Latest / Homeschool Insights - Biblical Home Education Inspiration in Under 10 Minutes! / Is Your Past Affecting How You Parent? What Trauma Reveals - Mary DeMuth
Transcript
- speaker-0: I knew that what I saw growing up was what I was gonna become because we're taught more by actions than we are by words. And so I needed to go through this process of healing in order to not make those same mistakes that I had experienced that brought so much trauma to me as a child. speaker-1: I think this conversation is going to touch a nerve in the best possible way for a lot of moms and dads because motherhood and fatherhood has a fun way of revealing things in us that we didn't even realize were still there. So to kind of start us off, I think we often kind of put the past in the past, right? That's kind of what we're taught like, you know, leave it behind you, just don't even think about it. But it has a way of shaping how we relate and respond and kind of move throughout each day. So Why is it important to restory our lives? speaker-0: It's important because we need to know our stories. And if we don't work on them, ⁓ unearth them, talk about them, share them, ⁓ work through them, then we sadly ⁓ are not bound to, but likely to repeat some of the very things that we are rebelling against. So for instance, for me growing up in a neglected and abusive home, I really Just knew that I had to tackle that story because I knew that what I saw growing up was what I was gonna become because we're taught more by actions than we are by words. And so I needed to go through this process of healing in order to not do the things Lord willing. I mean, I made a one million mistakes, so don't get me wrong. ⁓ but to not make those same mistakes that I had experienced that brought so much trauma to me as a child. speaker-1: Yeah. Now, you know, you use the word trauma. So for a lot of parents listening, they might not understand like, you know, they might not even associate anything in their past with trauma or emotional wounds. But what are some signs that maybe there's some old hurts that may still be affecting us today? speaker-0: We typically like to sh as you already mentioned, shove things down and pretend that they didn't sound good at it. And then and then like your mother's words come out of your mouth and you're like ⁓ and so we find out that we're affected by our past, by our actions, particularly the actions that freak us out and are like, ⁓ I never wanted to do that. I didn't want to body shame my child or whatever thing it is that you did that you feel bad about. That's an indication that You do have something. It may be a big T trauma, it may be a little T trauma. ⁓ and that's okay. We also need to be very careful about comparing our stories to somebody else. A lot of times I see this trauma comparison where I'll meet someone and they'll be like, Well, my trauma wasn't as bad as yours, or I'll say, My trauma wasn't as bad as yours. So therefore I shouldn't really struggle like I'm struggling. It happened to you, it harmed you, it changed your perspective. So it needs to be worked through. speaker-1: Yes. You know, that was actually part of my story is that in somewhere in my brain, I told myself I wasn't beaten and I wasn't raped. So therefore, I don't have trauma. Cause those are the two things that I thought, well, that is that's what trauma is. And so it was a surprise to me as I was struggling so much for so many years, because I didn't understand that, you know, like divorce can be a trauma that can be traumatic for a child, especially at the age in which it happened. I moved away from family. You know, I had, you know, school bullying. I had all of these different things. I was a latchkey kid. So I spent a lot of time alone. And so that was really interesting. And actually, what I found out as I was going through all of, you know, in learning as the Lord exposed things that were happening in my life, I realized, wow, that's why I'm so overprotective. Because my husband kept going, because we have three older, like we have the three boys at the top and the two little girls at the bottom. And so it's like, Even with the boys, I'm like, I was just this mother hen and I did not want anything to happen to them. And I didn't understand, you know, like why why am I doing this? But it's because the unsafety from my childhood was showing up in my parenting. ⁓ and so like, how can like Why do you think that happens so often? I think especially like I I did a good job for so many years, like shoving it down. So why is it that, you know, parenting or like we'll we'll speak as moms, like why motherhood has this weird way of kind of exposing these areas that we we did a good job of hiding them before, but why are they coming back up? speaker-0: I don't know. It seems kind of unfair to be honest. No, because we tried so, so hard. ⁓ but I do think if we look at parenthood as part of our sanctification and discipleship journey, then of course, because if you're a normal parent, you're gonna get to the end of your rope very quickly. And when you get to the end of your rope, you fall back on bad patterns that you experienced as a child. And so it's not a negative per se of nya, you're you're bad and you're repeating these mistakes. It's more like, ⁓ God is gently revealing to me that I have another level of healing to go through. And since he's a gentleman healer, he has brought this to me in a gentle way on a timeline that I can walk with. He doesn't give it to us all at once, thank goodness. Because that would be rough. I don't think I could have done it. And so yeah, I think it It feels sometimes unfair, ⁓ but it's also God's way of growing us. speaker-2: This episode of Homeschool Insights is brought to you by BJU Press Homeschool, CTC Math, and the Explorer Bible for Kids. Visit the show notes to learn more about these excellent resources. And for more encouragement, listen to the Schoolhouse Rocked Podcast at Schoolhouseroct.com.