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Litos - Standup comedy · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central podcast and give the applause, the machine guns, the muskets.
• 0:28
  How' s it going? You' re going through it? Cool?
• 0:33
  Yeah, well, watch out for that, but you can' t just
• 0:39
  go through. Cool Just like that, at any moment he' s not
• 0:43
  seen. You know, if you spend it like that, cool all the
• 0:48
  time people suspect they start counting the times you go to the bathroom isn'
• 0:55
  t right. Seen. In fact, there is that theory that people who
• 0:58
  always seem happy are because they are really very sad and it can' t
• 1:03
  be true. But I think the theory lacks a key point, which is
• 1:07
  to start drinking mid- morning. You know your uncle, your uncle?
• 1:19
  Your uncle, the nice one, your uncle, the one with the jokes,
• 1:23
  the one who calls himself your uncle, the cool one Well, your
• 1:29
  uncle, the cool one when there' s early family food. You know
• 1:34
  every time your cool uncle tells you that you have to take advantage of the
• 1:38
  morning and I' m working on you already. He' s actually asking
• 1:42
  you for help. You know everything he says and your cool uncle does is
• 1:47
  a cry for help. Every time your cool uncle is telling you a joke.
• 1:55
  What he is truly telling you is that I wish, then, to
• 2:00
  inhabit your body and lover and leave mine in the open so that the wind
• 2:19
  may blow it. No one' s gonna dare with this little homemade sorcerer
• 2:23
  that I brought or what eh. Do you have to have a nice time?
• 2:28
  Have a nice time? You have to do more things, you have
• 2:30
  to do productive things as well as having fun they say that now is a
• 2:34
  good time to be an entrepreneur. I don' t have a joke here,
• 2:40
  but I trusted myself. I trusted myself and decided to get into pet
• 2:43
  trainer. It occurred to me one day that I discovered that my dog had
• 2:47
  shit in the shower. Then I realized it wasn' t me. But
• 2:53
  I said this, I' m not going to recognize it. And be
• 2:59
  this no, I' m not going to recognize this. The dog'
• 3:01
  s fault I say I scream at him. He knows it wasn' t.
• 3:04
  I' m not going to take any notice of myself I have to
• 3:07
  take advantage of this situation. So I got him to apply for the postponement
• 3:10
  of live online. When he saw the move, he said wow, I
• 3:20
  ' m sorry. I lied to you. This did not happen, but
• 3:24
  I see you there and I wanted to impress you and in the end,
• 3:28
  because I invented not one, when I want to impress, invent. Fiction
• 3:30
  is always better than reality. Any real story you put in there a little
• 3:35
  fiction and it always gets better, you know, you get in there it
• 3:38
  ' s a talking dog. Not in the country house has he seen ghosts.
• 3:42
  Don' t put a guarantee in there that neither I nor any member
• 3:46
  of my party has embezzled public funds. You know, history better a lot.
• 3:59
  It' s something that gives me a lot of anger, because,
• 4:00
  I mean, I was going to commit real crazy things to have real stories,
• 4:04
  powerful to tell people that it has a good time. Me, this
• 4:08
  is true and I, three years ago I ended up in the dungeon for
• 4:12
  coming out to my balcony with a ball gun. History has all the elements.
• 4:18
  I' ll sum it up. I was there, I had a
• 4:20
  party. I wanted to entertain my guests. So pretty much the balcony with
• 4:23
  a ball gun made the idiot out of it. The national police were shot
• 4:27
  at the door. I said it' s because of the noise. There
• 4:29
  ' d be eight cops. They took me, mobilized me, threw me
• 4:31
  to the ground, started screaming the gun. Where' s the alarm?
• 4:34
  I mean, it wasn' t the music, it wasn' t the
• 4:38
  gun. They went into the floor at gunpoint, woke up a sleeping roommate,
• 4:41
  immobilized him in his bed while opening drawers and looking for a gun,
• 4:45
  and I screamed from the floor. I didn' t go. I was
• 4:46
  a ball man, I was a joke. They took me or took me
• 4:50
  to a police station, sat me in a chair, took pictures of me.
• 4:53
  I fall asleep and I say well, so far the party isn'
• 4:56
  t being that weird either. They put me in the dungeon, I woke
• 5:00
  up after a while. There, next to a cellmate that the guy really
• 5:01
  had to know where the coffee machine was. Your first time, I cried
• 5:09
  after a while. They pulled me out. I had a first statement with
• 5:14
  an ex officio lawyer. They said maybe he was going to prison. They
• 5:16
  said he had a call that he was calling. I said to my mother
• 5:21
  they told me to think about it, best take it for a walk.
• 5:25
  They put me back in the dungeon. I cried again. They woke me
• 5:28
  up. At three in the morning, I was handcuffed to the rest of
• 5:30
  the prisoners, all of them in ranks. They took us to the van
• 5:32
  of the van, took us to the dungeon of Moratalás, gave me a
• 5:36
  blanket, a mattress, a small packet of chickens and a little tetrabric of
• 5:41
  juice that was good to go well cutres themselves. The truth. Don'
• 5:46
  t applaud, because it' s all shame, a real story. I
• 5:51
  fell asleep and woke up at ten o' clock in the morning and was
• 5:55
  handcuffed again to all the prisoners. We left like this in line to one
• 5:58
  we got into the van, they took us to the calabo of Plaza Castilla,
• 6:00
  which I say well, here you put a tourist guide with a banner
• 6:03
  and you are on tour for Morocco, which by the way I love Morocco.
• 6:08
  I don' t know if you' ve been, but the exaggeration
• 6:11
  is incredible. I mean, against what they think. There' s a
• 6:13
  lot of party in exaggeration. The Berbers are there all day, a little
• 6:17
  joke to cheer up the story. They took me to the dungeon a ra
• 6:30
  you flabbes put me in the dungeon they took me out for the quick trial.
• 6:34
  I said this is my time. There was a woman who was repeating
• 6:38
  loudly everything I said. The fair one asked me what you remember and I
• 6:43
  said I remember doing zero- type poses zero seven and the woman repeated loudly
• 6:47
  zero- type poses seven. In the other light I wrote it. It
• 6:49
  tells me what you do for a living. I said. I' m
• 6:58
  funny and he tells me but you make a living like me and I,
• 7:03
  thinking I wish you could avoid your body. I told him. I told
• 7:15
  him that well, I had a lot of fun doing it. Woman repeated,
• 7:18
  had a good time doing it and let me go. There' s
• 7:23
  the story and the truth is that you took advantage to tell this here because
• 7:28
  I' m awaiting trial. So, Madam Judge, if you see me
• 7:31
  that you have shown that everything I told you is true and these people are
• 7:34
  with me you know, please, rome encartals to see eh I. You
• 7:47
  have to spend it, cool with care, you have to spend it,
• 7:53
  cool with care, you have to take advantage of having your mind entertained.
• 7:55
  In other things, you know more innocuous things. I, for example,
• 7:59
  recently decided to buy a book, a biology book, and it' s
• 8:03
  changing my life, I mean, it' s amazing the plants dude is
• 8:13
  alive that shit, that is the fucking plants, I mean, so I
• 8:16
  ' ve read. The only difference between a palm tree and me is that
• 8:20
  I can' t reach seven meters and I' m much more likely to
• 8:24
  create uncomfortable situations. You knew we were made up of a trillion cells,
• 8:33
  that is, a trillion cells, a trillion cells motivated and prepared to make
• 8:41
  you look ridiculous, a trillion cells, waiting, waiting for the time to
• 8:50
  come for someone to say hello to you to say thank you and the loas
• 8:56
  said trion wasn' t enough, but that was more of an office.
• 9:05
  I don' t know. Since I read this book I have realized that
• 9:07
  this is said not of what world we are going to leave our children.
• 9:11
  No. I believe that climate change is not going to be one of the
• 9:13
  problems they are going to have, that is, they are going to have
• 9:16
  much more serious problems than being forty degrees in the shadow of sorio in February.
• 9:22
  You know our kids are gonna have to face things like knowing that hundreds
• 9:24
  or thousands of strangers have seen them grow up on social media. They'
• 9:31
  re gonna get a moment that our kids, not your son or your daughter
• 9:33
  is gonna go down the street, get it from a gentleman and he'
• 9:35
  s gonna say it man. I' ve known you, I' ve
• 9:41
  known you since you were like that and you' re going to be and
• 9:52
  your son or your daughter is going to say that you' re friends with
• 9:56
  my parents and the lord will say no good. I followed your mother.
• 10:01
  You know you have to pass it to him, cool, but you have
• 10:05
  to pass it to him, cool, you have to pass it to him,
• 10:07
  cool. You take advantage of the moment, because you never know when
• 10:09
  life is going to take an unexpected turn. I, for example, spent
• 10:13
  two months living in my car this summer. That wasn' t the unexpected
• 10:18
  turn. I mean, me right now. Every time I go to the
• 10:20
  workshop it' s like going there that I spent two months living in my
• 10:26
  car, but because I started working as a waiter in a beach bar.
• 10:30
  When I tell you this, people say well, at least you' d
• 10:33
  meet a lot of people and I' d see shit behind a bush.
• 10:37
  The last thing I wanted was to socialize. But the truth is it was
• 10:41
  a good experience and I had a great time. I mean start working as
• 10:43
  a waiter after years of what might be considered professional drunk, I felt like
• 10:48
  a footballer who jumps coach. You know in my case I was like Roberto
• 10:54
  Carlos, coach, player. It was a good experience, an experience in
• 11:00
  fact, going out there with Bride. Yeah, I got a girlfriend now.
• 11:05
  We' re all just as surprised. It' s the first time
• 11:18
  I' ve ever had a girlfriend. I' m so excited, I
• 11:22
  mean, it' s all amazing, so I feel like an intern.
• 11:26
  The other day he told me he was thinking of leaving him and I asked
• 11:28
  him for a letter of recommendation. It was all super pretty, really,
• 11:35
  it was all very nice. Do at first or at least until the time
• 11:37
  of the first surprise fart came. The fart was mine. We were there
• 11:43
  in bed a few days before we met and I was in this state as
• 11:46
  if I slept half awake candle, half asleep that you don' t know
• 11:52
  very well where you are. You know if all of a sudden my sfinter
• 11:54
  relaxed and pash woke up a clear fart looks to one side of life.
• 12:00
  I' m here and I caught myself still without sound, as if I
• 12:09
  were in front of a REX tyrant to see if she had also woken up
• 12:15
  with her fart, kept sleeping and listened to her breathing uy, I fuck
• 12:33
  what tension or she' s sleeping or she' s enjoying it and she
• 12:41
  couldn' t anymore the tsar Anne and I say hey I think we'
• 12:46
  ve been robbed says, but what do you say if we' re in
• 12:58
  your car. Yeah, I laughed, too, and he looked at me
• 13:05
  and he told me you' re having a good time. Cool. Thank
• 13:09
  you very much, Sois, we' re empathetic.