Latest / The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time / E017: Mom Needed a Little Self-Care, So Did I: Caregiver Self-Care

Transcript

E017: Mom Needed a Little Self-Care, So Did I: Caregiver Self-Care · The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: One of the things you learn pretty quickly when you're caring for an aging parent is that you have to be able to pivot constantly.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Not necessarily because something has gone wrong.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes things are actually going pretty well.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: But when your parent is in the hospital or rehab, priorities have a funny way of rearranging themselves.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: You deal with the crisis in front of you.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: And then you deal with the next thing.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: And the next thing.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: And eventually when things finally start settling down a little, you start noticing all the things that got pushed to the bottom of the list.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: And apparently, self care had decided it was ready to rear its ugly head.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: For both of us.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Mom needed a haircut.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Her nails needed to be trimmed.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: And somewhere along the way, I was beginning to realize that I needed a little care too.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, I would have loved a spa day.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: A whole day.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Someone else taking care of me for a change.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: But I didn't have time for that.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I barely had fifteen minutes for myself.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the Wicked Daughter, caring for my aging parent one meltdown at a time.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: If you're new here, here's the short version.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: A few months ago, my eighty-eight year old mother was hit by a car.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: At first we thought we were dealing with a broken leg and a fractured foot.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Then the complications started.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Five weeks later, after a ventilator, ICU, an acute care hospital, and enough medical drama to fill an entire season of general hospital, Mom finally made it to rehab.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're about two and a half weeks into rehab now.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: She's getting stronger, she's feeding herself, but everything else still requires assistance.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: PT, OT, getting in and out of bed, getting dressed, pretty much all of it.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: As things started to settle into a routine, we could finally start making room for some of the ordinary things again, like getting a haircut.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because apparently, after almost eight weeks in hospitals and rehab, mom's hair was in desperate need of attention.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And her nails weren't exactly looking their best either.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Originally, Mom and I had an appointment to get a haircut a few days after the accident.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, that appointment didn't happen.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Eight weeks later, we finally got around to it.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Fortunately, rehab had a hair and nail salon right there in the building.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: I made an appointment, I wheeled mom down, and that was it.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: No car, no wheelchair transportation, no coordinating with an outside doctor's office, no paperwork, no figuring out how to get her from point A to point B.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: We just went to the salon.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, it was wonderful to have something be that simple.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And the staff were wonderful.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: They were used to working with people in rehab.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: They knew how to work around wheelchairs and limited mobility.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: They knew mom might need a little extra time, and they treated her like a person who was there to get her hair and nails done.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Not like a medical chart with a pulse.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: And when mom was finished, she looked like a different person.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Her hair was done, her nails were trimmed.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: She felt better.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, I felt better looking at her.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes something that seems incredibly small isn't small at all.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: After almost eight weeks of hospitals, rehabs, medications, procedures, tests, machines, and people constantly telling us what was wrong, Mom got to sit in a salon chair and have someone make her feel like herself again.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: She got to look in the mirror and see something other than patient.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we both needed that.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And before I move on, I want to take a minute to say thank you to Tina.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Tina recently bought me five coffees through Buy Me a Coffee.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: And she left me the most incredibly kind message about how the podcast has helped her through her own caregiving journey.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Tina, thank you.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Seriously.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Knowing that something I'm doing from the middle of my own caregiving chaos is helping someone else means more to me than I can really put into words.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, that's a little bit of self-care for me, too.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes taking care of yourself isn't just about getting a haircut or taking 15 minutes to sit down.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's knowing that what you're going through and what you're sharing might be making someone else feel a little less alone.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: So Tina, thank you for the coffees.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And thank you for reminding me why I'm doing this.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: And that haircut for mom, it reminded me that self-care doesn't have to be some big elaborate production.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's getting your hair done.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's getting your nails done.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's sitting down for fifteen minutes and doing absolutely nothing.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Not answering an email, not making a phone call, not making a list.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Just sitting.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, I need to remind myself of this constantly.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because as I'm recording this episode, it's two o'clock in the afternoon, and I haven't taken a shower yet today.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: So apparently, this podcast is helping me too.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to stop recording and go take a shower because apparently I need to practice when I'm preaching.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: But that's the point.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever it is that makes you feel a little more like yourself, take the fifteen minutes.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need an hour.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need a spa day.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you might need a spa day, but you don't have the time right now.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: So take the fifteen minutes.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need to earn it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Everything else will still be there when you get back.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Trust me.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And while mom was getting a little bit of normal life back, the medical calendar, of course, had other plans.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: We had another appointment coming up.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Her orthopedist.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Rehab had scheduled it for six weeks after her second surgery.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember looking at the date thinking, wait, already?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: You see, we'd originally been told Ma might be able to start putting weight on the leg somewhere around six to eight weeks after surgery.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Then the resident who removed her sutures gave me a more realistic expectation.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: For someone who was eighty-eight years old, it would probably be closer to eight to twelve weeks.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that made more sense to me.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Eight to twelve weeks.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: So when I looked at the appointment date and I realized how early it was, I actually considered rescheduling it.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Why go all the way to the orthopedic surgeon when I was expecting him to tell us not yet?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: But then I thought you know what?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just go.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to know that mom's leg was healing properly.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And after all the complications we'd already been through, I wasn't going to assume everything was fine.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: If there was a problem with the healing, I wanted to know about it sooner rather than later.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, it was another$150 for transportation.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't exactly have an extra$150 sitting around waiting to be spent on wheelchair transportation.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: But I figured it was better to spend the money now to make sure everything was healing properly than save the$150 and find out later that we'd missed a problem.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: So we went.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: The doctor's office was about 14 miles away.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Fourteen miles each way.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: And somehow the transportation charge was only slightly more than our first trip.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently, once you start traveling by wheelchair accessible van, distance becomes its own pricing philosophy.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: But we got there.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: Mom stayed in her wheelchair.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: The front office took the x-rays from rehab that I brought.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Then we waited.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: The orthopedist came in.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: He looked at the x-rays, he examined Mom's leg.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: He had her bend it.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: He looked at her again.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then he said she could bear weight.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: She could bear weight.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: At six weeks.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: Not eight.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Not ten.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Not the twelve I was expecting.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Six.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was shocked.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, everybody was shocked.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because I had gone into that appointment expecting one thing, and walked out with a completely different timeline.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: The orthopedist was amazed at how well Mom's leg was healing.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I have to give Mom credit a lot of credit.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know this wasn't just luck.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Mom had spent her entire life walking.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: She stayed active, she ate well, she took care of herself.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: She kept moving.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: And now at eighty eight years old, after everything her body had been through, her leg was healing faster than anyone had expected.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: She was healing.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I was thrilled.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Of course I was thrilled.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: Mom was healing.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: She was getting stronger.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: She could bear weight on that leg.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: That was all good news.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the thing about caregiving.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes good news can be stressful too.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because the good news can change everything.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Up until that appointment, I thought Mom had roughly two months before mom would come home.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Two months to work on mom's house two months to figure out where we were going to live two months to get everything ready.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: And suddenly maybe I had one One month Maybe.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even know yet.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: And that was the stressful part.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Not that mom was getting better.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: Not that she could bear weight.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was happy about that.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: It was the fact that the timeline I'd been planning around had just changed dramatically.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: And now I had to move.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Fast.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have the luxury of waiting for the perfect home anymore.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: I had to figure out what was actually available, what would work, and I had to do it quickly.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: So yes, I was happy and stressed.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Both things can be true.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're a caregiver, you probably already know that.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes the thing you've been desperately hoping for is also the thing that suddenly gives you a whole new problem to solve.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: And let's just say the house hunt got very interesting very quickly.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Around here?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently mom getting better was the thing that was going to lead to this week's meltdown.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, take care of yourself too.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the wicked daughter, caring for your aging parent, one meltdown at a time.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: When your friends say cherish this time, you smile while you're losing your mind.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Was it the pharmacy line or the rush our doctor drive?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: So you swallow that glare with a laugh and a sigh and say, Don't fret, dear.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're having the time of our lives.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: The time of our lives.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Wicked daughter.