can look different and still be good.
• 12:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is a big one.
• 12:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, this season may not look like years past, but that doesn't mean it's any less beautiful.
• 12:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we release what was, we make space to see what is.
• 12:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: God is still here.
• 12:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Weeping is goodness through every moment, even the quiet ones.
• 12:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as you accept the changes in your family's holiday rhythms, take notice of his presence in the simple thing, a conversation that makes you laugh, the warmth of a candle, a moment of stillness that's often to your heart.
• 13:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you've sent you yourself on God's faith,
• 13:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: the pressure fades and piece settles in.
• 13:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those who gather around your table, whether few or many will feel that piece, your contentment fills your heart and spills over onto everyone around you.
• 13:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Psalm 2713 says, I will remain confident of this.
• 13:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and isn't that such a beautiful promise for this season.
• 13:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: There is goodness all around.
• 13:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Things can look different and still be very good.
• 13:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: God is near His goodness around you and your family is lovingly held in His hands.
• 13:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: While my expectations don't have to steal your joy, that's how the day season and when we recognize how they shape our emotions in relationships,
• 14:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: We can pause, reflect, and invite God to help us adjust.
• 14:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as we become more self-aware, flexible, and surrendered our homes become a place of peace.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: One that our adult children want to return to.
• 14:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, the heart of the holidays isn't found in perfect plans or everyone being together.
• 14:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's found in the presence of God and the love that flows from Him through you.
• 14:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever this season looks like, it can still be good.
• 14:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because God is good, and He's right there in the middle of it all.
• 14:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, I hope today reminded you that you don't have to hold the holidays together.
• 14:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: God already is.
• 14:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you let go of old expectations and open your hands in surrender, peace begins to fill the space where pressure once lived.
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip for the week.
• 14:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actual step to improve your life.
• 14:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 14:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to make space to name what you're holding is an anger, resentment, disappointment, stress, discouragement, name it and bring in it to the light where God can minister his love.
• 15:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sit with him there and see what he reminds you of.
• 15:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, connection matters more than control and your grown kids want to come home.
• 15:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: to grace and not guilt.
• 15:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever your family looks like this year, it can still be good because God is good and he's right in the middle of it all.
• 15:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Until next time, Mama, grace and peace, you've got this and God's got you.
• 15:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 15:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you leave each episode feeling a little more encouraged, equipped, and seen, because that's what this space is all about.
• 15:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Through the stories, insights, and conversations we share here, I'm coaching you through the ups and downs of the empty nest, helping you rediscover purpose, deepen faith, and enjoy this new season of life.
• 15:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready for an even more personalized support, I'd love to invite you to book a free connection call.
• 16:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: The link is in the show notes, and we'll talk about how I can walk alongside you as your coach.
• 16:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And let's stay connected.
• 16:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Follow me on Instagram at P-Hinkleman.
• 16:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, or come find me on Facebook at Pamela Hinkleman, M-D-Nest Coach.
• 16:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure this all out on your own, Mama.
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm here for you when you're ready.