Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Things I Learned From My Divorce

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Things I Learned From My Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the Podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Anna, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their lives.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations lead to you right there.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's often deeply supportive to things with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to the 29th episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And as well as being the 29th episode, this is the last episode for 2021.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a kind of celebration.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so today, in honor of this being the 29th episode, I'm going to share with you 29 lessons from the other side of divorce.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: 29 lessons I learned from my divorce.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So in no particular order, here we go.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, our relationships are mirrors.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Our relationships, our closest, most intimate relationships are mirrors.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: They show us our light and our power, our potential, as well as our shadows and our prickly edges.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: They hold up what we most need to heal in ourselves.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: They shine a light on where we need to up level and grow.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: They definitely show us what wounds are being activated.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And we are we're drawn to and we attract life experiences and yes, relationships that validate and reflect how we already feel within.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: How was this relationship a mirror for you?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: How was it reflecting back what was going on inside you?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And what was what was it reflecting back to you?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it's an invitation to explore those questions or the answers to those questions.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Our relationships are mirrors.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Learning number two: a healthy relationship doesn't end in a divorce.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So that gives you permission to release yourself from the happy ever after bullshit fairy tale story we're all sold.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, there may have been good times, good seasons, good moments, and absolutely for sure it was not all bad.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: But a happy, healthy, healed relationship does not end in a divorce.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship, my relationship ended for real, valid reasons, some of which you had absolutely no control over.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship does not end in divorce.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, self-care is not selfish.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Self-care is not selfish, it's crucial.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Making ourselves a priority is not selfish.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I've said this before, I know you will have heard it from me before.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Taking care of, prioritizing yourself is vital to your well-being and to your healing.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually, it's also, I should say, vital to the health and well-being of your relationships.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is paramount to calling in a healthy relationship or creating a healthy relationship.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Before we can expect anyone else to put us first, we must put ourselves first.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is being self-loving.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's not being selfish.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So a breakdown in a relationship, a separation, a divorce offers an opportunity to really lean into self-care and self-love.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: How much of a priority were you?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Your thoughts, your feelings, your desires, your voice, your truth, your soul, your heart, your wellness before your divorce.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean by the other person, I mean by you.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: How much of a priority were you?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: How high on your list was self-care and self-love?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And how truly self-loving were you in that relationship?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because for things to be different, for things to be different next time, we need to be different.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: We need to do things differently.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And for someone else to deeply see, honor, respect, and love us, we need to do that for ourselves first.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So self-love comes first.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: There really is no other way.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: My learning number four, you are intrinsically worthy.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: You are, you know, you're intrinsically worthy.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: You accept on a deep core soul level that you are intrinsically worthy.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're born worthy.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to prove that.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to prove you prove your worthiness.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: You just know.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And after a deep, soul-shaking life event like a divorce, you get to tap back into that.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You anchor back into that knowledge, that truth.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's what self-worth.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: You acknowledge yourself as the whole lot of woman, and you know you don't have to prove that to anyone.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You already see yourself as magnificent.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, of course, you see the shadows, the patches, the prickly bits, the edges, but you see yourself as whole and deeply intrinsically worthy.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You shine brightly, you are extraordinary, and you know that, and this allows others to see you that way too.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're intrinsically worthy, you know you honor, you own your worth.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, you refuse to settle.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let's face it, if you were going to settle, you would have stayed where you were, right?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So a divorce gives the you the opportunity to never settle.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you the opportunity to refuse to settle, to never make yourself any less than you are, yep, in all your shadow and all your light, to never accept anything less than all you know you're worthy of.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You refuse to lower your own bar to accommodate someone else's standards, be it the way they wash the dishes or the way they show up in the big life moments.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: You set the bar, you set the standard, you define the container.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not to say that it's your way or the highway, but you know you will no longer settle or lower your standards.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you no longer pretend you like crap that you don't enjoy or accommodate things that don't make your soul sing.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever that is.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to watch the cricket, you don't have to eat Japanese, you whatever it is, whatever is not your thing, you don't have to accommodate or settle.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: If it's something that you tolerate it at times when in a relationship, you get to release yourself from that.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You no longer have to pretend or accept that you like shit, you just don't.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: In all sorts of ways, big and small, be it the way someone stacks your dishwasher to the way they show up in those big life moments, you refuse to accept near enough.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Good enough isn't enough anymore if it ever was.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Near enough, good enough is a hell no.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: You refuse to settle.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, you 100% own and show up as who you are.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: You get to show up and be exactly who you are.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: No apologies, no withholding, no compromise.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: You get to know, love, and be exactly who you are, and show up as the whole lot of women you know you are.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose who do I want to be?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: How am I gonna show up?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: How am I moving through the world?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: You own a hundred percent who you are.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven, you will find your strength and you can do hard things.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You find out through choice as well as necessity after a separation or divorce that you can do things you never thought you could.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: There'll come a moment when you know that you just you just know that you can do this, whatever this is, and that you'll be okay.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, you'll be more than okay.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And in my coaching work, I call this the pilot light moment.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that comes from a story of one of my beautiful, actually, my cousin, one of my beautiful community.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not long after her separation, she arrived home on a wild, windy, stormy winter night to no hot water.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was a pretty typical thing that happened in in their old house in windy weather.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: The pilot light on the hot water service would blow out.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: No hot water.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And normally it was her husband who fixed this, but he was gone.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: So in the dark and the wind and the rain, out she went.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: She tried and tried and tried to light that frickin' light, could not get it to light until she's in almost in tears of frustration, and bang, it lit and it held.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Her pilot light moment.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: She knew in that moment she'd be okay.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So whether it's standing in your power and speaking your truth, climbing a mountain, taking control of your finances, moving house, packing things up, moving house, or buying a new car, or lighting that damn pilot light in a storm, whatever it is, you will find your strength and you will discover you can do hard things, things you never thought possible for yourself.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Number eight, you will reclaim your voice.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: You will be released from silencing, questioning, or second guessing yourself, second guessing the relationship, constantly wondering if there's something more you could be doing, something else you could try to fix or heal the relationship, or yourself.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be released from the feeling that you can't speak your truth for fear of one more argument or one more time, feeling that however you say it, whatever the words are that come out of your mouth, you just aren't going to be heard.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You will be released from withholding thoughts, ideas, desires, dreams, and you will reclaim your voice, finding new ways to communicate and be heard.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Number nine, sex.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Rediscovering the simple joy of no strings attached sex.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Post-divorce sex can be amazing, empowering, liberating all the things if you let it.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Once you've done, or at least you've started to do your doing your healing, you're doing your work, post-divorce, no strings attached sex can be great fun.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's liberating, it's empowering, and when you embrace number five above, which is set your standards, refuse to lower the bar, don't settle.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Post-divorce sex can be amazing and the best you've ever had.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: All the rules are off, all the expectations and the pressures are gone.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can do and be and own exactly who you are, you can reinvent yourself, you can claim your pleasure, own your desire.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that it's not that it means less, but it's an opening to something new, less pressured, less loaded, simple, joyful, and a really free exploration of two people just meeting in time and space, and it can be nothing more than a physical exploration of where you are.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So divorce gives you the opportunity to rediscover the simple joy of no strings attached to sex.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Number 10.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: You own all of your shit.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: You get to own all of your shit, fully, wholly, completely.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: You get to own it.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's no one coming to save you, there's no one else to rely on, there's no one else to blame.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: You get to own it all.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: The shadow and the light.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: You learn to take radical self-responsibility, and that involves taking back your power.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: You own your part of or your role in the relationship and in its breakdown.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: What have you learned about yourself, about being in a relationship, about your boundaries, your sovereignty, about radical self-responsibility?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: What wounds, traumas, insecurities, beliefs did you take into the relationship?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And what are you taking out?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: What or how or where will you heal and grow from this?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, it's all yours, it's all on you, and that can be scary, but it's also fucking wild because you get to set your own course, you get to own all of your shit and choose your path.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Number 11.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Dream big.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: You get to dream big.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: You get to dream big dreams again.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: You get to dream big, wild, crazy dreams without compromise.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: You get to go all in on your dreams, you get to define your best life, your wildest, highest, biggest dreams, and you get to choose what to chase.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: No compromising, no playing small, no accommodating someone else's vision of what your life's gonna look or be like.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: You get to dream the biggest, wildest, craziest, or gentlest, most soul-fulfilling, beautiful dream life that you can possibly imagine, and then get moving towards it.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: You get to dream big.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Number 12 your house, your rules, your life.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's all African yours.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: You get to set the agenda, you get to set the boundaries, you get to define the container.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is 100% your life to live.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: And having stepped outside of a relationship that wasn't healthy, that wasn't holding or seeing, honouring or supporting you, you get to choose.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose and define how your one precious life is going to be lived.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: And this goes for parenting too.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've got kids, it's your way in your house.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's your rules in your house.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not to say you don't honour and respect your co-parent.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: You just get to do it your way.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can be the exact woman, mother, parent you want to be because it's your house, your rules, your freaking life.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if people don't like your rules, if people don't respect your right to choose, if people don't honour your boundaries, that's okay too.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's your house, your rules, your life.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: So release them.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, it's your house, your rules, your life.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let go of anyone or anything that doesn't fit that mold for you.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Number 13, alone and lonely are not the same.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: You already know this.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can be in a busy house, a busy household, a busy family, a room or relationship that doesn't see or hold space for you, that doesn't light you up, and you can feel deeply, deeply lonely.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: But alone, alone's different.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Alone can be healing, alone can be empowering, it can be joyful, it could be soul-filling, it can be liberating, it can be exciting, and it can be deeply, deeply nurturing, deeply healing.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Alone gives you time and space to reconnect with your core, your soul, your spirit, to listen carefully, open-heartedly, and really deeply to your inner voice, your inner knowing, your intuition.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Spending time alone after divorce is priceless.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Spending time alone, really getting to know like love, nurture yourself fills you up.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're filled up, you're not lonely.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Filling yourself up, knowing yourself, nurturing yourself, honouring yourself opens you to new ways of being in the world and it invites in new types of connections and new relationships with others who also honour that in themselves and they see that in you.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: So my lesson was to embrace alone and go deep into alone and allow it to be nurturing and healing because alone and lonely are not the same.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Number 14.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: You have a gift, you have a time to remember who you are.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Outside the container of a relationship, outside a partnership, standing solo, you get to remember who you are.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: The things you love, the things you dislike, the things you choose, and those you choose to let go of.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is a chance to reconnect to and remember who you are and how you like to spend your time, how you like to move through the world, how you like to show up.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose for you without consideration of another, without needing to compromise.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can go deep and really recall all of you, bring her to the surface and deeply, powerfully, fully connect with her again.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: You get to remember, reclaim, and liberate yourself from any of the blocks, the best blocks that being in a relationship that wasn't holding you, placed between you, the day-to-day version of you, and who you really are at you at your core.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: You get to remember who you are.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Number 15.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids will be affected and they will also be okay.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's no denying divorce will affect your kids.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: It shakes their sense of who they are, what their family means, how it looks, it raises questions and challenges.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: So there's no, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, your divorce is going to affect your kids.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a whole lot of evidence to support the fact that more than likely your kids will also be okay.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: You will be their safe place to land.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: You and your teaching will guide them through.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: You will hold the space for them to crumble a little bit and then rebuild themselves.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: You and the way you move through this tender time will show them how to handle big, hard, painful life events and still come out okay.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, your divorce will absolutely, absolutely affect your kids.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: And more than likely, they'll also be okay.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Number 16.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce doesn't mean healed.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Getting divorced, the settlement, the parenting agreement, the piece of paper at the end, getting divorced and being healed are not the same.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Getting a divorce does not automatically mean it's all fixed, you're all fixed, healed, sorted, boxes ticked, time to move on.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce and that mirror that our relationships hold up to us is an invitation for healing, for deep reflection, for soul work.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even if, actually, especially if you think the demise of your marriage, the demise of your relationship was pretty much all your ex's fault.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do the healing, tend to and heal your wounds, do the mindset work, shift your limiting beliefs, rewrite your stories, all the stuff.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce does not equal healed, it's an invitation to heal.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Number 17.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce will open you up to possibility.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: You will open up to possibility.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: When a significant relationship, a marriage ends, it's really tempting to tip into blame, shame, and go down that negative rabbit hole.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: We all as humans have a negative negativity bias.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to focus on what's going wrong or the things that feel bad in our life rather than what's rather than focus on what's going well.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not saying that divorce or the ending of a significant relationship isn't sad or painful and shouldn't be felt in a really big deep way and it shouldn't be grieved.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not Saying that at all.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: But what I am saying is that the outcome of divorce can be positive.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: So a negativity bias is hardwired in our human brain to keep us safe, to make sure we don't do really dumb stuff, to make sure we don't do anything too risky, to keep us in our zone of comfort.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: But when we're rocket launched out of that comfort zone by a major life shakeup like a divorce, it opens us up to all sorts of new experiences.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: It opens the door to possibilities, options, opportunities, things we may have never considered when in the safe comfort zone of our relationship.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or to those we did consider, things that we did consider, but weren't maybe on our partner or then partner's radar.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, that was a crazy, I think back now, a crazy solo parent trip to Cambodia when my kids were, I think, seven and five.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Off we go, let's go.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Never on my my ex-partner's radar, but something that I'd always wanted to do.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: So it opened up that opportunity for me.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: So you will open up to possibility.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: You get to tear down any walls or blocks you've created around yourself to keep your small, protected, safe, and you get to get back out there fearlessly open to new possibilities.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Number 18.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen to anyone.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen to anyone except yourself.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, trust your inner voice, trust your intuition.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen to anyone else if you choose not to.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: You certainly don't need to listen to anyone who's not walked the path ahead of you, who's not got a deep understanding or a lived experience of what you're going through right now.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: So choose who you listen to.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Choose whose advice, whose thoughts, opinions, and ideas you take on.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that's about your relationship, your ex, your separation, your divorce, your parenting, whatever.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen to anyone who's not walked the path, who's not one, two, ten steps ahead of you, and who really, really, really gets it.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, I'm not saying never listen to anyone who's not got lived experience of whatever you're working through, but sometimes, and divorce and parenting seem to actually invite this.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people feel it's okay to tell you what they think you should or should not be doing.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is your gentle, friendly reminder.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen to anyone who's not walked this particular path in a way that you respect, in a way that's aligned with your core values, in a way that feels right for you.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen to anyone.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And just a little PS here.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: You also don't have to listen to the stories that your ex is telling you about yourself, about your relationship, about your life, about your marriage, about your divorce.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen, or at least you don't have to take on it and blindly accept as truth his or her opinions.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen to anyone except yourself.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: So listen in closely, lean into what your inner voice, your intuition, your inner knowing is telling you, and listen to that.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Number 19, there's no one right way.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: There is no one right path, there is no one set of rules to be guided by, there's no one right way to move through your separation, divorce, co-parenting, and healing.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: There is no one size fits all solution.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sorry to tell you, there's not one set, what there's not one list that you can tick off from top to bottom to get you get yourself through it.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: There is no one right way.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: Every relationship, every couple, every family is going to be different, and what worked for your friends', cousins, best friend isn't necessarily the right answer or the right pathway for you.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: Find your own way, define your values, make sure you know what's important to you.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: Really define your values and hold yourself to your highest.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: So hold to the person you most want to be for yourself, for your family.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Know how you want to navigate your way through, know how you want to behave and show up and choose your home path because there is no one right way.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Number 20.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no opens up more space for yes.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no to things, to people, to experiences, events, saying no to things that don't align or don't feel right, even if they once did, saying no opens us up to more space for yes.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no to something or someone creates more space for yes.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: And on a deeper level, saying no to something or someone means saying yes to yourself.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no, creating, setting, holding healthy boundaries enables, allows you to step into your power and wow, that is attractive.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no opens up more space for yes and also invites in things, people, experiences, relationships that are aligned with where we are and where we are headed.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no to something or someone else is saying yes to ourselves.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Number twenty-one, forgiveness heals.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness heals, and forgiving or forgiveness is not done for others, it is done for us.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness is done for us.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: By forgiving someone else, by forgiving ourselves, we free ourselves.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Anger, blame, resentment, holding on to all that only hurts you.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: Holding on to anger is, to quote Buddha, like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: Drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: So holding on to blame and resentment for your ex only hurts you.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: Holding on to shame, guilt, resentment, all the things towards yourself is toxic and only hurts you.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiving heals.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness heals.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it and forgiveness doesn't mean that what happened was okay if it wasn't.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness is about releasing you from the cycle, releasing you from the pain, and forgiveness is one more step towards healing.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: So forgive your ex when you're ready.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Forgive yourself, wrap it up, tie it off, give it a kiss, bless it, release it.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness heals.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Number 22.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let go of the shoulds A S A P.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go of all the shoulds is liberating.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: Gloriously fucking liberating.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a rebirth.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go of what you thought your relationship, your marriage should look like, letting go of who you thought you should be in your relationship, how you thought you should show up, what it should look and feel like.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: Releasing yourself from everything you thought your life should look like is liberating.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: And seriously, you don't have to do anything.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: So letting go of what you thought should be and accepting what is is freeing.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's liberating.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, remembering, you both did the best you could at the time.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: You really did the best you knew how in that season.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: You did the best you could with who you were, what you had, and what you knew at that time, in that moment.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: So release yourself from what you should have done and how things should have turned out, and just accept how they did.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also, on another aside, divorce and reframing your family releases you from all the shoulds or the expectations of others.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: It releases you from the expectations, for example, of the extended family of your ex-partner.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: There is no should anymore.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose, you get to decide, you get to define.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: So let go of all the expectations.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to be free of obligation.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: Let go of the shoulds to expand into freedom and a new way of being.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let go of the shoulds to expand into freedom.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: Number 23, you will lose other relationships.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: When you divorce, yes, you lose that primary intimate relationship with your ex-partner, but you will also lose other relationships.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: As you grow, as you change, as you evolve, you will leave other relationships behind.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: You will lose people, you will shed people.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Some will choose sides, and yes, that can hurt, but it's an invitation to make room for those who are yours to find, or those who are yours to welcome in.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Others won't know how to navigate this new normal and and they'll retreat, they'll freeze you out.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: So as you heal and grow, evolve and change, you will leave some people behind, or some will feel challenged or activated by you.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Some will find you stepping into a new version of yourself, a new normal that will find that activating, and you will shed some relationships, and that's perfectly okay.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Accept it, allow it, grieve them if you need to, but accept, release, and keep stepping forward.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you will lose old friendships, old relationships, people, other people, and you will you will gain others.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: You will define your container, you'll be clear on your values, your boundaries, your wants, your needs, your your desires, and you'll step into your power and reclaim who you are.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that that invites in others who are like-minded or like-sold, who are on the same plane and seeking the same sort of things.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, you will lose some relationships, but you will gain others, and you will gain others that seriously light you the F up.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Learning number 24.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: Be happy now.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Be happy now, even in the storm, even in the messy middle, be happy now.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: If my divorce taught me anything, it's that what we think will happen, what we think is coming, coming for us, what we what we have planned for ourselves, very often doesn't land.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: So don't wait for when.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Choose to be happy, choose to find happiness, choose to create happiness right now.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, even when it hurts, even when you're in the messy middle, even when you're in the middle of the storm and the pain.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: Choose happy now.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: Wear the beautiful lingerie, buy the nice things, look to nature and seek joy, choose happy, choose fun.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait until, don't wait for when.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: Happiness breeds happiness.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: So having fun, being present, showing up in the moment, practicing gratitude and finding joy in even the smallest of moments each day is the key.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait for everything to be perfect, for everything to fall into place to be happy and satisfied and fulfilled.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be waiting a bloody long time.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Embrace the small joys in each and every day.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Seek fun.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Choose to be happy now and be happy for others too.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: If we are choosing to be happy for others, those who may already have what we most crave, what we most desire, then we anchor into the belief that that happiness, that joy is hap, is possible for us too.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible for us.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: Be happy now.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: Number twenty-five, do scary things.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_00: Growth lies beyond the edges.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Growth lies outside our comfort zone.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: You want to stay stuck?
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not really, not many of us do, but many of us sit inside our comfort zone and we don't do the scary thing.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: We feel the fear and we retreat.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: But to move forward, to find a new way to reach your big dreams, you've got to do the scary things.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do the scary things.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your growth, your dreams coming true, your beautiful new version of life lies beyond your fear.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when something scary shows up, when something feels big and hard and triggers your fear, lean in, lean forward.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: Embrace that fear, embrace the scary thing.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: Doing scary things steps you closer to your goals, steps you closer to your big dream.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: What would you do if you weren't afraid?
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: What would you tell yourself if there wasn't fear?
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_00: Doing the scary things builds your self-confidence muscles.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: Stretch, challenge yourself, and grow into your potential.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: Expand into what's possible.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do the scary things.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's never too late.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late to heal.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not to call, it's not too late to call in or create or craft a life you love.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late to change things.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late to grow and learn.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late to shift or move to a new place.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late to change your life, your career trajectory, can't say that.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too light.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late to change your career.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: Full stop.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not too late to love again.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late to find and call in and co-create a healthy, happy, loving, mutually supportive relationship.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: There is no timeline.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: So release yourself from the be a story that you're too old and it's too late.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: Learning number 27.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to receiving.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to receiving.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: I learned quite recently actually, and I remember when I read it and it hit me in the chest like a bolt.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: Fierce independence is a trauma response.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: Fierce independence is a trauma response.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great big protective barrier we build around ourselves so we can't be let down, we can't be disappointed, we can't be hurt.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: If I expect nothing from anyone else, if I am fiercely independent, if I can do it all myself and I don't need anyone else, I am safe from the pain of being let down, of having my expectations or my hopes remain unmet, unseen.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: So flip that.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to receive.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to help, to kindness, compassion, and care from others.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do everything all by yourself all the fucking time.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to the help, the support, the nurture, the guidance, the love and the care from others.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: Being open to that is a good thing.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: Allowing others in, receiving, allowing help, allowing care and love opens us up to more of it.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: It creates the space for more good to come to us.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping out of that fierce independence, that mindset of I don't need anyone, I can do it all by myself, allows more of the good stuff to happen.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: It invites in good people, it invites in care, it invites in love.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to receiving.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: Lesson number 28.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_00: Feel the big feelings.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to be sad, to feel hurt, to be angry.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: I do not subscribe to the good vibes only BS story.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_00: Our feelings, our big feelings, our big emotions come up for a reason, and they are our first step to healing.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to acknowledge the big ones, and especially those ones you'd rather not feel.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: Anger, sadness, pain, resentment, bitterness, all the dark, shadowy ones.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to allow them.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught and we try as humans so hard to not feel the big hard emotions.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: We try to avoid pain, and that's how we stay alive, right?
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: But we're taught and we're conditioned to avoid the pain and avoid the discomfort.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: But in this life season, it's okay.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's really important to feel all the big ones.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to allow them to rise, to be fully felt, to be fully seen, and to be felt all the way through to the end without numbing or minimizing or pushing them down.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: Feel the big feelings.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if you do have kids, it's okay for them to see you experiencing these feelings too.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay for them to feel the big feelings.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it's our job as parents to, as a parent, to see and allow our kids to feel these big emotions, to show them that it's okay to allow them to come up.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's our job as a parent to know to or to communicate to them that all of their emotions and all of them, all of that is welcome.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: And to allow that same space and extend that same grace to ourselves.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: All your emotions are welcome, even the hard ones.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: So feel the big feelings.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: And my final final my final learning, my final lesson, number 29.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: Good things are waiting for you.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: Good things are waiting for you.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: Good people, good experiences, new experiences, big adventures, discoveries, learnings, choices, dreams, hopes, and yes, loves.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: Good things are waiting for you and your best days are coming.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_00: Good things are waiting for you and your best days are coming.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_00: So to recap, twenty-nine life lessons from the other side of divorce.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, our relationships are mirrors.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: Two, a healthy relationship doesn't end in divorce.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, self-care, not selfish, it's critical.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, you're intrinsically worthy.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, you refuse to settle.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, own who you are.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: Seven, you'll find your strength and know you can do hard things.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_00: Eight reclaim your voice.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nine rediscover the simple joy of no strings attached to sex.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: Number ten, own all of your shit.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: Eleven dream big dreams.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: Number twelve.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: Your house, your rules, your life.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: thirteen.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_00: Alone and lonely are not the same.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_00: Fourteen.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: Remember who you are, who you used to be.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_00: Fifteen, your kids will be affected and they'll also be okay.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sixteen.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce doesn't mean healed.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: Seventeen.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_00: Open up to possibility.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_00: Eighteen.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to listen.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nineteen.
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's no one right way.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_00: twenty.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no opens space for more yes.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: twenty one.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness heals.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty two.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go of all the shoulds is liberating.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty three.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_00: You will lose and also gain people.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: twenty four.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_00: Be happy now.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty five.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_00: Do scary things.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_00: Twix.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty seven.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to receiving.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty eight.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_00: Feel the big feelings and twenty-nine good things are waiting for you.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so I want to thank you for sharing this space with me over the past twenty nine episodes.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for all your shares, all your comments, all your messages, your reviews.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: And hey, if you haven't already left a review, I'd really love you to do that because that means we get this we get this podcast into the ears of more people who need to hear its message.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: More people who need to know the life lessons from Beyond Divorce.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it's been a privilege and a joy over the past 29 episodes to share this space with you.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: I actually never expected to love putting out a podcast quite as much as I do, and that's all down to you.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm so grateful that you're here.
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really grateful to have you as part of the Reflect community.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_00: Have a beautiful holiday, have a beautiful Christmas season, anchor into the good things that are waiting for you in 2022, and I'll see you in the new year.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Anna Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_00: Until then