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EP 75 Coming Through Loneliness - Maggie, Isabell, Lisa and Kasey · iRefresh Podcast

• 0:00
  Really, social media, when you're looking at things, when you're getting likes, when you're getting comments, it's like these dopamine hits. To me, this really ties into loneliness, especially in this day and age. It's very image-based. Me, me, me, me, me. Look at me. This is my life. Look at what happened to me this weekend. It used to be like, hey, let me show you this picture. And it was like a real picture. And now it's like, hey, world, here's this picture. But when we invite Jesus to kind of have
• 0:24
  even control over our social media, and we take the focus off ourselves onto our friends, onto the messy parts of our life, and even onto Jesus himself. Social media is a platform.
• 0:53
  Hi, welcome back. My name is Isabel and I'm so honored to get to be here with iRefresh talking about the subject of loneliness. I'm here joined by Miss Casey and Miss Lisa and Maggie here and we're so honored to get to be here not alone. We're joined by awesome ladies here in this room and so we're going to get an opportunity to have a little bit of fun, let loose a little and have some conversation with everyone here. So who wants to start us off?
• 1:21
  I'll start off. So I'm Lisa. It's nice to meet you ladies today. And thank you so much for sharing your stories. So I'm curious as believers, how you guys, you alluded to it a little bit, Isabel, but how sometimes when you are a believer, there's this expectation that you should show up and be fine and put a smile on your face. But I know what it's like to battle feeling lonely in a crowded room.
• 1:45
  So how would you say that you have truly overcome not always having to be okay? Like how did you get to that point where you could really get beyond just putting a smile on your face and being fine, always fine, and always the happy one?
• 2:00
  That is such a good question. So I'm a pastor's kid and the expectation is very image-based. So that was very isolating for me. I felt like when I was going through something, I couldn't be genuine with the people around me. And so I think that a breakthrough that I had was realizing that
• 2:20
  I can be myself with other people. I'm allowed to have bad days, I'm allowed to have bad feelings, and I'm not ashamed of my bad days and my bad feelings. And it is so helpful to get to share that part of myself. And I think not only with other people, but with God too. Because sometimes we feel like we need to present God with this perfect offering of like, here's all the good parts of me, Lord, but intimacy is achieved in like the darkest areas of our life.
• 2:46
  And one of the reasons why David and God were such close is because God was with him when he was getting chased by Saul. And when he was going through the dark times, he really had opportunities to get to have intimacy with God because he drew close in those times. Yeah, that's wonderful. I would love to hear also just to go along with that. What was the value? Did you guys have mentors in your life that you really could look up to that really helped you kind of get through that lonely season that can feel very isolating? Yeah.
• 3:16
  I know I am who I am today because of every mentor that poured into me. I mean, that was something from an early age on that I knew was incredibly important. Uh, and honestly, there's one mentor in particular in my life who's been in my life since I was three years old.
• 3:34
  Um, and she has been through every season with me and has prayed through every season with me. Uh, and that's the key is finding a mentor that you can be completely and totally honest with and not holding anything back. I mean, we can do that with God and that's where healing comes from with him is being completely and totally honest because he's the counselor, the old, the wonderful counselor, but, but he wants, he can manifest his presence into people as well to be wonderful counselors too. And I definitely found, um,
• 4:03
  healing and connection in that with the mentors of my life, especially in particular that one.
• 4:09
  Yeah, my name is Natalie, and y'all have shared so many great things. But, yeah, I was just going to ask probably, like, Lisa and Casey directed to you guys because you mentioned seasons. I know, Lisa, you alluded to, like, you know, friendships, mom life. There's a lot on your plate. You're like, how do I fit a friend into this equation, you know? Practically, how do you guys prioritize, like, you know,
• 4:35
  You know, friendships and initiating, because I think initiating is a huge part of friendships, because usually we think I'll be a magnet and people come to me. But that rarely happens, you know, and we usually have to seek out friendships. And so, yeah, through each of your seasons. Wait, want to go first?
• 4:52
  Sure. I think for me, it goes back to just the intentionality of, you know, recognizing that we aren't meant to live this life alone. And so we do need the community of people around us. And so finding that time to be intentional, to reach out to a friend and instead of saying, you know, hey, I miss you, let's get together soon. Like, how about, you know, let's go to dinner next week or whatever.
• 5:16
  You know, with you, Lisa, maybe with, you know, your season with moms, other moms and kids, you know, to set up a play date, you know, just be more intentional. Like making a firm plan. Right. Not just a, let's do that. Yeah. Yeah.
• 5:30
  Yeah, I think for me, a lot of what I've learned, and I'm still learning this, is inviting people into my life where I am. And like I have one friend, I mean like, hey, I'm going to be in the car pickup line getting my kids from school for like the next year, but really 30 minutes. So can I pick you up and you just sit in the car with me? I know it's kind of silly, but it's just like kind of being a part of my life where I can have some...
• 5:55
  peaceful conversation without the little ones interrupting or whatever. So, yeah, I think, you know, inviting people into those moments that are just already happening and not making it a chore, if that makes sense. Not that friendships are a chore, but sometimes you feel like you have to carve out space when you don't have space. Or you feel like, well, now I have to pay for a babysitter or now I'm going to be taken away from...
• 6:17
  Whatever it is. So just letting them into your life in that exact moment, wherever that is. And also inviting people along the journey of your interests. If you're taking a class of some sort, like, hey, take this class with me.
• 6:33
  I think it just kind of fosters the ability to form those relationships. So, so yeah. And to answer your question more about the seasons, I feel like that's how I've kind of brought my friends along for the season, just opening them up to the moment of where I'm at. My house is messy, but I have, you know, an hour. Do you want to have a coffee? Ignore the mess. And they're like, I get it. Me too. So that's how I do it. Well, I think too, that is adds value to a friendship because
• 7:03
  it's not fun to be, well, sometimes it's not fun to be around somebody who's like, they have it together all the time, you know, and it's like hard. Um, and you know, when you have some types of those friendships and so just being vulnerable and, you know, like you said, I love that. This is, you know, my house is a mess, but come over. I have some time, you know, to have coffee. Like Isabella said, true friendship and intimacy is formed in those, those messy spaces. So yeah, for sure.
• 7:31
  When you go and you pick up everything and you're like, my house is messy, but you can come over. But you know it's perfect. You just want them to think that your version of messy is actually amazing. Oh, I'm just a slob. And then they walk in and they're like, that's not my definition. Smells like Febreze in here. That's just natural. That's my natural scent. Mango paradise is my natural scent.
• 7:58
  Well, hello, ladies. My name is Veronica, and I really liked how each one of you, and throughout your entire process here, everyone referred to turning back to the Lord in your time of loneliness, in your time of questioning, where am I, what's going on? You each had a specific point of going back to the Lord. And it reminded me of the scripture that I had to look up is in Proverbs 18.24, and it says that Jesus is closer than a brother.
• 8:28
  And what I really like is the message version. I'm going to let you help me find it again. The message and the passion translations are almost part of your script today, which is really amazing. So the message says, friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.
• 8:50
  And then the passion is some friendships don't last for long, but there is one loving friend who is joined to your heart closer than any other. And I heard Maggie refer to that. And it just was such a great reminder of what does the word of God say? And each of you were careful in saying throughout your process, that's where you found peace. So thank you for that.
• 9:17
  Absolutely. And I think that a great kind of example of that is, and this is a little weird, but bringing Jesus into your social media feed. I think that social media is very isolating sometimes because it's very image-based. Me, me, me, me, me. Look at me. This is my life. Look at what happened to me this weekend. But when we invite Jesus to kind of have even control over our social media and we take the focus off ourself onto our friends, onto our, you know, the messy parts of our life, and even onto Jesus himself,
• 9:46
  social media is a platform that we can kind of be honest and we don't often use it for honesty because we see everybody else posting the highlights and we want to say oh look at my highlights but when we have opportunities to be honest and vulnerable on social media I know when I see that my friends do it I'm like whoa
• 10:05
  this is incredible for me. Yeah. I think like you said, social media, it can really be a highlight reel of a lot of things. And really social media, when you're looking at things, when you're getting likes, when you're getting comments, it's like these dopamine hits. And I think that, I know that nothing was even asked about social media, but this was a good,
• 10:23
  topic to bring up. Yeah. Because to me, this really ties into loneliness, especially in this day and age. We are constantly surrounded by devices and technology, and it's like it's a replacement for authentic relationship with one another. And I think that...
• 10:40
  it just invites loneliness because we're getting these hits of dopamine from like posting a picture, likes, comments, all these things. When not that long ago, we would go to people to have that feeling. Yeah, so I think loneliness...
• 10:59
  With Instagram and all these things, it's like so much more than ever because it used to be like, hey, let me show you this picture. And it was like a real picture. And now it's like, hey, world, here's this picture. And now we're tying our worth to how many likes we get or how many people engage with our social media, how many comments we get, what the comments are.
• 11:22
  And that fosters loneliness. Totally. And if maybe you don't have cool things to share, you don't have the perfectly edited photos with the presets and all the technology stuff, that's lonely too. And especially, like, I find myself when I'm scrolling through and I see all my friends posting, I'm like...
• 11:42
  And immediately, it makes me feel a little depressed because I'm like, well, why am I not out there doing fun stuff like they are? I'm out here. I have to work and do this stuff and here and here and here. And I feel stretched thin. I have to intentionally back off on the social media and take a break from it. Because if I get if I just scroll for hours, it's just it's like my my battery is fully charged and it just depletes to zero faster than it would have otherwise.
• 12:11
  If anyone is really struggling with loneliness, I think one of the first things I would offer as advice is to take a little detox, a dopamine social media detox, because it really invites loneliness when you see what everyone else is doing. Instead of clicking the app, call a real person.
• 12:33
  Let's get coffee instead of me just looking through your stories. Looking at people getting coffee. Right. Taste it with your real taste buds. Yeah. Hello, ladies. My name is Anne Hatton. And first of all, thank you for being here tonight and sharing your stories. It's really resonated with me as far as, you know, labeling how I've felt in the past and not knowing that that's exactly how other people may be feeling.
• 13:01
  because you can be amongst other people, like you've said, and then still feel lonely. So that kind of brings me to my question. When you were going through your seasons of loneliness, did you know that that was what you were going through? And if you did, did you reach out to someone or did you kind of hold it inside?
• 13:22
  That's a great question. So something I didn't even talk about, I'm a young adult cancer survivor. I was diagnosed with a blood cancer when I was 29. And that was a lonely season even though I was surrounded by many, many people.
• 13:37
  I had so much support, so much love. I had people bringing me meals. I had people praying for me. But there was a real loneliness in my heart. And at that time, I couldn't say that I would have labeled it as loneliness because I couldn't... One of you said something earlier that was the difference between isolation. Oh, the difference between isolation. Solitude and... Yes. So it kind of felt like that, that even though I was surrounded by so many people,
• 14:03
  I felt the love and encouragement, but I couldn't necessarily label it as loneliness. But in retrospect, it was a lonely season because everything I was going through, everything I was feeling, it was really just me and God. Like no one else can really go through that with you the same way you go through it. Does that make sense?
• 14:23
  So yeah, I wouldn't say that I was able to label that as a lonely season, but I realize it now. And I know I just talked about the evils of social media, but one thing that did help me in that time was connecting with other young adult cancer survivors, and I can't say that I know many of them. So I had to go on social media and I connected with some other people that had gone through blood cancers or just cancers at an early age, and that kind of helped me get out of
• 14:52
  a little bit of that lonely feeling to have someone else that really related to that specific season. So that was helpful. So, yeah, don't delete all your social media right away. Delete it all. There's some good things. But, yeah, what about you? Yeah.
• 15:08
  So thank you, Lisa. I actually have epilepsy. I have chronic epilepsy. I got diagnosed with it when I was 15 and I was going right into high school. And so I started a new school. All of a sudden I had this big, scary disease and I had no idea what to do with it or how to act. And high school is all about going out and interacting with people. And I was afraid of going out because I thought I was going to have a seizure like, you know,
• 15:32
  if I even watched a movie. And so it was unbelievably isolating, especially because it was so unexpected. It happened crazy one night at a youth conference, I had a seizure and then all of a sudden, bam, you have this disease, have fun. Like what now? And my parents, I love them, but they didn't know what I was going through. And I mean, they did their best. I had a good support system around me. But as the years went on and I,
• 15:59
  came to terms with the fact that I was not going to get better, that this was something that I now had to live with my whole life, I just receded into myself and I refused to even acknowledge it as part of my story, as part of my testimony, because I was like, I don't like this part of me. And it makes me feel alone because it makes me different. And I don't like this about me. And it was really coming to terms, coming face to face with Jesus and him saying,
• 16:25
  you have epilepsy, like you take medication for epilepsy. It's okay. I know that you have epilepsy and I know your heart. And around the same time actually that I got diagnosed, one of my friends, she got Crohn's disease. She got diagnosed with Crohn's disease at the same time and she was my one person that I could go to. Just, we would have terrible weeks, she would have a treatment and she would call me up and be like, we need to go for a walk because
• 16:53
  I am just so alone right now, and I know that we can't be with each other in the way that we need each other. We can't understand exactly what we're going through, but you more than anyone know that we need to be together and not alone in these times. And so, yeah. So would you say that you...
• 17:12
  recognized that you were feeling lonely in that time? Absolutely not, because I wouldn't even recognize the fact that I have epilepsy. So you said you went inside, though. You didn't reach out to anybody until your friend came along, and by happenstance had Crohn's disease. Do you feel like if she hadn't been diagnosed, would you have eventually reached out to anybody? No.
• 17:29
  I don't think I would have. I think it's taken a lot for me. I know there's a, I did a podcast about living with a chronic disease and that was the first time that I had ever talked about it at all. And that was, you know, five years after I had been diagnosed. Did you find it kind of freeing to talk about? Absolutely. Yeah. And it gave me the opportunity to include it in my testimony too, which is such a huge deal. Like your testimony has power. And I feel like if you're,
• 17:58
  if you have parts of yourself that you don't like and that you're trying to hide and push away, like that part really needs to be a part of your testimony because the Lord has to do a really good thing in that. Yeah. Um, I will definitely say, and I'm trying not to get emotional. Um, yeah. During, um,
• 18:21
  the seasons in my life that I experienced that. I definitely, and I, I, like I said, I went through those phases where I would make those choices and they weren't necessarily productive, but there were so many little, I guess, small traumas as I grew up that I didn't recognize as trauma until I got older and realized why I was making the choices I was making.
• 18:44
  So in the moments that I was experiencing that loneliness, I mean, I knew I was feeling lonely. And that's why I was using different choices of self-harm, manifesting themselves as self-harm as a choice to cope with that, that.
• 19:02
  situation, but I didn't know I was using that as a method to cope. It's more of like punishing myself for feeling that way in a sense. So, um, you know, it started from, you know, small things and self-harm and it grew as an adult into an addiction to a substance. And in my life, I never thought I would get to that point, but it is becoming a greater epidemic with young people
• 19:32
  But in those moments, I'm very fortunate that I had a very real encounter with God when I was 16 years old. Because when you have that moment where God becomes real to you, you will never, ever forget it. And you will never forget.
• 19:49
  It changes every way that you experience life. So even in the moments where I felt the furthest from him, I knew he was there, but I knew I was far from him. And in those moments where I was pretty much near death from those choices of drinking, I knew I was far, but I knew he was with me because he saved my life time and time again from that. And of course...
• 20:17
  I've never actually completely shared it all on a public forum, so this is a similar experience to yours. But I definitely have found freedom in being real with that. Because like you said earlier, Lisa, walking into a room looking like you've got it all together, if you had looked at me over the years that I've been on stage or have been doing things,
• 20:41
  you would never guess that I was struggling so severely or that I had experienced the traumas that I've had in my life. You would never know because there was traumas experienced in light of the choice of drinking too. Um, and there are young children, like young children and, and young adults who are becoming alcoholics at a premature age. Uh,
• 21:03
  And like I said, that is an epidemic in itself. And I think that's the value in me sharing my story and why I encourage people to share their stories or to get the help that they need to speak out. But in the moments, I think I did it because I felt lonely. And it was a way to escape from that because addiction is a comfort zone.
• 21:25
  And the way that you step out of your, the way that you grow in friendship, like we talked about earlier, you look at so many people being friends and you think, they don't want to hear from me. They don't care about who I am or what I have to say. So you isolate yourself. You already disqualified yourself from being worthy of friendship.
• 21:42
  But you have to step out of your comfort zone because that is a comfort zone and say, I'm going to go I'm going to go walk to them and approach them and say, hey, can I join you guys or I love your outfit and then start a conversation. It's the same way with addiction, too. It's a comfort zone. And the only way to get better is stepping out of the comfort zone and getting the help you need.
• 22:01
  But I love, Maggie, how you said that it was in that place of, you know, the addiction that Jesus became real to you. And, you know, the seasons that we go through. And I think that is the most vital thing. You know, all of us...
• 22:17
  experience loneliness and whatever season of life, whatever it looks like for you personally. But, um, you know, we have to remember too, Jesus went through a lonely season. He went through the wilderness for 40 days, which, you know, he was all alone. The Holy spirit was intentional to lead him to that place because it was the battleground for his future. You know, he,
• 22:37
  in that wilderness season for him, he, you know, stepped out of that and into his ministry. And so, you know, I think recognizing those seasons that we go through, but being intentional to ask the Lord what he's wanting to teach us and speak to us to use that season, because, you know, God has a plan for all of us. If we're going through a lonely season, of course, the Lord knew that we were going to walk through that. So, you know, being, having the wisdom in
• 23:07
  lean into the Lord and see, you know, how he wants to grow us, what he wants to teach us. Because like you said, it's, you know, when we overcome with our testimony, now you have, how many people can you help that they have experienced because you've experienced it too. Absolutely.
• 23:23
  That's what's so vital about us sharing our stories. We have to stop painting a picture that everybody in the church is perfect. Because we're not. We're human. It's impossible to be perfect. We can strive for it, but we're never going to attain it. And I'm not saying that the things that brought us to our testimonies are okay, but it's okay to not be okay.
• 23:42
  And whatever you did go through, you went through it for a reason. And God can use anybody. And to tagline on what you're saying, how God took Jesus into the wilderness to prepare him for the cross. I mean, every single person that God used in the Bible was just an everyday person. And they were willing to listen to him and say, okay. Because each one, when we go back through the list...
• 24:05
  I can name them, but it's just immense, had a qualm. They had a shortcoming. One of them had an addiction. Several of them had addictions, but God still used them. And he used them the hardest. And we paint this picture that people like Moses and Paul and Jesus,
• 24:21
  Abraham were these kings and queens and, you know, perfect people. And they weren't, they were everyday people that were just willing to say yes. And that's the encouragement that we can take from that, that they went through their seasons of loneliness too. And arguably before some of the greatest things that they achieved that God did through them. And sometimes we have to go into the wilderness just like they did in Jesus to be ready for what he has for us. Yeah.
• 24:47
  So Lisa, as we wrap up, what is something that you really just want to leave with everybody? Well, first of all, I'm just so encouraged by all of your stories and your authenticity and just talking about everything so genuinely. And it's amazing how we can all relate to loneliness in different ways from different angles. But at the core, we all get that feeling. And my takeaway really from this is,
• 25:14
  Finding your confidence in the Lord and then in turn, you're confident to form those relationships or confident when you don't have those relationships, that you still know who you are and that God has a plan and a purpose. And those seasons can be purposeful. He's preparing you and helping you find what makes your heart sing instead of just going along with all the things that are happening because they're happening. So Casey, what about you? What did you...
• 25:39
  Well, there's a verse in Proverbs that is the Passion Translation, and it says, Blessed is she who knows the season she's in.
• 25:49
  recognizing the seasons that we're in, whether that's a season of loneliness or if it's a mountaintop season, whatever season you're in, bringing it back to Christ and taking that time to seek the Lord, to press in to Him, spend time in His presence, praying, reading the Bible, and letting Him fill you to carry you and sustain you in this season that you're walking through.
• 26:15
  Do you have Maggie as something that you can? Yeah, I think just to combine all of it, I think the biggest takeaway for me, I just can't get past it, is that Jesus is the ultimate companion. And anytime we try to put our companionship in something else, whether that's escape by a substance or some sort of way to escape, as your companion or a person as your companion, you're just going to be let down.
• 26:44
  every time. But the person who will never let you down ever is God. You feel lonely? Okay, take your Bible, go out somewhere, get a cup of coffee, have coffee with Jesus. In that, you can start to rectify, to heal, to find a remedy to that. So Isabella, how about you?
• 27:03
  I think that another important thing is asking Jesus, who are the people that he's placed in your life? We talked a little bit about women coming together, killing competition, and kind of joining together in unity. And I really loved getting to talk about that and about how Jesus puts people in your life for reasons, and he wants people to be a part of your life. He created us for relationship. And so as you get to know Jesus,
• 27:31
  It's sometimes scary to move out of a season of loneliness, but being intentional, like you guys were saying, setting things up with other people and moving forward and asking Jesus to give you bravery. And so I've loved this time with you ladies. It's such a beautiful time when we get to just talk about Jesus and how much we love him and about our testimonies. Thank you so much for being here, for joining us here at iRefresh. Have a fantastic day and go with God.