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Breaking Free From Negative Patterns · The D Shift

• 0:05
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hi, and welcome to the D Shift Podcast. Today we have Leigh Schutzky. And she is a certified life and mindset coach and Leigh's going to share with us some ways to look at things a little bit differently that I think is very refreshing. So we thank you for being here. Really appreciate your time today.
• 0:42
  Leigh Schutzky: Oh, thank you, you, Mardi, that this is great. You're so very welcome. Looking forward to being here.
• 0:47
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Well, and I'm going to put you right on the spot right off the bat and asked you to tell us a little bit about your story and your area of expertise. Because it is interesting. Yeah,
• 0:56
  Leigh Schutzky: so my story, it's funny because I actually so i It includes over drinking alcohol, and I had actually stopped over drinking in 2018. And at that point, I thought I had made it. But really what I realized was that I hadn't. And so just a little bit of the history leading up to that I had started experimenting with alcohol when I was really little, my dad left my family when when I was 11. So a lot of that was like suppressing my voice dealing with a lot of anger. And that carried over into my relationships, including at that time I was I was married for about nine years. And so that definitely affected my relationship with my husband, and in our audience is people that are better, you know, looking at life beyond divorce. But even after I divorced, it's still affected my relationships with men and things like that. And so like I said, When I finally stopped in 2018, I thought, Well, I had made it. And then what I realized, though, was I actually was perpetuating these patterns that had been in place for decades. And I actually lost a friendship and 2020 as part of that. And it wasn't even related to alcohol, it was just realizing that these patterns. And what I realized was that I was still trying to do things in relationships with other people where I was trying to actually love myself. And so that was what was the discovery, like I said, an eye opening discovery that was that oh my a lot of my relationship patterns and things like that were really about me trying to figure out how to actually love myself, but I was just projecting all this into, you know, into my marriage, and through my divorce and through relationships, and even through friendships. And so what I really discovered when I got into coaching was really the value of really working with someone one on one, and really actually seeing that and really seeing it for what it was. But that was kind of that turning point of being like that aha moment of like, oh, wow, I'm still perpetuating these behaviors in these patterns. And it has nothing to do any more with me over drinking alcohol. It's really just me trying to use relationships, but really is about me learning how to love myself, regardless of the relationships around me.
• 3:05
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Well, thank you. And can you tell? Can you talk a little bit about those patterns? Like you've used that word a couple of times? And I'm always curious, when people use the word pattern, what does that what does it mean to you? And do you have some examples of what it might look like in in my life or somebody else's life who's sitting there and thinking, I wonder if I've got any of these things going on
• 3:26
  Leigh Schutzky: the patterns for me personally, like I said, My dad left when I was 11. So what I saw that I started doing again, part of it was just turning to alcohol to kind of suppress my voice and suppress my growing anger. But the other pattern in relationships was being in situations with unavailable men like like, like after my marriage after my divorce, being in relationships where the man was kind of already unavailable like one man was separated another man I knew he didn't want to commit he made me that very clear. And we were still in relationships for you know, a few years so that was part of it was those are some of the patterns of getting involved in relationships where someone wasn't available, but even in friendships, I was perpetuating that pattern of walking away like not even have and that was part of what I remembered from when I was little was like the decision was made my parents were divorcing that was moving out no discussion it was just like a sit down conversation this is it No, no talking about it or anything. It's been done. Right. And so that was another pattern that I perpetuated was walking away from people without learning how to even like friends without learning how to have a conversation and not letting my anger like get in the way or explode or blow up in the relationship and just kind of being like, either it's I'm in this relationship and they're in this friendship with me your relationship and it's going great, and everything's amazing or up. Something's happened. Something's blown up. I I'm gonna walk away from this completely. So those were some Other patterns that I saw for myself and again, the coaching really helped me see that. So
• 5:05
  Mardi Winder-Adams: that's what I was going to ask you. How did you? How did you become aware that those were patterns because just from my personal experience, because I'm, I've also gone through coach training, and I am I am a coach as well. So one of the things that I know, before I started working on some of this stuff was that I would kind of go, well, there's another idiot that I'm dealing with. It just was, it was it was like kind of that thing, no matter where you go, there you are, like, I just kept running into the same relationships. And I've got to say, I was fairly fortunate that I had really good friends who were really patient with me. And and I've got to I've got to admit that I guess I started realizing that some of this stuff was me fairly early on it probably because some of the work I was doing and some of the training I was taking, but what might be some of the signs or what what do you think people should look for to see if it's a pattern? Or is it a problem with the other person? Where do you see what makes a pattern, I guess, what characteristics are you looking for?
• 6:11
  Leigh Schutzky: So it's kind of interesting, because you mentioned two things there that are really important. So I agree, I knew that these were patterns that I had, and that I was perpetuating. And I was I was assuming it was about me over drinking alcohol. Like it's really it was me. Realizing that I was like, Oh, I was trying to look externally to figure out how to love myself. Your other question, though, about other people in our lives. That's really what I learned as part of the coaching piece of. And part of this is like, I'm not sure if any of your audience has heard this, like if they've gone through couples counseling or couples therapy, but a lot of times traditional talk therapy talks about what can the other person give you like, what it's about what can you do for this other person. And what I really learned is that it's really about how can we love ourselves and make ourselves happy and find joy with ourselves, regardless of what everyone else around us is doing. Because truly, no one else can make us happy. We're the ones that have that power over creating that joy and connection our lives. And so that's, that's one thing for your audience is that if they've ever heard that, like, well ask your partner ask this other person, like, what can they do to make you happy? It's like, that's kind of a flawed design. Because you're, you're looking towards something external and other person when really it's like, no, this is about learning how we can create that inner joy and that inner love for ourselves. So that's
• 7:33
  Mardi Winder-Adams: gonna lead me to my next question, you probably already know what it is. What what is one small step that somebody could take today? Let's say they recognize there is a pattern. Let's say they feel you know, I've gone through periods of time in my life where I probably overindulging alcohol, not probably I did. So what do you think? What do you think? If you recognize that, what should what should? What can you do? Like what do you do with that information once you've got it?
• 8:01
  Leigh Schutzky: So one of the big things that I and especially if someone is thinking about the past, is I love the concept. So like when I'm coaching with clients and working with them, we work on what are their now thoughts and their now feelings about something that happened in the past. And so I call it like, what are our now thoughts creating or now feelings. So using the example, my dad leaving when I was 11, and in the conversation we had that happened decades ago. But it's my thoughts now about it that are creating my experiences today about something that happened decades ago. And so that's one thing that I would share with your audience. It's another way to kind of reframe the past. And it's not, we want to acknowledge the past, for sure. We want to acknowledge what happened. But I think that's where we start to create these stories is we don't realize that, well, I can think about this a different way. It's like I totally understand my mom and dad had issues. I know they had issues. And I'm sure they went through long periods of time. And I mean, this wasn't an overnight decision, even though the conversation was like a one day sit me down and tell me. So it's like what am I now thoughts today about something in the past that are creating my now feelings. So I think for your audience, they can like if they if they have a recurring pattern that's coming up, they can ask that they can say, well, what are my now thoughts about something that's may have happened before, and that's my narrow experience today. And that just starts to kind of crack the door open and create a little bit more of an awareness, but that's something people can do immediately.
• 9:24
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Right. And I just want to throw this in here because I always like to just clarify when we're talking about coaching, and I really liked that idea of now thoughts. We're not talking about a therapeutic process. So there may be times where as as a coach or somebody comes to you, I know I get this quite often where I will say to people, really that's outside of that's how that's how it's outside of my paygrade and that there, you know, there really are are some very excellent therapists who can work with you on that. But as coaches we really work with the practical, day to day changes that you can make um, To to, to grow, to develop to move forward. So if somebody's having starts to see that crack, and they start to realize that okay, yes, I have those feelings about the past, these are the thoughts I have now, this is a pattern I'm seeing in my life. What what do they need to do to start making changes? Like, how do they go about that? That process? Like, it's pretty hard to go from zero to 60 in a second. So what are the micro goals? Or the baby steps or whatever term people like to use to get from? There yours today?
• 10:35
  Leigh Schutzky: Yeah, the first thing when I'm working with somebody is really helping them really see how those those unintentional thoughts are what are creating their feelings for today. And so like, the example is, like, you've probably heard this, we have 40 to 60,000 thoughts a day. So most of that comes from our subconscious. So I think a lot of clients don't realize that. And so first off, it's helping them understand. These thoughts are coming up, our brain is operating normally, it's operating perfectly, everything is just fine. The thin string, engage our higher brain or human brain, just start to question it and ask good questions, not good, powerful questions, where it's, what am I making this mean about me? Or what is going on? For me right now? Why is this coming up? Why am I experiencing some kind of emotional trigger? Or what is the problem that I'm seeing are really helping them helping clients question it, but but most importantly, not from a place of judgment, but from a place of curiosity, because that's also what I see a lot of is something will have happened in the past. But then people continue to pile on all this guilt and shame and this remorse. And they don't realize that that's all stuff that can be questioned and unraveled. And so it's really separate from the incident that happened in the past, but it's like, clients blaming themselves as the person that was in that experience as the daughter or as the sister or as the mother or as the CIP, you know. So that's another thing that I help them really look at. But you're right, the first part of it is really helping start to catch those, because they're so quick, they'll just come up, people will say him, and they don't even see it. So it's like even almost helping clients start to reflect that mirror back. And just question and most importantly, from again, from that curiosity, and not having the judgment, because we're so quick to judge all of us. And that's,
• 12:20
  Mardi Winder-Adams: yeah, that's normal behavior. And I think the more stress we're under, the more that inner critic or that Negative Nelly, or whatever you want to say, in your mind, the louder they get in our heads. And so I think you are bang on when you're talking about any kind of thought that comes into your head that oh, this is all my fault, or I should have done this better. Or, and I'm thinking a lot of the women that you know, that come and work with me when they're contemplating divorce, they're like, I'm everybody's gonna hate me, I'm just going to be a bad person. It means I failed in my life. And they you know, you have to stop and say, really? Where's the evidence for this? Like, what? Where are you basing this on? Because we do we get so critical to ourselves? So do you ever encourage people to use that? What would you tell your best friend if they came to you with this problem? Do you ever get them to use that?
• 13:18
  Leigh Schutzky: I have used that. I just kind of spend more time with them though questioning like, like I said, like, what am I making this mean about me? Or like asking me like, so this? Is the situation distinguish reality of it? What are you making about meat? What are you making? It means about you? And right helping score that that is a good example, like sometimes I'll say, what I'll ask them? Can you imagine a different way? Or can you imagine somebody reacting a different way to the same exact situation? So we're not changing the situation, but we're saying can you imagine that someone else in the world might react a little differently? Or my like thinking a little differently? So it's similar to what you're suggesting?
• 14:01
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And and is that? Is that what you would call that mindset shift when people start to be able to? Or can you can you identify what you would call a mindset shift around a particular issue like blame or guilt or, or shame or
• 14:15
  Leigh Schutzky: anything? For me, the biggest mindset shift, like the biggest eye opener, is really understanding that situations and circumstances around us are truly neutral, and how to get really factual, like, people will think they're being factual and they'll say something and it's still they're just telling themselves a story. Or it's a belief that's been handed to them by somebody else. So like using alcohol as an example, the act of taking a drink is totally neutral. But society as a society makes us think we're being bad. And so it's like, but it's not it's just the act of taking a drink. There's nothing inherently wrong with taking a drink. There's nothing inherently wrong with eating chocolate chip cookie. There's nothing wrong with have been in a relationship with somebody and struggling society's society that makes us feel like in blue, if everything isn't roses and daisies, that's where I talk about the big lie. There's a problem with me fixing. And it's like, that's not allowing any room for the full human experience, which is all our emotions we like and the ones we're uncomfortable with. So I think that's the biggest thing that really helped me see, like, the situations around us truly are, we can get them as factual as possible. And factual can be something that happened words that were said, but our emotions are coming from, well, how are we experiencing that? What are we thinking about it? So that was kind of the biggest eye opening, that's where I really helped clients started.
• 15:34
  Mardi Winder-Adams: That's what I was that that is such a valuable resource is to have somebody who's neutral, who's confidential, who you can say something to, and they're going to give you feedback that not, they're not going to give you feedback. That was, I meant to say, they're not going to give your feedback, they're going to ask you questions, to delve deeper into your own? Why is this relevant? Why are you thinking this? You know, where does this fit on your values chart? How does this align with how you want to see yourself and your place in the world, and you don't get that from your friends, you don't get that from your priest, or your pastor, or your attorney, or even your therapist necessarily, it's really helpful to have that neutral person just to ask those questions. Exactly. Um, what do you think is the biggest challenge? I'm putting you on the spot here, Lee? Because I didn't tell you, I was gonna ask you, what do you think would be the biggest challenge for women making the decision to end a relationship and a marriage and going through divorce? What do you think is their biggest? That guilt or that fear? Or what? What's hanging around in there that's causing the most problems?
• 16:45
  Leigh Schutzky: That's a really great question, Marie. I think the biggest thing is that our brains want to catastrophize. And so when we're looking forward, we're always looking for what's the how, how am I going to do this? Oh, my gosh, this is going to upset the family. How is this going to happen? So really, our brains like run down the train, track and run forward into the future. And again, our brains are operating normally, they're trying to keep us safe. So that's part of it is you know, that safety and security. But really, so if someone is dealing with that. Part of it is bringing them back to the here and now like, what is going on for me right now. And also realizing, again, that we can't hurt other people, we do things and other people have thoughts about what we do. I think another part of it is that you talked earlier about our inner judge that comes up, everyone is going to judge us regardless of what we do or don't do. And so really realizing that I'm going to do what I'm going to do and be in integrity with myself, and some people are going to be okay with it, and some are not. And that's okay. And even if I did it differently, some people are going to be okay with it, and some are not. And so realizing that it's not our responsibility to make others happy. It's our responsibility to be true and integrity with ourselves, and they're going to judge us regardless, they're going to judge us positively or negatively. And so it's like, and again, that takes courage to really be like, and again, we're not trying to be malicious, absolutely not. But it's like realizing that, you know, I'm going to do this action, they may be upset with it, and they may not, but that's all about how they're thinking about and how they're feeling that's not about my action, that's about what's going on with them.
• 18:24
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Yeah, and it's, you know, I hear this, I hear this quite often from women that have stayed in relationships for extended periods of time. You know, and some of them have stayed in relationships that are abusive physically, emotionally, financially, you know, mental health abuse in the relationship. And they've stayed because they didn't, they thought their parents didn't want them to leave, or they thought their church wasn't going to agree, or they didn't want to create a negative image of their relationship of themselves of their kids of their eat sometimes of the abusive spouse. And so, I mean, I understand why that might happen. But it's the fact that even if you if you stay or if you go like you say, there's going to be judgment issues that people are going to make and that you can't control them all you can do is make sure that what you're doing is in your best interest. That's not like you say malicious it's not intended to hurt anybody. But at some point in time, you have to make the call and you have to do what's right for you and and if there's children involved, obviously what's right for the kids as well.
• 19:32
  Leigh Schutzky: Yeah, I mean, like with my ex husband and I it was like same kind of thing we our entire families they both loved love both of us it was like it took us a long time to kind of go through the process and and we did go through therapy and we still am getting divorced but it's like we were end up being friends, which was fine. But so that's one example of like, party it was feeling that pressure and again, this was before I was coaching, so I didn't know it's like feeling pressure from family and friends. But even in a relationship I had later on it was that same thing and we're like If I was in a relationship, and couple years, I knew that wasn't a healthy relationship. But I didn't feel strong enough, safe enough and integrity enough to walk away. And so I still stayed in that relationship for like three more years. But I knew your two that it wasn't good. And I should leave. And again, that was me. Worried about people around me and externally. And so I think that's the big thing is for the audience, for our listeners is that, again, we're going to be judged regardless of what we do, or we don't do and really being comfortable with, yeah, people are going to judge us and that's, that's just normal human behavior. We judge others too. We judge ourselves, we judge others, we judge our circumstances, it's all normal. And that kind of becomes a kind of freedom when you realize that. Yeah, regardless of what I do, or don't do, someone's gonna, someone's gonna be happy with it, and someone's gonna be unhappy with it as I go, okay. I'm gonna do what's integrity with myself? Because no one that's where people whose economy comes so toxic to as people think. They try to people please, and that they don't realize that that's a zero sum game that never
• 21:04
  Mardi Winder-Adams: worked. Yeah, that's a whole different ballgame. You could do that. Yeah, but and that the the other thing that just made you made me think of this, when you were talking there about I both that whole process of being judged, and judging and everything, I think we can all be a little kinder to other people like, I, when I was 20, or 25, people that knew me, then I was, um, was super judgmental. I mean, I just knew what was supposed to. And if you weren't doing it, that was on you. And now the older I get now that I'm double that and plus up, I find like, I'm not that judgmental, I'm willing to say, okay, that's not something I would have done, but I'm at least willing to be open and listen to why they made that decision, or at least recognize that I don't have the full picture. And, you know, posts on Facebook and social media. That's what they are. They're, they're their posts, they're not the truth. They're not the reality. They're, they're what people want you to see them. And you know, we've all experienced that, where we thought things were great. And then all of a sudden, no, everything was really bad in a relationship or situation. So I think that's something we can all do is recognize that judgment factor in ourselves. It's something I have to work on, because I'm bad.
• 22:21
  Leigh Schutzky: And we all have it. And that's part of it is I think it's easier for us to release judgment around others, but we're still our harshest critic critics. And that's why it's hard for us to have empathy for ourselves. Because we're our harshest critic. So I agree. It's like, I'm like, oh, yeah, it's way easier for me to be like, Oh, I'm just gonna let this go and not worry about what someone else is doing. But it's like, I'm still when I turn inward. It's like, oh, I'm still really harsh and judgmental. And that's why I talk about the importance of asking questions from that place of curiosity, not from a place of judging ourselves, but how can we be curious, have grace for ourselves, have compassion, have love. And that's really when the coach in that coaching relationship, when we're doing that, like talk about doing that, where it's a neutral person asking, we're doing it from that place of holding space for the client, and helping them learn how to question those things in a safe space where they're not beating themselves up.
• 23:12
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Absolutely. I love that. That's a great, that's a great way to sum up that. So if I had to ask you for one kind of final caption or one key takeaway from what we've talked about today that you'd like people to remember from this conversation, what do you want them to walk out of here, or walk away from today and have it top of their mind?
• 23:34
  Leigh Schutzky: The top of the mind is, and I mentioned this a little earlier is that what I see in the messaging around us is that we're broken, and we're a problem. And we need fixing. And that's why I talked about like break free from the big line. And that's the big lies that were a problem me fixing. And it's like, that's absolutely not the truth. It's like that's like, it's like saying that our innate humaneness is a problem that our human condition or human experience is a problem. And it's like, Absolutely not. Because our human experience allowing that full spectrum of what we go through in life and the emotions we go through in life really allows the 100% of our human you know, like, if you look at like a, you'd have your beautiful painting on the wall, it's like using all the colors to paint the canvas of our lives. And so I think realizing that, no all the ups and downs in our lives. There's nothing wrong with that, that is part of being human. And absolutely, someone can make changes if they want to, but not from thinking they need to be fixed.
• 24:32
  Mardi Winder-Adams: I love that. That is a great way to summarize so thank you for that. Lee if people want to get in touch with you learn more about what you do, where can they where can they find you?
• 24:41
  Leigh Schutzky: The best place is on LinkedIn. That's where my best profile is at and so that's got all my current information everything there I have a basic landing page website but like I said LinkedIn as I was only information
• 24:52
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Yeah. And that's all in the notes below the show, so we will definitely take a look at that. And lead this has been a phenomenal combo. sation, thank you so much for sharing and sharing your expertise with us. And a little more to maybe you if you would be interested in come back and talk a little bit more a little bit later on.
• 25:10
  Leigh Schutzky: Yeah, that'd be awesome. Yeah. I love this. This has been so great. Thank you so much, Marty.
• 25:13
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Thanks, Leigh. Talk soon. Bye bye. Thanks for listening and supporting the D Shift podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests, and have the chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts. Join the D Shift crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www dot divorce coach for women and click on the podcast page.