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Transcript

Symphony of Parenting: Navigating Manipulation Tactics for Healthier Co-Parenting After Divorce · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: You're listening to episode 75.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: I've heard from a lot of you that this series on parenting has been what you've needed to hear.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: I've appreciated all of your comments Over the course of the last few weeks.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: I have been discussing several topics, being consistent, in episode 71.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: This is a must for any single parent.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: This is a must for any single parent.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: In episode 72, I discussed how to not trash talk your ex in front of your kids.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: It's very hard to do, but in the long run it will be worth it.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: In episode 73, I just wanted to speak to you about your children's transition weekly from home to home.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: The few steps I shared will hopefully cause it to be an easier transition for them.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: And last week, in episode 74, I hit a topic that is about having the urge to compete with your Disneyland co-parent.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: This is not the happiest place on earth.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: But today I want to discuss a topic that is seen but is hard to define and know what it looks like, because we don't really know the motive behind it.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: However, as we watch and listen, we will figure it out before our children do so.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Keeping it to ourselves and not screaming it out to the world is hard.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: You may be wondering what I am talking about, and this week's topic is manipulation and triangulation.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: To start off, let me give you the definitions of each word.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Triangulation this is a manipulative tactic where a person brings a third party into a two-person interaction to create conflict, alleviate anxiety or gain control.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: In the context of divorced parents, this often involves using the children or other family members to relay messages, create tension or take sides.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Manipulation this involves exerting undue influence over someone to control their actions or decisions.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: In divorce situations, manipulation can take many forms, including emotional blackmail, guilt, tripping and twisting facts.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: I'd like to give you three quick examples of what this may look like, and maybe you've experienced it and, man, if you haven't, this is great news.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: The first one is using your children as a messenger.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: For instance, a parent tells their child hey, go tell your mom that I'm not happy with the current custody arrangement.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: This forces the child to carry adult burdens and puts them in the middle of their parent's conflict.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: No, the other example, creating parental alienation.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: One parent is consistently speaking negatively about the other parent to the children, aiming to damage the children's relationship with that parent.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: This can involve exaggerating flaws, fabricating stories or undermining the other parent's authority.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: And the third one is emotional blackmail.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: A parent may say things like If you really love me, you'd want to live with me all the time, or your dad or mom doesn't care about you like I do.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: This uses the child's emotions to manipulate their behavior and create feelings of guilt and disloyalty.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: In this instance, sometimes a parent facilitator is required, and one that is court ordered and reports to the court.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Let me explain.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: This will require a probably going back to court with your attorney to demand to have a parent facilitator.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: This court order facilitator follows the decree and, more importantly, can't find the parent, if it comes to it, for not following.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: It's crucial to understand the very real and damaging effects that triangulation and manipulation can have on children of divorced parents.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Some specific damages to children.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Number one they have increased anxiety and stress because when children are placed in the middle of their parents' conflicts, they experience significant emotional turmoil.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: This can lead to chronic anxiety, difficulty sleeping and even result in some physical symptoms.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Number two they can have low self-esteem and have feelings of powerlessness.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Being forced to take sides or carry adult emotional burdens can make children feel inadequate and helpless.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: They may feel responsible for their parents' happiness, which, as we all know, is an impossible burden to bear.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Number three they themselves will have difficulty forming healthy relationships, because children who witness or experience manipulation may learn unhealthy relationship patterns.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: They may struggle to trust others, have difficulty setting boundaries or replicate manipulative behaviors in their own relationships.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Number four there can be emotional and behavioral problems.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Triangulation and manipulation can lead to a range of emotional and behavioral issues, including depression, anger, acting out and sometimes withdrawal.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: Number five damage to the parent and child relationship.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Parental alienation, a form of extreme manipulation, can severely damage or destroy a child's relationship with one parent.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: This can cause lifelong emotional pain and create feelings of confusion and betrayal.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: It is not easy to recover.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: However, it is very important to protect the children from these behaviors.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Here are a few ways to help.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Number one establish clear boundaries.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Parents should communicate directly with each other, avoiding the use of children as intermediaries.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: Use communication tools that document conversations, such as co-parenting apps or email.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: These actions directly reduce the child's exposure to conflict and manipulation, minimizing their anxiety and stress.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: This is why establishing clear boundaries and maintaining consistent communication is vital.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: When parents communicate directly, children then are shielded from this stress.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Establishing clear boundaries and not using the children as messengers protect the children from this form of damage.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Number two maintain consistent communication.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Regular, respectful communication between parents can minimize misunderstandings and reduce the likelihood of manipulation.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Focus on the children's needs and avoid personal attacks.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: Number three prioritize your children's well-being.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: Remind yourself that the children's emotional health is paramount.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children, because this reinforces the child's sense of security and value, countering feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: Prioritizing the children's well-being and seeking professional help can counteract this.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Number four seek professional help.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: A therapist or counselor specializing in co-parenting can provide guidance and support.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: They can help parents develop healthy communication strategies and address the emotional impact of triangulation and support.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: They can help parents develop healthy communication strategies and address the emotional impact of triangulation and manipulation.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Therapists also can teach children coping mechanisms and help them understand that they are not responsible for their parents' problems.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Finally, number five.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Finally, number five document everything.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Keep records of all communication and any events that occur.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: This can be very helpful if legal intervention becomes necessary.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Documenting everything and seeking professional help allows for the adults to learn healthy communication skills that will, in turn, be modeled for their children.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: By taking these steps, divorced parents can minimize the harmful effects of triangulation and manipulation and create a more stable and supportive environment for their children.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: If you find yourself in this place, please contact your attorney, the sooner the better.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Even though these expenses can be huge, they are necessary for the well-being of both you and your children.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Let me say this I am very sorry that you're in this place.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: I have seen this firsthand and how detrimental it can be for children.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: Act in the best interest of your children.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: This isn't an overnight fix.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: It could take several years for you to see the benefit of all that you're doing.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Remember that your children didn't divorce their other parent.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: That's all for today.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Join me next time in the final episode on the Symphony of Parenting, as I discuss not using your children as your counselor.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Some of you actually need to hear this.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: It is a powerful message.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: You won't want to miss it.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next time.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout-out to Country Club for the original music.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: Thank you.