Latest / Frankie and Johnny: The Conversations We Never Had / Most boys are carrying something in silence.

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Most boys are carrying something in silence. · Frankie and Johnny: The Conversations We Never Had

• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: This is Frankie.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: And this is Johnny.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: And welcome to Conversations.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: We never had.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: So a couple weeks ago, we were in an episode and we talked a little bit about some of the importance of instead of saying when our kids get home, How are you?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh what did you do?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: What did you do?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like bring in the conversation where it's not just a yes, no, fine, okay answer, right?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: So within that, um, we learned not too long ago that someone who we care deeply about, someone we love, uh part of the family, was going through some really difficult times uh and left the house with the intention of never coming back.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Johnny, um when you heard that what came up for you?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: How did you Yeah, a lot of uh emotions um that you know sometimes we don't know what people are going through and and sometimes it's shocking like because sometimes those people could be like the most happy and charma charismatic and and um they're always like in a good mood and and you don't know what's I guess behind the scenes in their life and and what they're going through.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: So never take any moment that you have with somebody for granted.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: People that you love, um always cherish those moments when when you're with those people because it matters a lot for them and it matters a lot for you too in the long run.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it it was it was uh it was obviously sad when I heard I was obviously sad when I heard that.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but at the same time I guess I was happy because like it didn't happen, you know.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but yeah.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well you were happy that it was here, but w when you started sharing like I felt that, like I felt that right now almost like you were remembering the feeling in the moment and you started by saying it was a lot of emotions, you know.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me tell us more when you say a lot of emotions.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, suddenness, happiness, um just like worried uh I think that was that was it to be honest.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like those three like were the main ones.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I mean the other ones maybe I was a little bit like frustrated with myself that I could have that I could have been I guess there for him, more there for him.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um but those were the emotions and then I saw you uh when that happened 'cause I was with you and there was this almost like this uh shock really and then you went to talk to him in in like in private.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: You want to share a little bit about what you you said, what you what what that was about?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well yeah, the shock was of course, like I said, like that he was just such a like happy and joyful kid, and um not kid kid, um yeah um he was just a happy person and and it's crazy because you you wouldn't think you wouldn't think of that like of him or I mean yeah and when I went to talk to him I was just asking him like like what happened had what had happened that day um and he told me a little bit about the story of course um and it was a little bit later that day and he had actually he had actually called me uh I was already sleeping but yeah uh I can't really share much of what I talked to him about, but okay yeah okay that's fair.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um what did that teach you about the way that you see people around you?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um you mentioned some of of that you were shocked is a word that that that comes to mind as as as was I.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: What what did it teach you about what people may be going through and in silence maybe?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, I mean people people have have rough days, hard times, and sometimes people just shut down mentally.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you always have to have somebody that you could talk to about this stuff because it's just not good to keep it inside because then it leads on to this, and it's a really bad like in our society right now.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's my dad always talks about it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, suicide's quadrupled so 'cause of social media and people just people are crazy out there.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, they wait wait wait, but I want to say on that, like it's not that's not so much of of like people being crazy.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um No, I'm not talking about the people that wanna like I guess end it, but I'm talking about people, other people like that influence you and stuff.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, no, no, I wanna but I wanted to make sure that the audience understood the yeah, yeah, the difference.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: So so i i go a little more on that when you say influence that like w what do you uh elaborate on that because like uh you guys sometimes as teens see watch different things and maybe us grown-ups uh watch on that on that front.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: What are some of the things that you see out there as as a teenager in some some of the pages or what have you, let's say on social media that you've seen that maybe some of us would be like surprised, like, whoa, that stuff is really happening?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Can you share a little bit about that?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: On pages, I don't really like I don't think I see stuff that are like I mean not stuff like that, but it's just some kids like they don't know any better and they think like it's like their friend or something, and maybe their friend got hacked or or you know it's a fake person behind the screen.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um and they're texting you, and and you know, like it's just stuff that you have to be careful with and and you gotta make sure like you know who you're who you're talking to on the phone and who you're texting because it could be dangerous.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And that that message right there, who who who would you say that because that sounds like more messages as far as like the danger, not to adults like myself, who are who do you want to do?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the kids, the kids out there, cuz I mean all those those I guess pedophiles and all those people, those they're not looking for no adults.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's for the kids for teenagers.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So be careful.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if if you're ever worried about something, talk to your parents about it, and if you have somebody else talk to about it, like make it known and and so people know because maybe that person's going on your um one of your friends and and you don't talk to them about it, and and it happens to them.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: So and and it's really important.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: So this message, parents, this is for like you know, not just your teens, but younger kids, because like they're susceptible to this.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: There was just uh recently this uh a lawsuit that Meta, Instagram and Facebook settled for 17 and a half billion dollars, and it sounds like a lot of money, but they make 200 and something billion dollars uh profit a year basically to shut it down, knowing full well that this stuff was happening and purposefully pushing it to the side.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: So this message is really teens and and and and younger and younger that there's people out there just um that are not in your best interest.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you did say something there that that I want to, you know, I want you to elaborate on too, because you said parents, but some kids, teens, young people feel like they their parents don't really understand, or they maybe they're embarrassed.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, obviously, if in in the or in the case of somebody who there's uh somebody seeking a relationship, person pretending they're they're someone else, you know, lead that can lead to predators and and stuff of that nature.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um I just thought of something now, remind me later uh about this.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um who can they who would you say for them to then for them, what should they say or for or or who should could they talk to?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Make from children to parents?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, those that don't feel comfortable maybe talking to their parents, like what would you say?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like what would be your message to young people, teenagers, like that maybe they don't feel comfortable talking to their parents?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: What was what's your message to them?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh talk to a friend.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh episode we had uh episode three or two.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what is a real friend?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh make sure it's one of your real friends that you really trust.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um talk to them about it.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Have somebody else.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, maybe honestly, it's if you have a therapist, talk to them about it.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't feel comfortable with your parents, um I I don't I don't know.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I mean what do you think?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because honestly, I I I think you you have to tell your parents.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I know.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this stuff is happening because but there may be kids who they don't have a parent really available, even if they're available that they're not really available.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, you've witnessed that in moments from me, you know, and and and and that's we'll get on on that for those people who don't know my story and how we ended up here.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: We'll we'll get to that in another moment.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: But there may be people that that are that or again that that are afraid.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so you asked me what what would I say?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I would say like let somebody always know where you're at.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, regardless, hey, listen, um, you know, um I'm gonna go see somebody and and let this be a warning.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's a book that that I think you're reading.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: What what's the name you you want to share so that they can hear it?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm gonna reference the book right now.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: What's the book you're you're currently on?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: In school or no, no, no, no, no, at home, at home.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot where the name was.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Where where were you?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot the name.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this is we're gonna edit this book.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Winners Never Cheat.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Repeat that.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: What's the book?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Winners Never Cheat.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: By well, you don't know the author or no?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: By John Huntsman.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: And and and it I'm referencing referencing that.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: There's a part in that book that he talks about over and over again.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Do you do you know what where I'm going with it about what it says when someone's gonna want to.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to your gut.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: He talks about listen to your gut and where he shares in the book, great book, easy read.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Read.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: We need to start reading more and learning more from stuff outside of school.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, having said that, we all have an inner compass.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: We all have an inner knowing that's telling us what's right from wrong.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: If you are like, oh, I don't know if I should do this, listen to that voice.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't really want to tell my parents, because what your parents want what's best for you.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: If not, tell a friend, find your set of therapist, a coach, a mentor, somebody who you can confide in that outside than out of your your own home that, hey, listen, I'm gonna be somewhere, just please keep an eye, or or what have you.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't know somebody, don't go anywhere.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Don't go anywhere with someone that that that you don't really know uh uh unless you're going uh together.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um having said that, uh now you know, let let's um as far as men, uh, you know, we talked a little bit about conversations instead of having more of a dialogue, digging deeper, staying a word that's really resonated with me over the last couple of years is act always as if we don't know.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: And what I mean by that is not just about life, but about people.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Stay curious, stay maybe.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know, for men, we you ask them if you're fine, they're generally gonna say, How are you?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: Fine, good.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Instead, ask, How are you sleeping lately?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: A man will describe how he's sleeping or not sleeping.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, what keeps you up at night?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: What are concerns that that are going on with you right now?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now you're opening up a window for a man to actually express themselves.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't so much for young people, but this is a message for for the adults, you know, in our life.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um Johnny, uh going back to to you know that day, that moment, and and for other moments, uh people that are struggling, uh like that person dear to us.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think we could have done or could have been done um earlier, sooner in order so that it never got?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: And this may be you may be adding on to to what I just talked about, uh so that that person how how could you have better knowing what we know now be more present and be more aware, not just of that person, but of other people around us, like friends, other friends, other uh acquaintances.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um well I'm uh the uh that day uh it had to obviously do like not just that day, but that day was I guess the final like um but that that day uh he did like I said he called me, I I was asleep.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um I obviously regret not answering, but at the same time like I wasn't I wasn't awake.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: I if I was awake of course I would have answered.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um But from beforehand I think uh I wish I wish I could share a story, but I I can't.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um he he loves people a lot and um I guess that whatever led up to that on that day he didn't love himself.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I think w as people we have to we have to show that love to other people that that we truly love them and ask them questions and stay curious uh about about their life and what they're what they're going through or you know um ask them yeah, I mean what they have those check-ins and I mean what do you think that uh you could have, I guess, um well what I just realized was you were a 2 a.m.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: phone call.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: And what I mean by that doesn't mean that the call was made at 2 a.m.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what time that was.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: But most people, specifically most men, we don't have a somebody we can call at 2 o'clock in the morning.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: And that's one of the problems.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's one of the biggest problems we're having in in society and and and disconnection and people need people.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: People need people.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's not soft needing people, it's soft thinking that you need a particular person, but we all need each other, we're not meant to walk this journey alone.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: What I got though is like you were he knew you were a 2 a.m.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: person.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: He knew you were a person that he can call you at a certain time, granted you were sleeping, but that you'd answer the call of being there for him.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I say that now as a father proudly.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that speaks to how he values you as a friend and how you've shown up in his life as one.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: And now I'm gonna ask a question that is terrifying, that um I'm getting emotional just thinking about the question because it's one of those questions as parents that we don't want to ask because we're afraid of hearing the answer.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: But it's so important that we know.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever felt like that?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um frustrated at times.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh me and my dad go from low to high, so uh we're like explosive.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um and that's the truth.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that's the truth.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: We're we're explosive, and um we'll get into arguments and define explosive though, because maybe somebody out there is saying, Oh man, they're throwing plates and and and and and glasses and getting into battle fist fights and and it's not because he's screaming and never it's never gotten physical.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um but it's just screaming like really yeah.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean we scream it when when the fights get bad.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: We have um especially like when he was when he was drinking, of course, it was worse.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um now we you know we know how to kind of like settle both of ourselves down, give each other space and and talk about it after.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um but yeah, I get frustrated one day I was so mad I opened my door and and I parched a hole in the back of uh of the wall.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um But I've never thought about you know taking my life because I know the man above's got me.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: And and whatever I go through, y I I'm always gonna turn to him.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, like I said, whatever whatever it is I I know that that if no one if no one loves me and I've never felt not loved, but if no one does love me, I know God will.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um but I'm loved by by a lot of people, I think.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um at least my dad and my sister and my mom, so um yeah.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're loved, man.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: You're loved by a lot of people.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Your girlfriend, yeah, girlfriend family, you got friends call you at two in the morning, like that's a two in the morning.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's the if you ever want to know where you are in somebody's life, like that should be right there, though, the answer.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I gotta tell you, like, I I still got um tears of of relief because I didn't know what that I know the answer I want to hear, which is what I got.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: But I didn't know the answer I was going to hear.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: And parents, this is really important, like avoiding the hard conversation.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: Those are actually the conversations that we need to have.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: The ones that you don't want to have, because it's gonna get you clarity and closeness that you'll never get from not having it and a relief and more than anything if your son or daughter is going through that and they tell you well now you can be part of the solution instead of wondering what could have I done what difference could I have made I was a couple months ago in a room with parents who all of them had lost their child through suicide and there's nothing they could have done and what they would have been done to have that conversation it'll save you a lifetime of pain hardship so in in in light of all this um it takes one person it takes one person to change your life your thinking to guide you in the right path to remind you your worth as as a as a human being as a child to mention God there's uh somebody who I uh mentor somebody I I I admire uh Simon Sinek and he talks about the importance of eight minutes and uh what I mean by eight minutes is like sometimes when somebody's feeling down or if you're feeling down if you're feeling down you're in the gutter you don't have to be in that moment where you're thinking about taking your life don't wait till that moment you send a text do you have eight minutes that's it that signal of eight minutes what it means is hey I really need you and generally speaking these conversations of just not fixing not telling them oh everything's gonna be okay men generally listen this is really important for men stop trying to fix things we need to stop everything is not about fixing oftentimes matters of the heart it's about listening it's about seeking to understand and put yourself where the person is not making them wrong not justifying one thing one way or the other but about going and listening and going through the mud with that so Johnny uh takeaway for for for this week for um parents teams um I'm surprised you didn't say this uh or maybe you did I I just didn't hear it uh but he's talking about that somebody they always need to be one person so become that one person in their life uh and be that one but that wasn't my takeaway I just wanted to share that um let's stay there like go go go deeper I like that I like that yeah be that one person in their life because you're gonna live with that pain but not only that pain you're gonna live with that regret and living with living with regrets is honestly like one of the worst things um that you could live with because you you it's like you had that chance and you didn't take it um so take those chances in life and and yeah if somebody needs somebody be that one be that one person so which reminds me of somebody uh Ed Millette the power of one um somebody you you resonate deeply with I've had a connection with um and I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna go further with that it's I'm gonna I'm gonna add on to that not just so much like the regret component but it's really really the power of being that one person like we've gotten so caught up in in every avenue in in work in family in in even from from ministry and and church about like it's about you and you and your salvation and your life or me me me and we're so disconnected and lonely because life is not meant about me it's about we because you get one of the basic human needs that we have in life is a need of contribution like we all we all it's a need it's a basic fundamental human need but we're not filling that need enough and then there's a part of us is that's empty you be that one person in someone's life and you watch how fulfilling that is for you it's the most selfless yet selfish thing you can do for yourself.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna repeat that it's the most selfish selfless thing you can do for yourself because in helping that other person at the same time you're filling yourself up with knowing that you contributed to the betterment of that individual got anything else Sean uh is that part of our takeaways or no yeah yeah I mean I I was gonna add something else but I mean I that's uh yeah but that's that's a takeaway if you got if you got anything left we can um yeah I mean it those people like maybe that you don't check in on and and you don't talk to make sure you talk to them check in on them um I talked about like my friends uh my real friends uh like three episodes ago um and I I I check up check up on them like at least at least once every two weeks I checked up on my uh my one of my best friends growing up uh took baby pictures of that I was gonna call with him yesterday on a call for like an hour just talking and you gotta do that and with your family too and your siblings um I just talked to my cousin today uh he's getting married in December so yeah good I I thank you again like you you you're giving me you're dropping dimes on me like uh here's my takeaway in addition to that and as we wrap this up this week this week today that's it because oh I'll do it this week call somebody that you know that maybe you haven't checked in on in a while or you know that they're struggling or they're alone or they don't have many people be the one be the one you'll feel better for it guarantee send it submit your questions we've got in a bunch of questions we're about to do an episode real soon where we're dropping uh like uh well we're gonna be answering uh a lot of questions we're gonna uh maintain anonymous most people said that they want to you know keep that in in private so we'll be answering some of your questions and and and bring them in make sure to subscribe to Frankie and Johnny uh yeah Instagram is up um it's got no traction right now but it's okay uh it's just the start of it um yeah Instagram's up and and Facebook and uh if you feel you're getting value if you feel that we're providing value like we we want to continue bringing this like we really appreciate your support subscribe um share uh invite people into this the goal of this is really to get be a part of the solution and instead of just sitting with a problem you know complaining about it like get in there and and do something about it.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: So this is Frankie and this is Johnny conversations we never had that and don't forget to make that call absolutely