Latest / The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast / 307. Why One Person Can Change a Room (Entitlement Exposed)

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307. Why One Person Can Change a Room (Entitlement Exposed) · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Kathie (2): Have you ever been driving down the freeway when someone absolutely loses their mind because another driver merged into their lane?
• 0:08
  Kathie (2): Or maybe you've watched someone ride another person's bumper, lay on the horn the instant the light turns green, or weave in and out of traffic as though every other driver is personally standing in the way of their happiness.
• 0:21
  Kathie (2): Most of us watch those moments and think the same thing: What is wrong with that person?
• 0:27
  Kathie (2): For years, that's what I thought, too, until I realized something that completely changed the way I observe people.
• 0:35
  Kathie (2): I don't think the lane is the problem.
• 0:37
  Kathie (2): I don't think traffic is the problem.
• 0:39
  Kathie (2): I don't even think entitlement is the problem.
• 0:42
  Kathie (2): I think people are trying to regulate something inside themselves, and that realization changed everything.
• 0:51
  Kathie (2): Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast.
• 0:53
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen, consultant, speaker, and author of Human Patterns Under Pressure, and someone who has spent years studying what pressure does to people, leaders, organizations, families, and even complete strangers sitting in traffic.
• 1:10
  Kathie (2): Most people think leadership problems begin in boardrooms.
• 1:13
  Kathie (2): I don't.
• 1:14
  Kathie (2): I think they begin in grocery stores, in restaurants, on highways, at Little League games, inside our homes, because pressure doesn't create character.
• 1:23
  Kathie (2): Pressure reveals the patterns we were already carrying.
• 1:26
  Kathie (2): Today, we're talking about entitlement, but probably not the way you've ever heard it before, because I don't believe entitlement is simply arrogance.
• 1:36
  Kathie (2): I think it's a human pattern, and once you see it, you can't unsee it So I have to confess something.
• 1:45
  Kathie (2): One day I was riding with my son, Kody.
• 1:47
  Kathie (2): We were driving through traffic when another driver cut him off.
• 1:51
  Kathie (2): She wasn't paying attention.
• 1:53
  Kathie (2): She squeezed into the lane.
• 1:54
  Kathie (2): You know, exactly the kind of situation I'm talking about.
• 1:58
  Kathie (2): Now, Kody stayed calm.
• 2:00
  Kathie (2): He didn't honk.
• 2:01
  Kathie (2): He didn't yell.
• 2:01
  Kathie (2): He just kept driving.
• 2:03
  Kathie (2): A few minutes later, we caught up to her.
• 2:05
  Kathie (2): He had the perfect opportunity to return the favor, and what did I do?
• 2:09
  Kathie (2): I leaned forward and said,"Speed up, Kody.
• 2:12
  Kathie (2): Speed up.
• 2:13
  Kathie (2): Don't let her in." The moment those words came out of my mouth, Kody looked at me like I lost my mind.
• 2:20
  Kathie (2): He said,"Mom, what are you doing?" And I started laughing because in that moment I realized something.
• 2:26
  Kathie (2): I wasn't trying to solve traffic.
• 2:28
  Kathie (2): I wanted justice.
• 2:30
  Kathie (2): I wanted balance.
• 2:31
  Kathie (2): I wanted her to experience what she made us experience.
• 2:36
  Kathie (2): For just a split second, I wanted the world to reorganize itself around my discomfort.
• 2:42
  Kathie (2): That's entitlement.
• 2:44
  Kathie (2): Not because I thought I was better than her, because my nervous system wanted reality to make me feel better.
• 2:51
  Kathie (2): That realization humbled me.
• 2:53
  Kathie (2): It also made me curious because once I noticed it in myself, I started seeing it everywhere.
• 3:00
  Kathie (2): Today I'm going to share seven lessons about entitlement that I learned from observing human patterns under pressure.
• 3:11
  Kathie (2): And here is lesson number one Entitlement usually begins with one small word, should.
• 3:19
  Kathie (2): Traffic should move faster.
• 3:21
  Kathie (2): People should drive better.
• 3:22
  Kathie (2): My spouse should understand me.
• 3:24
  Kathie (2): My boss should appreciate me.
• 3:26
  Kathie (2): My employees should already know this.
• 3:28
  Kathie (2): My children should call me.
• 3:30
  Kathie (2): The weather shouldn't ruin my plans.
• 3:33
  Kathie (2): Life should be fair.
• 3:35
  Kathie (2): And you know me, I always say,"Should is a dirty word." But do you notice something?
• 3:41
  Kathie (2): Entitlement almost always begins with an expectation colliding with reality.
• 3:49
  Kathie (2): Reality says,"This is what's happening." Entitlement says,"No, it shouldn't be happening." That tiny little word should creates enormous suffering, not because expectations are bad, but because we quietly become attached to the story we've written instead of the reality we're actually living.
• 4:11
  Kathie (2): Lesson number two, entitlement is often an attempt to reduce uncertainty.
• 4:17
  Kathie (2): This is where my perspective probably becomes a little different.
• 4:22
  Kathie (2): Most conversations about entitlement focus on behavior.
• 4:25
  Kathie (2): I want to understand what produces the behavior.
• 4:30
  Kathie (2): When uncertainty rises, our nervous system naturally wants relief.
• 4:34
  Kathie (2): One way we try to create relief is by trying to control our environment.
• 4:39
  Kathie (2): If everyone would simply behave the way I think they should, I'd feel okay.
• 4:44
  Kathie (2): If my employees would stop making mistakes, I would relax.
• 4:49
  Kathie (2): If my spouse would change, I would finally be happy.
• 4:53
  Kathie (2): If traffic would move, my morning would be better.
• 4:57
  Kathie (2): Notice what's happening?
• 4:59
  Kathie (2): We're asking the outside world to regulate something happening inside of us.
• 5:04
  Kathie (2): That doesn't make us bad people, it makes us human.
• 5:08
  Kathie (2): But if we don't notice it, it quietly becomes entitlement.
• 5:12
  Kathie (2): Lesson number three: entitlement spreads.
• 5:17
  Kathie (2): This is where my consulting work comes in.
• 5:19
  Kathie (2): Years ago, I worked inside a founder-led company.
• 5:22
  Kathie (2): The founder was brilliant, visionary, hardworking, committed.
• 5:26
  Kathie (2): He built something extraordinary.
• 5:29
  Kathie (2): But there was another pattern happening that very few people noticed.
• 5:35
  Kathie (2): Whenever his nervous system became activated, the entire organization changed.
• 5:41
  Kathie (2): If he became frustrated, people became cautious.
• 5:44
  Kathie (2): If he became impatient, conversations became shorter.
• 5:47
  Kathie (2): If he questioned someone's work, people stopped asking questions.
• 5:51
  Kathie (2): Nobody announced new rules.
• 5:53
  Kathie (2): Nobody sent an email.
• 5:54
  Kathie (2): Nobody held a meeting.
• 5:56
  Kathie (2): The system simply reorganized itself.
• 5:59
  Kathie (2): Eventually, something fascinating happened.
• 6:02
  Kathie (2): Information slowed down.
• 6:04
  Kathie (2): People filtered bad news.
• 6:05
  Kathie (2): Meetings became performances instead of conversations.
• 6:09
  Kathie (2): Curiosity disappeared.
• 6:11
  Kathie (2): Truth became expensive.
• 6:14
  Kathie (2): Think about that.
• 6:15
  Kathie (2): One person's inability to regulate themselves slowly became everyone else's responsibility.
• 6:23
  Kathie (2): By the time that emotional pattern reached supervisors, then managers, then administrative staff, then the warehouse, most people had no idea where it started.
• 6:33
  Kathie (2): They just knew the atmosphere had changed.
• 6:36
  Kathie (2): I watched organizations lose enormous value because people spent more energy managing someone's emotional reactions than managing reality.
• 6:46
  Kathie (2): When honesty becomes dangerous, clarity disappears.
• 6:51
  Kathie (2): And when clarity disappears, performance follows.
• 6:54
  Kathie (2): That isn't just a culture problem.
• 6:56
  Kathie (2): It's an enterprise value problem.
• 7:00
  Kathie (2): Lesson number four: entitlement is emotional outsourcing.
• 7:06
  Kathie (2): This might be the simplest definition I've ever found.
• 7:10
  Kathie (2): Entitlement is asking someone else to carry what belongs inside of us.
• 7:14
  Kathie (2): Sometimes we do it with anger, sometimes with guilt, sometimes with status, sometimes with urgency.
• 7:21
  Kathie (2): The strategy changes, the pattern does not.
• 7:25
  Kathie (2): When we expect another person to make us feel secure, validated, important, or emotionally stable, we're outsourcing regulation.
• 7:34
  Kathie (2): That burden quietly shifts, and relationships become heavier than they were ever designed to be.
• 7:41
  Kathie (2): Lesson number five: regulated people interrupt the pattern.
• 7:46
  Kathie (2): One of the most confusing things I've observed is this: the most emotionally regulated person in the room often becomes the most frustrating person to someone operating from entitlement.
• 7:59
  Kathie (2): Why?
• 8:00
  Kathie (2): Because they quietly refuse the assignment.
• 8:03
  Kathie (2): They don't panic.
• 8:04
  Kathie (2): They don't rush to reassure.
• 8:06
  Kathie (2): They don't immediately absorb someone else's emotional state.
• 8:11
  Kathie (2): Without even trying, they stop participating in the emotional system, and that's incredibly disruptive to someone who expects everyone else to reorganize around their discomfort.
• 8:24
  Kathie (2): Insert eye roll.
• 8:27
  Kathie (2): Lesson number six: reality is not your enemy.
• 8:31
  Kathie (2): I've become convinced that entitlement isn't really arguing with other people.
• 8:36
  Kathie (2): It's arguing with reality itself.
• 8:39
  Kathie (2): Reality says there is traffic.
• 8:41
  Kathie (2): Entitlement says there shouldn't be.
• 8:44
  Kathie (2): Reality says the project hit a setback.
• 8:47
  Kathie (2): Entitlement says that shouldn't have happened.
• 8:51
  Kathie (2): Reality says this person disappointed me.
• 8:54
  Kathie (2): Entitlement says they shouldn't have.
• 8:57
  Kathie (2): The more we fight reality, the more exhausted we become.
• 9:02
  Kathie (2): Observation allows us to stop fighting what already exists.
• 9:07
  Kathie (2): That's where peace begins.
• 9:11
  Kathie (2): Lesson number seven, observation dissolves entitlement.
• 9:16
  Kathie (2): Not shame, not guilt, observation.
• 9:20
  Kathie (2): The next time you catch yourself saying,"They should," pause.
• 9:24
  Kathie (2): Get curious.
• 9:25
  Kathie (2): Ask yourself,"What expectation am I holding right now?
• 9:30
  Kathie (2): What discomfort am I trying to escape?
• 9:33
  Kathie (2): What uncertainty am I trying to ask someone else to solve for me?" Those questions don't create shame, they create awareness, and awareness creates choice.
• 9:48
  Kathie (2): One of the chapters in my new book, Human Patterns Under Pressure, is called Entitlement is a Regulation Problem.
• 9:55
  Kathie (2): When I wrote that chapter, I wasn't trying to explain difficult people.
• 9:59
  Kathie (2): I was trying to explain a pattern I've observed for years inside organizations, families, leadership teams, and even inside myself.
• 10:09
  Kathie (2): Because this isn't about pointing fingers.
• 10:11
  Kathie (2): It's about recognizing the invisible emotional systems we are all participating in.
• 10:17
  Kathie (2): The beautiful thing about observation is that it gives us another choice.
• 10:22
  Kathie (2): We don't have to keep asking the world to regulate us.
• 10:25
  Kathie (2): We can slowly build the capacity to regulate ourselves.
• 10:29
  Kathie (2): And when we do, our relationships change, our leadership changes, our organizations change, and ultimately, our lives change.
• 10:39
  Kathie (2): If today's conversation resonated with you, I've written a companion article that goes even deeper into these ideas.
• 10:45
  Kathie (2): You'll find a link in the description, the show notes, and I'll pin it in the first comment on YouTube.
• 10:51
  Kathie (2): If you're interested in exploring these patterns more deeply, I'd also love for you to check out my new book, Human Patterns Under Pressure.
• 10:58
  Kathie (2): This episode was inspired by one of the chapters, but the book expands on these ideas and the invisible patterns that shape leadership, relationships, and decision-making under pressure.
• 11:10
  Kathie (2): If you've enjoyed this episode, please subscribe so you don't miss future conversations.
• 11:15
  Kathie (2): Every week, we explore the hidden patterns that quietly shape our lives and how becoming an observer can change everything.
• 11:25
  Kathie (2): Until next time, keep observing because the truth has a way of bubbling up.