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The Holy Matrimony Meltdown 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, New York.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa, you guys look cool.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm cool too.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I am cool.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have one tattoo, so.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Good night.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have one tattoo.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I got it when I was like 16.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's some Hebrew writing on my ribs.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: But the only thing is I have gained and lost and gained and lost a little bit of weight since I got it.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So my tattoo has sort of like now it's in English.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I got this tattoo when my grandpa died, but it's on like a sexy spot on my body.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, men see it and they're like, I don't write for men well.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know how men talk?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, men see my tattoo and they're like, ooh, I like that.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to be like, for my dead Jewish grandpa.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then they get so much blood in their boner, it explodes.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a virgin, it keeps happening.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: But um, I am Jewish, I was raised Jewish.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, thank you, fans.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was raised Jewish, but my parents aren't together, so I'd like to spend the year with my mom and we'd do Jewish stuff, like complain.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Complain, control the weather.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't the control the weather thing so funny?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's like, okay, if you believe that, just maybe then everyone just be nicer to Jewish people.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: No more global warming.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe everyone laugh harder at my job.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then we can get plastic straws back everywhere.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'll bring it up in the meeting, I swear, if it goes well.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, Jewish stuff during the year, and then in the summer, I'd be with my dad and his family, and they're Catholic.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: So in the summer, I'd do Catholic stuff, like complain about Jewish people.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And every summer my Catholic family would send me to Catholic summer horse camp.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a sleepaway camp where you go and you ride horses and you love the Lord.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, instead of whatever you're doing in the summer, getting fingered or something.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Disgusting, ladies.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not me.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not I.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Just riding horses and loving the Lord just a bit better.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I went to this camp for so long, I became too old to be a camper there.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I became a camp counselor at Catholic Summer Horse Camp.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just ridiculous.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jewish.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jewish.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're all Catholic.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: The horses are Muslim.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: What are we doing?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And also, just quick aside, I grew up with like all Muslim, like Arab Muslims, so I feel like it's cool to make like just a weird little joke.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't believe me, you can look at my high school yearbook.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: All of our school photos were taken in front of a Maserati like this.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Wearing white jeans.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a deep cut, but I was just at a Catholic wedding.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Someone in my family was getting married.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys know at Catholic weddings in the church, there's always the point where everybody needs a break from all the songs in Latin.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so you go and you wait in line in the middle to go to the front to get a cracker, right?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's fun.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm waiting in line.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I want one.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hungry.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I need a little nosh, right?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And my aunt comes up to me while I'm waiting in line.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have this aunt that I hate.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um she's my aunt, she's Catholic.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: She's a doctor.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: You get it, it's bad vibes, right?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's called me and my teen cousin both fat.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: We were just talking shit about her.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: My cousin was like, she's not even a real doctor.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, she's a foot surgeon.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: My cousin's like, yeah, just those pedicures, basically.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you're right.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, right.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm waiting in line, right?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Minding my own beeswax.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: My aunt comes up to me and she's like, hey, just a reminder, you were not baptized.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: So when you get to the front, you go like this and you don't get one.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, Jews continue to be persecuted, okay?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: My aunts, like Kanye West.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: I loved her early work, but now she's mean.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm waiting in line, right?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe the anti-Semitism in the Catholic Church.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, how are they not covering this on the news?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is crazy.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: But by the time I got to the front of the line, I was so annoyed that I just dropped my hands and I took it anyway.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I turned back to my aunt.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, hey, see in heaven, bitch.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you know when your boyfriend, or whoever.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Progressive.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you say something and then you're like, or whoever, it's like, wow, when did Bernie Sanders get here?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I have to mention that I'm progressive too, just because I know I look like one of Trump's oopsie daughters.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Me and Tiffany.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, okay, so you know when your boyfriend, um, or whoever uh comes on you?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have that here?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Onto your person.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know when your boyfriend comes on you and then he goes to go get the thing, right?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you look at how small his butt is.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Ha ha ha.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't it always smaller than you're expecting it to be?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it so small?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like the crack is so short.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: My boyfriend's whole ass is just a line.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Not meat, my butt crack goes up so tall, all the way up.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: All the way up, mine goes, I get my ponytail stuck in it.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever guys are like, I'm an ass man, I'm like, oh, crack, but it's the sides they like.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's the meat they're looking for.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Any crackheads in the house tonight?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: But okay, right, you know, and they they come on you and then ha ha ha, right?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: So small, so cute.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And also it's so clenched.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this is the time you should be so relaxed.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: But they're always like, ooh, I gotta go get the thing.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, I gotta go get it.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, guys, next time you get the opportunity to go get the thing, do a big walk, you know, like Connor McGregor.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Put on a little show.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so, okay, you know when they come on you and then ding ding ding, right?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's there and you're, you know, and you're waiting, and you're so still.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: More still than you've ever been in your whole life.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like a Zen monk.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like a mummy preserved in resin.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can always tell how much a guy likes you based off what it is he brings back.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Feels like m remembering is happening.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Feels like memories.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can always tell.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly, right?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can always tell.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because like my boyfriend now, he'll go, he'll get the water running, he waits until the water gets warm.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: He comes back, he does a wipe, he does a little dry swipe with the other side.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think that I was gonna find my prince charming.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: A warm cloth?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you serious?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't fly first class.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, nobody brings me a warm cloth in my life.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's warm, like luxurious, hot like a spa or something.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's so nice.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're like having sex.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, where do you want it?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh my god, my shoulders.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: My boyfriend does all that for me.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I know that he loves me.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: There are some guys, though, out there who will come on you, and then just kick sand.