Latest / Finding God at Work / 9: How to Listen

Transcript

9: How to Listen · Finding God at Work

• 0:06
  (Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Hi, I'm Chris.
• 0:07
  This is Finding God at Work.
• 0:13
  Our current series is Gentle Witnesses, sharing the
• 0:16
  good news at work in a way that
• 0:18
  actually makes sense.
• 0:25
  We've been talking about the five thresholds of
• 0:26
  faith, a paradigm from InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and
• 0:29
  specifically from Don Everts and Doug Shoup, patterns
• 0:32
  that many adults go through on their way
• 0:35
  towards becoming followers of Jesus.
• 0:37
  Right now we're talking about the first threshold,
• 0:39
  which is trusting a Christian friend.
• 0:41
  And we've talked a lot about the importance
• 0:42
  of listening, so I thought it would be
• 0:44
  helpful as we talk about building trust, listening,
• 0:48
  attending to other people, being present for their
• 0:51
  stories, to just get really specific and tactical
• 0:54
  about how do you listen well.
• 0:56
  So I actually prepared a training on this
• 0:58
  way back when I was in college ministry
• 1:00
  at the University of Illinois at Chicago and
• 1:02
  was trying to teach fellow staff workers as
• 1:05
  well as student leaders how to listen well
• 1:07
  to other students.
• 1:08
  This is the training that I prepared.
• 1:09
  So I just did a little bit of
• 1:10
  research.
• 1:11
  What do social scientists say about listening?
• 1:13
  What does the scripture say about listening?
• 1:15
  So just one story from the scriptures that's
• 1:17
  kind of a paradigm for the kind of
• 1:19
  listening we're talking about is one of Jesus'
• 1:21
  healing miracles.
• 1:23
  We've talked about how healing is also a
• 1:25
  paradigm for thinking about the good news, that
• 1:26
  Jesus proclaimed the kingdom of God and then
• 1:29
  did works of healing, bringing God's presence and
• 1:32
  God's power with that proclamation.
• 1:34
  And that's how we should think about what
• 1:36
  we're doing as well, that we are ministers
• 1:37
  of healing.
• 1:39
  We're creating space for people to tell their
• 1:40
  stories.
• 1:42
  So this is from the Gospel of Luke.
• 1:44
  We're spending a lot of time in Luke
• 1:45
  in this series.
• 1:46
  Chapter 18, starting in verse 35.
• 1:51
  As Jesus drew near to Jericho, a blind
• 1:53
  man was sitting by the roadside begging and
• 1:55
  hearing a crowd going by.
• 1:57
  He inquired what this meant.
• 1:58
  They told him, Jesus of Nazareth is passing
• 2:00
  by.
• 2:01
  And he cried out, Jesus, son of David,
• 2:03
  have mercy on me.
• 2:04
  And those who were in front rebuked him
• 2:06
  telling him to be silent.
• 2:07
  But he cried out all the more, son
• 2:09
  of David, have mercy on me.
• 2:11
  And Jesus stopped and commanded him to be
• 2:13
  brought near to him.
• 2:15
  And when he came near, he asked him,
• 2:18
  what do you want me to do for
• 2:19
  you?
• 2:20
  He said, Lord, let me recover my sight.
• 2:23
  And Jesus said to him, recover your sight.
• 2:26
  Your faith has made you well.
• 2:29
  And immediately he recovered his sight and followed
• 2:31
  him, glorifying God and all the people when
• 2:34
  they saw it gave praise to God.
• 2:38
  There's a lot going on in this story.
• 2:40
  We can't unpack everything for this teaching.
• 2:43
  I want to focus specifically on what Jesus
• 2:45
  does though.
• 2:46
  Jesus stops, he allows the man to come
• 2:51
  near to him.
• 2:53
  And then Jesus asks him a question.
• 2:55
  He says, what do you want me to
• 2:58
  do for you?
• 3:01
  So this is very similar to the interaction
• 3:03
  that Jesus had with the woman who reached
• 3:05
  up and touched his robe.
• 3:06
  In that story, he stopped and then he
• 3:08
  asked who touched me.
• 3:10
  And then he created space for the woman
• 3:11
  to tell her story.
• 3:13
  In this scenario, Jesus stops, he allows the
• 3:17
  person to come near.
• 3:18
  And then he asks a question, what do
• 3:20
  you want me to do for you?
• 3:22
  Jesus might've assumed that he wanted a healing
• 3:25
  because he would have been obviously blind, being
• 3:27
  led by the hand to come near to
• 3:28
  Jesus.
• 3:30
  But Jesus doesn't assume Jesus creates space for
• 3:33
  the man to say in his own voice,
• 3:35
  with his own desire, that he wants to
• 3:37
  recover his sight.
• 3:39
  This is how Jesus creates room for faith,
• 3:43
  for trust.
• 3:44
  He's honoring the other person's autonomy, the other
• 3:46
  person's capacity to choose, the other person's willingness
• 3:50
  to trust and allowing them to say in
• 3:52
  their own voice, what they want from him.
• 3:56
  And then Jesus heals him.
• 3:57
  And he says that same line from that
• 3:59
  other scenario, your faith has made you well.
• 4:03
  This is a salvation story.
• 4:04
  This is somebody putting their faith in Jesus
• 4:06
  and receiving the saving, healing action of God
• 4:09
  through the ministry of Jesus.
• 4:12
  Okay, so this is a paradigm for how
• 4:14
  we can interact with other people as well.
• 4:16
  We want to stop, create space for people
• 4:19
  to tell their story, to let them speak
• 4:22
  in their own voice, to honor their autonomy,
• 4:24
  to honor their capacity to choose, to honor
• 4:26
  their willingness to trust, to whatever extent they
• 4:29
  are willing to trust.
• 4:31
  And then to ask questions so that we
• 4:34
  fully understand what's going on for that person.
• 4:37
  So I came up with an acronym.
• 4:39
  The acronyms are like a fundamental device that
• 4:41
  nerdy teacher people like me like using, because
• 4:43
  it'll help you remember what we're talking about.
• 4:46
  But I couldn't quite fit it into a
• 4:47
  word that is actually spelled correctly.
• 4:49
  So it's coupons, but spelled Quapans.
• 4:53
  Q-U-P-A-N-S.
• 4:56
  So I realized that might be a disappointing
• 4:58
  acronym because it doesn't really spell a word.
• 5:00
  But hopefully it's still memorable.
• 5:01
  Quapans, Q-U-P-A-N-S.
• 5:03
  I bet that you will still remember.
• 5:05
  If you just imagine, Quapans, you'll remember what
• 5:07
  the points of this talk are.
• 5:09
  So this is the acronym to help us,
• 5:11
  the Q and the U go together.
• 5:12
  So first thing is to ask questions to
• 5:15
  understand.
• 5:16
  When you're talking with someone, you can ask
• 5:19
  questions to help them unfold more of their
• 5:21
  story.
• 5:22
  So these can be questions about their story.
• 5:24
  Sometimes when I'm getting to know someone, I'll
• 5:25
  just say, tell me your story.
• 5:27
  And sometimes they're like, what do you mean?
• 5:28
  Tell me my story.
• 5:29
  And I can just clarify, like, oh, you
• 5:30
  know, like, how'd you get here?
• 5:32
  What's important to you?
• 5:33
  So you can ask really open-ended questions
• 5:35
  like that.
• 5:35
  Or you can ask more specific questions.
• 5:37
  So maybe somebody's telling a story and they
• 5:39
  mention a family member and you might cue,
• 5:42
  oh, that's a family relationship that's significant for
• 5:44
  them.
• 5:44
  So you could ask, hey, tell me more
• 5:46
  about your relationship with your grandfather.
• 5:47
  It sounds like that was a significant relationship
• 5:49
  for you.
• 5:50
  Just pay attention to the things that they've
• 5:52
  already brought up and ask more to understand
• 5:54
  what's the emotional significance?
• 5:56
  What's the heart story that they're trying to
• 5:59
  tell by conveying this experience to you?
• 6:02
  Okay.
• 6:03
  So ask questions to understand.
• 6:05
  Then P, paraphrase.
• 6:07
  Paraphrase what the person has said and say
• 6:08
  it back to them.
• 6:09
  This is an insight that comes from the
• 6:11
  social sciences.
• 6:11
  It's called reflective listening, and it can really
• 6:14
  help the other person feel understood.
• 6:16
  So maybe somebody had a tough interaction with
• 6:19
  a client.
• 6:20
  Maybe you and that person are both on
• 6:22
  a sales team together and they thought they
• 6:24
  were going to make a deal, but it
• 6:25
  fell through.
• 6:26
  And they're just like, man, I'm just so
• 6:27
  frustrated.
• 6:28
  I felt like they were so interested and
• 6:31
  I did everything that I could.
• 6:32
  And now I'm second guessing myself.
• 6:35
  You can paraphrase what they said back to
• 6:36
  them.
• 6:36
  You can say like, man, it sounds like
• 6:38
  you wish you could have figured out what
• 6:40
  would have made it work.
• 6:41
  Okay.
• 6:41
  Now that might seem like obvious.
• 6:43
  Like, yes, they literally just said they're second
• 6:46
  guessing themselves.
• 6:46
  And now you're just saying back to them,
• 6:48
  it sounds like you're trying to figure out
• 6:49
  how you could have made it work.
• 6:51
  But this actually research shows this makes people
• 6:54
  feel heard.
• 6:55
  Just paraphrasing in your own words back to
• 6:57
  them, what they just told you, that helps
• 6:58
  them either confirm what you said or clarify
• 7:01
  it.
• 7:01
  Like they might be like, yeah, I guess,
• 7:03
  I guess I'm trying to figure out what
• 7:04
  I could have done differently, but really, I
• 7:05
  mean, I did everything I could, or they'll
• 7:07
  be like, you know, you're right.
• 7:08
  Like, yeah, that's what I'm kicking myself because
• 7:10
  I forgot to mention, like they will clarify
• 7:13
  whether your paraphrase is how they're feeling, what
• 7:16
  they're going through, or they might expand and
• 7:18
  actually contradict what you said and clarify by
• 7:21
  giving a different perspective.
• 7:23
  Either way, by paraphrasing what they said, you're
• 7:25
  showing you care to deeply understand what their
• 7:27
  experience is.
• 7:29
  That's an excellent way to be a good
• 7:30
  listener.
• 7:31
  So, okay.
• 7:32
  QU, ask questions to understand.
• 7:34
  P, paraphrase what they said back to them.
• 7:36
  A, attend to the person, pay attention to
• 7:40
  the person.
• 7:41
  This one is so challenging with our devices.
• 7:44
  If you've got your device set so that
• 7:45
  notifications are pinging, you're going to be distracted
• 7:48
  while you're talking to someone.
• 7:50
  So, I encourage you, if possible, set your
• 7:52
  device on do not disturb for as many
• 7:54
  hours of the day as you can.
• 7:55
  I understand, depending on your work role or
• 7:58
  family situation, you might need to have notifications
• 8:00
  that you are attending to.
• 8:01
  But in general, I think we are more
• 8:03
  distracted than we need to be by our
• 8:06
  devices.
• 8:06
  And so, the more we can push back
• 8:07
  against that to set our phones to do
• 8:09
  not disturb, to put them in only check
• 8:12
  them when we need to, that will help
• 8:13
  us be more present in a less interrupted
• 8:15
  way to the people in front of us.
• 8:18
  But of course, attention is not just avoiding
• 8:20
  distractions from our devices.
• 8:21
  Attention is about being emotionally, intellectually, even physically
• 8:26
  present in the moment.
• 8:28
  So, think about, are you turned bodily towards
• 8:31
  the exit of the room, rather than towards
• 8:33
  the person you're talking to?
• 8:34
  Maybe subconsciously, you are impatient and wanting to
• 8:37
  leave the room, wanting to get somewhere else.
• 8:39
  You can notice how your own body might
• 8:40
  be indicating something.
• 8:42
  When you're talking with someone, face toward them,
• 8:44
  turn toward them.
• 8:45
  I have a challenge with this.
• 8:46
  Like if somebody interrupts me while I'm at
• 8:48
  my desk, sometimes I like keep typing.
• 8:50
  That definitely is body language that communicates, I
• 8:52
  don't really want to pay attention to you.
• 8:53
  Like, no, stop typing, turn, look at the
• 8:56
  person, attend to the person, make eye contact,
• 9:00
  be present in the moment, be aware of
• 9:03
  your own emotions.
• 9:04
  This connects to more than we can unpack
• 9:05
  here, but your own emotional self-awareness.
• 9:08
  If you're having a really anxious, overwhelming day
• 9:10
  and you don't realize you're having an anxious,
• 9:12
  overwhelming day, it's going to be really hard
• 9:13
  for you to pay attention to the person
• 9:15
  in front of you.
• 9:16
  But if you can kind of keep pace
• 9:17
  with yourself, be self-aware of your own
• 9:19
  emotions, it's also going to be easier for
• 9:20
  you to be present to the person in
• 9:22
  front of you.
• 9:23
  Okay, so, Q-U, ask questions to understand.
• 9:26
  P, paraphrase what they said back to them.
• 9:28
  A, attend to the person.
• 9:30
  N, non-judgmental.
• 9:33
  Do not judge.
• 9:34
  It's really important when people share things to
• 9:37
  feel like they can be vulnerable without immediately
• 9:39
  being attacked or critiqued for what they're sharing.
• 9:42
  And this is something that Christians sometimes stumble
• 9:45
  into a well-intentioned but really negative way
• 9:50
  of critiquing.
• 9:50
  So I've seen this dynamic sometimes with Christian
• 9:53
  parents and their children.
• 9:54
  So a child will say something that maybe
• 9:57
  is like a little bit unorthodox.
• 9:59
  It doesn't fit the Christian mold in some
• 10:01
  way.
• 10:02
  Like, um, yeah, like, I just have a
• 10:06
  hard time believing that the God of the
• 10:07
  Old Testament is really loving.
• 10:09
  Look, maybe they'll say something like that.
• 10:11
  And then the parent sometimes freaks out.
• 10:13
  The parent doesn't realize they're freaking out because
• 10:14
  they're anxious.
• 10:15
  They have a desire for their child to
• 10:17
  believe the good news, including the good news
• 10:19
  revealed in the Hebrew scriptures about the character
• 10:20
  of a good God.
• 10:21
  So the idea that their child doesn't believe
• 10:23
  that makes them anxious, and so then in
• 10:25
  their anxiety they respond by just shutting down
• 10:27
  what the child is saying.
• 10:28
  They're saying like, well, that's that's just a
• 10:30
  misunderstanding of what the Bible says.
• 10:32
  You should you should read this book.
• 10:33
  It will fix what you're saying.
• 10:35
  But that kind of high anxiety defensive response
• 10:39
  is not what that child needs.
• 10:40
  What that child needs is the safety to
• 10:42
  ask the tough and meaningful intellectual questions that
• 10:44
  they're asking.
• 10:45
  What they need is a parent to say
• 10:46
  something like, huh, tell me more about that.
• 10:48
  What's, what's making you feel that way?
• 10:50
  Right?
• 10:51
  They need a parent who can ask questions
• 10:52
  to understand and paraphrase what they're saying back
• 10:55
  to them and attend to them.
• 10:56
  It is in no way a violation of
• 10:59
  our our Christian convictions or our commitment to
• 11:01
  truth, our faithfulness to Jesus Christ, to create
• 11:04
  receptivity to other people's ideas, even when we
• 11:07
  disagree with those ideas.
• 11:09
  In fact, Jesus was really good at this
• 11:10
  himself.
• 11:11
  Jesus could talk with people with whom he
• 11:13
  disagreed and create space for that.
• 11:16
  This is something that Paul encourages in his
• 11:19
  letter to the Corinthians.
• 11:20
  He says, hey, look, if there's a disagreement
• 11:22
  about eating meat sacrificed to idols, like, you
• 11:24
  can have room for that in the Christian
• 11:25
  community.
• 11:26
  It's okay to agree to disagree on certain
• 11:27
  topics.
• 11:29
  And even if it is a subject where
• 11:30
  it's not like Christians of good faith can
• 11:32
  agree to disagree because there's a clear teaching
• 11:34
  of Jesus, it doesn't violate your conviction to
• 11:37
  listen to the other person well.
• 11:39
  So, non-judgmental.
• 11:41
  Your job is not to immediately tell the
• 11:44
  person whether or not the idea they just
• 11:46
  communicated fits perfectly with Christian doctrine.
• 11:49
  That's not your job.
• 11:50
  Your job is to convey that you understand
• 11:53
  the idea that they've communicated and you understand
• 11:56
  the emotions behind it that make it significant
• 11:58
  for them.
• 11:59
  That's what makes people feel astute and that
• 12:00
  will allow them to be more open with
• 12:02
  you and maybe share some things that they
• 12:04
  really think.
• 12:05
  Maybe it's somebody who's not a Christian at
• 12:07
  all who's saying, I just really struggle with
• 12:08
  these Bible stories about God being so violent.
• 12:11
  It seems like God is really judgmental.
• 12:13
  Well, if you're really judgmental in response to
• 12:15
  that question, they're never going to open up
• 12:16
  more to you.
• 12:17
  They're never going to take a step closer
• 12:18
  to exploring, well, how do we understand those
• 12:21
  Bible passages?
• 12:22
  How does the Bible reveal a God of
• 12:24
  love?
• 12:25
  But if you can say like, huh, tell
• 12:26
  me more about that.
• 12:27
  What bothers you about those passages?
• 12:28
  And they can share that and you have
• 12:29
  a non-judgmental attitude.
• 12:31
  Then, oh, you've got a chance to maybe
• 12:34
  offer a different perspective when the time is
• 12:36
  right.
• 12:37
  Okay, so ask questions to understand.
• 12:40
  Paraphrase what they've said back to them.
• 12:42
  Attend to the person.
• 12:44
  Non-judgmental.
• 12:45
  And finally, S, silence is okay.
• 12:50
  In our culture, we can be uncomfortable with
• 12:53
  silence.
• 12:54
  Often we feel like every little space has
• 12:56
  to be filled.
• 12:57
  But it's okay if somebody says something and
• 12:59
  you're not sure how to respond.
• 13:00
  To just wait.
• 13:02
  To pause.
• 13:04
  And then to speak intentionally back to them.
• 13:07
  It's actually a good habit to practice silence.
• 13:10
  We mentioned this on an earlier episode.
• 13:11
  To take time to intentionally not talk so
• 13:15
  that you can remember that you don't always
• 13:16
  have to say every word that comes to
• 13:18
  mind.
• 13:19
  It's good to learn how to use your
• 13:20
  words to serve other people rather than as
• 13:24
  just a kind of verbal stream of consciousness.
• 13:27
  Obviously there's different personality types, different strengths and
• 13:30
  weaknesses.
• 13:31
  Some people maybe need to be encouraged to
• 13:32
  talk more.
• 13:33
  A lot of us need to remember that
• 13:35
  silence is okay.
• 13:36
  Just listen to the person.
• 13:38
  If you need a minute to think about
• 13:39
  what they said, take a minute to think
• 13:40
  about what they said.
• 13:41
  And then respond.
• 13:43
  As long as you're doing that in a
• 13:44
  way that's in tune with the person, attending
• 13:46
  to the person, being present in the moment,
• 13:49
  it'll be fine.
• 13:50
  They'll realize that silence is okay too.
• 13:53
  So that's just a little tactical summary of
• 13:56
  how to be a good listener.
• 13:57
  Quapans.
• 13:58
  Hopefully it is memorable for you.
• 14:01
  If the acronym thing is just bothering you
• 14:03
  and you need an acronym that spells an
• 14:04
  actual word, just google Brene Brown, Anatomy of
• 14:07
  Trust.
• 14:08
  She's got one that spells an actual word,
• 14:10
  Braving, which is just an excellent video.
• 14:13
  Also about the subject of how to build
• 14:14
  trust, but I figured I'd give you my
• 14:15
  Chris Easley acronym to boot, in case you
• 14:17
  haven't heard this one.
• 14:19
  But you know, if you really need a
• 14:20
  solid acronym, you can go find that Brene
• 14:22
  Brown video.
• 14:23
  But hopefully this helps you attend to the
• 14:26
  people around you in a way that's very
• 14:28
  genuine, in a way that deepens trust, in
• 14:30
  a way that deepens relationship.
• 14:32
  And this is obviously just us practicing what
• 14:34
  Jesus has done for us.
• 14:36
  Jesus is the best listener, and when we
• 14:38
  listen well, we're becoming better disciples of Him.
• 14:44
  Lord Jesus, thank you that you are the
• 14:46
  listener.
• 14:46
  You are the one who comes and asks,
• 14:48
  what do you want me to do for
• 14:49
  you?
• 14:51
  And Lord, we say that we want to
• 14:53
  become good listeners.
• 14:54
  We want to become people of trust.
• 14:56
  Make us into those kind of people.
• 14:58
  Show us how to listen genuinely in every
• 15:02
  relationship we have, including those in the workplace.
• 15:05
  Do your work in us as we do
• 15:07
  our work with you.
• 15:08
  Amen.
• 15:12
  Thanks for listening.
• 15:14
  Finding God at Work is a production of
• 15:15
  Mission Central, a ministry based in Aurora, Illinois,
• 15:18
  dedicated to forming Christians for mission in everyday
• 15:21
  life.
• 15:22
  You can subscribe to the podcast wherever you
• 15:24
  listen to this episode to get 10 minutes
• 15:26
  of teaching on faith and work every Tuesday
• 15:28
  and Thursday.
• 15:29
  To get resources to go deeper with each
• 15:31
  podcast series, read our blog, and get info
• 15:33
  about upcoming courses on faith in the workplace,
• 15:36
  go to our website missioncentral.church.