Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 34. Embracing Change and New Beginnings - Let’s Talk Menopause, Empty Nesting, Launching Our Kiddos, and Keeping the Fire Alive in Marriage - Part 2 with KellieYurosek

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34. Embracing Change and New Beginnings - Let’s Talk Menopause, Empty Nesting, Launching Our Kiddos, and Keeping the Fire Alive in Marriage - Part 2 with KellieYurosek · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Hello friends, welcome back to another episode.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: If you were here with us last week, you know that my dear friend Kelly and I were just chatting away about so many things that we decided we needed to do a part two or we would have kept you guys for two hours.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: So we're breaking this up and we're going to segue into a few other things.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We've opened windows, we've gotten new drinks, we're ready to go and talk about the next stage.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: So you were able to hear last week Kelly talk.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: If you haven't heard last week's, go back and listen to that before you come in here to this one.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Unless you found us because you searched perimenopause, middle age, then maybe you're at the right episode.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: But if you have the time, go back and catch last week's episode so you can get caught up a little bit on Kelly and her family and just why I love her so much.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: But we're going to transition in to a little different conversation now.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: We've talked about all the things of parenting and Kelly and I have really bonded over the last couple of years just in this stage of life that we're in a new chapter, and last week Kelly talked about just this perimenopause, menopause stage of womanhood, of being a beautiful stage.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: But I think it gets a lot of bad rap because A we aren't willing to talk about it.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: B we try to hide and deny that maybe some of the things are happening not just physically but emotionally, and I think that we just don't do a good job at taking care of ourselves.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: We've maybe gotten into a rut as moms and spouses of just giving, giving, giving, giving, and there is a time where you have to stop and go.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Ok, I need to take care of myself because I want to continue to show up for my family and my grandkids and my spouse in a really healthy way, and so I just love Kelly's heart and approach to this season.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: I have learned so much from her and just sharing real life struggles and how we're turning those into triumphs and really just kind of turning the tables on the narrative of this next chapter.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: So, kelly, welcome back to another week.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: We're so glad to have you.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Well, thank you so much.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: I had so much fun on the last one, so thank you for having me again.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: Absolutely Okay, so let's jump right in.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: So we, you know, again have these kids that are young adults, and then we also have some that are both of our youngest or 14.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: So we're both staring down a calendar, knowing that we have about four more years with our kids in our home.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: We all know that you never stop being a parent, that no matter what stage your kids are, you're always their mom.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: But really coming to grips with a lot of my life is about to change.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: I know we had this conversation about a year ago, even a conversation about you chatting with your husband as you were finding yourself kind of emotional and maybe stressed out a little bit, and the analogy of even having to say to him, like, imagine if you knew that in four years, your whole life, everything you've worked for, is going to be gone or change.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Just kind of talk me through that process that you've had to go through, realizing this kind of tea in the road, if you will, of how things are going to be changing and what you're doing mentally and physically to kind of prepare for that.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so Derek and I have over the years we do about a six to eight week little check-in with our.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: We have a fabulous counselor and she just bridges the gap so beautifully.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: She knows us, she loves both of us individually, loves us as a couple, and she's the one that actually said that to Derek.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: Because, you know, going through this phase of life is beautiful, like I said, but it is also very challenging because so much is changing in our bodies, so much is changing emotionally.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: There's so many things coming at us all at once that's new and different, and kids leaving, and new, like all this stuff.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: I was trying to verbalize it to her and to Derek in a session and she just stopped me.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: She turned to Derek and she said okay, so how are you with your work?
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: And he's like I'm doing great.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: I'm like he's killing it, like are you kidding me?
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: He's, he's amazing, he's got you know blah blah blah.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: And she goes okay, so in one year, derek, you have one year to wrap it all up.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: You're done working and you are finished and you're going to have to figure out a whole new life for yourself and things that you're wanting to do.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: And okay, so can you do that?
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: And he looks at her like wait, what are you talking about?
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: She's like you're done One year, you wrap everything up and you're done working.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: And she he just looks at her.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: She goes that is what Kelly is doing right now.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: It's going to be four or five years, it's not one year, but it's four or five years.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: And every single thing that she has done her life's work, everything that she's poured into over the last 26 years, is they're gone.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: You have to like and she goes how do you feel?
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: And he goes oh my gosh, like that's intense.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: And she goes welcome to being a perimenopausal and a menopausal woman.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it was this moment where our eyes like connected and I was like, yeah, what she said, moment where our eyes like connected, and I was like, yeah, what she said, like exactly that.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: And cause she just verbalized it so perfectly and that really connected us as far as and it's just, I've never felt so seen and so validated.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: In that moment you know your life's work is off.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: It's doing its thing, it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, but it's still like when they talk about that bittersweet moments.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: It is the most bitter and it is the most sweet because you know you've done your job well, but it's so sad because you've actually loved that part of your life and now it's going to be gone, it's going to be different, it's sad.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: You know in many ways, the only way I can ever since we brought our first to college.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: The only way I can sum it up in emotions for moms and dads is it's the most excruciatingly beautiful season of life and it's like it can be excruciatingly painful and beautiful at the same time.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: And I can't think of a lot of other times in my life where I could say this is excruciating and beautiful.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Usually it's beautiful or it's excruciating.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: You don't literally sit on your back together and it is those emotions of coming to realization of just everything you have known and done for most of us right, For 20, 30 years, depending upon how many kids you had.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Everything that you've built your life around, because you chose that, because it's what you wanted, had everything that you've built your life around because you chose that, because it's what you wanted.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: It was everything that you felt God calling you to do has taken on a different role where there aren't people that need you, You're not cooking and cleaning for a bunch of people and you're not running around, and that starts to change when your kids hit 16, right, and there's this level of independence and now you're missing, picking them up and taking them places the very same things that you were, you know, rolling your eyes and muttering under your breath about, are things that are just not a part of your life anymore, and so one thing that I have loved talking so much to you about you are passionate about making sure that your kids don't feel like they are what makes you happy, or they are the like.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: It's their responsibility.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Of course, our kids make us happy.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Let me rephrase that it's not our kids' responsibility to have us find a purpose or a passion.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: And just how you've kind of taken this new season of slowing down, life looks different.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: The days look different Still crazy busy seasons, obviously, as you're traveling and kids in sports and all those things but just finding slower mornings, earlier nights, downtime on the weekends that we never used to have and picking up some of your own passions, what has that journey been for you?
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's been it's.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I've enjoyed that part of it a lot.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: It's been something that's been really fun for me.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: One of the rules that we've always had with my kids I've always told them this is that, like we're not going to play games with communication or anything like that when they leave, like if you want to talk to me, you call me and I'll get back to you.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: If I can't talk, I will call you back, and if I want to talk to you, then I will call you, and it doesn't matter if one of us is calling more than the other, but just understand that that person's reaching out to you and meeting you, so we're not playing games with that.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: That's been the first rule where I don't want them to think that you know, I'm just at home pining away Cause I'm really not, like I'm not, and.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: But if I do want to talk to them, they are so good at getting back to me.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: Or you know Ben, the other day he was finishing up with camp.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: They're in camp right now.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: They're in lockdown and getting ready for this next season and I called him cause I was missing him and he texted me back he goes.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: I can't really talk right now.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: I'm so tired, I'm so sorry and I said never be sorry for not that Like, don't ever be sorry.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: You call me when you can just know I'm thinking of you and I love you.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: So that's been the first thing that you know.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: I've never wanted to put my happiness on my kids' shoulders and that is one probably major area of growth that I have done in the last five years.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: That's not only improved my relationship with my kids, but especially my relationship with Derek, and those are moments where I'm like I'm no longer putting on his shoulders that if he comes home happy from work, that I'm happy, that if I, you know, whatever, like, none of that is his responsibility.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: My happiness is my responsibility.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: So that really forced me to look inward and say, like, what's going to make you happy?
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: What do you love?
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: What do you want to do?
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: And I've been able to explore so many things, from gardening to, you know, art, painting.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: I'm in pottery right now, love pottery.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: I'm, you know, just doing honestly what I want to do most of the days and I absolutely love it.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: So when they come home and they'll come home for breaks or you know stuff like that I'm so happy, I love it when they're home.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: But I'll say little things to them in a joking way.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: I'm like I can't wait for you to go home Like get out of here.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: I love you, but you're like, you're in my space, I need to get back to my pottery or my ceramics and we joke about that kind of stuff, but that, those are those little jokes that can alleviate any sense of like mom's, sad mom's, like I'm, I have a busy life.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: I got get out, scoot on out of here.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: I'm ready to get back to my life.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: You know so.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: And then the other thing that I've really had fun with in the last, I guess, few years is that a couple of my kids have very serious boyfriend and girlfriends.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: So instead of well, so the boys and the girls are different.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: We can talk about that down the road.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: You know how they, how they handle their, their relationships, but but in a big picture, just loving those new people that are in our lives and embracing them and calling them and talking to them and sending them texts, independently of all the family, just trying to get that relationship with these beautiful humans and thinking of them as an addition to our family, versus them taking my babes away from me.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: That's good.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: That's a whole other situation that comes in.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Yes, very much so, Very much so, by building that relationship with them.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Somebody was saying I had heard it that when your daughter gets married, not a whole lot changes.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: You'll remain the most important woman in her life.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: You're always going to be the mom, You're always going to get the phone calls when she's cooking or has questions or parenting.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: But when your son gets married, you actually are being replaced as his most important woman by his wife which is exactly what, biblically, we would want to happen.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: But when you think about that you go holy cow, like that's a big difference between those two and your best tool not because you're using it to manipulate, but because it's smart and it's biblical and it's kind is to love his wife well, so that you aren't the competition right that you are somebody that has great relationship with your son's spouse.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, oh, and that's the goal.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: That's the goal for the next phase is to make sure that my family stays happy and that we stay united no matter what.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: And thank God, my kids are bringing the most incredible humans to, to into their lives and into our lives.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: But definitely, I mean I I'm verbal about that.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: I mean Ben has a very serious girlfriend.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: Her name is Lexi.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: She's awesome, she's such a great girl and I'm always saying, girl, I'm handing you the baton, this is for you to take and run with it.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: I'll call her and like how's Ben doing?
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: How is he doing?
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: I am taking the same amount of time and energy that I used to put all into Ben and now it's shifting more toward her, or as much toward her, and I love it.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: It's so fun, like, and I think a lot of moms I've watched a lot of moms do it right and I've watched, watched, a lot of mother-in-laws do it wrong and I've that's one question.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: I ask a lot of people, good or bad, how come your relationship is the way it is with your daughter-in-law or your son-in-law?
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: And they're usually pretty honest with me about it and I've gotten some great advice on that.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: But my goal is to love those people, just like they are my own kids, you know, and so that's how I treat them and I do.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: I really love them both.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: My two of my olders, my bigs, have serious relationships and they're awesome, like they're just so fun.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: I love them both.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Just add such a different element to to the family.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: See those interactions.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: It goes back to this, those like we talked about last week, the family rules.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: It's how I think about it and what are my thoughts about this?
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: That anything else if you're going to those situations where you're like I'm losing my son, well, you're going to be a little bit grumpy about it.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: You're going to be a little sad about it, instead of being like, oh, I'm gaining another daughter which is such a gym Like, she's so awesome and her mom is awesome and we've just really worked to facilitate great relationships with both of those kids and the parents and everything.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: So it's been lovely.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: It's been a great transition, such a good reminder to build into that relationship for sure.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about you and Derek a little bit, as your kids are transitioning.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: So you've been married for 28 years and I love that you've mentioned that you do your little checkup every six to eight weeks in counseling and just are you know, doing your?
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: I know last week you talked about doing your debriefing at the end of the night or whenever Derek is back home after a trip, on just kind of where the kids are at.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: How are you guys protecting your relationship to ensure that when, in four years, when Vivian is the last one out, that you guys are in this new stage of just being the two of you, which is hard to even imagine, what does that look like?
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: What are you doing to protect that relationship so that when you end up there, when that day comes, that you don't walk in the house and go, oh, shoot, but you go?
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: We have been preparing for this, we have been waiting for this.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: We're excited.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: We're not wishing our kids away, but this is natural progression and we're just super excited for this next chapter.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, we talk about it.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: We talk about that all the time.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: We're like what are the next steps and things that we're like, oh, we're gonna do this and do that and move here and travel there.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: Like we are mentally and verbally planning all kinds of fun things.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: So I'm looking forward to that time with him, but staying in touch.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: You know, derek, like we talked about last week he time with him, but staying in touch you know Derek, like we talked about last week, he really lives a very busy life.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: Like his Monday through Friday is insane and he comes home tired and so my job's really just to provide a nice landing spot for him.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: Don't put a lot of.
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: I mean we're not sitting up for hours talking at night.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: I mean it's pretty practical.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Give him some hugs and kisses and, you know, check in on his day and give him the daily debriefing on the kids and a couple things like that.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Like we're pretty basic with that stuff.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: But then about once a week we get together and have coffee or we have lunch or we have a date of some kind.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: Sometimes we try to get two of those in a week.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: And if we can't?
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: get away for a meal.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: We'll just sit out on the porch and just have coffee, and we usually ask a few questions like how was your work week, Derek?
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: Tell me about that.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: And then he asked about my work week, which is the kids.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: And then, just in this upcoming week, what are some things that I can do to help you, how do you need to be supported this week and what are you excited about?
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: So we talk about a few of those things that in, like you and me, in this podcast.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: Rarely does it go as planned.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: Usually there's tangents and you get off on different subjects.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: Whatever needs to be bubbling up to the surface tends to bubble up to the surface, whether it's a frustration or an excitement or anything.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: So just treating him and calling him I'd say this all the time like you're my best friend, Like we're best friends, you know, and like we're in this together so just even verbalizing those kinds of things are really powerful for the two of us.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: So I would say, having little touch points, pouring into each other, laughing more, and also have so many things to look forward to.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: We're dreaming about the next phase.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: Which is so exciting, and it is.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Somebody else was telling me that you should always have a vacation for you and your spouse on the calendar, because 50% of the joy of a vacation is the anticipation of it and 50% of it is the actual trip, and I can say 100% 50%.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: of it is the reminiscing too, Like there's maybe thirds right 33, 33, 33.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean because then they're like oh, remember that night that we did that, that was so fun, and we just talk and like reminisce about different trips and stuff, Especially the ones where it's just you and your spouse, where you're creating.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: it's not a shared family memory, it's a thing for the two of you, because there aren't a lot of those opportunities in these really busy I mean.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: Obviously there's some travel, but we've been in a season right For decades where everything is centered around our family.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Obviously you have to protect the marriage in that and have those getaways.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: We do do that every year.
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: Also, we do make sure that we take at least one trip, a minimum of one trip, just the two of us, no other couples, no kids, just a little honeymoon trip is what we call it, and have you done that your whole marriage?
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: most of our marriage we've done that.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: Yes, we've been pretty pretty good about that a week to two weeks total.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: So whether that is sometimes just weekends when the kids are little and you just can get away for a couple of days, we would try to get, like you know, four of those in a year, three or four of those quarterly right.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: Those are, those are good to get in.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: Or sometimes we take a week and they're powerful, just making sure that that's your boyfriend and he I'm his girlfriend and that we are still connecting physically and emotionally and dreaming together and planning life together and, you know, making little tweaks and things where we got to get better and hey, we're a little bit concerned about this kid, what should we do?
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: And you have to take life by its horns sometimes and slow down that way, and so those trips have really been very powerful.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: But I do think that the daily little daily check-ins little bit bigger week check-ins and then the quarterly bigger, whether it's monthly or quarterly, like, yeah, get away for a weekend, a night, do a staycation, whatever it will make the difference in your marriage long-term.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: What are you most proud of?
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: When your kids talk about your marriage?
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Now, as they're getting older, are you starting to see glimpses of them recognizing, maybe, the effort and the health of your marriage?
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: I know for one of our kids.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: I got a call early in college and it was just I just wanted to tell you and dad, thank you.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize how abnormal it is for a college student to have two parents that are happily married, that really love each other, that like being together, that are excited about the future.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: And she just said thank you, I just have taken for granted that gift that you have given me.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: I started to see that from your kids.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that is one of the coolest things I think we talked about this last week, about how being a mom, and even in marriage, it goes.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: It's so unrecognized for so long.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: And that full circle is when your kids are in their twenties and they start to see their, their friends, parents, divorcing left and right, or they see other people not having good relationships or whatever they're seeing, they will circle back around and be like, oh my gosh, thank you.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: They've said like, thank you for pushing so hard on being healthy, thank you for you and dad.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: You know, cause we are very much, I am very much an open book with my kids and so when we would have a little struggle or you know whatever, they could tell that I was like wearing it on my shoulders and on my sleeves.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: Sometimes the kids would check in with me and I'm like we're fine, your dad and I are fine.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: We're just sandpaper right now and I think it's important to like we're going to be okay.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: We're never like we're together, Like don't ever worry about that, but we're working things out, Just like how you and your brother have a hard time sometimes and you two, no matter what, are sandpaper to each other, and other times you're silk to each other.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: Your dad and I are no different than that.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: He is my best friend and there are times that we just we're going to battle it out.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: So I've really tried to normalize, like the ups and downs and also going to therapy, sometimes like we have been so fortunate to find that great counselor and is rooting for she's awesome.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: But telling your kids sometimes you just need somebody, a third party, to come in and be like no Kelly, you got it wrong here, sweet girl, we got to fix this up a little bit or need to do some work.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: And so, yes, my kids have definitely recognized that hard work and appreciation of just us sticking it out and how we're all benefiting so much.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: As a family we're really reaping all of the rewards and all of the seeds that we were sowing for so many years.
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: I've seen a lot of people give up at times and I understand marriage is really freaking hard sometimes.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: All that you go through with all these kids and all the dynamics flying your way.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: It's really freaking hard to to stay together sometimes.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: But I just man, I tell you down on my knees more times than not saying thank God that I chose to stick with this man, because we are really reaping all of the beautiful, you know, rewards from the seeds that we've sown over the years.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: Just so grateful for that and my kids are too, and worth every, every ounce of effort that has been put into it.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: I was just talking to a friend about the slow fade, when you can start to recognize the distance, and that when you don't recognize it and it's easy for it to happen, right, we get there's so much going on at all stages.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: You think when you have little kids, like, well, when it slows down when they're in junior, high and high school, and then you laugh at that because then it's like junior, high and high school and it's just a different kind of busy.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Right, it's not eight to five busy Now, it's five to midnight busy and moving all over the place for sports and all these different things.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: And when you start to feel that sandpaper, I think there's a choice and the marriages that recognize the rub and tune in to the friction and work on it are the ones that make it.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Because I was just talking to a girlfriend about this slow fade and recognizing over the years where there was rub and it wasn't addressed.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: And so then all you're doing there is upping the level of sandpaper.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: Now it's just a different grit sandpaper and it wasn't addressed.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: And so then you just all you're doing there is up in the level of sandpaper Now.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: It's just a different grit sandpaper and it's more painful and eventually you just can't be, there anymore.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: You can't stay in that, and so I love that visual analogy that you gave of that difference between sandpaper and silk and even how that applies so much in our kids' life, in their relationship, in their sibling relationships.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: Right, there's this expectation that mom and dad should just have it figured out, but yet there's these sibling things all the time as new experiences and struggles and physical issues and tired and overstressed right, like there's always things and that's what I have really been learning in these last few years, right along with you and Derek, is that there are going to be hard things and how I respond, how I show up.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: That's right Well, you said the slow fade I love that term because it is a slow fade and one of the things that we've learned to do is to address that right away.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: Before I would just make things up in my head.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: I wasn't controlling my thoughts.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: I'd make things up.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: I'm like oh, he came home grumpy.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: He must not be happy with me, he's not blah blah blah.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: And then he would like respond, and so we would go into this dance and I don't know if you're like us, but we would fight over the same two things year after year, it would be two topics that we would fight over it, and usually because he wasn't giving me enough attention and he felt inadequate and all this stuff, right, the stupid things.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: And so finally, I don't know why it took us so long.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: I can walk up to him now and I'm like I need more attention.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: I just say the words I need more attention from you.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: I need some Derek in my life.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: I miss my best friend.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: So that slow fade gets immediately the minute that we see it gets turned around and he's like what are you talking about?
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: I just need you to hug me, that's it.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: I just need your attention.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: And I was so proud to say like that I needed something for so many years.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: My ego got in the way of telling my best friend what I needed from them and I'm telling you it's just simplified life.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: It's simplified life so much that a little bit of gratitude of recognizing him and all the like, it's changed our entire marriage.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you mentioned too, when you talked about the whether it's the patio check-in or the breakfast coffee, whatever it is the question of is there anything I can do this week to help you?
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: When I started looking, I mean as a family, we implemented I've talked about this on another podcast, I'll tag it here the power of the question what can I do to help?
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: And if every single person in the family is asking every other family member siblings to siblings, parents to kids, kids to parents if every day, you ask every member of your family, is there anything I can do today to help?
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Now, when I put that on the internet, it went viral and, of course, the comments are.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: Are you kidding me?
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: Your husband should know what you need and.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like, no, this is so naive that you would think that it is so naive that you would think that my husband, which I thought for years, should be able to just know what I need.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: It is not human nature, because none of them are the same and no day is the same.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: What I need today might totally annoy me tomorrow.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Because it right, just so much ebb and flow in the day to day of family and life and just getting in tune of if we are a partnership, if we really are best friends, why am I taking things like?
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: Just the other day I snapped at my husband because we were having one of these coffee meetings and he looked at his phone and I about lost my cool and I will be the first to admit that it's totally double standard, because it's one of those things where, like I'm on my phone the second night, there's so many memes about it, right, the second I put my phone down.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: Everybody in the room is supposed to also put their phone down and pay attention to me.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: Right and he just said you have such double standards and I was like you're right, I do, but I get such little time alone with you, when there's not kids, where there's not work, where there's not stuff, that I'm just really jealous of that time, like I really.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: I need you to look at me.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: I need to just know that for those five, 10 minutes that there's nothing else.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Now all he was doing was checking the weather because of a question I had asked about something, and so also I wasn't giving much grace at all, but just being able, instead of it becoming a fight, to say I'm just, I just really love being with you and I really love your full attention and so I'm not mad at you.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: I just really want you to be a hundred percent mine right now and just being able to have that conversation and then laugh about it and say you're right, I have total double standards, but welcome to life being married, and then be able just to have those conversations and for him to say back okay, here's how you could have said that that wouldn't have been so judgmental.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: That would have been like hey, I don't know what you're doing, instead of just being angry, not sure what you're looking about, but could we just put our phones away for 10 minutes and just then also needing to model that?
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: I think part of the rub in sandpaper is that we have different expectations for others than we hold ourselves to.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: Yes, we do, we definitely.
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: Derek calls that the Kelly clause.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: He always like oh, so it's the Kelly clause, and so I used to get very defensive about that.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: Now I just own it.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, you know it's the Kelly Claus, and so I used to get very defensive about that.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: Now I just own it.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, you know, it's the Kelly Claus.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: I try let's just say this when I inject humor into things, it just lightens it all.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: So like when we learn to do that right and that's one of the things that we're slowly learning to do is to laugh a lot more than we used to.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: That's been a really nice game changer.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: But you know, I have found it's easier to be playful and laughing the more that I get my ego in check.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: So when he calls me out like oh, so double standards, or that's the Kelly clause, I'm like yeah, you know what you married it Like.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: You know, I just get fun and sassy about that and that actually just makes it all work so much better.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: I don't always do that, but when I do it it is a lot smoother.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: You quickly recognize like it works much better when I do this.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: So instead of fighting and doing the other, let's just move to this.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: And I love too that it goes back to your family rules Again, if you guys haven't listened to last week, kelly talks about her family's three rules and the third one is control your thoughts.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: And I have found that in these situations in marriage, what you said, we have the same two fights.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: I bet every couple could say this.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: You have your couple friction points that they just show up in different ways, but the same underlying For me.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: I recognized that one was I never felt like I was doing a good enough job at home.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: It was my own insecurities, my own self-doubt.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: And so when somebody would say specifically my husband, oh my gosh, this Tupperware drawer is a mess, I would come unglued and it's like well.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: I'm not coming unglued about the Tupperware drawer.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: I'm coming unglued that this house is my identity and when anybody says something's not good, I take the weight of that right.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: And so just also recognizing this, controlling your thoughts, how we I'll speak for myself, how I, as a mom and a wife, when something is said or something isn't done, I can let this dialogue go from something so simple, as that was frustrating, that all the water bottles just came tumbling out of the cabinet to nobody appreciates me, I can't believe it.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: He doesn't even know this.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: And you're working back 15, 20 days of things that you've been holding onto because a bunch of water bottles fell out of the cabinet 15, 20 years, right, right, and just really having to get to the point.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: what I have learned is, every time that something like that comes back, I have to speak the truth about what I know.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: My husband thinks about me.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: My husband doesn't think I'm a horrible housekeeper.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: My husband doesn't think that I do a horrible job at managing our home.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: But how quickly we can let those lies go out of control to create an entire narrative that your anxiety is up, your heart's beating and you are even asking yourself how did I get here?
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: How did I get to this point of frustration?
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: We're the queens of overthinking and connecting things that really don't have a connection.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: One of the most profound things that I've realized with Derek is he's pretty matter of fact.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: If he says the Tupperware drawer is a mess, that's all he means.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: He literally means nothing else except, oh, I've noticed that the Tupperware drawer is a mess, and when I just take it as a fact, like yeah, yeah, you're right, it is, I'll have to get on that, or you know, help yourself Right.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: You know, and you probably have thought the same thing every time you open.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: I mean I opened the Tupperware drawer when I put the dishes away.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I'm annoyed that they don't all fit.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: But when somebody else says it.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: Don't you call me out on it though?
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and they're not.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: That's the thing of like realizing that they're not calling you out, they're just being like oh, it's a mess.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: You're like, yeah, right, you know Derek will do that about the refrigerator.
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: He hates that.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: I have, like you know, lettuce, that's gone bad and everything.
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I like to eat the freshest one.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: He's like, oh, my God, kelly, you're doing it all wrong, right, but he's just like thinking practically as far as like we're wasting money with the lettuce.
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: He's not thinking like, oh, you're a bad human because you're you know, whatever he's just super matter of fact, and so that's one thing that I've stopped trying to stop reading into what he's trying to say.
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: He's just saying what he said, like that's all.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: That's all there is to it.
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: You should eat the lettuce the other way, so we don't throw lettuce away.
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: It's not super offensive until you take it as stop telling me what I'm doing wrong, right, exactly.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: So funny, just lightening up in this phase and you have to, okay.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: So let's chat real quickly about, kind of to segue into just this next stage of where you're going.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: What are your hopes and aspirations for this next chapter of empty nesting?
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: And again, we're not trying to rush our kids out.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: I always have to be really careful because there's this fine line of now I've got two that have graduated high school and have moved on, and then I have this sweet, precious high school boy and I want to just soak up every single moment that I have with him.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: So it's this a little bit of a weird juggling, because you are preparing yourself.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: I don't want to wait until he's gone and then start figuring it out.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: So it is this process of, and, just like you and Vivian Landon is in a co-op, so he's home two days, in school, two and a half days, and so we have a lot of time together, but in, in, moving towards that next stage, without making people feel like we're forcing them out the door.
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: What are really your aspirations for this next chapter in your life, both personally and as a family?
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: So I'm a big believer in on-ramping and off-ramping, right.
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: So it's not just this clean line where kids are here I mean we're off-ramping or, I guess, on-ramping into that empty nesters.
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: It's slowly happening.
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: We have five more years, so part of me is really trying to not be a quitter, like don't quit, like keep at it, girl.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: Like you've still got two to go, five years to go.
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: But you know, I just I think that it's an important thing to be able to gradually load your life with and back fill your life with things that you're enjoying and things that you're passionate about, because I really do have more time.
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: I'm not juggling five little humans anymore, I am juggling two and, as you know, the, the bigs who are out living life, are still very much a part of our lives.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: Like Sophia will call and want to chat with me for an hour a day, and you better believe that I'm going to stop what I'm doing as much as I can and do that Right.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: So I think that there is this idea that you know, as your kids go out of the, they, they grow up and they're exiting, then they're just like they're gone and you have all this free time, you're still putting a lot of time into those adult kids.
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: They're still trying to figure out real life.
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: And then also, like we talked about earlier I'm talking less to Ben, but I'm starting to talk more and more to his girlfriend, lexi.
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: So I'll give her calls and she'll call me sometimes and we're I mean Derek will at the end of the day say like what'd you do?
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, I spent five hours talking to kids, like literally at least five hours talking to kids.
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: I spent another three hours driving and talking to kids more, you know.
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: And so there is part of me that I do have some more time on some days, but every day looks a little different.
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: I think that's part of it too is just having that flexibility to know at this point that everything's looking a little bit different.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: You know, do you find that?
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: too.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure.
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: And that's the part that surprised me, because I think you do in your mind and you know we've always heard you only have 18 summers.
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: And I had a friend challenge me on that and say you're looking at it all wrong, like you only have 18 summers of them being under 18.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: But like your kids don't.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: If you have fostered relationship, if you have done the hard and you've built into the relationship and you have good communication, then that is not true.
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: Like that turns into something different.
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: Now, instead of vacationing with your kids, you're vacationing with your friends.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: And, right, we have totally I don't want to say alternative motives, but we have deep seated plans into the life that we've created around our lake house and the time that we spend in complete hopes and dreams of every summer for as long as it's possible.
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: Right, obviously, life and family and marriages and all that changes.
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: But you know it's the whole field of dreams.
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: If you build it, they will come and trying to create a life and a relationship.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: Because I could have the life that my kids want to come be a part of, I could have the lake house, I could have the things and the toys, but if every time we're together at sandpaper they're not going to come Right, right, and so really just balancing that, continuing to build into a relationship and more of a friendship.
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: And what you were saying about the phone calls my oldest Madison.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: She's a college athlete and she leaves practice from the gym typically at three 30.
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: And I can almost guarantee that at three 33, you know somewhere around there and it's her walking out of the gym, going to her car, driving back to her apartment, and I'm so grateful that she wants to tell me everything.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: She wants to tell me what happened, what she ate, where she's going tonight, what school things she has going on, what's happening with her RA position, who they're playing next week, who she's been scouting.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: It's almost like for them it's a safe place to download all of the things that are happening in their brain as they're processing being adults.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and honestly, nikki, those are my long-term goals too, my long-term.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: My mentality about an aging family is not that I'm losing them, it's that I'm gaining new people, that our family is growing.
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: So now you know, I look down the road.
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: In five years I think we'll probably have a couple of married kids, right, if not more than that.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure we will.
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: We may have some grandbabies.
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: I want our family to grow and my job and my role role in that, the way that I see it is that it is my job to make sure that we are glued together and as tight together as possible.
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: So Derek and I also have a vacation home that we want to always provide for the family.
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: And I love that, the days and the times that we can all get together and it's chaos again.
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: But I also love it when I get to just be with Calvin, or I get to be just with Owen, or maybe Ben and Lexi.
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: So I love all of the combinations that life can bring us.
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: And that is.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: My long-term goal is to have a big, full life with Derek and to have it good enough, beautiful enough, that the kids still want to be part of it and they still want to join us.
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: So this whole series that we've done this summer is on parenting and Andy Stanley in his book Parenting it's a very basic title, it breaks the four stages up and he was talking about how him and his wife when they kind of had their family life goal setting at the beginning of family, it's what is our North Star?
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: So, like you guys have your rules and those rules will bring you to a certain point, For them they said we have to find our North Star and their North Star was our goal in parenting, outside of the obvious of we wanna raise kids that come to know and love Jesus and love each other, obviously.
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: But our North Star in parenting is that our adult children come home as adults because they choose to.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: That's it.
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: That's it right there, Right when.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: That's the goal.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: Every decision that you make is seen through a little different lens, Because I can raise kids that they're the perfect rule followers and they keep everything clean all the time and we run this military thing, but then when they come to be adults are like no thanks or you know, it really changes everything.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: What will make my kids choose that, if they're going to get two weeks of vacation when they're young, married, that they will choose to spend one week with me and Jed at our house?
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: Totally.
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: I never realized it as a North star, but I could say that that is absolutely dead on.
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: That's the goal.
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: That's the dream is that you still are able to enjoy the fruits of your labor from all of these years, that that fruit is multiplied, that it's growing and that they all like love, that I'm creating a person inside of me that they want to be, that's attractive to them, that is safe and fun and vibrant in her 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, right Like I.
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: Want to be one of those little grannies that's out there playing basketball with the kids and going shopping and dressing on fabulous outfits and still with it and fit and all of those things Like that's the goal.
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: That's the goal for Derek and I for sure.
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: And you know, yeah, it's just it's it's working it backwards.
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: Then from that stage and something else that I heard, that kind of like made me gasp.
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: At first you hear concepts sometimes and you think no.
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: And then, when you really allow yourself time, when we come across things where people see things differently than us, instead of just trying to prove no, my point's right, when you sit in that and it was a gentleman that was talking about when his son got married that he always and I can't remember who it was, but it was on a podcast that he pulls his kids aside and says, hey, we want you to know that anytime that you choose to come to Christmas or to Thanksgiving or to spring break or the summer vacation, that anytime you choose to come, we are so grateful and we will soak it up.
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: But I also want to give you permission, specifically for these next two or three years, as you're figuring out married life, that if it ever doesn't work for you to come to Christmas, or if you and your spouse prefer to go somewhere else for Thanksgiving, we just want you to know that you have a free pass and there will never be bitterness.
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: And I was like no, you come home for the holidays but then like to I totally agree with that, yeah.
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: But to think in that and say I want to give my kids the freedom to live their lives and I think they will always have a desire, but I don't want my kids to feel like if I don't make this choice that my mom wants, it's going to have a long-term effect, it's going to strain our relationship.
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: So I really want to go on this trip with my spouse over Christmas and the New Year's and that's what I want.
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: I want them to do that.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: Knowing mom and dad are great with that.
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: Mom and dad are thrilled that we're working on our marriage, that we're spending time together, whatever it is as opposed to oh, they're going to hold on to that one, they're going to keep that.
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: They're going to pull that out later, totally.
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: Totally the way that we've always verbalized that is, never make one day too important, never make one day I mean, there's going to be five kids, five spouses, right?
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: Five different family dynamics, five new people married into our family with their traditions, and the last thing you want to do is make them ever feel obligated to come and spend the day with you.
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: I'm like I don't care if you spend the day with me, just come spend a day with me.
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: A day versus the day, right.
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: And so we've gone through that.
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: Like I know some people are like, oh, if it's not celebrated on my birthday, then it's not, it doesn't count.
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: I feel like that's so silly in many ways, because life doesn't always hand you a perfect little picture, right, you have to be flexible, especially with as many kids as we've had.
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: My kids have grown up with a lot a very, very flexible mentality.
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: I'm like, hey, I can't nail it on this day, but I'll make it up to you, we'll make sure that you get something special or that we're celebrating you in a certain way, you know, on the weekend or whatever.
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: And so that has been a theme through our entire family is that there's not one day that's more important than the next, and the minute you start making one day more important than the next year, you're setting yourself up for some failure.
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: That's a tough thing to live by.
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: There's no room, there's no wiggle room in that.
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: So I've told that to my kids.
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, I mean we never really celebrated Christmas.
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: We traveled, we never bought our kids presents.
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: We would take all of the money you know for those days and put it toward a trip, and we've traveled to some fun places and created some great memories, versus them having a bunch of toys that they won't remember when they're 30.
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: Like you know so.
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: So that's something that we've done and and just having that kind of living, that philosophy and living that kind of lifestyle is something that's just.
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: It's just been really important to me.
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: It's never make one day too important.
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: Like that's that's a tough thing to live up to Absolutely, and the time that you get no longer can be expected.
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: It needs to be appreciated Right and so there's so much pressure on that day, it has to be perfect because it's the day.
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: It's the only one we get.
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: No, just come home for it.
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: We'll make Thanksgiving dinner.
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: We can make a turkey two or three times a year.
• 45:12
  Speaker 2: We can do it Like it's fine.
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: So we'll.
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: You know, I love getting them all together, but there's been even now like we'll get all of the kids together because of their schedules, maybe once a year, maybe twice a year and other other than that.
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: It's just we get a couple here, three, maybe we get all four at one, but getting all five together, we gave that up a long time ago and it just it's nice to let loose and just like let go of all of those expectations and pressures that it all has to work out perfect, absolutely All right, kel.
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: well, to wrap up, I mean again, I feel like we could do.
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: Maybe you just have a co-host for a year on the podcast.
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: We could.
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: Just every week we could do this.
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: But what would be?
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: As we're kind of wrapping up, just, I always love to just leave it for the listeners just a little bit of encouragement.
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to ask you a two part, because we didn't really do this to close last week.
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: What would a word of encouragement to listeners be that are juggling the young stage of kids, that are just in the thick of it, that maybe marriage feels more sandpaper than silk, that are exhausted, that feel like they're in the mundane part?
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: What would just a word of encouragement, looking back, be to those moms?
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: And what would be a word of encouragement to a mom that's maybe in the end stages, she's coming into these final years of having her kids at home and she's listening and she's thinking, shoot, I feel like I did some of that wrong.
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: I know last week you talked about how you were able to even apologize to your oldest daughter for seeing things that maybe you didn't do right.
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: What would you say to moms who feel like they're holding on to just getting it right in these last few years, and just a word of encouragement to them.
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: Oh, I think for all the faces of moms is just to know that you're not gonna get it all right and that's okay.
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: Like I just said a minute ago, there's no one day of parenting that you can base everything on, like you're not gonna win or lose based on one day of parenting.
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: It's an accumulation of all of the days, all of the moments, and my encouragement to moms is just can I go back to the family rules?
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: Keep showing up like.
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: Keep showing up for your kids.
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: Keep trying to do your best.
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you have to have it all perfect, doesn't mean you have to get it right.
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: You're not going to get it right half the time, but they're going to feel your love, they're going to feel your intention and really the final thing I guess again is back to this thing is control your thoughts about it.
• 47:41
  Speaker 2: The mom is the most important person in the family, who sets the tone and who sets the emotion of a family.
• 47:49
  Speaker 2: So if you're from a heart of anger or inadequacy or being unfulfilled or anything like that, it's going to show.
• 48:01
  Speaker 2: So try your hardest to turn inward and be grateful and slow down and enjoy those kids, enjoy the messy moments.
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: I think that's really important.
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: And then for the older monster going through you know the off ramping of being a mom fill the fills.
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: Every feeling is.
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: Every emotion is valid.
• 48:20
  Speaker 2: Every emotion that you're feeling is valid.
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: But then go back to how can I make this better?
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: How can I make this good?
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: How can I improve?
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: Just keep looking in the mirror and trying to do your best and I promise you your kids are going to land on their feet and they're going to appreciate all that you've done and they're going to appreciate that you're not perfect, because that's relatable.
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: Being perfect is not relatable.
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: It gives your kids more wiggle room to not be perfect and to know that it's going to be okay at the end of it all.
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: So just hang in there, mamas.
• 48:51
  Speaker 2: You're doing good, right.
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the accumulation, the drops in a bathtub over time to overflowing and it seems very mundane when it's a drip, drip, drip, and some days a little water splashes out because it wasn't the best day but the accumulation, the compound effect over the years of showing up.
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: And I think you know again we say it all the time here, I say it all the time that it is never too late, that there is never a point in life where us getting better as parents, where us changing, where us being humble or asking for forgiveness is too late, because, as adults, even our kids will recognize that we're growing and we're trying and I think they'll have a lot of sympathy on us as they start to venture in to adult.
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: They really do.
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: They're so beautiful Like kids are so cool, like they want good for us.
• 49:38
  Speaker 2: You know, when you're raising and you're pouring into these kids, they've got the best little hearts and they want.
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: They want it to be good.
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: So I think you're so right and I'd love your analogy of the bathtub, but that was a very concise way to wrap up what I was trying to say.
• 49:52
  Speaker 2: So thank you.
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: But it is the drops.
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: The drops count.
• 49:56
  Speaker 2: Every drop counts.
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: The big moments, the ones that you messed up, maybe bigger, it's okay.
• 50:01
  Speaker 2: Like, give yourself grace.
• 50:02
  Speaker 2: And I would just say one more thing on like stop with the mom guilt, like no mom guilt.
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: You're doing your best and recognize that and acknowledge yourself and be your best cheerleader.
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: I think so many times we outsource that and it's got to be an inside job of cheering yourself on and talking to yourself the way that you would talk to your husband, your best friends, your children.
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: Make sure that you're saying you know I did really well, acknowledge where you did well, because I think that's an important thing.
• 50:31
  Speaker 2: I don't think girls do that enough.
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: I don't think moms do that enough.
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: No, we talk to ourselves in ways that we would absolutely beat someone to the street, if they talked to our children or our spouse that way Totally Yep.
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: Go, mama, bear on your own brain and get rid of all those weeds that you have let take root and just exchange them for flowers and gratitude.
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: And knowing that it's not 18 summers, it's not all things, it's entering new beautiful chapters that bring in new beautiful things.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: We'll talk in years to come about in-laws and grandchildren and just how the chapters just so beautifully shift together when relationship and grace and kindness and love is the root of that.
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: So, kelly, it has been just such an honor.
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: Same girl.
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: I feel like we're just two old friends talking on the phone right now.
• 51:21
  Speaker 2: I love it, I know.
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: We keep talking about meeting in the middle somewhere for a little weekend retreat and we definitely need that to happen.
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: But I'm so grateful that the listeners got to hear from you.
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: I know that there are so many nuggets of wisdom and I will make sure to tag all of Kelly's information in the show notes.
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: And she's a fun follow.
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: She's not super active on social, but that means that when something shows up, you can get really excited about it because it's like once a month, so it makes the post that she does put up really really have a lot of value.
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: So her family is just stunning and it is so fun to watch her love her people so well.
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: It is obvious that that is something that she feels the Lord has called her to and she owns that job like a boss and it is so fun to watch you do that.
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: So, kelly, thank you so much Till we are here again next week, coming into school and all the things.
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: We know that mamas are busy and we are just thinking of all of you.
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: So, again, be sure to share this episode.
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: I know that mamas are busy and we are just thinking of all of you, so, again, be sure to share this episode.
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: I know that this is a topic that we don't talk about.
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: A ton is this middle age and the emotions of letting kids go and some of those struggles.
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: So be sure to share this episode with a friend, either through your social or through a simple text.
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: So until next week, friends, take care.