Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #934 Fixing Ruined Weekends & Relationships

Transcript

#934 Fixing Ruined Weekends & Relationships · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
0:07
Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers Now.
0:10
Speaker 1: It's that time of the week. Every Friday. On the
0:12
Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast, Kylie and I talk about what's going
0:15
Speaker 1: well and what's not in our family. We call I'll
0:17
Speaker 1: do Better Tomorrow. The idea is that we want to
0:20
Speaker 1: be intentional parents. We want to reflect on where we're
0:23
Speaker 1: nailing it and where we're failing it. Kylie, this week,
0:26
Speaker 1: I don't really want to confess this, but I've got
0:29
Speaker 1: a complete fail as a parent, got it really really wrong.
0:34
Speaker 1: Not sure what you're going to share, although I can
0:37
Speaker 1: think of a failure that you might share. Not that
0:41
Speaker 1: I'm twenty fingers or anything. But before we dive into
0:44
Speaker 1: I'll do Better Tomorrow, it has been a tough week.
0:46
Speaker 1: Every time I go on and give a talk, somebody says, hey,
0:48
Speaker 1: how's that homeschooling thing going? Like, you guys are so crazy.
0:50
Speaker 1: You're homeschooling your two youngest kids. What were you thinking?
0:52
Speaker 1: Is it working? We right? Okay? So, and the first
0:56
Speaker 1: thing I said to the well, Kylie is doing an
0:57
Speaker 1: incredible job because I'm off doing seminars and that kind
1:02
Speaker 1: of stuff. But I just thought I would check in
1:04
Speaker 1: on behalf of everybody who has asked how home school
1:06
Speaker 1: is going? What would your thirty second summary of that be.
1:10
Speaker 2: I'm so glad you're asking me this today and not
1:12
Speaker 2: a few days ago when I was end up having
1:14
Speaker 2: absolute melts out.
1:15
Speaker 1: But it wasn't going well.
1:16
Speaker 2: Homeschooling is hard. It's hard. The only saving grace that
1:21
Speaker 2: I have right now is the acknowledgment that I know,
1:24
Speaker 2: at the very core of my being that we've made
1:26
Speaker 2: the right decision for our kids. But trying to find
1:31
Speaker 2: the balance, I don't even know if balance is the
1:33
Speaker 2: right word. Just trying to find a rhythm. Rhythm would
1:37
Speaker 2: be better because it changes all the time. Right, trying
1:39
Speaker 2: to find our rhythm has been really, really tricky, and.
1:43
Speaker 1: No doubt it will continue to be. But how good
1:46
Speaker 1: does it feel to know that we're doing the right thing,
1:48
Speaker 1: even though it's really hard?
1:49
Speaker 2: Like I said, that's the saving grace at this point,
1:53
Speaker 2: you know that you're heading in the right direction, then
1:55
Speaker 2: you can actually deal with the hard.
1:57
Speaker 1: I've got to say, though, I really want the kids
1:59
Speaker 1: to go back to school soon, Like I don't know
2:01
Speaker 1: that I want to do this for the whole time.
2:04
Speaker 2: You are hilarious. When are you home?
2:06
Speaker 1: I can't believe you saying that, all right, let's do
2:08
Speaker 1: older better tomorrow before this devolves into something that it shouldn't.
2:11
Speaker 1: Older Better tomorrow means you know I'm going to go first.
2:13
Speaker 1: I'm going to I'm just going to confess. Anyone who's
2:16
Speaker 1: listened to this podcast for a long time knows that
2:18
Speaker 1: one of the recurring themes on our conversation is we
2:24
Speaker 1: don't get holidays right very often.
2:26
Speaker 2: I feel like you just get mileage out of this
2:28
Speaker 2: now you put it out there on no and I
2:31
Speaker 2: feel like you just manifested every holiday for Christmas.
2:35
Speaker 1: We decided that we were going to be really on
2:37
Speaker 1: the ball with this and we committed to as a
2:40
Speaker 1: family having a family get away every month, especially since
2:42
Speaker 1: my travel schedule is so big. We know that we
2:44
Speaker 1: need high quality time together and the best way to
2:46
Speaker 1: do that is to get away from the house, not
2:48
Speaker 1: worry about all the chores and the dramas. And we
2:50
Speaker 1: found a whole bunch of low cost and no cost
2:52
Speaker 1: options so that we can spend time with family and
2:54
Speaker 1: friends or stay lovely cheap places for a weekend, just
2:58
Speaker 1: so that we can get that high quality family time.
3:00
Speaker 1: In last weekend, we were supposed to be in Angowrie.
3:03
Speaker 1: For those of you who are unfamiliar with the territory,
3:05
Speaker 1: and gowy yamber I Luca is south about five hours
3:09
Speaker 1: south of where we are on the would you call
3:11
Speaker 1: the mid north coast of New South Wales.
3:14
Speaker 2: Where did we end up?
3:15
Speaker 1: Unfortunately, unfortunately, when I booked and Gowy the weekend was clear. Somehow,
3:23
Speaker 1: somehow I let a booking slip through the cracks after
3:26
Speaker 1: we'd already booked the holiday, And when I checked the
3:29
Speaker 1: calendar four or five days before we were supposed to
3:31
Speaker 1: leave for Angwie, I discovered that I had to speak
3:35
Speaker 1: in Gladstone. So I rang you and said, I've made
3:38
Speaker 1: a terrible mistake. I'm supposed to be in Gladston. Book
3:40
Speaker 1: We've got Angery booked and you said see you later
3:47
Speaker 1: and I said no, no, no, you were.
3:49
Speaker 2: On our holidays line I will.
3:51
Speaker 1: I said, there's a family holiday. What if I can
3:53
Speaker 1: try and convince the people on a Goowy that we've
3:55
Speaker 1: actually paid for a place to stay. What if I
3:58
Speaker 1: can convince them to let us push that back for
4:00
Speaker 1: a couple of months and we'll book that in down
4:01
Speaker 1: the track.
4:02
Speaker 2: Well, I'll let you take it. But I was actually
4:04
Speaker 2: the one who you're saying this. I was the one
4:06
Speaker 2: who suggested.
4:08
Speaker 1: We booked it. We've changed the day I booked Gladstone.
4:11
Speaker 1: The idea. I just have to be really clear about this, okay.
4:14
Speaker 1: The idea of a family weekend is that we leave
4:16
Speaker 1: on Friday morning, and we have most of Friday, all
4:19
Speaker 1: of Saturday and most of Sunday, and then we come home.
4:22
Speaker 1: But once we made the change in booking, you pointed
4:25
Speaker 1: out that, oh, there's a couple of things that I
4:26
Speaker 1: do need to do on Friday, and I said, well,
4:29
Speaker 1: that's important, but don't forget. We've also got to vote
4:31
Speaker 1: for the council elections on Saturday.
4:33
Speaker 2: And it didn't exist.
4:34
Speaker 1: It didn't exist. I was a month early, and so
4:37
Speaker 1: we decided that we'd leave on Saturday morning, nice and early.
4:40
Speaker 1: That Saturday morning nice and early turned out being like
4:43
Speaker 1: ten o'clock, eleven o'clock something like that. Gladstone's five hours
4:47
Speaker 1: north of where we live. We didn't arrive in Gladston
4:50
Speaker 1: until like five or six o'clock on Saturday night for
4:53
Speaker 1: our weekend away. It was just terrible and then. I mean,
4:57
Speaker 1: the kids just wanted to go and play in the
4:59
Speaker 1: pool at the hotel, but the pool was the size
5:00
Speaker 1: of a bath tub. And I woke up on well,
5:04
Speaker 1: I couldn't even spend time with the family on Saturday
5:07
Speaker 1: night anyway, because I had to prepare all of my
5:08
Speaker 1: remarks for the following day. And I mean it just
5:12
Speaker 1: it completely blew up, totally got it wrong, absolutely disaster.
5:15
Speaker 1: Gave my talk on Sunday, got in the car and said,
5:18
Speaker 1: all right, kids, let's drive home. So we spent five
5:20
Speaker 1: hours in the car driving home, got home just in
5:22
Speaker 1: time to cook dinner, and we blew it. We blew
5:26
Speaker 1: it again. I'll do better tomorrow. I've already double checked.
5:29
Speaker 1: I promise you our March family get away number one.
5:32
Speaker 1: It's a freebie. Somebody very close to us, very generously
5:35
Speaker 1: has said that we can use a unit of theirs
5:37
Speaker 1: down at Kira. They're not going to be using it
5:39
Speaker 1: that particular weekend, so we're getting a freebie. There's no
5:43
Speaker 1: double bookings, and I'm flying in from Melbourne and meeting
5:46
Speaker 1: you there so that we can. It just makes transport easier.
5:50
Speaker 1: And I was going to be away the night before anyway,
5:52
Speaker 1: so I'll do better tomorrow. I've already done it. We're clear,
5:55
Speaker 1: it's happening. It's up to you to get there. I'll
5:57
Speaker 1: already be their job done. But oh, oh my goodness,
6:00
Speaker 1: how hard is it to just put together a family weekend? Well, look,
6:04
Speaker 1: it did.
6:04
Speaker 2: Not go as planned, and you have made it sound
6:07
Speaker 2: like it was an awful weekend.
6:10
Speaker 1: It was eleven hours in the car with the kids
6:12
Speaker 1: and no family time.
6:13
Speaker 2: I actually was biing away at how well the kids
6:16
Speaker 2: did in the car.
6:16
Speaker 1: It's amazing what scrums will do. No, I know, I
6:20
Speaker 1: was seizing. They were actually really good. We had some
6:21
Speaker 1: fun conversations.
6:22
Speaker 2: We had some great conversations, play some great games with them.
6:26
Speaker 1: And you slept a lot in the.
6:29
Speaker 2: So maybe they were on their screens and I wasn't
6:31
Speaker 2: with you know what.
6:32
Speaker 1: I actually had about an hour and a half conversation
6:34
Speaker 1: with one of our kids while you were asleep, and
6:36
Speaker 1: it was just a delight. It was so nice to
6:38
Speaker 1: have her attention and for her to have mine. There
6:41
Speaker 1: were some positives to come out of it, but ultimately
6:44
Speaker 1: it was terrible. It was It was just not what
6:46
Speaker 1: it was supposed to be. And I feel like I
6:48
Speaker 1: let the family down. All right, that's my old about
6:53
Speaker 1: it tomorrow, let's talk about yours. Did you have a win?
6:57
Speaker 1: You know I didn't. You're you're going to tell the
7:00
Speaker 1: story that I was hoping. You're going to talk about
7:02
Speaker 1: what happened when we got home, aren't you. Yes, thank
7:04
Speaker 1: you for the preliauge. Yes, okay, so you always looks
7:08
Speaker 1: so good when we do old a better tomorrow and
7:10
Speaker 1: today it's the facade is coming crashing down. Actually it's
7:14
Speaker 1: not a facade. But didn't go well, did it? It
7:17
Speaker 1: did not? It did not.
7:18
Speaker 2: We left one of our teenagers behind and she had
7:23
Speaker 2: a lot of homework to catch up on.
7:25
Speaker 1: She had promised she'd do all of a schoolwork chores
7:28
Speaker 1: that she needed to do, swore that the house would
7:30
Speaker 1: be perfect when we got home, and.
7:31
Speaker 2: She had some work that she needed to accomplish as well.
7:33
Speaker 2: And she said to me, I'm going to stay home mum,
7:36
Speaker 2: if that's okay. I really need to get this stuff done.
7:39
Speaker 2: I'm feeling a bit stressed with school. And she said,
7:42
Speaker 2: once I've done that, is it all right? Fine? By
7:44
Speaker 2: a handful of friends over at about three o'clock in
7:47
Speaker 2: the afternoon, we'll have dinner and watch a movie and
7:49
Speaker 2: just spend some time together and you know, hanging out.
7:52
Speaker 2: And in the process of that, she also said, I'm
7:54
Speaker 2: guessing that you probably won't be comfortable if they stay over.
7:58
Speaker 2: And the reality is she's a great kid. I don't
8:00
Speaker 2: really know her friends very well, but I wasn't overly
8:04
Speaker 2: concerned about them having a sleepover. I was just a
8:07
Speaker 2: little bit uncertain because I don't know their parents, and
8:11
Speaker 2: I didn't have the capacity to be in touch with
8:13
Speaker 2: them to just check in and see that they were
8:15
Speaker 2: okay with it. And so I just said to her,
8:18
Speaker 2: not this time, can we We'll just keep it hang
8:20
Speaker 2: out with your friends, and then they can go home.
8:23
Speaker 2: She said, yes, that's all fine. Well that's not exactly
8:27
Speaker 2: what ended up happening. We were driving home Sunday afternoon,
8:31
Speaker 2: I happened to be on Socials and she posted a
8:33
Speaker 2: picture of her and her friends with their newly dyed
8:37
Speaker 2: black hair earlier that morning. So in this scheme of things,
8:43
Speaker 2: I actually I was a little bit frustrated. Number one,
8:46
Speaker 2: that we've died out here because we haven't had that conversation.
8:50
Speaker 1: And when you say were you mean she yes, yes, she.
8:54
Speaker 2: Hadn't had that conversation with me, and secondly, knowing that
8:58
Speaker 2: she had people stay over. I still wasn't overly worried
9:02
Speaker 2: about that either, because she's a really good kid, and
9:05
Speaker 2: I know that, I absolutely know that they weren't getting
9:08
Speaker 2: up to mischief. What I was concerned about was that
9:14
Speaker 2: she hadn't talked to me about it, and that she
9:17
Speaker 2: had obviously gone against a conversation that we'd already had.
9:20
Speaker 2: And so as I sat in the car for that
9:22
Speaker 2: five and a half hours, I was stewing on it
9:26
Speaker 2: and stewing on it, and was just waiting to unleash
9:30
Speaker 2: my wrath when I walked in the door, and you did,
9:35
Speaker 2: and I did, Yeah, I did.
9:37
Speaker 1: And I kind of missed it because I came inside
9:39
Speaker 1: and I was straight into the kitchen. We've got to
9:41
Speaker 1: get dinner organized. We've just been driving for a long time.
9:43
Speaker 1: Everyone's hungry. I didn't even see it happen, but I
9:48
Speaker 1: felt the ramifications all night.
9:51
Speaker 2: You know when you hear what's coming out your mouth
9:54
Speaker 2: and your brain is literally screaming, just shut up. It
10:00
Speaker 2: was one of those moments, and I knew that everything
10:03
Speaker 2: that was coming out of my mouth was just hurting
10:07
Speaker 2: our relationship. It wasn't what needed to be said in
10:10
Speaker 2: the moment, But I just I just unleashed. I couldn't.
10:15
Speaker 2: I just I could not let the moment pass without
10:18
Speaker 2: her knowing every thought that I might have had.
10:22
Speaker 1: Couldn't hit the brakes. I couldn't hit I couldn't hit
10:24
Speaker 1: the brakes.
10:25
Speaker 2: And I came into you after I had had my tirade,
10:29
Speaker 2: and I just said, just so you know, this is
10:32
Speaker 2: never going to happen again. She is never going to
10:34
Speaker 2: be left home again. And if she asks for anything,
10:37
Speaker 2: the answer is no, We're not doing this. I'm just
10:40
Speaker 2: I'm over it. She's completely obliterated my trust. We're done.
10:45
Speaker 1: Had that work out?
10:47
Speaker 2: Well, Like you said, the night was pretty bad, and
10:50
Speaker 2: the next morning was even worse.
10:53
Speaker 1: I went into her room and I said, I said
10:57
Speaker 1: to her, it sounds like your mum have had a
10:59
Speaker 1: pretty time.
11:00
Speaker 2: Well. I noticed that you were completely absent.
11:03
Speaker 1: I was cooking, I was cooking dinner, I was being
11:05
Speaker 1: a good house husband. I was unpacking the car from
11:08
Speaker 1: our amazing week, completely ruined, and she didn't want to
11:14
Speaker 1: really talk to me. And I just said, no matter
11:16
Speaker 1: how many times you dye your hair black, no matter
11:18
Speaker 1: how many friends you have sleeping over. Even though we
11:20
Speaker 1: don't know, I love you. I love you no matter what,
11:23
Speaker 1: Even if you don't do all the chores that you
11:24
Speaker 1: said you do, I still love you. I'm disappointed it
11:27
Speaker 1: has been a bit of a failure of a weekend,
11:28
Speaker 1: but I still love you. This is not bigger than
11:31
Speaker 1: how I feel about you. And she didn't want to
11:33
Speaker 1: talk to me the next morning, though she was up
11:35
Speaker 1: for a hug. She was definitely up for a hug.
11:37
Speaker 1: But here's my question for you. This is called I'll
11:39
Speaker 1: do better tomorrow. What would you do differently now that
11:42
Speaker 1: you've had some time to reflect and confess. So here's
11:48
Speaker 1: the thing to all Australia and the world.
11:51
Speaker 2: I know all the answers, but if it happens.
11:53
Speaker 1: It can I know exactly? No? No, no, no, no, that's
11:58
Speaker 1: not it. Okay, parenting expert time, I'm going to be
12:00
Speaker 1: really quick. Number one. Number one, high emotions equals low intelligence.
12:04
Speaker 1: Don't have the conversation when you're cranky. Okay, I'll do
12:07
Speaker 1: better tomorrow. Don't have the conversation when you're cranky. Number two.
12:11
Speaker 1: When you come in, whatever energy you've brought to it,
12:14
Speaker 1: your children will match it. If not escalate. It never
12:17
Speaker 1: goes down. So start soft, start low. If you come
12:20
Speaker 1: in with high energy, which you did, you'll be met
12:24
Speaker 1: with high energy. That's just how it works out. Here's
12:30
Speaker 1: my big question for you. If we're going to do
12:32
Speaker 1: better tomorrow. We are going away again every month as
12:36
Speaker 1: a family for family holidays. Now, these are meant to
12:38
Speaker 1: be family holidays, right, so really our daughters should be
12:40
Speaker 1: with us. But if she would, I say, hey, do
12:42
Speaker 1: you reckon? I can stay home again and prove to
12:45
Speaker 1: you that I can do it right. What's your reaction. No,
12:50
Speaker 1: that's not the right reaction. That's not the right reaction.
12:54
Speaker 2: Never again.
12:55
Speaker 1: If you want to have responsible kids, you've got to
12:57
Speaker 1: give them responsibility. If they fall short, we don't take
13:01
Speaker 1: responsibility away. We give them responsibility.
13:06
Speaker 2: Again. That's a complete opposite of what I wanted to
13:10
Speaker 2: do and what I want to do. Yeah, I'm still
13:13
Speaker 2: actually sitting in this place. It's still hard. I'm still
13:16
Speaker 2: frustrated by it, and the reality is I want to
13:20
Speaker 2: take it all away. I don't want to give her
13:25
Speaker 2: any responsibility or any privilege because I feel like she's
13:29
Speaker 2: just completely been disrespectful, being untrustworthy, and therefore she doesn't
13:36
Speaker 2: deserve it.
13:37
Speaker 1: Okay, So let's just talk about what happened the next day.
13:41
Speaker 1: Let's talk about when emotions were calm, emotions were low,
13:44
Speaker 1: and intelligence has returned, you drop her off at school.
13:47
Speaker 1: Things are still a bit icee. How did it go
13:49
Speaker 1: Monday afternoon once you've picked her up from school and
13:52
Speaker 1: she's had the day to figure things out?
13:54
Speaker 2: Well, I actually figured she must have had a conversation
13:56
Speaker 2: with you, because she got in the car a completely
13:58
Speaker 2: different kid.
14:00
Speaker 1: Didn't have a conversation with me, but I did hug
14:02
Speaker 1: her and tell her that I loved to no matter what,
14:05
Speaker 1: which has to have made some progress, right, It has
14:07
Speaker 1: to have moved the needle.
14:10
Speaker 2: The very first thing that she said when she sat
14:12
Speaker 2: down in the car was Mum, I'm really sorry I
14:15
Speaker 2: messed up on the weekend.
14:16
Speaker 1: Contrition feels good, doesn't it? Yes, yes it does.
14:21
Speaker 2: And I still was a little bit unsure as to why,
14:25
Speaker 2: because my radar was out thinking what does she want?
14:31
Speaker 2: She's saying sorry because she wants something, and I said,
14:35
Speaker 2: what are you actually sorry for? She said? As I
14:39
Speaker 2: shared the weekends events with my friends, she said, it
14:43
Speaker 2: was almost like she had her out of body experience
14:46
Speaker 2: where she heard what she was saying and she didn't
14:50
Speaker 2: like what she heard. She really felt like she was
14:53
Speaker 2: coming across as some spoiled little brat because she recognizes
14:55
Speaker 2: a nose the good life that she lives, she recogniz
15:00
Speaker 2: and she knows that for the most part.
15:02
Speaker 1: We trust her. We give her opportunities, We give her
15:04
Speaker 1: the chance to live the life that matters to her.
15:08
Speaker 2: And comparative to the life that I grew up with
15:10
Speaker 2: and the restrictions that were in place, I feel like
15:13
Speaker 2: she gets so much freedom.
15:16
Speaker 1: And it was.
15:18
Speaker 2: Really blown away that she thought that she couldn't ask
15:21
Speaker 2: us for those simple things because she didn't want us
15:24
Speaker 2: to say no. But as she continued talking, it was
15:28
Speaker 2: what I needed her to do on Sunday when we
15:31
Speaker 2: got home. But because my energy was so high, I
15:35
Speaker 2: didn't give her the room to be able to express
15:41
Speaker 2: that contrition and sorrow for what she'd done, because she
15:44
Speaker 2: recognized knew she'd done the wrong thing. But when we
15:47
Speaker 2: come in and we accuse our kids, they're pridekicks.
15:51
Speaker 1: In put some straight on the defense here.
15:52
Speaker 2: They are not going to admit anything. And that's exactly
15:55
Speaker 2: what happened. So my i' will do better tomorrow.
16:01
Speaker 1: This is so good? Is that I need to come
16:05
Speaker 1: in softer?
16:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, having if I had come home, and in spite
16:09
Speaker 2: of the fact how I was feeling, I probably should
16:12
Speaker 2: have just not dealt with it when we walked.
16:14
Speaker 1: In the door. We always feel like we have to
16:16
Speaker 1: do it now.
16:17
Speaker 2: But I was just so angry, and anger obviously doesn't heal.
16:23
Speaker 1: It hurts. Yeah, And the angry you are, the more
16:25
Speaker 1: right you are, until you're no longer angry, and then
16:26
Speaker 1: you realize how wrong you were when you're angry, feeling
16:28
Speaker 1: you were right. Yeah. Hey, I'm so glad you shared that.
16:32
Speaker 1: We've had a bit of We've actually had some good
16:34
Speaker 1: stuff happening this week as well, but some challenges. Some
16:37
Speaker 1: challenges every family has them. The Happy Families podcast is
16:40
Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig rus is
16:43
Speaker 1: our executive producer. We hope that you've taken a lot
16:45
Speaker 1: from our mistakes and that they will help you to
16:47
Speaker 1: do better tomorrow in your family. More information about making
16:51
Speaker 1: your family happier is available online at Happy families dot
16:54
Speaker 1: com dot you. You can also check out all of
16:56
Speaker 1: the socials we're on pretty much every one of them.
16:59
Speaker 1: Hope you have a great wakand