Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 144: Progress Over Perfection: Combating Black & White Thinking

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144: Progress Over Perfection: Combating Black & White Thinking · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  As you know, for the entire month of January, we're talking about how to maintain, resolve when it comes to those new year's resolutions and keeping our goals.
• 0:30
  I've asked you on social media, what's coming up for you and what gets in your way.
• 0:34
  And one of the big things getting in people's way is the unexpected.
• 0:38
  Things are just popping up and then it feels really discouraging.
• 0:41
  Like, well, I guess for today that goal just feels impossible.
• 0:44
  I can't do it today.
• 0:46
  So maybe it's little things, right?
• 0:47
  Like maybe you caved and you had that cookie or you didn't get that workout in, or maybe your ex spouse or your co-parent they've are starting to pick a fight with you about the kids.
• 0:57
  Maybe you got sick.
• 0:58
  You're dysregulated.
• 0:59
  So you aren't doing the things.That you told yourself you were going to do.
• 1:02
  And when that happens, it can be really easy to beat yourself up about it.
• 1:07
  So if you find yourself beating yourself up first, welcome to planet earth.
• 1:11
  If you're new here, this is what the human experience is like.
• 1:14
  We all have these days and we often compare our worst to somebody else's best.
• 1:21
  But I'll be honest with you.
• 1:22
  I don't know anyone that maintains their goals.
• 1:24
  100%.
• 1:26
  Everyone has a little bit of struggle from time to time and it's going to be okay.
• 1:31
  So I want to remind you today that something is better than nothing.
• 1:36
  One pushup is better than zero pushups.
• 1:39
  Five minutes of meditation is better than zero minutes of meditation.
• 1:43
  Taking three deep breaths is better than not doing any of your breath work today.
• 1:47
  Having one minute outside in sunshine is better than having none.
• 1:52
  The brain wants to tell you that because you didn't do something 100% that you have failed.
• 1:58
  But your 100% is just going to look different every day.
• 2:02
  And part of the goal is to assess where you're at, so that you can do the best with your current circumstances.
• 2:08
  Life does happen, and it is going to be a challenge to show up at your max capacity every single day.
• 2:15
  And maintain that same standard for yourself.
• 2:18
  But remember that every single day you're a hundred percent is going to look a little bit different.
• 2:23
  And that's okay.
• 2:25
  So maybe for example, when you're feeling sick, maybe the best that you can do that would actually be you showing up as your a hundred percent self would be to sit on the front porch and get some sunshine for a few minutes.
• 2:36
  You might wish that you were well enough to go on a run, but you decide well, but for today, the best I can do is sit on the front porch and get some sunshine and that's okay.
• 2:46
  Maybe when you're feeling stressed out at work with this looming deadline, maybe in that particular moment, it would actually be better to invest your time and energy into that project and finishing it up versus spending your day doing what you'd planned to do, which is meal prepping.
• 3:00
  So maybe you're ordering in instead of meal prepping like you planned and that's okay.
• 3:04
  Because in that moment there is something else that is a higher priority.
• 3:09
  So, yes.
• 3:10
  Sometimes we can plan around life circumstances.
• 3:14
  But also sometimes things just come up.
• 3:17
  And when they do it is your job to not beat yourself up about it.
• 3:22
  For many people, when they find themselves faltering during the week, then they might just say, well, I guess that I messed up.
• 3:28
  So I'll start again on Monday or I'll start again at the first of the month.
• 3:31
  And they kick that can down the road.
• 3:34
  And then when they're telling themselves, well, I've already messed up anyway.
• 3:37
  So everything that I've done doesn't count, then they're actually creating some thoughts that are going to trigger behaviors that they don't necessarily want.
• 3:45
  So they might think, well, I already ate a donut.
• 3:47
  I might as well eat the rest of the dozen.
• 3:49
  Right.
• 3:50
  So if you notice this in yourself, remind yourself that, okay.
• 3:54
  Yes, I did have one donut.
• 3:56
  And I can start right now to make better choices.
• 4:00
  I don't have to wait until next Monday or next month to start again.
• 4:04
  I can start right now and recognize that.
• 4:06
  Okay.
• 4:07
  I did set a goal.
• 4:08
  To not eat donuts.
• 4:10
  I did eat a single donut and I'm reminding myself that there's other things that I want more right now.
• 4:15
  That I want to manage my sugar levels and I want to manage my health a bit better.
• 4:20
  And I'm choosing now to start again and to move forward through that.
• 4:25
  Your brain is going to want to tell you that well, you're failure now, I guess that that's the end, but remind yourself that no, I can have a little bit of a back step and I can keep moving forward.
• 4:36
  We like to think that growth and change are constant and consistent and that we're continuously moving upwards.
• 4:42
  But when you really look close at things, growth kind of looks like this.
• 4:45
  It kind of goes up and down and overall the trend goes upward.
• 4:49
  But we give ourselves a lot of grief when we have those little missteps.
• 4:54
  When we slide back a little bit, we give ourselves a lot of grief, but that doesn't mean that you're not experiencing growth.
• 5:01
  Now on a recent episode, I talked about emotional flashbacks and I will link that episode in the show notes, if you want to go and have a listen, but let's kind of revisit the idea of emotional flashbacks through the context of, um, goal-setting.
• 5:14
  It's really easy for us to have those emotional flashbacks when we do make a mistake and think, oh, nothing has changed.
• 5:21
  I am now the way I always have been, and it can be really a challenge to actually measure our growth.
• 5:26
  So let me use an actual example of an actual client with a bit of a name change.
• 5:31
  So we're going to call this client Sarah.
• 5:33
  So Sarah had been working hard to lose weight.
• 5:36
  Her goal was to lose 30 pounds and to do this, then she decided that she was going to meal plan.
• 5:41
  She was only going to eat the things in her plan.
• 5:43
  And because she was meal planning and meal prepping, she would have all of her meals ready to go in exactly the kind of calories that she needed, make sure they were nutrient dense, that they would sustain her.
• 5:52
  And as long as she meal prepped and stayed on plan and did that as well as she also wanted to go to the gym.
• 5:58
  Right.
• 5:58
  So you'd go to the gym at least four days a week.
• 6:00
  Then she figured it, then I will experience that weight loss.
• 6:04
  Now as she started to do this.
• 6:06
  Yeah, she was losing weight.
• 6:07
  So her goal was to lose 30 pounds and she had lost 17 pounds.
• 6:13
  And then life happened.
• 6:15
  There were some things happening in her personal life that kind of threw off her schedule.
• 6:18
  So she wasn't going to the gym.
• 6:20
  She also was unable to meal prep in the way that she would have liked and, you know, hormones are just wonky.
• 6:25
  They do stuff.
• 6:26
  So while she had lost 17 pounds, she had gained back a pound and a half on this particular week.
• 6:33
  And she was really having a hard time with that.
• 6:35
  And she told me, she was like, well, I'm just not doing good.
• 6:37
  It's not working.
• 6:39
  I can't believe it didn't work.
• 6:40
  I tried, I failed, I guess I'm done now.
• 6:43
  And she was really beating herself up over this.
• 6:46
  And I know that you know where this is going, because it's a lot easier to see it in other people than it is for us to see in ourselves at times.
• 6:52
  But I started to ask her some questions.
• 6:54
  So I asked her about her starting weight and her current weight.
• 6:58
  I just made it about the math.
• 7:00
  We looked at the math of how much she weighed when she started with me and how much she weighed now.
• 7:04
  I asked her the math about.
• 7:06
  Okay.
• 7:06
  And how many times did you go to the gym?
• 7:08
  Um, how many times did you stick to your plan?
• 7:10
  How many times did you waiver from the plan?
• 7:12
  What did you eat when you wavered from the plan?
• 7:14
  We just looked at the math and she was like, well, you know, I guess I'm only sticking to my plan about 80% of the time.
• 7:21
  The rest of the time, I'm not even sticking to my plan.
• 7:24
  And she was making this mean that she was inadequate, that she was incapable that she hadn't experienced any success.
• 7:31
  So I told her, I said, okay, so let me get this straight.
• 7:34
  You have been meal prepping and going to the gym about 80% of the time that you want to go.
• 7:41
  And even though it wasn't a hundred percent of the time, you're still down a total of 15.5 pounds.
• 7:47
  Right?
• 7:47
  Cause she'd lost 17.
• 7:49
  She gained back a pound and a half and I'm like, you have still lost 15 and a half pounds.
• 7:54
  And you are making it mean that you're a failure and that what you're doing, isn't working.
• 7:59
  And it took her a minute.
• 8:00
  She realized, yeah, I guess that I have been working hard.
• 8:03
  And I was like, yeah.
• 8:04
  And that you got those results when you were putting in 80% effort.
• 8:09
  It's amazing.
• 8:10
  There's so many people that would love to lose 15 pounds in two months.
• 8:14
  And you did it.
• 8:17
  So notice for yourself.
• 8:18
  If there are times when you are really beating yourself up, she was so focused on that one week where she'd really zoomed in and saw that, well, I can see the scales going in the opposite direction And she was making that one and a half pounds mean that she had failed and that she wasn't making progress.
• 8:36
  So really get curious for yourself.
• 8:37
  Okay.
• 8:38
  What is it that I'm doing?
• 8:39
  And maybe you want to make it a goal for yourself that you know what, I'm not going to beat myself up.
• 8:43
  Even if I'm doing B minus work.
• 8:45
  I'm still going to show up.
• 8:46
  Maybe I'm even doing C plus work.
• 8:48
  But guess what?
• 8:49
  C's get degrees.
• 8:50
  That's not only true for college.
• 8:52
  That's also true for you and your goals.
• 8:55
  If you are showing up for yourself for the majority of the time.
• 8:59
  You are going to experience results now kind of backtracking a little bit to something is better than nothing.
• 9:05
  Have some compassion for yourself when you are recognizing, okay.
• 9:07
  So today I'm not feeling a hundred percent or rather today, my hundred percent is at my usual 80%.
• 9:14
  What can I still do?
• 9:16
  How can I still be in alignment with my goals?
• 9:19
  And sometimes I'll even ask my clients, I'll say, okay, so I can see you're really beating yourself up about this because you are struggling with these other things and there's stuff coming up for you, which is fine.
• 9:28
  What is the bare minimum that you can do so that you have evidence for your brain, that you're doing it, and that you're being kind to yourself.
• 9:35
  Now for some of my clients, the bare minimum that they say they can do is okay.
• 9:39
  You know what?
• 9:39
  Some days are just so hard for me.
• 9:41
  Then my bare minimum is going to be the, I do my skincare.
• 9:45
  And I go on a walk, even if it's only for five minutes.
• 9:49
  Okay, then on those days, when that's your best is that you just do your skincare and go for a five minute walk.
• 9:56
  Celebrate it rather than beating yourself up about it, doing something is always better than doing nothing.
• 10:04
  And it's so interesting that when we beat ourselves up like that, like I said, with the donuts is not just that we aren't doing the things that we want to do, but we actually start to do the things that are detrimental and holding us back from achieving the goals that we want.
• 10:16
  I think, oh, well, that's just not going to work out now.
• 10:18
  I'm just going to do everything the opposite of what I actually want to do.
• 10:22
  Scrap that.
• 10:23
  Okay.
• 10:24
  Love yourself enough to just make a little bit of change.
• 10:27
  So maybe you don't have time to meal prep.
• 10:30
  But you decide.
• 10:31
  Okay.
• 10:31
  But I do have time to eat an apple.
• 10:34
  I'm going to be eating takeout, but I'm going to eat an apple that is already prepped and ready for me to go.
• 10:39
  Find some little thing that you can do for you and focus on that.
• 10:43
  It's really amazing how, when we focus on the fact that we are making progress, we experienced so much more growth and so much more progress.
• 10:51
  Once my client stopped beating herself up about the pound and a half in an opposite direction than she wanted it to go, that weight just came right off.
• 10:59
  She was able to love herself healthy rather than.
• 11:03
  Hating herself thin.
• 11:04
  It makes such a huge difference.
• 11:07
  So, if you recognize that you may be, you're having a hard time, not focusing on the negative and actually celebrating your growth, meeting yourself, where you're at, come and work with me.
• 11:16
  I would love to work with you.
• 11:18
  You are making progress and sometimes just having somebody outside of you to remind you of your growth is all that is needed.
• 11:24
  It's really interesting because with that client who was wanting to lose the 30 pounds, if she had gone out with a girlfriend, she was like, yeah, I'm really discouraged because I'm working out and I've been meal prepping, but I gained a pound and a half.
• 11:35
  It doesn't make any sense.
• 11:37
  Then the friend might be really confused and think, well, that's so strange and well, yeah, of course.
• 11:41
  That's super frustrating.
• 11:42
  But since I had been along the journey with her and I had seen all the things she was doing, I could say, okay, well, yeah, you could beat yourself up for gaining back a pound and a half, or you could celebrate losing 15 and a half pounds by showing up 80% of the time.
• 11:59
  Your 100% is going to look different every single day.
• 12:03
  Love yourself, where you're at and see what small things you can do to give your brain the evidence that you are in fact, Making progress.
• 12:12
  All right.
• 12:12
  That's all I have for today.
• 12:13
  I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 12:15
  Bye now.