Latest / All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr / Parenting Trends with Julie Lyles Carr

Transcript

Parenting Trends with Julie Lyles Carr · All Mom Does Podcast with Julie Lyles Carr

0:01
Speaker 1: Purposely Your Life, God's Purpose listen at purposely dot com.
0:09
Speaker 2: We had worked and worked with her. We had tried
0:13
Speaker 2: to figure out what she wanted. We tried to understand
0:15
Speaker 2: what she was so upset about. But the bottom line
0:17
Speaker 2: was our kid, who typically was the very easiest, she'd
0:22
Speaker 2: have enough. We were at a dance competition convention of
0:26
Speaker 2: some sort and a huge city, and we had a
0:28
Speaker 2: bunch of the kids with us, and she was a
0:30
Speaker 2: toddler and she'd hit her limit. She was just over
0:33
Speaker 2: the whole thing. And so this super easy going kiddo
0:37
Speaker 2: of mine all of a sudden went into the full
0:40
Speaker 2: on you've probably seen it if you haven't experienced it yourself,
0:44
Speaker 2: the full on freak out. She was screaming and crying
0:48
Speaker 2: and throwing herself to the floor. And so we were
0:52
Speaker 2: in this huge shopping mall in this big city that
0:55
Speaker 2: had an attached hotel where this convention, this dance convention,
0:58
Speaker 2: was taking place. So as this kiddo is just going wild,
1:03
Speaker 2: my husband said, I got it, and he picked her
1:06
Speaker 2: up and he gently put her over in a little
1:08
Speaker 2: corner of an area where she was out of main traffic.
1:11
Speaker 2: It was a little bit quieter there were all these
1:13
Speaker 2: people because it was such a busy place, and he
1:16
Speaker 2: just kind of put her over there just so she
1:18
Speaker 2: could decompress. So she's sitting over there and she's just
1:21
Speaker 2: crying and snubbling, and she's so upset and no, no, no,
1:23
Speaker 2: and on, and wouldn't you know it, you've probably had
1:27
Speaker 2: this moment too. I'm Julie Lyles Carr. You're listening to
1:30
Speaker 2: the All Mom Does podcast, where we love to come
1:33
Speaker 2: alongside you and give you inspiration and information and encouragement
1:36
Speaker 2: for the kids you're raising and the marriage that you're nurturing,
1:40
Speaker 2: your faith, walk, your work, all the things. And we're
1:43
Speaker 2: gonna talk today about some of the latest parenting trends
1:47
Speaker 2: and what my perspective is being someone who's raised date
1:51
Speaker 2: kids over a whole lot of time and a whole
1:53
Speaker 2: lot of years. The things that I think I'm seeing
1:55
Speaker 2: and the things that I think are pretty great, and
1:57
Speaker 2: the things that I go, huh, I'm just not sure
2:00
Speaker 2: are So stay tuned all right back to that situation
2:03
Speaker 2: with my daughter. She's throwing this fit. My husband gets
2:06
Speaker 2: her out of the main thoroughfare of traffic, and of course,
2:09
Speaker 2: this is the moment you've probably also seen or experienced yourself.
2:14
Speaker 2: This woman comes walking over. Now, mind you, this kid's
2:18
Speaker 2: completely safe. My husband is clearly right there, We clearly
2:22
Speaker 2: have it under control. We just have a kid who's
2:24
Speaker 2: freaking out. But this woman comes over and throws my
2:26
Speaker 2: husband the dirtiest look, and then she heads over toward
2:30
Speaker 2: that corner and she goes, oh, honey, you poor baby.
2:33
Speaker 2: Is daddy being mean to you? And I kid you not.
2:37
Speaker 2: This kid looks up, sniffles a little bit, and then goes,
2:42
Speaker 2: and I mean screams the loudest I ever have heard
2:46
Speaker 2: this kid ever scream. You better believe that woman backed
2:51
Speaker 2: way up out and maybe rethought a little bit all
2:57
Speaker 2: the things. Maybe she'd been thinking about what was happening
3:00
Speaker 2: in this parenting moment. I mean, let's face it, no
3:03
Speaker 2: matter what, people have so many opinions when it comes
3:07
Speaker 2: to parenting, how it should be done, the right way.
3:11
Speaker 2: I'm using quotes here, the right way, the wrong way,
3:13
Speaker 2: what's going to get you the best results? What are
3:15
Speaker 2: the guaranteed outcomes? All these different things that we try
3:18
Speaker 2: to tell ourselves about parenting, and why do we think
3:21
Speaker 2: these things and why are we so drawn to some
3:23
Speaker 2: of the latest trends and things that come along the
3:25
Speaker 2: way because we want to get it right. And for
3:29
Speaker 2: those of us who are of faith, we really believe
3:31
Speaker 2: this is one of our most important jobs, is helping
3:34
Speaker 2: our kids get to adulthood with an understanding of faith,
3:38
Speaker 2: walking hopefully, and good decision making, helping them be people
3:42
Speaker 2: of character and integrity and honor. So yes, parenting matters
3:47
Speaker 2: a lot, and that's also why we sometimes can really
3:51
Speaker 2: take it to heart when we see people trying or
3:53
Speaker 2: doing new things, or when people have feedback for us
3:57
Speaker 2: that feels interfering or harsh or not really supportive. I
4:01
Speaker 2: just feel so much for young parents today because I
4:05
Speaker 2: have to say, when I first started having babies, the
4:08
Speaker 2: goal in parenting was surviving. It was not necessarily thriving. However,
4:14
Speaker 2: you could survive the thing cool. That was great, and
4:18
Speaker 2: sure there were some parenting books out there and some
4:20
Speaker 2: different ideas, but for the most part, I don't know,
4:23
Speaker 2: it felt like people kind of stayed out of each
4:25
Speaker 2: other's business on this and you just were trying to
4:28
Speaker 2: raise good people right. Well, by the time I had
4:31
Speaker 2: babies four, five, six, seven, and eight, there were a
4:35
Speaker 2: whole lot more ideas about how it should be done,
4:39
Speaker 2: what should be done this kind of parent versus this
4:42
Speaker 2: kind of parent I have to share with you. I'm
4:45
Speaker 2: in I'm looking toward on the calendar. It's coming at
4:48
Speaker 2: me fast the ten year anniversary of my first book
4:51
Speaker 2: called Raising an Original, which is all about your kid's
4:54
Speaker 2: temperaments and personality styles and how that interplays with your
4:57
Speaker 2: personality style. And I can tell you for sure that
5:01
Speaker 2: one of the things I really wanted to do in
5:02
Speaker 2: that book, and I'm taking a look back in it
5:05
Speaker 2: and seeing if it fulfilled this brief was I wanted
5:07
Speaker 2: it to feel timeless, because what I certainly have seen
5:11
Speaker 2: is parenting trends that tend to come and go. Ideas
5:15
Speaker 2: and ways of doing things that are really hot for
5:18
Speaker 2: a minute, and then you turn around twice and here's
5:20
Speaker 2: everybody saying why you shouldn't be doing it that way.
5:24
Speaker 2: For you and I, as believers in God, we do
5:28
Speaker 2: feel a different way. And the anchor of how we
5:31
Speaker 2: parent our kids comes from that faith base. And so
5:35
Speaker 2: whatever we're looking at in parenting or whatever trends, we do,
5:38
Speaker 2: need to be looking at it through the lens that
5:41
Speaker 2: God examples for us in Scripture and what he wants
5:44
Speaker 2: us to do and the kind of parent that God is.
5:45
Speaker 2: That's one of the very most important things that we
5:48
Speaker 2: can incorporate into our parenting, whatever our style is, whatever
5:52
Speaker 2: the prevailing opinion at the moment is. I wanted to
5:55
Speaker 2: share this first. I know you're familiar with it, but
5:57
Speaker 2: I think it's so important. Proverbs twenty two verse six
6:00
Speaker 2: start children off in the way they should go, and
6:02
Speaker 2: even when they are old, they will not turn from it. Now, again,
6:07
Speaker 2: this speaks to something classic, right, something that's going to
6:10
Speaker 2: be enduring, something that's going to last. It's going to
6:13
Speaker 2: be something that stays with them through their lifetime. Because
6:16
Speaker 2: we for sure don't want to be using methods or
6:19
Speaker 2: ideas that pop up for a handful of months and
6:23
Speaker 2: then are gone again. So what are some of those
6:25
Speaker 2: trends that have popped up and what might be enduring
6:28
Speaker 2: or might be some things we need to let go
6:30
Speaker 2: of when we take a look at some of these trends.
6:32
Speaker 2: Here are three or four that I'm seeing a lot of. Now.
6:34
Speaker 2: This first one I think is really exciting. It's really
6:37
Speaker 2: interesting if being referred to as the analog comeback, the
6:41
Speaker 2: analogue comeback, I hear this a lot from my friends
6:46
Speaker 2: who have younger children. What it means is families are saying,
6:50
Speaker 2: you know what, we've done, the screens, we've done, the
6:53
Speaker 2: things they've got, all the games and devices and all
6:55
Speaker 2: the things. Let's make sure that we're doing things that
6:58
Speaker 2: are in person, that are real. So there's a comeback
7:01
Speaker 2: of things like board games or doing puzzles together, or
7:05
Speaker 2: creating boundaries of different sorts. I even know families who
7:08
Speaker 2: are going back to having a landline in their house
7:11
Speaker 2: and that's the only way you're going to be able
7:12
Speaker 2: to call into the house during times where the family
7:16
Speaker 2: is all together. Now, I personally, i'm past that. I'm
7:20
Speaker 2: not going to go that far. I'm going to keep
7:21
Speaker 2: my cell phone and my young adult children can have
7:23
Speaker 2: their cell phones, thank you very much. But I do
7:26
Speaker 2: appreciate what those kinds of analog boundaries create. They're reinforcing
7:32
Speaker 2: face to face time. They're reinforcing time for the family
7:35
Speaker 2: to really sit down and have fun together. Some of
7:38
Speaker 2: the best conversations and the biggest laughs my family ever
7:41
Speaker 2: has are when we are sitting around playing board games.
7:45
Speaker 2: Now do we have games too that we play on
7:47
Speaker 2: the screen, Because there are a whole bunch of things
7:49
Speaker 2: you can play today on different servers and things like
7:51
Speaker 2: that online, put it on your TV. Everybody gets out
7:53
Speaker 2: their phone and plays that way, absolutely, and we have
7:56
Speaker 2: a great time with that. But there's something unique about
7:58
Speaker 2: a board game or doing a puzzle together. As a
8:01
Speaker 2: matter of fact, this summer we are planning on doing
8:04
Speaker 2: a big lake time together with the Gathered family. We're
8:08
Speaker 2: a huge group and there has already been a request
8:11
Speaker 2: that there'd be a talent show. That's a great example
8:14
Speaker 2: of this analog comeback that we're talking about intentional ways
8:18
Speaker 2: in which you put the devices down and spend time together.
8:23
Speaker 2: It's more than just saying these are the restrictions we're
8:26
Speaker 2: going to have around when you can have your phone,
8:28
Speaker 2: when you can't, what apps you're going to have on it,
8:30
Speaker 2: on and on. It is an intentional decision to spend
8:34
Speaker 2: an evening doing something that doesn't require a device. And
8:38
Speaker 2: I think that's a beautiful thing to see. Is a
8:40
Speaker 2: parenting trend that's beginning to emerge more and more, the
8:43
Speaker 2: analog comeback. All right, here's another one. I'm excited to see.
8:48
Speaker 2: Hybrid parenting. Now, maybe you've heard a lot about gentle parenting,
8:53
Speaker 2: and I'm not trying to diss anybody on gentle parenting.
8:56
Speaker 2: I think there are really beautiful things to know about
9:00
Speaker 2: being able to help your child identify the emotions they're feeling,
9:03
Speaker 2: showing them how to regulate through those emotions, honoring what
9:08
Speaker 2: their experience is. As a person. You might feel one
9:11
Speaker 2: way about something that happens, your child might feel another,
9:14
Speaker 2: and for you to be able to help them to
9:15
Speaker 2: put words to that, that's beautiful and that's a lot
9:17
Speaker 2: of the core of gentle parenting. But maybe you've seen
9:22
Speaker 2: it too. There's a rigidity that has also come with
9:26
Speaker 2: gentle parenting. It insists that everybody who's going to speak
9:30
Speaker 2: to a child speak in a certain way. It has
9:33
Speaker 2: a very strange way of elevating how someone feels, how
9:37
Speaker 2: the emotion around something is with a child is the
9:41
Speaker 2: most important thing happening in that moment, And wherever you
9:46
Speaker 2: land on that scale, we all know that's not how
9:48
Speaker 2: the world actually works. We're gonna have to feel our
9:51
Speaker 2: emotions and often keep pushing. We're gonna have to feel
9:53
Speaker 2: our emotions and still get in the car seat. We're
9:55
Speaker 2: gonna have to feel our emotions and still it's going
9:58
Speaker 2: to be time to leave the pool or the park.
10:01
Speaker 2: And so there are really beautiful things that come out
10:04
Speaker 2: of gentle parenting. But this hybrid approach is actually probably
10:08
Speaker 2: a lot more sound for your kids. Psychologists are beginning
10:11
Speaker 2: to see, and we cover this on a previous episode,
10:13
Speaker 2: that we have kids who are experiencing more and more
10:17
Speaker 2: anxiety even as gentle parenting has made this rise. Why
10:22
Speaker 2: because kids actually thrive when they know the limitations, when
10:26
Speaker 2: they know the boundaries, when they know that no matter
10:29
Speaker 2: how big a fit I'm throwing, I am going to
10:32
Speaker 2: have to sit in the car seat in order to
10:33
Speaker 2: be able to go to the grocery store. There's safety
10:36
Speaker 2: for children when we do incorporate those important limits, those
10:40
Speaker 2: important boundaries, even if they don't like the way it
10:44
Speaker 2: makes them feel. So this rise of a hybrid parenting
10:49
Speaker 2: that does incorporate all the beautiful things we see in
10:51
Speaker 2: gentle parenting. Again, that great emotional intelligence of understanding how
10:57
Speaker 2: you're feeling, putting words to it, taking a pause, letting
11:00
Speaker 2: somebody feel it, and then equipping them to regulate that emotion.
11:04
Speaker 2: That's gorgeous. I hope that doesn't go away. At the
11:08
Speaker 2: same time, I also hope that we can do a
11:11
Speaker 2: great job helping kids. Know, Hey, sometimes you got to
11:14
Speaker 2: buckle up and go, even if it's what you don't like.
11:17
Speaker 2: And the reason I say that is because I know
11:19
Speaker 2: it's going to serve them better in adulthood. Which remember,
11:24
Speaker 2: that's what we're doing here, right, We are preparing kids
11:27
Speaker 2: for launch. We're preparing them for a world they're going
11:31
Speaker 2: to encounter, not the world as we wish it could be,
11:34
Speaker 2: although that could be a beautiful place and maybe some
11:37
Speaker 2: of those things will happen, but the world as it
11:39
Speaker 2: actually is. It doesn't mean we have to be harsh
11:42
Speaker 2: and hard in our family units, absolutely not. Our kids
11:46
Speaker 2: need soft places to fail and to fall and to
11:49
Speaker 2: try again. But at the same time, if we bubble
11:52
Speaker 2: wrap our kids so completely that they don't understand that's
11:55
Speaker 2: not how the world works. And we're doing it in
11:57
Speaker 2: the name of really legalistic, gentle parenting, we are short
12:02
Speaker 2: changing our kids. So I for one, am really excited
12:05
Speaker 2: to see more of this hybrid model coming into view.
12:08
Speaker 2: All right, here's another thing I'm excited about when it
12:10
Speaker 2: comes to parenting trends. It feels like we're starting to
12:14
Speaker 2: ditch the super parent myth. I hope so, because it
12:20
Speaker 2: is so lonely when you feel like you're the only
12:23
Speaker 2: one who is struggling and someone else is saying, well,
12:26
Speaker 2: I just did this, and I did that, and know
12:27
Speaker 2: we insist that our kids do blah blah blah, and
12:29
Speaker 2: so they have to do it, and you're going, well,
12:31
Speaker 2: what am I doing wrong? I love the vulnerability and
12:34
Speaker 2: the transparency that I feel like we're seeing more of
12:36
Speaker 2: today when it comes to people being really honest about
12:39
Speaker 2: the experiences they're having in their parenting, that we don't
12:42
Speaker 2: necessarily feel like we've got to put on this veneer
12:45
Speaker 2: that we've got it all together. You know, we went
12:47
Speaker 2: through a period of time it felt like, for example,
12:49
Speaker 2: in our social media channels where people were just producing
12:53
Speaker 2: let's say on Instagram, their grid looks so polished, and
12:57
Speaker 2: I'm drawn to it because in the chaos of my world,
12:59
Speaker 2: when something is visually an esthetically appealing and very balanced
13:02
Speaker 2: and very neutral and soft, I love it. My brain's like, oh,
13:06
Speaker 2: that is a relief to look at something like that.
13:09
Speaker 2: The problem is, we started trying to make our lives
13:11
Speaker 2: match those aesthetics. I'm going to say it again, we
13:14
Speaker 2: started trying to make our lives match those aesthetics forgetting
13:18
Speaker 2: that it's unesthetic. It is something that is pretty, it
13:23
Speaker 2: is something that is curated. And yes, there are levels
13:26
Speaker 2: in our lives where we can make something pretty or
13:28
Speaker 2: we can curate it. But life with kids, you know,
13:30
Speaker 2: I know, it's always going to be a little chaotic.
13:33
Speaker 2: That's part of the fun, that's part of the adventure,
13:35
Speaker 2: that's part of the growth path of being a parent.
13:38
Speaker 2: So I'm really excited that we are starting to drop
13:41
Speaker 2: some of that super parent narrative. Now. Where I think
13:45
Speaker 2: we're going to want to be really careful is sometimes
13:48
Speaker 2: we overcorrect too far right. We could have a danger
13:53
Speaker 2: zone here of going from that super parent all the
13:56
Speaker 2: way to this very jaded, apathetic kind of person. And
14:03
Speaker 2: that's maybe what we start seeing more on social media,
14:05
Speaker 2: somebody talking about how, oh my kids are just you
14:09
Speaker 2: know this and that and I'm this and I'm that
14:11
Speaker 2: and blah blah blah. There's such a tender balance. And
14:15
Speaker 2: I don't know exactly what the formula should be, but
14:18
Speaker 2: there's a really tender balance between something that's overly polished
14:23
Speaker 2: to the point that it's not true and something that
14:26
Speaker 2: is so raw and unfiltered and transparent that it's just
14:30
Speaker 2: a downer. I hope somewhere we can hit a really
14:33
Speaker 2: great balance in exiting more of this superparent era, where
14:38
Speaker 2: we can just be more realistic, but at the same
14:41
Speaker 2: time have really high standards for ourselves as parents, have
14:47
Speaker 2: all kinds of hopes and encouragement and excitement about our
14:52
Speaker 2: kids and how we're raising them. Somewhere in the blend
14:55
Speaker 2: of that, I think would be a really beautiful thing.
14:58
Speaker 2: I hope we don't have to tilt too far out
15:00
Speaker 2: the other side after this superparent thing in order to
15:02
Speaker 2: come back. We'll see what happens.
15:08
Speaker 1: You think that you are in the final round of
15:12
Speaker 1: getting all this parenting done. You've got kids who are
15:15
Speaker 1: in high school. You're starting to think about college, and
15:18
Speaker 1: you're thinking, this is it.
15:19
Speaker 2: I'm Julie Lyles Carr. I'm a podcaster and I'm a
15:22
Speaker 2: mom of eight.
15:23
Speaker 1: And here's what i want you to know about George
15:26
Speaker 1: Fox University. It's a different way of doing college. Why
15:30
Speaker 1: Because yes, it's all about getting a fantastic degree to
15:33
Speaker 1: set your kid up for their future. They have sixty
15:36
Speaker 1: undergrad programs available at George Fox University.
15:40
Speaker 2: But that's not where the story ends. It's also about
15:43
Speaker 2: equipping them spiritually. If you get out of college with
15:46
Speaker 2: a degree but.
15:47
Speaker 1: You don't have a closer relationship with God, that obviously
15:50
Speaker 1: is going to deeply impact what your young adult life
15:54
Speaker 1: looks like. So for your kid is I want you
15:57
Speaker 1: to consider what would it mean for your child to
16:00
Speaker 1: be able to go to George Fox University where ninety
16:02
Speaker 1: three percent of George Fox students say they now have
16:06
Speaker 1: a closer.
16:07
Speaker 2: Relationship with Jesus.
16:09
Speaker 3: George Fox University is located in the Pacific northwestern Oregon.
16:13
Speaker 3: They have twenty three Division three athletic programs, and one
16:18
Speaker 3: hundred percent of students at George Fox University receive financial aid.
16:24
Speaker 2: George Fox University is dedicated to their promise they want
16:27
Speaker 2: every student to be known for who God created them
16:30
Speaker 2: to be.
16:31
Speaker 1: So listen, parents, Yeah, you are getting into some of
16:34
Speaker 1: those final laps, but you definitely want to make these
16:38
Speaker 1: last laps count in a big way when it comes
16:41
Speaker 1: to the legacy.
16:41
Speaker 2: Of your parenting.
16:42
Speaker 1: So be sure and check out for your student George
16:46
Speaker 1: Fox dot edu.
16:48
Speaker 2: That's George Fox dot edu all right. Trend number four
16:55
Speaker 2: and that is simplifying, simplifying and saying no to overscheduling.
17:00
Speaker 2: Who chief among centers was I when my kids were
17:04
Speaker 2: in certain ages and stages. I look back at some
17:07
Speaker 2: of the calendaring during that time period and I don't
17:11
Speaker 2: stand in awe, like, wow, Jules, look, you held down
17:15
Speaker 2: full time work and writing books and getting these kids
17:17
Speaker 2: to eight million different things.
17:19
Speaker 1: No.
17:19
Speaker 2: I look back and I think, what on earth was
17:22
Speaker 2: I doing? We were signed up for so many things,
17:26
Speaker 2: all the things, and in my head it meant that
17:29
Speaker 2: I was a good mom. And of course I was
17:31
Speaker 2: also playing with the law of large numbers because eight
17:34
Speaker 2: kids with all different kinds of ideas, and on and
17:36
Speaker 2: on and on. Now listen, there were times I did better.
17:40
Speaker 2: I knew that the thing was not the thing. I
17:42
Speaker 2: knew if I was going to sign my kid up
17:44
Speaker 2: for something, it needed to have more value than just
17:46
Speaker 2: whatever the activity was itself, because the reality is very
17:50
Speaker 2: few of our kids are going to go on to
17:52
Speaker 2: become let's say, pro basketball players, or you know, professional
17:57
Speaker 2: dancers or professional ice skaters or whatever the thing is.
18:01
Speaker 2: There needs to be something more. You've probably heard me
18:04
Speaker 2: say it before on the podcast, you may have read
18:06
Speaker 2: it in my book or in some of my articles,
18:08
Speaker 2: but there's got to be more than just the thing afoot. Now,
18:11
Speaker 2: in my case, there was. My kids were doing some
18:14
Speaker 2: really high level performance and dance, which was great, and
18:18
Speaker 2: they certainly learned some incredible skills through that, not the
18:22
Speaker 2: least of which was how to receive feedback and make
18:26
Speaker 2: improvements on things. I mean, it's just like a superpower
18:29
Speaker 2: because it was so much part of the dance world
18:31
Speaker 2: that they were part of. But when I look at
18:34
Speaker 2: how busy we were to do the thing, I think, wow,
18:40
Speaker 2: that is something that if I could, I would sit
18:42
Speaker 2: down and have a little chat with myself about. I
18:45
Speaker 2: don't know exactly how it would change, because I had
18:48
Speaker 2: kids who were really passionate about what they were doing,
18:51
Speaker 2: but I certainly think that it would have been well
18:55
Speaker 2: advised for my husband and I to have really sat
18:58
Speaker 2: down and said, Okay, if we're going to commit to this,
19:00
Speaker 2: then we have some extracurriculars that are going to need
19:03
Speaker 2: to go. Are we willing to do that? How are
19:05
Speaker 2: we willing to divvy up more of the household responsibilities
19:08
Speaker 2: in order to make this thing happen if we think
19:10
Speaker 2: it's that important for the kids. You know, so often
19:13
Speaker 2: you just land in scheduling that you didn't really choose,
19:17
Speaker 2: you didn't really plat out well, and the basic thing
19:20
Speaker 2: you're doing is trying to make it all happen. There's
19:23
Speaker 2: not this meta conversation about why are we doing this
19:27
Speaker 2: and how is it really going to fit? So I
19:29
Speaker 2: love that there are more conversations now happening in parenting
19:32
Speaker 2: when it comes to simplifying and saying no, this is
19:37
Speaker 2: so important, and I think it may be too. One
19:40
Speaker 2: of the reasons that we do see some of the
19:42
Speaker 2: rise in anxiety that we do in kids, we've kept
19:45
Speaker 2: them so incredibly overscheduled. Here's the other thing for a
19:50
Speaker 2: lot of us who had kids who were say, young
19:52
Speaker 2: elementary junior high during COVID, which I did as soon
19:55
Speaker 2: as we got out of that time period, and people
19:58
Speaker 2: were taking a look and researchers were taking a look
20:00
Speaker 2: look and saying, wow, this is a generation who may
20:02
Speaker 2: struggle when it comes to social social things, socialization, knowing
20:06
Speaker 2: how to interact because they've had two years locked indoors. Well,
20:11
Speaker 2: then it was kind of pedal to the metal again
20:13
Speaker 2: because I wanted them to be able to be in
20:15
Speaker 2: those kinds of settings since they'd had this big gap
20:19
Speaker 2: so it may be too that part of the overscheduling
20:21
Speaker 2: that we've seen a little bit has been in reaction
20:25
Speaker 2: to lockdown. And maybe this is a great opportunity, now
20:28
Speaker 2: that we're a few years out, to take a pause,
20:31
Speaker 2: rethink a few things, and maybe go, huh, there's probably
20:35
Speaker 2: a better way to put all of this together. I
20:37
Speaker 2: want to share this verse from Matthew eleven twenty eight
20:39
Speaker 2: through thirty. Come to me, all you who are weary
20:42
Speaker 2: and burdened, and I will give you rest. My yoke
20:45
Speaker 2: is easy and my burden is light. I really would
20:49
Speaker 2: love to go talk to previous Julie and say, hey, girl,
20:52
Speaker 2: family life. Remember with Jesus, the burden is supposed to
20:56
Speaker 2: be easy and light, and maybe you Jewle are the
21:00
Speaker 2: one who's making it harder than it needs to be.
21:03
Speaker 2: All right, now, this is the one I want to
21:05
Speaker 2: be really tender run because this is a trend that
21:08
Speaker 2: we have seen emerge. I think we're seeing some of
21:11
Speaker 2: it resolve, but I have several people in my world
21:15
Speaker 2: who are deeply impacted by this. We've alluded to it
21:19
Speaker 2: in a few previous episodes. There's a lot of great
21:22
Speaker 2: content out there in general. You can look at when
21:24
Speaker 2: it comes to this, and there's a lot of terrible
21:27
Speaker 2: content and messaging, and I would ask you to really
21:31
Speaker 2: be in prayer about how to discern on this next trend,
21:35
Speaker 2: wherever you may fall on this scale, wherever your experience is,
21:38
Speaker 2: to really be peerful about what this means in your
21:41
Speaker 2: own life. All Right, you probably know what I'm going
21:44
Speaker 2: to say next, and that is the big one, the
21:47
Speaker 2: no contact trend. I have to be honest with you.
21:52
Speaker 2: When I first started seeing no contact emerge, I was
21:56
Speaker 2: trying to get my head around it. I had known
21:59
Speaker 2: families four years who might have a lot of conflict
22:02
Speaker 2: or see things differently or whatever, and they just, you know,
22:08
Speaker 2: they just had conflict and they just saw things differently.
22:10
Speaker 2: But the option to opt out of each other's lives
22:14
Speaker 2: was simply not really on the table. I knew very
22:19
Speaker 2: few people, say ten fifteen years ago, who either had
22:23
Speaker 2: broken contact with their own families or who had children
22:26
Speaker 2: who had broken contact with them. Now I know a
22:30
Speaker 2: whole lot more people. The numbers have jumped incredibly. The
22:34
Speaker 2: stats tell us that one in ten people will go
22:38
Speaker 2: no contact whichever direction. Either they're the ones who have
22:41
Speaker 2: been told I'm not going to have contact with you,
22:43
Speaker 2: or they're the ones saying I'm not going to be
22:45
Speaker 2: in contact with family. So one in ten over a lifetime,
22:49
Speaker 2: right now and right now actively one in four. One
22:55
Speaker 2: in four. That means that anybody in your church congregation
23:02
Speaker 2: you could look at and go wow, maybe up to
23:05
Speaker 2: twenty five percent of these folks are experiencing some level
23:09
Speaker 2: of no contact. That is wild. Now, I want to
23:16
Speaker 2: be clear. I have some people in my life who
23:19
Speaker 2: have needed to go no contact, and I fully support
23:24
Speaker 2: the why and the wherefore on it. We're talking about
23:27
Speaker 2: significant abuse situations, things of that nature. I also have
23:32
Speaker 2: people in my life that they are the ones experiencing
23:37
Speaker 2: their child saying I'm not going to have contact with you.
23:40
Speaker 2: And it's over politics, It's over differences of opinion and
23:46
Speaker 2: how to do certain things. It is over things that
23:49
Speaker 2: I would say fifteen years ago we never would have
23:52
Speaker 2: ended a relationship over, and yet here we are today.
23:56
Speaker 2: I think there are very good reasons, very therapeutic reasons,
24:01
Speaker 2: to choose to go no contact. But I want to
24:03
Speaker 2: tell you this in talking and in listening to and
24:06
Speaker 2: researching with several people who are in the therapy space.
24:10
Speaker 2: License professional counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists. Most of them say they've
24:16
Speaker 2: never advised a patient to go no contact, and that
24:21
Speaker 2: if they ever have, it has been for really extreme reasons.
24:26
Speaker 2: Their take on this trend is that what we're seeing
24:29
Speaker 2: is people are struggling to know how to manage conflict,
24:33
Speaker 2: how to manage difference of opinion, how to regulate their
24:36
Speaker 2: own emotions when they don't see eye to eye on something,
24:40
Speaker 2: and instead of doing the hard work of working through
24:44
Speaker 2: it simply becomes an avoidance technique. Again, let me say
24:48
Speaker 2: very clearly, I do think there are those situations where
24:52
Speaker 2: you do have to break contact. I'm not saying it's
24:56
Speaker 2: never the right option. The challenge is knowing when to
25:01
Speaker 2: activate it. And when I look at the pain that
25:05
Speaker 2: is caused, to say, for example, parents who've raised their
25:09
Speaker 2: kids and now those kids have gone no contact, or
25:13
Speaker 2: for someone to have to make a decision to go
25:15
Speaker 2: no contact, so much pain engaged in all of that conversation.
25:20
Speaker 2: I would hope on both sides whatever is going on,
25:24
Speaker 2: that reconciliation could be the goal, not avoidance. Reconciliation Are
25:32
Speaker 2: there times where someone crosses appropriate boundaries they just slam
25:37
Speaker 2: right over them? Yes. Does it always mean you have
25:41
Speaker 2: to go no contact? No, it does mean you can
25:44
Speaker 2: remove and say, hey, this is how our family's going
25:48
Speaker 2: to say celebrate this holiday. And if this person says, well,
25:51
Speaker 2: I'm just going to run right over that boundary, then
25:54
Speaker 2: you can say, you know what, then this year we're
25:56
Speaker 2: not going to be in town for that holiday. Love you,
26:00
Speaker 2: this is how we're going to do it, and we'll
26:03
Speaker 2: see you at another time. I think that what is
26:07
Speaker 2: missing maybe are some of these interim steps. That's what
26:12
Speaker 2: I hope we get a little more adept at doing,
26:16
Speaker 2: because here's the thing. God placed us in the community
26:18
Speaker 2: of families for our good. We shouldn't just be in
26:22
Speaker 2: an echo chamber. We all the time are only hearing
26:25
Speaker 2: the things that we prefer, or the way we think
26:28
Speaker 2: things should be, or the way that we would design
26:31
Speaker 2: the world. We need iron sharpening iron, and when iron
26:36
Speaker 2: sharpens iron, there are sparks. There are times that it's
26:40
Speaker 2: a little heated, and that's okay. I'm not talking about
26:44
Speaker 2: constant conflict. I'm not talking about someone who is cruel
26:47
Speaker 2: to you. I'm not talking about any of that. I
26:50
Speaker 2: am talking about the casualness with which this no contact
26:57
Speaker 2: trend is happening both sides. Wherever you are in this equation,
27:03
Speaker 2: there is a legitimacy. There are things that need to
27:06
Speaker 2: be considered, and there is such beauty in an acceptance
27:13
Speaker 2: of people as they are, an acceptance of their experiences.
27:17
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you have to onboard it. It doesn't
27:20
Speaker 2: mean that it's a diatribe against you. Wherever you find
27:25
Speaker 2: yourself in this equation, in this trend right now, here
27:27
Speaker 2: are a couple of things that I want you to know.
27:30
Speaker 2: The trend itself does seem to be lifting a bit,
27:35
Speaker 2: and I'm so thankful I'm hearing more and more mental
27:38
Speaker 2: health professionals get into the conversation and say, whohoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
27:42
Speaker 2: We've had a whole lot of TikTok psychology and trending
27:46
Speaker 2: going on with this. But there are costs to going
27:49
Speaker 2: no contact. And here's the other thing I would say too.
27:53
Speaker 2: If you find yourself in a situation in which you
27:55
Speaker 2: really think that would be the best decision for you
27:58
Speaker 2: and your family, for your kids, whatever's going on, how
28:01
Speaker 2: about this, get with a trusted, licensed professional, explain what's
28:07
Speaker 2: going on and get their take on it. Because what
28:09
Speaker 2: you don't want to do is create more damage where
28:12
Speaker 2: it's unnecessary. Now I'm going to say one more time,
28:15
Speaker 2: just to make sure I've been very clear. I absolutely
28:18
Speaker 2: have people in my life who have been through such
28:22
Speaker 2: horrific situations with their families of origin. They've had to
28:26
Speaker 2: go no contact, and I fully support their decision on that.
28:30
Speaker 2: And then I also have people in my life that
28:33
Speaker 2: because someone thought this or said this, or voted for
28:37
Speaker 2: whoever they've made the decision, they will no longer be
28:42
Speaker 2: in contact with them, and that I think is incredibly sad.
28:47
Speaker 2: I don't think that is the greater part of maturity.
28:51
Speaker 2: I don't think that's us living in our best self.
28:54
Speaker 2: People are messy, Living alongside people causes friction. How about
29:00
Speaker 2: gathering the tools that help you navigate in a situation
29:04
Speaker 2: like that rather than just avoiding. Okay, that's enough, soafbox
29:09
Speaker 2: on that for today. Now here's what doesn't change in parenting,
29:12
Speaker 2: no matter what, no matter what the trends are. Now, look,
29:16
Speaker 2: parenting trends come and go. We've had helicopter moms and
29:19
Speaker 2: tiger moms and free range kids, and we've had general
29:23
Speaker 2: parenting and now we're high variety. We're hybriding everything and
29:26
Speaker 2: pulling it all into the soup and trying to make
29:28
Speaker 2: something of it. Here's what I do know for sure.
29:30
Speaker 2: They come and go. You know, the things that were
29:33
Speaker 2: the big, big deal ten years ago. Now we have
29:36
Speaker 2: people looking back and going, oh, that was terrible, I
29:38
Speaker 2: would never do that. And then we have this resurrection
29:41
Speaker 2: coming around of kind of some old school parenting ways
29:44
Speaker 2: and all sorts of stuff. Bottom line, the trends do
29:46
Speaker 2: come and go. But here's what doesn't change. Your kids
29:50
Speaker 2: need to feel loved, known, celebrated, safe, And that's not trends.
30:01
Speaker 2: That is wiring. That is what God put in us.
30:05
Speaker 2: When we nurture well, when our kids feel like they
30:09
Speaker 2: are valued for exactly who they are, when they know
30:12
Speaker 2: that they are safe with you, when they know that
30:14
Speaker 2: you're not going to explode on them out of nowhere,
30:17
Speaker 2: or if you make a mistake, you're going to apologize.
30:20
Speaker 2: If they know those things, that never changes, no matter
30:24
Speaker 2: the era, no matter who is the loudest voice in
30:26
Speaker 2: the room at the time. So how's that going for you?
30:30
Speaker 2: How are those goals going for you? That your children
30:33
Speaker 2: feel known, loved, safe, accepted, nurtured. All right, here's another
30:39
Speaker 2: thing that does not change, and that is God as
30:44
Speaker 2: part of our families, in our family life, the things
30:47
Speaker 2: He speaks to us, the character traits he calls us
30:50
Speaker 2: up to, the standards that he sets. That doesn't change.
30:55
Speaker 2: His word has been with us for all these millennia now,
30:59
Speaker 2: and willing it will be with us far beyond our
31:02
Speaker 2: lives and the generations to come, we'll be able to
31:05
Speaker 2: access it. That doesn't change God's presence in our families.
31:10
Speaker 2: And so I want to encourage you. You know I've
31:12
Speaker 2: shared before I have parented for a long time, and
31:16
Speaker 2: from the birth of that first baby until those twins
31:18
Speaker 2: were born, I actually have represented in my own children
31:22
Speaker 2: multiple generations, each with these generational personalities and expectations and
31:27
Speaker 2: trends that have risen and fallen during that time. I myself.
31:32
Speaker 2: The best thing I can tell you through all of
31:35
Speaker 2: it is take the time to get to know your child,
31:39
Speaker 2: the one God has put in your family. He has
31:42
Speaker 2: a unique call, a unique design for that kid, and
31:46
Speaker 2: you are the person He has called to parent that kid.
31:50
Speaker 2: No one has ever parented your kid before. This is
31:53
Speaker 2: the first time this human has made an appearance on
31:57
Speaker 2: this earth. And you get to be the one to
31:59
Speaker 2: pay parent them, nurture them, draw that out in them,
32:03
Speaker 2: and share God's love with them. That's something that endures
32:08
Speaker 2: far beyond the trends, far beyond the challenges. That's something
32:12
Speaker 2: that becomes everlasting. All right, friend, Well, I want to
32:16
Speaker 2: encourage you to go check out more episodes like this one.
32:19
Speaker 2: If you like this one, grab a link, send it
32:21
Speaker 2: to a friend who could you could benefit by hearing it.
32:24
Speaker 2: And I love it too. When you go back and
32:26
Speaker 2: you look through some of the older episodes, Rebecca puts
32:29
Speaker 2: together show notes every week, and so I want you
32:31
Speaker 2: to go take a look at those that there's a transcript,
32:33
Speaker 2: there are links, there are different references to things that
32:35
Speaker 2: we talked about. Those are really helpful. Also, check out
32:38
Speaker 2: Allman does on the web and on socials and I
32:42
Speaker 2: love it too. When you come to see me over
32:43
Speaker 2: at Julie Lyle's car on Instagram's where I usually hang out,
32:46
Speaker 2: that's a great place for us to interact and being
32:48
Speaker 2: to send me dms or I can answer questions like
32:51
Speaker 2: this like what are the parenting trends today and what
32:53
Speaker 2: do you think about them? And so I want you
32:55
Speaker 2: to take the time to go over and say hi
32:57
Speaker 2: to me over in those dms so that I can
32:59
Speaker 2: make sure of it. Ever, episode of the podcast is
33:02
Speaker 2: directed straight toward you, right to your heart, right where
33:05
Speaker 2: you live, Write what's important to you, and I will
33:07
Speaker 2: see you next time on the album of this podcast