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EP.108: Women as Breadwinners: The Financial & Emotional Pressure No One Talks About | The Ambitious Podcast · Ambitious Podcast

0:00
If I stop performing, this is all going to fall apart.
0:03
Female breadwinning households have become one of the fastest
0:06
growing family structures globally.
0:09
I always felt like I could never take my foot off the gas.
0:11
You start to question your femininity and you start to
0:15
wonder if you're too big or too much.
0:19
I think that often times as women, we're kind of softening
0:22
our goals and we're softening our ambition.
0:25
We chalk it up to be like, Oh, well, you know, it's just all in
0:28
today's work or this is just, you know, a the other day in my
0:30
life. Are you really giving yourself
0:32
the acknowledgement of truly how much you are managing, holding
0:36
capacity for achieving, navigating, processing in a
0:40
given day, week or month? The load is heavy because the
0:44
load is heavy, not because you're weak.
0:47
Hello and welcome back to Ambitious.
0:49
Today we are talking about something that actually came up
0:52
as a conversation a couple episodes ago with Jessica
0:55
DuPont. We were talking on that episode
0:58
specifically about Women's Health.
1:00
We were talking about stress amongst women.
1:03
We were talking about the reality of really truthfully
1:05
like what it feels like to be a woman in today's society.
1:09
And one of the things that kind of got brought up during that
1:13
conversation was the fact that things have changed massively in
1:17
the last few decades for women when it comes to health.
1:21
But we also kind of slightly unraveled the fact that that's
1:26
due to a lot of cultural and a lot of societal changes that are
1:29
happening in the workplace, that are happening in gender norms,
1:34
that are happening in our homes and our family dynamics, in
1:38
parenting dynamics and so much more.
1:39
And so that conversation put this little spark in me where I
1:43
was like, OK, I wonder if women being breadwinners is just
1:47
something that we're hearing a lot or we're seeing talked about
1:52
a lot in the online business space, because it is something
1:55
that I hear from a lot of peers. I have a lot of my clients who
1:58
are breadwinners of their houses.
2:00
But what I don't really feel like I hear people talk about a
2:03
lot is, is that like just in our world, something that we're
2:06
seeing? Is that something that on a
2:08
larger scale in just the generations to come and also
2:12
just as a cultural or societal shift is happening?
2:15
And so I'm going to be honest, I went down a little bit of a
2:17
rabbit hole because I started to wonder, what does the next
2:21
landscape actually look like for us as women?
2:23
What does that look like as to what our roles are going to be
2:27
or what pressures we have on us? And I started to really research
2:30
what is the actual data, what is the actual trends in the study
2:35
showing around women being breadwinners.
2:38
And I was completely shocked by the information that I found.
2:41
I was, it was much more prevalent and much more of a
2:44
trend that is happening in society than I ever thought.
2:47
And so it started to get me thinking because I think that
2:50
women becoming high income earners or breadwinners of their
2:56
family is something that has become a lot more common.
2:59
But I wouldn't necessarily say that we have the structures that
3:03
we we need or that we have the reality we need at home to make
3:06
it comfortable. Even though it's more common, it
3:08
doesn't necessarily mean that as that has risen, it's become more
3:11
comfortable for women to be able to achieve or to do.
3:15
And so I think as women, you know, we, we fought for so many
3:18
years for rights for ourselves. We used to be able to never get
3:22
a loan without a signature from our husband and like, you know,
3:25
not have full autonomy and control of our bodies.
3:28
Like there's so many movements that have been so profound and
3:32
so impactful. But sometimes I think we're so,
3:36
you know, if you are similar to myself, like a feminist and
3:41
you're somebody who really believes in women's rights and,
3:44
you know, women's opportunities, we often celebrate so much of
3:48
what it's done for women, which is true.
3:49
It's done so much, but I don't know necessarily that we often
3:53
have that conversation of what has it also shifted potentially
3:57
in a negative way for us. Because while there's a lot of
3:59
pride that comes with now for women being in the workforce and
4:03
therefore being a breadwinner of their family, there's a lot of
4:06
pride in that. There's a lot of emotional
4:09
connection to that, and there should be.
4:10
It's an incredible accomplishment, but I don't know
4:12
that we talk about the pressure that goes alongside that pride
4:16
just enough. And so I think now in this
4:20
current moment, what I'm recognizing with, you know, even
4:23
just experiences that I've had with the peers around me who are
4:25
breadwinners, with some of my, my, you know, business peers and
4:29
also friends who are breadwinners.
4:30
Now we're seeing that we're kind of in this landscape that nobody
4:34
prepared us for. Like, there is no manual, there
4:36
is no agenda on how to navigate this current season because we
4:42
don't have a road map. There's never been a road map of
4:45
a situation like this where women are expected to wear all
4:48
the hats. And so I wanted to like, really
4:59
dive into, OK, well, how normal is this, right?
5:01
Like as I said, this is something that I hear a lot in
5:04
conversations as an entrepreneur in Masterminds that I'm in at,
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you know, women's entrepreneur dinners that I go to.
5:11
It is a topic of conversation that many women at that table
5:13
are breadwinners for their family.
5:15
But I asked myself, how common is this actually?
5:17
And I was shocked. I'm going to break this down
5:19
into two buckets. First looking at Canada separate
5:22
from the US, and then we're just going to look at it overall.
5:25
So Canada, one in three Canadian couples now have women earning
5:30
the majority of the household income, one in three.
5:34
That's significant. The percentage of female
5:36
breadwinners in Canada jumped from 26% to 33% in just two
5:41
decades. Women as a sole breadwinners in
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Canada has now rose from 8% to nearly 11% since the year 2000.
5:51
So this is all just in the last 20 years right now in the US, It
5:55
says in the US, the share of marriages where the wife is the
5:58
primary earner has tripled, has tripled since the 1970s.
6:05
Where the wife is the primary earner, it has tripled since the
6:08
1970s. Sixteen percent of US marriages
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now have the wife as the sole or primary breadwinner of the home.
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45% of American mothers are considered breadwinners for
6:22
their family. Female breadwinning households
6:26
have become one of the fastest growing family structures
6:30
globally. This one I found really
6:32
interesting. In couples without children at
6:34
home, women are even more likely to be the primary earner of that
6:40
household. So when women don't have
6:42
children in the picture, they are also more likely and it is
6:46
more common that they are the breadwinner.
6:48
And that makes sense because you think about as a woman having
6:52
kids, there is such a deep level of responsibility with that.
6:56
There's you really are like physically many times, not
7:00
always, but many times you are attached for the first couple
7:04
years depending on how many kids you're having back-to-back all
7:07
of it. But even with having one child,
7:09
there's such an emotional, mental and physical
7:12
responsibility that is connected to that and a pressure that is
7:17
put on you in being a mom. So it would make sense that, you
7:20
know, sometimes, you know, just with circumstances and the
7:24
reality of the situation, women are being put in a situation
7:27
where they kind of have to choose whether to have a family
7:31
or have kids. That's at least what I read from
7:33
that data, which is to say that in an event that women don't
7:36
have to choose between career and family, they oftentimes are
7:40
still being the breadwinner of their couple within a household,
7:43
even without children. So I really wanted to think
7:47
about, OK, well, what is this doing to us as women, right?
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Like when you think about being the breadwinner and even for
7:51
myself in in relationships, I have been the breadwinner in the
7:55
past or the sole income provider and even sometimes at moments
7:59
where my partner was not employed and I was kind of
8:03
holding on the Fort, if you will.
8:05
Now, granted, as I share this, I don't have children.
8:08
So I also want to recognize and give full credit where it is due
8:12
that that even as a single, you know, woman in a relationship,
8:16
meaning like just me in a relationship with somebody felt
8:19
like a lot of pressure. And when I started to really sit
8:23
and even prep thinking about today and what I want to talk
8:25
about, I sat there and thought about the fact that I could have
8:28
one child or two or four that I'm responsible for.
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And even if you're in a relationship or not, being the
8:35
sole breadwinner is a lot of pressure.
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And so I thought, what role is this taking on us as women?
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What impact is this having on us mentally and emotionally that we
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are having to carry? And I want to talk about it
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because I don't necessarily know that enough of us acknowledge
8:50
the true depth or intensity of what it is that you truly carry
8:55
every single day, what it is you're really managing and what
8:59
you're really holding space for when you wake up on a Tuesday
9:01
morning and dive into your business.
9:04
And so I want to kind of dive into, OK, well, what is the
9:07
biggest tax it takes on US? One of the things that came up
9:10
was really reflecting on the fact that there's also this like
9:12
identity shift because as women, we feel so proud oftentimes for
9:19
having the ability to have earning potential, have the
9:22
ability to be a breadwinner. But I think that there's also
9:26
kind of a guilt that is associated with that because,
9:29
you know, truthfully, gender norms have not caught up.
9:32
That's not something that I would say is considered a
9:34
standard or a common practice in society.
9:37
And so because of that, when we think about the traditional, and
9:40
when I say traditional, I don't mean that this is correct.
9:42
I'm just saying that this is this is what we've been commonly
9:44
taught as programming growing up in society, which is like the
9:48
traditional vision that we were handed is that we were told that
9:53
the man is to be the breadwinner and like kind of like the head
9:55
of the house, if you will, at that time.
9:57
And that women were to be like the homemaker and to be taking
10:00
care of taking care of kids and raising a family and things like
10:02
that. Obviously, that is no longer the
10:06
case for many women as we see with this data.
10:09
But what I feel like I experienced and also came up as
10:13
one of the biggest signifying factors of impact is you start
10:18
to question your femininity and you start to wonder if you're,
10:23
you know, too big or too much. And, and I even found this like
10:27
I found sometimes I struggle to be in my femininity or I
10:32
struggle to be my feminine energy.
10:33
I would put it because I did feel like I was needing to like
10:38
handle things, make decisions, make plans, just really hold
10:42
structure, which in its essence is a masculine energy.
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So it's not to say that I like, we're not saying masculine
10:48
feminine as in like men and women.
10:50
I'm more saying that I was very deep in my masculine energy.
10:54
And truthfully, I realized that it wasn't really by choice.
10:59
It was actually by default because when you are the
11:02
breadwinner, you have a certain level of responsibility, a
11:05
certain level of things that you need to manage and hold space
11:08
for. And so without a partner that
11:11
recognizes that role or recognizes that responsibility,
11:16
you kind of naturally unconsciously fall into wearing
11:21
the pants of the house, if you will, which is like you're all
11:24
in your masculine energy. And because of that, I felt like
11:26
I really struggled literally until just probably, I would say
11:30
like the last two years would be the first time that I've
11:32
actually tapped into my feminine energy.
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And I think that was because I recognize the patterns of how me
11:40
being a sole income of that house or being the breadwinner
11:42
of that house was actually affecting me.
11:45
And I also think that as women, we're struggling with this
11:48
internal conflict because, and even myself, I still very much
11:52
to this day, I'm struggling with this.
11:53
There's no plan, there's no blueprint, there's no agenda on
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how to hold the vision of what you see for your income or what
12:02
you see for your business or what you see for your career.
12:04
And how do we balance that amongst the other things that
12:07
are our goals, which are to potentially be a mom or to, you
12:11
know, be the person who you know, really nurtures your
12:15
household. And I think the other pressure
12:18
that I know is there, which I have felt so, so, so often,
12:23
whether you know, on my own or in a relationship, is if I stop
12:27
performing, like if I go down at all, this is all going to fall
12:32
apart. Like the whole life that we have
12:35
built off of me being the breadwinner, it I always felt
12:39
like I could never take my foot off the gas.
12:40
Like there's no way that I can take a break.
12:43
I can't take too much of A time off.
12:45
I can't be sick, I can't be anxious, I can't be stressed.
12:48
I can't eat a holiday because I'm like the water flowing
12:51
through the pipeline. So this pipeline will dry up if
12:54
I don't perform and if I don't show up in the way that I need
12:58
to. And I also think that with this,
13:02
there's this aspect as well of kind of shrinking our successes.
13:07
And I think that this is a little bit more talked about
13:09
than the breadwinning aspect, but I think many women also feel
13:14
that they kind of downplay their accomplishments.
13:17
And it's not necessarily something that we do
13:19
consciously. It's not like you're trying to
13:21
be like, oh, no, no, I don't want to talk about what I've
13:22
achieved. I just think it's something that
13:25
over time, we've started to really minimize truly what we're
13:28
handling. And I think, you know, to be
13:31
honest, This is why I'm so blown away with moms that are business
13:37
owners because they literally have a full time job in their
13:41
business and then have a second full time job with their
13:45
children and their home and, you know, their marriage and
13:48
everything that they navigate. And so I think that many of us,
13:52
we chalk it up to be like, oh, well, you know, it's just all in
13:55
a day's work or it's all this is just, you know, another day in
13:57
my life. And it may be that may be true,
14:01
but I also think like, have you actually, if you sat with
14:03
yourself, really acknowledged the true capacity that you are
14:09
holding right now, the true pressure that you, you know,
14:13
problem solve through and that you persist through on a daily
14:16
basis. Are you really giving yourself
14:18
the acknowledgement of truly how much you are managing, holding
14:23
capacity for achieving, navigating processing in a given
14:28
day, week or month? And I think as women, we chalk
14:32
it up to being like this is just the day in the life of reality
14:34
of me. And it may be, but I think lack
14:37
of acknowledging what we're holding is also what has us
14:41
feeling like when we can't do more that there's got to be
14:44
something wrong with us, right? Or there there's something that
14:46
I'm not seeing. And the minimizing can happen in
14:49
a variety of things. It can minimize and what you're
14:51
achieving. It can minimize even an income.
14:54
I know a lot of women who don't want to talk about, you know,
14:57
what they've achieved or how much they've made or even their
15:00
financial success. And you know, I don't believe
15:02
that you have to share all of your money things with people
15:05
around you. Like I'm fairly private about my
15:07
finances, both business and personal, But I think that one
15:12
thing I'm not scared of is to, to speak to what I've built
15:17
because I often times think about the fact that if I was a
15:20
man and I said, hey, like I built A7 figure business,
15:25
everyone would applaud me. So if I'm a woman and I feel
15:28
weird about saying that or I feel weird about telling people
15:31
that or I'm not really, you know, somebody who can openly
15:35
talk about this and feel confident about it.
15:37
I often ask myself why that is. Because if you put the shoe on
15:40
the other foot, we would 1000%, if we were men, be talking about
15:45
the success and the things that we're achieving and it would be
15:47
celebrated. So I think that oftentimes as
15:52
women, we're kind of softening our goals and we're softening
15:56
our ambition because of wanting it to frankly not be something
16:02
that is perceived or experienced as a threat to somebody else.
16:06
And I think that there's this goes down its own rabbit hole,
16:09
to be honest. But I think that there's also
16:12
sometimes when you're around certain people who don't believe
16:15
that you can do it. All right.
16:16
Like I had a conversation with someone and I was talking to
16:19
them about, you know, my desires or like my vision of, of being a
16:22
mom and having a family. And they said, well, you know,
16:25
you're going to have to give up something.
16:26
You can't do it all. And I remember thinking, what do
16:30
you mean? Because I thought, yes,
16:32
obviously, of course my business is going to look different than,
16:36
you know, right now when I don't have children.
16:39
My business is going to look very different when I do have
16:41
kids because I'm going to be very strapped for time and I
16:43
have to be much more intentional.
16:44
Like all of that makes 100% sense to me.
16:47
But I said, yes, I won't be able to have it all in the sense that
16:50
I won't be able to be 100 in every bucket in a sense of 100%.
16:54
But I do recognize that I still can go for goals.
16:59
It's not like you have to choose to be a mom or choose to have a
17:02
career. And I think in that moment, I
17:04
realized that there is this pressure to choose.
17:08
And I want to say that if you are someone who feels like I
17:11
have a good friend of mine as well, who she did give up her
17:14
career to be a mom, but she did that because she's like, it felt
17:17
like the choice for me. It's not because I couldn't have
17:21
both. She's like, I didn't realize
17:23
until I had kids. But I don't want to work.
17:25
Like, I want to be here with them and I want to be raising
17:29
them. And I want to be here when they
17:30
get home from school. And I want to be, you know,
17:33
seeing them off in the morning. Like I want to be immersed in
17:36
their everyday life. And so for her, when she became
17:39
a stay at home mom, it wasn't about the fact that she was
17:42
like, well, I have to choose either raising my kids or going
17:45
to work. She realized that like she's
17:47
like, I just get more fulfillment from this.
17:49
And she until that point had been the breadwinner of her
17:51
family. So this was a huge decision for
17:53
them and their family because it put almost instantaneously all
17:56
this pressure that she had originally been holding onto her
17:59
husband now to be the breadwinner.
18:00
So I think that there there is this aspect of like we don't
18:04
want to as women, minimize our potential, minimize our goals or
18:11
even minimize our current achievements because we believe
18:16
that being proud of those and speaking to those and talking
18:20
about those means something about us as women that I think
18:24
we should be proud of those, if not with just general society,
18:27
at a minimum with each other. You'd be shocked how many
18:31
communities or even calls that I host where women are minimizing.
18:35
Oh yeah. You know, I just, I did, you
18:37
know, cost $1,000,000 on that. But yeah, I mean, it's, you
18:41
know, we still got ways to go. So it's just working at it.
18:43
And I'm like, what? You have 4 kids and you just
18:47
made $1,000,000 in the last like 10 months.
18:50
What like, I think it's, it's just such we have a culture of
18:54
minimizing our achievements. And I think that we need to take
18:58
back the power, take back the ownership to really acknowledge
19:02
how much we are truly managing, truly holding capacity for and
19:06
in that space, what you were achieving while doing so.
19:09
And this goes to the other emotional impact, right, which
19:11
is the emotional labor of the fact that we are truly holding
19:15
it all. Like, you may be the person
19:18
right now who's the one who's anticipating things in your
19:20
home. You're planning for things in
19:21
your home. You're thinking of new plans and
19:24
new visions for things in your home.
19:26
And you're, you know, potentially the one who's making
19:28
lunches. And you're up in the middle of
19:30
the night when your kids are sick and you're getting them off
19:33
to school. And then you're hopping on calls
19:35
and you're doing the emails and you're the provider and you're
19:37
paying bills and you're doing taxes and you're doing all of
19:39
the things like you were literally wearing 72 hats in a
19:45
day with or without kids. You are wearing a lot of hats in
19:49
a day. If you were the provider,
19:50
alongside being the person who handles all of these other
19:54
things. This also doesn't have to be
19:55
just with kids. This is also be, you know, for
19:58
some of you, depending on your age, your parents are getting
20:00
older. Like my mom just turned 70,
20:03
which is crazy. Just turned 70.
20:06
And you know, we're going to in the next, you know, probably 2
20:10
decades, like next decade or two.
20:12
You know, fingers crossed she lives like 150, but in the next
20:16
decade or two, we're going to be in a place where she's going to
20:18
probably need somebody to be around to care for her.
20:22
So this isn't even necessarily just for you who have children.
20:25
I also have. And I'm just so insanely proud
20:28
of her. And you know who you are when
20:30
you're listening. She is taking care of both of
20:33
her parents while running a business, while having two kids,
20:37
while being married, while managing her home, while
20:41
operating the business. And her mom is very sick at this
20:46
moment and her dad is still recovering from his sickness
20:50
because both of her parents are older.
20:53
And so she is coming and going, taking her parents to doctor's
20:56
appointments. She is coming and going,
20:58
coordinating for her kids and what they need to be poured
21:00
into. She is coming and going to make
21:02
sure that, you know, she's also keeping an eye and focusing on
21:04
her marriage while also keeping an eye and focusing on making
21:07
sure that like she, I don't know, gets some steps in today
21:10
for just like herself and her mental health.
21:12
And all the while, which is why I'm so insanely proud of her, is
21:16
still working on her business, still pouring into growing her
21:20
business and, you know, marketing herself and selling
21:23
and like doing things that are growing her company.
21:27
It would be so easy for anybody to literally be like, OK, I have
21:31
a basically full time job being a mom.
21:34
And then I also have this part time job caring for my parents,
21:36
but I have another full time job working and being, you know, a
21:39
provider for my family. Like think of the amount of
21:44
capacity that you are holding in just living this week.
21:50
And I think it's just, it's so much pressure and I think it's
21:53
carrying the stress of yourself, but it's also carrying each day
21:58
the stress of your partner and what they're navigating, your
22:00
kids and what they're experiencing potentially your
22:03
family, your team. This doesn't even go to the fact
22:06
that, yes, you could be holding on to something that your
22:09
parents are navigating. You could be holding on to
22:11
something your kids are navigating, but now you also
22:13
have your team, you have other people that you're also keeping
22:17
in mind and holding capacity for.
22:19
And so many of us, as women say to ourselves in those moments
22:24
where we're just like, oh, we're going to fall apart.
22:26
And you may have had this where you're like, I am at my wit's
22:29
end. I cannot do this.
22:32
Like I am just, I'm tapped. I'm, I'm tapped right now.
22:36
If you feel that way, it also can be just this conversation
22:41
that comes up, which I've heard many times of like Kate, like I
22:46
don't have the ability to fall apart.
22:48
I am the backbone. Like everything relies on me.
22:53
Like if I am not OK, the whole thing will not run.
22:57
And even just think about that, that line or think about that
23:01
perspective of like, if I don't get out of bed today, if I don't
23:06
show up today, if I don't operate at my peak, peak fashion
23:09
the way that I need to, then that means that nothing is going
23:12
to happen because everything is entirely reliant on me.
23:16
Think of the internal unconscious pressure that you
23:21
must be navigating existing today or this week.
23:26
And so with this, we recognize that like we don't have a
23:30
handbook on this. Very rarely do any of us have a
23:33
role model that we can look to that we feel is the vision of
23:39
what we want for our life. And I think that it's there's
23:43
obviously some women who are are really handling things like
23:46
they've got the family, they've got the business, they've got
23:49
the great marriage. But I do think that we don't
23:52
have a lot of role models as to how do we do this in a way that
23:56
still we enjoy our life, we're feeling fulfilled, We feel like
24:01
we're doing what we need to do as a mom, potentially as a
24:03
partner, as a business owner. Like how do we hit all these
24:05
buckets? There's no rule book or handbook
24:08
on how to do this. And even for myself, I remember
24:12
watching my mom, my mom was a single mom of four and we're all
24:16
basically like 2 years apart. So you can tell it was just a
24:18
complete chaos all the time. And I remember seeing my mom
24:25
navigating a lot because she obviously had, you know, when
24:29
they say it's like it takes a village, my mom had a village,
24:32
like, she had a village of like my aunts and uncles and my
24:35
neighbors and babysitters and like just everyone all hands on
24:39
deck to take care of these, these kids.
24:42
And I remember seeing her, you know, do a lot.
24:46
She, I don't even know how she did.
24:47
I'm going to be honest, I have no idea.
24:50
She must have run off adrenaline for like 15 years because she
24:54
handled so much and she navigated so much.
24:57
But I also saw a lot of sacrifice from her, which was
25:00
truthfully herself. It wasn't anything around her.
25:04
She always made sure that we were good.
25:06
She always, you know, tried to do as much as you possibly could
25:08
to provide for us. She would always have us friend
25:12
and center, top of mind. But the reality was that she
25:15
really did come last in the list at that time as a result.
25:21
And so over time, it kind of felt like she had to put her
25:25
life on pause because there was no time at the end of the day or
25:29
at the end of the week or at the end of the month for her to
25:32
exist or for her to be a priority.
25:35
And so instead, she did. She put herself last, she came
25:39
last. And only now, I would say in the
25:42
last couple years has she really started to look at what it means
25:46
to live for herself. But might I remind you, she's,
25:50
you know, in the last couple years been leading up to 70.
25:53
And so I think it goes to show that like women, we are holding
25:56
so much capacity. And again, it doesn't matter
25:59
whether you have kids or not, married or not, The reality is
26:01
when you are a sole provider or you are the breadwinner of your
26:05
family, there's such an innate pressure that comes with that.
26:09
And I think especially for some of us, when we talk about
26:12
building businesses or when we are looking to build these
26:15
companies and we're looking to, you know, really just like
26:17
change the trajectory of your family, that's so aspirational.
26:21
It's so inspiring, It's so incredible.
26:24
But I think many of us don't recognize that when you are the
26:27
first to break the pattern, when you are the first in a
26:30
generation or you're the 1st in your family to break the mold of
26:35
what has been considered normal, when you're the first person to
26:39
do that, you are empowered. But it's also so isolating.
26:45
Like it's so isolating because you don't have this shared
26:50
experience that you might have with your mom or with your
26:54
grandmother or something like that because their roles in
26:57
their lives and also within their businesses may have very
27:00
well been different than yours. So while it is very empowering
27:05
to be like, I am changing, you know, the history of my family
27:08
and I'm going to change the reality of where we end up.
27:11
And what our life looks like and the opportunities that we have
27:14
and you know, the, the lifestyle that we're able to achieve.
27:17
And that's incredible. There's also an isolation that
27:21
goes with that, which is that I don't know what the heck I'm
27:23
doing and I don't know how to navigate this.
27:26
And I don't know what's right and I don't know what's wrong.
27:28
And you just kind of end up going, Oh my gosh, how do I make
27:30
sure that I don't make the wrong move here?
27:33
And in this, I think that it can feel a lot less isolating to be
27:39
the breadwinner and a lot less isolating to be that person if
27:43
you have a really good partner. And I think that that is a
27:46
crucial, crucial, crucial element because when I started
27:51
to think about, you know, what would cause somebody to, you
27:53
know, lose their their femininity or what would cause
27:57
somebody to drowned in this responsibility or in these
28:02
expectations. And truthfully, it's, it's a
28:05
partner having a partner that can really, you know, when you
28:08
think about being in your masculine, how can he or she as
28:11
a partner really help you to balance in the masculine or
28:15
femininity for yourself? And it's hard because I will
28:19
tell you just from my experience sometimes in my case, I'm going
28:25
to speak to this in my language, but this is not to assume that
28:27
you're in a heterosexual relationship.
28:30
For me, I acknowledge that there was men that I was with that did
28:37
not feel empowered because I was the breadwinner.
28:42
So I think that there, I don't want to say all men because
28:44
that's a generalization, but there are a good amount of men
28:48
who have felt that they are emasculated or they feel, you
28:53
know, some have said to me insecure or have felt threatened
28:57
or have felt, you know, unsure basically of their role in a
29:01
relationship dynamic if they can't be the provider.
29:04
And so it was interesting. I went to a dinner with a bunch
29:06
of men and a woman, but mainly it was men at A, at an event.
29:11
And I was asking about, you know, male roles.
29:13
And we were kind of talking about masculine energy, feminine
29:15
energy. By the way, these are literally
29:17
the conversations we have at events and retreats and dinners
29:21
and all of that because we just like to go right into the deep
29:23
end. And so we were talking about
29:26
gender roles and I was talking about, you know, well, what do
29:29
you as men see as your role? And the 2 words that came up
29:32
across all of them was protect and provide, protect and
29:35
provide, protect and provide. And so when you think about
29:38
even, let's just leave, take for a second the thought that a man
29:41
could be emasculated or a man could feel insecure, unsure of
29:46
his role in the relationship if he's not the provider.
29:49
Well, if men see their core, you know, value in a dynamic, in a
29:55
relationship to be, to provide and to protect.
29:58
And you now can provide for yourself, sometimes much more so
30:03
than he can provide for you. What it does is it says, OK,
30:07
well, I'm going to take that role from you and I'm the
30:09
provider now, right? So I think what's happened in my
30:13
assessment of this is this is also naturally bringing forward
30:18
us needing to have conversations with our partners, with our our
30:24
person that we're in a relationship with that if you
30:26
are the breadwinner, you guys should be having conversations.
30:29
And even, you know, in this moment, George and I are having
30:32
these conversations, which is, you know, both of us own
30:35
businesses and we're very competitive.
30:37
So I would say right now, you know, we're neck and neck in our
30:40
businesses, but we do talk about like what brings the other
30:45
person value in the relationship and what really are our roles?
30:51
Like what does this person want to be their value add?
30:53
What does that person want to have as their value add?
30:55
Where do you see your level of responsibility coming in within
31:00
the relationship? But what happens is if we don't
31:04
have those conversations, before we know it, we end up in this
31:09
place of, you know, feeling like you're, you're isolated in the
31:14
experience that you're having. So like you're, you're kind of
31:17
overcompensating. And you also feel like you're
31:22
responsible for managing the emotional rollercoaster of your
31:26
success. Because that happened for me.
31:28
I remember having moments where I was in this relationship, the
31:31
breadwinner, and I was super stressed out with work and I was
31:36
feeling like I was really burnt out.
31:37
I was bringing the candle at both ends.
31:38
And I remember just, you know, venting or processing, external
31:44
processing about how much I was holding capacity for.
31:47
And I did full transparency, even entertain like with this
31:53
person, you know, I had, I had talked about having a family and
31:56
we had talked about, you know, having kids together.
31:59
And so when we started to talk about that, I literally for a
32:02
moment started to entertain. OK, well, what would it look
32:04
like if I was the breadwinner and he was like a stay at home
32:06
dad, meaning that like I am the one who's out, you know, making
32:10
money and he's the one who's home with kids.
32:12
But instantly I still went back to that other point that I
32:15
mentioned, which is it's all on me.
32:16
Like that means then the physical aspect of kids is on
32:19
me. The financial burden is on me.
32:21
Like there's a lot on my shoulders then.
32:24
And so I thought, how am I going to navigate all of that?
32:27
I'm sure there's a way, but I asked myself, like, is it truly
32:30
what I want? And so it really caused these
32:32
conversations to come up of what in a relationship do you see as
32:38
the roles of how you want things to be to progress or to be
32:43
within your home? And one of mine, one of my core
32:47
things that is really important to me is I value in a
32:50
relationship, not always having to be on like one of the things
32:54
that I value so much in a relationship is the ability for
32:58
somebody else to be able to hold space for me or to allow me to
33:03
take a breath if I need it. And they can, I have full
33:06
confidence that they can hold down the Fort.
33:08
That for me is like such a crucial, crucial, you know,
33:12
skill traits, you know, whatever it might be.
33:15
And I think that that's because for me, I've known the feeling
33:18
of feeling like I can't take a day off.
33:20
I know the feeling of like, Oh my gosh, if I don't perform,
33:23
this is all going to crash. I know that feeling so well.
33:27
And so I always knew that I didn't want to be in a situation
33:31
or in a relationship where I felt like I couldn't take my
33:34
foot off the gas because if I did, our life would unravel.
33:37
And with that pressure of always being on, it also led me to
33:41
worry about if something happened, I, I would always
33:44
worry about, you know, what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow?
33:47
Or what if, you know, knock on wood, hopefully not.
33:49
But what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow?
33:51
Or what if, you know, things don't go the way that I would
33:56
want them to go? How am I going to navigate if
33:59
something happens to me if I am again, like the sole battery for
34:02
this family? And so I think, you know, even
34:05
just in talking through those, we now recognize like just how
34:08
much we're holding. We're holding the capacity of
34:11
the house, we're holding the financial pressure, we're
34:13
holding, you know, trying to redefine in a messy way with
34:16
these gender roles are within a home.
34:18
We're trying to balance our relationship with it.
34:20
We're trying to not feel like it's always on us, not feeling
34:23
like if I slip on a banana peel, I'm this whole thing is going to
34:26
go under. And all these thoughts are
34:29
something that are happening sometimes in a 24 hour period,
34:32
sometimes in a seven day period. Like this is not this ongoing
34:36
decade after decade pressure. This is something women, we are
34:39
literally waking up and we're feeling and thinking this way
34:41
and we're going to yoga and just going and handling the day.
34:46
And I think what I know about women like you is that you're so
34:50
strong, you're so capable, you have so much capacity.
34:54
So because of that, you trust yourself to I got this, I'm
34:58
gonna handle it. And I think it's incredible that
35:01
you do have it and that you are handling it.
35:03
But I also wonder, as women, are we not acknowledging what that
35:09
really is on us? Are we minimizing because we can
35:12
handle it? Because, you know, I got it,
35:15
I'll manage it, I'll make it happen.
35:17
And you can, and you've got evidence.
35:19
You can. Have we created a culture?
35:22
Have we created a norm where we are in a constant state of
35:26
stress? We are in a constant state of
35:28
pressure and I think being a breadwinner is a beautiful thing
35:34
to be. I think it's incredible.
35:36
But I do think knowing that this is a trend and knowing that this
35:39
is going to be evolving, it is something that requires us as
35:43
women in that expansion and in that evolution going that way to
35:49
also ensure that we are being critical thinkers in the way
35:53
that we allow that to evolve. That we are having the necessary
35:55
conversations that need to happen to support that
36:00
expansion, to support that evolution.
36:03
Women being breadwinners is amazing, but we also have to ask
36:06
ourselves, do we feel like we are adjusting enough of the
36:09
system around us to support us? OK, So I want to outline like if
36:13
we are going to be breadwinners and if we're taking this on is
36:16
OK, This is something that I do see for myself and that I would
36:18
want. What is our role in this?
36:21
What is our opportunity for how we can be part of a change that
36:26
helps us ultimately at the end of the day, I think one of the
36:29
first things that I recognize is we need a new definition of
36:33
partnership because I think that partnership and gender roles and
36:38
even partnership roles within a house are going to, if a woman
36:43
is the breadwinner, they're going to need to evolve.
36:45
And I think that is right now, even with the term breadwinner,
36:50
right? We see so much emphasis on the
36:52
financial. And I even said this to George
36:54
that like for me, I'm not super, super worried about who makes
36:58
more like it. It doesn't really bother me at
36:59
all. But actually what I do find is
37:03
like the, the highest level of currency for me, in my opinion,
37:08
is emotional support, meaning like the ability for someone to
37:13
carry emotional load, mental load home labor, like carrying
37:18
the weight of other things that are not just financial.
37:22
And I think that often times we get into like, OK, like who's
37:25
the financial, you know, manager of things.
37:28
But I think there also can be this cue for conversation.
37:30
Who and how are we going to manage the emotional load of
37:34
what we're navigating? Who is or how are we going to
37:38
navigate the mental load, the anxiety load, the planning load,
37:42
the the vision load for us and for our family outside of
37:47
financial? And I think that's so much of
37:49
our gender roles have been basically summarized down to the
37:54
fact that it's all about, you know, who brings in the box, if
37:57
you will. And I think that's a very
37:58
simplified model given all the things that us as women and just
38:01
as couples are navigating. So I don't think that being the
38:05
breadwinner should mean that you also are simultaneously the
38:09
backbone of everything. Because I made a note for myself
38:13
when even I think about the conversations I've had, you can
38:16
Co create roles that honor both of your energy, both of your
38:21
bandwidth and both of your gifts.
38:24
Not doing the roles based off of potentially outdated
38:28
expectations. And you know, actually my cousin
38:32
had shared something from his marriage and he said, you know,
38:34
there's no male tasks and female tasks.
38:37
There's no husband task or wife task.
38:39
It's not like you do the lawn, I do the garbage.
38:42
These are like men do this, women do this, he said.
38:45
We just have tasks, which are these are just the things that
38:48
in our house have to get done. How do we want to divide and
38:52
conquer? And when he shared this, it was
38:55
because otherwise we don't, if we don't predetermine that
39:00
that's how we navigate our house, we sometimes just fall
39:04
into the automatic roles that we've either seen from our
39:07
parents, our grandparents, or that have just been embodied in
39:11
front of us in culture and society.
39:14
And so there's this invitation for us to really define within
39:17
our homes what is true partnership to us.
39:20
Like, what does it mean to be in a relationship with you?
39:23
What does it mean for you to be married?
39:25
What do you see as your roles within your house?
39:29
And how do we want to navigate carrying the weight of
39:34
everything in front of us? And so I know I had even said to
39:37
George in a conversation recently, we have this kind of
39:40
motto, which is called 1090 and 1090 basically is a motto for us
39:45
because there's going to be days that he has 90% to give and I
39:50
have 10% to give. And his job as a partner is to
39:54
be the 90 when I can only be 10 on vice versa, when he is on
39:58
days where he only has 10%, it's my job to be the 90, which is to
40:04
say I'm going to fill in basically whatever you don't
40:06
have. And so it's not this, you take
40:09
this, I take that. But it's not this that's your
40:11
job, this is my job. It's to say, how do we want to
40:14
kind of work in our ecosystem of our home And you know, what are
40:21
maybe things that do provide a structure and what are things
40:24
that we need flexibility in to ensure that we are provided in
40:26
many ways, not just financial. I also think that there needs to
40:30
be, there needs to be an understanding that in being a
40:36
breadwinner, as a woman, you cannot also be the only problem
40:40
solver of your home. And this is like a generalized
40:45
statement. So I want to be very clear this,
40:47
and this is not necessarily to say this is the way in every
40:49
home, but I have seen women who are literally doing everything
40:55
and they are also doing everything at home.
40:58
So like they are literally, you know, working from home on an
41:01
online business. They close the laptop and from
41:04
that moment onward, it's like they're on, they're on, they're
41:06
on. And I think again, this kind of
41:09
goes back to redefining partnership and also redefining
41:11
rules, which is to say that like being the woman is as a
41:16
breadwinner, this is something where the systems in your in
41:21
your house or the shared responsibilities in your house
41:24
need to, if you are the breadwinner, be intentionally
41:27
designed and never assumed. OK, So like one of the things
41:32
that I was very clear about at the beginning was like, I also
41:35
want to be very clear. I hate cooking.
41:36
Like I, I love to bake. We can't live off of cake and
41:39
muffins. I wish we could, but basically I
41:42
love to bake, but I hate cooking.
41:44
So for me, I also had said, listen, you like if I was going
41:47
to be a breadwinner, I don't want to come home and have to
41:50
worry about dinner, for example, because that means that I am on
41:55
for dinner, I'm on for kids, I'm on for work, I'm on for
41:58
etcetera. Like I was like, hey, if you're
42:01
going to be, you know, for example, a stay at home dad,
42:04
then this would be if I'm going to work late to make X amount
42:08
and you won't be working. These would be my expectations
42:10
if you were home. So like this is kind of a
42:13
conversation that we had to have because otherwise it was going
42:17
to be kind of assumed that, you know, when I get home from work
42:22
sort of thing, that OK, well, I'm on for everything.
42:25
And then they sit down. It's like, no, we're doing this
42:27
together. Regardless of whether you've
42:29
been working with the kids all day, which is its own full time
42:32
job. And I've been working on the
42:34
online business. When we're both done our shifts,
42:36
you and the kids meet with work. We're now both 5050 at night to
42:39
be OK. How do we divide and conquer?
42:41
So I wanted to be clear, I guess in it that we don't want to have
42:47
assumed roles. We don't want to just assume
42:49
that because women have always done this thing, whether it is,
42:52
you know, raising kids or if it's making dinner or if it's
42:55
laundry or whatever it may be that there's just like a
42:58
assumption that this is what your task will be even in the
43:01
event that you are a breadwinner.
43:03
And I think that we need as women systems around us that
43:08
allow us to be supported in being a breadwinner.
43:11
Like if you want to be the sole income of your family, you have
43:14
to ensure that within your house or within just the systems or
43:17
supports around you that you have what you need to do that.
43:21
Because what I find is that women will be like the full all
43:25
in full time. And then they add this full time
43:27
job, sometimes more than full time job with their online
43:30
business. And they're like, I don't know
43:32
why. I'm just feeling like stretched
43:33
to both ends. And that's why is because you
43:36
really don't have the systems around you that you need to
43:39
support you in going for that big vision or that big business.
43:43
And I also think that we need to, as women, release the guilt,
43:48
release the guilt. Like I even just like seeing my
43:52
grandma and how she was within her dynamic with her husband, my
43:55
grandpa, and just the roles that I saw growing up.
43:59
I again, didn't have a lot of role models in this bucket per
44:02
SE. And I, I do think I have a
44:05
little bit of like when I get married, will I be a Good Wife
44:09
if I'm like work, work, work, work, work all the time.
44:12
And if I want to have this career and I don't want to give
44:15
up my career, like what does that say about me or mean about
44:18
me as a mom? And I, I don't even have kids
44:20
yet. And I already feel guilt around
44:22
that because I see how even some of my peers who have kids who
44:28
are really pushing in their business for new and bigger
44:30
things, people are like, why not just be happy with X amount?
44:33
Like you don't need to go for that big new milestone.
44:35
Like you're a mom now. You can settle down, stay home.
44:39
And it was kind of like people inviting this person that I'm
44:41
thinking of to go back into like, this is who you're
44:44
supposed to be. This is your role.
44:46
This is your role, this is your role.
44:48
And I remember her kind of fighting back against that.
44:51
And I said, well, do you want that to be your role if
44:53
something wrong with being a stay at home mom?
44:55
Like if that's what your vision is, go live your dream.
44:57
Like that's fine. And I think it's a beautiful
45:00
vision. But she was like, no, Kate, like
45:02
I want to be like a badass business owner, like that's
45:06
that's something that I value not no matter how many kids I
45:08
had was not something that ever changed my vision.
45:11
So for her, even I know she has dealt with guilts of how do I go
45:15
for these big things when everyone else believes that this
45:17
is not what my priority should be or this is not what you know,
45:20
I should be doing because I should just want to be present
45:23
or be home. And I think that we need to kind
45:28
of redefine as women what it really means for us to be
45:34
ambitious. Like, what does it really mean
45:36
for us to have ambition? What does it mean for us to have
45:38
goals? And what do we take that to mean
45:40
about us when we do? And, you know, one of the things
45:44
that I want to go back to, which I think is, at least for me, the
45:48
center of it, is that this is also not just about us as women.
45:50
I want to be very clear when you're in a relationship, so you
45:55
know, if it is again, like a male partner or female partner,
45:57
it doesn't matter when you're in a relationship.
46:00
I think that we have to recognize that while women have
46:04
evolved and like women's rights have evolved and women being in
46:07
the workplace have evolved, men have also had a a difficult
46:11
journey along that time too. Because as I said earlier, there
46:15
is not really been a new definition of what it means for
46:20
men to be masculine. There's no really new blueprint
46:24
or new vision or new focus as to if they are not the primary
46:29
earner, if they are not the breadwinner of the family, if
46:32
they are not the quote UN quote provider.
46:35
I literally asked people at a table this, I said, where do you
46:37
guys get your value from? And they said being a provider
46:39
and being a protector. So if we go back to, OK, well,
46:42
I'm going to take that provider card away from him and I'm going
46:46
to be the provider in that. Where do they get their value
46:50
from now? Like if that has thus far been
46:53
the center of their identity, the center of their purpose, the
46:56
center of their value. And now with just shifts that
47:00
are happening and more and more women, as we saw with the stats,
47:03
becoming breadwinners, what does that mean for our male partner?
47:07
What does that mean for, you know, the person that we're in a
47:09
relationship with and what it means for their roles and how
47:13
they're going to evolve. And so I think what is needed is
47:17
we need also to ensure that we are helping men in our
47:22
relationships to recognize that their value is not around money.
47:26
Their value is not around just providing.
47:28
And to make sure that they, they understand that if you were a
47:32
breadwinner, where does their value come in for you?
47:35
Where, where does the value come in for your home, for your
47:38
children, for your day-to-day life if it is not that of
47:43
financial? And I really think that what it
47:48
could look like is looking at emotional leadership in your
47:52
home partnership for you as their partner, shared home
47:56
responsibilities and looking at how can we have those be just as
48:00
equally celebrated as the financial.
48:04
Because I also want to, you know, as a side note here, I
48:08
want to be very clear, I don't believe that there's one style
48:12
of home for everybody. I don't believe that every house
48:15
needs to have a woman as a breadwinner.
48:17
And I don't even believe that past traditional roles are dead.
48:22
Like I have incredible peers and friends who have the traditional
48:26
model. The wife is a stay at home mom.
48:30
The dad goes out and works as the sole provider of the family.
48:34
She takes care of the household responsibilities.
48:36
He takes care of the financial and mainly does the outside yard
48:40
work. She does the inside housework
48:42
and they share cooking and that literally is their dynamic and
48:46
they love it. So I also want to be very clear
48:49
that I am by no means knocking the traditional older roles that
48:55
we were given as women because I do think for some women, not
49:00
only does it work, it's also their vision.
49:02
Like, I have a friend of mine who, you know, got into business
49:07
and in business, she realized very quickly she was like, I'm
49:10
going to be honest, Kate, I am not made for the boss babe, OK?
49:14
I I'm not made for the boss babe life.
49:17
She's like I literally just want to have my baby on my hip, make
49:21
sourdough in my kitchen, have enough money for our family to
49:25
be able to live XYZ lifestyle and if we get there I am gravy.
49:29
I do not need anything else. She's like I would be in
49:32
complete bliss to live in nature and have a farm with my kids,
49:37
kid on my hips, sourdough in the oven.
49:39
And for her this is not like someone putting her in a box.
49:43
This is not someone saying well here's your role etcetera.
49:45
This is her choosing that. And so I want to be very clear
49:49
because I don't want in any of the conversation today for you
49:51
to take that. I don't support or believe in,
49:56
you know, the traditional or older generation roles that were
50:01
typically subscribed to us as women.
50:03
Because I think for couples it can work.
50:06
And for your dynamic, it's up to you.
50:08
But for today, I think it's also looking at if we are in the new
50:12
dynamic, if we are in this new world, how do we navigate this?
50:17
The other thing I want to also mention is you need community,
50:23
OK? You need community.
50:25
And so many of us, I think minimize the aspect of community
50:29
because we just were like, OK, like I'm handling things, I'm
50:33
navigating it, I'm making it happen.
50:34
And I love that. But one of the easiest ways or
50:37
fastest ways for you to feel understood, seen, supported, is
50:45
that you actually surround yourself with people who get
50:48
you, who understand what you're going through, who know what
50:52
you're navigating. And we couple years ago had a
50:57
ambitious dinner that we hosted in New York.
51:01
And when we hosted this, I remember it was actually a point
51:03
of conversation because many of the women at that table had
51:06
shared that they in fact were the breadwinner of their couple
51:11
of like their partner, of their marriage or of their family.
51:15
And I remember someone came to me and they, they had said, oh,
51:21
well, you know, like, I want to date a man who's masculine,
51:24
someone who can provide. And it was really interesting
51:27
because it kind of caused this like debate at the table because
51:31
it really all the other women who had very masculine men who
51:35
also were not the provider started to chime in and say,
51:39
well, honestly, my partner is very masculine.
51:41
And in that he's also not the provider.
51:44
So what it did is it started to also really remove this, the
51:50
shame or this label of right and wrong.
51:53
And this is the this is the way. This is not the way.
51:56
And it started to remove all of that to get us back to the fact
52:01
that we need to have spaces where we can talk about this,
52:06
where you are not the exception, you're the norm.
52:10
So it could be that around your family right now, you're not
52:14
surrounded by a lot of women who are breadwinners.
52:16
It also could be that maybe just an even your immediate friend
52:19
circle, you're not surrounded by a lot of women who are
52:22
breadwinners. That's OK.
52:24
But what I think is actually very healing and very supportive
52:27
and allows you to feel very seen, very understood and have
52:30
very intentional conversations is that when you're around other
52:35
people who are in a similar circumstance, you're able to
52:37
have them really be able to share what's working for them.
52:43
And it's not a matter of, you know, you're the oddball in the
52:45
group anymore. Instead, it's actually almost
52:48
odd in a way that you're not the breadwinner in some circles.
52:52
So I found when I had those communities of women who said,
52:55
Oh yeah, I've been the breadwinner for the last 10
52:56
years or I've been the breadwinner for the last 15 and
52:59
I have 3 kids. Like that's those conversations
53:01
were so insanely valuable because I'm like, OK, tell me
53:05
everything. As in, you know, how do you
53:08
still, you know, support your husband in his role and how did
53:11
you guys redefine what your roles were like?
53:13
All these become the conversations.
53:16
And so I think that moving forward, our vision needs to be
53:19
that in our houses, we're looking toward having Co
53:23
leadership is kind of what I noted to be.
53:25
We need to remember that Co leadership is the new family
53:28
dynamic. Co leadership is the new, you
53:31
know potentially even relationship dynamic.
53:33
It is this Co created life and I think the aspect of Co creation
53:38
is like the two of you get to really redefine what it means
53:43
for finances in your home, what it means for masculinity and
53:46
femininity, what it means for household chores, what it means
53:48
for raising children, what it means for, you know,
53:51
responsibilities and who does what when.
53:54
And I think once we really have those conversations, we're
53:58
redefining the role for you and making it solid, but we're also
54:01
redefining the role for your partner and making it solid in
54:04
that regard as well. So I wanted to give you and
54:08
leave you today with 10 mantras. If you are someone listening and
54:11
you're like, I have been the breadwinner for, you know, six
54:15
months, could be for two years, could be for six years.
54:17
I've been the breadwinner ever since I started my business.
54:20
So and a little bit actually before that when I think about
54:22
it. So I've been a breadwinner for a
54:24
while and as I said, I don't have any issue with it.
54:28
I, I do love it, but it does come with its own associated
54:30
pressures and I have felt many of the things that we talked
54:34
about today. So I want to share 10 kind of
54:36
mantras that you can latch onto to help you to stay grounded in
54:40
the season where you really are, that, you know, core source for
54:45
your house and how we can really use these mantras to support
54:49
you. So 1st is my success does not
54:53
need to be softened for anybody. OK, so softening your success,
54:59
to be clear, does not make you more of a woman, it doesn't make
55:03
you more feminine, it doesn't make you more of anything.
55:06
Like you do not need to soften your success.
55:10
So the first one is my success does not need to be softened for
55:12
anybody. 2 Providing financially for my family does not mean that
55:19
I provide everything. This is kind of to speak to
55:25
those of you who feel like not only are you providing
55:27
financially, but you feel like you're providing in a million
55:29
other buckets as well. Just because you provide
55:32
financially does not mean that you're responsible to provide
55:35
everything. Third, the load is heavy because
55:40
the load is heavy, not because you're weak.
55:44
This one for me, out of all of these rings true the most.
55:48
I literally said to someone a week ago, I said, Oh my God, I
55:50
feel so much pressure because I, I'm just holding space for a lot
55:56
of people and a lot of things right now.
55:59
And I said, I just don't know why I can't handle it.
56:00
They go, Kate, what are you talking about?
56:03
Your current business? You've got the second business
56:06
that you're starting. You've got trying to train to do
56:09
high rocks in like a year, which I'm not in the shape I am
56:13
needing to be in yet. So we're working on it.
56:16
And all that while renovating a house and you're going to be
56:19
moving and you're dating someone long distance.
56:23
What? And I was like, so when I
56:27
started to sit with it, I felt weak.
56:32
I felt like I should be able to handle more.
56:33
I should be able to navigate more.
56:34
I should be doing this easier, faster, simpler.
56:38
And I said to her, I said, oh, yeah, but I don't have kids.
56:41
She goes, yeah, I understand. But you can still be busy even
56:45
if you don't have kids. You're just feeling that time
56:46
with other things. And so I said, you know, I felt
56:50
like I was weak. And she said, no, you're just
56:52
handling a lot because it is a lot.
56:54
It's not that you can't handle it, it's that whatever you're
56:57
navigating actually in fact is a lot to handle.
57:00
So as a result, that's why it's feeling a lot to handle.
57:03
So this one loads lands true because the load is heavy,
57:07
because the load is heavy, not because you're weak. 4th is rest
57:12
is not earned. It's required.
57:16
Rest is not earned, it is required.
57:19
Somebody I spoke to recently had said, you know, we'll after ABC
57:23
and D is done, then I'm going to definitely go for a girls
57:27
weekend. I said, well, why don't you just
57:28
go for a coffee for two hours today by yourself?
57:31
And she was like today, I'm like today.
57:34
And I think the invitation is many of us postpone our rest
57:40
till the busy season is over. But often times for ambitious
57:43
women, we create the next busy season just as the existing one
57:47
starting to taper off. So the invitation as well is to
57:50
look at when is your rest just required for you and not needing
57:56
to be earned. Something to think on #5 My
58:01
worth is in who I am and not what I produce.
58:05
I actually say this line to George.
58:07
I said I love you for who you are and not for what you do.
58:10
My worth is who I am, not what I produce.
58:13
And that is because many of us are get our value from what it
58:20
is that we do for other people. And whether that is your
58:22
partner, could be your team, could be your clients, could be
58:24
your kids. And like that's how you get your
58:27
value. And what I ask people is if I
58:31
couldn't get value from all the things you do for me, what would
58:35
you say is the center of what makes you valuable?
58:39
And many people will naturally as the next step, go to
58:43
describing who they are. Oh well, I have a big heart and
58:45
I'm considerate and I'm thoughtful and I'm caring.
58:49
It's OK. That is where your true value
58:52
comes from. And the faster that we can
58:56
detach our value coming from what we do for other people or
58:59
what we produce, the more we can realize that just in ourselves
59:04
and the way that you are as a woman, it is enough.
59:09
It is enough. 6 Our partnership, our relationship gets to be
59:15
designed and not defined by outdated roles.
59:20
So if you are someone who is the breadwinner and if you are
59:24
somebody who wants to be a massive financial contributor to
59:27
your house, you get to redesign your roles.
59:31
And I also want to be clear that nothing I say of what I do or
59:35
what I see also says that that is going to ring true for you.
59:39
This is your house, your relationship, your, you know,
59:42
marriage, your, your home, your family that you get to literally
59:46
design and innovate and create a new vision as to what that's
59:49
going to look like. 7 is my success is not a threat, it is
59:54
an expansion. OK, my success is not a threat,
59:57
it is an expansion. Your ability to grow into this
1:00:01
new version of you and to grow into opportunity and to grow
1:00:04
into these new pathways of what you could achieve is not
1:00:07
something that is a threat to your relationship.
1:00:09
It should not be seen as a threat to your family.
1:00:11
This should be something that you see as an opportunity to
1:00:14
help your entire relationship and family to expand along with
1:00:18
you. I can lead powerfully and I
1:00:21
still am supported or can be supported deeply.
1:00:25
OK, I can lead powerfully and I can still be supported deeply.
1:00:31
I used to believe, used to, I used to believe that there were
1:00:38
people in relationships that couldn't hold or harness your
1:00:41
power. And what I realized was in, I
1:00:46
literally think about with the right person or the right
1:00:48
dynamic, you can literally take your power and put it in your
1:00:52
pocket and you get to turn off. You know how you always feel
1:00:55
like you're always on, you're always on.
1:00:58
The always on feeling is because potentially there's not ever
1:01:01
actually a space designed for you to turn off.
1:01:04
And so one of the invitations I think that is important is as us
1:01:07
as women that we are not looking to dim our light.
1:01:10
We're not looking to turn off our light.
1:01:13
It's more to say that we are able to park that so we can be
1:01:17
present in ourselves. And I think that that requires
1:01:22
the right and the intentional people around you to support
1:01:25
you. You are not the exception.
1:01:28
You are the evolution, as we talked about the community.
1:01:32
You are not the exception. You may be the exception around
1:01:35
the people that you're around, but it doesn't necessarily mean,
1:01:37
as we saw with the stats earlier, that you are actually
1:01:39
the exception. As I said, one in three families
1:01:42
in Canada has the woman as the breadwinner of the house.
1:01:46
So it is something that I want you to know that while you may
1:01:49
be in your current circle, it may be rare that you are friends
1:01:52
with the breadwinner. It doesn't necessarily mean that
1:01:54
it is in fact rare. You might just not be around
1:01:56
people who have that shared experience.
1:01:58
And I don't have to. Number 10 is I don't have to
1:02:01
survive my life to succeed in it.
1:02:03
I get to design it. I don't want you to ever feel
1:02:08
that in wanting what you want for your life and your vision
1:02:11
and your business that you are forced to be like, here is the,
1:02:17
you know, the hand you've been dealt.
1:02:18
These are the cards you've been dealt and now you got to figure
1:02:21
out what to do with them. That in itself presumes that we
1:02:27
have just been dished this situation of, OK, handle this,
1:02:31
handle that, handle this. This is your new design role.
1:02:34
And because you became a mom or because you have a business or
1:02:36
because of this, you just taken on all of this and that we're a
1:02:40
passenger in it. I think the invitation of the
1:02:42
most successful woman that I've seen that are, you know,
1:02:45
incredible in their marriages and with their children and with
1:02:47
their businesses is that they really designed their life.
1:02:50
They didn't allow life to say, here's your role.
1:02:53
They said, OK, well, knowing what we know about our family,
1:02:56
our relationship, our home, here's what we're deciding our
1:03:00
roles are. And you know, for some people,
1:03:03
they do it initially like from the get go and other people they
1:03:06
realize, hey, you know what, I really did believe that I could
1:03:10
just do it all and never have a plan for it.
1:03:12
But I realized that I am stretched and I'm not feeling
1:03:16
like we have the dynamic that we need.
1:03:18
So you go back to the drawing board to say, OK, how do we
1:03:20
redesign this? And so I wanted to talk with us
1:03:23
today because I think more and more as business owners, we're
1:03:28
seeing more and more women be the head of the financial part
1:03:31
of their home. And they're, as we talked about,
1:03:35
has not been a lot of shift with our roles.
1:03:37
There's not been a lot of shift with society.
1:03:38
There's not been a lot of shift in conversations and marriages
1:03:41
or in parenting or any of that. And so the exciting part as I
1:03:45
believe with women, you know, having more and more access to
1:03:48
wealth, we know that less than, you know, 2% of female founded
1:03:51
businesses ever hit seven figures a year in revenue.
1:03:54
And I think that that's, you know, an evolution and expansion
1:03:57
itself. What we have to recognize is
1:03:59
with levels of achievement, with new milestones that we're
1:04:02
tapping into, we are also simultaneously with those new
1:04:05
milestones, tapping into new experiences that we do not have
1:04:08
an agenda for, new realities that we weren't quite prepped
1:04:12
for. So as much as we're prepping for
1:04:14
the seven figure business or we're prepping for this new next
1:04:17
level, are you equally so prepping yourself for not only
1:04:22
the version of your business that will be required for you,
1:04:25
but what version of you is required to hold that vision?
1:04:30
So not just you as ACEO, you as the coach, you as the the
1:04:33
agency, you as the the operator, but for your life.
1:04:37
When you think about having that business vision, what does that
1:04:41
mean for your relationship? What does it mean for your
1:04:43
friends circle? What does it mean for the people
1:04:45
around you? And asking yourself, have I
1:04:47
really been as intentional about designing my other parts of my
1:04:51
life as I have designing my business?
1:04:54
And I think for me, that was the take away of this research that
1:04:58
I was just kind of nerding out on is recognizing that I have
1:05:02
just as much intention, role and responsibility in the pursuit of
1:05:06
achieving big things to also correlate that achievement the
1:05:09
rest of areas of my life. Because the last thing that I
1:05:12
want is to have, you know, incredible financial success,
1:05:15
lots of wealth, and then you are the breadwinner and you're like,
1:05:19
but I never define the new roles.
1:05:21
I never was clear about X. And now I'm feel like I'm
1:05:23
drowning in responsibility. So I think it's just an
1:05:27
invitation. It's an invitation for us as
1:05:28
women to have a conversation with each other.
1:05:30
So it could be inviting some girlfriends out to dinner and
1:05:33
saying, hey, I was thinking about this, you know, something
1:05:35
that I've just been navigating recently this year.
1:05:37
How are you guys doing ABC? Or it could also be something
1:05:41
that you take home to your partner and you say, hey, I was
1:05:43
listening to a podcast today and it was talking about XYZ when it
1:05:46
comes to gender roles. And I was thinking, and you have
1:05:49
a conversation about it. This is the the spark that I
1:05:53
hope will start conversations. Because I believe deeply that by
1:05:57
having those conversations, you will start to give context to
1:06:02
people around you as to how they can best support you.
1:06:05
Because I do not want you to feel, even though it may feel
1:06:07
like this right now, that you are navigating anything alone or
1:06:09
that everything is on you. Because I know for a fact
1:06:12
there's probably incredible people around you that would
1:06:14
love and be eager to support you if they truly understood the
1:06:17
level of pressure that you are feeling right now.
1:06:20
So with that being said, as always, I would love to hear
1:06:23
from you if you have any questions, anything that maybe
1:06:25
just landed free today downloads for you.
1:06:28
Maybe there's a stat that maybe even shocked you cuz I know
1:06:30
those shocked me. Or maybe even the mantras that
1:06:34
you know you can anchor in for yourself.
1:06:36
This is something that I really want to talk about because I
1:06:38
know for a fact with a lot of my girlfriends and a lot of my
1:06:41
peers it they are navigating as well.
1:06:43
And so if I can support you in any way, you know where to find
1:06:46
me if you want to chat through together.
1:06:47
And with all that being said, we will see you on the next
1:06:50
episode. And, as always, stay ambitious.