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Transcript

Gotta Have Faith · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: You're listening to Amma Mer podcast Muma Me your acknowledges
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: the traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: is recorded on matchmaking. We've all attempted it, and we've
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: probably all been set up before. But when you enlist
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: the help of professionals, they just might deliver exactly what
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you've been looking for. At least that's what happened for
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: Live and Ali.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: I was kind of hooked from the first date. I
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: felt really safe with him, I felt really excited by
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: him and the prospect of dating him, and yeah, from
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: that night, I didn't really want to meet anyone else.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: I was quite satisfied.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: But dear listener, matchmaking is a game of two halves.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: How you look on paper is only surface level, and
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: when you scratch that surface, surprises can await. Some are good,
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: some are indifferent, Some you could never see coming.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: My stomach fell through the four or. I can't describe
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: the feeling because it was the only time I can
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: remember where a piece of information had really thrown me
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: for sex, like rug pulled under the feet type of moment. Yeah,
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: the shock was immediate, and I asked him to clarify that,
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: and I said, who hang on we're dating. I'm not Muslim,
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: I'm not Egyptian, so what are we doing?
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: I'm Georgia love and this is everyone has an ex
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. Leif thought
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: she had life all figured out at twenty seven. She
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: had a fulfilling career, had just bought her own home,
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: and was relishing her newfound freedom. Despite her many successes,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: though she couldn't shake the feeling that something was still missing.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: I'd been single for about two years, and during that
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: two years was just a string of different guys. So
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: I downloaded every single app you could possibly think of.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: I had Tinder, I had Hinge, I had Bumble. I
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: had all of them, and to be fair, I had
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: met a few really fun people, but nothing really turned
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: into anything substantial. And I had thought in my mind
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: that when I moved out of home, okay, i'll find
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: my own place, I'll meet someone that'll be the love
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: of my life, and I'll settle down. It wasn't to be.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: So dating on the apps is like a full time job.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: It takes up all of your time. When I first
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: started on the apps, I really didn't know what to
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: put in my profile. I obviously had a photo shoot
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: with all of my friends. I decided on the prettiest photos,
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: but it was so weird to try and think of
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: things that promoted me. It's not my personality to be
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: self promoting at all. So I projected an image of
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: myself that I don't think was truly me and attracted
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: a whole bunch of people who I don't think were
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: particularly great. Definitely a massive learning experience, but it was
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: most of my weekends, a few nights a week where
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: I was going and meeting people, and at the end
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: of it all, I just felt really empty. Dating is
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: always very surface level, and I felt like I was
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: having the same conversations over and over again and meeting
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: the same sort of people and even swipe in past
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: people that I dated already. And I thought, something's got
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: to give. I really want to have a relationship, a
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: serious relationship, potentially marriage, definitely children, And I decided, Okay,
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: I've got to take things seriously now. And I decided
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: to see whether matchmaking was a thing, and sure enough
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: it was. I found a matchmaking agency in the city
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: that I live in and decided to give it a go.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: I applied to go and be part of the agency
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: and they called me in for a what they called
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: a meeting, which really was an interview. Part of their
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: service was to design your profile for you, so they
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: had a really long questionnaire and I had an agent
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: who would work on my behalf. So I spent about
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: an hour with her creating my profile and it was very,
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: very detailed. It was all about my hopes and dreams
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: for the future, my hobbies, my values, a bit about
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: my family and who was in my life, my financial situation,
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: my career. It was very thorough and yeah, after an hour,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: she took pictures of me and said, I've got some
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: people on the book, so I think would be very
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: interested in meeting you. And that was so exciting. Another
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: part of the interview was about what I was looking for,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: so again a very long questionnaire. What's your age range,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: what physical features are you attracted to, what jobs would
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: you lack your potential partner to have, what future goals
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: for your partner are really important to you. It was
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: really really detailed, and it felt like I could design
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: my dream man and that was really fun. It was
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: a really fun experience, and I felt really trusting of
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: the agent that I was working with. She promised to
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: find me somebody who would match my criteria. Sure enough,
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: like the next day, they sent me Ali's profile and
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: said that he had seen mine and was really interested
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: in meeting. And on his profile it said everything that
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: I had said. He was looking for a life partner,
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: was looking for a serious relationship. Yeah, so I thought, Okay,
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: great beginner's luck.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: The dating agency was coming through with the goods. And
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: when Live received the profile of Ali, an Egyptian diplomat,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: it's fair to say she liked what she saw.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: I remember sitting there and reading it and feeling really
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: really excited. It said you know, his age, his background,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: and it said what he did for a job, and
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: the job was diplomat, and I felt really excited by that.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: I thought, whoa a diplomat? It was imagining like James
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: Bond's Buys in my mind, the concept of dating a
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: diplomat was really fun to me. And immediately in my
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: mind I went to, Wow, that's traveling the world. That's
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: a really important job. This person's going to be so interesting.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: It had his interests on the profile too, so we
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: had very similar ideas of what we love to do.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: So he said that he loved bushwalking and hiking and
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: going out for dinners and I thought, okay, well that
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: sounds good. That sounds nice things I like to do
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: as well. And it also had his phone number at
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: the bottom of the profile. So the matchmaker really encouraged
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: people to have a phone call before they meet. So
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: I decided to call him. So I rang him and
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: he sounded beautiful on the phone. He was very friendly,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: he had a really gorgeous voice, and he asked me
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: at the end of that conversation where we talked about
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: our family and our interests and typical things you would do,
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: he asked me at the end of that if he
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: could take me out for dinner. I said, certainly, let's go.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: So that weekend we met each other for dinner at
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: a seafood restaurant and I looked beautiful. I made myself
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: look gorgeous, a full face of makeup, which is very
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: unusual for me, and I can remember walking around the
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: corner to the restaurant and seeing him sitting there and
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: I sort of stopped on my tracks because he looked
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: very similar to one of my ex boyfriends. I thought, look,
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: I'm going to push through and give this person a chance,
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: try and look past the exterior and get to know
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: them as a person. So sat down opposite him, and
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: his eyes just went very wide. He was stunned, I think,
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: and he said, wow, you look so beautiful, and I
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: remember feeling just seen by him and really flattered, which
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: is a really nice feeling on a first date. I
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: felt when I met him a real intellectual connection, and
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: for me, that's an immediate yes, because I need to
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: be connecting with someone through my mind first. And although
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: there wasn't necessarily the physical connection, I felt very attracted
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: to his mind and to his conversation and to the
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: way that he saw the world. And I was very
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: attracted to the way that he was different to me.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: I was very curious about his life and his beliefs
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: and the way that he grew up. I think that
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: was the biggest draw card for me, is that curiosity
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: and wanting to know more about him and about his culture.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: He was a diplomat, which was really really interesting to me. Obviously,
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: someone whose work takes them around the world was something
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: that really appealed to me, and I'd put on my
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: profile that I really wanted someone who travels. I was
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: very adventurous at the time and was hoping to work
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: overseas myself, and I thought, okay, great, if I could
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: get to know this person, then if it all turns
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: out well, then maybe I'll get to go with him
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: as he works around the world. So we were able
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: to talk a lot about that and where we hoped
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: to go and where we had been, and yeah, I
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: was kind of hooked. From the first date. I felt
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: really safe with him, I felt really excited by him
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: and the prospect of dating him, and yeah, from that night,
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: I didn't really want to meet anyone else. I was
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: quite satisfied.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Naturally, the matchmaker was pretty curious about her handiwork was
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: more than happy to give credit where it was due.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: She called me after our first date. That was part
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: of the service was that the agent would call and
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: check in and see whether their match had been a
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: good one. And she called and said, well, yep, I
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: thought of Ali the minute that we finished your profile,
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: and I said, well, you've done an amazing job. We
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: have a lot in common and you can stop looking
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: because I'm happy to keep seeing him. So in my mind,
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: after that first date, I felt really calm and really
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: relieved because I had been through a year of crazy dating,
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: crazy appdating, and had decided to take this quite serious
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: step and invest fair bit of money into using a matchmaker,
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: and in my mind it had worked perfectly. I spent
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: three thousand dollars on the matchmaking service, which goes to
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: show how serious I was about finding a life partner.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: In my mind, it also reassured me that other people
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: who were using the service and spending that amount of
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: money were also serious about finding their life partner. So
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: I felt that it was a really reasonable amount of
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: money to fulfill this big desire to have that type
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: of relationship. So to me, that was a really big
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: win for the matchmaking agency because I thought, oh, you
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: guys are great. You've sent me this person on the
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: very first go so from then on we really hit
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: it off. We went on a few more dates and
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: then it was the second Sydney lockdown in COVID and
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: at the time I was living on my own with
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: my little cat, and he also lived alone, obviously because
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: he was away from his family. He was from Egypt,
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: so all of his family were overseas so we became
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: our contact bubble because at the time, my family that
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: were living in Sydney were in a different local government area,
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: so I couldn't even see my people. I couldn't see
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: my sister, I couldn't see any of my friends, I
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: couldn't see my parents, any of my normal people that
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: I would find comfort from. And yet the government was
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: saying you can be with your intimate partner or my
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: intimate partner i'd met like the month before, so we
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: had to make that work and support each other through lockdown.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: So we became very very close, very quickly. Because of
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: those circumstances. We ended up spending a few days at
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: each other's houses each week, and it was a real
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: comfort to know that I had him to rely on.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: I can remember his apartment was right in the CBD,
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: so I was quite impressed by his apartment. It had
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: views of the Opera House, so we could sit and
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: just look at the Opera House and the Harbor Bridge,
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: and I was definitely like dazzled by his job and
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: what he earned and the lifestyle that he could afford,
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: and that was really exciting to me. But during lockdown,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: I can remember the city being absolutely empty, and we
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: would just go on these long walks every weekend along
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: the waterfront and through the park and just talk and
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: get to know each other more and grab a coffee
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: and then just sit in his apartment looking at the
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: beautiful view and relaxing and reading and watching TV. It
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: was a very different start and progression of a relationship
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: that I'd ever experienced before, just because of the circumstances.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: So we had to find a lot of really low
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: key ways to get to know each other, which usually
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: just meant a lot of time spent on the couch,
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: binging shit's creek and enjoying each other's company. Covid put
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: us straight into the settling down home body stage, and
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: that meant that we did a lot of baking and
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: cooking and reading on the couch and walking to go
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: and get a coffee, binge watching shows. And to be honest,
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: I couldn't imagine anything better at that time, because that's
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: the type of relationship I had been missing, was the
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: type where you could just do the simple things at
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: home and have a quiet life and have a cup
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: of tea on the couch. Those were the types of
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: things that I was really craving at the time, so
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: even though we were still in that honeymoon phase of
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: our relationship, it thrust us into that quite serious, settled
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: down type of relationship really quickly. But I was really
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: loving it because I felt very calm and I felt
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: like we were just living our regular life together, and
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: whether it was hanging out at his apartment or hanging
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: out at mine, the simplicity of it was actually really enjoyable.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: I didn't feel like I wanted to go on big,
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: fancy dates or do anything exciting, and we couldn't because
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: of lockdown, but it was a really nice space to
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: be in.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Apart from this pesky pandemic, things were going great. There
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: was talk about the future, traveling the world, even talks
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: of marriage. So for leave, the obvious next step was
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: for Ali to meet her friends and family virtually.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: Of course, I really did like him, and even to
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: the point where my parents were living overseas at the
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: time and I introduced him to them on video chart
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: My family friends would put on these online trivia nights
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: and he would join in, and my friends and family
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: really tried to make an effort to include him, and
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: I really liked that because I could see that they
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: liked him, so, for instance, in the trivia nights, they
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: would try and put a question about Egypt in there
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: so he could have a point, you know. So everyone
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: around me really made him feel really welcome because he
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: was a visitor in our country and didn't have his
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: family around. So our relationship and our people, at least
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: from my side, really were starting to get to know
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: us as a couple. And yeah, I felt like it
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: was moving in that direction, that we were moving into
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: something very serious and that was going to grow. My
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: family thought he was a great match for me. I
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: felt like I was falling in love very fast. I
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: really did, because it was exactly what I've been craving.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: It was waking up with him, spending all day together.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: It was making each other cups of tea. It was
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: going to get groceries. It was cooking together, it was
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: watching TV together. It was all of the very simple
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: things that make relationships intimate. And I felt that I
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: was really growing really close to him because of the
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: circumstances that we were in. So even though we had
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: only known each other a couple of months, I felt
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: very very strongly for him very quickly. He became pretty
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: much everything my support person the person I could laugh with,
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: the person I could tell my day to, the person
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: who I would work from home with on opposite ends
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: of the dining table. Yeah, he became the first person
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: I saw in the morning in the last person I
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: saw at night. And not only had I not experienced
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: that before in any other relationship, but he replaced everyone
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: else that I could otherwise have relied upon in that time.
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: So I was enjoying that. I really enjoyed having him around.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: So three months after that first date, live had officially
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: caught the fields.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: We'd been spending practically every waking moment together in lockdown,
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: doing those normal daily things at home, and I just
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: felt like he was my person. I really did. He
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: was everything to me. He was the only person I
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: could be around. He was the only person that I
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: could talk to in person. He knew everything that was
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: going on in my life because he was there with
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: me living it, and I felt like I had fallen
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: in love with him, and I wanted to tell him.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: I did feel really nervous to tell him, And the
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: moment that I decided to do it was when I
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: first woke up in the morning and I rolled over
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: and I nudged him awake and with my eyeshut. I
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: just said I think I'm in love with you, and
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: he said, oh, thank you and hugged me. And internally
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: I was dying a little inside because he didn't say
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: it back.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: This was not the response live and hoped for or expected,
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: but they were happy. She figured he would say it
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: back in his own time. Surely, after all, they came
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: from very different backgrounds, so maybe that was a factor.
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: From day one, I knew that he was Muslim. Egypt
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: is a Muslim country, but in fact, on his profile
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: for the matchmaker, he'd put that he was non religious,
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: so I had taken that as being spiritual or agnostic
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: or not really having a faith. And I think the
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: mis understanding there was that being an Egyptian person, you
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: are Muslim by nature. It's the way that you grow up,
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: it's the way the culture is. And I think he
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: felt that because he didn't go to mosque or he
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: didn't pray five times a day, that he was non religious.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: That certainly his understanding of the world and particularly the
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: way that he did his job, was very associated with
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: Islam and how he understood the world and saw the world.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: So I knew from the get go, but understanding how
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: important it was to him came along the way. That's
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: why it felt so confusing, because to say that he
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: was non religious and then to be in a job
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: that was so connected to the Muslim faith and upholding
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: the national identities and Egyptian it was less that I
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: wasn't Muslim and more that it would threaten his job.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: That was the issue. He did Ramadan that year and
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: I supported him through that. We went to ead and
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: eat feasts together and that was a really cool experiencerience.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: But I suppose he practiced his faith in like a
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: very surface level way and pick and chose which parts
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: of his faith that he was willing to engage in.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: He went to Egypt during our relationship to visit his family,
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: and I can remember a time I wanted a video
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: call him to see you know, obviously we were dating,
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: so I wanted to see how his day had been
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: and just to catch up. And he answered the phone
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: and said, I'm going to have to call you back.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: I said, okay, no problem, no problem. But he never
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: turned his camera on, and when he called me back,
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: he was like in a tiny room with the light off,
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: like hiding in a room. I'm like, what are you
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: doing and he said, oh, I'm just at a family lunch.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: I'm just with my family. I said, okay, well, can
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: I say how to your mum? And he goes, oh, no, no, no,
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: she's busy. He said, what about your brother and he goes,
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: oh no, no, no, don't worry about that. He's busy
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: as well. And he was really really dismissive of me
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: trying to interact interact with him and also with his family,
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: and he was giving me a lot of one word answers, So,
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: how's your day been going?
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: Good, how's your family? They're fine. Didn't really ask me
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: anything in return, and he was away for about a
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: week and we called maybe twice during that week, and
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: that was one of the worst weeks for me because
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: I felt so lonely because I didn't have him to
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: text or call or him with me, and I felt abandoned.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: It's the only word I can think of. And whenever
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: he would call me, he would always be hiding away
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: somewhere he'd never be with other people. And I didn't
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: let myself think it, but I started to suspect that
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: they didn't know that I existed, and it was always
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: really hard for me to know what other people knew
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: because he would talk to his family in Arabic, so
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: if he was on the phone with his family when
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: I was around, he would be speaking to them in
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: the language I didn't understand. And I can remember taking him,
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: you know, on the bond Die to Bronte Walk and
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: he was taking all of these photos for his social media,
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: little videos, little snippets, and he took pictures with me
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: and no, it was really cute. It was one of
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: our first outings together. And when I got home that night,
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: we weren't together. That night. For whatever reason, he had
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: posted this video, this reel of his day, and no
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: photos of me were in there. He hadn't tagged me
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: in it, he hadn't mentioned me at all. And I
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: remember talking to him about it and he said, oh,
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: it's because I'm really private. For my job, I can't
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: be seen with other people. I just prefer to keep
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: my social media about myself. And I thought, okay, well
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: that's reasonable. Maybe he's just a really private person. And
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: I remember telling him that it was important to me
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: that he was proud of me and spoke about me,
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: and that our relationship was something that he shared with people,
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: and he goes, okay, well maybe I will you know
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: next time we go on a date. There was never
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: any post about me or with me in any of
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: his social media, and again I made an excuse for it.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: I thought, Okay, well, he's just keeping his privacy and
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: he's keeping me protected. I didn't know what the risks
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: of being a diplomat were. Maybe he couldn't put any
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: of his associates out on Instagram or whatever he was using.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: Maybe it was like a genuine security risk. So I
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: just had faith in him and trusted him that. That's
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: the reason.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: Why, while Live was learning so much about Ali's life
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: as a diplomat and his culture, naturally, she also wanted
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: to expose him to hers.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: Ali had never experienced Christmas before, and well, my family
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: decided to invite him around for our typical family Christmas.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: So there were gifts under the Christmas tree for him.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: There were Santa hats for a all to where my
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: mum had done a full ros, the turkey, the ham
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: that everything and had presented it on the dining table
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: when we're all sitting around having a nice time and
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: doing the Christmas crackers. It was Christmas carols were going.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: It's like the quintessential Christmas. They put more into Christmas
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: that year than they would usually because they knew that
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: he was coming. And it was before dessert. We just
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: finished our meal and he said, when are we leaving?
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: And he said that in front of my entire family,
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: and I said, I'm with my family, like, we're going
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: to stay for dessert and then we can go if
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: you want. And he just sat there with this look
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: on his face like he didn't want to be there
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: at all, like leaning back in his chair, folding his arms.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: And I can remember just looking at my parents really apologetically,
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: like trying to communicate through my eyes how sorry I was.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: And that was pretty much like the pattern of our
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: relationship is that he would behave in a way that
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: I felt I was responsible for, and there was no
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: separation between his behavior and how responsible I felt. And
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: when we did eventually leave, and we left earlier before
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: the rest of my family, he asked to be dropped
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: off at his place and said, oh, I've got to
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: go to work. And I went home and spent the
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: rest of Christmas Day by myself watching I think I
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: watched Harry Potter for the afternoon on my own on
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: Christmas Day and he went home.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: This was incredibly out of character for ally. At this point,
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: they'd been dating for a year and he was always
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: so kind and respectful to live his family. Something felt wrong,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: but the next time they saw each other it felt
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: like things were back to normal, until it didn't.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: It was the end of December that we went on
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: a regular date and we got back to his apartment.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: I was planning on staying like I would usually do,
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: and I started talking to him about how excited I
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: was to meet his family and reflecting on how nice
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: it had been to have him at my family Christmas.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: And I said, how do you think your family would
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: feel about me coming to visit next time you go
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: to Egypt? And he said to me, oh, they'll be polite,
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: but they'll be worried about my job. And I said,
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: what do you mean by that? And he said, well,
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: with my job, I'm not supposed to be married to
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: or even dating someone who's not a Muslim, and my
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: stomach fell through the floor. I can't describe the feeling,
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: because it was the only time I can remember where
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: a piece of information had really thrown me for six
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: like rug pulled under the feet type of moment. Yeah,
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: the shock was immediate, and I asked him to clarify that,
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: and I said, well, hang on, we're dating. I'm not Muslim,
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: I'm not Egyptian, so what are we doing? And he said, oh,
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: it's too early to think about that. And I said,
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: a year in is a fair amount of time to
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: be thinking about it, and ideally I would have known
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: this from the first date. He disagreed, and he said, oh,
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: it doesn't matter, we can just keep dating. And I said, well,
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: when you leave the country, then what do we do?
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: And he goes, oh, he could didn't have an answer
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: for that, And that's when all the red flags started
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: popping up, because it reminded me of times where I
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: would want to talk about moving overseas with him and
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: he would shut the conversation down, or I would ask
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: him how his family was going, and he'd give me
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: one word answers. So it turned out that he had
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: told no one about me, he'd even been home to
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: Egypt during the time that we were together, and had
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: kept me a secret the entire time. And I really
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: tried during that conversation to try and work it out.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: I said how important is your job to you? Is
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: it something you can always see yourself doing? And he
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: says yes, Like okay, well that's the biggest problem. We
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: can't be together. If you're going to be an Egyptian diplomat,
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: it's in your contract. And I said, look, I don't
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: see a way that we can still be together. And
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: on the car ride home, he dropped me home because
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: I didn't have my car, and that's when he decided
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: to tell me that he loved me. Was the moment
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: that I said that we couldn't be together anymore. It
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: was like his last ditch effort to try and keep
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: me around. In the shock, I was still trying to
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: find ways to reconnect with him, so I tried to
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: come up with all sorts of different solutions. I was like, well,
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: what if we don't tell your work, what if we
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: don't get married, what if I convert to Islam? What
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: if I become an Egyptian citizen. I was really throwing
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: crazy things out there, and then it hit me. I thought, no,
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: I can't do that. I don't want that. I was
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: under the impression that the way that I was was
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: enough for him, when fundamentally it wasn't He said to me,
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: I do want to get married. And I said, but
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: you just told me you can't marry a non Muslim,
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: and he goes yeah. And I said, well, does that
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: mean you want to get married just not to me?
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: And he goes, well, it's too early to think about that.
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: His repeated phrase was it's too early to think about that.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: So what I took from that was he had been
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: enjoying having an Australian girl while he was here in
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: Sydney and getting the benefit of seeing more of the city,
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: seeing a different side of life, and then he was
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: going to leave me behind and date someone else in
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: Spain or Portugal or wherever else he was going to
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: go in the world and just keep doing that as
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: part of his traveling the world experience as a diplomat,
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: and eventually marry an Egyptian girl who his family would
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: approve of, who his workplace would approve of. And perhaps
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: that's what he was imagining when he said that he
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: wanted to get married one day.
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: So live made the call right then and there she
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: broke up with him.
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: He burst into tears, stood up and went into the bathroom.
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: And I honestly think the penny dropped for him, that
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: he did care for me a lot, and that the
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: understanding that he was losing me and that there wasn't
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: a solution that either of us were comfortable with hit
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: him and hard, and then I love you started. Then
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: the begging started, and I don't know what came over me,
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: but I felt very certain and that I needed to
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: stand up for myself in that situation, and that negotiating
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: who I was and what I wanted was something I
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: couldn't keep doing because I felt that I had been
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: a chameleon the entire year, trying to make him feel
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: comfortable and trying to make him feel loved, and I
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: realized I hadn't had any of that in return, and
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: that was where the buck stopped.
• 32:36
  Speaker 3: There.
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: I needed to say no, and I needed to walk away.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: And that's exactly what she did.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: When I walked through the door of my apartment, I
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: cried and called my best friend and I told her
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: what happened, and she was in shock. She had so
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: much disbelief. She goes, what do you mean? What do
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: you mean that he has been dating you this entire
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: year knowing that you're not Muslim, You're not Egyptian and
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: he's so committed to his job that you can't be
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: together long term. I'm like, oh yeah. It took someone
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: else telling it back to me to understand the betrayal
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: that he'd put me through, and that he'd been lying
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: by a mission to me the entire year. Even though
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: we texted for the next couple of days. I called
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: him and said, we can't be friends. I'm not okay
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: with that. We've broken up and that's it. I don't
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: want to know you. I don't want to stay in
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: contact with you anymore. I felt really betrayed, and after
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: we broke up, it was really the straw that broke
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: the camel's back from my mental health. If I'm honest,
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: I had already been experiencing quite a lot of loneliness
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: and isolation, obviously through the COVID pandemic. I'd had a
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: string of very bad dating experiences and relationships. I had
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: literally spent thousands on going to a matchmaker and in
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: good faith, meeting this person who on paper matched all
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: of my criteria, and I felt just helpless and directionless,
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: like I didn't know what to do next, and my
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: biggest desire was to find someone that I could start
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: a family with, and all around me, all of my
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: friends were starting their families. My sister had been with
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: her partner for over a decade. I felt like the
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: real odd one out, and it really set me into
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: a big hole mentally that took a lot of intervention
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: and therapy to bring myself out of. I ended up
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: hospitalized from a mental health at one point I needed
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: to move back in with my parents for them to
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: take care of me. I spent nine months in weekly
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: group therapy to learn more about how to manage my
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: emotions and to listen to myself. I don't think up
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: unto that point, I had ever truly asked what I wanted.
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: Even reflecting back on the relationship I had with Ali,
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: I spent a lot of my time trying to take
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: care of him as the person who was here without
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: his family. So I would cook and clean his apartment
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: and make sure the fridge was stocked, and I really
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: put a lot of effort into making his life easy.
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: And I had never turned that love and care on myself,
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: So it took learning those skills for me to find
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: my way back to myself. And during about six months
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: into that process, I met my now husband. So he
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: met me at a point in time where I felt
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: like I was truly me, and I don't think if
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: I had met him at any other point in my
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: life prior to that, I don't think I would have
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: been able to make it work because I didn't know
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: myself well enough and I didn't know how to express
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: my emotion healthily. So it's the biggest silver lining to
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: a massive storm cloud that was that year, and I'm
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: truly healthier than I've ever been thanks to that experience.
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: And as for Ali, I heard from him maybe a
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: year later and he sent me an Instagram message. I
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: was with my now husband at the time, and he
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: said to me, I now realize what a big mistake
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: I made. I treated you very badly. I hope in
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: your heart you can forgive me. And I said to him,
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: I actually have no need to forgive you. You need
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: to forgive yourself. But I'm now in a very, very
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: healthy relationship where my feelings are reciprocated and I'm very
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: comfortable and you don't cross my mind at all. And
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: then he blocked me. So that was it. My husband
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: and I have been married for six months. We got
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: married in January, and he is such a gift. I
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: could not have imagined anyone like him. Particularly in the
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: aftermath of that breakup. I felt hopeless I would never
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: find anybody, and that I would be lonely, and I
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: needed to, with some help train myself to imagine a
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: life where I was on my own and be very
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: happy with what that might look like. So I could
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: visualize that. And it was within that sense of myself
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: and within that rebuilding a life that was just mine
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: that I met him, and we did meet through the apps.
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: They do work eventually, and I had written on my
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: profile that I wanted a house with a wrap around
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: veranda and a really big backyard that was big enough
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: for a dog and children to run around on, and
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: that I was imagining sitting with a cup of tea
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: in the evening watching the children play. And that is
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: the prompt on my profile that he responded to, and
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: he said, that sounds perfect. That's what I'm looking for
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: as well, and we messaged. We called each other on
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: the phone before we went on our first date and
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: spoke for hours, and when I met him, we went
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: for dinner and he sat down opposite me, and he's gorgeous,
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: and I was just in awe of him, and we
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: spoke about ironically, we spoke about our religions, and I
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: was describing my spirituality, he was describing his. And even
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: though he is from a different faith background to me,
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: he's Hindu. We understand the universe and the world in
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: such a similar way. And it's through our shared values
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: You've been able to build our life together. And I
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: really I respect him. I look up to him. He's
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: the gentle, kindest, most loving person in the whole planet.
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: And I know everyone says that about their husbands, but honestly,
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: and our life now is so settled and reciprocal, and
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: we make such a fantastic team. My sister did ask
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: when we first started dating. She goes, Okay, he's Hindu.
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: Is there any reason at all that you cannot be together?
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: And I messaged him and I said, Okay, don't take
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: this the wrong way, but you're Hindu and I'm not.
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: Is that going to be a problem? And he goes, nah,
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: my sister married a white guy. She's fine, It's all
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: going to be fine. And it was our wedding. We
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: had a beautiful Hindu ceremony and his family and my
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: family get along beautifully. So it just goes to show
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: that there can be differences in faith and culture, but
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: it's the shared values and the love that can bind
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: people together. If I were to have my time again,
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: I would tell myself to slow down and really listen
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: to myself and to ask myself the question what do
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: you need and what do you want? Rather than trying
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: to think about what others need and yeah, I would
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: go more internal and really try to understand what I
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: want and find comfort on my own before trying to
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: connect with someone else. That's the key.
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: I think.
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: Everyone has an eggs. It's a Minti Media production and
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: proudly part of the Mum and Mean Network. This episode
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: is written and produced by Linda Scott. Interview conducted by
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: Katie Powers and narrated by me Georgia Love. If you
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  Speaker 1: next episode.