Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 216. Why Your Marriage Can't Survive Without BOTH The "Emotional" And "Physical" Intimacy

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216. Why Your Marriage Can't Survive Without BOTH The "Emotional" And "Physical" Intimacy · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Amy: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Amy: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Amy: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Amy: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
0:44
Nick: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is why your Marriage Can't Survive Without Both Emotional and.
0:55
Nick: Physical Intimacy.
0:56
Nick: I already can see a lot of you rolling your eyes and saying this is a bunch of crap.
1:04
Nick: My husband doesn't need sexual intimacy, it's not a need, it's a want.
1:10
Nick: Or my wife doesn't need emotional intimacy.
1:13
Nick: I mean, all right, women, how do you know what your husband needs or doesn't need?
1:20
Nick: And, man, how do you know what your wife needs and what they don't need?
1:25
Nick: Like you don't, you're not a woman, and women, you're not men.
1:29
Nick: So you don't understand how important and that's why Amy and I are here, because I'm a man and I'm identifying as a man and Amy is a woman and so we're going to speak on both men's and women's needs, emotionally and physically.
1:45
Nick: And yeah, how was that intro?
1:49
Amy: It sounded like you're a little fired up.
1:51
Nick: Oh, I'm fired.
1:52
Amy: Which you don't usually get.
1:54
Nick: No, I just.
1:55
Nick: We get so many comments, mostly from women, that are like all your videos.
2:01
Nick: You guys just say that a man he doesn't, that he needs sex and he doesn't need sex.
2:08
Nick: That's just a one.
2:09
Nick: And I'm like, dude lady, your, your husband, needs sex.
2:13
Nick: Maybe there's some men out there that don't, but most men need sex.
2:18
Nick: And yeah, he's not going to die.
2:21
Nick: It's not like he's, you know, like eating food where if he doesn't get it he's going to die.
2:25
Nick: But your relationship will die Like that is a way a man feels loved is through sexual intimacy.
2:32
Nick: And Amy's smiling at me like you are, your psycho.
2:37
Nick: No, what are you talking about?
2:41
Amy: No, I totally agree with you.
2:42
Nick: You do.
2:43
Nick: I absolutely agree with you.
2:44
Amy: I've never been a man.
2:45
Amy: But I totally agree, it's a need.
2:47
Nick: Thank goodness.
2:49
Amy: And you know, I know.
2:50
Nick: Yeah.
2:51
Amy: No, I know, you know, and you know what I need and you know what's important.
2:54
Amy: So I I wish that we could.
2:58
Amy: I wish we could just shake some people and just be like, why don't you get it?
3:06
Amy: But we can't do that.
3:08
Nick: Yeah, and the comment we get from a lot of women is well, I shouldn't say the comments.
3:13
Nick: We get a lot of comments, but I think for a lot of women their attitude is like my body physically doesn't need sex, therefore I'm not going to have sex, right?
3:24
Amy: I'm not going to do something I don't want to do.
3:25
Nick: I'm not going to do something I don't want to?
3:27
Amy: do, except for your husband goes to work every day and he probably doesn't want to do that.
3:30
Nick: Yeah, he does a lot of things he probably doesn't want to do, but he does it because he loves you and the family.
3:35
Nick: Now we're not in any way saying that like, oh, you should.
3:39
Amy: No, we're not.
3:40
Nick: You should have sex when you don't want to work.
3:43
Nick: What we're saying is you need to open up your mindset about how important sexual intimacy is to most husbands out there, and we're going to get in before you turn it off really quick.
3:59
Amy: If you've never even listened to us, maybe this is your first time and we just scared you away.
4:02
Amy: We're going to talk about how the relationship needs to be strong emotionally and safe, and you have to have trust, and it has to be a good marriage and your husband has to be a good person in order to feel like this.
4:15
Amy: Why?
4:15
Nick: you need both emotional and sexual intimacy.
4:18
Nick: The whole purpose of marriage is serving one another and that's how you show love.
4:23
Nick: You want to do things for your spouse.
4:26
Nick: A lot of times I do things for Amy that I'm not like jumping up and down to do, but I do them because I know it's important to her and it makes her happy and I want her to be happy.
4:35
Nick: Oh, you can't put me on the spot like this, because then I got to think Hold on.
4:39
Nick: Let me finish what I thought, then we'll get to that.
4:41
Nick: But my point is we do things in marriage often that we maybe don't want to do, but that is how we show love for our spouse.
4:51
Nick: And final, final thought on this If you, if something is important to your spouse, it should be important to you.
4:59
Nick: So, if Emotional intimacy and talking and different things are important to your wife, husbands, you need to, that should be important to you, to to prioritize and make time for that, and vice versa, if sexual intimacy and physical connection is important to your husband, then that should be important to you and you should find balance on how to, you know, find a good, a good balance that works for both of you.
5:24
Nick: Who, oh man, I'm done.
5:28
Nick: Yeah, I'm done for a sec.
5:30
Amy: Okay, now what I want?
5:31
Amy: The question answered.
5:32
Nick: What was the question?
5:33
Amy: again, I don't remember all the things that you do for me that you don't want to do, Like oh so I go, so I go to the store.
5:40
Amy: I do that too.
5:41
Nick: I know, but I know that Amy hates going to the store.
5:44
Amy: I still do it.
5:45
Nick: I'm.
5:45
Nick: My point is I know you hate going to the store so often I say, hey, babe, I'll go to the store or give me a list.
5:51
Amy: Oh, I just thought that was like half your job, oh.
5:55
Nick: Let's okay.
6:00
Amy: Okay, I was.
6:01
Amy: I'm just totally back to keep in school.
6:03
Amy: I'm totally joking right now.
6:05
Amy: This is where it gets tricky and this is where open communication begins.
6:11
Amy: Now, nick just got done saying and this is where we're gonna have a discussion, this is where it gets real between us, because we can say all day long that sexual intimacy is important and emotional intimacy is important, correct?
6:21
Nick: And we're talking about why your marriage needs both Yep.
6:24
Amy: Why your marriage needs both.
6:25
Amy: Okay For a husband.
6:30
Amy: Okay, how do I?
6:31
Amy: What do I start this?
6:32
Amy: See, I feel maybe this is wrong.
6:36
Amy: This is just my thoughts.
6:37
Amy: I Feel like emotional connection just needs to be the base layer, like it just needs to be the foundation.
6:45
Amy: It's literally not what your at your wife is like oh, talk to me, respect me, listen to me.
6:51
Amy: No, that, just that.
6:52
Amy: That's just needs to be a marriage need.
6:54
Amy: That need that shouldn't be a wife need.
6:56
Amy: That should be like I am a good spouse need, like I'm trying to have a good marriage and that is part of marriage, like I'm committed to my spouse.
7:04
Nick: That is a marriage need but but most couples aren't doing that most couples, In fact.
7:09
Nick: I just saw an article I read this morning From someone that we we work with that talked about how the average couple talks like a couple minutes a day is all.
7:19
Nick: So this is a problem that is happening and a lot of times we get so busy so couples aren't talking.
7:26
Nick: That's the whole point.
7:27
Amy: I'm saying it's a marriage need.
7:29
Amy: Yes that is a marriage need.
7:31
Amy: Yeah that's not just a need for a wife, like all go, I want to make love to you because you talked to me or you Listen to me.
7:38
Amy: That's a marriage need.
7:39
Amy: That's not a wife need, like Husbands.
7:41
Amy: You need that too.
7:43
Amy: Your marriage needs to be talking to your spouse Like that's important for both of you.
7:48
Amy: That needs to be important for both of you.
7:49
Amy: You don't just like I'm gonna go talk and listen to my wife.
7:53
Amy: That like that.
7:56
Amy: That should just be a marriage need.
7:58
Amy: Do you know what I'm trying?
7:59
Nick: to say, yeah, yeah, that's to be the foundation, like and the way you're fired up about the sexual intimacy.
8:05
Amy: But I get fired about about this because, like all to all share a post like I got destroyed on the other day telling men to be, to be more helpful, to be more, be respectful to their wife, to, to listen, those basic things and they're like, oh, what is she doing for me?
8:21
Amy: Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah.
8:22
Amy: Like those are common sense Marriage needs.
8:27
Amy: Like every like, if you're not doing those, it's not for your wife, it's for your marriage.
8:32
Amy: Like that's just part of being a good person right, it is.
8:37
Nick: But right yeah, how many emails do we get on a weekly basis from Someone typically husbands that say, man, I, I do everything for my wife, I do the dishes, I do this, I do this, I do this and she won't have anything to do with me Sexually?
8:54
Amy: because dishes aren't something you do for your wife.
8:58
Nick: No, I know.
8:59
Amy: Cleaning chore, plate chores is not something you do for your wife, that is something you do for your family, that is something you do for the marriage.
9:06
Nick: I understand, but what I'm saying is there are husbands out there that feel like they are taking, feel like they have a really good emotional Foundation where they spend time talking to their wife and and asking them how they feel and what they can do for them, and they, they put forth all this effort to try to have that amazing foundation that we're talking about, but then there's no reciprocation yes, and we're gonna, I'm gonna get to that.
9:36
Amy: So what I'm, what I'm trying to say is those, the respect and and the talking and the listening and the basic needs for the marriage Shouldn't take place of her love language.
9:46
Amy: Okay, that's what I'm trying to say.
9:47
Amy: Those are basic marriage needs.
9:49
Amy: Now, now I this is where it gets hard, because, yeah, some wives are like, well, I'm the higher drive, and some husbands are like I don't have the high-sex drive and I know there's all these different things, but like talking about a husband, that's like I need more sexual needs because that's what we hear most of.
10:05
Amy: So that's.
10:06
Nick: That's the majority.
10:06
Nick: This is why we're talking.
10:07
Nick: We understand there's exceptions.
10:09
Amy: There's always exceptions you can turn it around if you need to in your marriage.
10:12
Amy: But if a husband's like I'm doing this, this, this and this for her and yet I still get nothing, then stop looking at the.
10:22
Amy: I'm listening, I'm talking, let's, let's go above and beyond.
10:26
Amy: That is what I'm trying to say.
10:27
Amy: Okay, so those are basic marriage needs.
10:30
Amy: So if the marriage doesn't seem amazing because you're giving that, then let's try a step further.
10:36
Amy: And I'm not saying you should have a list of stuff that you have to do in order to be intimate, like I'm not saying that at all.
10:41
Amy: And a healthy marriage, those things come natural, right.
10:43
Amy: But I'm just saying, okay, oh, if a husband really wants to be intimate, like that's how he feels loved, like physical touch, that's his love language.
10:52
Amy: Doing the dishes for your wife, or whatever.
10:55
Amy: Or or just being respectful or listening, that's we got to go past that and do like, think about real love language, like is she gifts?
11:05
Amy: Like can you give her a gift once in a while?
11:07
Amy: Or, like you said, is there something that I can do for you on top of those just basic marriage needs?
11:14
Amy: That's more romantic, okay, so, like you feel romance from sexual your wife wanting to be intimate with you, right?
11:23
Amy: Maybe romance for us isn't just doing the dishes or just doing those basic marriage needs, maybe it's taking it just a little step further.
11:32
Amy: That's all I'm trying to say, right?
11:33
Amy: That's what.
11:35
Amy: I'm trying to say yeah.
11:37
Amy: So it really comes down to doing the basic needs together in marriage and not really counting the stuff that should already be there.
11:45
Amy: But then counting, like, where am I taking this a step further?
11:48
Amy: How can I be better for you?
11:50
Amy: Like, for you, if that's your love language, initiating would be taking that a step further.
11:54
Amy: Not just making love to you, but initiating, really prioritizing that right.
11:58
Amy: And for a woman, her love language might be hey, if you would show up with flowers once in a while, or if you cleaned my car, or just like something that means a lot to her.
12:10
Amy: Like, and it's all going to be different, right?
12:12
Nick: Yeah, and in very healthy relationships they can have those conversations and say, hey, what do you need for me?
12:19
Nick: Where are we off?
12:20
Nick: Why are we out of balance?
12:21
Nick: But there's a lot of, I think, men listening out there that are saying, well, I do all these things, I do all these things and my wife still doesn't realize the importance of sexual intimacy.
12:32
Amy: And that's not okay.
12:33
Nick: And that's why we're talking about, I think, in this podcast episode is why you need both of them, like why it's not okay for a wife.
12:41
Nick: So, so for many women not all, but for many women they just don't have the sexual desire, the sexual drive that we as husbands have and you know what I'm talking about because you're a low desire spouse, right.
12:56
Nick: So in their minds they're like all they know is what they feel.
13:01
Nick: So in their minds they're like oh, I just have no desire for this and I feel like my husband doesn't need sex, it's just something that he wants.
13:09
Nick: Therefore, because I have no desire for it, I'm basically controlling when and if sex ever happens.
13:17
Nick: Well, the problem with that is from a husband's standpoint, and I can tell you 1000%, because this is exactly how I feel If, if the sexual intimacy is cut off, then we as husbands naturally withdraw emotionally.
13:34
Nick: So, naturally now we're like well, golf, we're not getting the sexual intimacy.
13:41
Nick: I'm not it's it's.
13:42
Nick: It's almost like a natural response to where, like you know why am I going to provide ABC and D?
13:49
Nick: And I'm not saying it's right, but I'm saying that's naturally what most men do, is they pull away and say well, all right, I'm not putting forth any effort.
13:59
Nick: If she's not going to care about my needs, she doesn't make me feel love, she doesn't desire me.
14:05
Nick: Then why am I, why am I going to put forth the effort to continue to try to pursue, to continue to try to meet her needs and just continually get rejected?
14:18
Amy: And many husbands just try to keep meeting her needs, just because they're good men, right, and they just keep giving and giving, and giving, and giving and giving.
14:26
Amy: Some, some of these men, 20, 30 years and, like my wife, hasn't been into me in years right.
14:31
Nick: And some of these men never stop until they're finally like I'm going to file for divorce.
14:36
Amy: Like I literally can't take it anymore.
14:37
Nick: Yeah, I can't take it anymore and they're trying up to the last second.
14:40
Nick: I mean, we have, we have people email us and say, you know, I'm continuously trying, I'm continuously trying to get my wife to understand how important this is.
14:51
Nick: I'm trying to meet her needs and just, you know, giving it all that they got.
14:57
Nick: And again, if this, this, the physical intimacy, isn't important to their spouse and their spouse is shutting that off, but I don't, you know, it's going to be really difficult for the marriage to last.
15:11
Amy: Absolutely, I totally, I totally agree with that.
15:14
Amy: I'm just saying I hope that some men will look past it, past the.
15:18
Amy: I'm talking to her, I'm listening to her, I'm I do stuff around the house like those.
15:23
Amy: I'm just saying those should already be being done regardless.
15:27
Amy: I'm just saying maybe try stepping up the romance a little.
15:30
Amy: Are you planning a romantic date?
15:32
Amy: Are you?
15:32
Amy: Are you having fun with her?
15:34
Amy: Are you?
15:35
Amy: Do you even know her love language?
15:36
Amy: Are you be romantic once in a while?
15:40
Amy: Are you opening all their like?
15:42
Amy: Just, maybe we can all just step it up a notch, is what I'm trying to say?
15:47
Amy: Like maybe women could do a better job at initiating and showing their spouse that they actually desire them, even if they're not in the mood.
15:54
Amy: That's what four play is for.
15:56
Amy: There's a lot of mornings where I'm like you know what you're so amazing, I'm just going to initiate at 9am, I'm going to say, hey, we're going to make love later tonight, and then I have all day long to get myself in the mindset for it, and I know that physically I can get there if I'm mentally already there, right.
16:12
Amy: So maybe husbands can step it up a little bit in the romance department, because the emotional intimacy in a good marriage should already be strong.
16:20
Nick: Yeah, so let's just get to the basics.
16:22
Nick: Let's talk about emotional intimacy for a sec and what.
16:26
Nick: What causes a good emotional connection or having good emotional intimacy.
16:33
Nick: So emotional connect when you're emotionally connected, you're understanding each other right, you're talking with each other, you're supporting each other in everything.
16:45
Nick: If something's important to your spouse, you're supporting them in that, whether it's a hobby or work or whatever, you're sharing your feelings.
16:53
Nick: You're not just your feelings, but you're sharing your deep, deep fears, your dreams, like vulnerabilities, like you're getting into those deep discussions and opening up and sharing even, even, I think, the scary things in marriage, right, right.
17:12
Nick: And when you do this, when you open up and be that vulnerable, you're going to gain a bond, you're going to gain a trust that you just continues to get deeper and deeper.
17:25
Nick: You're going to gain security in the relationship.
17:29
Amy: So I really think it comes down.
17:31
Amy: I really think emotional intimacy comes down to that sense of security and trust.
17:36
Nick: Yes.
17:36
Amy: It really does, Because when you can leave the house and know that my spouse loves me more than anything, they're going to think about me during the day, they're going to miss me during the day.
17:46
Amy: They're going to come home and want to be with me.
17:49
Amy: That's some really good emotional intimacy.
17:53
Nick: You just explained everything I felt while you were gone for an hour.
17:59
Amy: Oh my gosh.
18:01
Nick: That's funny.
18:02
Amy: Well, she's playing pick-a-ball.
18:03
Amy: Yes, it's like wait, you were gone.
18:04
Nick: Oh, you were gone, I didn't notice.
18:05
Nick: Yeah, I did, of course I noticed.
18:07
Nick: I was totally missing you.
18:08
Nick: I almost called you, partially because I was locked out of the garage and the battery was dead.
18:13
Nick: Oh, I guess Amy's not here and I couldn't get in, but I would have also said how much I missed you.
18:18
Nick: So without emotional intimacy, couples are going to feel distant, disconnected, misunderstood and just.
18:28
Nick: I mean, I think all of you know what it feels like to be disconnected emotionally.
18:33
Amy: Absolutely.
18:34
Amy: Silent treatment, those toxic moments.
18:37
Amy: You're super disconnected.
18:39
Nick: So let's talk about physical intimacy and why physical intimacy is so important.
18:44
Nick: So obviously, physical intimacy is the most vulnerable.
18:48
Nick: I don't want to say position, because that's probably not there's many positions, but physical intimacy.
18:56
Amy: It's trying so hard to be serious.
18:59
Nick: Physical intimacy and being completely vulnerable.
19:03
Amy: Physical intimacy is not sexual intimacy.
19:05
Amy: Are we talking about physical or sexual?
19:07
Nick: Well.
19:08
Amy: Physical is definitely different.
19:10
Nick: Okay, let's.
19:11
Amy: Nick likes to think that physical means sexual, because he thinks his love language is physical, intimate.
19:16
Amy: Missy, what means?
19:17
Nick: What's that To him?
19:18
Nick: Only means sex.
19:19
Nick: Let's get physical, physical.
19:21
Nick: What does that mean?
19:22
Amy: I have to always remind him that that's not a love language.
19:25
Amy: Sex is not a love language, but it's another, deeper level of a love language.
19:29
Nick: Okay, I'm gonna edit.
19:31
Amy: You don't need to edit anything.
19:33
Amy: Let's talk about sexual intimacy, Sexual intimacy.
19:35
Nick: Yes, Like I said, complete vulnerability.
19:38
Nick: I mean you're barren at all.
19:39
Nick: You're showing everything.
19:41
Nick: It's an expression of love between you and your spouse and it's an essential way to express love, desire and passion.
19:51
Nick: That's how I express my love, desire and passion for you is through making love.
19:55
Nick: Can't you tell when we're making love like, how much I love you?
19:59
Nick: See, there you go.
20:02
Amy: I don't really wanna picture this for anybody.
20:06
Nick: I didn't say picture this for anyone.
20:10
Amy: Yes, I hope that your sexual intimacy is very connected, because if it wasn't connected, then it's just sex.
20:16
Amy: There's a really big difference between sex and marriage, and sexual intimacy and marriage and all those things he just described is sexual intimacy.
20:24
Amy: If it's not intimate, if it's not connecting, it's just sex, and that's the whole problem.
20:31
Amy: And in this whole entire thing.
20:32
Amy: This is what I wanna get to.
20:33
Amy: It's never going to be sexual intimacy, that connected intimate sex, if you don't already have a strong emotional intimacy.
20:41
Amy: The emotional intimacy, or what I call marriage needs, just needs to be had first, needs to be strong, in order for the sex to be passionate In a marriage.
20:53
Amy: In a healthy, monotonous, long-term marriage, you've gotta keep that emotional intimacy strong or it's not gonna stay passionate.
21:02
Nick: Agreed 100%, and most husbands out there don't want to just have sex.
21:07
Nick: They don't.
21:08
Nick: Many women are thinking, yeah, my husband just wants sex.
21:11
Nick: No, they don't.
21:12
Nick: If you, we've done a poll and we'll have to pull it up somewhere.
21:15
Nick: But men in fact I think it was in the 90% Men don't just wanna have sex, they want to be desired.
21:27
Nick: They want it to be connected.
21:31
Nick: Fill in the blank, yeah.
21:34
Amy: I'm filling it in for you because we took the poll and you've probably already heard all our answers that we got from husbands, right yeah?
21:41
Nick: exactly.
21:41
Nick: It isn't just about sex.
21:43
Nick: It's about connecting at a deeper level.
21:45
Nick: It's about being desired, it's about being wanted and so much more.
21:50
Nick: That's the way a husband feels loved.
21:53
Amy: I've said this a thousand times, so the way a wife feels loved is for that emotional connection to already be strong in the marriage, but then for you to go beyond and above that a little bit and be a little more romantic.
22:06
Amy: That's how a woman feels love Like.
22:09
Amy: You're actually speaking my love language.
22:12
Amy: You're actually not just giving me the bare minimum in this marriage, but you're actually like making an effort to still be the person that I, that you, were when we got married.
22:21
Amy: See, that's what a woman wants.
22:23
Amy: She's like yeah, well, you talked to me all the time when we were dating and falling in love.
22:27
Amy: Yeah, you listened to me all the time.
22:28
Amy: That's all you ever wanted.
22:29
Amy: But you were romantic back then.
22:32
Amy: That's a different step.
22:33
Amy: You did this, you did this little things, you wrote me a love note or you showed up with something like that's the next step.
22:41
Amy: That's what a woman wants.
22:43
Amy: I'm just trying to advocate for the women here.
22:47
Nick: I agree, but there's a lot of women that are getting that, that still have the attitude like oh.
22:52
Nick: I just not the mood for sex, and so we won't have it.
22:55
Amy: So, I'm just saying we're just, we're here to try and find that balance for you guys like help, help find the balance.
23:01
Nick: And I love that you just said balance, because there has to be a balance.
23:04
Nick: If one of them is off, then your marriage is not going to survive long term.
23:10
Nick: It's just not.
23:12
Nick: You have to find balance.
23:13
Nick: Balance doesn't mean perfect.
23:15
Nick: Balance means find something that works for both of you.
23:19
Nick: You know, I mean I would love to make love to Amy every day of the week, but I know that that's not realistic, right?
23:28
Nick: I?
23:28
Amy: just know that is love to him every two weeks because I have to say you're a sex drive.
23:32
Nick: But so what we figured out is two times a week works for us and it works right, like it's not ideal for her, it's not ideal for me, but we're both happy because I respect how she feels.
23:42
Amy: She really every single day, you're full of it.
23:45
Nick: What.
23:46
Amy: What Are you serious?
23:48
Amy: Every single day?
23:50
Amy: Men would want to do it every single day.
23:52
Nick: I'm dead serious.
23:53
Amy: Wouldn't it get boring after a while?
23:54
Amy: Would it not be quite as exciting if you didn't have to build up for a couple days?
23:58
Amy: Come on, just be honest.
24:02
Amy: Every single day.
24:03
Amy: Even you've admitted to me that every we tried the seven day challenge and you're like, yeah, this just isn't as good as day one like I know, I made it six days.
24:10
Amy: Every yeah, but even day four or five, it was like again, like you have to give yourselves, your bodies, a little bit of breaks.
24:18
Amy: So it can be, it can stay exciting too.
24:22
Nick: Yeah, when I say every day, I'm speaking in behalf of a broad picture for many men.
24:30
Amy: I don't think most men want it every day.
24:32
Amy: I think some men, I think most men would be happy to just get it once a week.
24:36
Nick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree.
24:37
Nick: Okay, if you know my personality, you know that I exaggerate or I make comments that are sarcastic.
24:45
Nick: I don't need to make love every day.
24:47
Nick: The point I was trying to make is you have one side that wants it more often, you have one side that wants it left soft, and how do you find a balance that works for both of you?
24:56
Nick: Might not be ideal, but it's something you both can be like.
24:59
Nick: Hey, I recognize this is what their needs are.
25:02
Nick: So you know I want to find that balance.
25:06
Nick: So I love that you talk about finding balance and finding what works, and you need to talk about it.
25:13
Nick: You need to talk about both your physical intimacy and all the components of the physical intimacy in your relationship, and you need to talk about the emotional intimacy and how you can improve.
25:22
Nick: The first thing you should do as a couple after listening to this podcast episode is sit down and say how do we find a better balance in our relationship, with both our sexual and emotional intimacy, and listen to each other.
25:37
Nick: Listen to your wife's needs that she has as to how you can be a better husband and fulfill the needs that she has, and vice versa.
25:48
Amy: Totally agree with you, babe, totally agree with you.
25:51
Amy: I absolutely believe that, and I say this a lot on social media.
25:59
Amy: I absolutely believe that men are easy to please.
26:01
Amy: I really do.
26:02
Amy: For the most part, most good men are pretty easy to please.
26:07
Amy: They just want to feel desired a couple times a week, right, and that makes them pretty happy and they're willing to completely step up their game.
26:16
Amy: Like I hear from Sony Men, I would treat her like the utmost queen of the world if she would treat me like a king just once in a while.
26:23
Amy: And I truly believe that most good husbands feel like that if they're feeling prioritized.
26:30
Amy: And that's probably why you're so good at showing the strong emotional intimacy and the romance that step above, because I try to treat you like a queen, like a king.
26:42
Amy: I didn't mean to say that.
26:43
Nick: I mean, I guess you could treat me like a queen, but it's not what I would prefer.
26:50
Amy: You know what I'm saying, though.
26:51
Amy: Like I really really think that if women would prioritize it and just be like you know, this is really important to my husband because, like you said at the very beginning, we've never been men, unless you've had a really strong test drive, sex drive which some of our friends have said.
27:08
Amy: They've gotten the testosterone shot and it's made them the high drive spouse and they've finally, in the first time in their life, understood what men go through because their sex drive skyrocketed.
27:18
Amy: Some of those women out there are like yeah, like it sucks to be rejected, like really, really bad.
27:27
Nick: Yeah, as we said in previous podcasts and, if you're new to the podcast, we've had a couple people that have shared with us.
27:32
Nick: They're like I know exactly how my husband feels.
27:35
Nick: It was the husband rejecting him because the wife was then wanting it Such a high drive.
27:39
Nick: All the time and they're just like I was going crazy, like I literally wanted it so bad, and so it's funny to get the roles reversed, and one of the comments one of them made is I will never reject my husband again, because I know how it feels.
27:57
Amy: And so the point is is like, like I haven't had that strong of a desire, like my body is not built to have a physical need, to need a physical release every so often, like I'm not a man I don't know how that feels I can't tell him that he doesn't need sex or that sex shouldn't be important to him.
28:15
Amy: If I've never been a man Like I can't do that.
28:19
Amy: So all these women are just like.
28:20
Amy: Sex is not a need blah, blah, blah.
28:22
Amy: Sex is an absolute need for a marriage because it's number one how God made us, that's how we made marriage.
28:31
Amy: I mean, we talk about these emotional sexual intimacy games and I just want to like I think we're trying to wrap this up.
28:36
Amy: But the women I'm going to switch this for the high drive wives right now, because I know we need to do an entire podcast on that soon, but there's not.
28:44
Amy: It's I think it's about 20 25% of our audience we've heard is about higher drive wife.
28:50
Amy: Now, this is what happens when you have a higher drive wife the husband is not craving sex and he's not stepping up that emotional intimacy.
29:01
Amy: You're exactly right, he's lacking in the emotional intimacy, because he doesn't need something from his wife.
29:05
Amy: You're exactly right it hurts the wife so bad because she's not only not getting desired sexually, she's not getting the emotional energy put into the relationship because he does not need that.
29:17
Amy: So, women, the fact that your husband desires you sexually, you should be flattered by that, because any one of the women the 30, 20, somewhere between 20 and 30, they would switch you in a day to be sexually desired by their husband.
29:31
Nick: It's true because if you look at us as men, the way we're designed, is we, when we need that sexual connection or want that?
29:39
Nick: When we need that sexual connection, we typically most men step it up on the emotional side.
29:45
Nick: We get romantic, we're like, babe, what can I do for you?
29:48
Nick: And I gave me.
29:49
Nick: Amy all the time says, oh, it's day three or four, because I'm like a freaking stud around.
29:55
Amy: I mean like oh, he steps it up to the romance level on day four and I'm like you don't need to do that, like I'm totally willing.
30:02
Nick: But but you're cool if you do.
30:04
Amy: But yeah, that's fine.
30:05
Nick: But I'm like I understand it's a need for you, but I think most men naturally do that and that's so what Amy's saying is like for the women to have the higher drive.
30:16
Nick: They're not getting the sexual or the emotional which is really sad.
30:21
Amy: That's gotta be one of the hardest positions to be, so my heart goes out to all those women that are not getting, either of those that is suffering right there.
30:30
Nick: And I think too, like, if you're, if you're a wife that doesn't enjoy sexual intimacy, go check out our you know barriers to sexual intimacy marriage course.
30:40
Nick: It's awesome.
30:41
Nick: And we also, you know, go check out the products that we have.
30:44
Nick: Like we honestly have some great products.
30:47
Amy: If you're a woman that has a hard time, you know having an orgasm, enjoying sex, even wanting to have sex, you like.
30:57
Amy: I can honestly say that if he didn't make it good and feel good for me and I didn't have an orgasm every single time, he would be at the very bottom of my list.
31:05
Amy: I wouldn't be like, oh, it's day four, day three, like absolutely, let's go do it.
31:08
Amy: Like my whole attitude would change if it sucked for me.
31:11
Amy: So it's really and that would lead us to a recent podcast that we did is why it needs to be so enjoyable for both of you.
31:18
Amy: Like, yeah, it's supposed to be connecting, but if you want it to be connecting, it's got to be physically good for both people too.
31:24
Amy: Right, like that's the only way a woman or a low drive spouse is going to want to be intimate if it's, if it's connecting and it feels good.
31:33
Amy: So there's just so many aspects.
31:35
Amy: We could go on and on, right.
31:37
Nick: Oh, we totally could.
31:38
Nick: But bottom line is you need both the emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship and marriage for your marriage to thrive, if you want to find that ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
31:48
Nick: So sit down as a couple, try to find that balance.
31:51
Nick: Talk about both your sexual intimacy and your emotional intimacy and your marriage maybe where you're falling short, and and work on that together and as you do, you're going to see your marriage thrive.
32:03
Amy: And make sure you're getting our newsletter.
32:05
Amy: We send out a weekly newsletter and every once in a while we will send our intimacy questionnaire.
32:12
Amy: That has a ton of different topics and questions for you to rate the levels of those different areas of intimacy and then add up your scores together give you some great discussions.
32:22
Amy: We send that out in our newsletter every so, once in a while.
32:26
Amy: So every so, once in a while.
32:27
Amy: Every once in a while.
32:28
Amy: So I don't know like it's just really important to be discussing are your needs getting met?
32:35
Amy: Are mine getting met?
32:36
Amy: How do we do a better job of that?
32:38
Amy: And people laugh when I say a weekly marriage meeting, but it can be 20 minutes.
32:42
Amy: Like how are you feeling about this?
32:43
Amy: Is there anything I can do better as a spouse?
32:44
Amy: When you're both putting each other as a higher priority and you're both trying to make sure that your spouse is happy in the marriage If he's making sure I'm happy and I'm making sure he's happy, marriage is awesome.
32:56
Amy: It's not that complicated, yeah.
33:00
Nick: I mean I'm going to end with this For a husband I can say it's from a husband standpoint when, when things are good in and out of the bedroom, both emotionally, we're both emotionally connected and we're physically connected like there is nothing better in the world than being married and that takes work, and it takes effort, and it takes communication on both sides, yep.
33:26
Amy: So that's all it takes.
33:29
Nick: So again, we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time.
33:33
Nick: We hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.