Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Through the Challenges: Hope and Resilience for Single Parents | Ep. 139

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Through the Challenges: Hope and Resilience for Single Parents | Ep. 139 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Parenting without a partner can often feel like walking a tightrope, trying to stay balanced while juggling everything on your own.
• 0:16
  It's a journey marked by quiet resilience, and at times, it's a struggle.
• 0:20
  Overwhelming weight.
• 0:22
  Today on The Parenting Podcast, we're diving into what it means to parent solo and how to carve out moments of self care in the middle of life's demands.
• 0:34
  Whether you're navigating this path yourself or supporting someone who is, I'm Cheryl Lang, your host, and I invite you to join us as we explore the realities of single parenting with compassion and understanding.
• 0:56
  Ellen: Hello.
• 0:56
  Ellen: Hi.
• 0:57
  Ellen: It's good to be back.
• 0:59
  Ellen: Oh, you know what's been really fun?
• 1:01
  Ellen: Now that the weather's warmed up, we have a yard full of bunnies.
• 1:06
  Ellen: We just have a normal neighborhood yard, but somehow these bunny, I keep taking pictures of them, there's, and they come up on the deck, which is really fun.
• 1:13
  Ellen: Really?
• 1:14
  Ellen: They come up to your
• 1:14
  Cheryl: door?
• 1:15
  Ellen: Well, they don't come to the door, but they come up actually on the deck, which has, you know, patio furniture.
• 1:19
  Ellen: But there's like a bush, and they'll stand at the edge of the deck, on the top of the deck, and they'll be nibbling on the bush.
• 1:26
  Ellen: Oh, that
• 1:27
  Cheryl: tastes good.
• 1:27
  Ellen: Yeah, so, and I'm thinking, it's probably a shelter because we get hawks, too.
• 1:32
  Ellen: Oh.
• 1:32
  Ellen: Hawks will sit.
• 1:34
  Ellen: They're looking for the bunnies.
• 1:35
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:36
  Ellen: Well, we have a giant Swing set of those permanent old fashioned kind that are just the metal and we didn't put it in it was in there when we bought the house years ago, but we left it and turned it into a bird feeder.
• 1:48
  Ellen: So we hang bird seed bird feeders all over it.
• 1:52
  Ellen: And so then the hawks sit on the fence waiting for the birds to come and you can always tell.
• 1:58
  Ellen: When there's a hawk in the yard by the screaming of different birds, they send out an alarm.
• 2:02
  Ellen: It's really fun.
• 2:03
  Ellen: They send out the alarm sound.
• 2:05
  Ellen: But then the bunnies, what happened is bird seed drops on the ground and it sprouts little, uh, and the bunnies come and eat the little sprouted.
• 2:14
  Ellen: And then the hawks go after them.
• 2:16
  Ellen: Yeah, the bunnies are pretty big.
• 2:17
  Ellen: So I, I don't know if a hawk could actually, maybe a baby one, but these are full size bunny, but I guess they decided that they liked our deck So they pop up on our on our cover deck and there's another type of plant there that obviously they enjoy eating.
• 2:32
  Ellen: In fact, i'm going to put some carrots out for them.
• 2:34
  Ellen: You know, you've got
• 2:34
  Christie: a whole nature sign
• 2:36
  Ellen: in your backyard.
• 2:37
  Ellen: It's really fun.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: I have I have, bird feeders in the backyard and one time I was on my deck and whoosh, a red tail hawk.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: They're big.
• 2:48
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: Swooped down trying to get one of the birds.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: Oh my goodness.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: And then stored back up.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: I mean, he was three feet away from me oh, no.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: Okay, y'all, last episode, we started talking about something we have never directly addressed before, which is single parenting.
• 3:07
  Ellen: Yeah
• 3:07
  Cheryl: And uh, I'm so glad we did.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: We just kind of got started.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: We talked about our own walks and association with it in our own lives.
• 3:19
  Cheryl: And then just some of the practical challenges that single parents and our compassion for it.
• 3:24
  Ellen: Yeah
• 3:25
  Cheryl: All right.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: So.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: Having been I've been a single parent for over half of my time, uh, through widowhood.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: I don't know what the professionals say, but I would say that the practical, although it glares at you all the time, there's so much more of the emotional
• 3:44
  Other: that's
• 3:45
  Cheryl: so heavy and so weighty.
• 3:47
  Ellen: Yeah
• 3:47
  Cheryl: And so I thought we could come back and visit again and just address some of the issues and talk to the single parents that are listening to us and, bring some Thoughts to it to encourage them.
• 4:00
  Ellen: Yeah, because it is it's such a weighty thing a lot of times You know the single parent feels guilt, you know, because they're having to parent alone regardless of how they got there You know whether it was through death or divorce or just they never were married And so there's just automatically it's hard being one person with children Hard and I think that's where We all have to be sensitive to one another and people that are going through that recognizing that they may feel like they've got it together on the outside and they're doing okay, but they're carrying a huge burden,
• 4:38
  Cheryl: we've talked numerous times through TPP about self care
• 4:43
  Carol: including emotional self care.
• 4:46
  Carol: So I'm saying everything we said for married parents, it is 10 times, 100 times more important for you, our single parents.
• 4:57
  Carol: Right.
• 4:58
  Carol: Well,
• 4:58
  Christie: because there's automatically a loss of comfort and support.
• 5:03
  Christie: It sure is.
• 5:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:04
  Christie: And even in, In a two parent situation, you already, specifically moms, but I'm sure men too, feel hesitant to focus on themselves.
• 5:17
  Christie: As a parent, you feel like you need to be giving of yourself.
• 5:20
  Christie: And so I can only imagine how that would be magnified, walking through life as a single parent when there's, you know, Even more to be done and even less energy to give.
• 5:30
  Christie: You feel like there's no margin to care for your own.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: No, and you feel selfish, right?
• 5:36
  Cheryl: Because I mean, I know it.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: You just mentioned it about taking care of yourself.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: Well, you feel guilty because you love your children and you see your children are suffering and having loss and pain.
• 5:53
  Cheryl: I don't want to take more away from them, right.
• 5:56
  Cheryl: I mean, it's just I wasn't balanced.
• 5:59
  Cheryl: There wasn't balance because that was a lot of my motivation is compassion for them.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: And I Erased myself.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: And I didn't do the wise things early on for self care.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: I began to learn, but for a number of years, I just didn't.
• 6:20
  Cheryl: And I just go, I can do more.
• 6:21
  Cheryl: I can do more.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: I can do more.
• 6:23
  Cheryl: And that was the wrong way to look at it.
• 6:27
  Ellen: And sometimes.
• 6:29
  Ellen: As a single parent, you need some money to be able to do some stuff.
• 6:33
  Ellen: Because something maybe as simple as getting your hair cut, or just getting away for a little bit and getting a babysitter, it makes it really hard when you maybe have a single income coming in.
• 6:44
  Ellen: Maybe you don't have family around.
• 6:46
  Ellen: Watch the kids.
• 6:47
  Ellen: So you're just getting constantly drained.
• 6:49
  Ellen: There's no way to get any downtime because sometimes you just need to get away from home.
• 6:54
  Ellen: And I mean that in a nice way, but you know, you just need to get away from all those things.
• 6:59
  Ellen: I mean, a couple of times, when Mike was active duty, we almost always lived.
• 7:04
  Ellen: in base housing.
• 7:05
  Ellen: So we had other friends in similar situations.
• 7:08
  Ellen: So sometimes I could find friends that I could farm my five kids at.
• 7:11
  Ellen: And I would just go to the movies.
• 7:13
  Ellen: Or, but I had to have an older friend say to me, it's okay to go and do something for yourself.
• 7:20
  Ellen: It's okay.
• 7:20
  Ellen: Cause I would always, I would even take maybe a mother's day out, but then I would come home and clean the house or do stuff.
• 7:28
  Ellen: Because the kids weren't there.
• 7:29
  Ellen: that
• 7:29
  Christie: you need to do.
• 7:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:31
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 7:32
  Ellen: Rather than just go and enjoy myself whether it was just go out and have lunch alone because maybe I just needed to be alone or just meet up a girlfriend and Just do something that I totally enjoyed.
• 7:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:44
  Ellen: And I think it's
• 7:45
  Christie: it's important to to Take a minute to self assess what you really need.
• 7:52
  Christie: I remember when Tim would be gone, I would stay up really late at night reading because it was the only time I was alone.
• 8:00
  Christie: So I would read till two, three in the morning.
• 8:04
  Christie: And then I'd be,
• 8:05
  Ellen: yeah, the next morning I'd be exhausted
• 8:09
  Christie: and cranky and you know, it was It felt good in the moment to have something to entertain my mind and, you know, just to have some space away from parenting.
• 8:22
  Christie: But I wish, you know, looking back, I should have been more aware of what would be really helpful in this situation.
• 8:29
  Christie: I should have rearranged things so that I could have had that time away.
• 8:34
  Christie: During the day or, you know, during times that I didn't need to be sleeping.
• 8:39
  Christie: But we don't know that until we've done it wrong.
• 8:41
  Christie: And I think that's where community comes in is that you have people in your life that can say, Hey, you need a nap or you need a good walk.
• 8:49
  Christie: Or, well, I remember one time, Cheryl, in that season for me, I ran into you at a group setting and we didn't know each other super, super well at the time.
• 8:59
  Christie: And you saw me and you could tell I was Maxed out.
• 9:03
  Christie: Wow.
• 9:03
  Christie: And you said, this is what you need to do.
• 9:05
  Christie: You need to go outside and you need to set your timer and walk eight minutes down the road one way and turn around and walk eight minutes, you know, you need 15 minutes of sunshine every day.
• 9:14
  Other: Yeah.
• 9:15
  Other: That was not
• 9:15
  Christie: even on my radar and I thought, she's crazy.
• 9:17
  Christie: How am I going to do?
• 9:19
  Christie: But that little bit of sunshine every day made all the difference.
• 9:22
  Christie: I mean,
• 9:23
  Cheryl: and I know why.
• 9:23
  Cheryl: Because I'm I found in my life, because like I said, I didn't do it right.
• 9:29
  Cheryl: And what I would say, speaking to you all, you wonderful single parents, the hardest job in the world, that your children will flourish better.
• 9:41
  Cheryl: As you flourish.
• 9:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:43
  Christie: And so
• 9:43
  Cheryl: that's what I didn't understand.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: I thought if I completely ran myself ragged, that's what my children needed.
• 9:50
  Cheryl: You
• 9:50
  Ellen: just wind up with a tired, cranky mom.
• 9:52
  Ellen: Well, more than that.
• 9:53
  Ellen: Just absolutely.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: Unhealthy.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:55
  Cheryl: I just had nothing.
• 9:57
  Cheryl: And so see, I spoke to you out of what I realized.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: And As my, my kids got old enough and I would say, everybody, I'll be back in 15 minutes.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: And so at the end of our street was, uh, like a field of sort of a little park with trees.
• 10:12
  Cheryl: And I would just walk down there and I'd sit under the trees.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: I'm a nature person.
• 10:17
  Cheryl: And I would just go sit and look at the wildflowers and look at the trees.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: And like you're saying, sunshine and just refresher emotion.
• 10:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:29
  Cheryl: And then go back in.
• 10:30
  Cheryl: And what that did for me, it wasn't just that 15 minute break, right?
• 10:35
  Cheryl: It was the mental health and the wholeness and the, the taking care of myself.
• 10:41
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 10:41
  Cheryl: That really made a difference.
• 10:43
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:43
  Christie: And that's something that.
• 10:44
  Christie: is really doable if you, like on a play date, you know, meet up with another parent at the park and you go walk around the trail while they sit and watch the kids.
• 10:54
  Christie: And there's lots of ways to get that 15 minutes in, um, much healthier, than staying up till three in the morning and reading.
• 11:01
  Ellen: And finding out what that is for you, because for everybody, it's a different thing.
• 11:06
  Ellen: Every mom or dad.
• 11:07
  Ellen: That's a single parent has different things that refresh and renew them.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: So one of the things you talk about all the time is a hobby or particularly art.
• 11:17
  Other: Yes.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: And see, I will tell you again, you talk about reading.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: I finally said, okay, I used to love to read.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: And then I only read books that were building up, or developing me personally, or would help my children, or I was learning something.
• 11:33
  Cheryl: I hate
• 11:33
  Ellen: those books.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: But I came to the realization that wasn't healthy.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: So I would just say, okay.
• 11:42
  Cheryl: And I think I had a real timer.
• 11:43
  Cheryl: I don't know if we had phones by then.
• 11:45
  Cheryl: Maybe I had a phone by then.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: And I would set a 15 minute timer and I went to my bedroom.
• 11:51
  Cheryl: I shut the door and I found John Grisham.
• 11:54
  Cheryl: And so I would have a John Grisham book and read.
• 11:59
  Other: And
• 11:59
  Cheryl: I had to make myself sit and read.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: But because of the healthiness of it, it became such a delight.
• 12:08
  Cheryl: I looked forward to it.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: And again, I became a better mother and a much healthier person by beginning to find what ministered to me.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: Y'all were talking about 15 20 minutes out of 24 hours.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: And if
• 12:21
  Ellen: you don't like reading, there's Audible.
• 12:22
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:23
  Ellen: Which are so entertaining.
• 12:24
  Ellen: You can sit for 15 minutes and relax listening to your Audible book.
• 12:28
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:28
  Christie: Or, you know, you may bring your kids into your hobbies.
• 12:32
  Christie: You know, if you, if you want to do something artistic or you, you know, are interested in playing a sport, bring your kids into it.
• 12:39
  Christie: It's still going to bring you joy in the moment of exploring new interests.
• 12:44
  Christie: No.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: No.
• 12:49
  Cheryl: Well, and I had a friend, and what she did is get back to music, so piano had a big part of her life.
• 12:58
  Cheryl: And then, uh, Singled, it was gone.
• 13:02
  Cheryl: And that was how she expressed herself.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: And again, she had to time it because she couldn't do like she did when she was,
• 13:09
  Other: you know,
• 13:10
  Cheryl: Had plenty of time.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: But she would just sit down and play and it just brought color and life into her life.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: So that's one of the things.
• 13:21
  Cheryl: That's why I said no, because if you, sports were not for you.
• 13:25
  Ellen: Well, not even that.
• 13:26
  Ellen: Don't bring your kids into it.
• 13:28
  Ellen: Oh, this is where you wanna have just a little time, time for your self, where you, you don't have, if, if I tried to do art with my children, it would be, oh, wait, wait, don't get that on your face.
• 13:39
  Ellen: Uh, you just spill the, that it, it,
• 13:41
  Christie: that would not.
• 13:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:42
  Christie: I can see that.
• 13:43
  Ellen: It depends
• 13:43
  Christie: on the age of the kids and their interests.
• 13:45
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:46
  Christie: And yeah.
• 13:46
  Ellen: So, you know, having those.
• 13:48
  Ellen: Times where you can just be you nobody else needs you because it's everybody needs something.
• 13:55
  Ellen: That's the problem when you're single You know, there's nobody to divide the labor.
• 13:58
  Ellen: So every time you turn around your child needs another thing another thing another thing Yeah and so if you could have something where you can just shut the door because I remember when I before I got to a place where I could actually have an art room I used to go into the laundry room with the laundry There's a little table set up and I would shut the door and no one was allowed to interrupt me You While, you know, and, you know, Mike would be gone and they were old enough, but they, you know, they were still little, not babies, but, you know, I would just go in there and have maybe 10 minutes where I could work on a project, then I could shut the door and the kids couldn't get in there and mess my project up.
• 14:33
  Ellen: But it might take me, you know, a month to finish something I could do now in a day.
• 14:37
  Ellen: Right.
• 14:37
  Ellen: But just enough to give, catch your breath.
• 14:40
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 14:40
  Ellen: But I got some relaxing time.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: And so what we're talking about, like that brilliant wisdom I gave you, and I don't remember that, but it was good wisdom, just like what we're talking about here.
• 14:52
  Cheryl: And We're speaking because we know it's wisdom, but you have to budget it in.
• 14:58
  Cheryl: So, everybody knows in single parenting, you have to budget your money, Yeah you have to budget your time, Yeah but that's it.
• 15:06
  Cheryl: That you budget in this emotional health and that it becomes the priority, like I knew somebody and I just said, you know, speaking because I made the mistake saying, it's like, you're the captain of the ship.
• 15:21
  Cheryl: I know I have to do everything.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 15:24
  Cheryl: But if the captain goes down, what happens to the ship, right?
• 15:27
  Cheryl: And that emotional That's right.
• 15:28
  Cheryl: And personal development and growth can be budgeted in and it might not be 10 hours a week.
• 15:35
  Cheryl: It might be the 15 minutes here or, you know, something that you can budget in because one of the words we talk about all the time is margin.
• 15:45
  Cheryl: And one of the things you have to schedule in is margin so that you can be healthy for your children and for
• 15:55
  Christie: yourself.
• 15:56
  Christie: Right.
• 15:57
  Christie: Another area I'm thinking of as you're talking about Margin and, and being the captain of the ship is, um, the people in your life, and, the things you take in into your mental space, make sure that, They're quality people, you know, that they're they're uplifting sources of entertainment and music and Books and movies and people in your life that are not
• 16:23
  Other: needy.
• 16:23
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:24
  Christie: Yes and not negative.
• 16:26
  Christie: Yes But
• 16:28
  Cheryl: this is really important.
• 16:29
  Cheryl: Mm
• 16:29
  Christie: hmm.
• 16:29
  Christie: Yeah, it's stewarding your your mental space means letting You know, you only have so much that's what we're acknowledging is you only have so much time to give to yourself care and so make sure that the But the friend you grab coffee with is a good friend to spend time with, not someone who, gosh, every time I do this, I feel more drugged down.
• 16:53
  Christie: Um, because I think sometimes we can go with what's convenient, the person we've always gotten coffee with.
• 16:58
  Christie: We just kind of keep doing that.
• 17:00
  Cheryl: Or how about if we say life giving?
• 17:02
  Cheryl: Yeah People that pour life into you.
• 17:06
  Cheryl: And everybody needs this, but single parents you're just in a place where it matters more because of the limitations and the demands in single parenting.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: And so I love that.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: Look for life giving people and activities and, um, One of the things I'd encourage you to be is to be an advocate because that was my mistake.
• 17:33
  Cheryl: I wasn't an advocate for myself.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: And finally, in certain situations, I worked up the courage to say, actually, I really need help.
• 17:42
  Other: Yeah.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: But so be encouraged, be an advocate.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: If you have life giving friends, they're going to want you to let them know.
• 17:50
  Other: Yeah.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: Because if it looks like you've got everything together and you've just, you're doing really well, they don't know.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Your friends will
• 17:58
  Ellen: go, Oh, they're fine.
• 17:59
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:59
  Cheryl: Instead of opening up.
• 18:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:02
  Ellen: Well, and um, having had, some of my adult children with children who, um, have gotten divorced and then as the grandparents kind of stepping in to help, because that's a really big part, no condemnation towards my children or anything, they're adults, that's their business, but they had children that still needed to be watched.
• 18:24
  Ellen: And so sometimes, you know, The grandparents or the aunts and uncles, be willing to step in to help your, your family out, help your children out if they just need a mental break or they just need to get away from their children for a little bit.
• 18:38
  Ellen: There's nothing wrong with that.
• 18:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:40
  Christie: I think people maybe just forget that even the smallest gesture can mean the world.
• 18:47
  Christie: I remember one time we were all sick with the flu and I think I said something about it on Facebook or something and somebody just showed up to my door with cough medicine.
• 18:57
  Christie: Oh, yeah.
• 18:58
  Christie: And I just, I mean, that was such a small thing.
• 19:01
  Christie: I think she texted me offline and was like, what do you, you know, what can I bring up at CVS right now?
• 19:07
  Christie: And getting everyone, sick kids packed up to go and get what you need to get, that's impossible.
• 19:14
  Christie: And that felt like a very small thing to her.
• 19:17
  Christie: And so I think, like you're saying, you're encouraging.
• 19:20
  Christie: Grandparents, friends, to, you know, think of those small things and how big they would be if it were.
• 19:26
  Christie: Well, be that friend to each
• 19:27
  Ellen: other.
• 19:28
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:28
  Ellen: That's the bottom line.
• 19:30
  Cheryl: And so we're almost out of time.
• 19:31
  Cheryl: I'd like to address more ideas right here if we can, um, popcorn them a little bit, like what you're talking about.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: Because one of the things is the isolation and loneliness.
• 19:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: And you feel forgotten.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: And so for her to be.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: in CDS and remember you, that's a whole lot more than the cough medicine.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: That you were remembered.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: And I can think, I just, yeah, we had so many people love us and remember us and help us and do special things and kind things and that helps, but it's the being remembered and being loved.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: And shown that, for example, I've had a couple of friends let's show up at my door or send me on Valentine's Day because losing Bill Valentine's Day, it's gone or it's all about the children's little Valentine's.
• 20:25
  Cheryl: And that wasn't ministered to me.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: Um, also another thing that I have found really helpful and I try to do myself is remembering special dates.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: So, um, If it's appropriate, an anniversary, or particularly if there's been death, that you, to remember the anniversary of, losing the person, or other significant days, not just Christmas, but throughout the year.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: And one of the things I do is I keep a journal, and I put dates for different people, and to remember, oh, I haven't forgotten, you know, I remember.
• 21:05
  Cheryl: Just doing things that help us as a community, as in friends and family, to just remember.
• 21:12
  Ellen: Mm
• 21:12
  Cheryl: hmm.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: And to stay In their life.
• 21:15
  Ellen: And it's, and it's nice if you're the one that can help your single friends.
• 21:19
  Ellen: Mm hmm.
• 21:20
  Ellen: You know, that gives, that gives something to you too.
• 21:22
  Ellen: You know, when you take a few minutes to go, Oh, I know what that was like when, when Mike wasn't around.
• 21:29
  Ellen: And I bet she really could use me to just come over and say, Hey, I want to sit with your kids.
• 21:34
  Ellen: Why don't you go run over to Starbucks and have a cup of coffee
• 21:37
  Cheryl: the other thing I would say, as community of friends, particularly of a single parent, is that we have the margin, so we can be good listeners.
• 21:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:49
  Cheryl: we're not in the place of doing counseling, or divorce care, or grief counseling, or anything like that.
• 21:57
  Cheryl: But instead of, hey, how you doing?
• 21:58
  Cheryl: Fine, good.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: Oh, I'm great too.
• 22:00
  Cheryl: That you actually Be a friend.
• 22:03
  Cheryl: Be a friend.
• 22:04
  Cheryl: Actually slow down.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: Be very present and just be there so they know someone really cares and I'm seen.
• 22:12
  Cheryl: And ask
• 22:13
  Ellen: them.
• 22:14
  Ellen: You know, it doesn't have to be rude or anything, but you go, Hey Cheryl, how are you doing today?
• 22:18
  Ellen: I bet this has been a really hard week.
• 22:21
  Ellen: I know this is the week leading up to Bill's, anniversary of Bill's death.
• 22:25
  Ellen: So, you know, how are you feeling?
• 22:27
  Cheryl: But we have to have margin to be that kind of friend and to take the time.
• 22:32
  Cheryl: And.
• 22:33
  Cheryl: I would say there's a lot of woundedness and pain however someone becomes a single parent.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: That we may have to be that intentional friend that keeps coming back before our friend feels like they can open up.
• 22:50
  Cheryl: And say, Well, yeah, actually, I'm really struggling because I, you know, whatever it is, right?
• 22:55
  Cheryl: Even if it's just loneliness,
• 22:57
  Ellen: right?
• 22:58
  Ellen: Because I think a lot of times people don't even realize they're lonely.
• 23:01
  Ellen: Yeah, because that gets buried under all the things you have to do as your status quo.
• 23:06
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 23:07
  Ellen: And you're doing so much because you have to do it as a single person.
• 23:11
  Ellen: You know, you don't even get to think about your own emotions.
• 23:13
  Christie: Well, and loneliness with kids, It's kind of hard to diagnose too because, especially if you're a little bit introverted, you're giving, you're talking, you're, all the energy is happening.
• 23:24
  Christie: And so it's hard to sort through and find what the needs are, the relational needs that You know, what, what is going on with me?
• 23:32
  Christie: I, yeah, I think that's another challenge.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: One other thing is, as that friend of a single parent, invite them to couple things.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:43
  Cheryl: Not so they can find another partner, but the thing is, when you become single, you drop out
• 23:48
  Carol: of many of those relationships that you had.
• 23:51
  Carol: And so, like, Well, we need four people for cards.
• 23:56
  Carol: You're the fifth wheel, but you intentionally create things that are fun and you invite not the whole family, yes, but you also invite that single parent to come.
• 24:09
  Carol: So they are laughing and just an adult with adult conversation and they don't have any responsibility to just go back and have fun.
• 24:19
  Christie: Right.
• 24:20
  Christie: And depending on the circumstance, It could be good to include the children in things, too, because the kids may or may not, depending on what the person's situation is, have a father figure, a mother figure, or, you know, they may not be able to see those types of relationships in their, their current
• 24:38
  Cheryl: life.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: And see, both of those, with and without the children.
• 24:41
  Carol: Which is why we want, encourage people to be in community, so that we can share.
• 24:47
  Carol: The opportunity and the, responsibilities of loving each other well.
• 24:52
  Ellen: Because, you know, Cheryl, I remember one base that we lived at and Mike was gone for a long period of time.
• 24:59
  Ellen: And all of a sudden, all my couple friends kind of dropped me like a hot cake.
• 25:03
  Ellen: And I know they didn't do it intentionally, but because Mike wasn't around, they didn't think, it was like, Guys, we've always gone all these places together and now you guys are running off and doing stuff as couples and you're leaving me out.
• 25:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:17
  Cheryl: So,
• 25:17
  Ellen: But you just want to be part.
• 25:19
  Ellen: Yes.
• 25:19
  Ellen: Well, you know in the military we worked with a lot of the single military people and even though they might not be parents, they still struggle with the loneliness of being single and how much they just enjoyed coming into our home with where there were dogs and children and all that kind of stuff and sometimes our single friends need that normal feeling again of what it's like to be in a bigger group.
• 25:46
  Christie: Yeah, there really is a, an elevation of married life to a higher status and in a lot of circles it can feel like that's the pinnacle of happiness.
• 25:56
  Christie: That's where we're all supposed to be headed and until then you're incomplete.
• 26:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:01
  Christie: Wow.
• 26:02
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 26:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:03
  Cheryl: I feel a little frustrated because I don't have a nice bow for us to tie up here at the end.
• 26:10
  Cheryl: And to say, and that will fix it all because It's just hard.
• 26:15
  Cheryl: It is hard.
• 26:16
  Cheryl: True.
• 26:17
  Cheryl: And we just, again, reach out to your audience and if, you are fighting this great fight Mm hmm.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: for yourself and your children, we say, well done.
• 26:29
  Cheryl: Keep it up.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: Right
• 26:30
  Other: Yeah
• 26:31
  Cheryl: And we would love to hear from you.
• 26:33
  Cheryl: If there are other ideas that you have, we would love to hear from you and share them.
• 26:37
  Cheryl: And I'd enjoy having some single parents in here in the room.
• 26:42
  Cheryl: Yeah, to speak to it.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: Let's do that.
• 26:44
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 26:45
  Cheryl: So you our precious single parents.
• 26:50
  Cheryl: Remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 26:55
  Other: Yeah.
• 27:02
  To all the single parents listening, I want you to know that I see you.
• 27:09
  I've been there, and I understand the weight you carry.
• 27:15
  Parenting solo can be exhausting, but remember, self care isn't a luxury, it's essential.
• 27:25
  Whether it's taking just 15 minutes for yourself, or finding other small ways to recharge, those moments matter.
• 27:35
  And letting someone in when you need help isn't a sign of weakness.
• 27:40
  It's a step towards finding balance.
• 27:44
  And you're not meant to carry it all alone.
• 27:47
  And to everyone else, don't wait for a single parent to ask for help.
• 27:52
  Sometimes, just showing up makes all the difference.
• 27:57
  Your thoughtfulness, your presence, can truly lighten the load.
• 28:03
  Thank you for being that lifeline.
• 28:06
  We'd love to hear from you.
• 28:08
  Reach out to us through email at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 28:13
  com or connect with us on any social media platform.
• 28:18
  Be sure to join us next time as we continue this journey together here on TPP.
• 28:24
  Remember, you're not walking this road alone, and every small step forward matters.