Latest / Silver FM 100.6 / Dear Life Kit: Why are they like this?!

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Dear Life Kit: Why are they like this?! · Silver FM 100.6

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  Speaker 1: Nature is an escape, a wonder, and our common denominator
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  Speaker 1: with the incredible species of this planet. I'm Chris Morgan.
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  Speaker 2: This year, I decided, you know what, I'm not going
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  Speaker 2: to do mums, okay? Mums, overrated for decorating for the
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  Speaker 2: Halloween stoop. That's my hot take for this episode. Do
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  Speaker 2: not buy mums for October. They die so easily.
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  Speaker 3: You buy them fresh? People always buy.
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  Speaker 2: Those potted mums, Andi, and you've seen it.
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  Speaker 3: This is so aggressive. I didn't know.
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  Speaker 4: I'm sorry, Monica.
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  Speaker 5: Hey, it's Mariel Segarra, and welcome to another edition of
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  Speaker 5: Dear Life Kit, where we answer your questions with help
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  Speaker 5: from the collective wisdom in our Life Kit archives.
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  Speaker 3: Reporter Andy Tegel is here. Hey, Andy.
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  Speaker 5: Hey. And we've also got digital editor Malika Garib here.
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  Speaker 3: Hey, Malika, mom hater. Hello.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, that's true.
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  Speaker 5: All right.
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  Speaker 3: Our first question.
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  Speaker 5: Dear Life Kit, I have found that group text messages
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  Speaker 5: can be problematic. Not everyone understands what I would call, quote,
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  Speaker 5: inherent rules. I started a group chat with 10 friends
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  Speaker 5: to coordinate plans to go to a theater show together.
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  Speaker 5: But some people started chatting about other topics. And then
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  Speaker 5: I tried to stop it by individually texting people to
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  Speaker 5: ask them to only text about our plans for the
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  Speaker 5: theater show.
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  Speaker 3: How should I handle this? Should I just give up
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  Speaker 3: on group texts? What do y'all think? You will start.
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  Speaker 2: So yes, there are rules. I think that everyone knows
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  Speaker 2: that deep in their heart.
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  Speaker 6: And you're right.
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  Speaker 2: There are inherent rules. I spoke to Erica Dewan about
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  Speaker 2: this for an episode I did about texting etiquette. And
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  Speaker 2: she's written a book on digital communication. So she's an
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  Speaker 2: expert on this topic.
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  Speaker 3: Here's what the.
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  Speaker 2: Inherent rule is. don't send unnecessary text messages. If you
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  Speaker 2: want to call out someone or talk about something else,
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  Speaker 2: do it on a different text. Once you start a
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  Speaker 2: group chat, you can't control what happens in the group chat, right?
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  Speaker 7: Totally.
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  Speaker 3: 10 people is wild.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: That is a completely unrealistic expectation.
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  Speaker 5: Right.
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  Speaker 3: It has its own life.
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  Speaker 2: And she calls it the virtual equivalent, like these group texts,
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  Speaker 2: as friends talking at dinner or friends sitting around a campfire.
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  Speaker 2: So the kind of exchange that you're going to have
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  Speaker 2: is like, cross-cutting different topics. And then the other thing
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  Speaker 2: is that just like your friends have different personalities, your
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  Speaker 2: friends also have different texting personalities, right? You've got the
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  Speaker 2: one who's like quiet but pipes in every now and then.
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  Speaker 2: You've got the one who's like constantly causing chaos. You've
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  Speaker 2: got one who is just like harding everything and using
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  Speaker 2: emojis and sending up memes that take up all of
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  Speaker 2: your freaking data.
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  Speaker 3: You know what I mean?
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  Speaker 2: As for your theater dilemma, which is like, everybody, do
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  Speaker 2: you want to buy tickets for this thing or not?
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  Speaker 3: Dewan actually.
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  Speaker 2: spoke about this particular issue in the episode that we
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  Speaker 2: did together.
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  Speaker 5: When it comes to a decision text, we have to
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  Speaker 5: actually ask a specific question.
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  Speaker 3: Like, here are the tickets. I'm going to buy them
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  Speaker 3: by Tuesday or by tomorrow. Let me know today if
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  Speaker 3: you want me to buy you one.
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  Speaker 8: That's it.
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  Speaker 2: And if they don't respond, I told you. You're an
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  Speaker 2: adult and you didn't listen to my text message. And
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  Speaker 2: so that's your bad. And that's the end of that.
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  Speaker 3: What do you think? I mean, I know that people
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  Speaker 3: can feel.
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  Speaker 5: under siege by their group texts, like, okay, stop texting
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  Speaker 5: about this thing, you know, because I'm getting too many notifications.
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  Speaker 5: There are settings you can change, though, so that you
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  Speaker 5: get fewer notifications or mute the channel or you can leave.
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  Speaker 4: If what you're really trying to do is get people
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  Speaker 4: to go to a place, the way that I would
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  Speaker 4: go about that is to say, like, hey, I'm going here.
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  Speaker 4: This is the time that I'm going. I'm buying these tickets.
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  Speaker 4: If you're coming, let me know if you want to come.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: DM me.
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  Speaker 5: I think you could also send an email, like BCC
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  Speaker 5: them all on email, right?
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  Speaker 3: So there is no reply all function.
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  Speaker 2: Also maybe like have like one or two people who
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  Speaker 2: are in it with you already. Like, hey, me and
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  Speaker 2: so-and-so are going to this thing.
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  Speaker 5: We are.
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  Speaker 4: Exactly.
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  Speaker 3: We are already going. Let us know if you want
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  Speaker 3: to join.
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  Speaker 5: Yes. That is a classic. That always worked really well
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  Speaker 5: when I was in school. Because you don't want to
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  Speaker 5: feel like you're out on a limb asking people to
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  Speaker 5: hang out. But if you say, yeah, like, Malika and
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  Speaker 5: I are going to this thing, Andy, do you want
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  Speaker 5: to come?
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  Speaker 4: It's a much easier starting point.
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  Speaker 7: Yeah, exactly.
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  Speaker 3: We'll have more Dear Life Kit after the break.
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  Speaker 11: This week on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, we talk
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  Speaker 11: with fashion designer Daniel Vasevic about why he is in
• 5:26
  Speaker 11: charge of renovating his parents' house.
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  Speaker 2: I don't have an architecture degree.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not an interior designer, but I'm gay.
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  Speaker 4: Right.
• 5:33
  Speaker 12: Well, there you are.
• 5:33
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• 6:09
  Speaker 3: All right, next question.
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  Speaker 5: Dear Life Kit, I have always kept the house clean
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  Speaker 5: and tidy, but now I'm dealing with a major illness.
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  Speaker 5: The slack isn't being picked up by my partner, and
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  Speaker 5: it's creating huge problems in our relationship. At her old place,
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  Speaker 5: she would leave bags of trash in the house instead
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  Speaker 5: of taking them out, not change the cat litter, wear
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  Speaker 5: dirty clothes for weeks instead of doing the laundry. But
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  Speaker 5: she promised me things would change when we moved in together.
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  Speaker 5: but the house is always dirty and messy. She does
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  Speaker 5: clean certain things and she constantly says she's trying, but
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  Speaker 5: somehow nothing really improves. I'm considering ending my relationship at
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  Speaker 5: this point, but I really don't want to. I love
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  Speaker 5: her so much and I appreciate her deeply. I'm just
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  Speaker 5: hurt that she doesn't seem to respect or appreciate how
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  Speaker 5: much this is impacting my mental health at this point.
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  Speaker 5: So the letter writer is talking about how this situation
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  Speaker 5: is impacting their mental health, but I think that their
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  Speaker 5: partner may also have a fraught relationship with cleaning and
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  Speaker 5: have it impact their mental health in a way.
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  Speaker 3: There's a lot to say here.
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  Speaker 5: I mean, this feels like the most obvious solution, and
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  Speaker 5: they must have thought of this, but like, have they
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  Speaker 5: considered hiring someone to come in and clean? Because outsourcing
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  Speaker 5: that task could really serve your relationship in this moment.
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  Speaker 5: And when you're going through an illness, sometimes there are
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  Speaker 5: services available where a nonprofit will hook you up with
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  Speaker 5: a local cleaning service for free. That happened when I
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  Speaker 5: was going through cancer treatment. I got a few free
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  Speaker 5: cleaning services. And yeah, it was super helpful because you
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  Speaker 5: just don't have the same kind of energy. And to
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  Speaker 5: that point, you also probably have people in your community
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  Speaker 5: who want to support you during your illness.
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  Speaker 3: And so.
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  Speaker 5: if you have people in your life who are like,
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  Speaker 5: how can I help? You know, you could say, come
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  Speaker 5: on by and help me do some loads of laundry,
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  Speaker 5: you know, or like, can you help us clean up?
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  Speaker 2: It sounds like though that the woman with the cat,
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  Speaker 2: like was not a person who was necessarily caring about
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  Speaker 2: cleanliness or neatness before.
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  Speaker 3: They moved in together.
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  Speaker 2: And then she kept saying that I'm going to change,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to change, I'm going to be different. And
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  Speaker 2: then she moves in with her partner, The relationship's great,
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  Speaker 2: but like the habits died hard.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree.
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  Speaker 4: If it's available to you, throwing money at this problem
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  Speaker 4: is a good idea to start or, you know, resources
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  Speaker 4: at the problem. But I agree with you, Malika, that
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  Speaker 4: like this is a philosophical, we disagree on what it
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  Speaker 4: means for the house to be clean.
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  Speaker 12: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: That's a deeper issue that probably it sounds like these
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  Speaker 4: two should have explored before they moved in together. It
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  Speaker 4: sounds like they kind of like baseline things. talked about it,
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  Speaker 4: but probably not deep enough, unfortunately. And it'd be really
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  Speaker 4: unfortunate if you had to break up over this, but
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  Speaker 4: it's something we've heard before, just not fundamentally agreeing on
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  Speaker 4: what it means to wash the dishes, what it means
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  Speaker 4: to have a clean living room. Something you can still
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  Speaker 4: get to, hopefully.
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  Speaker 7: Yeah.
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  Speaker 5: Maybe with the help of a couples counselor or someone
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  Speaker 5: to walk you through what cleanliness means to each of you,
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  Speaker 5: like what your hangups are, both of.
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  Speaker 3: You around it.
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  Speaker 5: One thing that I just want to acknowledge is that
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  Speaker 5: it can be hard when you are just going about
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  Speaker 5: daily life and feeling stressed, or if you're feeling anxiety
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  Speaker 5: or depression, just the daily task of cleaning can feel overwhelming. Mm-hmm.
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  Speaker 3: And we did an interview with Casey Davis.
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  Speaker 5: She is a psychologist about how to clean your house
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  Speaker 5: when it is the last thing that you want to do.
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  Speaker 5: And I remember her mentioning one method was the five
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  Speaker 5: things method, which is there's basically five things in any
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  Speaker 5: given room. Trash, dishes, laundry, things that have a place
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  Speaker 5: and things that don't have a place. And you tackle
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  Speaker 5: them in that order and you don't have to do
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  Speaker 5: everything all at once. Like you can triage, right? So
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  Speaker 5: if the laundry's on the floor, it's going in the hamper.
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  Speaker 5: Don't wash it right now. Just put it in the
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  Speaker 5: hamper and set it aside, right? The dishes, set those aside.
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  Speaker 5: Like pick up all the trash and put it in
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  Speaker 5: a garbage bag. Just deal with what's in the room
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  Speaker 5: and simplify.
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: I'll add to that reading list, Fair Play by Eve
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  Speaker 4: Brodsky for domestic labor, because it talks about the chores
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  Speaker 4: that you can do and also talking about like different personalities.
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  Speaker 4: You know, like if your partner absolutely hates the, I
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  Speaker 4: don't know, hates doing the dishes and you like doing
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  Speaker 4: the dishes, like maybe the problem is you just need
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  Speaker 4: to redistribute. Maybe your partner has a penchant for mowing
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  Speaker 4: the lawn. And what would really help is if you
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  Speaker 4: play to your strengths, you know, maybe there's something there.
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  Speaker 7: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Can I just say, though, that if your partner was
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  Speaker 2: messy before you got with them and they were like,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to change. I'm going to really, really change
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  Speaker 2: once I move in with you.
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  Speaker 5: Yes.
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  Speaker 8: Like, would you believe that?
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  Speaker 2: I'd be like, no, you're not.
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  Speaker 3: You're not going to change.
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  Speaker 2: It's like such a hard baked, like you're like messy
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  Speaker 2: factor or the tolerance for messy. It's like so baked
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  Speaker 2: into everyone's.
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  Speaker 3: Like, you know, inner being. You just can't change overnight.
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  Speaker 3: We'll have more Dear Life Kit after the break.
• 11:37
  Speaker 13: This week on Up First, we're in the final days
• 11:39
  Speaker 13: before the midterm elections, and this is one of the
• 11:41
  Speaker 13: wonderful things about politics, one of the wonderful things about humanity.
• 11:45
  Speaker 13: We have all this data, we have all this information,
• 11:48
  Speaker 13: and nobody really knows what's going to happen. We're going
• 11:53
  Speaker 13: to follow it day by day, through Election Day and beyond.
• 11:56
  Speaker 13: And you can listen to Up First every morning on
• 11:59
  Speaker 13: the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
• 12:01
  Speaker 8: American journalist Austin Tice vanished in Syria over a decade ago.
• 12:07
  Speaker 8: For years, we've been searching for him, and now we
• 12:10
  Speaker 8: finally have some answers.
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: This is the prison that Austin was in.
• 12:14
  Speaker 8: Oh my God, we found Austin's file. Listen to Where
• 12:18
  Speaker 8: Is Austin Tice from NPR's Embedded and BBC Radio 4
• 12:23
  Speaker 8: on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: Okay, time for our last question. Dear Life Kids.
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  Speaker 5: I have a friend who never initiates our get-togethers. Sometimes
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  Speaker 5: I text her, and she doesn't respond. I text her
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  Speaker 5: a second time after a while has passed, and then
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  Speaker 5: she responds. We see each other three to four times
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  Speaker 5: a year, and when we do get together, she seems
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  Speaker 5: happy to see me and.
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  Speaker 12: To be there.
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  Speaker 5: Do I continue to always be the initiator, or should
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  Speaker 5: I sit back and wait and see if she does it?
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  Speaker 5: If she doesn't contact me, should I forget about this friendship?
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: What do y'all think? I have a confession.
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  Speaker 3: I am this person. Uh-oh.
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  Speaker 5: It me.
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  Speaker 3: You're the friend. I'm the friend. I'm the friend this
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: person is complaining about.
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  Speaker 13: Oh, no.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry, friend. So what's your deal?
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  Speaker 7: Okay.
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  Speaker 4: So my deal is, so what I always tell people,
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  Speaker 4: I am a terrible, terrible, terrible. I'm terrible with my phone.
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  Speaker 4: I'm terrible at texting. It's never malicious. I'm very, very scatterbrained.
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  Speaker 4: I promise I love you very much. I might lose
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  Speaker 4: the thread of a conversation halfway through, but then two
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  Speaker 4: months later, I'll be like, oh my God, I miss you.
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  Speaker 4: I just saw this movie poster and it made me
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: think of you. Anytime I see something that makes me
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: think of that person, I'll pop back in.
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  Speaker 3: You know what I mean? So you do make some
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  Speaker 3: sort of an effort.
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  Speaker 5: Right. Exactly.
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  Speaker 4: So my point is it might not be consistent, but
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  Speaker 4: I will show my love in different ways. So I'm curious,
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: in this case, if this person, like the get togethers
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  Speaker 4: that they have, what do they feel like? You know,
• 13:52
  Speaker 4: we have a lot of different friendship episodes. One of
• 13:54
  Speaker 4: which is an episode with Rachel Wilkerson Miller about how
• 13:57
  Speaker 4: friendships change when friendships end. And she talks about the
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: friendship triangle. The base of a friendship triangle is positivity.
• 14:06
  Speaker 4: So just building on joy and all like how friends
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: make us feel. And then the other two sides of
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  Speaker 4: a friendship are consistency. So consistency being regularity and predictability.
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  Speaker 4: And then the last one is vulnerability. So the willingness
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  Speaker 4: to let someone else impact us. So, you know, being
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: open with each other. So it sounds like consistency is
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: definitely lacking, but what are the other two? What are
• 14:30
  Speaker 4: the other two legs feel like?
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  Speaker 2: That's good. That's really good. If they seem happy and cool,
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  Speaker 2: like every time you hang out with them, then like
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  Speaker 2: maybe just ask them, like, why don't you ever like
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: initiate a hang? If you have a relationship that feels
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  Speaker 2: close enough, just ask that question. And then they might
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  Speaker 2: be like, you know what? I didn't even realize that
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: I wasn't at, you mean like you text me so much.
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  Speaker 2: So I figured that I don't need.
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  Speaker 3: To be initiated. Exactly.
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  Speaker 2: But if it makes you feel that way, then I
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: can plan some stuff too.
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  Speaker 5: I have run into this in my own life where
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  Speaker 5: there are particularly family members who I'm like, I'm always
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: the one checking in and making plans happen because this
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  Speaker 5: is important to me.
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  Speaker 3: And I'm like, is it not important to you? And
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  Speaker 3: that can be frustrating because, you know?
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  Speaker 5: Because some people, yeah, you will have that conversation and say,
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  Speaker 5: I'd love it if you would initiate more.
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  Speaker 3: And then, you know, nothing changes. And then some people.
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  Speaker 4: And that tells you something.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it tells you something.
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  Speaker 5: But when there's someone that you love and that's family
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  Speaker 5: and like, you just kind of, I don't know, I
• 15:35
  Speaker 5: just kind of keep doing it. I guess like, You
• 15:39
  Speaker 5: just kind of have to decide.
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  Speaker 3: But it's hard. And there's some grief. It's hard.
• 15:43
  Speaker 5: There's some grief involved in that because it feels like
• 15:45
  Speaker 5: you're not being chosen in a lot of ways, you know? Yeah.
• 15:49
  Speaker 5: I think one thing that these letters all had in
• 15:53
  Speaker 5: common was they came from someone who was trying to
• 15:57
  Speaker 5: understand another person's behavior and where there was a mismatch
• 16:04
  Speaker 5: in expectations, a mismatch in priorities.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: And, yeah, I mean, that's just life, man. That's the
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: messy stuff of life.
• 16:14
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: Remember that quote?
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: Hell is other people.
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: Who said that?
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: I'll do a quick search for you here, Malika. Hell
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: is other people is.
• 16:27
  Speaker 5: A famous line from the 1944 existentialist play No Exit
• 16:32
  Speaker 5: by French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre.
• 16:37
  Speaker 10: Sartre.
• 16:37
  Speaker 8: Sartre.
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: Hell is other people. All right, that's our show.
• 16:43
  Speaker 5: By the way, the holidays are coming up and all
• 16:46
  Speaker 5: the tricky family dynamics that come with them. So if
• 16:48
  Speaker 5: you have a question that you'd like us to weigh
• 16:50
  Speaker 5: in on, send it to us at npr.org slash Dear
• 16:53
  Speaker 5: Life Kit.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: It was edited by Brent Bachman.
• 16:59
  Speaker 5: Our digital editor is Malika Garib.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: Our visuals editor is CJ Rikalan.
• 17:04
  Speaker 5: Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor and Lauren Gonzalez
• 17:07
  Speaker 5: is our executive producer.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: Our production team also.
• 17:10
  Speaker 5: Includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, and Margaret Serino. Engineering
• 17:16
  Speaker 5: support comes from Tiffany Vera Castro. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks
• 17:20
  Speaker 5: for listening.
• 17:29
  Speaker 7: What happens at the ballot box when the cheapest places
• 17:31
  Speaker 7: to live in America have become unaffordable?
• 17:34
  Speaker 11: I'm thinking about how I'm going to rob Peter to
• 17:36
  Speaker 11: pay Paul because food prices are extremely high.
• 17:41
  Speaker 7: On the Sunday Story, Midwesterners say they're fed up and
• 17:45
  Speaker 7: plan to take their anger to the polls in November.
• 17:48
  Speaker 7: Listen now to the Sunday Story from the Up First
• 17:51
  Speaker 7: podcast on the NPR app.
• 17:53
  Speaker 12: Midlife brings a lot of changes. Your Turn with Alison
• 17:56
  Speaker 12: Aubrey is a new podcast to help you navigate the
• 17:59
  Speaker 12: twists and turns. From health and relationships to creativity and purpose,
• 18:03
  Speaker 12: We can help steer your next chapter with your turn
• 18:07
  Speaker 12: with Alison Aubrey. Find it on the NPR app or
• 18:09
  Speaker 12: wherever you get your podcasts.
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: Support comes from NPR sponsor AARP.
• 18:16
  Speaker 11: How might President Donald Trump's repeated attacks on the integrity
• 18:19
  Speaker 11: of voting systems affect the midterm elections? Check out Fresh
• 18:23
  Speaker 11: Air's interview with two election experts about what to expect.
• 18:26
  Speaker 10: Every county election administrator, every person working at a local
• 18:30
  Speaker 10: polling place might be on edge.
• 18:33
  Speaker 11: Listen to Fresh Air on the NPR app or wherever
• 18:35
  Speaker 11: you listen to podcasts.