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Unconditional Love · Curious Cat - where science & supernatural collide

• 0:00
  Jennifer Hotes: You are listening to Curious Cat, a podcast that examines the shadowy space where science and the supernatural collide. And I'm your host, Jennifer Hotes.
• 0:11
  Jennifer Hotes: Join me every week as I examine what it means to be a soul in the meatsuit. Welcome to Curious Cat.
• 0:37
  Jennifer Hotes: Hello, and welcome. Today's episode is the last part of our ongoing conversation about obstacles that impede our spiritual journey. Don't panic if you jumped into this series right at the end; there's no right or wrong at Curious Cat.
• 0:58
  Jennifer Hotes: Today's conversation is all about unconditional love, how to recognize it, how to give it, how to receive it, and most importantly, how to give it to ourselves.
• 1:11
  Jennifer Hotes: I'd like to start with a little exercise. In the spirit of disclosure, I recorded this episode, sent it to my audio engineer, and it just felt disingenuous. It didn't feel like this episode was getting the importance that it deserves.
• 1:32
  Jennifer Hotes: We always overlook something as simple and as complicated as love. So I slept on it. I ran on the treadmill this morning and did a meditation afterwards and it came to me what was missing.
• 1:50
  Jennifer Hotes: I rerecorded the episode, as you're hearing. I hope you find it helpful. That said, I'd like to start out our conversation with a little exercise. Take a deep breath in. Hold it and just release. I love you. In most cases, I may not even know you.
• 2:20
  Jennifer Hotes: But I promise I love you. How did it feel to hear that? Good?
• 2:28
  Jennifer Hotes: Did it feel nice? Or did it stick somewhere? Maybe in your brain? Did it stick in your heart? Did it stick in your gut?
• 2:44
  Jennifer Hotes: Those may be places where you have a block that precludes you from receiving unconditional love. A place that makes you uncomfortable with a message of love. So we're gonna work on that today.
• 3:06
  Jennifer Hotes: Why is unconditional love the key to your spiritual pursuit?
• 3:13
  Jennifer Hotes: Well put simply, you are loved unconditionally. Regarding regardless of your filter of your, you know, most comfortable religious filter. You're loved by the universe, by Jesus, by Buddha, by God, by the God that dwells inside of you. If you bar that love from flowing into you, through you and back to everything else, then you are blocked from all things spiritual.
• 3:52
  Jennifer Hotes: Previously, we talked about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
• 4:04
  Jennifer Hotes: It's portrayed as a pyramid.
• 4:04
  Jennifer Hotes: Here's a quick refresher. The base at the bottom consists of the essentials, food, clothing and shelter. A step up from that is safety. And then right smack dab in the middle is love and belonging. It's critically important. That's why it's right in the middle. If you're stuck there, unable to give or receive love, then there's no way to repel to that uppermost point on the pyramid where all the juicy existential cousins co-mingle including the pursuit of the spiritual. That's why you have to unlock unconditional love.
• 4:59
  Jennifer Hotes: What exactly is unconditional love? I guess an easy way to look at it is starting with what it's not. It's not loving someone in spite of them physically or psychologically hurting you. That is not love; that is never love. Those are actually red flags to move away from that person or situation.
• 5:25
  Jennifer Hotes: If you add any condition to your affection, then it's no longer unconditional. This can include expecting something in return, having affection in circumstances, some circumstances but not others, or love loving parts of someone, but not all. Any of those strings make love conditional.
• 5:49
  Jennifer Hotes: Unconditional Love is when you care about yourself or another without expectation or demand of benefit. It's easier said than done, to be honest.
• 6:01
  Jennifer Hotes: Life hack.com published an article titled, if you think love is always uncontrollable, you don't understand love. In that article, there's a part that says, "Within our society, there seems to be so much pressure to be perfect. That to love ourselves has become a pretty hard task to achieve. But it is the key to total unconditional love of all others." That really hit me. Be warned though, because this can be a bit rough this journey to unlock unconditional love.
• 6:40
  Jennifer Hotes: According to Carrie Hummingbird from the Love Is Fierce episode of a Psychic's Story, which is an incredible podcast. I recommend it. In that episode with Carrie Hummingbird, she says, "In order to experience unconditional love in every cell of your body as an absolute truth, Mother Earth is going to bring you through gritty and painful experiences. Because in order to experience unconditional love, you have to experience not love. You have to experience conditions to love, experience rejection and abandonment and shunning; so much pain in order to understand how you can bring love to yourself and others." So how can you love this way?
• 7:38
  Jennifer Hotes: Unconditional Love is a conscious decision you make every day and in every new situation that comes along.
• 7:46
  Jennifer Hotes: There are no universal rules.
• 7:50
  Jennifer Hotes: You apply this person by person.
• 7:50
  Jennifer Hotes: And you have to be comfortable knowing that love can be uncomfortable sometimes, to truly love someone, you have to take the rough with the smooth.
• 8:05
  Jennifer Hotes: Shielding someone from being uncomfortable is not a sign of unconditional love. Pain and growth are part of life and shielding someone from fear or setting out to make them feel satisfied and happy all of the time. You'll end up doing more harm than good. I did this countless times as a parent, as a friend, also probably as a daughter. I shielded! Which even though my heart was in the right place, barred the other person from growth and claiming their personal power when they realized they endured a situation that was rough. And they were strong enough to figure it out themselves. So unconditional love requires that you let people experience pain so that they will find their own way and grow at their own pace.
• 8:59
  Jennifer Hotes: I can't even begin to explain to you how this resonated with me.
• 9:04
  Jennifer Hotes: It hit me hard. Another way to move towards loving unconditional love? Learn forgiveness. It's not about letting someone walk all over you. It's about choosing to react in a better way, a kinder way for yourself. It's a gift.
• 9:19
  Jennifer Hotes: If someone has hurt you or let you down. Choose forgiveness by letting go of the anger and resentment you have towards them. How you act towards a specific person will change depending on what has happened.
• 9:30
  Jennifer Hotes: And also if you choose to act lovingly, and not hold onto negative feelings. That is actually unconditional love. You can practice unconditional love with simple acts every day.
• 9:42
  Jennifer Hotes: Maybe give something each day without wanting anything in return.
• 9:51
  Jennifer Hotes: I remember way back from my Bible study days the Bible advises you to do such things in secret. Have that unconditional part of the act of kindness or, you know, keep the strings from being in, in the act of kindness and grace. Let someone through the door first. I mean, that's how simple it is. Hold the door open for the person behind you.
• 10:14
  Jennifer Hotes: Make room for another car to merge in a traffic jam. You see a piece of trash in your, on your street in your neighborhood, pick it up. Tell someone you love them without expectation of hearing it back.
• 10:31
  Jennifer Hotes: I mean, really do a gut check.
• 10:31
  Jennifer Hotes: You don't want to have strings, hoping that they'll say it back.
• 10:34
  Jennifer Hotes: Do something every day. And even though you desire nothing in return, you'll be sprinkled with love. If you are a people pleaser, which I relate to, which I mean, many people do.
• 10:52
  Jennifer Hotes: You're probably more comfortable giving love to other people rather than yourself. If you constantly aim to please please others you may be lacking self love. So give yourself unconditional love first. Or at least think about giving yourself unconditional love first. Even if you're a close second, that's a victory, I think. All right, be honest. Did it sound impossible?
• 11:22
  Jennifer Hotes: Yeah, well, I learned some hard lessons about this. And what it came down to was my toxic inner dialogue. It's hard to love yourself unconditionally when the soundtrack in your head is like a steady stream of snarky mean girl comments. You have to change that voice into someone that loves you no matter what.
• 11:44
  Jennifer Hotes: Why don't we talk to ourselves like we do our best friend? We can! It's possible and worth doing. We just have to retrain ourselves. From ReflectAffirm.com, they have an article called, How to Change Your inner Voice. They say when your inner dialogue is harsh, it's usually because you're repeating things you heard from your parents or other authority figures growing up. If the criticism goes too far, it can discourage you from trying and steal your joy and confidence.
• 12:19
  Jennifer Hotes: They suggest some techniques to break free from the voices in your head. Step one, make friends with yourself. Your inner critic will sound less scary if you remember that it wants to protect you from failure and other possible dangers. It's just, it's like our caveman selves. Some people call it our monkey selves. It's just too loud in this day and age. But we haven't changed the volume knob. So learn how to put it to work FOR instead of AGAINST you. You do that by increasing your awareness. You may be so used to your inner critic that you hardly think about what it's saying. I call that being mama deaf. Change your relationship by endeavoring to understand what it wants to tell you also look back.
• 13:13
  Jennifer Hotes: What's your first memory of your inner critic? I did a little exercise for myself before doing this episode. And I really searched my gut. And my first memory of my inner critic was when I was five, I was leaving my father to spend the school year with my mom. And it was that situation where everybody's standing in a parking lot.
• 13:36
  Jennifer Hotes: They're doing the kids swap and I'm trying not to cry, but I bawled my face off. And my mom looked at me and my inner voice told me I'd better stop crying because my mother would think I loved my father more than her because I hadn't cried when I'd left my mother at the beginning of the summer. But that's because I'd been with her for nine months. I didn't understand that as a kid. So for years after it, this pattern continued. But then recently, I realized I had been projecting all that on my mother. She'd never said or even hinted as much. So going back to the step of looking back, it's no wonder my inner critic sounds like my mother. I guess I owe her an apology. Apology forthcoming Mom. Healing family issues on other matters can help you move on to possibly another step they recommend which is to focus on growth. Maybe your inner voice says you're bad at math because you failed math test in second grade. In reality, you are not stuck in your past. You've moved on since second grade. So adopt a growth mindset that enables you to become whatever you want, as long as you're willing to put in the work to get their aim higher, you might also find that your inner critic is easier to deal with, if you keep a deeper purpose in mind. When you're working for something bigger than yourself, you can accept your self doubts without being overcome by them. And finally, try meditation. I know it's not for everyone, but many find that meditation helps them make their self talk more comforting and motivating. Let go of judgments and connect with your inner goodness. The other thing meditation is fantastic for is simply getting used to those voices in your head, and they're always impeding your progress.
• 16:14
  Jennifer Hotes: Through meditation, you'll learn to ignore your inner voice. The meditation guide will say, just take that thought, acknowledge it and swipe it away, like you swipe an iPad screen. And so you begin to learn to kind of mute your inner voice in a sense, or at least put it to the back row and say, excuse me, it's not time for you right now. Step two, they say in this article of how to change your inner voice, and work on silencing your inner critic is on the other hand, there are times when you just need a break. If you're and I kind of alluded to that with the meditation, right? If your self talk is making you anxious and depressed, you can find relief by seeking distractions, shift your attention elsewhere, like take a walk on a nature or read a book, spend time doing anything that you enjoy. That'll sort of quiet the interview voice. How about distance yourself, turn down the volume by imagining that your inner critic is speaking to someone else instead of you. You might be shocked. Because if you think about those words, being pelted at someone you love, you're gonna be horrified. I talked to myself that way. Take any statement and replace the personal pronouns with like a funny name. And maybe that can objectify the inner voice.
• 18:10
  Jennifer Hotes: Identify triggers, give yourself advanced warning. Yeah, figure out the situations where your inner critic is likely to appear. You might be sensitive about going on a first date or taking a risk, like I'm trying something new a new skill, or maybe criticism from your boss, or how you look in a certain outfit. A trigger for me is definitely when I'm not taken seriously. If my well researched, informed opinion is not taken as deeply thought out and felt. I am susceptible to negative self talk. And now that I know that I can temper what's going on in my head when I'm bristling at someone's perceived reaction of something I've said and it helps me to lay down common sense and kind of quiet that inner critic that that is often wrong. Right? That's the other thing. Look at that. If it was a baseball player, yeah, it'd be a success. But in any other sport, it would be booted out.
• 19:17
  Jennifer Hotes: It's important to correct the exaggerations of your inner voice. Your house will not be condemned because you were too busy to sweep for a couple of days. I mean, keep things in perspective, by ensuring that your self talk is accurate. It always exaggerates. I'm the worst. I'm the fattest, I'm the ugliest. I'm the you know, whatever. Everybody's looking at me. That's the worst one when you're a teenager and you're like, I had this thing on my face. And how many people saw me today and were shocked by it?
• 19:50
  Jennifer Hotes: Well, the truth is everybody was so self-involved, they didn't notice. But you know, we just have to call it out. Let's put it in perspective. Use affirmations. Affirmations aren't just for pillows in that John Green novel that we all know. Repeating positive affirmations can give you a boost and when you feel down, this can be a bit of a fake it till you make it. But even cringy is an improvement over toxic self talk. Remember your worth, being tough on yourself, erodes your self esteem, shore it back up by telling yourself that you deserve to be happy and successful. And again, a little bit of fake it till you make it right. But it's better than that toxic tape recorder in your head. Build support. While you need to value yourself and helps to have others in your corner.
• 20:46
  Jennifer Hotes: Surround yourself with family and friends who make you feel positive about yourself and opportunities. Take control of your self talk, treat yourself with compassion and keep striving to neutralize your inner voice. When I set out to do this episode, I was sort of shocked at how lopsided the conversation was and how much of it really came down to how we love ourselves and that toxic inner voice.
• 21:20
  Jennifer Hotes: I have one final exercise before we say goodbye. Let's breathe in again together. Hold that breath. And then exhale. All right, if you're not driving a car or riding a bike, close your eyes. And picture a time when you were a little child and you felt sad. Maybe alone, maybe in need. Maybe in need of a hug or just the sense that someone sees your pain and cares. Picture that moment, every detail. You.
• 22:42
  Jennifer Hotes: The surroundings. Picture your breath. Picture what you're wearing. How did it smell? What temperature was it? Now, right now where you're at right now.
• 23:22
  Jennifer Hotes: Send yourself, your younger self, unconditional love.
• 23:34
  Jennifer Hotes: Imagine it being a bright ball of liquid gold. It glimmers.
• 23:47
  Jennifer Hotes: Send that ball of love to yourself. Heal that child in I hope you found our conversation helpful. I hope it that moment! Sometime, revisit that memory, that experience.
• 24:01
  Jennifer Hotes: lets you break free of any of those old ways, those broken ways of not accepting love and withholding that love from yourself. I promise this is worth achieving. It's a game When you do, I think you'll feel that, that sense of something changer. And I think that after all the work we've done, the least we can do is give ourselves a pat on the back and else in that moment, reaching out and giving you a package of a little burst of unconditional love.
• 24:31
  Jennifer Hotes: I'd like to know your thoughts on this subject your challenges your doubts, what making changes in this area has done for your unconditional love. It's a gift we can give ourselves even life. Drop me a line would you?
• 24:44
  Jennifer Hotes: Thank you for listening to Curious Cat. If you like the content, stories and information. I'd be grateful if you could like and review us on your favorite streaming service.
• 24:53
  Jennifer Hotes: looking back in the past. Even looking forward in the future.
• 24:57
  Jennifer Hotes: It'll help others find us as well. I have a special treat for the first one 100 people that send a DM of a photo giving us a rating or a thumbs up on your favorite streaming device If there's something that you're endeavoring to do this week, because I've made up stickers with the amazing podcast cover art. And I would love to send you one of those for free if you're in the continental United States, actually even Hawaii.
• 25:21
  Jennifer Hotes: today, this year, whatever. send yourself a little ball of First 100 People will receive a free sticker if they post and submit to me in a DM that photo.
• 25:30
  Jennifer Hotes: Huge gratitude for my art unconditional love right now so that you feel fortified, you director and audio engineer. If you're in need of those services, please find their links in the show notes. Also, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. You feel supported, you feel loved.
• 25:47
  Jennifer Hotes: And you're opening up the would miss my cringy crying my goofy pauses I mean, it's really awkward at the beginning isn't it? I'm hoping by episode 10 I calmed down and I get a little better at this but thanks for channel so that the rest of us can lean in and love on you as well.
• 26:02
  Jennifer Hotes: bearing with me as I've learned this whole process. Join the curious cat conversation on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.
• 26:11
  Jennifer Hotes: Until next time, stay curious! I love you.